All language subtitles for Police.Squad.S01E03.

MALE NARRATOR: Police Squad! In color.

Starring Leslie Nielsen.

Also starring Alan North.

(GUNS FIRING)

(SCREAMING)

And Rex Hamilton
as Abraham Lincoln.

(GUN FIRING)

Tonight's special guest star,
Robert Goulet.

MAN: Ready, aim, fire!

(GUN FIRES)
Ow!

Tonight's episode,
A Bird in the Hand.

# (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Kingsley,

mind if I dance
with my daughter?

Of course not,
Mr. Burton.

You know, Terri, this song is
awfully difficult to dance to.

Let's get them to
play something else.

Fellas, could you play
something different?

ALL: # Happy birthday to you #

# Happy birthday to you #

# Happy birthday, dear Terri #

# Happy birthday to you #

Make a wish.

Cake, everyone?

Terri.

Can I talk to you in private?

Of course.

Uh, let's go out
in the Japanese garden.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

What is it, Kingsley?

I just wanted to ask you,

have you made up your mind
about marrying me yet?

I need more time.

But you said you'd give me
an answer by tonight.

I'm not ready to give you
an answer.

I love you, Terri.

And I love you, too, Kingsley.

(SCREAMING)

My name is
Sergeant Frank Drebin,

Detective Lieutenant,
Police Squad,

a special division
of the police department.

There had been a recent wave
of murders at the city zoo.

I was bringing in a suspect

when I got a call
from headquarters

about the kidnapping
of Terri Burton.

I headed for the Burton mansion.

Good evening.

Evening. Is this
808 Garboniforus Road?

Maple Street?
Yes, sir, it is.

I'm from Police Squad.

I'd like to see Captain Hocken.

Of course,
Lieutenant, uh, Flebner.

Uh, Drebin.
Do come in.

Her name is Terri Burton.

Excuse me.

Frank, I'm glad you're here.

DREBIN: What do you got, Ed?
Uh, nothing so far.

Nobody's seen or heard anything.

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

Is there a ransom note?

Yes, the butler found it.

It was tied to this window and
thrown into the rock garden.

I sent the note to the lab.

They're demanding $1 million.

Why would the lab
demand a million dollars?

The kidnappers made
the demand, Frank.

Oh.

Uh, if you don't mind, Ed,

I'd like to see
the scene of the abduction.

Sure, right here.

MAN: The Abduction.
Scene one, take three.

And I love you, too, Kingsley.

(SCREAMING)

Who's the guy?

His name's Kingsley Addison,
Terri's boyfriend.

I sent him home, Frank.
He had a nasty bump on the head.

Would you like to meet the
parents of the kidnapped girl?

Of course.

Oh, Frank, the pate's exquisite.

Excuse me,
Mr. and Mrs. Burton,

Lieutenant Drebin.
Mr. Drebin.

The feeling is mutual.

I know this is trying,
but we've got to ask you a few questions.

(PHONE RINGING)
By all means.

Could you tell me,
did your daughter receive any threats

on her safety recently?
No, she didn't.

This whole thing came
as a total shock to us.

Hello.

(MAN MUMBLING)

It's the kidnappers.

Please,
let me speak to my daughter.

All right, relax.
Keep calm.

Norberg, get a tap to the phone.

Yes, sir.
What'll I do?

Keep the kidnapper on the phone

so we can trace the call.
Go ahead.

Where is my daughter?
Is she all right?

Okay. I understand.

No, no, please, don't hang up!

Oh, oh, please,
don't hurt my daughter.

I love her so much.

Terri is safe, isn't she?

No, don't hang up.
Please don't hang up.

Oh, is it cold where you are?

(MAN MUMBLING)

It's warm here.

Oh, uh, who do you think will win
the NBA Pacific Division this year?

Who do I think?
Oh, I go with LA.

Oh, they need a little
deeper bench,

but they have a really
strong, solid starting five.

No, wait!

Well, uh, oh...

If a train leaves New York

traveling 120 miles an hour

and another train
leaves Pittsburgh

driving 115 miles per hour,

(NORBERG HAMMERING PHONE) what train do
you suppose will arrive in Chicago first?

(MAN MUMBLING)

That's right.

Uh, wait, uh...

Why do ducks and geese
fly south for the winter?

(LAUGHS) Because it
takes too long to walk.

(DIAL TONE DRONING)
Hello?

Hello?

He hung up.

It was a tough question.

Norberg, did you get the
tap on the phone? Yes,

but the kidnapper wasn't on
long enough to get a trace.

Oh, and Mrs. Burton,

what time did
the first train leave?

(CRYING)

DREBIN: Just relax.
Everything's going to be all right.

Mrs. Burton,
what did he say?

"Just relax.
Everything's going to be all right."

No, the kidnapper.

He said he'll call us soon with
instructions for the money drop

and if we don't do what he
says, he'll kill Terri.

(SOBBING)

Lieutenant Drebin, what do I do?

Well, as I understand it,

you're in the textile business.

I mean, I don't want
the police involved in this.

Now, we've all got to work
together to capture this kidnapper.

I'll pay whatever ransom is
necessary to get Terri back.

No, that'd be giving in to them.

These people are
emotionally unstable.

Had a case like this, similar.

The kidnappers cut
the victim's ear off

(EXCLAIMING) and sent
it to the family.

So you see,
you've got to let us help you.

Not the whole ear, of course.
Just a piece of it.

(CRYING)

And when this whole
thing blows over,

we'll return Terri's ear,
if she's still alive.

(CRYING)

She's taking it hard.
Yeah.

We'd better go, Frank.

We'll leave
Officer Norberg here.

If you need anything,
just ask him.

We'll be in touch.

After we go,
I want you to nose around.

And keep an eye out for the ear.

Yes, sir.

Don't you worry,
Mrs. Burton.

If Terri's ear comes,
I'll handle it.

(WAILING)

DREBIN: The next day,
I decided to talk

with the one witness to the
kidnapping, Kingsley Addison.

Kingsley played basketball
every afternoon

at the Shorwood
High School playground.

I'd talk to him there.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

MAN 1: Over here!
MAN 2: Come on!

MAN 2: Come on, give it up,
give it up, come on!

MAN 1: Now, now!

(ALL CHATTERING)

Uh, Kingsley Addison?
Yeah.

I'm Lieutenant Drebin, Police Squad.
What do you want?

Well, I'd like to ask you
a few questions.

About last night? That's right.
What happened?

Well, I remember
Terri was grabbed.

Then I got hit.
Uh-huh.

That's all I remember.
Honest. Uh-huh.

Well, I understand you and
Terri were gonna get married.

Yeah, I wanted to marry her.
She, uh,

just hadn't quite made up
her mind yet, that's all.

Well, it doesn't sound to me

like you were very sure
Terri was gonna say yes.

(ALL CHEERING)

(MEN CHATTERING)

Terri comes from
a large amount of money.

Do you think you make enough

to keep her in the lifestyle
she's accustomed to?

Of course. I have a job.

Well, I've done
a little checking on that.

You owe a lot of money
to a lot of people.

You need more than a job.

You think I'd marry Terri
for her money?

I didn't say that.

All right!

(ALL WHOOPING)

DREBIN: It was too early to dismiss
Kingsley as the primary suspect.

He needed money.

An earlier check indicated
he was often seen socially

with Joe Cooke and other
members of the Freddy Segal mob.

By marrying Terri,
he would come into a fortune,

cementing his relationship
with the elite

and forever ensuring
a most luxurious lifestyle.

I was en route to Police Squad,

when I got a call from dispatch.

There was a new wrinkle.

The kidnapper had contacted
the Burton family

with some additional
information.

When I arrived at
the Burton mansion,

Norberg and my boss
were already on the scene.

HOCKEN: Frank,
I'm glad to see you.

What do you got, Ed?

I want you to give this
a listen.

This came in the mail.

TERRI: Mommy, Daddy.
Please do what he wants.

Give him the money.
I'm scared! I wanna...

MAN: That's enough. Further
instructions on the size of the ransom

and where to deliver it
will follow.

Oh, my baby.

(SOBBING)
My poor baby.

Well, what do you think?

Seems to be a little too much wow
and flutter from the right speaker.

You know, Frank,

we don't even have the spot
for the ransom drop yet.

(CHARLOTTE EXCLAIMING)

(GASPS)

All right, buddy, talk.

Talk!

He can't, Frank.
Can't you see? He's a mime.

Huh?

All right, what do you got?

What's this?
It's charades, Frank.

Oh, great!
What's the teams?

HOCKEN: Five words.

Finger.
First word.

Good, Captain.

DREBIN: (STAMMERING) Uh,
you're getting on something?

A shirt!
A car.

DREBIN: Uh, woman, woman!
Woman!

Uh, a bust.
Sounds like bust. A bus!

Bus!
Of course.

DREBIN: (STAMMERING) You're
driving around in the bus.

You're going around on the bus.
You're looking...

You... You...
You're going somewhere! To Iowa!

DREBIN: (STAMMERING) You're
in the bus and you're...

HOCKEN: You're parking the bus.
It's a song title.

Theme from A Summer Place.

(STAMMERING) You're driving around
and you're looking for a place,

(STUTTERING)
in a... In the...

In a bus... bus depot, depot!

NORBERG: Uh, a drink?

A protein shake!
Thirsty.

Thirst.

Thirst. You're tired.

You say it's nighttime.
You're going to sleep.

You're in bed.
Your hand is shaking. Alarm.

The alarm is...
You're waking up!

In a hotel room.
No. In a motel room.

No, no, I got it!
In your aunt's house.

You're waking up in the morning.
In the morning.

ALL: Day. Day!

HOCKEN: Thirst day.
Thursday.

Thirst day.
Thursday.

Thirst... Thursday.

Thursday at the bus depot.

At 10:00.
We win!

We did it, Captain!

Not now, Norberg.

We better get our ears
to the grindstone.

We don't have too much time.
Right.

DREBIN: The kidnappers finally contacted the
Burtons with specific ransom instructions.

Our only hope of finding Terri
before the deadline

was to get some clues
from the physical evidence.

I decided to return
to Police Squad

to see what the lab boys
had turned up.

So you see, Billy,

this experiment will prove
the Earth's gravity

exerts the same pulling
force on any object,

no matter what size or weight.

Gee! Let me show
you what I've done.

The bowling ball
weighs 10 pounds.

(PULLEY SQUEAKING)

Your next door neighbor,
Dr. Maurice Shoenbaum, weighs 175 pounds.

Are you ready,
Dr. Shoenbaum?

Now, Billy, I'll set this timer

to drop the bowling ball and
Dr. Shoenbaum in one minute

so that we can watch
from a safe distance.

Oh, hi, Frank.

Why don't you run
along now, Billy,

and next week we'll discuss

10 things you can do
with a carrot.

Great.
Bye, Mr. Olson.

What'd you come up with, Ted?

I've been analyzing that
voice tape of Terri Burton.

I've managed to
isolate her voice

from the noises
in the background.

(COMPUTER BEEPING)

Listen.

TERRI: Mommy, Daddy,
please do what he wants.

Give him the money.
I'm scared. I wanna...

MAN: That's enough.

What do you make of it?

Of course, I can't be
absolutely certain about this,

but it sounds like
a bell and a foghorn.

(SHOENBAUM SCREAMING)

(CRASHING)

The kind of sound you'd
associate with the ocean.

Or the lakefront.

Could be.

How's it going, Frank?
Just came from the lab.

They come up with anything?
No, nothing definite.

Olson's come up
with a couple of clues

that might indicate where
Terri Burton is being held.

He's isolated the sound of
a foghorn and a ringing buoy

on the ransom tape.

We're gonna have to scour
the entire waterfront.

What about your end?

Well, Warner Burton is trying
to raise the ransom money.

But putting together a million
dollars in small bills,

that's a mean feat, Frank.

Let me tell you something else.

The hoodlums who trade
in this kind of terror

really make my skin crawl.

You think you're
gonna arrest me, don't you?

Well, you're not!

'Cause I got the gun now.

And I'm gonna kill all of you,

one by one.

OFFICER: Nice work, Frank.

What?
Al?

I want you to throw a dragnet

around the entire
lakefront district.

Call Tactical, have them send
you a few more backup units.

Right away, sir.

By the way, Al,
you're out of uniform again.

Regulation headgear only.
You know that.

Sorry, Captain.

You know, Frank,

the fate of Terri Burton rests

on our finding a foghorn,

a ringing buoy
and one scared girl.

ALL: One, two, three...

DREBIN: Now, police
investigation involves

meticulous attention to detail

and tireless attention
to every clue

and the path to which it leads.

The sound of a buoy
or foghorn on the ransom tape

led me to the lakefront,
where interviews

with several locals
proved unsuccessful.

We were working
against a deadline,

and with each passing minute,
Terri's destiny became more precarious.

I had arrived at Police Squad

when Warner Burton arrived.

Captain Hocken,
Lieutenant Drebin.

Did you raise the ransom money?

I have it right here.
Good.

I'm getting nervous, Lieutenant.

Time is running out
for my little girl.

I've got to know.
Where is she? Where is she?

Gesundheit.
Everything is fine, Mr. Burton.

Here, sit down, sit down.

Relax. Coffee?

Yes, I know.

Well, now, Mr. Burton, we have men
combing the entire lakefront area.

If your daughter's close,
we'll find her.

The lakefront! My God!

Do you know how
big that area is?

My daughter's
a needle in a haystack!

That's not true.

I've seen a picture of her.
She's very attractive.

Maybe a little thin.

But don't you worry.
We've got everything under control.

Mr. Burton, we have men
working around the clock

trying to locate your daughter.

DREBIN: Warner Burton's
fears were real.

Time was running out for Terri.

Ed and I drove around for
hours for no particular reason.

We came up empty.

(BELL DINGS)

Fill her up.

(BELL DINGS)

Hey, Ed?
Huh?

You hear that?
What?

The ring. Oh,
that's just the gas station hose.

No, no, no.

Sounds like the bell
on Terri's tape.

You mean, we've been looking
in the wrong place?

Exactly.

Then what's the foghorn?

Don't think foghorn.
You still got that tape

that Norberg gave you for Christmas?
Yeah.

It's in the glove compartment.

# (TUBA PLAYING)

That's not a foghorn.
That's a tuba.

Right.

Come on, Ed.
We got a job to do.

We're gonna have to check every tuba
rental, sales and repair shop in town

that's close
to a filling station.

That's gonna be
a mighty tall order, Frank.

This city is the tuba capital
of the world.

I know, Ed.
It's the only chance we got.

Ed, you find anything?
No, nothing.

Frank, we've been
through hundreds of these.

Acme Tuba, Tuba World,
Tubas Are Us...

Can you take a phone call,
Captain?

Not now, Al!

International House of Tubas,

Tuba or Not Tuba,

Tuba Legation.

Ah, we've come to a dead end,
Frank.

I thought sure we'd come
up with something by now.

You're too hard on yourself, Ed.

We've only got an hour
to rescue Terri.

You'd better check
your sources, Frank.

Find out what
the word on the street is.

Frankly, I think
that's our only chance.

Johnny?

Now, I need some information
and I need it fast.

You mean about this
kidnapped girl, Terri Burton?

What do you know about tuba
stores located near gas stations?

Nothing.

But they just opened up
a new tuba club

and that's near a gas station.

Where is it?

It's called
the El Tubadero Club.

It's near Fifth and National.

Thanks, Johnny.

It's my pitching, Johnny.

Do you think I need
another starter?

How should I know?

The rigors of a full season

on a four man rotation
are just too demanding.

You need a left-handed swing man

to fill your long relief spot.

Give him an occasional start

and it'll round out
your staff nicely.

You're talking about a guy like
Gossage, aren't you, Johnny?

Oh, come on, Tommy,
use your head!

Gossage is right-handed
and besides,

he can't throw
more than two innings.

Here's the names
of five southpaws

with career ERA's under 2.93.

And you wouldn't
have been in this mess

if you hadn't
given up Tommy John.

(EXCLAIMING)

This is the police.

Put your gun down and surrender.

(GUN FIRING)

(TERRI SCREAMING)

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

He's holding the girl hostage.

I'm going over there, Frank,
and try to get behind him.

Cover me.

Come down with your hands up.

You'll never take me alive.

Oh, you wanna
play it tough, huh?

Well, two can play at that game.

(SCREAMS)

All right.

Get up!

Oh.

Oh, thank you!
Thank you!

You saved my life!

It's all right.
It's all right now.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

TERRI: Thames!

Why?

Because I needed the money.

HOCKEN: Frank,

the black and white is here.

HOCKEN: Thank you,
Commissioner,

but I can't take all the credit.

The entire Police Squad
was in on this one.

Right.

Well, Frank,
it's been a good day.

We got a confession
out of old zoo breath.

What? Oh.

(LAUGHING)
Good.

I was just going over
the arraignment report.

It looks like the butler Thames

will be doing his serving from now
on up in the Stateville Prison.

Along with Martin, Dutch
Gunderson, Lana and Sally Decker.

Frank, when will people
learn that crime doesn't pay?

Well, I suppose
if they do learn,

we'll be out of a job.

MALE NARRATOR: Be sure to tune in
next week for another exciting story

from the files of Police Squad!