Original subtitles

In the end, it's all the same.

How is it the same? Driving an Uber is better than what I do.

Their passengers wait on the street. I have to go get mine.

They can have a chat, and they get tips.

Yesterday, you took €20 from a dead man's pocket.

But that only happens once a month.

Usually you find used tissues... or candy...

-You want one? -Uh, sure.

I don't really have an equivalent.

I mean, there aren't cremators for the living.

-There was in medieval times. -Yeah?

They burned witches, redheads, blasphemers...

But they used bonfires, not crematoriums.

Ah. If only it were up to me to choose who to burn alive.

The problem that we have in our sector, the predicament is not...

-Oh shit! -Help, somebody!

-Kidnappers! They're trying to rape me! -No, no, calm down, ma'am.

It was a misunderstanding. God damn it, cut that out.

Just calm down! Calm down, ma'am.

-Help! Police! -Please, don't scream!

Dámaso? What did you say the room number was?

No, no!

DEATH INC.

There. There.

Not so hard. It's meant to be relaxing, not painful.

It's just, you're really tense.

How could I not be? I didn't get any sleep.

Today is make or break.

I know, boss.

It's even more than that. Today is glory or humiliation.

Work my neck a bit.

If she names me director... Oh, fuck, Morales!

Don't you ever trim your nails?

Uh, sorry, boss. I'll use the pads of my fingers.

If she chooses me, I'll have finally made it.

The alternative is the worst case scenario possible.

The person in charge would be the most inept and idiotic...

-Good morning! -Hey, Chemi. How are you going?

Fantastic. I slept like a baby.

Why is he going into the director's office?

I don't know.

Out of my way.

-Uh... -What can I do for you, Dámaso?

Uh, nothing. Why are you in here?

Has Nieves already decided...

No, no, no. I haven't heard anything, but I thought I'd wait for her here.

Excellent. Phenomenal.

False alarm. She hasn't decided. You can keep massaging me.

-Okay. -No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no...

This isn't good for me.

-What isn't? -If Nieves sees him sitting there.

He'll look like a director.

It's like a subliminal message. It goes straight to the subconscious.

If Nieves is undecided and she sees him in there, we're screwed.

-I don't know, boss. -We can't lose the battle to propaganda.

Hm.

-You wanna wait with me? -Yeah.

-I'll sit next to you. -Wonderful.

-Can you shuffle over a little? -Uh, yeah.

A little bit more.

Oh...

-That's perfect. -Ah...

Mm.

-Has the director been announced? -She's meant to decide today.

-Would you prefer Chemi or Dámaso? -Not sure.

It's like choosing between a 10-year-old for a boss or Satan.

I think I'd prefer the kid.

I need your help! I have a major problem.

What's the matter?

This is Óscar.

This is Juan.

I'm meeting Óscar on Thursday and Juan on the 28th.

But it's Thursday the 28th.

You print and bind Tinder profiles?

What do I do? What should I cancel?

I think either of them could be my future husband.

-Just meet one today and one tomorrow. -But which one today?

What if I lose the one I cancel forever, or he can't do tomorrow?

Or I fall in love with the one today? I'm stressing out.

-Óscar seems nice. -Juan looks like he fucks like an animal.

Juan lives eight kilometers away. Óscar, 12.

Here are their bios and some more photos, their Spotify favorites.

And at the end, I've put our chats.

Juan's funnier.

Óscar's grammar's better. Juan's is awful.

-I have an embalming to do. -And I have omelettes to make.

I'll email you both a copy!

Are you kidding? Dad would have wanted the oak one.

How would you know? You never went to see him.

-I saw him way more than you did. -Yeah, so he could babysit for you.

You're one to talk. He walked your dog every day.

-It was good for him. -Every day.

-Yeah, that's right. -The white poplar one?

-Hm? Good. Good. -Mm-hmm.

Now we just need to decide between cremation and burial.

-Burial. -Cremation. He wanted to be cremated.

What? He wanted to be buried.

-He wanted his ashes in the river. -He hated the river! He wanted a grave!

-He wanted to be cremated, trust me! -Put "burial."

-"Cremation." -No.

-Burial. -Look at me.

-Put down "cremation." -Listen to me. He doesn't know.

-You're just plain wrong. -Wrong?

PLEASE DO NOT URINATE ON THE FLOOR THANK YOU

-Good morning. -Hello.

What's up, embalming expert?

Oh...

Did you just mop? Can I...?

You can go in.

-Chemi, how is your aim? -Good, but I don't own a gun.

-With your penis. -Huh?

How's your aim when you pee?

Yeah, I'd say I have pretty good aim.

Well, someone doesn't. Every single day.

Somebody leaves a puddle, and I want to know who it is.

Huh... An unsolved mystery.

I love this kind of thing. Leave it to me.

Chemi Poirot and the mystery of the urinal.

Okay, find out who this pig is.

Hey, uh, Nieves, are you appointing a director?

Oh, that's today, isn't it?

-Yeah. Good old Dámaso is waiting for you. -Okay.

I'll be there once I've...

Solomon.

-Solomon...? -King Solomon.

-You didn't take religion in school? -I took ethics.

Ah...

King Solomon had to decide between two women

who claimed to have mothered the same baby.

-He proposed they cut the baby in half. -Hm.

So Solomon was a sadist?

One of the women refused, so he decided she should have it.

Mm-hmm.

Suggest cremating half the body and burying the rest.

-One will back down. -I side with whoever backs down?

-The other one. -Then it's not the same.

Morales, cases with two declarants are delicate.

-We can't take sides. -Hmm.

Propose an untenable Solomonic solution, and let them figure it out.

-Good morning. -Mrs. Nieves! Morning!

Out!

You're looking radiant today.

Oh!

-Where are you going? -Oh!

I took an hour off for a doctor's appointment.

What's wrong?

I'm seeing the fortune teller to help me decide between Óscar and Juan.

I'm not about to side with management,

but I don't think the union agreement covers visits to witches.

Well, you can take it for the podiatrist.

What's more important, a bunion or your future?

Bunions can have complications!

So can the future!

Two days ago, I was thinking Chemi to cheer him up about José Luis.

He seems all right to me.

Then yesterday I thought, "Dámaso has more experience."

You're totally right.

Well, 20 years or so.

And today, I'm not sure. I can't make up my mind.

Just pick one of us at random. You'll get it right.

No, not at random.

I'd consider the objective details.

Training in the sector, uh, years of experience...

Visionary character.

I don't think that's relevant.

Should we let our colleagues vote on it?

No, Mrs. Nieves, it needs to be your decision.

Consider the points that I've just made and, uh, name someone.

All right.

I've decided.

I'm going to go with the visionary character

whose work in marketing...

Wait, wait, wait.

You still haven't said a name,

and it's not clear which way you're leaning.

But I think maybe letting our colleagues vote would be more democratic.

Yeah, uh, I think that sounds great.

That settles it. We'll meet at the end of the day.

We'll present our proposals and let our colleagues decide.

-Sound okay, Mrs. Nieves? -All right.

I really like both of them, Juan and Óscar.

So I need your opinion as a fortune teller.

And as a woman, if you'd like to give it.

They'd both make good fathers for my children,

but it's one or the other.

I'm not a polygamist or a Mormon.

Your future is not with Óscar.

-Is it with Juan? -Neither of them.

Right... I'll show you my other matches. There's a firefighter.

The cards are clear.

You won't find the love of your life on Tinder, because you already know him.

-Really? -You see him every day.

Uh... Half the body would be buried,

and the other half would be cremated.

Are you suggesting we cut up our father?

Cut him in half?

What do you think?

Okay.

Uh... you sure?

Yeah.

I'm okay with it.

I'm just not sure if we can.

But you just offered to do it.

Yeah.

I've been trying to find you.

-I should put a bell on you like a cat. -They said yes to the Solomon thing.

Okay, this is more important. The director will be chosen by you guys.

Oh, me and the declarants?

-The staff, for God's sake. The staff. -Oh.

Who do you think they'll choose? They'll choose me, right?

Mm-hmm.

You need to do some legwork for me. I want you in every huddle.

If there are two huddles, I want you in both.

Boss, they don't talk in front of me, 'cause you always say I'm your appendage.

You can't even do that.

Look, I need to know where the votes stand and who's undecided.

Mm. Okay, and what about the deceased? Hmm?

Pilate.

-Pilate? -I wash my hands of this.

-I don't know who to vote for. -I'm voting for Chemi. He's my roommate.

No one would fire someone they share a toothbrush with.

You don't have your own toothbrush?

His is electric. I change the head.

I choose Dámaso. Chemi smiles too much. I don't trust the happy.

What are they hiding?

You won't believe this. We have to vote for the new director.

No, you won't believe this.

The fortune teller said the love of my life

is someone I know, that I see them every day.

And the thing is, it makes sense.

He liked me, and there was almost something there.

But I don't know. Do you see us together?

I don't believe that stuff, but I think he's a decent guy.

-I always thought you'd make a good match. -You're right.

We at least have to give it a try, don't we?

You're going to tell him now?

No, I'll send him a voice note. I'm too shy to do it in person.

Sounds good.

Hi! Listen, I went to see Rosario today...

Cool, girl. I've gotta bring a wreath in later on.

Nieves!

-What is it? -Come in. Close the door.

I think we're closing in on the piddler.

-The mystery should be solved today. -Who have you ruled out?

Ah, Nino.

You see?

Not one drop. Nino's in the clear.

You set up a camera?

A spy camera. Full HD. €19.90 on AliExpress.

I don't think you should record people at the urinal.

But it's on mute, and you only see them from behind.

But what if he turns around before zipping up and we see his...

-Mm. -No, go and take it down.

Well, the other option I had was giving the men a marksmanship test.

I'll take them out to the yard, line them all up,

they'll each be given a bucket...

For now, just take down the camera.

All right, all right.

-Have you listened to the voice note? -What voice note?

Didn't you get a voice note from Olivia?

Huh.

Maybe she decided to tell you in person.

Tell me what?

All right, I'll tell you so you throw up and get it out of the way.

Olivia wants a relationship with you.

She didn't suddenly fall in love.

That money-grubbing medium read her cards...

Pass me a tissue?

I still think you'd make a good couple.

It doesn't show anything, but Nieves wants to play it safe.

And it was your idea and you put it up?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, Chemi, I don't know how to tell you this.

With a nice big smile?

This is sexual harassment.

What do you mean?

You put a camera in the bathroom without consent

so you could see your colleagues' private parts.

It's kind of shady, isn't it?

But... it was just Nino, and I'm heterosexual.

I won't get into the legality because I'm not qualified,

but maybe you should withdraw your bid for director.

-Over this? -Vanesa was fired for sexual harassment.

Do we want another harasser?

I just wanted to know who wasn't peeing straight.

I believe you, Chemi.

But how's anyone to know that's what it's for

and not so you can masturbate to it in your office?

Well, hey, come on...

Your call. I'm not your Jiminy Cricket. Good luck with the election.

Hey, you messed up the form.

You put cremation and burial.

Yeah, yeah, it's both. I was gonna tell you.

What do you mean, both? Hm? Are we burying the ashes?

No, I mean... We have to cut them in half, below the navel.

And then we bury half and cremate the rest.

Is this a joke?

Morales, you can't carve up a deceased like a steak.

His children couldn't agree, and Dámaso said to offer them this.

I'm not cutting anyone in half.

TORREGROSA FUNERAL HOME

-Anselmo. -What?

I know you're voting for me as director, and I need to ask you...

How would you know who I'm voting for?

-You don't like Chemi. -I don't like you.

But he's worse.

Go on.

Listen, I need you to...

Hey, can we stop walking in circles? We look like prisoners in Alcalá Meco.

No.

Okay.

I need you to find out who everyone's voting for and who's undecided.

And in return, I could offer you, uh...

How does €150 sound?

Huh? Say that again.

-One hundred and fifty. -Sounds cheap.

-Hello. -Hi.

Did you see if the kid was peeing straight?

No.

What do you think?

Should we activate the harassment protocol?

Look, you can't put a camera in the bathroom.

But you already took it down, and you can only see his back.

Just when I was climbing out of my drug-fueled hell...

Chemi, it's not that big a deal.

Dámaso thinks I should withdraw my bid for director.

-Because he's the other candidate. -No, I won't hear it, Manuela.

He's a good person.

Fine, well, as a harassment officer who has done two courses,

I can say you didn't commit harassment by filming someone's back.

-Are you sure? -Absolutely.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, I really want to be director.

And I'm not gonna masturbate to that video.

Let's just leave it at that.

You after a sausage for Ashes?

No, I got him some chicken breast.

Hey, who are you voting for?

I'm undecided.

Un-de...

"Laia" is that with a "Y" or an "I"?

Boss. Boss.

Anselmo is much better at polling than you.

Uh... Manuela thinks it's crazy to cut the deceased in half.

It is. But it's your crazy idea.

You're still new. They'll get over it.

I told her it was your idea.

-How could you sell me out like that? -I know. It just slipped out.

But... What...? I can't be tied to that stupidity before the election.

Tell her you got it wrong, that it was Chemi's idea.

A marketing strategy.

I don't think she'll buy it.

-Where are the declarants? -They're finishing the eulogy.

Come on, hurry up.

So she definitely said that you and I...?

She saw it in the cards.

I have complete faith in Rosario.

-But... -Are you scared of falling in love?

No, it's just, I'm dating two girls.

One I really like.

And the other has a great ass.

But I'm your destiny, Antonio.

Destiny beats a great ass.

Psst... Psst!

-Olivia hasn't said anything. -No?

I can't stop thinking... about her. I bought her shoes on AliExpress.

Why buy her shoes?

I'd have bought a ring, but I don't know her size.

Where are you going?

To get an electric scalpel, like they use in amputations.

It cauterizes while...

-You're going to cut up the deceased? -That's what they asked for.

-You can say no. That's what I did. -I mean, I kind of want to.

-To cut a body in half? -To break up the routine.

Fuck, Abel, I can't believe you.

No.

-Shit. -What?

BOTANIC FLORISTS

I'm sorry. I thought she meant you.

Oh.

Do you feel anything?

-We have to trust Rosario. -What are we doing this weekend?

If you agree to it, we'll give you a 20% discount.

You gonna back down?

-No. -Then neither will I.

No one's backing down. All right. I'll take this coin. We'll flip for it.

And we'll discount it 30%. Who wants heads?

No way. The legs will be cremated, and the torso buried, like we said.

No. The legs will be buried.

Are you kidding?

I'm not going to the cemetery to bring flowers to calves.

You didn't visit.

-You can have legs. -The important stuff's the head.

-What do you care? You want to burn him. -Because he wanted his ashes in the river!

-He hated the river! -He hated fucking cemeteries!

Heads burial, tails cremation? Huh? Okay.

Oops! Sorry, sorry.

Sorry. Sorry about that.

WHY DO I ASK FOR YOUR VOTE?

How's the future director?

Come in, Nino.

Please take a seat.

I want to apologize.

To me? Why?

I filmed you peeing.

Huh?

I was investigating something,

and I filmed you from behind. But you can't see anything.

You're apologizing for this?

Manuela says it's not sexual harassment and I don't have to resign, but...

I wanted to ask you how you feel,

in case you want compensation or something.

Honestly, I do feel violated.

Oh, God...

I'm not sure I can use a public bathroom without feeling I'm being watched.

Of course, re-victimization.

I'm not going to report it,

but I think the company should offer me compensation for the trauma...

Well, not the company. It's not the company's fault.

-Meh. -But...

maybe I could provide you with private compensation.

Or... or would you feel bought?

No, not at all. I'd appreciate that as the victim.

Okay, so, uh... How... should we go about this?

Should I make a transfer, or...? How much?

Mm, not sure.

Open your banking app, and we'll have a look.

-Okay. -Uh-huh.

Let's see.

You have three guaranteed votes. Mine, your intern's, and Abel.

And Carmen's delegated her vote to me.

-Who's the dumbass have? -The dumbass has got...

How are you, darling? Miss me already?

The dumbass has Nino and Manuela.

And Nieves, she was gonna vote for him.

I win four-three.

These are the undecided, Olivia and Laia.

I only need one.

They've settled on cremation.

For both parts.

I mean, as a whole. You don't need to cut him up.

And you've told Abel, right?

No. No, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no!

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

No!

-What do you want? -You haven't started?

-You don't need to cut him, okay? -Okay.

You all right?

Perfectly fine.

Okay...

Uh... Don't cut him up, okay?

Bye, Abel.

Look at that. What great service.

You do excellent work, Laia.

I consider you a pillar in the future of this business.

-So you're after my vote? -No, no. Not at all.

I just wanted to know what I could do to make your life easier

if I were in charge. That's all.

Morales, we did it. I'm gonna be director.

Laia's gonna vote for you?

It was easy.

I just told her if I win

that you'll help her do the dishes and clean up each day.

But... but if you're director, I'll be the lead salesman.

-I'll have more responsibility... -Morales, I don't want any buts.

This is great news, damn it.

Come on. You and I are going out to celebrate.

Does your mother have plans?

-Why should you get the couch? -You're getting the TV.

-It was a gift from me. -But I'm the one who tuned the channels.

My God, you are shameless.

-Don't you remember? -Are you even hearing yourself?

-That's the argument you're going with? -Of course.

-You've got a hell of a lot of nerve. -Answer me. Did you pay for the TV?

-Is everyone here? -Not Carmen.

-She's still on leave. -She's delegated her vote.

Let's start.

You'll each have a chance to speak, but keep it brief.

It's the end of the day.

Then we'll all vote by show of hands.

-Who's first? -Should we do rock, paper, scissors?

No, there's no need.

-Come on. Rock, paper, scissors. -paper, scissors.

Ugh. You go first.

Oh...

Esteemed colleagues, with the benefit of my years of experience,

I believe that together, we can make this business an industry leader.

-Through effective management... -I'm dating Antonio.

-Thanks for your advice. -That's great.

...by up to 20% annually.

Growth within this sector can increase exponentially.

With every wake, the bereaved who attend are potential customers.

My goal, being realistic, over the next ten years is to reach...

Excuse me. Excuse me, Dámaso.

-The... -Can I say something?

It's my turn.

Dámaso has a vision for the future.

His proposal is sustainable and responsible.

In contrast, mine is more of a short-term challenge.

I want to leave my mark.

-So I don't think we really need to vote. -You're withdrawing?

No, even better. I have a proposition.

I'll run the company short-term.

And once I've revolutionized the sector,

I'll pass the reins to Dámaso, who can run it till he retires.

That sounds good to me.

We might as well take a vote...

No, I like Chemi's idea. Everyone wins.

-But I... -You're all dismissed.

Chemi.

How long do you think it'll take to leave your mark, if you had to guess?

Well, that depends. It could be five days or three years.

I mean, that's a pretty big window, wouldn't you say?

Well, leaving your mark isn't an exact science.

Okay, see you tomorrow.

My deepest condolences. Not your first loss, is it?