All language subtitles for arrested.development.s04e04.internal.bdrip.x264-archivist

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NARRATOR: Michael Bluth
was starting a new job

when he received a call
from attorney Barry Zuckerkorn.

Hello. Michael Bluth,
residential complexes.

- (horn honks)
- MAN: Take a picture of this!

BARRY:
Hey, Michael.

- You're in real estate again?
- Sort of.

Michael had tried
to leave real estate behind

and get a job
in the high-tech sector.

However...

I will tell you
that in my last position,

I had a company car provision.

I think we may have something
that can get you a car.

- Hey, Gare-Bear?
- Yeah?

I think we got an ostrich.

- Oh, God, grab him.
- What is it?

Now, with this car,
you may get some stares.

I'm used to a car
with some stairs.

NARRATOR:
Albeit one that had trouble

negotiating
low-hanging obstacles.

(horn honking)

(tires squealing)

Which is why
he'd parted with it.

MICHAEL: I'm actually working
in high tech,

but it does collide
with real estate.

This is going to be low.

Ah, I hooked it.

NARRATOR:
Michael was driving a car

from a company that shows

every private residence
in the country.

But it's also a company
that won't let us

show the car
that takes those pictures.

In fairness to them,
it is their property.

(horn honking)

If you want to know
what the company is...

Save it. We're just
going to blur it anyway.

...all you have to do is...

"something" it.

Barry, you still there?

So I got a really
interesting call

from Ron Howard, of all people.

He's directing now, apparently,

and wants to meet you
at his office

in-- get this-- Beverly Hills.

- Why does Ron How...
- (horn honks)

Why does Ron Howard want
to meet with me?

Oh, I didn't know. His office
didn't say, and if you

don't mind, I'm a little busy
with a case of my own.

Did you get
any other information?

Apparently, he directed
a movie called Cocoon.

MICHAEL:
Sorry. I was unclear

about why he wants
to meet with me.

I don't know. You want me to
tell him to go (bleep) himself?

I can tell Ron Howard
to go (bleep) himself.

Tell him to shove it
up his (bleep).

I just can't do it now

because I'm in front of a jury.

Barry, I will meet with him.

You're in front of a jury
right now?

Oh, and the looks I'm getting.
Got to go.

Sorry, everybody.
I'm an attorney, too.

BOB: Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

I'd like the defendant
to reach over the school gate,

open it from the inside

and enter the school
property, please.

I can't reach it.
I can't reach the knob.

Why is that,
Mr. Zuckerkorn?

- I'm not tall enough.
- You're not tall enough.

I can't reach the chotchie.

Hey, should I try tippy-toe?

Look, I'm on tippy-toes.

If he can't reach,
this trial's a breach.

Ooh, and that's what
we call a Law Bomb.

That's a low blow, Loblaw.

A Bob Loblaw Law Bomb.

NARRATOR:
Now the story

of a wealthy family
who lost everything

and the one son
who had no choice

but to keep them all together.

It's...

Michael drove to the
North American headquarters

of Imagine Entertainment,

the modest television
and streaming colossus

of Brian Grazer and Ron Howard.

And got his first taste
of how cruel Hollywood can be.

That's not very nice.

KITTY: "Ankles" means "leaves"
in Variety, Michael.

Kitty Sanchez.
What are you doing here?

I work here. I'm a "D" girl.

No, I don't want to see them.

I'm not going to show you
my (bleep), you pig.

It means "development."

I'm a movie executive.
I work for Ron Howard now.

NARRATOR: And she'd proven
as loyal to him as she was

to her former boss,
Michael's father.

But without the
quote, unquote "benefits."

Also, Imagine provided
no health benefits.

Great for you.
How'd you get this job?

Women can be movie executives,
you pig. I knew people.

You're probably going to call me
a pig for this, too,

but are you sure that
you meant to say "knew"?

She did.

The only thing at Imagine
that Kitty blew

was smoke up the skirt
of the young woman

who hired her,
Michael's niece, Maeby,

who was then working
as a film executive.

My first project
is about my family.

Ooh!

Yeah, which is why I thought
you'd be a perfect assistant--

because you know where
all the bodies are buried.

And I even helped
bury some of them.

Maeby was only 17 at the time.

Also, um, can you buy me booze?

Totally.

(whispering):
Whatever else, too.

'Cause I can get you smack
or hash or Special K...

Unfortunately,
when Maeby was shooting

out of town on a picture,
Kitty saw to it...

She didn't even get releases
from her family.

that Maeby's was one
of the bodies that was buried.

And I begged her to.

And the project got thrown
on the back burner.

MICHAEL: Do you have any idea
why Ron Howard wants to see me?

Believe me, if I could
think like Ron Howard,

I'd own the second largest
building in Beverly Hills.

Only Jerry Bruckheimer's
building

was technically taller.

But who wants to be
south of Wilshire?

WOMAN:
Mr. Howard will see you now.

- Oh, great.
- I'll take you to the private elevator.

- Thanks.
- Ooh! Going to meet the big man himself.

But first, Michael would have
to pass a few little Rons.

Michael Bluth.

- Hey.
- Hey, nice try, mister.

We're never going
to beat the original.

- Well, that's what I've been saying.
- Hi. Hey.

- Oh, Michael. Hey, thanks
for coming down. - How are you?

- Pleasure to meet you.
- I'm just finishing up

casting this
Andy Griffith Show thing.

Okay. Yeah.

Hang on a second.

You guys finally
making that movie?

I've been reading about it
for, like, 40 years.

Well, it's not a done deal yet,

- but I want to talk about you.
- Yeah.

- Hey, let's go inside the LEM.
- (gasps)

- You want to?
- Wow. Is this the one

that landed on the moon?

On a soundstage.

Oh, right, from Apollo 13.

No, no, 1969.

I'll tell you about it
inside the LEM.

It's soundproof in there.

And it's a national secret.

So, NASA did go to the moon
in '71.

That one was real.

But in '69, they weren't ready,

so they faked the whole thing
on the soundstage of Gentle Ben.

- Boy.
- Me and my brother,

we hid up in the rafters.

- We seen the whole thing.
- Ah.

But I want to talk to
you about something.

Okay.

For the last year, I've
been going to Phoenix.

Whoa, whoa. Hang on, now.

Are you kidding me?

I'm a... I'm a Phoenix.

I've-I've never... I've never
met anyone else in person

that, uh...
that also goes there.

That's amazing.

I guess that's the downside
of going to college online, huh?

Well, I... I just got
a sick aunt down there.

- Oh, I see.
- But on the last flight,

I was flipping
through the magazine,

- and I... I saw something.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Not-not...
not the begging photo.

Now, I don't think
you know this about me,

but most of my movies are based

on still photographs
that I find truly inspiring.

NARRATOR:
It was true.

Splash was based
on what turned out

to be a counterfeit Hockney

that Brian talked Ron
into buying.

The Da Vinci Code
was from this photo.

RON HOWARD:
You know Willow?

That was from a Soft 'n Snuggly
coupon I got in the mail.

But a man who is
passionate enough

to beg, well, that's a character

whose story we really want
to see.

- Really?
- Plus I've been dying to figure out

a way to do something
about the market crash

ever since my partner,
Brian Grazer, was tipped off

that it was three months
away from happening.

What's that?

But I never had a face
to put on it.

Until now. You.

Your wife is dying.

You're trying to hold
your family together.

Oh, gosh, no, no, no.

My wife died years before
any... any of this.

Oh, gee.

I think it's a lot more fun
if we see her die.

- That is fun.
- And by the way,

then it's a fantastic part
for a leading lady.

In fact, my girl Rebel
would be great in that part.

Your girl?

Rebel Alley.

She's an actress.
You know her.

NARRATOR:
He didn't.

I do.
Yes, of course I do.

Your girl, huh?

Well, we kind of like
to keep that quiet.

Michael assumed
that by "my girl,"

Ron was referring
to his mistress...

I can see why you're
telling me in the LEM, huh?

...but Ron was actually
talking about his daughter.

You probably think I'm terrible
for even mentioning her to you.

Oh, no, no,
I'm-I'm not one to judge.

I'm sure you've all got girls
up here in Hollywood, huh?

Brian's got two boys.

I think you're a natural
and it could be a great movie.

You know, and-and
it's a real chance

to show you guys off, too.

Us guys?

Well, it's about
the whole family.

Them?

We're going to need
everybody's signature

on these releases in order
to make this story.

Although the real
heartbeat of this thing

is the father-son dynamic.

Yeah. You know, Ron,

I-I don't know if I can do this.

We're not in a great way
right now,

and-and it might not
be worth...

Michael, take a few of these
cards and really think about it.

- All right.
- Yeah, man, I got a tough meeting coming up now.

How do you tell Ed Harris
that he's simply not a Barney?

NARRATOR: And while Ed was
getting some bad news,

Michael got some good news.

Excuse me.
Uh, is this a mistake?

Am I a producer?

It's one of the perks

of having a movie
made about you.

Huh.

Health plan is not
another one, by the way.

There's no health plan.

NARRATOR: Michael had been given
an opportunity

to turn his life around,
and all he had to do

to make it happen was to get

- his family's signatures.
- ...the family signatures,

especially my father's.

BARRY:
Wow, sounds like your thing

went a lot better
than my thing.

Except I haven't spoken
to them for a long time.

I mean, since I...
well, since-since my mom...

Left?

Yeah, for prison, yeah.

You want to know what?

Frankly, I think Ron Howard

just wants to get a movie
for his girlfriend.

Oh, it sounds like Ron Howard
is casting with his (bleep).

Well...

it is hard to believe,
but I guess they've all got

their mistresses up here
in showbiz, you know.

It's like it's
their God-given...

Front?
No, right.

- No, right.
- Calm down, everybody, all right?

- I got it. I got it.
- You think my dad

would ever even go
for something like this?

You know, it's very hard
to get a signature out of him.

It's... it's like somebody
a long time ago said...

BOTH: Hey, what if you never
signed anything

because you said you didn't
have a signature?

- Just like you, Pop.
- You... you don't have a signature?

No, and he's never
given me one card.

Not one birthday
card, which is why

his presents are
always money orders.

Right, Pop?

- I don't have a signature.
- Oh!

If you don't sign,
you will be fine.

Hey.

He's very smart.

He's very good.

Can you feel your hands?

I can't feel my pinky
or this one.

MICHAEL: You know what, Barry?
I hear what you're saying.

I... My dad would never do
something like this for me.

I'm going to head back in,
and I'm going to...

I'm going to tell Ron Howard
to forget about it.

- Yeah, you're screwed.
Hey, do me a favor. - Yeah.

- Tell Ron Howard to go
- Okay.

- shove his... (bleep)
- Bye-bye, Barry.

- Oh!
- Sorry. Whoops.

Whoa. Sorry.
That was my fault.

- No.
- I was looking at my phone.

It's not too embarrassing
walking around

with a bunch of photographs
of yourself.

Oh, well, looks like
it's part of your job, huh?

- You're an actress?
- No, I'm a narcissist.

Yeah, actually, "actress"
is an overstatement because...

Ugh. Thank you.

I was just sucking at
this audition I went on.

It was one of these ridiculous
meet-cute clichés,

where a guy and a girl
just, you know...

they bump into each
other, and they...

they fall in love.

God, you're handsome.

I got a...
maybe a lucky hair day.

You're the beautiful one.

You have beautiful eyes.

My deceased wife had red hair.

Yep, garbage like that.

And it's so unbelievable.

Like, they never get
each other's names.

Pretty stupid. Whoops. Gosh.

- Oh... oh! Ow!
- Oh! Are you okay?

- That really hurt.
- Ooh. You okay?

I wish I had done that
well in the audition.

Where's a movie producer
when you need one, right?

Well, it was really
nice to meet you.

Yes, you, too.

I'm a "moobie" producer.

Sorry. I'm a movie...

Here, I've got...

I've got proof here, huh?

- Oh, you are a movie producer.
- Yeah.

Yeah, there's a part
for a wife,

and you'd be perfect
for the movie.

(chuckling)

Do you like Scottish music?

Uh, with the screeching horns
and the silly...

Yeah. I'm in a band.

I love it. It's great.

We're playing at the Ealing
Club tomorrow night, and...

maybe you could come and...
and just check it out.

Oh, yeah?
I don't even know what that is.

(laughing)

I should've... Sorry.

That's funny.
I should have said "where."

Of course, I know what it is.

No, it's on the top
of that building.

- Okay.
- But can you imagine driving that car?

No, I can't. No.

NARRATOR: It wasn't until
Michael had walked

two blocks past the
California Pizza Kitchen

when this happened.

♪ Hey, I met a girl today ♪

♪ And her name is... ♪

(bleep)

So Michael went back
to find her

or, at the very least,
try looking for a head shot

- with her name on it.
- Nothing, huh?

She was super-pretty,
red hair...

But even without her name,

he knew his only chance
with her

was to be a real producer,
and that meant

getting a signature
from a father whose face

he hadn't seen in ages.

LUCILLE 2:
Oh, you're making me dizzy!

And that's when he
suddenly did.

LUCILLE 2: We have
to keep this quiet!

Dad?

No, no.

- Hi.
- LUCILLE 2: Don't say I'm down here.

- Right here.
- Hey.

What's going on?

I just came back to get, uh...

LUCILLE 2 (whispering):
Don't acknowledge me.

...get some suits, you know,

so I can look like the uptight,

dishonest, cheating boob
that I am.

Well, I never said "boob."

Although you are in
the wrong Lucille's apartment,

so unless you're looking
for a Bob Mackie original,

could be some truth
to the cheating part.

Yeah, well, I was
in the desert,

and I've lost my
sense of direction.

- (clears throat)
- Hey. Where you going?

Dad.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Listen.

You're getting divorced.

I am not one to judge.

Great to see you again.

The past is the past, and
things have worked out,

and I've met a
wonderful woman named...

Don't worry about that,
but I'm a movie producer now.

Unbelievable.

They're making a movie
out of my life.

The girl I met is perfect
to play my wife.

And it's... I don't know.

Can you believe it?
And I know what you're thinking:

- "Can you put me in it?"
- I don't care.

Do I have what I hope I've got?

Anybody who's getting
in the movie

needs to sign this.

It's a simple signature.

I think that everybody
needs to see

who the real George
Sr. is, don't you?

I think it would all depend
on how George Sr. was portrayed.

Well...

he is not the most
positive character, but...

you sign this, and I
don't see any reason

why we can't make him
seem very, very, uh...

uh, you know...

uh...

uh...

uh...

...nice.

- Go to hell.
- Huh?

NARRATOR:
Michael was actually relieved.

You go to hell.

He had no idea how he was

going to make
his father seem nice.

NARRATOR: Michael Bluth
was starting his new life

as a producer in-- get this--
Beverly Hills

without the signature
he needed to make it happen.

Your office is only
one floor below Ron Howard's.

Oh, yeah?

Must be a pretty important
project to him, then, huh?

- That's one possibility.
- (bell dings)

Watch your head.

Are these ceilings
a little lower?

Brian and Ron
wanted the ceiling

in their office to be
a few inches taller,

but, apparently, Bruckheimer
knows someone on city council

and they wouldn't let them
make the building taller.

So Ron said,
"(bleep) you, Jerry,"

and he went lower
with his floor.

Everybody wins, huh?

- Here we are.
- Oh. That's me, huh?

Oh. Ceilings
are even lower in here.

Yeah, your office
is right below Brian's.

He wanted his ceiling

just a few inches
taller than Ron's.

- Okay.
- Some internal competition.

- Kind of like between us.
- Yeah.

- Wait, what?
- Well, you have a family to track down.

Yeah, I do.
Hey, speaking of that...

Kitty, is there... is there
a directory of actresses,

- with pictures in it, that I could...
- Wow.

Starting with the
casting couch already.

No, no, no, no.
Nothing like that.

I met... I met this
unbelievable woman

that would be perfect
for the part of my wife.

And even if she isn't, I'd love

to track her down, so...

an actual couch could
be useful, please.

Okay, you're funny.

This is Imagine Entertainment,

not the hot tub
at Bruckheimer Tower.

We make family movies,

you (bleep) (bleep)
(bleep) pig.

- Okay.
- So, why don't you not worry

about casting your movie,
and instead just get

the rights to your family,
and, of course,

if you need any help at all,
I would love to help you.

- We like to pull together around here.
- Watch your back.

No, you watch your back, mister!

If you screw up
this project for me,

I will bury you
farther underground

than I did your illiterate
little niece!

Hi, guys.

NARRATOR: With Michael's movie
in jeopardy

over the rights,
he decided to call in a favor.

MICHAEL:
You know, we're making a movie

about the family, and I thought,

"I wonder if Carl Weathers

would be willing
to help me out."

- Let me ask you this right up front.
- Okay.

Do you think
anybody would be upset

if one of these Crinch
dolls took a walk?

No, no, no, no, help yourself.

I know what you're thinking.

"What part
would I play in this?"

I figured you'd
want me to play me.

Well, I... I didn't want
to waste you on you.

In fact, I wasn't even going
to talk to you about acting,

but if you are game,
boy, that would be great.

Let's circle back to that.

There's a television show,
was it,

that you made about my family.

NARRATOR: Michael was referring
to the George Bluth Sr. episode

of a horribly narrated
crime reenactment series

called Scandalmakers

that Carl had directed
years earlier.

Did you retain the rights
to my father's story?

Nah, man, rights cost money.

I never bothered
with that stuff.

I figure you go ahead,
you shoot it.

Better to ask for forgiveness
than beg for permission.

NARRATOR:
As it turned out, Carl

had never bothered
to get either,

which is why he made himself
the subject

of the final episode
of the series.

Lee Nails, only pressed on once.
(chuckles)

Carl, we're at a swap meet.

Okay.
There he is.

- Carl Weathers.
- Mr. Weathers-- Carl Weathers.

You've been accused
of producing a television show

based on real-life events
for which you've done

none of the due diligence
in securing the rights thereto.

I only have one question.

Can I have your rights?

- Of course.
- Of course, Carl Weathers.

CARL:
Cut!

Now we'll move on,
do a little voice-over.

How much are these belts?

- Oh, oh, oh, God.
- DeBrie!

Her heart stopped.
She's (bleep) dying.

Oh, hey, Dave,
you shaved, I like it.

Please get the paddles!

Oh, hey, Mike.
How was Ojai?

MICHAEL:
But, Carl, the whole point

of the movie is that
it's a true story,

so I need the rights.

- (laughing)
- Don't I?

Man, you're as green
as old lady Crinch.

Come on, people don't go
to movies to see rights.

People go to movies
to see actors.

Now, who you got
as scriptwriter?

NARRATOR: And that's
when Michael remembered

that he did know one member

- of the Writers Guild.
- The eye is falling off this one.

You mind if I swap it out,
you know, for the restaurant?

Swap it.

And I thought, who's going

to get it right the first time?

Because I don't want
to give a lot of notes.

And then it came to me.

Who knows my father better
than Warden Gentles?

Hold on one second.

"The first time."

Yeah.

My grandson gave me this,

but I guarantee you,
give me an old Royal

and a glass of Scotch,
and I'll give you

250 pages where
the lightning hits the tree.

- That's not what we do here.
- I mean,

where the drop hits the pond.

- That's it.
- I apologize.

I've had a few meetings today.

Then...

the yellow robot gets mad

at the pink robot--

- That does...
- correction...

the purple robot.

Sorry, I'm,
I'm back to back today.

I bet.

I'm gonna be honest with you.

You're not charring my tree,

and... yeah,

Jerry's not gonna come
off the boat for this one.

MICHAEL: This is basically
a story about

- Mm-hmm.
- a fellow like myself

- and his father
- Mm-hmm.

and their friend Carl Weathers.

I'm not entirely sure

how to organically work him
into the, to the story.

Uh, you know,
maybe he's teaching them

lessons or something.

Anyway, I'm gonna leave that
up to your capable hands.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait a minute.

I've turned it off again.

Yeah, those are tricky.

Might I suggest

bringing in someone younger
to play the father--

a Philip Seymour Hoffman type?

A Philip Seymour Hoffman type.

And so, naturally,

I-I thought of you.

Well, you know,
I'm a married man,

so I don't really
keep a directory

of attractive young
actresses around.

- Okay.
- I mean, are you really planning

on using her, or is it like
Conan with the girl writers?

It doesn't matter, it...

I-I'm here to talk
to you about a movie

that we're gonna make
about the family,

and I thought
that it might be really fun

for us to work together again.

Help me remember.
What did we do together?

You came over for a chicken
and ham-water dinner

that my family threw to raise
some funds for itself.

And they're finally
getting around

to making a movie of that, huh?

There's more to it than that.

It's, it's about
a young man trying

to get out from under
his domineering father

while dealing
with the slow death of his wife.

That just saved me 12 bucks.

I'm not going to see it.

I'm not asking you to see it;
I'd like for you to be in it.

No offense, I have a job.
I mean, I have a good thing.

- Oh, hey, Mr. O'Brien.
- Hey, how's it going?

- Real good.
- Andy, quick note.

Uh, just 'cause I look at you
when we're doing the show

and ask you a question doesn't
mean you have to respond.

Sometimes it's funny
when you don't say anything,

and the audience gets
to think, "Hey,

Andy really is stupid."

(laughs)

- Gets a big laugh.
- (chuckles)

- Hey, you're new.
- I've been here a year.

(laughing):
And you're funny, too.

Let's get you set up
in a writer's office.

Oh, you can have Andy's
if you don't mind

the smell of bologna.

I'm in.

♪ You're simply the best... ♪

NARRATOR: Michael had assembled
his dream team,

and now it was time
to wow his boss.

Excuse me, sir,
could you turn that off,

please?

Oh, I thought
that was playing in here.

Sorry, it was a slide show
of my granddaughter's--

daughter's graduation
from college.

- Sure. - Michael.
- High school.

- Hi.
- Did you get the signatures?

Better-- I put together
the core team: acting

- and writing.
- ANDY: You guys do remember

I have to be back in Burbank
by 1:00 every day, right?

- We've got that, uh-huh.
- I'm looking forward to this.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- This is happening.

- It is happening.
- It's happening.

Dude, you are moving
way too fast.

Maybe by Hollywood standards,

you know, but, Kitty, I come
from the business community,

where sometimes you have to
show it to him already built.

Still think
you're going to bury me?

Well, Michael, you may not
have your father's signature,

but you sure have
his signature style.

Cue the music.

I think I just deleted my pitch.

NARRATOR: As it turns out,
it wouldn't matter.

(elevator bell dings)

Uh-oh.

Hello, think there's a problem
with the elevator.

Do you have
a scheduled appointment?

N-No, we're here
to see Ron Howard.

This is the untitled
Michael B. project.

I'm actually a producer here.
How are you?

I've got the office
just below the sunken

living room there in Brian's.

We're here to pitch
Ron the movie.

I'm sorry, sir, this is
a restricted floor.

RON:
Louisa, it's all right.

For crying out loud,
I'm not the king of England.

- Ah, there he is, hey, Ron.
- Oh, did you get that signature?

You know, I've got
something better--

take a look.

Andy Richter?

I'm out, (bleep) it, I'm out.

Not married to Andy,

- but what I do have is the writer.
- Stephan Gentles,

Warden, East Orange County
Department of Corrections

and writer of multiple episodes
of Rocko's Modern Life.

Well, everybody's got
to start somewhere.

(laughs)
As long as I don't end up there.

I'll have 25 pages on your desk
by tomorrow morning.

Gosh, that's

- putting the cart before the horse.
- Oh, yeah.

Loo-Look who I've got
to play Carl Weathers.

Oh, is that Cuba?

No, no, n-n-no,
that's not Cuba.

I did not want to
waste Cuba on Carl.

This is Carl Weathers.

Oh, sure, Carl.

You know, I thought it was Cuba

with the perfect
Carl Weathers makeup.

No, no, no, no, Cuba doesn't
have that kind of range.

The thing is,
I really do insist

- on controlling the casting myself.
- I get it. - I'm out.

I thought maybe if you just saw
the whole team together.

BRIAN:
Team, what team?

I should be informed
of all meetings.

Hey, Cuba, how you doing?

Oh, Brian, you know Carl
Weathers, Stephan Gentles,

Andy Richter,
and Michael Booth.

I'm gonna skip this one.

Good to see you, Brian.

You know, Ron, I think
it might be easier to talk

if we just come up
just the rest of the way.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, the elevator's been kooky
since we lowered that floor...

but maybe
once you get that signature.

It might be kind of tricky.

They're all down
in Orange County.

- Tough to get down there.
- Oh, hey, B.

- Yeah. - We must have an office
down there somewhere.

Yeah, we'll stick you someplace.

Yeah.

We'll stick you someplace.

NARRATOR:
Michael was starting work

at his new show business office

- at Orange County Imagine.
- Charles Dawkins.

And his office was already
receiving a lot of visitors.

Don't get comfortable.
Sir, thank you, no.

But mostly because
of the sign's similarity

to that of this institution,

which also received
some confused visitors.

An embolism?

I-I was just here
to pitch a game show.

Go right out this way,
sir, thank you.

- But can I leave a sample?
- It's generous

of you, but they're gonna be
much better

with it down there at Imaging.

And that's when Michael got
his most unexpected visitor.

Dad, what are you doing here?

I wanted to speak
to you in person.

I think that you're
a little late, okay?

Because I went to you
for a simple signature,

not so I could just make
a movie about the family,

but so that I can move on
with my life,

and you told me to go to hell.

Yeah, you know, sometimes,
when I'm caught off guard,

I say things I don't mean.

This is a horrible
little office.

So you're here to apologize,
is that right?

Yes, and I, uh, brought
you a peace offering.

Tetas Gigantes?

You hate it, right?

Well, it's, it's Mexican porn.

You know, you are
impossible to buy for.

Just, uh, give it to me.

- No, no, oh.
- No, no, no, give...

- No, no, no.
- See, this is the (bleep) kayak

- all over again.
- Dad, I apologize.

I was saying it was
a very original gift.

No, no, no.
You'll never use it.

I will use it, except
for maybe Señor Señoritas.

I live in Mexico now

and I, I don't always
know how to ask

- exactly for what I want.
- Understandable.

And that's almost over now,

which is what I came
to talk to you about.

Do you know a guy
named Herbert Love?

I know a lot of people, sure,

'cause I'm a big producer now.

- Yeah?
- He ate a mouse.

Let's grab a coffee.

Okay, so I guess things
haven't been going

that well for me.

And you didn't feel
you could tell me that?

That's why I haven't
heard from you?

I guess I was afraid
that if I admitted

Sudden Valley was a failure...

- Told you so.
- ...you might say, "I told you so."

Well, then, you don't
know me at all.

It's all right, it's my fault. I
bit off more than I could chew.

I mean, I lied
about being a big shot

to impress this girl
whose name I don't even know.

I've got this crazy idea
that I'm gonna turn into a star

with a film that I can't
get made 'cause I can't get

my own father's signature
on, on, on a release.

- It's like, you know...
- Shh, shh, shh...

I didn't know it was
about lying to a girl.

Give me the release.

You'd do this for me?

Of course I will.

NARRATOR: And so, with his
father's rights in hand,

Michael the producer headed up

to find his lady
"Cinderella Man"

at the Ealing Club,

an exclusive show business
hangout.

Ron Howard.

Oh, thank you.

No, it's Michael Bluth. Hi.

Oh, I remember.

I did it.

I got my father's signature.

You know, you said
you wanted to focus

on the father-son relationship,
and I love it.

Who's not going to
be able to relate

to a son standing up to
his self-centered father?

Sure.

But the father-son relationship
I was interested in

was not you and your father,
it was you and your son.

You're the father.

But that would make
my son the son.

Bingo.

NARRATOR:
Michael had to decide

whether being a producer
was worth invading

the privacy of a son who had
kicked him out for that reason.

I don't think I can do it.
I don't think I can go...

I can't go to my son.

That's, uh-- I just--
I don't even think

that it's worth it just to say
that I'm a producer, like...

- It's your call.
- Yeah.

Maybe the real estate business
will come around soon.

Will it?

I could never reveal that
information to a non-producer.

NARRATOR:
And then he heard something

that made him change his mind.

Michael?

Mr. Moobie Producer.

That's me.

NARRATOR:
And like all bagpipe music,

it was hard to tell if it was
good music played horribly

or horrible music played well,

but Michael was eager
to find out

her name
when she was introduced

at the end of the set.

And tonight on bagpipes...

(goat bleats)

NARRATOR:
But he got to know her anyway.

Fantastic.

I'm only doing this
in between movies,

which, given how badly I bombed
at that audition yesterday,

it's going to be a while.

Yeah, you shouldn't worry
about that, you're gonna get

something.
You know, sometimes

even students make films.

(laughs)

Yeah, that's really funny.

I just could put
your name in for something.

I do know Ron Howard.

(laughs)

Love that I make you laugh.

You seriously would be
great for this part.

You remind me of the person
that, that it's based on.

Uh, she, she actually
dies on camera.

Wow.

Make her mentally challenged

and I'll thank you
in my Oscar speech.

There's a part like that, too,

only she-she comes in later

and she's British,
so she doesn't seem...

No one could ever tell
that she's disabled.

I haven't been in work mode
for a while to be honest.

I've been, I've been
raising my son.

Oh, you have a son?
I have a son.

- You do?
- Oh, yeah, we've got a little issue,

though, right now.

Let me guess.

He's pushing you away?

- Yes.
- My son practically

kicked me out of his school
the other day.

That is literally
what my son did to me.

Then I said to him,

"You have no privacy from me."

That's what I should do.

Lem's six in August.

Yours?

- Seven in July.
- Aw...

NARRATOR:
Michael regretted the lie,

so he sort of split
the difference.

Teen-- 17

- in July.
- Oh.

They grow up so fast,
don't they?

Oh, wow.

Well, I guess you got to move
on with your life sometime.

Yes.

Yes, you do.

Oh, n-no, you know what?

I don't think that this
is-- it's not a good idea.

This is a great idea.
Why don't you think this is

- a great idea?
- 'Cause people can see.

- Nobody can see.
- Oh, God.

Wow, you weren't kidding

when you said you had
a part for me.

- That was absolutely insane.
- Thanks.

I've never done anything
that crazy before.

- Perfect.
- I want to do a lot more of that.

I want to see you again.

I want to take you out
to a nice dinner.

- Oh.
- So, then, uh...

Well, this will have
to tide you over until then.

Oh, look at those.

Boy, without this, I wouldn't
know you had a tattoo.

Oh, anyone that gets
that much clothing

off me better know my name.

(moans)

- Good night.
- Good night.

NARRATOR: And that's when
Michael finally saw her name.

Oh, my God.

I'm dating
Ron Howard's girlfriend.

NARRATOR:
Actually she's his daughter.

But that's kind of worse,
don't you think?

Michael starts
to really learn the business.

We can keep going around
another 20 minutes, if you want,

but I know what
I'm talking about.

I just went through this
last week with a guy.

That is a hernia.

I'm gonna send you to my guy
over at Hoag Hospital.

They call him the
Bulge Whisperer.

He does 20 of these a week.

NARRATOR: And after failing to
get back to Burbank on time,

Andy calls in a favor

from his identical
quintuplet brother Rocky.

All right, my next guest
is a famous pilot

who safely crashed his plane
into the Hudson River.

That's kind of a
coincidence, Andy.

We've got a pilot
who crashes planes,

and you're an actor
who crashes pilots.

And Rocky hurts two nice
red-haired guys' feelings...

Yeah, that's really funny.

You know what else
would be funny?

If I ripped that red rug
right off your head

and turned you into Ron Howard.

...while getting the biggest
laugh of Andy's career.

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