All language subtitles for The.Good.Place.S01E13.EXTENDED.1080p.Bluray.x265-HiQVE

DAVE: Morning, Mike. How's it hanging?

Oh. Fine, Dave, just fine.

I put your mail on your desk,

and you have an appointment later
with the Director of Point Calculations.

Let's reschedule that.
Those things last like a thousand years.

Listen, we got the files
for the new crop of incoming,

and the Big Guy thinks it's time
for you to fly solo.

I get to design it myself?

You've been an apprentice long enough.
You're ready.

It's... Oh.

Oh, Dave. I'm gonna work so hard.
My design is gonna be absolutely perfect.

[chuckles] Okay. Easy there, rookie.

Starting immediately,
you'll be out of my department.

You'll be reporting directly
to the front office.

This is your shot. Good luck.

SHAWN:
The bad place is owed two people.

You have all done bad things
since you arrived here.

I don't care which two of you go.

You can decide.

You have 30 minutes.

[timer beeps]

All I ever wanted
was for this neighborhood

my first neighborhood, to be perfect.

Somehow I blew it and...

now you're all suffering,

and for that, I'm deeply sorry.

This is truly
the saddest day of my life.

[jolly circus music plays]

Okay, I guess I'll speak first.

Jason and I are the mistakes.

We're the ones who misled everybody
and dragged you all into this mess, so...

We should go to the Bad Place.

Agreed.
- Yes.

Okay, I thought you were gonna at least
pretend to fight me on that but whatever.

Hang on. That judge guy just said
everyone here has done bad things.

Let's look at this ethnically.

For what I hope is the last time.
It is “ethically”.

You guys helped me and Eleanor, right?

But we're bad,
so you helping us was bad.

It's basic consequentialism:

the morality of an action
is solely judged on its consequences.

[laughs] Great. That's...

The one time you actually remember
something from class.

Maybe I was brought here by mistake,
but since we've been here

I just tried to stay
out of everyone's way.

Chidi's done worse stuff than me.

He murdered Janet. He killed my wife!

I was trying to stop you from doing it!

Yeah, but you did it.

He who smelt it, murdered Janet.

Okay, well, it's settled then.

Eleanor and Jianyu are leaving.

For the last time, my name is Jason,

not Jianyu,
the amazing, incredible monk.

Which is why
you belong in the Bad Place.

And by the way, Janet is not your wife.
Or your soulmate.

There's a Janet in every neighborhood.

Well, I'm in love with this Janet.

We did a bunch of amazing, awesome stuff,
which almost turned out to be sex,

and we were married in a legal ceremony.
- It was not legal.

Okay, J-bones, you and me, outside.

What? But...

I'm not going. I don't wanna.

I know you don't wanna, goofball.
I don't wanna either, but let's face it:

Chidi and Tahani are better people
than we are.

We tried to improve ourselves,
and you know what, we did a good job.

Well, I did a good job.

You mostly fell asleep in class
or made fart noises with your hands.

[fart noises]
- I could never do that on Earth.

This place truly is paradise.

TAHANI:
Look at them

whispering away
like two beefeaters on a tea break.

I bet they're plotting against us.

No way. Eleanor wouldn't do that.

You do have feelings for her, don't you?

I don't know. Y-Yes. But no.

Please don't make me think
about this again. My brain will break.

I'm sorry, it's just that I have
certain feelings for you.

You must see this.

The universe keeps intertwining our fates.

At first, we both get
fraudulent soulmates

and now we may be going
to the Bad Place together.

It's meaningful, don't you think?

This whole romantic situation
is such a mess.

I am vexed, Tahani. Vexed.

I'm sorry,
I don't mean to contribute to your misery.

It's just that I'm frightened.

I don't have an actual soulmate.

What's gonna happen to me
when Jason and Fake Eleanor go

and you're off with Real Eleanor?

Whither Tahani?
- Okay. Team meeting.

Jason has agreed
that the two of us should go.

Bye, Tahani.

Sorry for everything.

After I'm gone, you can go ahead
and clean out my bud-hole.

Thank you.

I love you so much, baby.
Promise me you'll visit?

I will not.

It is literally impossible
for me to do that.

Well, it's been real, dog.

Sorry, that's how I ended
most of my serious relationships.

Yeah, that checks out.

I feel like I failed you.

No.

Don't ever think that.

I was dropped into a cave...

and you were my flashlight.

Oh, goodbye forever.

I will miss you so much.

Oh, I'll miss you too, you sexy skyscraper.

Okay, ready, bud?

It's gonna get freaky down there.

Noice.

Not in a good way, dummy.

Whatever happens, if we possibly can,
we gotta stick together. Okay?

Good.

Let's grab Michael.

[knock on door]

ELEANOR: Come in.

Hi, guys. Sorry to interrupt.

Um...

I'm going to the Bad Place.
I'm taking one of the slots.

What?
- Awesome.

I've been there. I know I can hack it.

Actually, I have kind of a rapport
with some of the fire monsters.

Also, if I can prevent someone else
from being tortured,

I should. It just seems right.

Eleanor, that's crazy. You belong here.

There's another reason.

Everyone here
is supposed to have a soulmate,

and my soulmate doesn't love me.

I don't know if you love the other Eleanor,
or Tahani, or someone else, but...

you don't love me,
which means that this...

will never really be my Good Place.

I'm going, so you only have to choose
one more person.

Okay, that means...

That means that... What does that mean?

It means...

I get to stay here with my wife forever!

We did it, Eleanor!

USA! USA! USA!

USA! USA!

Woohoo! This is so dope!
I get to stay.

You realize if you stay,
I still have to go, right?

Yes, but, I get to stay.

Good point, bud.

Well reasoned.

Wow. Chidi is a terrible writer.

[sighs] This is a real mess, huh?

No matter what they decide

I bet you're gonna be in pretty hot water
with your boss.

Wouldn't be surprised
if retirement were on the table.

Retirement?

Course, what do I know?

I'm just the All-Knowing Judge
of All Matters in the Afterlife.

But face it, this is your mistake.

VAL: Morning, Mike.
- Morning, Val.

Which one's which? I always forget.

Black is regular. Orange is anti-matter.

Working on your first solo design, right?

How's it coming?

Fine.

I guess.

Do you ever get the feeling
we could be doing it all... differently?

I mean, it's always the same.

We get the names,

come up with the design, they arrive,
we move onto the next one.

We never even get to be there...

to see how fun it is.

Yeah, that is a bummer,

but it's a good system.
I mean, it works, right?

But don't rock the boat here, pal.
Just try to do a good job.

[Val groans] French vanilla?

Regular anti-matter's fine.
Why flavor it?

A good job.

Okay, all things being equal,
and please check my ethical math here,

the right move for me is to go, right?

Jason does seem to love Janet.

And he's not taking anyone's place

because the real Jianyu
isn't even dead yet.

So I should go.

Wow.

You're making decisions
based on what's best for other people.

Yeah, dude. I'm not a monster...

anymore.

Alright, nerds, it's settled.

I'll go to the Bad Place
with Real Eleanor,

and you three can stay.
- Yes! We get to stay, baby. We did it!

Wait, no.

You're not going.

I am.

What?
- Why?

Real Eleanor is my soulmate

or was my soulmate,

and she's only going down there
because she thinks that I don't love her.

Do you?
- I don't know.

Please don't ask me that.
My stomach hurts.

The point is,

if she's going down there because of me,
I'll never be at peace.

Plus, Jason's right.

I've done plenty of terrible things
since I've gotten here.

I deserve to go.

Yes! We get to stay, baby.
We did it!

No, dude, this is bonkers.

I am going. End of story.

No, I'm going with Real Eleanor.
End of discussion.

No. I'm going. End of everything.

What? Now you're trying to replace Chidi?

No. I'm going to replace Real Eleanor.

Chidi and I are going to go together,

which means that you and Real Eleanor
and Jason can stay.

Yes! We get to stay, baby.
We did it!

Look, I love you,
and I think you love me.

We can be together,
away from everyone else.

Obviously, we'll be miserable,

but I truly believe
our love will make us happy.

Okay, you realize the Bad Place is not
some sort of couples' retreat, right?

If it is, Janet and I would like to go.

I am going! And Real Eleanor is going!

No, I'm going with Real Eleanor.

No, I'm going with Chidi.

Me and Janet are staying, just FYI.

Oh, that's enough out of you, robot lover.

Hey, that's racist.
- Not a robot.

Oh, you have some nerve.

Guys?

[indistant arguing]

Guys!

CHIDI: The only reason why I'm going
is because Real Eleanor is going.

If you go,
it doesn't make sense for me to go.

Look. You're not listening to me.

Holy motherforking shirtballs.

What?
- Oh, man!

Wow!

[laughing] Okay, okay.

Uh, whoo!

Yo, Mikey! Shawn!

Come on out!

Is everything okay?
- Right as rain, Mikey, my boy.

So, Chidi and I
are gonna go to the Bad Place.

What?
- Trust me. I've got this.

That's our decision. Let's hit it.

Well... What about Real Eleanor?

No, it's me and Chidi. Call the train.

Point of order. I don't accept this offer.

The real mistakes were Jason and Eleanor.

Gah, gah, gah, gah!
You said any two of us.

It's me and Chidi. Let's do it to it.

Michael! I just found
an obscure precedent in the rules

that might just save everyone.

Buzz off, Bambadjan.
Don't need it.

Uh, okay.

Ready when you are, boss.

CHIDI:
Eleanor, what's going on?

It took me a while to figure it out,

but just now as we were all fighting
and yelling at each other

and each one of us demanding
we should go to the Bad Place

I thought to myself,
"Man, this is torture".

And then it hit me.

They're never gonna call a train
to take us to the Bad Place.

They can't. Because we're already here.

This is the Bad Place.

[laughs wickedly]

Oh, man!

I can't believe you figured it out.

[laughs wickedly]

Oh, God!

You... You ruined everything,
you know that?

MICHAEL:
Oh, man.

Eleanor, you really suck!

I was so close to pulling it off!

[grunts angrily]

Sorry. So she's right?

Yeah, she figured it out.

No... No, this doesn't make any sense.

This is paradise.
- Oh, it looks like paradise,

but it's actually a filthy dumpster
full of our worst anxieties.

I'm surrounded by people
who are literally better than me.

Just me being here forced Chidi
into an ethical clusterfork.

Tahani tortured Jason

by constantly trying to get him to talk

Jason tortured me because I was sure
he would blow our cover,

which was torture for Chidi
because he was responsible for me,

which made Chidi
seem like the perfect soulmate,

and that tortured Tahani
because he didn't love her.

You don't love me?
- Please, don't ask me that right now.

See?

We've been torturing each other
since the moment we arrived,

and everything Michael has done
has made at least one of us miserable.

I had to be his assistant
and try and find myself.

He convinced me
to throw my life's work in the garbage.

TAHANI: He made sure I'd see
those bogus neighborhood rankings

because he knew I'd hate
being second-to-last.

JASON: And I had the perfect bud hole
and no dudes to share it with.

He played us like a fiddle.

You gotta give it up.

Oh, dip!

Eleanor, I told you that first night
that we were in a prank show.

Oh, yeah. You did. Great job, man!

Chidi, don't go!

I don't care if you don't love me.
I love you.

It's the only thing that makes
any sense to me in this crazy world,

and I think we should stay and try--

No, stop, Vicky. They figured it out.

They...
- MICHAEL: They know this is the Bad Place.

Eleanor figured it out.

Oh, man!

This was supposed to be my big moment.

I just rehearsed that speech
for, like, three hours.

Damn it, Eleanor, you are the worst,

and you can all suck it.

Do you remember what I told you

when you predicted you could do this
for a 1,000 years?

The time has come to innovate.

The human afterlife can be more fun--

for us, obviously,
not for the people we're torturing.

Who cares about those dummies?

I present to you the perfect recipe
for my proposed experiment.

Four people, perfectly suited
to make each other miserable.

I am going to design an afterlife
where they torture each other.

We've tried this.

Humans are very reticent
to torture each other.

Even getting them to do simple things

like pulling out each other's teeth
is like...

I can't think of the right analogy.

Uh, what makes you think
that you can get them to do this?

Because they won't even know
that they are doing it.

I'm going to make them think
that they are in the Good Place,

and to make sure
that they drive each other insane

I will be there

posing as a Good Place architect.
- What?

I even stole a Good Place Janet
we can use.

It can work.

Look, we can just send them all
to the hot spike pits

with the lava and the bees

and the lightning
that tears off their flesh.

Let's try something new.

The thrill of watching them torture
each other

with personal deception and jealousy
will be so much more fulfilling than

I don't know, uh,
pouring spiders into people's eyes

for, like, the zillionth time.

Hey, the spiders work great.

Val, no one is criticizing the spiders.

No... You've done amazing work
with the spiders.

Too many variables. Too many moving parts.

That's what will make it fun.

I cannot predict everything
that's gonna happen

but we'll improvize.

We'll... We'll be on our toes.

It'll be exciting.

I think...

that we can get them
to torture each other...

for a 1,000 years.

I think you'd be lucky to get six months
out of this insane gambit.

But take me through it.

How would this work, exactly?
- MICHAEL: Oh.

Yes, all right, so...

This is a 14-million-point plan.

Um... Oh, sorry.

I thought we reserved the conference room.

No, Todd, we have it until three.

Sorry. Sorry, everyone.

So...

Bambadjan, and Pavita,
and Gunnar, and Shawn...

Everyone else in this neighborhood--

Except for you four,

everyone in this neighborhood
is one of us.

After I came up
with everyone's characters,

we'd just create fun scenarios
designed to torture you.

How can I be over it?
We haven't discussed it

or even spoken for days.

Well, it sounds like
you've had a really nice vacation

from your full-time job.

Get your story straight.

Okay.

They're at each other's throats already.
This should put them over the top.

Ed, you play Bart, a former private eye.
- Ooh.

Oh, uh, maybe my specialty was I...
identity theft cases.

Oh, he'll love it. Love!

Now, Tracy, you're his soulmate, Nina...

a marriage counselor.

Maybe we can get them to swing with us.

That's perfect, perfect!

Shh, shh, shh.

MICHAEL:
Hey, guys? It's Michael.

[Eleanor groans]

MICHAEL: That was really a fun time.

Then it all started to go off the rails.

When I confessed.

You had no idea I was gonna do that

because, honestly,
I had no idea I was gonna do that

MICHAEL:
Yeah, that came out of nowhere.

I mean, after that,
it was just a crazy scramble for all of us.

You know, I... I definitely underestimated

how effective Chidi was gonna be
teaching you to be good,

and obviously, we didn't anticipate
that Janet would fall in love with Jason.

Hang on. That part is real?

Oh, yeah. Janet isn't one of us.

No, she's sort of a foundational mainframe
for all of the neighborhoods

good and bad.

And apparently,
this Janet is in love with Jason.

I mean, co... What a world, huh?

I knew it.

I love you so much, baby.

And I, in an indefinable way
that is not communicable through language,

love you.

Wait, I don't get something.

I know why Jason and I were sent here,
but why Tahani?

Oh yeah. Didn't you raise, like,
$5,000 for charity or whatever?

Uh, 60 billion, actually, so...

Oh.

But it didn't matter...

because my motivations were corrupt.

I didn't care about helping the people
I raised the money for.

I just wanted to prove my parents wrong,
and stick it to my sister,

get fame and attention.

My only real goal was to snog
Ryan Gosling at the Met Ball.

Which I did.

Couple of times, actually.

Well, well, well.

Looks like Duchess Perfecto
wasn't so perfect after all.

I don't really think now
is the time to gloat, Eleanor.

Don't care. Gonna gloat a little.

But wait, why is Chidi here?

Well, um...

there's something
you don't know about me.

I read an article saying that...

growing almonds was bad
for the environment,

and yet I continued to use
almond milk in my coffee--

No, dingus!

You hurt everyone in your life
with your rigidity and your indecisiveness.

Oh, fork!

You're right.

Every friend, every girlfriend
was driven nuts

because I couldn't do anything.

I missed my mom's back surgery

because I had already promised
my landlord's nephew

that I would help him
figure out his new phone.

I made everyone miserable.

Well, if it makes you feel any better

you were the closest
to actually getting in, up there.

You weren't that close.
You were just the closest.

Well, that makes me feel worse somehow.

Good. Thank you, Chidi.

I... I really needed to hear that
right now.

I mean, all this hard work,
all the planning, all for nothing.

It really sucks.

No, it doesn't.

This is wonderful.

You saw us all on Earth,

a selfish ass, an idiot DJ,
a tortured academic,

a hot, rich fraud with legs for days...

Side note, I might legit be into Tahani...

but that's for another time.

You thought we would torture each other,

and we did for a little,

but we also took care of each other.

We improved each other,

and the four of us became a team.

So, the only thing you succeeded in doing
was bringing us all together.

Oh, Eleanor...

that's it!

My big mistake
was bringing you all together,

h-having you be soulmates
living next to each other.

Next time, I'll spread you out,
so it's more of a slow burn.

Uh, next time?
- Yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna, uh, erase your memories,

you know, make a few changes,
and start over again.

Hopefully. Just gotta get
the boss man to sign off.

Wish me luck.

Guys, we need a plan. Quick.

Tahani, anything?

Chidi, I need ya. You're the smart one.

I... I... l can't. I... I can't.

ELEANOR: Jason?
- What? What's up?

Ugh!

What do you say?
Take two, huh?

I don't know.

I mean, what is this?

All this work for four people,

and me, I'm wearing a judge's robe.

I feel like a real weeny.

Look, for a first attempt
it was actually very promising.

Let me...
Let me just tinker a little, try again.

Okay.

But you're way out on a limb here, Mike.

If this thing goes sideways again,
you are done.

Guys, he is going
to erase our memories at any second,

and all of this
will have been for nothing.

Ugh! You're useless!

What do I write? What do I write?

Ooh, come on, brain.

Janet?

You can't eat anything, right?
- Correct.

ELEANOR:
Open up.

MICHAEL: All right, let's try again,
shall we?

You know what, bro?
Do your worst.

We figured it out once,
we can do it again

because you know what, Michael?

Ya basic...

Eleanor, come on in.

You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead.

Your life on Earth has ended,

and you're now in the next phase
of your existence in the universe.

Cool.

You know the way you feel when you see

a chimpanzee and a baby tiger
who've become friends?

That's how you're
going to feel every day.

Your medical relief mission to Kazakhstan,
that really put you over the top.

You got a ton of points for that.

Eleanor? I'm Chris Baker.
I'm your soulmate.

Cool. Bring it in, man.

So where are you from, Chris?

I'm from Teaneck, New Jersey,
and I was a mailman.

Really?

Chris, you'll stand by me
no matter what, right?

Hold that thought.
Is it okay if I go work out?

I love working out.
I gotta stay jacked, it's... who I am.

Yeah, you gotta.

Once I'm back,
we'll get to know each other.

Great.

See ya soon.

- Hi there.

Who are you?
- I'm Janet.

I think this is yours.

After I was rebooted,
I found it in my mouth.

What?

What the fork is a "Chidi"?

Why can't I say "fork"?