Original subtitles

♪ Hooray for Hollywood

♪ That screwy ballyhooly Hollywood ♪

♪ Where any office boy or young mechanic can be... ♪

Where am I taking you?

Oh, right, yeah-- I got it here someplace.

It's my sister's place.

She was supposed to pick me up,

but she's kind of not all there, you know?

[ sighs]

The address?

Right, right, right.

So, you're visiting family?

No, I'm an actor.

I've been in New York, but I got offered work in L.A.

Think it's time for me to take my shot.

It's kind of scary. I mean, I left my whole life behind,

but I-I think it's the smart move.

If you wanna make it as an actor,

you gotta move to L.A., to Hollywood.

So, what are you doing here in Dallas?

I did have a layover in Dallas.

♪ Come on

♪ Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah

♪ Everything's gonna be alright ♪

♪ I'm alright y'all, alright y'all ♪

♪ You wanna be alright, you gotta walk tall ♪

♪ Everything's gonna be alright now ♪

♪ Everything's gonna be alright now ♪

♪ I'm alright y'all, alright y'all ♪

♪ You wanna be alright, you gotta walk tall ♪

♪ I'm alright y'all, alright y'all ♪

♪ You wanna be alright, you gotta walk tall ♪

♪ Come on

♪ Hooray for Hollywood

♪ That screwy ballyhooly Hollywood ♪

♪ Where any office boy or young mechanic can be... ♪

Oh, thank God.

Oh my God, Joey!

Hi, Gina! Oh!

My brother, the star!

Days of Our Lives.

Not anymore...

Formerly!

It's good to see you!

Oh, I know. I missed you so much!

Oh.

Wait a second, wait a second.

You look different.

Oh, I forgot-- you haven't seen 'em!

Huh?

What do ya think? They're new.

I went up three cup sizes. The doctor was reluctant.

Come on, touch 'em.

[ stammering]: Uh-h-h. L-Let's get my bag.

I'll feel you up in the car, I promise.

So, tell me about the big, new job.

Oh, well, it all started when I got this new agent.

This lady is a shark.

And that means she's a good agent,

not an actual shark.

I know that.

Yeah, I did, too.

Anyway, she got me offers from two new shows!

Wow. What are they?

Well, the first one's about a bunch of male nurses,

and I wasn't really crazy about that one.

I mean, I've already been a brain surgeon.

I don't think my fans will buy me as a nurse.

Well, they bought you as a brain surgeon.

They're pretty understanding, Joey.

Okay, well, it doesn't matter, alright,

'cause the other show-- it's about a cop,

and I'm the star!

Oh, also, it's for cable,

so there's a combination of nudity and swearing

that I find intriguing.

I am so proud of you. Aw...

[ buzzer sounds]

So, how many bags are we looking for?

Just one. The rest of my stuff's on a moving truck.

I gave 'em your number.

The company's called Movers and Shakers.

They cost a little more, but man,

that name cracked me up.

Oh, wait, that was my bag.

That's okay. Hold on.

Sir, could you grab that bag?

Thank you.

Well, they do get things done.

Huh?

Wow! I think I like L.A.

You and Chandler should've moved out a long time ago.

It's a very vibrant gay scene.

Chandler and I are not a gay couple!

Hi.

Okay, this is it.

Your new home.

Oh, my God!

Yeah? Yeah!

Oh, Gina, thank you for finding this.

Oh, I love it!

Good, 'cause if you didn't, I was gonna lie

and say Tom Cruise used to live here.

Tom Cruise lived here?!

Sure he did, honey. Oh.

Oh, let me show you the best part.

Check this out.

Now, sit up here and lean back.

Now look over there.

Is that the middle of the Hollywood sign?

That is the "Ollywoo" sign.

I can see the Ollywoo sign!

And into that woman's bathroom.

And now she sees me looking.

Hi, neighbor!

Oh... whoa, man.

What's the matter?

I just...

I can't believe I'm here, you know.

It doesn't... doesn't feel real.

[ laughing]

And neither do those.

[ phone ringing]

Gina Tribbiani, Hairdresser to the Stars.

Stars?

Sounds better than Hairdresser to mostly Dominicans...

Yeah, honey. Come on up.

It's my Michael. He's parking.

Oh, great.

Say, what is Michael now, 20?

Yeah. Don't I look incredible for the mother of an adult son?

That's the good thing about having a kid so young.

Yeah, you rarely hear the argument for teen pregnancy.

[ nasal, mocking laughter]

Michael is so excited to see you again.

Oh, and by the way, I told him I had him when I was 22.

I don't want him to think his mother's a tramp.

Uh...

Uncle Joey!

Hey, wow!

Man, oh.

Whoa. I still think of you as a little kid.

So much for these wings I picked up on the airplane.

Oh, no. I'll still take 'em.

I was... just gonna show 'em to you.

Tell your Uncle Joey what you've been up to lately.

Well, uh, now that college is done,

I'm just doing some grad work over at Cal Tech's Center

for Simulation of Dynamic Response Materials.

Can you believe he came out of me?

Actually, right now, we're designing a mock-up

for an escape module for the International Space Station.

[ chuckling]: What are you, a rocket scientist?

Yes.

Oh, oh...

So how do you like living at school?

I still live with Mom.

[ chuckling]: Oh, man.

That is nice.

Shut up. We have fun. Tell him we have fun.

We do. We have more in common than most moms and sons,

'cause she had me when she was just 22, so...

Right, yeah, 22, yeah.

That's why we had to change churches.

Michael, where's the lasagna?

Oh, I left it in the car.

GINA: Oh, I'll get it. Look at that.

So much going on up here, he can't remember lasagna.

Boy, we are different, you and me.

So, come on, what else is going on?

Well, actually, um, I'm thinking about moving out.

Oh, yeah? Where? Here with you.

W-What? I'm 20 years old, man.

I shouldn't be living with my mom.

Everyone at school makes fun of me.

And these aren't the cool kids.

They're not quarterbacks-- engineers!

But w-why do you wanna live with me?

Well, uh, this may not be a big selling point,

but I have no money for rent.

And-and also, you're my cool Uncle Joey, you know.

Living with you, that would just... you know...

Yeah, yeah, break your mother's heart?

I know, I know... [ groans]

But, I mean, it's gonna happen some time.

I just have to get out. Have you seen the breasts?!

See 'em? She made me touch 'em!

She...

Hi.

[ screams]

It's actually not that big of a drop.

Hi.

Uh, some first impression, huh?

Oh, actually, I got my first impression last night.

I saw you out here practicing your... judo?

Oh, that wasn't judo.

I had a bee on me.

[ laughs]

I'm Alex. Uh, I live next door.

Really? I'm Joey. Oh.

Hi. Hi.

So, you just moved out here?

Yeah, yeah, yeah; from New York.

I'm an actor.

Oh, that's cute.

You think being an actor's a big deal.

Everybody out here is an actor.

What? Yeah.

Guy in that apartment-- actor.

Actor. Actor.

Porn actor.

Really!

Yeah. He lives above me.

It's not the best. Ah.

So, I guess, if everyone here's an actor,

does it mean you're one, too?

Oh, no. Actually, I'm a corporate lawyer.

Wow.

What is that?

I represent greedy businesses.

I make the world just a little bit worse.

Oh. So...

Were you on Days of Our Lives?

Ah. It took you a minute, but you recognized me, huh?

I'm wearing my Days of Our Lives shirt, aren't I?

Yeah, I did the soap thing,

but I'm out here to move beyond that.

I'm actually a very serious actor, yeah.

[ booming]: Romeo, oh, Romeo,

wherefore art thou, Romeo?

That was Romeo.

[ chuckling]

Actually, that was Juliet.

What?

Yeah, well, Romeo doesn't start a speech

saying "Oh, Romeo, Romeo."

I've done that for, like, a million auditions!

Blue Wall, scene "C," take two.

DIRECTOR: And... action!

[ grunting and heavy punching sounds]

And... cut!

[ buzzer sounding]

Huh?

I can't believe I'm on a set!

I should be networking. Let me go talk to the director.

So, must be pretty cool

seeing your uncle star in his own show?

It'd be more cool seeing my roommate star in his own show.

Uh, yeah, Michael, about us living together-- come here.

I don't think it's a good idea.

Why not?

I don't wanna get between you and your mom, alright?

I can't have her mad at me. As kids, she tortured me.

She hit me all the time.

She'd hold me down and force me to say:

"I am gay for David Cassidy."

Who's that?

David Cassidy? From The Partridge Family?

Reallygood-looking... The point is...

I don't want her mad at me, okay? I'm sorry.

It's okay. I understand.

Alright, good.

You're not going to believe this.

The director thought I was an actress.

Sure, that's 'cause you got big, fake boobs

and you're crazy.

I love it out here. It's sunny and 72 degrees every day.

I wonder what it's like in New York.

It's 71. Poor bastards.

Hey. Oh, hey, Alex.

This is my sister, Gina. Alex lives right next door.

Hey. You have very beautiful hair.

Oh, thanks.

If you ever want to sell it, give me a call.

Hey, I like that girl.

Don't be trying to buy her hair!

She could be the future Mrs. Joey Tribbiani.

Or at the very least, the future...

awkward situation.

[ phone ringing]

Ooh, it's my agent, the shark.

Hello.

Hi, Bobbie.

Right. And?

What?!

Why?!

Yeah.

Oh. Okay. Bye.

My show is dead. It's not even going to air.

Oh, my God.

Did they say why?

People thought it was disgusting.

Geez, you defecate on one corpse...!

Oh, honey, I am so sorry.

I can't believe this.

How could I go from having two shows to...

having nothing?

Do you think you should have done the other show?

The Nursesthing? Oh, no way.

I mean, my thing didn't go, but, believe me,

no one is going to watch a show about nurses.

I'm with Sam Baxter, one of the hunky stars

of the smash hit Nurses.

Now, Sam, is it true

that you weren't the first choice for the role?

That's right. The producers had originally offered the role

to someone else-- an actor named Joey... Tribaney.

Well, wherever he is,

I'm sure that Joey Tribaney is kicking himself.

Tribbiani!!!

Joey Tribbiani is kicking himself!

Hey, what are you doing here?

Mom told me you'd be clearing out your dressing room today,

so I figured I'd come by, cheer you up.

Aw... What are you cooking?

Uh, spaghetti and meatballs. It's Grandma's recipe.

It always makes me feel better.

Mom made it for me this one time I got a "B."

I got a "B" once.

Cheated my ass off.

So, was today hard?

Yeah.

I can't believe it.

A week ago, I was the star of a show,

and now I'm the guy who turned down Nurses.

Which is strange, because in real life,

I would never turn down a nurse.

So, what do you do now?

I got a meeting with my agent later

to try and figure out some kind of game plan.

Hey, they're making a new Indiana Jones movie.

Maybe you can... turn that down.

Feeling a little more comfortable

around your Uncle Joe, are you?

Hey, this is really nice. Thanks for doing this.

You know, if you let me be your roommate,

you could have this, like, every day.

Michael, look, you're a great kid,

and I'd love to have you as my roommate.

But your mother will flip out.

I mean...

Uh...

You're in!

No, no, no, no, no!

[ knocking on door ]

Oh, hey, Joey, have a seat, doll.

Thanks for seeing me, Bobbie.

Look, I know we blew it by turning down that Nursesthing.

But I gotta believe there's something bigger

right around the corner.

Listen, you are living in a dream world.

Excuse me?

That Nursesshow is huge.

Everyone involved with it is gonna become insanely rich,

and it's gonna haunt you for the rest of your life.

But my job is to keep up your morale.

I do feel better.

Look, I'm a straight shooter.

But I'll tell you something else about me--

I am the best.

There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you.

I would... throw on a meat skirt and wrestle a lion.

I would pull off my own ears and eat them.

That's... gross.

I am gonna get you through this.

I tell you, next year,

I am gonna find you a show

that'll blow this Nurses thing right out of the...

Ah, what the hell am I saying?

Nothing's gonna top that.

Uh, wha... h-hold on-- "next year"?

No, no, no. I need to get something now.

Well, I got nothing.

Zilch. Zero. "Nay-da."

There's gotta be something.

Well... they do need a host for this new entertainment news show.

It's not really acting, but it may work

since you have such a tremendous head.

I do?

Oh, come on. We don't have time for this.

Thanks, Bobbie, thank you.

[ wheezing laugh]

Looks like you got a big barrel on your shoulders.

Gina, where have you been? My audition's in half an hour.

Sorry-- I'll give you a little trim. It'll take two minutes.

Hey, any sign of my stuff? Have the movers called?

No.

Stupid Movers and Shakers.

[ chuckling]

I can't be mad at those guys.

Hey, do me a favor.

See if you can make my head look a little smaller.

You know, I can't do this.

I'm too upset.

What's the matter?

Michael said he was moving out.

Uh, did he say who he was moving in with?

No, why?

Uh, no reason.

Uh, but you know,

if you think about it, Gina, this could be a good thing.

You, uh... you could have more time for your hairdressing.

Oh, please.

I'm not much of a hairdresser, anyway.

I only started cutting hair because Channel 5

exposed me as the Southland's

most dangerous dental technician.

Yeah... that was some damning footage.

I just don't know what I'm gonna do without him.

He's my baby.

Hey, come on... No, really.

I don't have much to be proud of... but him, I did right.

[ phone rings]

I got to take this.

What?

Yeah. Well, I got a lead on some blonde's hair.

I need some good straight stuff.

Okay, we've got a big problem. I told Mom I was moving out.

She went crazy-- I-I-I don't know what she'll do

when she hears I'm living with you.

Well, let's find out.

Why didn't you tell me she was here?

You couldn't tell I was getting a haircut?

You think I just walk around my apartment in a cape?!

He's gonna live here?! Are you kidding me?

Mom, look, this was my idea.

That's true. Sure.

I bet you landed, and right away, he begged,

"Please, get me away from my mother!"

Uh... Uh...

I cannot believe you would do this to me.

[ sighing]: Hey, Gina...

Gina, Gina, wait up! Mom...

Ma... Gina!

Oh, my God.

I know. I know.

I could eat a really big lobster in this.

Okay, Joey, the audition's very simple.

Uh... three cameras;

each one has a TelePrompTer beneath the lens

and a red light on top.

Whichever red light is lit, that's the camera you address.

The producer'll watch you from that monitor.

Geez. Is that a man or a woman?

And you're miked.

Okay. Let's do this.

We on a roll?

Joey Tribbiani audition

in five, four, three...

Welcome to Hollywood Minute.

I'm name.

Can I start again? Whenever you're ready.

Okay.

Welcome to Hollywood Minute.

I'm Joey Tribbiani, and here are today's top stories.

Well, even though she's on vacation...

Uh, Joey, you didn't switch cameras.

Oh, did the light change?

Yeah. Even though you're reading,

you need to be aware of when the light changes.

That's really the best way to do this?

Okay, let's try it again in five, four, three...

Welcome to Hollywood Minute.

I'm Joey Tribbiani, and here are today's top stories:

Well, even though she's on vacation,

Jennifer Lopez is in the news today.

More-more on that story later.

But first, let's check out

the box office returns for this weekend.

Topping the list for the third week in a...

Man, that is one fast red light.

Topping the list... Topping the list...

No, I know it's not that one.

Where the hell is it?!

Okay, Joey, thanks for coming in.

No, no, no, I'm getting the hang of it.

Please, Mister or Miss Producer.

Um, I need this job. I can do this.

You're looking at the wrong camera.

Damn it!

Romeo, oh, Romeo...

Hey. Hey.

What's wrong?

Oh, I just... blew an audition

to host this stupid entertainment show.

Oh. Well, is that even acting?

No. It's just following a really fast red light.

I'm sorry. If it helps, I had a really rough day at work, too.

The company I represent can't drill for oil in Yosemite.

Well, if we're both bummed, you wanna go be bummed together?

Maybe we could get something to eat.

Oh, I wish I could.

I have to go to the airport to pick up my husband.

Oh... You're married?

You didn't know? Didn't you see the ring?

Yeah, yeah, I saw a ring,

but it's not on your left hand, so...

Yeah, it is.

If you say so.

See you, Joey. Okay.

Hey.

Hey, did you know that girl next door is married?

Oh. I can't talk to that girl.

S-S-She makes my stutter come back.

Uh, can I talk to you?

Michael, you should know there'll be times

when I'm not gonna want to talk.

I'm just gonna want to eat the spaghetti you made for me.

Um, actually...

Well, I'm not gonna be your roommate.

What? Why?

I talked it over with my mom, and she was...

Michael, don't listen to her!

She's a selfish, crazy...

Okay, we need a signal for when she's here!

Come on, Michael, we're leaving.

Look, Gina, this is nuts!

He's a man, okay?

He's graduated college.

He shaves.

He sleeps with women.

[ stuttering]: Yeah, I-I do shave.

Come on! You have to let him go!

Oh, yeah?

[ shrieking]

You can hurt me all you want.

He's gonna move out sometime.

Not if I can help it.

Look, Gina, I know he's your baby,

but it's time to move on!

Change can be good.

Oh, it's easy for you to say.

No, it's not! No.

Look... nobody understands

wanting things to stay the same like I do.

I was happy in New York,

okay, and I tried really hard to keep things from changing,

but everyone else got-got married

and had kids and moved on.

They all changed.

So...

I'm giving change a shot.

And it has been hard...

but... okay, just hoping things stay the same--

it doesn't work.

What, are you smarter than you used to be?

Nah, I don't know where that came from.

You know he's a slob, right?

You know how you like everything nice and clean

in its own little place?

There's gonna be sauce on everything you own.

I don't know how it happens.

Ma... Ma, that's okay.

Well, if this is really what you want...

Thank you, Mom. Thank you.

I'm just gonna miss you, that's all.

It's been the two of us for such a long time.

Yeah, well, now it's the three of us.

You gave your speech. Enough.

You sure you're gonna be okay?

Gina, he's gonna be fine. He's old enough to move out.

You were raising a kid when you were 16.

How did I not figure that out?

I mean, I...

I took calculus when I was eight.

You're dead.

Gina, back off-- I don't wanna hurt you.

Oh, yeah?

[ screaming]

I'm gay for David Cassidy!

♪ Come on

♪ Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah

♪ Everything's gonna be alright ♪

♪ I'm alright y'all, alright y'all ♪

♪ You wanna be alright, you gotta walk tall ♪

♪ Everything's gonna be alright now ♪

♪ Everything's gonna be alright now ♪

♪ I'm alright y'all, alright y'all ♪

♪ You wanna be alright, you gotta walk tall ♪

♪ I'm alright y'all, alright y'all ♪

♪ You wanna be alright, you gotta walk tall ♪