Original subtitles

So this fella walks into a pub wearing nothing but a hospital gown.

He walks up to the barman and he says, 'Give me four pints,

five tequila shots, and a bottle of wine.'

The barman serves him. The fella lines all the drinks up

and he downs them in quick succession.

Afterwards he says to the barman, 'I shouldn't have done that,

not with what I've got.'

And the barman goes, 'Oh no, what have you got?'

And the fella goes, 'About 3 pounds 50.'

That's all he had!

I'm here all week, folks, I'm Frank Mann.

Eh?!

Paco?

There's a monkey and a hippo and an elephant on a desert island, right?

Hey, hey!

Vince, you old tart!

Aw!

Careful!

So, how was your flight?

You see I paid for extra legroom?

Yeah, only cause my agent made you, eh?

You haven't met my wife, have you? - Not this one.

Babe, can't we just, um, go back to the hotel?

No, no, no, I want to see Frank.

Eh? Talking of pubs, oh, I went into one the other day, horrible it was.

It was called The Fiddle, ladies and gentlemen.

Awful pub.

In fact, it was a vile inn.

Violin, see?

So, how are the tickets selling?

Oh, like hotcakes, Vince.

I mean, we might have to do a little bit of extra press, you know,

just to get us over the line. It's all good.

Whoa, look at this, ladies and gentlemen.

We have a celebrity in the Laughter Lounge tonight.

Presenter of Quiz Bang, Vince Starky.

Yes, Vince is playing five nights at the Benidorm Palace, and I've seen him live, and I can tell you... I've had more fun passing kidney stones.

I've had more fun standing on plugs.

We have a fantastic act for you next, ladies and gentlemen.

Please put your hands together for Andy Morgan and his amazing organ.

Thank you, son. So what have we got?

Hen do's at the back.

Nan's been on the gins.

Perfecto, I'll get a good 10 minutes out of them later.

Frank Mann.

Can I have a quick word? - Of course you can.

Velocity.

Hello, mate.

Hello, Vince. - Good to see you.

Oh, this is my wife, Vienna.

She is smiling, she's just uh... topped up the Botox.

Maybe wave your hands so we know that you're laughing, eh love?

Say something funny, I might.

Chris?

Bloody hell. How you doing, kiddo?

I'm all right. What are you doing here?

Five sellout nights at the Benidorm Palace apparently.

I meant in here. - I wanted to see you.

And your dad.

Would you mind? - Oh yeah, of course, love.

No, not you. - Eh?

I'm a huge fan.

Oh, of course, sweetheart, all right, here we go.

Thank you. - All right. You're welcome.

Can we talk? - I'm back on in 5.

Please. It's important.

All right. Son... keep Vienna company.

Maybe you could try out the new routine you've been working on.

Shall we?

So are you a comedian as well then, or?

Yeah, I do more kind of observational stuff.

Was at the self-service checkouts the other day.

What's that about? - Please don't!

OK.

Do you know what they're talking about? - Probably bollocks.

Joder!

I got drunk with him once.

In 1997, Children in Need's afterparty.

Ended up in Stringfellows!

With Pudsy.

Mr Starky had only been in Spain a few hours, having arrived to play a run of stand-up shows at the Benidorm Palace.

Mr Starky was a much-loved celebrity in the UK,

and we want to assure the public we'll have our best people working on this.

Can you tell us more-- - Good luck with that!

Well, this is an unexpected surprise.

All surprises are unexpected, Dennis.

So are you here for my brains or my body, cause I'm open to a 2 for 1 kind of offer.

I think I was pretty clear that will never happen again.

Are we talking about the sex or the case that I solved for you?

You got lucky. You threw a dart like a drunk man

wearing a blindfold, and somehow you hit the bull's eye.

And are we talking about the sex or the case that I solved for you?

The case. The sex was adequate.

Adequate several times from memory.

However, lucky as you were, it is true that you displayed

an ability to see things that perhaps others might miss.

Well done.

I can appreciate how hard that must have been for you.

There's a lot of pressure on this case and I have no detectives.

And look, I just want you to come and look at the crime scene.

Weird.

I'm sure you said if I ever poked my nose into police business again,

you'd shut my miserable little pub down.

You know, you really need to sort out those toilets.

What's going on?

I'm afraid if you want Danger Mouse, you're gonna have to take Penfold as well.

We've got a new case?!

Jésus, la puerta.

What, I'm a human doorstop now? - Yes!

So this guy is a comedian? - He was a comedian.

Do you have to be so pedantic? - No, I mean...

He was a comedian and then he just presented game shows.

What shows?

Quiz Bang, Luck Be a Lady... It was the '90s.

Guys, I can't hear you! - Puerta!

There's blood in his hair.

Madre mía, que fuerte!

Big cuts on his head.

He must have been hit with something very big and heavy.

Dennis?

Come and look! Dennis?

I agree, he was hit with something big and heavy.

What are you looking at? - Something big and heavy.

What is it? What's going on?

I just found the murder weapon.

The paint's faded because it was kept outside.

Why keep a fire extinguisher on the roof?

Good question. To use as a doorstop.

Like we did with Jésus? - Exactly.

Only I imagine this is better in an emergency.

Guys, can someone open the door?

It doesn't mean it's the murder weapon.

If it's not the murder weapon, why chuck it off the roof?

But if it is the murder weapon, how did they stop the door from closing?

That I don't know.

The killer would have locked themselves in the crime scene.

This is basically every episode of Jonathan Creek.

It's actually quite hot up here!

I suppose we should help him?

Yeah, we should...

Who owns this place?

Vince rocked up about 8.

We had a drink, had a bit of a chat about business.

You were promoting his gigs at the Benidorm Palace.

I put the whole thing together myself, sweetheart.

So you were making good money? - Well, I would have.

I mean, it was an absolute sellout.

Did you ever go up on the roof? - God, no!

I don't do heights.

And when Vince came to the club, was he alone?

Vince?! Alone? No, never!

He had his latest wife in tow, what do you call her, um, uh, Venezuela.

Actually, it's Vienna.

We'd only been married a few weeks.

This was meant to be the start of his comeback.

So you checked in here at the hotel and went straight to the Laughter Lounge?

Vince wanted to talk to Frank.

About what?

He wanted to tell me he had cancer. Somewhere private.

On the roof?

No, in his prostate.

No, I mean, where did he tell you?

Hmm, out the front of the club.

What happened after that?

Well, he went back to his hotel. I went back inside.

What time did you leave?

The show finished at 11, we had a drink, and then me and Chris went home.

Chris?

Frank's my dad.

What do you know about last night?

Nothing.

The bloke, the one who died, came in and then he left.

That's all I know. I didn't really talk to him.

Thirsty?

I'm bricking it!

Ziggy's just told me I've got my first stand-up gig tomorrow.

Following after your old man?

You any good?

He's about as funny as a turd in a sandpit,

but I promised Frank I'd put him on the bill.

So, now you have to cancel all of the Benidorm Palace shows, right?

Well, I've got no choice, have I?

Jim Davidson offered to step in, but I'm not that desperate.

What time did you leave the club?

God knows. I'm normally half-cut way before closing.

Every bloody time!

And what time did you leave the Laughter Lounge?

About half-past eight. After Vince went outside to talk to Frank.

And you came back here to the hotel with Vince?

Yes, I, um, I went to bed, but he went to the bar.

When's the last time you saw him? - Just after 9.

Eh... Sorry to interrupt.

These are from Bobby Davro?

Who?

Wait, just put them with the others.

Sure.

Why do you think Vince was so keen to tell you about his illness?

I think that's what happens when you get ill.

You don't want to put anything off. - Here you go, Frank.

Oh, I'll put it with the rest. Ah, thank you!

Other than Ziggy, does anybody else have a key to the club?

Yeah, Paco.

Yeah, the doorman.

He locks up every night.

He found Vince on the roof.

Shaken him up a bit.

I had never seen a dead body.

I touched his hand.

His skin was red from the sun.

But cold.

So cold.

I said no.

No.

Don't be dead.

But it was too late.

He was dead.

And what time did he lock up the club?

At 2 a.m.

When was the last time you saw Vince alive?

Around 8:30.

He was outside with Frank.

Now I know we're all haunted by the angel of death.

And what were they talking about?

They were arguing.

Vince was very agitated.

Very animated.

Unlike the lifeless husk I found on the roof.

And there definitely couldn't have been

anyone else on the roof when he found the body?

No.

The door to the roof. How did he keep that open?

The engineer had a toolbox. - Right.

Why are you asking so many questions?

Are you crazy?

A man is dead.

Oh my God...

I can still see his face.

Who's Carla? - No one.

I knew it! You have a secret lady friend.

What's this? - This is the window of death.

The last person to see Vince alive was Vienna just after 9 p.m.

And the club was closed at about 2 a.m.

So at some point during this time,

somehow Vince got on the roof and someone killed him.

So who's your money on? - It's too early to make guesses.

Oh, come on, you saw the same as me.

Oh, I see. You want to be all clever and do your little show off.

Go ahead. What did you see that I missed?

Well, Chris, the son, drinking like a fish to steady his nerves...

The bloke, the one who died, came in and then left.

That that's all I know. I, I didn't really talk to him.

Never used the victim's name. Classic sign of a guilty conscience.

Maybe, but he was nervous for his gig.

And Ziggy, the old lush, said she rarely went on the roof, but I don't believe her.

Every bloody time.

Lighting up in her office set the smoke alarm off, so I think she did go to the roof.

How do you know that? - Did you not see

the black marks on the wall where she stubbed her fags out?

Why would Ziggy kill Vince? He was about to make her a fortune.

I'm only pointing out the discrepancies in her story.

Obviously Vienna was lying.

Obviously?

And you came back here to the hotel with Vince?

Yes, I, um, I went to bed, but he went to the bar.

She said she went to bed, but did you not see the mark on her wrist?

Uh, sorry to interrupt. These are from... Bobby Davro.

Who? Just... put them with the others.

She had a stamp from Cheeky's Foam Disco from the night before.

Why would she lie?

Don't tell me you didn't see that.

Stop asking questions you already know the answer to.

So what next? - Well, I think another pint.

I think it's important to tell you that I am currently finding you very irritating.

Tomorrow we'll go and talk to Frank, see what the argument with Vince was about.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Carla, hello.

I'm sorry it's late, I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday.

So... happy birthday.

It's your dad, by the way.

Anyway... If you ever wanted to give me a call, it would be good to hear from you.

I'd like that.

So... Yeah, OK.

Benidorm Volunteer Police Service.

I just got a call from an insurance company

asking for more information about Vince Starky's death.

Wife already cashing in the life insurance, is she?

No, not his wife. Ziggy, the comedy promoter.

She took--

She took out event insurance on Vince's gigs at the Benidorm Palace.

His death means she's set for a big payout.

And?

It's a motive.

Well, the gigs were making her a fortune already.

Killing him doesn't make sense.

Thanks though.

So who remembers Salt 'n Shake?

Remember them? Them crisps you had to add your own salt to?

What's that about, eh? Why-- Why do I have to do their job for them?

What next? A packet of crisps that just comes with a raw potato inside the bag?

Can we have a word?

Uh, er, it's really nice, pal.

Why don't you take a break, eh?

Good lad.

We know you and Vince argued last night.

What was that about?

Me and Vince have kept a secret for the last 30 years.

That he was really Chris's dad?

How did you know that?

Well, it's just a hunch based on the fact they look exactly the same.

You saw that too, right, didn't you? - Yeah.

What happened?

Me and Vince were a double act back in the day.

We called ourselves Half Rice, Half Chips.

They called us a poor man's Little and Large.

And which one were you?

Oh, funny. What are you two, The Crankies?

Father and son, but actually they were married.

Never mind. Go on.

Anyway, we did one summer, at Butlins Minehead.

Great days! Me and Vince were banging this--

We were, were sleeping with the same Red Coat, Linda.

Yeah, I mean, these things happen. We were young.

But me and Linda ended up falling in love.

Only to find out that she was pregnant with Vince's kid.

How do you know that it wasn't yours?

Well, I'll spare you the details.

But, uh, I had a very serious bout of mumps as a kid.

My testes swelled up to more than four times their usual size.

I mean, from this angle...

it looked like a one-eared space hopper.

Thank you for sparing me the details.

I mean, I have always fired blanks, but Linda, she still wanted to keep the baby.

And I realised that, well, it was probably my last chance of being a dad, so...

We all agreed together, as a three,

that me and Linda should raise the kid as our own,

and nobody else needed to know the truth. I mean...

Not even our Chris.

And you never told him?

And then Vince went off to do telly.

I carried on working the clubs. Me and Linda split up,

and then Chris went to live with her.

So why now? Why did Vince want Chris to know the truth after all this time?

I think being ill scared him.

He said he wanted Chris to know, but...

I'd only just got him back in my life, you know?

And telling Chris the truth would have ruined all that?

Yeah, and I told Vince as much.

It got a bit heated, but I was compering the show, you know?

I've got a room full of people that can tell you that.

I never saw Vince again after that moment, and that is the God's honest truth.

So Vince was going to set off a big truth bomb.

Maybe he was killed to keep quiet.

What are you doing?

Just taking a wee keek before we leave.

Keek? What is this? You can't just make up words!

You know, maybe for the next few minutes we just don't talk.

You know, Frank says a room full of people can vouch for him,

but he was only the compere of the show, so he was only introducing the acts.

Plenty of time when he was not on stage

where he could have killed Vince. His alibi means nothing.

Help me find the key for this.

What's that buzzing?

I dread to think.

No!

Urgh...

Surely you wash it after you use it.

Ah ha! There it is.

So what do you think about Frank? He could have killed Vince, right?

Maybe. And then there's Vienna.

Please, can we leave?

Why Vienna?

Because she's the brand new wife and Vince was worth a few bob.

Really, Dennis?

What a tired old stereotype, the gold-digging wife.

Maybe she married him for, I don't know, love.

Maybe she's already a millionaire.

Well, if she wasn't before, she certainly is now.

And we need to know what she was doing last night.

We should speak to Jackie.

Who's Jackie?

This is Jackie!

You're in my light! - Jackie, this is Dennis.

Apparently you know the word on the street. - What?

We need some information. - What is he saying?

We were wondering if you knew anything about Vince Starky.

Uh, waste of money. I sold three tickets.

You were selling tickets to his show?

I sell tickets to all the shows.

Who is 'Messy Nessy'?

Like Sticky Vicky, but not so classy.

So Vince's show wasn't selling?

Is he all right?

He looks like an old bullock. - He's fine.

He's from Scotland. - Where?

Never heard of it.

Jackie, did you say that Vince's show wasn't selling any tickets?

- Ziggy said it was a sellout. - Sellout?

Oh no.

Oh, so you do understand what I'm saying.

What?

Seriously, what is her problem?!

Uh, Maria, hi. This is Dennis.

I'm gonna need something from you.

The CCTV footage from Vince's hotel for last night.

Oh, and a photograph of you in the bath

coquettishly holding a loofah. That last one is crucial

if we're gonna have any chance of solving this.

OK, thanks.

So, I spoke to the box office manager.

Vince Starky had sold less than 25 per cent of his tickets for his five night run.

So the man who hosted Celebrity Quiz Bang is no longer a big box office success.

It means Ziggy was about to lose her deposit.

She would have owed the theatre thousands of euros.

And that's on top of the thousands of euros that she already owes.

So now what?

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm pretty hungry.

Oh yes, let's get sushi! - Or a Chinese?

Sushi's like Chinese but healthy.

Chinese is like sushi but nice.

Come on, Dennis, just open your mind a little bit... for me.

Postmortem results.

Victim died of blunt force trauma.

Gone right off that. - We got the CCTV from the hotel.

It shows Vince and Vienna returned to the hotel having a big argument.

About what? - There was no sound,

but we got a lip reader to translate. Here's a transcript.

Vienna... 'I can't believe you're doing this.'

Vince... 'Please, babe, this is important to me.'

Vienna... 'You said when we got married,

it was just gonna be me and you, he'll move in with us,

and I'm not sharing you with some expletive deleted, lanky, expletive deleted, streak of expletive deleted, expletive deleted, expletive deleted...

piss.'

Do you know what this is about?

Vince told you the truth about Chris, didn't he,

that he was his real dad and wanted to be part of his life?

Yeah, so?

So... it's motive!

The CCTV showed you get out of the lift,

but Vince goes back down and exits the hotel.

Do you know where he went?

He said he was going to get another drink.

And you? You said you went to bed.

Don't bother lying.

I left a perfectly acceptable plate of pork balls for this.

You went out, didn't you?

I wanted some fun.

That is not a crime.

I mean, you know what it's like?

Us young guys, we like to make party, yeah?

Not really.

Did you see Vince again after he left you at the lift?

No.

Because there's a theory kicking about

that you only married Vince for his money, and when you found out there was someone else

you'd have to share it with, you followed him to the club,

got him up onto the roof, and then killed him

before he could tell Chris the truth. Then,

you went out and drank your guilt away at Cheeky's Foam Disco.

Well, let me give you another theory.

That I went out to unwind - as people do at a foam party disco and casino.

And when I woke up the next morning,

I found that the love of my life had been brutally murdered.

And to make matters worse, I am accused of killing him

by some weird, Scottish homeless man.

What'd you think? - Maybe just have a shave.

And she says, why do you think I chose the pink ones?

Who here likes a curry?

I love a curry me. Oh yeah!

My favourite is Chicken Tarka.

It's like a Chicken Tikka, only a little 'otter'... Eh?!

Right then, first act out tonight is a young comedian

just setting out on his comedy career.

He's a brilliant talent and I'm proud to say, ladies and gentlemen, my son!

Ahhh!

So with that in mind, please give a big Laughter Lounge welcome to Chris Mann!

Chris Mann...

Kids, eh?

When they're little you just want to eat them, don't you,

but when they grow up, you wish you had.

Chris?

Where the bloody hell are you?

Thought you had a gig.

It was me.

I killed him.

Now, in your own time, just tell us what happened.

Dad was on stage.

I'm behind the bar.

I look up and I see Vince has come back into the club.

And he told me he wanted to talk to me.

Said it was important.

Had to be somewhere quiet, so I-- I told him to meet me up on the roof.

Had you been on the roof before?

Uh, yeah, yeah. We take our breaks up there.

Just as a matter of interest, how did you keep the door open?

We used a fire extinguisher. - Oh...

Please go on.

Vince said he wished it didn't have to be like this.

But once he realised he had to tell me the truth, he couldn't settle. Had to be now!

He said the gigs in Benidorm meant nothing to him.

The real reason he was here was for me.

Cause I'm his son.

Then what happened?

I just couldn't get my head around it.

All these people in my life that were meant to love me...

were liars.

My whole life, they'd been liars.

And Vince said something like...

'This is a good thing.'

And I just flipped.

I went mental, proper raging.

Don't touch me. - This is a good thing.

And I pushed, just once.

I swear, it were only once.

I panicked.

And then I ran.

And then when I heard the next day he was dead...

I just couldn't say anything.

Hey... don't cry.

I meant arrest him!

So you just pushed him? You didn't whack him over the head with a fire extinguisher?

No! - Hey, you can't be right every time.

I know there's something else going on here.

Dennis, he confessed.

Put on the TV and watch your sport.

I'm sorry, Dad.

It's all right...

It's gonna be all right.

Carla, hi, hello.

No, I'm sorry, uh, I'm Sam, Carla's boyfriend.

Oh, I didn't know Carla had a boyfriend.

How long have you guys been together?

About 2 years.

Right, well...

Nice to meet you, Sam.

Hey, you and Carla should come to Benidorm.

Yeah.

So, Carla wanted me to call and ask you not to ring her again.

I'm sorry.

Well, there you are.

Is this coming from her mum?

I need to go. I'm sorry.

Figures from across the British entertainment industry have been paying tribute to Vince Starky,

whose death police say, they are treating as suspicious.

I touched his hand.

His skin was red from the sun.

What is it? - This is wrong.

Vince was still alive hours after this.

How do you know?

Because the dead don't burn.

What?

OK, here's a joke.

What do a murderer and a crap comedian have in common?

They both perform a terrible act.

Might nick that.

Vince had an overwhelming urge to put things right

because of his cancer diagnosis, so he told Chris...

that he was his real dad.

Hang on, he said what?

Chris got angry, pushed Vince,

who fell back and hit his head.

You killed your dad? - No, he didn't.

But you literally just said that Vince was his dad.

He was, but Chris didn't kill him.

Is anyone else confused?

When Vince's body was found, his arms were red with sunburn.

But in a photo taken the night before he died,

his arms were fine, meaning he must have been alive

on the roof when the sun came up.

How do you know that? - Because dead people don't sunburn.

I know, right? Every day is a school day.

After Chris pushed Vince, he might have looked dead,

but... he was only unconscious.

Paco locked up the club at 2 a.m.

He thought everyone had gone, but someone was still in the building.

You were in so much debt, you had to give up your apartment and sleep in your office.

The Benidorm Palace gigs were supposed to solve all your problems, but...

Vince just wasn't the box office draw he once was.

That is hilarious!

That is the funniest thing I've heard in years.

Yeah, not surprising. I've been to your club.

Hey, all right, mate.

When the sun came up the following day,

Vince was still alive, still lying on the roof where he fell.

And he stayed there.

Burning in the sun,

until Ziggy came out onto the roof for her first fag of the day.

Oh, come on, you don't know that!

Nah, but I can make a pretty good guess.

You couldn't smoke in the office cos it set off the alarm,

and there's black circles on the wall where you stubbed them out.

Deductive reasoning.

Actually, it's inductive reasoning because-- Dennis-- - Sorry.

Anyway, when you got out there, you found Vince.

Bloody hell! What happened to you?

Hang on, hang on, I'll... I'll get you some help.

And then you realised this was an opportunity.

Vince's gigs weren't selling, you were gonna lose the lot!

But if Vince died, the event insurance would pay out, and there he was, half-dead on your roof.

Nobody knew you were in the building.

If he died, all your problems would be over.

You just needed to make sure he did.

He probably didn't even know you were there.

After you killed him, you had to get rid of the murder weapon

and in a panic, you threw it off the roof.

But without the doorstop, you were locked up there, at the scene of your own crime.

So you called an engineer out for the air con

and you gave him Paco's number to open up.

Then you took your chance to escape.

What a bloody mess.

I knew I should have booked Joe Pasquale.

Mind, it's a long time since I've been in a pair of these!

So in Benidorm we have a lot of tourists.

Hands up if you're on holiday.

Have you noticed how the new tourists look just like zombies?

They're all staggering around in packs, all white and pale, dark eyes, on the hunt for cheap beer.

Invasion of the Boddington Snatchers.

Where are you from, madam? Blackpool? Is this your husband?

I think that's what they call unconditional love.

Do you have kids?

No.

Give them a round of applause!

Thanks for your help.

Technically I only asked you to look at the crime scene.

You know you're not getting paid.

Justice is the only reward I seek.

No, it's not. You asked for a picture of me in the bath.

That's optional.

Could be the shower.

What about you? You got kids?

No.

No kids.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, you've got a cracking night of comedy

in store for you at the Laughter Lounge tonight. Thank you all,

I've been Chris Mann. Have a good night!

Yay!

Look at him!

Well done, kiddo!

That's my son!

I've got a big surprise for you guys.

This has made the whole weekend magical!

'We need your help.' Estupendo! Another case.

Do you really think it was one of her friends?

Listen to me. If you know what's good for you, you'll keep your mouth shut.

This is so cool.

I hear you're some kind of special investigators.

We're trying to help the Spanish police find out who did this.

- We're looking for some information. - About the Irish woman.

- What are you doing here? - Does this feel right to you?

They're all liars, Dennis!

You look like you could use another drink.