Original subtitles

Principle Vagina: Mr. and Mrs. Smith,

thank you for taking time off work to come in.

So, what's this about, Principal vagina?

Yeah, what is this about?

You're not a leaner. You don't have that in you.

Go sit at your desk like the outer city principal you are.

Morty! Summer! Stop.

Their latest offense had students

packing their gums with this...

This growth gives users perfect memories.

And there's no right way to put this...

the student body now do nothing

but relive their intimate achievements.

Yes, more! More canola oil!

Add to that Morty replacing himself with ninja clones,

Summer making toilets chant your weight when you sit,

and this is their third sci-fi strike this semester.

Morty and Summer are officially expelled.

Expelled? Can't you just suspend them with pay?

What has gotten into you two?

You're unrecognizable lately...

Mom gets red when she's angry.

Do we have any canola oil?

Ugh!

Add muting adults to the list.

So I wasn't having a mental breakdown.

Phew! Quit summoning me like this.

People are gonna think I'm a genie.

Dad, the kids just got expelled

for being high-concept assholes.

Turning people into carrots

won't help you beat the genie allegations.

I won't dignify that with a response, Jerry,

but I will make you a carrot at some point.

Too much. Too much!

My bones were my skin and my organs were frozen

in the orange marrow my blood became.

Oh, dear. The kids aren't expelled. They aren't expelled!

A! All A's! Every class!

Dad, this is why they're so spoiled.

You bail them out before they ever learn a lesson.

Yeah, you turned out so awesome without him.

Don't give Rick that much credit,

he's not bailing us out,

he's being a lazy piece of shit.

The fuck you just say?

Ugh! Little bitch Ninja-logged me.

See? Okay, you win.

I heard about this sleepaway camp off-world.

that rich people ship their spoiled kids to.

You're sending them away?

Shouldn't you be handling it yourself?

This is me handling it.

You want me to find a switch? Bend 'em over?

Give 'em the ol' hot seat?

I know you're being sarcastic,

but I don't like the excitement in your voice.

Good. Oh, whatever.

Keep turning your problems into carrots.

Beth!

Pack your shit.

This is bullshit.

How else are we supposed to treat our normie-ass classmates?

We're literally in space right now.

Yeah, why do we get punished

for being better than everyone?

Because you aren't. I am.

You two are remora... too fucking spoiled

to know you're mooching off a shark.

Ugh! Whatever, bro.

Me and Summer have grown so much

we arced onto same page.

But I guess we haven't grown

as much as your fucking bald spot.

Yeah, you dumb bitch!

It's pickleball-sized now. Oh, wow. Wow!

Look at Beyoncé, rolling up the partition.

Ho ho! Did I make the cover?

I can't believe you wanted to,

you fucking loser.

Goddamn it!

His thirsty ass picked up on the first ring.

What are you doing?

Reminding you who the shark is.

Oh! Thank God.

It's... over...

If you thought that dial was bad,

check out this button.

On your feet, maggots!

Move! Move! Move! Move! Let's go!

Listen, whatever this is, I can't dig holes all summer.

I have gentle hands, piano player's hands!

Well, put those hands to work...

Doin' whatever the fuck you want!

So, just to be clear?

The kids took over the camp.

Oh! Uh... g-good?

You feel that? The AC?

Beth, you know, if it's over 65 degrees, I get hives.

No. This is the first time we've had the house

to ourselves since...

I know she keeps drugs in here.

She's 17 and hangs out with my dad.

Ooh, I think I found some.

Oh, thank God. I mean... oh, no.

Not sure what goes in what orifice. Ooh.

This looks familiar enough.

Still got it.

Huh. Do you feel anything?

I mean...

I'm feeling...

G-great.

We should steal a car!

Beth? Future carrot?

I dropped off the little freaks.

You two wanna grab a drink? Shh.

We... we aren...

We aren't home.

What? U-oh, Beth, gross.

Just don't reply next time.

Ahh.

How'd Summer get drugs from Japan?

What even is this stuff?

Oh, man, we totally had you guys.

It's not a real camp anymore.

We campers overthrew the counselors years ago.

Years ago. Yeah, ya goofy hoes!

We run this shit now.

Anything you want? We got.

Anything you wanna do? You do.

Can I fire a bazooka on a skateboard?

C'mon, you know the answer.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna do it.

So what happened to the counselors?

Murdered 'em.

Fuck. Oh, God.

That's where we dump our lame.

Pretty sick, right?

Sickly... awesome.

Let's give 'em a tour.

Oh. Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Is he okay? Oh, God. Who gives a shit?

That's the amphitheater.

Great place to get fucked.

That's the archery range.

Perfect place to get fucked.

That's the cafeteria.

Super awesome place... We get it.

But where does everything else, like, come from?

A bunch of us have trust funds,

so we just DoorDash anything we want.

Greek food incoming.

And... no tip.

What, I didn't see him make it.

Excuse me, Edward Merlot Hands coming through.

Look, you're the first kid to show up here in ages.

So, uh...

Do you two solemnly swear

to dedicate your life to the party?

Woop woop! Yeah!

I'm gonna party 'til my face fucking face melts off!

Well, I guess being high forever isn't all bad.

I'll lose my job and... and... and, uh,

try to understand Jackson Pollock paintings.

It was a visualization of suicide.

Aw, it totally was.

You ruined it!

Are we really gonna be high forever?

C-Can we Google this?

We can Google anything.

Oh, Jer Bear, look!

They have some version of Narcan

at a pharmacy the next solar system over.

How are we supposed to get there?

My dad has a way to hail space cabs in the garage.

Come on. How's this not needing him?

Cause we're doing it behind his back.

How do these work again?

Like this, watch.

Oh, wow.

Oh, that's way easier!

You can't back out of this deal.

I got a pallet full of people-sized carrots.

"Not your problem?"

Oh, it's about to be.

If we make irregular rhythms...

...he can't hear us under there.

He's your dad, not the god of Arrakis.

All right, Zarz Dinnarz will be here

in what I'm guessing is three minutes...

Oh, that was seconds.

Hey! For, um, Rick?

You may enter me.

Uh, okay.

Ah! Please sit still.

I have taken a form your butts desire.

Oh, my God, this is the exact limo

we took to prom.

Those can't be real pretzels?

Oh, isn't this amazing?

It's like we're hanging out as kids again.

Oh, everything's slick like a womb.

Oh, I need to get baby-sized.

If I'm born, I'll rip my mother from crack to crack!

Everything okay back there?

Uh, do you have an umbilical cord?

What? Are you people high?

Oh, we shouldn't have done this, Beth.

We're too old to be this high.

Oh, sweetie, I'm right here with you.

You're safe. We're safe.

Mm.

Wow.

It's like prom night all over again.

You found the right hole eventually.

Where's the moon roof?

I need... I need to tell the universe

that Beth Sanchez is the best thing

that's ever happened to me.

Aw, Jer. Uh, what? Please remain seated.

But how will the cosmos know how I feel?

My dermis!

Ah! Oh, my God!

Whoo!

Thank you for choosing Zarz Dinnarz.

Oh, my gosh, is he dying?

No, I'm just tired.

I've been doing a lot of airport runs at night.

♪ When I get down on my luck

♪ I hide behind my eyes in Hollywood ♪

♪ They say, "Ain't what you know but who you know ♪"

♪ You need to know someone to know no one" ♪

♪ When I get down on my luck ♪

♪ I roll one up and roll around all by my lonesome ♪

♪ Lost some years, I used to know ♪

♪ I know my fate like bullets in a shotgun ♪

♪ When I get down on my luck ♪

♪ I hide behind my eyes in Hollywood ♪

♪ They say, "Ain't what you know but who you know ♪"

♪ You need to know someone to know no one" ♪

♪ When I get down on my luck

♪ I roll one up and roll around all by my lonesome ♪

♪ Lost some years, I used to know ♪

♪ I know my fate like bullets in a shotgun ♪

♪ She loves to dream, living in and off ♪

♪ And out her mind in space and time ♪

♪ She takes a line and lies her life away ♪

♪ You might just say she stays to go nowhere ♪

Bitch, move.

These assholes have way more stamina for being assholes.

Boys. Margo's gonna blow!

Oh, look at that, a Fart Baby!

What the fuck! Oh, my God.

False alarm. Just another baby.

Get that Fart Baby a beer!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Is that kid gonna be okay?

Fart Baby? Yeah, man.

He will be if he parties.

Fart Baby party!

Dude, this has gotten out of hand.

Yeah, we gotta bounce before

we turn into even bigger assholes.

What's this talk about leavin'?

Yeah, we're having a good time, right?

Kind of feels like we aren't free to go.

Isn't that technically a rule?

Nah, man.

Besides, all that's out there is that shitty ass town.

We just need to call our grandpa.

No phone calls. Okay.

I'm sorry, but see, that's two rules.

Fuck that shit.

You guys took an oath to rage,

and now you want to skip out on one?

Yeah, I'm starting to get a real lame vibe from these two.

And you saw the dead pile of lame people, right?

Oh, now look what you did.

Fart Baby's crying.

It's okay, Fart Baby.

They're not going anywhere.

They're gonna rage.

Oh, no, no. We're cool.

Then prove it.

I wish we hadn't given beer to that baby.

Oh, Beth, I had the strangest dream

we got high forever.

Yeah, this makes a lot more sense.

Uh, honey, how long have we been here?

Couple days? Couple weeks?

This store planet has an artificial sky.

Jerry, look!

Damn it!

It's in jail with the deodorant.

Paging associate, please wait.

Okay, he's on his way.

Paging associate. Please wait.

Paging associate. Please wait.

Because he was a bus ride away. Right.

The whole planet is a mall.

Paging associate. Please wait. I hope he gets here soon.

Oh, my God. Oh.

He's at an airport. Paging associate. Please wait.

Connecting flight?! I can't take this anymore.

Hey, stop right there!

Oh! Yes!

Whoo!

Did it work?

Are we un-high?

We have too few hearts, Jerry.

Too few hearts!

Beth, I called Rick.

What?!

You have a cosmic safety net for a dad.

Embrace it.

Well, that makes me feel like a baby.

It's okay to be a baby sometimes.

I've been a baby our entire marriage.

But we should all get a turn.

Well.

Well, I... I did have fun.

Me too.

Oh, now I'm invited to hang.

Whoa!

Oh, everyone wants grandpa's help, but nobody wants grandpa.

If we had a car, I'd roll the windows up.

Bars have phones, right?

Well, woo!

Look who came down the mountain

to grace us with their presence.

I didn't think you camp assholes

ever left your bubble.

Who gives a shit, lady?

This may be a literal matter of life and death.

Can we phone our grandfather?

Did not hear a "please."

Bitch, oh, my God! Fine, please!

"Bitch?" 'Scuse me?

I don't think you can reclaim words,

so I don't appreciate that.

One call. Oh, my God, thank you so much.

What's his number? 12.

12? That's a phone number?

Grandpa Rick, you need to come get us!

The campers killed the guards and counselors,

and now they're living it up by themselves

and won't let us leave and I know it seems like

we've learned nothing but we're done being spoiled assholes.

Hep- here's the thing.

Rick? H-Hello?

Bye.

Okay, what the fuck?

Couldn't help but hear there's a load of rich kids

up at that camp completely unsupervised.

Oh, not... not sure if, uh, there's a reason

everyone needs to know that.

Oh, there is.

It's visiting day.

For our guns.

Am I high or are the kids in danger?

Both.

We're being punished by the universe.

Beth, slap me. I-It'll sober me up.

Ow! Ow!

Did you see how I went up and back down?

Dad, we need to save the kids in a way

where they think we're not fuck ups

they can just blow off.

Okay, okay, just... just give me a sec.

Dad! Am I not standing yet?

Why are you s-so dense?

Carry the two...

All right. All right.

Kiiiids, home!

Ow. Did it work?

Are you Rick?

Yes.

The... the same Rick we just pushed through?

Oh, God.

I-Is this where the kids are?

I'm too fuckin' high for this.

We pushed you through...

and you came out.

Ah!

Do you feel different?

Uh, I don't know.

Do I?

Okey dokey, artichokey.

It's ransom tiiiime.

We googled your parents, and I gotta tell you something,

you kids are some real silver spoon fucks.

Except for you two... you two aren't rich at all.

Ouch. Hurtful.

What'll be "hurtful" is if we don't get our money.

So you better pray mommy and daddy pick up the phone.

Yeah? Let's hit it, boys.

We're screwed.

Someone's folks will pay up,

and we'll be out of here in no time.

You don't know that.

All of our parents left us here

because we're spoiled pieces of shit.

M-Maybe they aren't ever coming back.

Oh, thank Christ.

It's different.

Wow, it is.

H-h-hey, Morty! You're here.

Rick, get us out of this nightmare.

S-sure thing, Morty.

Mortyyyyy.

Mortyyyy.

I like that. What the...

Quit messing around.

Where's the portal gun?

I think I...

I think I left it in the shopping cart.

What? Did you guys smoke my High Forever?

Look at me.

Look at me.

You can't get angry, Summer.

I gave it to you. Probably.

Oh, my God. Wow. They're out of their gourds.

We are zooted.

This is why we've been acting out.

Because we have absolute psychos as role models.

You guys are bad parents.

Boo!

This version of everyone's mean.

You know what?

That man over there

is the smartest man in the universe,

and he always bails us out.

But he ain't bailing out shit right now.

We need to save ourselves.

Now put that affluenza to good use

and be the campers who took over this camp.

Great speech, Summer. You think so?

I tried to keep it tight.

No, no. It felt good. I'm fired up.

If we could just get to the archery shed.

We just need a distraction.

Can't believe these kids had access to bidets

and didn't think to use them.

I really hate standing guard.

I want to get back to power washing my asshole.

Look, pal, don't know how you got here,

but you are clearly lost.

Oh!

Die, stupid bitch.

Jesus Christ, he's so high he's walkin' through people!

Goddamn, m-maybe I could have

just yelled "Over there!" or something?

Let's take back this camp... again.

♪ One, two, three, four townie blood on the floor ♪

♪ Tear 'em open, tear 'em up backwoods honkeytonk ♪

♪ Rich kids versus working men feeling weird to root for them ♪

♪ I'm not gonna pick a team everyone is dumb and mean! ♪

♪ Nepo babies bust 'em wide everybody's bad inside ♪

♪ It's a riot, it's a war no one to be cheering for ♪

♪ Blood on the floor blood on the floor ♪

♪ Teeth in the blood ♪

♪ I hate the queen! ♪

Rad.

Jesus! I'm saying I have captured your child.

Be more worried.

Oh, that's good to hear he's still having

a nice time at camp.

Hello? Oh, my... they... Click?

Click? I'll click you! That motherfucker hung up.

Do not just stand there. Get him!

Oh, god! I'm only one guy.

I already got hit with an arrow!

Why is this so triumphant?

Mom! Mom!

Put the bows down slowly.

Jerry. Tell me you see that?

Oh, look, there's more over there.

What's going on? What are they doing?

Ow!

Damn it. "Look over there" would have worked.

All right, all right, dial it down.

I'm surrendering. I know when I'm beat.

Fuckin' A right. See ya.

Whoa, guys! We won!

Jesus, these rich kids are nutballs.

See what I mean? We're the same.

I wouldn't go that far.

Won't he drown?

Nah, he'll be fine.

Might even sober him up.

Dad, I want you to meet Fart Baby.

It only drinks beer.

Thanks for coming to pick us up, space, mom.

Yeah, yeah. No problem.

Let's get out of this camp that didn't work at all.

Is that Bill fucking Pullman?

Maybe this was good for all of us.

M-Maybe it will chill us all out.

Shut up. Don't tell your parents how to parent.

I want Del Taco now!

How long does this high even last?

Forever! That's just the name, mom.

Should be normal... in a few days.

Summer, did they take that stuff

I gave you for a rainy day?

Why don't you fuck us anymore?

Yeah! We had a good thing going.

Del Taco!

The one Dawn works at.

Fucking throuple us. Come on.

We're gonna see Dawn!

This ride is all the scared straight we need.

Kids these days love two things...

The latest trends

and animals selling vices.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you "Cool Horse."

Just fucking do it already!

The horse does seem cool.

Did you get any of that?