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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:16,125 --> 00:00:17,833 Yep, check, check. Yep. 2 00:00:19,375 --> 00:00:21,095 - Thank you. - Sorry about the leaky pipes. 3 00:00:21,167 --> 00:00:22,833 It shouldn't affect the interview at all. 4 00:00:22,917 --> 00:00:24,476 You good with sound and everything on that? 5 00:00:24,500 --> 00:00:25,792 We'll take it out in post. 6 00:00:27,458 --> 00:00:30,250 Uh, that's just plumbing, 'cause it's not even raining outside. 7 00:00:30,458 --> 00:00:32,708 Sorry. 8 00:00:32,917 --> 00:00:35,500 Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns. 9 00:00:35,583 --> 00:00:37,042 I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis, 10 00:00:37,125 --> 00:00:38,833 and today my guest is... 11 00:00:39,583 --> 00:00:40,625 Matthew... 12 00:00:40,792 --> 00:00:41,917 McConnach... 13 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:43,000 McCannoway. 14 00:00:43,958 --> 00:00:45,208 Matthew McConnarr... 15 00:00:46,208 --> 00:00:48,167 Matthew McConnagee. McConaughey. 16 00:00:49,625 --> 00:00:50,750 Good to be here, Zach. 17 00:00:51,083 --> 00:00:53,708 All right, all right, all right. 18 00:00:55,375 --> 00:00:58,375 Sorry, I was just reading the box office returns for your last three movies. 19 00:01:00,292 --> 00:01:01,333 All right. 20 00:01:01,958 --> 00:01:02,958 All right. 21 00:01:03,250 --> 00:01:04,490 I guess that one was all right. 22 00:01:06,083 --> 00:01:07,875 I notice that you're wearing a shirt. 23 00:01:08,417 --> 00:01:09,417 Is everything okay? 24 00:01:10,917 --> 00:01:11,917 You fucking kidding me? 25 00:01:12,542 --> 00:01:14,333 Of all the things you can win an Oscar for, 26 00:01:14,417 --> 00:01:16,875 how surprised are you that you won one for acting? 27 00:01:17,625 --> 00:01:18,500 Here we go. 28 00:01:18,583 --> 00:01:20,625 But so did that guy from Thirty Seconds To Mars. 29 00:01:21,292 --> 00:01:22,292 So, um... 30 00:01:22,375 --> 00:01:23,583 how proud can you really be? 31 00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:24,542 How much time do we have? 32 00:01:24,625 --> 00:01:27,059 I'm out of here in about 15 minutes, so whatever. Do something. 33 00:01:27,083 --> 00:01:27,958 What do you have to do? 34 00:01:28,042 --> 00:01:30,667 Go drive around in a Lincoln convertible, shirtless? 35 00:01:30,750 --> 00:01:31,750 Yeah. 36 00:01:33,333 --> 00:01:35,583 Your dad died while having sex with your mom, 37 00:01:35,667 --> 00:01:37,917 and you've said that you want to go out the same way. 38 00:01:38,542 --> 00:01:40,422 You and your mom need to set up some boundaries. 39 00:01:40,458 --> 00:01:41,518 - No, it's not true. - I wasn't... 40 00:01:41,542 --> 00:01:43,018 - Next question. - It wasn't supposed to be funny. 41 00:01:43,042 --> 00:01:45,122 - It's just a rumor that I heard. - Yeah, I hear you. 42 00:01:45,417 --> 00:01:48,042 Who do you think will accidentally starve himself to death first, 43 00:01:48,125 --> 00:01:49,292 you or Christian Bale? 44 00:01:50,625 --> 00:01:52,458 You lost so much weight for that movie, 45 00:01:52,917 --> 00:01:55,458 I thought you might die from fake AIDS. 46 00:01:55,542 --> 00:01:57,250 I've got three kids, I got a wife. 47 00:01:57,333 --> 00:01:58,333 What have you got? 48 00:01:58,958 --> 00:01:59,958 Besides two ferns? 49 00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:05,375 At least you're watering them, I see. 50 00:02:06,542 --> 00:02:07,875 Yeah, and again, I'm sorry. 51 00:02:07,958 --> 00:02:09,838 - We'll fix it in the edit. - Doesn't bother me. 52 00:02:11,917 --> 00:02:13,250 I'm so... I'm so sorry. 53 00:02:13,458 --> 00:02:14,542 Can I just, uh... 54 00:02:15,792 --> 00:02:17,792 see what's going on with these pipes? 55 00:02:21,083 --> 00:02:22,083 I got a lighter. 56 00:02:25,375 --> 00:02:26,583 Dude, don't do that. 57 00:02:31,208 --> 00:02:32,208 Help! 58 00:02:35,542 --> 00:02:36,750 A little help here? 59 00:02:43,167 --> 00:02:44,167 I can't get out! 60 00:02:45,875 --> 00:02:49,083 Who was the idiot that installed the sprinkler system? 61 00:02:49,708 --> 00:02:52,667 - What's the way out, Zach? - I don't know, Matthew! 62 00:02:52,750 --> 00:02:54,042 Well, where did we come in from? 63 00:02:54,125 --> 00:02:57,125 I don't recall, Matthew, I'm a little... stressed! 64 00:03:00,333 --> 00:03:02,583 Well, they turned the sprinklers off. 65 00:03:40,042 --> 00:03:41,417 And... action. 66 00:03:41,583 --> 00:03:42,583 Hello, 67 00:03:42,833 --> 00:03:44,750 and welcome to Behind Two Ferns, 68 00:03:45,083 --> 00:03:46,958 the story of Between Two Ferns, 69 00:03:47,292 --> 00:03:49,083 a special feature-length documentary 70 00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:52,250 providing an inside glimpse at my award-losing talk show. 71 00:03:52,750 --> 00:03:54,042 I'm Zach Galifianakis. 72 00:03:54,375 --> 00:03:56,000 We're here in Flinch, North Carolina, 73 00:03:56,208 --> 00:03:58,458 where I've taped my show for over ten years. 74 00:03:59,042 --> 00:04:00,458 Not only do I host the show, 75 00:04:00,708 --> 00:04:02,167 but I will be your tour guide 76 00:04:02,417 --> 00:04:04,208 throughout your cinematic experience. 77 00:04:04,667 --> 00:04:07,625 Who knows, maybe the movie will even be in 3D? 78 00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:11,042 Little trivia about my show, 79 00:04:11,500 --> 00:04:13,625 I originally wanted to call it Betwixt Two Ferns, 80 00:04:13,708 --> 00:04:15,792 but I thought that was too highbrow for the public. 81 00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:21,125 Our journey begins here, like most classic tales, 82 00:04:21,208 --> 00:04:24,042 with our hero opening a door into adventure. 83 00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:27,708 And... cut. 84 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,167 Great, that was the best one. 85 00:04:30,208 --> 00:04:31,393 Twenty-one takes is good for you? 86 00:04:31,417 --> 00:04:33,518 Twenty-one takes? That's really, really good for me, yep. 87 00:04:33,542 --> 00:04:34,458 We can move on? 88 00:04:34,542 --> 00:04:36,782 - Yeah, let's move on, that was perfect. - Okay, move on! 89 00:04:37,875 --> 00:04:40,833 I grew up here in the small town of Flinch, North Carolina, 90 00:04:41,917 --> 00:04:43,708 and ever since I was a kid, I... 91 00:04:43,792 --> 00:04:47,458 dreamed of being a big network TV personality. 92 00:04:53,375 --> 00:04:56,375 But things haven't worked out exactly as planned. 93 00:04:56,833 --> 00:04:59,125 From Flinch, North Carolina, 94 00:04:59,208 --> 00:05:01,833 it's Flinch Public Access Television! 95 00:05:02,250 --> 00:05:06,000 Anybody watching this show has the ability to make a piñata. 96 00:05:06,125 --> 00:05:08,184 - You're lying. You didn't say that. - The lifeblood of America. 97 00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:10,101 - You told me it was about waste water. - I don't lie. 98 00:05:10,125 --> 00:05:12,792 I have no idea what I'd do without you. 99 00:05:12,875 --> 00:05:15,792 Think about soccer, you don't even use your hands. 100 00:05:16,542 --> 00:05:18,208 That's what makes us human. 101 00:05:18,625 --> 00:05:19,917 Didn't like that card. 102 00:05:20,667 --> 00:05:21,867 Didn't like that card, either. 103 00:05:21,917 --> 00:05:23,417 Where do you keep your Oscar? 104 00:05:23,792 --> 00:05:24,792 I mean your, uh... 105 00:05:24,833 --> 00:05:26,500 Blockbuster Entertainment Award? 106 00:05:31,417 --> 00:05:33,250 We are here, at, uh... 107 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:35,458 Flinch Public Access Television, 108 00:05:35,542 --> 00:05:37,417 FPAT-V, for short. 109 00:05:37,500 --> 00:05:40,083 What's great about public access 110 00:05:40,167 --> 00:05:41,417 is the feel of community. 111 00:05:41,500 --> 00:05:43,208 Here comes the tornado. 112 00:05:44,625 --> 00:05:46,542 Anybody's voice can be heard here. 113 00:05:46,625 --> 00:05:48,125 Top that, motherfucker. 114 00:05:49,250 --> 00:05:52,417 This is where I've been taping my shows for over a decade now. 115 00:05:53,667 --> 00:05:54,750 - Hi. - Hi! 116 00:05:54,958 --> 00:05:55,958 I'm, uh... 117 00:05:56,292 --> 00:06:00,292 Keanu Reeves and I'm here for Between Two Ferns. 118 00:06:00,375 --> 00:06:01,708 Oh, yeah. 119 00:06:05,417 --> 00:06:06,737 Hi, my name is Zach Galifianakis. 120 00:06:06,792 --> 00:06:07,952 Welcome to another edition... 121 00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:09,750 of Between Two Ferns. 122 00:06:09,833 --> 00:06:12,083 Uh, my guest today is Keanu Reeves. 123 00:06:12,958 --> 00:06:15,292 - Thank you for being here. - Thanks for having me here. 124 00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:18,333 You have a big scar, I hear, from a motorcycle accident? 125 00:06:18,417 --> 00:06:19,708 Yeah, I do, yeah. 126 00:06:20,083 --> 00:06:21,083 Is it... Where is it? 127 00:06:21,125 --> 00:06:22,684 - Just goes from here to here. - Big one? 128 00:06:22,708 --> 00:06:24,101 - God, that big? - Yeah, it's about... 129 00:06:24,125 --> 00:06:27,083 I have a similar scar on my... on my leg. 130 00:06:27,333 --> 00:06:28,333 From what? 131 00:06:28,542 --> 00:06:30,167 Walked out of the movie Lake House. 132 00:06:30,542 --> 00:06:32,833 Bumped into the seat in front of me. 133 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,375 On a scale of one to 100, 134 00:06:36,458 --> 00:06:37,750 how many words do you know? 135 00:06:38,750 --> 00:06:39,875 One to 100? 136 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,583 Like, do you know 50 words? 137 00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:43,000 Do you know 75 words? 138 00:06:43,333 --> 00:06:44,667 Do you know 18 words? 139 00:06:46,375 --> 00:06:47,375 Is it frustrating, uh... 140 00:06:47,458 --> 00:06:49,792 to have people think of you as a complete bozo? 141 00:06:50,042 --> 00:06:51,542 When the truth is that you're just... 142 00:06:51,958 --> 00:06:53,792 a man with below average intelligence? 143 00:06:54,958 --> 00:06:55,958 Just do... 144 00:06:56,208 --> 00:06:57,417 one for yes, and then... 145 00:06:58,792 --> 00:06:59,792 two for no. 146 00:07:00,333 --> 00:07:01,750 Do you research your roles? 147 00:07:02,167 --> 00:07:03,167 Yeah. 148 00:07:03,375 --> 00:07:06,667 Have you ever considered researching a character that has taken acting classes? 149 00:07:07,625 --> 00:07:09,458 Right now I'm acting like this is fun. 150 00:07:10,750 --> 00:07:11,833 How am I doing? 151 00:07:13,167 --> 00:07:14,292 It's a good show. 152 00:07:14,375 --> 00:07:17,125 Right now, it's the seventh-ranked show in, uh... 153 00:07:17,750 --> 00:07:20,958 southeastern North Carolina's public access television market. 154 00:07:22,167 --> 00:07:23,500 I mean, do I have other dreams? 155 00:07:23,625 --> 00:07:25,792 I've always wanted to jet ski to Alaska. 156 00:07:27,250 --> 00:07:29,375 But, ultimately, in life, I'd like to have my own 157 00:07:30,125 --> 00:07:31,167 late night talk show. 158 00:07:32,875 --> 00:07:34,125 But this, for now, 159 00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:35,500 what I have now... 160 00:07:37,333 --> 00:07:38,333 this will do. 161 00:07:42,083 --> 00:07:43,083 Who's on cocaine? 162 00:07:43,292 --> 00:07:45,542 I'm sorry, I thought someone said someone's on cocaine, 163 00:07:45,625 --> 00:07:47,792 and I was like, "Who's on cocaine?" 164 00:07:48,333 --> 00:07:49,333 'Cause it's not me. 165 00:07:50,583 --> 00:07:52,625 You ready? Let's do it. 166 00:07:52,792 --> 00:07:55,417 Okay. So, how did you stumble across Zach? 167 00:07:55,792 --> 00:07:58,167 When I, uh, first saw some... 168 00:07:58,708 --> 00:08:00,292 footage of... 169 00:08:01,583 --> 00:08:04,333 this fat idiot, Zach Galifianakis, 170 00:08:04,417 --> 00:08:08,167 I thought... I thought it was a practical joke. 171 00:08:08,250 --> 00:08:10,417 I don't know if you wanna get a tight shot of that? 172 00:08:10,917 --> 00:08:13,750 America's Dumbest Television Hosts. 173 00:08:15,125 --> 00:08:18,250 And, uh, I saw him on this tape and he was so... 174 00:08:18,333 --> 00:08:19,417 He was such an idiot, 175 00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:21,125 and he was so dumb, 176 00:08:21,625 --> 00:08:22,958 and so fat. 177 00:08:23,333 --> 00:08:25,250 So, uh, without asking, 178 00:08:25,958 --> 00:08:28,875 I uploaded it to my website, Funny Or Die, 179 00:08:29,667 --> 00:08:30,667 and, uh... 180 00:08:30,917 --> 00:08:31,917 All the clicks. 181 00:08:32,375 --> 00:08:34,375 Over 500 trillion and counting. 182 00:08:34,708 --> 00:08:36,042 And those clicks... 183 00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:38,792 equals more green, 184 00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:40,667 which equals more white, 185 00:08:41,750 --> 00:08:43,083 Which equals more... 186 00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:45,792 purple. 187 00:08:47,125 --> 00:08:48,417 That's me putting on a big, 188 00:08:49,292 --> 00:08:50,583 purple feather boa. 189 00:08:52,167 --> 00:08:54,007 Yeah, so, I signed him to an exclusive contract 190 00:08:54,083 --> 00:08:55,292 and, you know, 191 00:08:55,875 --> 00:08:58,625 started forcing my Hollywood friends to be interviewed by him. 192 00:08:59,125 --> 00:09:01,833 Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns. 193 00:09:01,917 --> 00:09:03,583 Uh, my guest today is... 194 00:09:04,250 --> 00:09:05,250 Chance the Rapper. 195 00:09:06,167 --> 00:09:07,000 Hi. 196 00:09:07,083 --> 00:09:08,958 You're an actor, a rapper, an activist. 197 00:09:09,042 --> 00:09:10,625 Why aren't you also an astronaut? 198 00:09:11,375 --> 00:09:14,417 Uh... I don't know. I'm not very, uh... 199 00:09:15,708 --> 00:09:18,167 - like, I don't come from, uh... - Space. 200 00:09:19,208 --> 00:09:20,042 Yep. 201 00:09:20,125 --> 00:09:22,500 If your parents had not named you Chance the Rapper, 202 00:09:22,583 --> 00:09:24,743 do you think you would have pursued a different career? 203 00:09:25,208 --> 00:09:27,167 My parents didn't name me Chance the Rapper. 204 00:09:27,250 --> 00:09:28,333 That's a stage name. 205 00:09:28,417 --> 00:09:29,417 Any siblings? 206 00:09:29,792 --> 00:09:31,167 I have one brother, yeah. 207 00:09:31,250 --> 00:09:32,333 What's he do for a living? 208 00:09:32,417 --> 00:09:33,417 He's a rapper too. 209 00:09:33,792 --> 00:09:34,667 What is his name? 210 00:09:34,750 --> 00:09:36,208 Community Chest the Rapper? 211 00:09:37,417 --> 00:09:38,792 Uh, no. 212 00:09:39,625 --> 00:09:41,167 You're friends with Kanye West. 213 00:09:43,292 --> 00:09:44,292 That's the joke. 214 00:09:45,750 --> 00:09:47,042 I don't like that joke. 215 00:09:48,125 --> 00:09:49,583 Will you just give these a chance? 216 00:09:49,667 --> 00:09:50,667 They're fine. 217 00:09:51,292 --> 00:09:52,375 This is good stuff. 218 00:09:52,792 --> 00:09:54,625 Stop fucking playing with me right now. 219 00:09:55,250 --> 00:09:57,458 So, it seems like you have a lot of responsibility here. 220 00:09:57,833 --> 00:10:00,417 I do. The show carries a lot of responsibility, 221 00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:02,083 - but, you know... - Oh, my God. 222 00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:03,875 I'm surrounded by a really good team. 223 00:10:03,958 --> 00:10:05,500 My office is right this way. 224 00:10:06,833 --> 00:10:09,625 Got a great view of everybody, I can kinda keep an eye on things. 225 00:10:13,167 --> 00:10:15,958 I feel sorry for people who use laptops. 226 00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:17,458 They don't get that exercise. 227 00:10:18,083 --> 00:10:19,125 I'm Carol. 228 00:10:19,208 --> 00:10:22,667 I am Zach's right-hand woman, yeah. 229 00:10:23,125 --> 00:10:24,542 He cares about his job. 230 00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:26,625 He's very creative. 231 00:10:26,708 --> 00:10:27,542 He's very clever. 232 00:10:27,625 --> 00:10:29,917 So, I do a lot of things for him, he's very busy, and... 233 00:10:30,458 --> 00:10:33,292 um, he just needs somebody to take care of all the details, 234 00:10:33,375 --> 00:10:34,875 and I'm happy to do it. 235 00:10:35,458 --> 00:10:37,250 Sometimes words are overwhelming for him. 236 00:10:37,333 --> 00:10:39,226 He needs to just kind of break it up a little bit. 237 00:10:39,250 --> 00:10:42,458 Zach likes me to cut out all the big top stories of the day from the newspaper. 238 00:10:42,708 --> 00:10:45,018 Just throw them in the trash so he can just look at the pictures. 239 00:10:45,042 --> 00:10:46,351 I've written down lists of things 240 00:10:46,375 --> 00:10:48,309 that I wanted him to make sure he remembered, and... 241 00:10:48,333 --> 00:10:49,958 his brain just doesn't work that way. 242 00:10:50,042 --> 00:10:50,875 He needs it to be drawn. 243 00:10:50,958 --> 00:10:52,708 So, it'll just be a picture of him, 244 00:10:53,083 --> 00:10:54,083 in bed, 245 00:10:54,125 --> 00:10:56,167 and every step, from removing the covers, 246 00:10:56,250 --> 00:10:57,667 standing up, walking... 247 00:10:57,750 --> 00:10:58,875 And then after that, 248 00:10:59,208 --> 00:11:00,333 that's you in the car. 249 00:11:00,917 --> 00:11:01,833 When I leave? 250 00:11:01,917 --> 00:11:02,917 Yeah. 251 00:11:03,333 --> 00:11:04,625 - Hey. - Hi. 252 00:11:04,750 --> 00:11:06,875 Zach also has me run personal errands for him. 253 00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:09,125 For instance, he has very sensitive skin, 254 00:11:09,208 --> 00:11:12,083 and he needs to wear panty liners to protect his private area. 255 00:11:13,458 --> 00:11:14,792 I call her the Getter. 256 00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:16,333 She gets it. 257 00:11:16,417 --> 00:11:17,958 She gets me and she gets... 258 00:11:18,708 --> 00:11:19,542 guest, 259 00:11:19,625 --> 00:11:22,625 and she gets... she gets things for me. 260 00:11:22,708 --> 00:11:23,875 So I call her the Getter. 261 00:11:24,583 --> 00:11:25,583 And, uh... 262 00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:27,083 she's wonderful. 263 00:11:27,167 --> 00:11:29,417 So, Zach has a thing called "fernspection," 264 00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:32,917 where he wants to make sure that the ferns are just so, 265 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,542 and they have to be exactly the same in every episode. 266 00:11:35,625 --> 00:11:37,167 He likes that continuity. 267 00:11:37,708 --> 00:11:39,375 Green as ever. They look great. 268 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:44,167 Moisture's nice. Good. 269 00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:48,958 Ow. 270 00:11:49,708 --> 00:11:51,958 - Why do they look so different? - I don't... 271 00:11:55,042 --> 00:11:57,375 I don't know how to take care of these. Keep killing them. 272 00:11:58,292 --> 00:12:00,012 I just buy new ones whenever we have a show. 273 00:12:03,333 --> 00:12:05,333 Is the width off to you? No, that's right. 274 00:12:05,542 --> 00:12:06,375 Looks good. 275 00:12:06,458 --> 00:12:08,458 That's exactly what it was last time. 276 00:12:12,042 --> 00:12:13,125 What's the readout? 277 00:12:13,208 --> 00:12:14,351 - I have one. - Whoa. No, no, no. 278 00:12:14,375 --> 00:12:15,375 It says one. 279 00:12:15,750 --> 00:12:16,875 I gotta say... 280 00:12:17,417 --> 00:12:19,875 it's hard to believe I've used the same ferns all these years. 281 00:12:20,583 --> 00:12:22,333 - Okay. So, yeah, we all set? - Yeah. 282 00:12:22,750 --> 00:12:23,870 - I'll see you later. - Okay. 283 00:12:24,083 --> 00:12:25,667 Good work. Really good work. 284 00:12:27,083 --> 00:12:28,723 Hey, Chuck, I wanted to talk you about... 285 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,917 So, I've heard people call you by your nickname. 286 00:12:33,417 --> 00:12:34,625 Can you explain what it means? 287 00:12:34,792 --> 00:12:37,708 I'm nicknamed Cam because it's short for Cameron. 288 00:12:37,917 --> 00:12:40,167 A lot of people say, like, "No, you're nicknamed Cam 289 00:12:40,250 --> 00:12:43,083 because now you work with cameras," but that's not true. 290 00:12:43,167 --> 00:12:44,958 I'm probably one of the top, 291 00:12:45,417 --> 00:12:47,250 you know, 50... 292 00:12:48,333 --> 00:12:50,500 probably top 50 cameramen you can find. 293 00:12:50,750 --> 00:12:52,292 I'm not crazy about him. 294 00:12:52,875 --> 00:12:55,250 His attitude is... sloppy. 295 00:12:55,750 --> 00:12:57,542 I asked for an ecu of the button. 296 00:12:58,917 --> 00:13:00,167 You know? And I... 297 00:13:00,292 --> 00:13:01,583 I didn't see your camera move. 298 00:13:01,667 --> 00:13:02,708 An ECU? 299 00:13:02,958 --> 00:13:04,125 Zach is... 300 00:13:04,667 --> 00:13:07,333 and I'll say this the nicest way I know how, 301 00:13:07,542 --> 00:13:09,292 he is an absolute piece of shit, 302 00:13:09,792 --> 00:13:11,250 garbage rat, loser, 303 00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:12,625 uh, donkey. 304 00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:14,750 He's the biggest piece of shit I've met in my life 305 00:13:14,833 --> 00:13:16,792 and I've met some big pieces of shit. 306 00:13:17,958 --> 00:13:19,583 In life and in a toilet. 307 00:13:20,083 --> 00:13:22,125 I have a really good time, and I like Zach. 308 00:13:22,250 --> 00:13:24,000 I think he's... I think he's sweet. 309 00:13:24,375 --> 00:13:26,976 You didn't come to Cecil's birthday party. You know, Cecil, the janitor? 310 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:27,875 She's good. 311 00:13:27,958 --> 00:13:29,167 I like her enthusiasm. 312 00:13:29,292 --> 00:13:30,417 A little annoying. 313 00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:32,375 We didn't have cupcakes, 'cause he's vegan now. 314 00:13:32,458 --> 00:13:33,658 Did you know that, he's vegan? 315 00:13:33,875 --> 00:13:36,917 - No, I didn't. - Yeah, so I got like plums and persimmons. 316 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,125 It's fine, I mean... 317 00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:41,417 That woman fucking annoys the shit out of me. 318 00:13:42,042 --> 00:13:44,750 So there's a lot of celebrities passing through the studio, right? 319 00:13:44,833 --> 00:13:46,458 Oh, yeah, tons and tons. Like, everybody. 320 00:13:46,542 --> 00:13:48,875 I feel like there's nobody who hasn't been through here. 321 00:13:48,958 --> 00:13:50,768 Thank you so much for doing this pre-interview. 322 00:13:50,792 --> 00:13:52,708 - Yeah. - So, I heard you have a funny story. 323 00:13:52,792 --> 00:13:53,792 We'd love to hear it. 324 00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:56,625 Oh, yeah, so, basically, I got home late from work 325 00:13:56,708 --> 00:13:58,500 and I was really tired and I parked... 326 00:13:58,583 --> 00:14:00,125 Maybe ask her what race she is. 327 00:14:00,875 --> 00:14:02,917 I'm not sure how that's relevant here. 328 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,667 Okay, is there something, like, light you wanna talk about, 329 00:14:05,750 --> 00:14:06,958 that's, like, something funny? 330 00:14:07,042 --> 00:14:08,393 I think you kind of... It's not... 331 00:14:08,417 --> 00:14:09,708 It doesn't have to be like that. 332 00:14:09,875 --> 00:14:12,667 Yeah, like a flippant story about being half black, half white 333 00:14:12,750 --> 00:14:13,750 or something like that. 334 00:14:14,750 --> 00:14:15,792 Hi, I'm Zach. 335 00:14:15,875 --> 00:14:18,500 - Hey, Adam, from Parks and Recreation. - Oh, God. 336 00:14:18,917 --> 00:14:20,125 That is refreshing to hear. 337 00:14:20,625 --> 00:14:24,083 I'm so used to interviewing dumb actors with their dumb actor lifestyles and stuff 338 00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:25,887 so it's nice to interview real people and... 339 00:14:25,917 --> 00:14:28,583 Sorry, the TV show Parks and Recreation. 340 00:14:30,250 --> 00:14:32,542 Okay. Let's get you miked up. 341 00:14:33,125 --> 00:14:34,125 Great. 342 00:14:34,292 --> 00:14:35,875 What temperature was it in there? 343 00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:38,198 - It's hard for me to concentrate... - You like swimming? 344 00:14:39,208 --> 00:14:40,208 Yeah? 345 00:14:40,542 --> 00:14:42,375 I got a lot of bathing suits in my car. 346 00:14:42,458 --> 00:14:44,833 Turning down a celebrity 347 00:14:45,167 --> 00:14:49,000 is maybe the greatest joy a person can have. 348 00:14:49,083 --> 00:14:50,083 Can I get a plum? 349 00:14:50,125 --> 00:14:51,958 Yes, of course. How are you? 350 00:14:52,042 --> 00:14:53,417 Not gonna happen, champ. 351 00:14:57,417 --> 00:14:58,875 Zach, he's always around, 352 00:14:58,958 --> 00:15:01,333 he pretends that he needs to be here all the time. 353 00:15:01,542 --> 00:15:03,333 He keeps taking stuff from the shelf. 354 00:15:03,417 --> 00:15:04,958 I know he does. 355 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:07,667 My name is Shirl Clarts, 356 00:15:07,750 --> 00:15:09,875 S-H-I-R-L C-L-A-R-T-S. 357 00:15:10,667 --> 00:15:12,917 - And what do you do here? - I'm the station manager. 358 00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,292 I run this whole deal. 359 00:15:14,375 --> 00:15:16,125 You know what a lion is? 360 00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:18,458 A lion is a strong animal. 361 00:15:18,958 --> 00:15:21,167 They do what the fuck they wanna do. 362 00:15:21,333 --> 00:15:24,833 Take what they want, eat what they want, they run when they feel like it. 363 00:15:24,917 --> 00:15:26,125 Lion. 364 00:15:26,417 --> 00:15:28,250 And then Bobby... 365 00:15:29,583 --> 00:15:31,083 is the assistant manager, 366 00:15:31,167 --> 00:15:32,958 and he's worked here for a long time, too. 367 00:15:33,042 --> 00:15:34,042 Put me on speaker. 368 00:15:34,708 --> 00:15:35,792 Put me on speaker. 369 00:15:36,875 --> 00:15:37,875 Put me on speaker now. 370 00:15:38,958 --> 00:15:40,875 - Should I come back? - Diane! 371 00:15:42,292 --> 00:15:43,417 Hey, Diane! 372 00:15:44,042 --> 00:15:45,042 Am I on speaker? 373 00:15:45,917 --> 00:15:47,250 - I'll come back. - No, come in. 374 00:15:47,667 --> 00:15:48,667 Am I on speaker? 375 00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:50,500 All right, good. 376 00:15:50,667 --> 00:15:51,500 Love you, bye. 377 00:15:51,583 --> 00:15:52,417 Come in. 378 00:15:52,583 --> 00:15:53,583 What's up? 379 00:15:54,250 --> 00:15:56,833 Did you take my Hamburger Helper boxes out of the break room? 380 00:15:56,917 --> 00:15:59,417 - What if I did? - I want my Hamburger Helper boxes back! 381 00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:00,934 All right. I'll just write a check for you. 382 00:16:00,958 --> 00:16:02,750 They're, like, $1.15 each. 383 00:16:02,833 --> 00:16:03,875 Well, there was two boxes. 384 00:16:03,958 --> 00:16:05,500 All right, so, 3.50? 385 00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:10,625 Hey! 386 00:16:11,458 --> 00:16:12,458 Where are you going? 387 00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:13,583 We're going home. 388 00:16:13,667 --> 00:16:15,583 No, you have to film at all times. 389 00:16:15,667 --> 00:16:18,125 If I say, "Cut," that means keep the camera rolling. 390 00:16:18,208 --> 00:16:20,042 If I say, "Get that camera out of my face," 391 00:16:20,625 --> 00:16:22,208 put that camera in my face. 392 00:16:22,750 --> 00:16:23,750 Okay? 393 00:16:23,958 --> 00:16:25,226 Let's do it again, from the top. 394 00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:27,143 You wanna do this conversation again from the top? 395 00:16:27,167 --> 00:16:30,042 Yeah, this is my life story. You ruined that scene of my life story. 396 00:16:31,042 --> 00:16:33,083 So did you, by the way. Let's take it from the top. 397 00:16:36,417 --> 00:16:37,708 Where are you going? 398 00:16:37,792 --> 00:16:39,167 I'm going home. 399 00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,918 - That's bad acting. Bad acting. - I don't buy it. 400 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,250 Welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns. 401 00:16:45,333 --> 00:16:46,792 I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis, 402 00:16:46,875 --> 00:16:49,125 and my guest today is... 403 00:16:49,792 --> 00:16:50,792 Brie Larson. 404 00:16:51,292 --> 00:16:52,292 Thank you, Brie. 405 00:16:53,208 --> 00:16:54,500 You won Best Actress. 406 00:16:54,583 --> 00:16:57,750 Have you ever thought of aiming higher and trying to win Best Actor? 407 00:16:59,583 --> 00:17:00,583 Um... 408 00:17:00,875 --> 00:17:02,500 - I... Yeah... - Good question. 409 00:17:02,583 --> 00:17:04,458 It is good. It's thought-provoking. 410 00:17:04,792 --> 00:17:07,042 Your superhero character is called Captain Marvel. 411 00:17:07,125 --> 00:17:08,125 Yes. 412 00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:10,500 Boy, they really have stopped trying, haven't they? 413 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,375 I mean, why don't they call it Captain Comic Book, 414 00:17:13,542 --> 00:17:15,917 or Captain We Can't Think Of Anything Else? 415 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,750 And what would your superhero name be? 416 00:17:17,833 --> 00:17:18,875 Cap'n Crunch? 417 00:17:20,708 --> 00:17:23,167 I read online that you're very private and decline to answer 418 00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:25,042 questions that make you feel uncomfortable. 419 00:17:25,125 --> 00:17:26,875 This is a two-parter. 420 00:17:26,958 --> 00:17:27,833 Is that true? 421 00:17:27,917 --> 00:17:30,208 And how old were you when you got your first period? 422 00:17:31,667 --> 00:17:35,292 His show's success is absolutely predicated on the fact 423 00:17:35,375 --> 00:17:37,333 that people are laughing at him, 424 00:17:37,583 --> 00:17:38,583 not with him. 425 00:17:39,583 --> 00:17:42,083 I think it's utterly fascinating 426 00:17:42,208 --> 00:17:44,958 that someone that grotesque 427 00:17:45,042 --> 00:17:47,417 can actually be watchable. 428 00:17:49,458 --> 00:17:50,458 Hmm. 429 00:17:52,583 --> 00:17:53,667 What is all this? 430 00:18:07,042 --> 00:18:08,042 Carol! 431 00:18:10,250 --> 00:18:11,958 - What's going on out here? - Huh? 432 00:18:12,417 --> 00:18:13,583 What is going on? 433 00:18:13,708 --> 00:18:15,167 Something's going on with the pipes. 434 00:18:15,708 --> 00:18:17,042 Yeah, no kidding. 435 00:18:17,125 --> 00:18:19,083 What we have here is the perfect storm. 436 00:18:19,167 --> 00:18:21,333 Old pipes, water line blockage. 437 00:18:21,750 --> 00:18:23,125 And, for some weird reason, 438 00:18:23,208 --> 00:18:24,792 someone shoved 439 00:18:24,875 --> 00:18:28,083 a whole bunch of shit-stained panty liners 440 00:18:28,292 --> 00:18:29,542 down your commodes. 441 00:18:29,625 --> 00:18:30,500 Come on, man! 442 00:18:30,583 --> 00:18:32,958 This blockage is so major, it could blow at any time. 443 00:18:33,042 --> 00:18:34,875 Whoever did this is gonna pay for it. 444 00:18:34,958 --> 00:18:36,458 Oh, disgusting! 445 00:18:36,542 --> 00:18:37,375 Oh, God! 446 00:18:37,458 --> 00:18:40,083 Zach, it's too noisy with the plumbing and the construction. 447 00:18:40,167 --> 00:18:41,559 We're not gonna be able to interview the guest... 448 00:18:41,583 --> 00:18:43,917 This whole place needs to be soundproof, okay? 449 00:18:44,083 --> 00:18:47,333 Every nook and cranny, Laura and Danny. 450 00:18:47,417 --> 00:18:50,167 I want everything peepless, okay? 451 00:18:50,250 --> 00:18:51,250 Just do it! 452 00:19:05,708 --> 00:19:07,167 I mean, I would, I just... 453 00:19:07,375 --> 00:19:09,333 I watch RuPaul's Drag Race with my roommate on... 454 00:19:09,417 --> 00:19:11,417 - You what? - I'm watching TV tonight, so... 455 00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:13,583 I would, but I can't tonight, sorry. 456 00:19:13,708 --> 00:19:15,000 But, thank you. 457 00:19:17,292 --> 00:19:19,458 - Hey, Matthew. Zach. - McConaughey, nice to meet you. 458 00:19:19,542 --> 00:19:21,542 - Nice to see you. - Thanks so much for joining us. 459 00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:36,125 The interview should be nice and easy. 460 00:19:36,208 --> 00:19:38,458 Thanks so much for... This'll be nice and short. 461 00:19:39,333 --> 00:19:40,333 Are you ready to start? 462 00:19:40,375 --> 00:19:42,000 You have a major leak in here. 463 00:19:42,375 --> 00:19:44,735 - Everything all right there? Okay. - No, everything's fine. 464 00:19:59,417 --> 00:20:00,917 Oh, my God. 465 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,917 Grab your smartphones! 466 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:03,875 Oh, God! 467 00:20:03,958 --> 00:20:05,198 Look out! Gotta get out of here. 468 00:20:13,875 --> 00:20:14,875 Oh, God! 469 00:20:15,208 --> 00:20:16,208 Oh, my God. 470 00:20:16,792 --> 00:20:17,792 Oh, no. 471 00:20:20,583 --> 00:20:22,667 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 472 00:20:25,125 --> 00:20:27,167 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 473 00:20:43,708 --> 00:20:44,708 My ferns! 474 00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:46,667 What happened? 475 00:20:46,750 --> 00:20:47,958 My glasses! 476 00:20:49,167 --> 00:20:50,292 Thank God I found you! 477 00:21:05,042 --> 00:21:06,042 Ah! 478 00:21:14,292 --> 00:21:16,167 I got a call from Will Ferrell this morning. 479 00:21:16,250 --> 00:21:17,375 He's very upset. 480 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,292 And he said to stand outside of this station 481 00:21:20,375 --> 00:21:22,292 and be outside at 3:00 p.m. 482 00:21:22,375 --> 00:21:23,375 Is it 3:00? 483 00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:35,617 ♪ On the scene, back again With the motherfucking grip ♪ 484 00:21:35,667 --> 00:21:38,500 ♪ '93 was the year P-Dog came rippin' shit ♪ 485 00:21:38,583 --> 00:21:40,583 ♪ Bouncing out the belly of the beast ♪ 486 00:21:40,667 --> 00:21:43,417 ♪ And still the same nigga That was hollerin' "Fuck peace!" ♪ 487 00:21:43,542 --> 00:21:45,375 ♪ But check it out It's the same old thing ♪ 488 00:21:45,458 --> 00:21:48,458 ♪ Cause now the year's '94 And ain't a damn thing changed ♪ 489 00:21:48,542 --> 00:21:50,375 ♪ Niggas still droppin' dead like flies ♪ 490 00:21:50,500 --> 00:21:52,708 ♪ And I'm still lookin' for a way To make us rise ♪ 491 00:21:52,833 --> 00:21:54,958 ♪ I emphasize that I still hate a devil ♪ 492 00:21:55,917 --> 00:21:56,750 You. 493 00:21:56,833 --> 00:21:57,833 Me. 494 00:21:58,458 --> 00:21:59,458 Inside. 495 00:22:03,458 --> 00:22:05,458 Hey, look at this, okay? 496 00:22:05,917 --> 00:22:07,333 These are my clicks. 497 00:22:07,417 --> 00:22:09,792 My website runs on clicks. 498 00:22:09,875 --> 00:22:11,083 Can you see that? 499 00:22:11,167 --> 00:22:12,375 It's a lot of clicks, Will. 500 00:22:12,458 --> 00:22:15,083 Or is the fat drooping off your eyebrows 501 00:22:15,250 --> 00:22:16,708 impairing your vision? 502 00:22:18,125 --> 00:22:20,417 Besides, you killed Matthew McConaughey. 503 00:22:21,292 --> 00:22:22,292 He's dead? 504 00:22:22,542 --> 00:22:25,958 Well, they administered CPR to him, and he... 505 00:22:26,583 --> 00:22:27,958 he's brought back to life. 506 00:22:28,042 --> 00:22:31,167 But... but yeah, he was, he was momentarily dead. 507 00:22:31,417 --> 00:22:32,833 You are a murderer. 508 00:22:32,917 --> 00:22:34,500 It was a temporary murder, if it was... 509 00:22:34,583 --> 00:22:35,833 It was not a murder! 510 00:22:35,917 --> 00:22:37,625 Fine. I'll keep your secret. 511 00:22:37,875 --> 00:22:39,292 Okay? But you owe me. 512 00:22:40,083 --> 00:22:41,083 Owe you what? 513 00:22:41,292 --> 00:22:44,000 Ten episodes of Between Two Ferns, all right? 514 00:22:44,333 --> 00:22:45,893 And I need them three weeks from today. 515 00:22:46,958 --> 00:22:49,375 No. Hold on, let's make this interesting. 516 00:22:50,708 --> 00:22:52,167 How about two weeks from today? 517 00:22:53,125 --> 00:22:53,958 9:00 a.m. 518 00:22:54,042 --> 00:22:55,958 How? I can't film here anymore. 519 00:22:56,042 --> 00:22:58,292 You're just going to have to go to the celebrities, 520 00:22:58,667 --> 00:23:00,125 wherever you can find them 521 00:23:00,333 --> 00:23:01,500 across the country. 522 00:23:01,583 --> 00:23:03,583 But what do I get in return, Mr. Ferrell? 523 00:23:03,667 --> 00:23:05,333 You'll be showered in... 524 00:23:05,958 --> 00:23:08,792 gold, and spices, and rare gems, 525 00:23:09,208 --> 00:23:10,667 rubies and emeralds. 526 00:23:10,750 --> 00:23:12,292 But I don't want that stuff. 527 00:23:12,583 --> 00:23:15,625 If money is not the treasure that you desire, 528 00:23:15,708 --> 00:23:17,250 then say it. 529 00:23:20,458 --> 00:23:21,958 What doth... 530 00:23:22,875 --> 00:23:23,875 thy... 531 00:23:24,875 --> 00:23:25,875 envision? 532 00:23:26,958 --> 00:23:28,375 I want my own network talk show. 533 00:23:29,042 --> 00:23:30,125 Five nights a week. 534 00:23:30,208 --> 00:23:32,333 With an "Applause" sign and an audience. 535 00:23:33,583 --> 00:23:35,792 I want people to laugh with me, 536 00:23:35,958 --> 00:23:36,958 not at me. 537 00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:39,708 Fulfill the contract, 538 00:23:41,417 --> 00:23:42,417 you got a deal. 539 00:23:42,667 --> 00:23:45,375 Ten of your dumb internet talk show 540 00:23:45,833 --> 00:23:48,583 and you give me a lifetime network talk show 541 00:23:48,667 --> 00:23:49,750 Lifetime? 542 00:23:49,833 --> 00:23:52,708 I'm a white man and I'm straight, I deserve it. 543 00:23:53,917 --> 00:23:57,000 Fine. Your own talk show on the Lifetime network. 544 00:23:58,208 --> 00:23:59,208 I'd take it. 545 00:23:59,958 --> 00:24:01,000 I'd just take it now. 546 00:24:01,833 --> 00:24:03,000 - Done. - Done. 547 00:24:09,792 --> 00:24:10,792 I don't... 548 00:24:11,292 --> 00:24:12,125 Please bow. 549 00:24:12,208 --> 00:24:13,208 Are you... 550 00:24:15,250 --> 00:24:16,083 I christen thee... 551 00:24:16,167 --> 00:24:17,458 This is not a thing you do. 552 00:24:18,375 --> 00:24:20,583 Worthy of the mantle that is FOD. 553 00:24:20,792 --> 00:24:23,917 Go on, young, pudgy Zach Galifianakis. 554 00:24:24,500 --> 00:24:27,167 Ride your imaginary steed 555 00:24:27,917 --> 00:24:30,000 through the hills and valleys 556 00:24:31,125 --> 00:24:32,292 of this country 557 00:24:32,750 --> 00:24:33,792 that we know 558 00:24:34,125 --> 00:24:35,958 as America. 559 00:24:58,667 --> 00:24:59,708 Let's go! 560 00:25:00,250 --> 00:25:01,750 Not in the front! Go around. 561 00:25:02,667 --> 00:25:04,625 Hey, watch it! 562 00:25:07,083 --> 00:25:10,500 Okay, guys, Mr. Will Ferrell has promised 563 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,000 all of us 564 00:25:13,667 --> 00:25:14,667 a new... 565 00:25:14,917 --> 00:25:17,625 night-time network talk show. 566 00:25:17,792 --> 00:25:20,083 Whoa, he wants us all to work on it? 567 00:25:20,167 --> 00:25:21,250 Will Ferrell said this? 568 00:25:21,333 --> 00:25:23,042 Yep, he asked for you all by name, 569 00:25:23,125 --> 00:25:25,292 and he decided to pay for our entire trip. 570 00:25:25,375 --> 00:25:27,958 So, let's go out and film some celebrities! 571 00:25:28,042 --> 00:25:28,958 Who? 572 00:25:29,042 --> 00:25:30,333 I'm not quite sure yet. 573 00:25:30,750 --> 00:25:32,917 - Carol's looking into that and as soon... - I am? 574 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:34,760 She didn't even know what we were doing here, 575 00:25:34,792 --> 00:25:36,072 she's not looking into anything! 576 00:25:36,125 --> 00:25:37,042 I'll start now. 577 00:25:37,125 --> 00:25:38,917 She's fully aware of what's going on, Cam. 578 00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:41,143 It's actually better that you don't know what's going on. 579 00:25:41,167 --> 00:25:44,625 Just point your camera and shut the fuck up. 580 00:25:45,417 --> 00:25:47,792 That's a nice thing to hear as you're getting kidnapped. 581 00:25:49,125 --> 00:25:50,583 And how long is this trip? 582 00:25:51,083 --> 00:25:53,500 The trip should take us just two... 583 00:25:53,750 --> 00:25:54,583 just two weeks. 584 00:25:54,667 --> 00:25:55,851 - Two weeks? - Wait, two weeks? 585 00:25:55,875 --> 00:25:59,333 To get to the big time, you gotta be a chance-taker. 586 00:25:59,417 --> 00:26:00,708 And I am a chance-taker. 587 00:26:00,792 --> 00:26:03,042 We're taking Between Two Ferns on the road! 588 00:26:03,458 --> 00:26:05,583 Oh! Hey, Zach? 589 00:26:06,083 --> 00:26:07,417 Think I found someone. 590 00:26:08,625 --> 00:26:10,145 - Oh, good! - They're three hours away. 591 00:26:10,583 --> 00:26:11,833 - No kidding? - Yep. 592 00:26:11,917 --> 00:26:12,917 Who is it? 593 00:26:21,625 --> 00:26:24,125 Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns. 594 00:26:24,208 --> 00:26:25,792 I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis. 595 00:26:26,583 --> 00:26:29,375 My guess today is Santa Claus with an eating disorder. 596 00:26:30,792 --> 00:26:31,625 You look good. 597 00:26:31,708 --> 00:26:32,792 Thanks, so do you. 598 00:26:32,917 --> 00:26:34,833 Did you just wake up from a 15-year nap? 599 00:26:36,333 --> 00:26:38,250 You look like Steve Jobs now. 600 00:26:39,333 --> 00:26:40,333 Okay. 601 00:26:40,792 --> 00:26:43,625 Your Netflix show is called My Next Guest Needs No Introduction. 602 00:26:43,875 --> 00:26:47,125 Wouldn't a better title be My Next Show Will Have No Viewers? 603 00:26:48,417 --> 00:26:50,625 Yeah, that... we considered that. 604 00:26:50,708 --> 00:26:52,042 And that didn't test well? 605 00:26:52,500 --> 00:26:53,917 Oh, I think it tested very well, 606 00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:55,667 but it hurt my feelings. 607 00:26:56,042 --> 00:26:57,833 Tell me about your long beard. 608 00:26:57,917 --> 00:26:59,667 Is that a Stupid Human Trick? 609 00:26:59,750 --> 00:27:02,208 Is it Between Two Ferns or Between the Ferns? 610 00:27:02,292 --> 00:27:03,500 Between Two Ferns. 611 00:27:03,583 --> 00:27:05,083 Yeah, but that's apparent. 612 00:27:05,167 --> 00:27:06,250 Your show was on late. 613 00:27:06,333 --> 00:27:08,833 Everybody knew it was late. It was dark outside. 614 00:27:08,917 --> 00:27:10,226 Why did they call it the Late Show 615 00:27:10,250 --> 00:27:11,559 - or whatever they call it? - Mmm. 616 00:27:11,583 --> 00:27:13,503 If you're going to get nitpicky with titles of... 617 00:27:13,542 --> 00:27:14,542 I'm just saying, 618 00:27:14,792 --> 00:27:16,000 Between the Ferns, yes. 619 00:27:16,083 --> 00:27:17,875 Between Two Ferns, oh! 620 00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:19,792 One day you might go crazy and add a third. 621 00:27:19,875 --> 00:27:21,208 Then what are you going to do? 622 00:27:22,667 --> 00:27:24,187 - I haven't thought about that. - Yeah. 623 00:27:24,625 --> 00:27:26,000 Plenty you haven't thought about. 624 00:27:27,208 --> 00:27:28,375 Your son's name is Harry. 625 00:27:28,458 --> 00:27:30,042 Did you name him after your face? 626 00:27:30,833 --> 00:27:33,250 Named him after my late father. 627 00:27:34,625 --> 00:27:35,750 How do you feel now? 628 00:27:35,917 --> 00:27:38,309 Well, I didn't know it was gonna go into a bummer story like that. 629 00:27:38,333 --> 00:27:39,167 No, I know. 630 00:27:39,250 --> 00:27:42,792 But you don't have the capacity for any sort of empathy or embarrassment. 631 00:27:43,250 --> 00:27:45,542 Can you take some constructive criticism? 632 00:27:47,083 --> 00:27:47,917 Yeah. 633 00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:49,458 People find you unpleasant. 634 00:27:50,167 --> 00:27:51,250 Mm. Thank you. 635 00:27:53,333 --> 00:27:55,167 You love fast cars. 636 00:27:55,542 --> 00:27:57,500 In what other ways is your penis small? 637 00:27:57,583 --> 00:27:59,792 Can I just say something about this? 638 00:28:00,208 --> 00:28:02,917 Not once has anyone discussed with me 639 00:28:03,250 --> 00:28:05,875 my penis, my size of my penis, 640 00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:07,542 my use of my penis, 641 00:28:07,917 --> 00:28:08,958 or my testicles. 642 00:28:09,042 --> 00:28:12,000 So, I'm just curious about the pathology behind this. 643 00:28:12,083 --> 00:28:13,083 Jesus Christ. 644 00:28:13,125 --> 00:28:14,125 What? 645 00:28:15,583 --> 00:28:16,583 What'd you say? 646 00:28:16,750 --> 00:28:18,083 I said, "Jesus Christ." 647 00:28:18,167 --> 00:28:20,792 Stop talk... Do not editorialize right now, please. 648 00:28:20,875 --> 00:28:24,208 It's hard not to let it out when it's such a stupid thing you said. 649 00:28:26,583 --> 00:28:28,934 It was a lot of fun, really. Seriously. Thank you very much. 650 00:28:28,958 --> 00:28:30,601 - Thank you. - I know you gotta run, so, thanks. 651 00:28:30,625 --> 00:28:32,500 Yeah, thank you. I just wanted to say that... 652 00:28:33,667 --> 00:28:36,000 you know, this has been a real inspiration to me... 653 00:28:36,083 --> 00:28:38,583 - 'cause I want my own talk show. - Good. Good. Great. 654 00:28:38,667 --> 00:28:41,827 Nightly talk show, 'cause I think that'll make me happy, like it made you happy. 655 00:28:43,667 --> 00:28:44,792 Yeah, I'm sure it will. 656 00:28:46,125 --> 00:28:47,208 Good luck on that. 657 00:28:48,042 --> 00:28:49,292 - Okay. - Make you happy! 658 00:28:49,375 --> 00:28:51,292 - Right? - Yeah! 659 00:28:51,708 --> 00:28:52,750 - Yeah. - Okay. 660 00:28:52,833 --> 00:28:53,667 All right. 661 00:28:53,792 --> 00:28:55,934 - Thank you very much for your time. - Which way do I go? 662 00:28:55,958 --> 00:28:57,333 Right up there, where the guy is. 663 00:28:58,500 --> 00:28:59,500 - Okay. Thank you. - Yeah. 664 00:28:59,750 --> 00:29:00,792 Okay. Bye-bye. 665 00:29:01,333 --> 00:29:02,542 Try to stay off the grass. 666 00:29:03,833 --> 00:29:05,893 - We're... in the grass. - Thank you. All right, bye-bye. 667 00:29:05,917 --> 00:29:07,583 Bye-bye. Take care. 668 00:29:09,125 --> 00:29:10,125 Whoa. 669 00:29:11,292 --> 00:29:12,833 - Hello. - What? 670 00:29:14,417 --> 00:29:15,417 What? 671 00:29:15,500 --> 00:29:17,458 Okay, what's going on? 672 00:29:17,708 --> 00:29:20,833 Are you gonna, like, make us all smoosh in one shitty little room? 673 00:29:20,917 --> 00:29:22,357 No, Cam, no one would room with you. 674 00:29:22,417 --> 00:29:23,417 Good afternoon. 675 00:29:23,708 --> 00:29:25,500 Four rooms, please. 676 00:29:26,750 --> 00:29:28,101 - Four rooms? - Four separate rooms. 677 00:29:28,125 --> 00:29:29,042 One... 678 00:29:29,125 --> 00:29:30,875 - We each getting our own room? - Two... 679 00:29:31,250 --> 00:29:32,125 three, and four. 680 00:29:32,208 --> 00:29:33,833 - We each get our own room! - Nice! 681 00:29:33,917 --> 00:29:34,917 That's nice. 682 00:29:35,750 --> 00:29:36,792 - Goodnight. - Night. 683 00:29:42,667 --> 00:29:43,667 God... 684 00:29:44,250 --> 00:29:45,250 Carol! 685 00:29:47,208 --> 00:29:49,393 Thanks so much for doing the show. What are you doing in town? 686 00:29:49,417 --> 00:29:51,500 Oh, I'm here working, uh, 687 00:29:52,042 --> 00:29:53,250 on my foundation. 688 00:29:53,333 --> 00:29:56,125 - What is it? - Bones For Kids. 689 00:29:56,208 --> 00:29:58,500 It's for kids that are born without bones. 690 00:29:58,583 --> 00:30:00,167 - God, that's terrible. - I know. 691 00:30:00,625 --> 00:30:01,625 How can I help? 692 00:30:01,708 --> 00:30:04,542 You probably could stand to donate some arm bones. 693 00:30:04,625 --> 00:30:06,025 You don't need all those arm bones. 694 00:30:06,500 --> 00:30:08,000 This one you can keep. 695 00:30:08,083 --> 00:30:09,542 This one you can keep. 696 00:30:09,625 --> 00:30:10,875 But, for some child, 697 00:30:11,167 --> 00:30:12,250 that's a shin. 698 00:30:12,625 --> 00:30:13,625 Hmm. 699 00:30:15,167 --> 00:30:16,750 It seems like a bogus, like... 700 00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:20,208 it's like a bogus charity thing, 701 00:30:20,292 --> 00:30:21,708 kids without boners... Bones! 702 00:30:21,833 --> 00:30:23,125 Without bones or something. 703 00:30:24,875 --> 00:30:26,555 Why were you putting a paper up to your... 704 00:30:26,792 --> 00:30:28,458 - I could totally hear you. - Quiet. 705 00:30:28,750 --> 00:30:31,875 Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns. 706 00:30:32,208 --> 00:30:33,375 My guest today 707 00:30:33,958 --> 00:30:34,958 is Paul Rudd. 708 00:30:35,042 --> 00:30:36,500 - Thank you, Paul. - Thank you. 709 00:30:37,542 --> 00:30:38,792 Some people have it all. 710 00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:40,625 Looks, talent. 711 00:30:41,708 --> 00:30:43,250 How does it feel to only have looks? 712 00:30:44,583 --> 00:30:45,583 Great. 713 00:30:45,625 --> 00:30:47,292 If you didn't look the way you do, 714 00:30:47,375 --> 00:30:49,559 instead of acting, what do you think you would be doing? 715 00:30:49,583 --> 00:30:50,583 Shoveling shit? 716 00:30:52,083 --> 00:30:53,403 I read that you might quit acting 717 00:30:53,458 --> 00:30:54,542 and just disappear? 718 00:30:55,708 --> 00:30:56,792 Where did you read that? 719 00:30:57,667 --> 00:30:59,167 Right here. I wrote it down. 720 00:31:00,667 --> 00:31:01,542 Which do you prefer, 721 00:31:01,625 --> 00:31:02,542 being in Marvel movies, 722 00:31:02,625 --> 00:31:04,917 or being in stuff that nobody has ever heard of? 723 00:31:06,458 --> 00:31:07,792 Uh, being in Marvel movies. 724 00:31:07,875 --> 00:31:09,458 Do you go to your acting coach and go, 725 00:31:09,542 --> 00:31:12,125 "I've gotta play a goddamn ant, what am I supposed to do?" 726 00:31:12,208 --> 00:31:13,708 You lost me at "acting coach." 727 00:31:14,167 --> 00:31:15,625 Yeah, that seems about right. 728 00:31:16,542 --> 00:31:18,333 What advice would you give to a young actor 729 00:31:18,417 --> 00:31:20,792 who wants to hide his Jewishness as well as you have? 730 00:31:20,875 --> 00:31:23,083 But I've never really tried to hide my Jewishness. 731 00:31:23,167 --> 00:31:26,083 "I've really never tried to hide my Jewishness." 732 00:31:26,667 --> 00:31:27,583 Yeah. 733 00:31:27,667 --> 00:31:29,958 Jesus was Jewish and he didn't hide it. 734 00:31:30,375 --> 00:31:33,292 No, he put it out there for everybody to see. 735 00:31:33,375 --> 00:31:35,208 He's one of our best. 736 00:31:35,292 --> 00:31:37,083 - Are you practicing? - No. 737 00:31:37,500 --> 00:31:38,833 I'm not a practicing Jew. 738 00:31:40,417 --> 00:31:41,500 I perfected it. 739 00:31:49,708 --> 00:31:50,833 - Zach? - Yeah? 740 00:31:51,708 --> 00:31:52,875 Some bad news. 741 00:31:54,000 --> 00:31:55,708 Jake Gyllenhaal had to cancel. 742 00:31:55,792 --> 00:31:56,792 Why? 743 00:31:56,833 --> 00:31:58,750 He spelled his name wrong on his plane ticket. 744 00:31:59,208 --> 00:32:00,208 What? 745 00:32:00,542 --> 00:32:01,667 It's too many As. 746 00:32:05,500 --> 00:32:07,708 - I don't know what to do. - Ah! Oh, my God! Zach! 747 00:32:07,833 --> 00:32:09,750 Look over there! That's Chrissy Teigen! 748 00:32:10,167 --> 00:32:11,417 She's a supermodel. 749 00:32:11,500 --> 00:32:12,500 How super? 750 00:32:12,750 --> 00:32:14,208 She's married to John Legend. 751 00:32:19,917 --> 00:32:21,333 Go talk to her. You have to. 752 00:32:21,417 --> 00:32:22,417 - I can't. - Get up! 753 00:32:23,875 --> 00:32:24,958 Go! Go! 754 00:32:25,625 --> 00:32:26,625 Okay. 755 00:32:30,750 --> 00:32:31,750 - Hi. - Hi. 756 00:32:32,792 --> 00:32:34,542 Another Brandy Alexander, please. 757 00:32:38,125 --> 00:32:40,250 - Hello. - Oh, my God, I know you! 758 00:32:40,333 --> 00:32:41,583 - You do? - Oh, my God. 759 00:32:41,667 --> 00:32:43,375 You are the Between Two Ferns guy. 760 00:32:43,458 --> 00:32:44,917 I love your show. 761 00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:46,000 You've seen my show? 762 00:32:46,292 --> 00:32:48,412 Yes, I've seen it, everybody's seen it. It's so funny. 763 00:32:48,833 --> 00:32:50,333 You are so... 764 00:32:50,750 --> 00:32:51,750 uncomfortable, 765 00:32:51,792 --> 00:32:53,583 and weird, and awkward, 766 00:32:53,667 --> 00:32:55,958 and all your guests, like, you can tell they hate it, 767 00:32:56,042 --> 00:32:57,122 - but they're there! - Yeah. 768 00:32:57,500 --> 00:33:00,000 - I love it. - Not really what I'm going for, but... 769 00:33:00,458 --> 00:33:02,250 - Sorry. - That's okay. 770 00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:05,375 Can I ask you a question? 771 00:33:05,458 --> 00:33:06,292 Shoot. 772 00:33:06,375 --> 00:33:07,875 How did you get started? 773 00:33:08,583 --> 00:33:10,667 How did you become... 774 00:33:10,750 --> 00:33:12,125 Everyone always asks me that, 775 00:33:12,250 --> 00:33:13,875 and it's actually a really funny story. 776 00:33:13,958 --> 00:33:15,625 So, it's 2003, 777 00:33:15,708 --> 00:33:18,417 this guy shows up at my door with this box, 778 00:33:18,500 --> 00:33:21,375 and there's this button inside, and he says, "If you push this button, 779 00:33:21,708 --> 00:33:23,792 - your greatest dream will come true... - Hmm. 780 00:33:23,875 --> 00:33:26,333 But somebody, somewhere, will die." 781 00:33:27,042 --> 00:33:28,625 And so, I pushed it, 782 00:33:28,833 --> 00:33:30,042 Mister Rogers died... 783 00:33:30,125 --> 00:33:31,500 - What? - And here I am. 784 00:33:32,708 --> 00:33:34,601 Wait, because you pushed the button, you think that's... 785 00:33:34,625 --> 00:33:36,375 I mean, he had a good life, so... 786 00:33:39,167 --> 00:33:41,375 - I had a guest that dropped out... - Mm-hmm. 787 00:33:41,833 --> 00:33:43,417 Just last-minute for my talk show. 788 00:33:43,500 --> 00:33:46,417 Is there anyway I can interview you? 789 00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:49,875 I actually have a better idea. 790 00:33:54,583 --> 00:33:55,875 You're touching my hand. 791 00:33:56,542 --> 00:33:57,375 Listen... 792 00:33:57,458 --> 00:34:00,083 what if we take this upstairs? 793 00:34:01,417 --> 00:34:03,083 What about John Legend? 794 00:34:03,167 --> 00:34:06,667 He's fine, he's probably at home polishing his EGOT. 795 00:34:07,500 --> 00:34:09,167 Is that what he calls his penis? 796 00:34:20,167 --> 00:34:21,167 Come on. 797 00:34:33,958 --> 00:34:35,250 That was at my hotel room. 798 00:34:35,333 --> 00:34:36,500 How did you get that footage? 799 00:34:36,583 --> 00:34:37,875 There are cameras everywhere. 800 00:34:37,958 --> 00:34:39,500 You told me to never stop filming. 801 00:34:39,875 --> 00:34:42,958 This whole trip, you've been filming me in every hotel room that I've been in? 802 00:34:43,417 --> 00:34:44,417 Yes. 803 00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:48,542 Right. This is not in the documentary. 804 00:34:48,958 --> 00:34:49,958 Right? 805 00:34:51,167 --> 00:34:52,167 At all. 806 00:34:53,167 --> 00:34:54,208 Destroy it. 807 00:34:55,125 --> 00:34:56,125 Now. 808 00:34:56,375 --> 00:34:58,417 But before you do, will you email me that? 809 00:35:04,333 --> 00:35:06,833 Hey, guys, welcome to The Bear Pit. We cook with wood. 810 00:35:06,958 --> 00:35:09,167 Can I get you some honey gushers to start? 811 00:35:09,458 --> 00:35:10,458 What are honey gushers? 812 00:35:10,500 --> 00:35:11,500 It's just lemonade. 813 00:35:11,958 --> 00:35:13,042 Wow, you really sell it. 814 00:35:13,500 --> 00:35:15,167 Just telling it like it is. 815 00:35:15,250 --> 00:35:16,917 I'll take the fried chicken plate. 816 00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:18,458 I'll get pork ribs. 817 00:35:18,542 --> 00:35:20,250 - I want the special. I want... - Special. 818 00:35:20,333 --> 00:35:22,042 - Do you have sushi? - I could... 819 00:35:22,125 --> 00:35:24,917 put some fish sticks on a rice pilaf, I guess? 820 00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:26,958 That's fine. Side of gravy. 821 00:35:27,042 --> 00:35:28,684 Good enough. I'll be right back with that, guys. 822 00:35:28,708 --> 00:35:30,601 - Thank you so much for your patience. - And your name is? 823 00:35:30,625 --> 00:35:32,083 - My name is Mike. - Thanks, Mike. 824 00:35:32,167 --> 00:35:33,917 - Thanks, Mike. - You can call me Michael. 825 00:35:34,417 --> 00:35:35,417 Thanks, Mike. 826 00:35:35,583 --> 00:35:37,167 That's great, actually. Wow. 827 00:35:37,625 --> 00:35:39,625 - We're gonna go to the bathroom. - Does he really? 828 00:35:39,833 --> 00:35:40,875 Okay! 829 00:35:40,958 --> 00:35:41,958 Thank you so much. 830 00:35:43,125 --> 00:35:44,000 We got a celebrity! 831 00:35:44,083 --> 00:35:45,083 Oh, good! 832 00:35:45,583 --> 00:35:46,583 John Legend! 833 00:35:47,708 --> 00:35:49,083 Oh, I'm so excited! 834 00:35:49,375 --> 00:35:50,375 The... 835 00:35:50,625 --> 00:35:52,542 Yes, the piano man, yeah! 836 00:35:52,625 --> 00:35:54,726 He just called his manager out of the blue this morning and was like, 837 00:35:54,750 --> 00:35:57,500 "I wanna be on that show," and he's on a plane right now flying here. 838 00:35:57,917 --> 00:35:58,917 - Right now? - Yes. 839 00:35:59,083 --> 00:36:00,083 - Here? - He's rushed. 840 00:36:00,375 --> 00:36:03,875 Honestly, I've never heard someone sound so excited to do our show. 841 00:36:05,875 --> 00:36:08,875 Okay. Yeah, so... when is he coming? 842 00:36:08,958 --> 00:36:10,809 - He's gonna be here in a second. - Where is he? Where is he though? 843 00:36:10,833 --> 00:36:12,708 His team said he was minutes away. 844 00:36:12,833 --> 00:36:14,268 There's a chance I might leave during the interview. 845 00:36:14,292 --> 00:36:15,625 - Zach! - What? 846 00:36:16,875 --> 00:36:17,875 Hi. 847 00:36:21,458 --> 00:36:22,667 How are you, buddy? 848 00:36:22,917 --> 00:36:24,542 So good to see you, man. 849 00:36:24,833 --> 00:36:26,333 I'm so excited to be here. 850 00:36:26,625 --> 00:36:27,625 Oh, good. 851 00:36:28,167 --> 00:36:29,875 - Yeah, have... have a seat. - Yeah. 852 00:36:30,125 --> 00:36:31,000 - Okay. - Okay. 853 00:36:31,083 --> 00:36:31,917 Okay. 854 00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:35,250 Oh! I've been wanting to be on your show for so long. 855 00:36:35,333 --> 00:36:36,973 I've been talking to my manager about it. 856 00:36:37,042 --> 00:36:39,059 - I'm so excited to be here. - Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. 857 00:36:39,083 --> 00:36:40,375 Is everything okay, Zach? 858 00:36:40,542 --> 00:36:41,934 Yeah, everything's... everything's fine, 859 00:36:41,958 --> 00:36:45,292 I just get the pre-jo shitters sometime... Uh, pre-show jitters sometimes. 860 00:36:45,708 --> 00:36:46,708 Okay. 861 00:36:47,833 --> 00:36:52,125 Hi, uh, welcome to another, uh, edition of Between Two Ferns. 862 00:36:52,208 --> 00:36:53,833 I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis, 863 00:36:53,917 --> 00:36:55,042 and my guest today 864 00:36:55,500 --> 00:36:56,500 is John Legend. 865 00:36:56,583 --> 00:36:58,208 - Hey, Zach! - Hey, John. 866 00:36:58,708 --> 00:37:00,458 Can I get an autograph for my mom? 867 00:37:00,542 --> 00:37:01,667 Sure, no problem. 868 00:37:01,750 --> 00:37:04,042 - Because she wants to give it to her mom. - Okay. 869 00:37:04,792 --> 00:37:06,042 Grandmas are great, too. 870 00:37:08,417 --> 00:37:09,500 Are you okay with all this? 871 00:37:09,583 --> 00:37:10,833 I'm so okay with it. 872 00:37:11,458 --> 00:37:12,750 I'm having such a great time! 873 00:37:12,833 --> 00:37:13,833 Are you having fun? 874 00:37:16,792 --> 00:37:18,667 We have something in common, uh... 875 00:37:18,750 --> 00:37:21,167 which is we both love to tickle the ivories. 876 00:37:21,250 --> 00:37:23,490 You play the piano and I love to make white people laugh. 877 00:37:24,917 --> 00:37:25,917 You're great! 878 00:37:27,250 --> 00:37:28,333 This is good stuff. 879 00:37:29,583 --> 00:37:31,083 You have many titles, uh... 880 00:37:31,167 --> 00:37:32,417 musician, actor, 881 00:37:32,625 --> 00:37:34,208 producer, philanthropist. 882 00:37:34,833 --> 00:37:35,750 But at the end of the day, 883 00:37:35,833 --> 00:37:38,193 aren't you just a millionaire who's married to a supermodel? 884 00:37:42,417 --> 00:37:45,375 I, uh, am married to a supermodel, yes. 885 00:37:46,042 --> 00:37:47,042 I'll look her up. 886 00:37:47,333 --> 00:37:48,333 He met her. 887 00:37:48,417 --> 00:37:49,333 - You met her? - I did? 888 00:37:49,417 --> 00:37:50,417 Yeah. 889 00:37:50,708 --> 00:37:51,958 - When? - Yes, of course. 890 00:37:52,542 --> 00:37:53,542 In the bar. 891 00:37:53,583 --> 00:37:55,292 You met my wife in a bar? 892 00:37:55,792 --> 00:37:57,434 I meet a lot of people. I meet a lot of people. 893 00:37:57,458 --> 00:37:58,833 It was last night. 894 00:37:59,167 --> 00:38:00,833 You met my wife last night? 895 00:38:01,083 --> 00:38:02,958 - What does she look like? - She's gorgeous. 896 00:38:03,042 --> 00:38:05,667 I told you, "Go over and talk to her, we can get an interview." 897 00:38:07,292 --> 00:38:08,125 I don't remember her. 898 00:38:08,208 --> 00:38:09,667 Why are you staring at me like this? 899 00:38:10,083 --> 00:38:10,917 What? 900 00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:13,143 I feel you're trying to communicate something that I don't get. 901 00:38:13,167 --> 00:38:14,375 Shut the fuck up. 902 00:38:18,458 --> 00:38:19,458 Carol. 903 00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:21,000 Zach! 904 00:38:21,917 --> 00:38:23,000 That was fun, man. 905 00:38:23,417 --> 00:38:24,417 Yeah. 906 00:38:24,625 --> 00:38:25,625 Don't leave yet. 907 00:38:26,458 --> 00:38:27,542 Give me a hug, brother. 908 00:38:27,917 --> 00:38:28,917 Okay. 909 00:38:31,458 --> 00:38:33,167 I know what you did. 910 00:38:35,958 --> 00:38:37,333 Ah! 911 00:38:41,750 --> 00:38:44,000 God! God! 912 00:38:45,375 --> 00:38:46,875 Yeah. I'll be out in a second. 913 00:38:47,042 --> 00:38:48,402 Just meet me at the back entrance. 914 00:38:49,792 --> 00:38:50,792 Zach? 915 00:38:51,083 --> 00:38:51,917 What just happened? 916 00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:53,750 He sprayed mace on my penis! 917 00:38:53,833 --> 00:38:54,667 What did you do? 918 00:38:54,750 --> 00:38:58,417 He's probably retaliating 'cause I had intercourse with his wife! 919 00:38:58,750 --> 00:38:59,750 What? 920 00:38:59,875 --> 00:39:03,750 I had sex with Chrissy Teigen. 921 00:39:03,833 --> 00:39:04,958 No, you didn't. 922 00:39:05,250 --> 00:39:07,917 Why else would he come and spray me where it happened? 923 00:39:08,250 --> 00:39:09,250 Ew. 924 00:39:09,500 --> 00:39:10,958 It'll go away in, like, a half-hour. 925 00:39:11,042 --> 00:39:13,250 I've been sprayed before. It's not bad. 926 00:39:16,083 --> 00:39:17,292 Oh, God! 927 00:39:24,083 --> 00:39:25,792 Excuse me, Mr. Hamm? 928 00:39:25,875 --> 00:39:27,375 - Hi! - Hi, my name is Zach, 929 00:39:27,458 --> 00:39:28,792 I have a public access talk show, 930 00:39:28,875 --> 00:39:31,156 and I was wondering if you would like to be a guest on it? 931 00:39:33,583 --> 00:39:34,625 Absolutely. 932 00:39:34,708 --> 00:39:36,500 Guys, we're gonna need to take a quick break. 933 00:39:36,583 --> 00:39:39,083 My friend Jack just asked me to be on his TV show, 934 00:39:39,167 --> 00:39:40,833 and I don't say no to anything, so... 935 00:39:40,917 --> 00:39:43,833 Thank you so much. Yeah. 936 00:39:44,208 --> 00:39:47,333 The Me Too movement has been an important learning process for men. 937 00:39:47,667 --> 00:39:49,307 Do you feel like you've missed out on that 938 00:39:49,375 --> 00:39:52,175 because every woman you've ever met just wants to fuck your brains out? 939 00:39:53,292 --> 00:39:56,875 Bradley Cooper co-wrote, produced, directed, and starred in A Star is Born. 940 00:39:56,958 --> 00:39:57,875 I hear it's great. 941 00:39:57,958 --> 00:40:00,792 Are you hoping that will open doors for other hot idiots? 942 00:40:01,917 --> 00:40:03,458 Uh, you know... 943 00:40:03,542 --> 00:40:06,208 At what point during the making of Tag did you guys realize 944 00:40:06,292 --> 00:40:10,208 that you were making one of the most iconic pieces of mediocrity ever produced? 945 00:40:14,333 --> 00:40:15,542 I get it! 946 00:40:17,167 --> 00:40:19,708 My guest today is Hailee Steinfeld. 947 00:40:19,792 --> 00:40:20,792 All right. 948 00:40:20,958 --> 00:40:23,125 - Nice to have you here, Sta... Stailee... - Thank... 949 00:40:23,208 --> 00:40:25,125 To have... Nice to hear... Have... 950 00:40:25,458 --> 00:40:26,958 Nice to have you here, Stailee. 951 00:40:27,500 --> 00:40:29,208 You were in Pitch Perfect 2 and 3. 952 00:40:29,333 --> 00:40:31,133 Do you ever wish you had been in the good one? 953 00:40:32,958 --> 00:40:34,958 You have 12 million Instagram followers. 954 00:40:35,542 --> 00:40:38,500 How long did it take you to apologize to each one of them for Bumblebee? 955 00:40:39,542 --> 00:40:40,917 I walked out of that movie. 956 00:40:41,500 --> 00:40:43,420 I'm just kidding, I didn't walk out of the movie. 957 00:40:43,958 --> 00:40:46,500 I skipped out 'cause I was so happy to be leaving. 958 00:40:46,583 --> 00:40:47,583 Wow. 959 00:40:48,375 --> 00:40:50,000 You dated a guy from One Direction. 960 00:40:50,250 --> 00:40:53,083 Which one direction was his penis pointing, north or south? 961 00:40:55,583 --> 00:40:56,583 Are we done? 962 00:40:58,792 --> 00:41:00,208 Hey, Zach, could I get this? 963 00:41:00,292 --> 00:41:02,772 Absolutely. Matter of fact, if you guys want some trinkets too, 964 00:41:02,833 --> 00:41:04,125 it's on me. My treat. 965 00:41:11,750 --> 00:41:13,292 My guest today is... 966 00:41:13,375 --> 00:41:14,375 Aquafina. 967 00:41:14,583 --> 00:41:15,583 Awkwafina. 968 00:41:15,667 --> 00:41:16,750 Like the water? 969 00:41:16,833 --> 00:41:18,875 Well, it's spelled differently, so... 970 00:41:18,958 --> 00:41:21,083 You've been raping since the age of 13... 971 00:41:21,167 --> 00:41:22,167 Rapping. 972 00:41:22,458 --> 00:41:24,042 - Rapping. - That makes more sense. 973 00:41:25,083 --> 00:41:27,333 You starred in, um, Ocean's 8. 974 00:41:27,417 --> 00:41:28,333 It's a great movie. 975 00:41:28,417 --> 00:41:31,083 I'd love to see an all-male reboot of Ocean's 8. 976 00:41:31,750 --> 00:41:32,875 - That would be nice. - Yeah. 977 00:41:32,958 --> 00:41:34,708 There... It exists already. 978 00:41:34,875 --> 00:41:35,875 Couple of them. 979 00:41:35,917 --> 00:41:38,667 Couple of what? Male versions of the female Ocean's 8? 980 00:41:38,750 --> 00:41:40,208 Ocean's 8 was a reboot of a male... 981 00:41:40,292 --> 00:41:42,059 Next thing you're gonna tell me there's a male Ghostbusters. 982 00:41:42,083 --> 00:41:43,083 There is. 983 00:41:44,250 --> 00:41:45,958 - It's with, um... - Leslie Jones. 984 00:41:46,042 --> 00:41:47,042 No. 985 00:41:50,917 --> 00:41:53,250 You got famous for peeing from a zip line. 986 00:41:53,333 --> 00:41:54,458 What's your next project? 987 00:41:54,542 --> 00:41:55,917 Queefing on a ski lift? 988 00:41:56,333 --> 00:41:58,125 No, I already queefed on a podcast. 989 00:41:58,208 --> 00:42:00,167 Is that how you got your nickname, Queef Latifah? 990 00:42:00,583 --> 00:42:01,458 Possibly. 991 00:42:01,542 --> 00:42:04,167 Do you ever wish people would stop calling you a female comedian? 992 00:42:04,625 --> 00:42:05,625 Yeah. 993 00:42:05,667 --> 00:42:07,987 Don't you think they should just call you a black comedian? 994 00:42:08,583 --> 00:42:10,833 It's better than them calling me a male comedian. 995 00:42:11,292 --> 00:42:13,000 You were raised in the foster care system, 996 00:42:13,083 --> 00:42:15,542 which brings us to our sponsor, Foster's beer. 997 00:42:15,875 --> 00:42:17,500 Can you look at this camera right here 998 00:42:17,583 --> 00:42:19,000 and say, 999 00:42:19,125 --> 00:42:20,333 "Foster beer, 1000 00:42:20,417 --> 00:42:22,292 the best beer for foster kids." 1001 00:42:22,375 --> 00:42:23,375 I'm not doing that. 1002 00:42:23,583 --> 00:42:24,583 No. 1003 00:42:35,250 --> 00:42:41,583 ♪ The things you said are Hanging in the middle of my mind ♪ 1004 00:42:44,458 --> 00:42:47,333 Hey, can I just take a second? I wanted to, um... 1005 00:42:49,250 --> 00:42:50,583 I just want to thank you guys 1006 00:42:51,333 --> 00:42:53,333 for going on this venture with me, and, uh... 1007 00:42:53,833 --> 00:42:55,292 this has been a dream of mine. 1008 00:42:55,750 --> 00:42:57,292 As a kid, I realized that people 1009 00:42:57,375 --> 00:42:59,625 love to point and laugh and look at me. 1010 00:43:01,042 --> 00:43:02,125 And I knew then... 1011 00:43:03,167 --> 00:43:04,458 I have the It Factor. 1012 00:43:05,875 --> 00:43:09,333 So, I just wanted to thank you guys for helping me capitalize on that. 1013 00:43:09,958 --> 00:43:10,958 Hey, I want to say, 1014 00:43:11,333 --> 00:43:13,125 when we first started on this whole trip, 1015 00:43:13,208 --> 00:43:15,667 I found you to be annoying and hard to be around, 1016 00:43:16,500 --> 00:43:17,750 and that hasn't changed. 1017 00:43:18,958 --> 00:43:20,333 I'm kidding! 1018 00:43:20,417 --> 00:43:21,250 Ha! 1019 00:43:21,333 --> 00:43:22,684 - Yeah, I know! Yeah. - That's why it's funny, 1020 00:43:22,708 --> 00:43:24,458 'cause it has changed. I actually, 1021 00:43:24,917 --> 00:43:26,083 you know, I think... 1022 00:43:26,667 --> 00:43:28,208 I don't know, I kinda... 1023 00:43:28,292 --> 00:43:29,167 I like you. 1024 00:43:29,250 --> 00:43:30,792 - Wow. - Well... 1025 00:43:31,458 --> 00:43:32,500 thank you, Cam. 1026 00:43:32,583 --> 00:43:33,583 You're welcome. 1027 00:43:33,625 --> 00:43:36,167 Well, I'd like to say a little something, too. 1028 00:43:36,250 --> 00:43:38,708 Ever since my dad shot my mom and then killed himself, 1029 00:43:38,792 --> 00:43:40,292 I felt kind of... 1030 00:43:40,583 --> 00:43:41,417 unmoored, 1031 00:43:41,500 --> 00:43:43,792 but you've made me really feel stable and needed. 1032 00:43:43,875 --> 00:43:45,333 - So, thank you so much. - What? 1033 00:43:45,750 --> 00:43:49,292 Oh, yeah, my dad killed my mom then killed himself, 'cause... 1034 00:43:49,375 --> 00:43:51,458 - When... when did that happen? - A while ago. 1035 00:43:51,625 --> 00:43:52,625 Like, a month. 1036 00:43:53,375 --> 00:43:56,042 You didn't take any time off of work, you didn't say anything? 1037 00:43:56,125 --> 00:43:57,125 I'm fine. 1038 00:43:58,625 --> 00:43:59,542 I'd like to do a toast, 1039 00:43:59,625 --> 00:44:00,726 - if that's possible? - Yeah. 1040 00:44:00,750 --> 00:44:01,833 - Yeah. - Let's do a toast. 1041 00:44:01,917 --> 00:44:02,917 Okay. 1042 00:44:03,583 --> 00:44:05,250 Here's to the crazy ones, 1043 00:44:06,167 --> 00:44:07,167 the misfits, 1044 00:44:07,667 --> 00:44:08,667 maniacs, 1045 00:44:09,000 --> 00:44:10,000 to the loonies, 1046 00:44:10,542 --> 00:44:11,542 and ding-dongs. 1047 00:44:12,375 --> 00:44:14,415 And some people would say that we're the crazy ones, 1048 00:44:14,958 --> 00:44:15,958 but I think... 1049 00:44:16,500 --> 00:44:17,583 we're geniuses, 1050 00:44:18,208 --> 00:44:19,333 because we're... 1051 00:44:19,875 --> 00:44:20,917 crazy enough 1052 00:44:23,125 --> 00:44:25,500 to try to change this ding-dong crazy world. 1053 00:44:26,792 --> 00:44:27,625 Cheers. 1054 00:44:27,708 --> 00:44:29,500 That was a great speech. 1055 00:44:30,333 --> 00:44:32,250 Would you like to, uh, dance? 1056 00:44:33,250 --> 00:44:34,250 With me, though. 1057 00:44:34,583 --> 00:44:35,583 - Yes. Okay. - Okay. 1058 00:44:37,208 --> 00:44:42,292 ♪ I think about you Walking on a street ♪ 1059 00:44:42,375 --> 00:44:43,500 You wanna dance? 1060 00:44:43,583 --> 00:44:44,625 I wanna dance alone. 1061 00:44:44,708 --> 00:44:49,500 ♪ It always brings me back here ♪ 1062 00:44:50,167 --> 00:44:51,958 Come on, Cam! 1063 00:44:52,208 --> 00:44:53,375 Come on. 1064 00:44:54,458 --> 00:44:56,708 ♪ By the hand ♪ 1065 00:44:57,250 --> 00:45:02,625 ♪ Anyone who knows what love is Will understand ♪ 1066 00:45:03,625 --> 00:45:07,375 ♪ You've always had me ♪ 1067 00:45:09,208 --> 00:45:11,625 ♪ Walking on a string ♪ 1068 00:45:12,583 --> 00:45:13,583 Hello. 1069 00:45:14,125 --> 00:45:14,958 Hi. 1070 00:45:15,042 --> 00:45:16,083 Room 203. 1071 00:45:16,167 --> 00:45:18,500 There should be some... several rooms under that. 1072 00:45:18,583 --> 00:45:20,333 Yes, here's your receipt. 1073 00:45:21,458 --> 00:45:23,042 I hope you enjoyed your stay. 1074 00:45:23,500 --> 00:45:24,500 Very much. 1075 00:45:25,542 --> 00:45:26,833 What are all these charges? 1076 00:45:26,917 --> 00:45:28,000 It's itemized, sir. 1077 00:45:28,542 --> 00:45:31,167 I just, I didn't realize when you take out the, um, 1078 00:45:32,000 --> 00:45:35,750 the crackers in the snack drawer that they charge you for it or the drinks. 1079 00:45:35,833 --> 00:45:36,875 You didn't realize that? 1080 00:45:36,958 --> 00:45:39,726 Well, I didn't know, like, even if you put it back, you're still charged. 1081 00:45:39,750 --> 00:45:42,875 If you eat it or drink it, yes. 1082 00:45:42,958 --> 00:45:44,292 Did you eat the stuff, too? 1083 00:45:44,375 --> 00:45:45,875 I moved it and then I ate it, yeah. 1084 00:45:46,042 --> 00:45:49,000 But, just 'cause I move it I shouldn't be charged. 1085 00:45:49,083 --> 00:45:50,792 What are these? Those look like... 1086 00:45:51,292 --> 00:45:52,458 I rented one movie. 1087 00:45:53,125 --> 00:45:54,125 Big deal. 1088 00:45:55,333 --> 00:45:56,333 Is that porn? 1089 00:45:57,083 --> 00:45:59,500 I thought it was Analyze This, but it was Anal-yze This. 1090 00:46:00,125 --> 00:46:02,018 They didn't even have to change the spelling of it. 1091 00:46:02,042 --> 00:46:04,667 You rented Anal-yze This several times in a row. 1092 00:46:04,750 --> 00:46:07,708 I kept hitting it 'cause I was, "Well, maybe Analyze This will come..." 1093 00:46:07,833 --> 00:46:09,500 The point being is... 1094 00:46:09,625 --> 00:46:12,225 You should see the guy they had playing Billy Crystal, by the way. 1095 00:46:13,542 --> 00:46:15,726 - I'm not paying for this. - You've already paid for it. 1096 00:46:15,750 --> 00:46:16,958 This is just your receipt. 1097 00:46:17,833 --> 00:46:20,208 But, I'm saying I'm not paying for it... again. 1098 00:46:25,708 --> 00:46:27,542 - I'm hungry. - I'm starving. 1099 00:46:27,625 --> 00:46:28,542 I'm so hungry. 1100 00:46:28,625 --> 00:46:30,708 You guys wanna do a family-style type thing? 1101 00:46:31,792 --> 00:46:34,042 No, I think we each wanted to get our own thing. 1102 00:46:34,125 --> 00:46:35,042 - I was... - Hey, gang. 1103 00:46:35,125 --> 00:46:37,125 Did you get a chance to look at the menus here? 1104 00:46:37,208 --> 00:46:38,250 I'll take a grape juice... 1105 00:46:38,333 --> 00:46:41,000 Uh, no, we'll have, uh, four waters for the table. 1106 00:46:41,083 --> 00:46:41,917 No grape juice. 1107 00:46:42,000 --> 00:46:43,375 Can I get an orange soda? 1108 00:46:43,458 --> 00:46:44,643 - Okay, orange... - We'll split. 1109 00:46:44,667 --> 00:46:46,147 Maybe we can split a soda three ways. 1110 00:46:46,208 --> 00:46:48,042 Can you do one soda with two extra cups, 1111 00:46:48,125 --> 00:46:51,292 but just charge us once, and then put the other two, just put refills in it? 1112 00:46:51,375 --> 00:46:52,500 It just has to be... 1113 00:46:52,708 --> 00:46:54,750 one cup you all share. 1114 00:46:55,042 --> 00:46:57,042 I can bring four straws? 1115 00:46:57,167 --> 00:46:58,375 Sweet. Cool. 1116 00:46:58,458 --> 00:47:00,375 How many clam strips come in an order? 1117 00:47:00,458 --> 00:47:01,500 Six. 1118 00:47:01,583 --> 00:47:04,333 - How big are they? - Well, have you ever seen a chicken strip? 1119 00:47:05,042 --> 00:47:06,917 I've never seen a chicken wear clothes. 1120 00:47:08,375 --> 00:47:10,875 No, I mean like baked into a strip, not... 1121 00:47:12,542 --> 00:47:13,792 - You bake them? - That's fine. 1122 00:47:13,875 --> 00:47:17,292 One is good. Look, we'll get an order of the clam strips and a scoop of tuna. 1123 00:47:17,542 --> 00:47:19,167 And can I get a, uh... 1124 00:47:19,250 --> 00:47:20,583 mug of hot water, please? 1125 00:47:24,125 --> 00:47:25,583 What were you saying earlier 1126 00:47:25,667 --> 00:47:28,625 about your buddy Martin Freeman being the only good part of Black Panther? 1127 00:47:28,708 --> 00:47:29,542 What? 1128 00:47:29,625 --> 00:47:31,833 It's just a weird thing to say to someone you just met. 1129 00:47:32,250 --> 00:47:33,667 - But I didn't say that. - Ready? 1130 00:47:34,042 --> 00:47:36,958 Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns. 1131 00:47:37,042 --> 00:47:39,250 I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis, and... 1132 00:47:39,708 --> 00:47:41,417 my guest today is 1133 00:47:41,500 --> 00:47:43,750 Benedick Cumberbut... Batch. 1134 00:47:44,417 --> 00:47:46,625 Benedick, Benedick Cumberbat... Bun. 1135 00:47:47,083 --> 00:47:48,083 Cam... 1136 00:47:48,667 --> 00:47:49,708 Benedick Cam... 1137 00:47:50,458 --> 00:47:51,458 Benefit Lumberjacks. 1138 00:47:51,542 --> 00:47:52,667 Ju... Uh, Bit... 1139 00:47:52,833 --> 00:47:53,934 - Uh, Benedict... - Cumberdit... 1140 00:47:53,958 --> 00:47:55,125 Cumberba... Uh... 1141 00:47:55,750 --> 00:47:57,167 Benedict Cumberbatch. 1142 00:47:57,375 --> 00:47:58,708 - That's what it is. - Yeah. 1143 00:47:59,042 --> 00:48:01,417 You once said you're your own worst critic. 1144 00:48:02,333 --> 00:48:04,167 So, you haven't read any of your reviews? 1145 00:48:04,250 --> 00:48:05,250 No, no, I try not to. 1146 00:48:05,333 --> 00:48:06,976 Has there ever been anything negative written about... 1147 00:48:07,000 --> 00:48:08,000 Oh, yeah. 1148 00:48:08,583 --> 00:48:10,250 A horse-faced, wooden... 1149 00:48:10,667 --> 00:48:12,507 - I see that, now you say that. - Oddly-named. 1150 00:48:12,542 --> 00:48:14,167 - That I do see. - Yeah. 1151 00:48:14,583 --> 00:48:17,208 You got your start doing theater and independent films. 1152 00:48:17,292 --> 00:48:18,292 I did. 1153 00:48:18,333 --> 00:48:20,208 And now you're acting in Marvel movies. 1154 00:48:20,292 --> 00:48:22,042 How good does it feel to sell-out? 1155 00:48:24,042 --> 00:48:25,500 Uh, I don't think it's a sell-out. 1156 00:48:25,583 --> 00:48:27,292 I think they're pretty cool films. 1157 00:48:27,375 --> 00:48:29,625 There's a lot for an actor to do in them. So... 1158 00:48:29,708 --> 00:48:30,708 You wear a cape? 1159 00:48:30,917 --> 00:48:32,000 No, I wear a cloak. 1160 00:48:35,292 --> 00:48:38,958 Do you think you play smart characters like Sherlock Holmes because you have... 1161 00:48:39,250 --> 00:48:41,625 you have one of these, you know, these faces... 1162 00:48:41,708 --> 00:48:44,625 Can we... Is there a... Let's just get a close-up here. 1163 00:48:44,708 --> 00:48:46,375 It's a face that could go either way. 1164 00:48:46,625 --> 00:48:49,000 It can use inductive reasoning to solve mysteries, 1165 00:48:49,083 --> 00:48:50,708 or it's the type of face that... 1166 00:48:51,083 --> 00:48:53,042 masturbates all day wearing a helmet. 1167 00:48:53,875 --> 00:48:55,042 See, it's a fine line. 1168 00:48:57,042 --> 00:48:59,250 You played Vincent van Gogh in a movie. 1169 00:48:59,333 --> 00:49:00,625 I did, yes. 1170 00:49:01,125 --> 00:49:03,333 This is Vincent van Gogh answering his cell phone. 1171 00:49:04,292 --> 00:49:05,292 Hello... 1172 00:49:05,625 --> 00:49:06,625 Hello? 1173 00:49:07,750 --> 00:49:08,750 It's hilarious. 1174 00:49:09,292 --> 00:49:10,708 If you didn't have an accent, 1175 00:49:10,792 --> 00:49:13,792 do you think people would be able to tell that you're not a very good actor? 1176 00:49:14,083 --> 00:49:16,583 Yeah, no, I think my accent probably does help, that's true. 1177 00:49:16,667 --> 00:49:17,958 Can you do an American accent? 1178 00:49:18,792 --> 00:49:19,625 Yes, I can. 1179 00:49:19,750 --> 00:49:20,833 Um... 1180 00:49:21,125 --> 00:49:22,667 okay, maybe I'll give you a few words? 1181 00:49:22,750 --> 00:49:23,583 Sure. 1182 00:49:23,667 --> 00:49:26,417 That's a nice bicycle you have there, my young son. 1183 00:49:29,125 --> 00:49:32,083 Well, that's a nice bicycle you have there, my young son. 1184 00:49:33,208 --> 00:49:35,958 - Pervert. Get away from me. - Pervert. Get away from me. 1185 00:49:36,042 --> 00:49:38,202 - No, that's me responding. - No, that's me responding. 1186 00:49:40,458 --> 00:49:42,458 - You have a rabid fan base, and it's... - A what? 1187 00:49:42,542 --> 00:49:44,862 - You have a rabid... - I thought you said "rabbit." Sorry. 1188 00:49:46,250 --> 00:49:47,292 Why... I said rabid. 1189 00:49:47,375 --> 00:49:48,500 It's vowels with you, 1190 00:49:48,583 --> 00:49:50,667 so I can't sometimes understand what you're saying. 1191 00:49:50,750 --> 00:49:53,167 All right, I'll say "rabbit." You have a "rabbit" fan base. 1192 00:49:53,250 --> 00:49:54,559 - That what you want? - No, just "d", "d". 1193 00:49:54,583 --> 00:49:56,875 You have a fan base full of rabbits. 1194 00:49:56,958 --> 00:49:57,958 Rabid. 1195 00:49:58,667 --> 00:50:00,833 Do they fuck a lot while they come see your plays? 1196 00:50:00,917 --> 00:50:03,417 Are the rabbits always having sex in the audience, 1197 00:50:03,500 --> 00:50:04,500 - while... - Unbelievable. 1198 00:50:04,583 --> 00:50:06,792 Are you good friends with the Easter Bunny? 1199 00:50:07,125 --> 00:50:08,583 Do you know Bugs? 1200 00:50:17,417 --> 00:50:19,125 Everything, uh, everything good? 1201 00:50:19,208 --> 00:50:21,458 You got kinda heated in there with... 1202 00:50:21,542 --> 00:50:24,125 with Cumber... Cumercleat... Cumbercleatch. 1203 00:50:24,208 --> 00:50:26,083 It's Dickerflick Cabbagepatch. 1204 00:50:26,167 --> 00:50:28,292 I just... Look, I... 1205 00:50:29,042 --> 00:50:31,958 I don't wanna put this on you guys, but, uh... 1206 00:50:32,417 --> 00:50:33,708 we're in a little bit of a... 1207 00:50:34,333 --> 00:50:37,250 budget situation, we're strapped for cash right now. 1208 00:50:37,333 --> 00:50:39,750 That's okay, you can just call Will Ferrell. 1209 00:50:39,833 --> 00:50:41,143 - Oh, yeah. - He can send more money. 1210 00:50:41,167 --> 00:50:42,167 I'll call him right now. 1211 00:50:42,458 --> 00:50:43,893 - Don't do... - How do you spell Ferrell? 1212 00:50:43,917 --> 00:50:44,917 Don't do that. 1213 00:50:45,875 --> 00:50:49,083 When I said that he was bankrolling this project, 1214 00:50:49,167 --> 00:50:50,167 I meant... 1215 00:50:50,333 --> 00:50:53,125 I meant he was bankrolling it in the future tense. 1216 00:50:53,708 --> 00:50:54,708 What? 1217 00:50:54,792 --> 00:50:56,625 He didn't give us any money upfront, 1218 00:50:56,708 --> 00:50:58,167 and we're running low. 1219 00:50:58,750 --> 00:51:00,042 So, you lied about Will Ferrell? 1220 00:51:00,125 --> 00:51:01,125 Oh, that's great. 1221 00:51:01,167 --> 00:51:04,292 Let me guess, he never actually said that we could be a part of the show? 1222 00:51:04,375 --> 00:51:05,833 Did you lie about that, too? 1223 00:51:05,917 --> 00:51:08,375 As soon as we get to Los Angeles, everything will be fine. 1224 00:51:08,458 --> 00:51:09,917 I'm not gonna leave you guys behind. 1225 00:51:10,958 --> 00:51:11,958 We're friends. 1226 00:51:12,000 --> 00:51:13,000 Oh, are we? 1227 00:51:13,417 --> 00:51:15,667 Are we? Or are we just a bunch of dumb shits 1228 00:51:16,125 --> 00:51:18,625 that you tricked into doing unpaid labor for you? 1229 00:51:18,708 --> 00:51:19,708 Come on. Come on. 1230 00:51:24,583 --> 00:51:25,583 Carol... 1231 00:51:40,375 --> 00:51:42,042 - Hi, Norma! - Hi, Tessa! 1232 00:51:42,125 --> 00:51:44,268 What are you doing out here in the middle of nowhere anyway? 1233 00:51:44,292 --> 00:51:46,583 I'm researching for a film that I'm doing next. 1234 00:51:46,667 --> 00:51:47,667 What kind of research? 1235 00:51:47,750 --> 00:51:50,375 I'm just learning how to be a boring person. 1236 00:51:50,458 --> 00:51:51,500 Oh, really? 1237 00:51:51,625 --> 00:51:53,458 My guest today is... 1238 00:51:54,042 --> 00:51:55,333 Tesla Thompson. 1239 00:51:55,458 --> 00:51:56,738 - Tesla? Tesla Thompson? - Tessa. 1240 00:51:56,792 --> 00:51:58,792 No, Tes... Yeah, just Tessa. 1241 00:51:58,875 --> 00:51:59,875 Like the car. 1242 00:51:59,917 --> 00:52:01,476 - No, no, unlike the car. - Tesla, like the car? 1243 00:52:01,500 --> 00:52:03,393 - Like, if you take the "L" out of it. - But, it says, 1244 00:52:03,417 --> 00:52:04,417 "Tessa... 1245 00:52:04,542 --> 00:52:06,500 parenthetically, like the car." 1246 00:52:06,583 --> 00:52:08,333 But, you don't say it like you say the car. 1247 00:52:08,458 --> 00:52:09,833 'Cause then that's not my name. 1248 00:52:09,917 --> 00:52:11,125 I drive a Tessa. 1249 00:52:11,625 --> 00:52:12,625 You were in Creed. 1250 00:52:12,667 --> 00:52:13,667 Mm-hmm. 1251 00:52:13,708 --> 00:52:15,125 What's Scott Stapp like? 1252 00:52:15,208 --> 00:52:17,125 - Who? - The singer in your band. 1253 00:52:17,958 --> 00:52:19,708 Were you in Cr... It says you were in Creed. 1254 00:52:19,792 --> 00:52:21,250 No, the movie, not the band. 1255 00:52:21,958 --> 00:52:23,583 Oh. Well, what's Scott Stapp like? 1256 00:52:24,542 --> 00:52:27,583 I never... I didn't... We didn't meet 'cause I'm... 1257 00:52:27,958 --> 00:52:29,417 They weren't involved in the movie. 1258 00:52:30,500 --> 00:52:32,333 But, would you like to meet him one day? 1259 00:52:32,958 --> 00:52:34,083 I mean, yeah, sure, 1260 00:52:34,167 --> 00:52:37,708 if the opportunity presented itself and I didn't have to drive anywhere, yeah. 1261 00:52:38,292 --> 00:52:41,083 Women are always being told to watch their weight in Hollywood. 1262 00:52:41,167 --> 00:52:44,833 So, why do you think so many actresses could still stand to lose a few pounds? 1263 00:52:45,250 --> 00:52:46,708 I mean, you look at Hollywood 1264 00:52:46,792 --> 00:52:48,792 and all the men that get to age gracefully. 1265 00:52:48,875 --> 00:52:52,083 It looks like they haven't been to a gym, 1266 00:52:52,167 --> 00:52:54,042 they get to come in disheveled, 1267 00:52:54,125 --> 00:52:55,958 and they look like they need to shower, 1268 00:52:56,042 --> 00:52:58,333 and they're wearing just, like, some blazer, 1269 00:52:58,417 --> 00:53:00,625 and be told that they just look distinguished, 1270 00:53:00,708 --> 00:53:01,917 but really they just look... 1271 00:53:02,667 --> 00:53:04,083 pretty disgusting, so... 1272 00:53:04,458 --> 00:53:05,708 Yeah, I hear you. 1273 00:53:05,917 --> 00:53:07,268 That's... that's gotta be frustrating. 1274 00:53:07,292 --> 00:53:08,292 Yeah. 1275 00:53:11,458 --> 00:53:14,792 - So this like a shortcut? - Where are we going? 1276 00:53:14,875 --> 00:53:16,795 I don't know if this is where you check in, or... 1277 00:53:16,917 --> 00:53:17,750 Now what? 1278 00:53:17,875 --> 00:53:19,755 - What do you mean? - We'll see what's going on. 1279 00:53:26,542 --> 00:53:28,083 - This looks weird. - Where are we? 1280 00:53:28,208 --> 00:53:29,583 This where we're staying tonight. 1281 00:53:30,125 --> 00:53:32,375 You said we were staying at the Four Seasons. 1282 00:53:33,125 --> 00:53:37,500 I said that we were staying at a place that was closed for three of the seasons. 1283 00:53:37,583 --> 00:53:38,893 Oh, Jesus Christ. We're supposed to believe that? 1284 00:53:38,917 --> 00:53:40,393 That's exactly what I said and for you guys 1285 00:53:40,417 --> 00:53:42,097 to run your mouths like it was something... 1286 00:53:42,125 --> 00:53:44,625 You are a liar and you have deceived us. 1287 00:53:44,708 --> 00:53:46,708 Yes, it's an abandoned campground, 1288 00:53:46,792 --> 00:53:49,333 but let's just stay here for the night and have some fun. 1289 00:53:51,000 --> 00:53:53,250 He's crazy. He's literally losing it. 1290 00:53:53,333 --> 00:53:54,750 He's under a lot of stress. 1291 00:53:54,833 --> 00:53:57,083 But, we only have one more episode to go. 1292 00:53:57,167 --> 00:53:58,407 Hey, Zach found a fishing pole, 1293 00:53:58,458 --> 00:54:00,698 so we're gonna go on the lake and try to catch something. 1294 00:54:05,625 --> 00:54:07,333 Let me put the hot dog on it. 1295 00:54:07,875 --> 00:54:09,167 - You have a hot dog? - Yeah. 1296 00:54:09,792 --> 00:54:10,792 We could've eaten that. 1297 00:54:10,833 --> 00:54:11,833 You want a piece? 1298 00:54:11,875 --> 00:54:13,893 - No, I don't wanna a piece. - I can give you that one. 1299 00:54:13,917 --> 00:54:15,333 It's been in your pocket all day. 1300 00:54:15,417 --> 00:54:17,417 It's only two days old, it's fine. Hot dogs keep. 1301 00:54:17,500 --> 00:54:19,250 - Use it. - Fine. 1302 00:54:22,500 --> 00:54:23,583 Just give me a second. 1303 00:54:28,833 --> 00:54:29,833 You get caught? 1304 00:54:30,458 --> 00:54:32,000 - You gotta get it... - God Almighty! 1305 00:54:33,375 --> 00:54:34,833 Hey. 1306 00:54:37,208 --> 00:54:38,208 What's going on? 1307 00:54:38,708 --> 00:54:39,708 I just feel like... 1308 00:54:40,750 --> 00:54:41,792 What are we doing? 1309 00:54:42,542 --> 00:54:46,250 I... I'm fishing on a giant goose looking for food. 1310 00:54:46,875 --> 00:54:48,000 You got this. 1311 00:54:48,500 --> 00:54:50,500 You're gonna catch us fish for dinner, 1312 00:54:50,583 --> 00:54:52,583 we're all going to eat like kings tonight. 1313 00:54:53,292 --> 00:54:56,208 And you're gonna make a TV show that's going to change the entire world. 1314 00:54:57,000 --> 00:54:58,000 Okay? 1315 00:54:58,583 --> 00:54:59,583 I believe in you. 1316 00:55:00,250 --> 00:55:02,417 You can't just give up when someone believes in you. 1317 00:55:07,333 --> 00:55:09,693 I don't know what I'd do without you, Carol, I really don't. 1318 00:55:14,208 --> 00:55:16,500 If you could do anything with your life, what would it be? 1319 00:55:17,458 --> 00:55:18,458 Forget me, 1320 00:55:18,833 --> 00:55:20,000 forget the cable access. 1321 00:55:20,083 --> 00:55:21,083 What would you do? 1322 00:55:21,458 --> 00:55:23,833 Once upon a time, I thought about being a trumpet player. 1323 00:55:25,833 --> 00:55:28,375 That was right before we left on this trip. I bought a trumpet. 1324 00:55:32,292 --> 00:55:33,792 - That was in your purse? - Yeah. 1325 00:55:34,208 --> 00:55:36,292 Just in case I ever get the guts to give it a toot. 1326 00:55:37,333 --> 00:55:38,667 Well, what are you afraid of? 1327 00:55:40,125 --> 00:55:41,708 I'm scared I might be too good at it, 1328 00:55:42,292 --> 00:55:43,372 and I'll have to leave you. 1329 00:55:44,042 --> 00:55:45,208 Well, then you become... 1330 00:55:46,042 --> 00:55:48,750 a famous trumpeter and you leave me behind. It's okay. 1331 00:55:49,167 --> 00:55:50,917 If you wanna play the trumpet, go ahead. 1332 00:55:51,542 --> 00:55:53,458 Lip up. Give that thing a toot. 1333 00:55:54,333 --> 00:55:55,333 Okay. 1334 00:55:55,875 --> 00:55:56,875 Okay! 1335 00:55:58,833 --> 00:56:00,708 I watched a ton of videos on how to do it. 1336 00:56:19,917 --> 00:56:20,750 It's a good start. 1337 00:56:20,833 --> 00:56:22,042 You play that trumpet. 1338 00:56:22,667 --> 00:56:24,042 I'm gonna catch us some fish. 1339 00:56:36,708 --> 00:56:39,250 Okay, everybody. Can everybody gather round, please? 1340 00:56:39,625 --> 00:56:40,625 Gather round. 1341 00:56:40,958 --> 00:56:41,958 All right. 1342 00:56:42,042 --> 00:56:43,833 So, we're at Peter Dinklage's house. 1343 00:56:44,000 --> 00:56:46,792 This is our last interview. Obviously, he's as rich as Croesus. 1344 00:56:47,458 --> 00:56:48,458 I have a plan. 1345 00:56:49,000 --> 00:56:51,292 Carol, he's going to be distracted during the interview. 1346 00:56:51,833 --> 00:56:54,000 I need you to steal some of his stuff. 1347 00:56:54,583 --> 00:56:55,917 - What? - What? No! 1348 00:56:56,000 --> 00:56:57,601 - We're not stealing! - You can't do that. No. 1349 00:56:57,625 --> 00:57:00,458 I know... Not a lot of stuff, just enough stuff so I can sell it later, 1350 00:57:00,542 --> 00:57:01,417 so we have some dough. 1351 00:57:01,500 --> 00:57:04,018 - I don't feel comfortable with that. - You don't have to do that. 1352 00:57:04,042 --> 00:57:05,125 Okay, I'll do it. 1353 00:57:05,792 --> 00:57:07,872 You have to work the camera. Plus, you're too stupid. 1354 00:57:08,833 --> 00:57:09,833 Carol, 1355 00:57:09,958 --> 00:57:11,333 if we don't get to Los Angeles... 1356 00:57:12,833 --> 00:57:14,250 our talk show dreams are over. 1357 00:57:16,708 --> 00:57:17,708 Please? 1358 00:57:20,333 --> 00:57:21,333 Okay. 1359 00:57:22,000 --> 00:57:23,917 Let's steal Peter Dinklage's stuff. 1360 00:57:24,583 --> 00:57:25,708 - Okay. - Yeah. 1361 00:57:25,792 --> 00:57:26,792 Okay! 1362 00:57:27,208 --> 00:57:28,625 Game faces! Let's go. 1363 00:57:29,125 --> 00:57:31,000 All right. I'll get the ferns. 1364 00:57:37,750 --> 00:57:39,000 Hey, yeah, 1365 00:57:39,292 --> 00:57:41,167 the Ferns peoples. 1366 00:57:41,542 --> 00:57:42,542 Come on. 1367 00:57:45,167 --> 00:57:46,375 Come on, don't be shy. 1368 00:57:47,792 --> 00:57:49,208 Late one last night. 1369 00:57:49,750 --> 00:57:50,750 Oh, wow. 1370 00:57:51,333 --> 00:57:52,500 What a fancy house. 1371 00:57:52,833 --> 00:57:54,958 Tell us about all of your expensive things. 1372 00:57:55,375 --> 00:57:56,875 All right. 1373 00:57:57,667 --> 00:57:59,375 I was just about to anyway. 1374 00:57:59,458 --> 00:58:01,583 You're noticing my Warhol, I see. 1375 00:58:02,250 --> 00:58:03,250 Wow. 1376 00:58:03,292 --> 00:58:04,458 Must be really expensive. 1377 00:58:04,542 --> 00:58:07,958 Oh, about 250K. Got that for a steal. 1378 00:58:08,042 --> 00:58:09,625 Was LaCroix around back then? 1379 00:58:09,708 --> 00:58:10,708 Yeah. 1380 00:58:10,917 --> 00:58:11,833 LaCroix! 1381 00:58:11,917 --> 00:58:14,375 Seems like it must be hard to get that off the wall. 1382 00:58:15,000 --> 00:58:16,000 Over here... 1383 00:58:19,000 --> 00:58:21,125 Winds Of Winter by George R.R. Martin? 1384 00:58:21,583 --> 00:58:22,708 It's not even out yet! 1385 00:58:23,042 --> 00:58:25,282 I bet that would fetch a pretty penny on the open market. 1386 00:58:26,208 --> 00:58:27,208 Check this out. 1387 00:58:30,250 --> 00:58:31,875 Et voilà. 1388 00:58:32,917 --> 00:58:34,417 Are those Fabergé eggs? 1389 00:58:34,500 --> 00:58:35,833 Yes, they are indeed. 1390 00:58:35,917 --> 00:58:36,750 Wow. 1391 00:58:36,917 --> 00:58:39,208 You know what's the most amazing thing about this, though? 1392 00:58:39,583 --> 00:58:40,583 Uh... 1393 00:58:41,417 --> 00:58:42,625 Fabergé egg carton. 1394 00:58:43,083 --> 00:58:44,083 Wow. 1395 00:58:44,375 --> 00:58:45,958 - Is that worth a lot of money? - Oh... 1396 00:58:46,042 --> 00:58:47,458 - Like, how much? - Oh... 1397 00:58:47,750 --> 00:58:49,542 You can't even think of a number that high. 1398 00:58:49,625 --> 00:58:50,667 Okay, great. 1399 00:58:51,167 --> 00:58:52,917 Thank you. We'll set up for the interview. 1400 00:58:53,000 --> 00:58:54,101 So, we're gonna do the interview? 1401 00:58:54,125 --> 00:58:55,125 Let's do it. 1402 00:59:00,167 --> 00:59:02,458 Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns. 1403 00:59:02,542 --> 00:59:04,625 I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis, 1404 00:59:04,708 --> 00:59:06,208 and my guest today... 1405 00:59:06,667 --> 00:59:08,167 is Peter Dinklage. 1406 00:59:09,000 --> 00:59:11,292 Thank you for joining me, Mr. Dinklage. 1407 00:59:11,583 --> 00:59:12,458 Mm-hmm. 1408 00:59:12,542 --> 00:59:13,542 Dinklage. 1409 00:59:14,208 --> 00:59:15,500 Is that an STD? 1410 00:59:16,500 --> 00:59:19,667 Uh, I think in German it's von Dincklage, but... 1411 00:59:20,000 --> 00:59:21,292 Why did you keep your real name? 1412 00:59:22,167 --> 00:59:23,750 I mean, if someone said to me, 1413 00:59:23,833 --> 00:59:28,208 "You have to start an acting career with the name Peter Dinkylage..." 1414 00:59:28,292 --> 00:59:30,667 I'm thinking of other choices I could've made right now. 1415 00:59:31,667 --> 00:59:33,500 Well, Galifianakis is a stage name. 1416 00:59:33,917 --> 00:59:34,833 What's your real name? 1417 00:59:34,917 --> 00:59:37,292 My real name is Chad Farthouse. 1418 00:59:38,417 --> 00:59:39,667 That doesn't sound right. 1419 00:59:39,750 --> 00:59:41,875 There's a kid on the Disney Channel. 1420 00:59:42,208 --> 00:59:43,833 Uh, Chad... 1421 00:59:44,250 --> 00:59:45,083 Farthouse. 1422 00:59:45,167 --> 00:59:47,333 He's on one of... Wizards Of Waverly Place, 1423 00:59:47,792 --> 00:59:48,833 with that last name. 1424 00:59:49,167 --> 00:59:50,417 So, I had to change my name. 1425 00:59:52,500 --> 00:59:53,667 You're in X-Men, right? 1426 00:59:55,417 --> 00:59:57,000 You know who my favorite X-Man is? 1427 00:59:57,750 --> 00:59:58,750 Caitlyn Jenner. 1428 00:59:59,542 --> 01:00:01,417 And, by the way, that's not an offensive joke. 1429 01:00:01,792 --> 01:00:05,167 I'm honestly under the impression that she was in the X-Men movies. 1430 01:00:07,458 --> 01:00:09,000 You were in ALF, right? 1431 01:00:09,583 --> 01:00:10,583 Elf. 1432 01:00:11,500 --> 01:00:13,708 No, I mean, you were in ALF, the costume? 1433 01:00:14,458 --> 01:00:16,458 - Um, hey! - Can I just... 1434 01:00:16,875 --> 01:00:17,875 Real quick, 1435 01:00:18,125 --> 01:00:19,434 and it's important you look at my face 1436 01:00:19,458 --> 01:00:21,375 'cause I think the sincerity in this question 1437 01:00:21,458 --> 01:00:22,875 is reading in my face. 1438 01:00:23,333 --> 01:00:26,000 Tell us about how fun it was to be in Pixels. 1439 01:00:26,125 --> 01:00:28,083 - Pixels, was that a fun challenge? 1440 01:00:28,708 --> 01:00:29,542 Hey... 1441 01:00:29,625 --> 01:00:30,750 she's taking my eggs! 1442 01:00:30,833 --> 01:00:32,167 - Hey, wait! - Okay. Let's go! 1443 01:00:32,250 --> 01:00:34,042 - Hey! - Let's go! Grab it! Go! 1444 01:00:34,125 --> 01:00:34,958 Grab what you can! 1445 01:00:35,042 --> 01:00:36,708 - Go! - What the heck are you doing? 1446 01:00:36,792 --> 01:00:39,000 - What are you doing? Those are my eggs! - Go! Go! 1447 01:00:39,083 --> 01:00:40,542 My precious eggs! 1448 01:00:40,625 --> 01:00:42,000 - No! 1449 01:00:42,167 --> 01:00:44,542 - Loved you in Three Billboards! - Shit! 1450 01:00:44,833 --> 01:00:47,000 Why didn't I get attack dogs? 1451 01:00:47,750 --> 01:00:48,750 Well, I... 1452 01:00:49,292 --> 01:00:51,292 still have $102 million dollars 1453 01:00:51,875 --> 01:00:54,042 in my savings account alone. Ah. 1454 01:00:54,750 --> 01:00:56,125 You'll be fine, Peter. 1455 01:00:56,333 --> 01:00:57,500 You're a survivor. 1456 01:00:57,833 --> 01:00:59,000 You will survive. 1457 01:01:03,167 --> 01:01:05,567 So, guys, got a little cash from selling Mr. Dinklage's eggs. 1458 01:01:05,875 --> 01:01:08,208 Now, all we have to do is get to Los Angeles by 9:00 a.m., 1459 01:01:08,375 --> 01:01:10,500 - and get this show to Mr. Will Ferrell. - Yes! 1460 01:01:10,583 --> 01:01:12,167 Get in! 1461 01:01:57,542 --> 01:01:58,542 What's this? 1462 01:02:00,708 --> 01:02:01,708 God. 1463 01:02:02,625 --> 01:02:03,875 Check my e-mail. 1464 01:02:15,375 --> 01:02:16,917 Password? Jesus. 1465 01:02:18,167 --> 01:02:19,167 Oh, it's "Jesus." 1466 01:02:22,000 --> 01:02:23,125 I always do that. 1467 01:02:30,292 --> 01:02:31,542 Oh, my God. 1468 01:02:32,708 --> 01:02:34,083 What happened to all my music? 1469 01:02:37,333 --> 01:02:38,667 Oh, God! 1470 01:02:52,167 --> 01:02:53,167 What happened? 1471 01:02:55,167 --> 01:02:56,042 Oh.. 1472 01:02:56,125 --> 01:02:57,125 God. 1473 01:02:59,333 --> 01:03:00,167 Are you ki... 1474 01:03:00,250 --> 01:03:01,833 - How did this happen? - What the fuck? 1475 01:03:02,667 --> 01:03:03,917 We're fucked. 1476 01:03:04,708 --> 01:03:06,708 We're never gonna make it to Los Angeles now. 1477 01:03:06,792 --> 01:03:07,917 Where are my ferns? 1478 01:03:10,167 --> 01:03:11,167 Where are the fer... 1479 01:03:12,292 --> 01:03:13,292 Wait! 1480 01:03:13,417 --> 01:03:14,417 Hey! 1481 01:03:15,167 --> 01:03:16,417 You animal! 1482 01:03:17,750 --> 01:03:18,750 My ferns! 1483 01:03:19,625 --> 01:03:20,625 My ferns! 1484 01:03:22,625 --> 01:03:23,667 They're ruined! 1485 01:03:25,625 --> 01:03:27,292 My ferns are ruined! 1486 01:03:27,458 --> 01:03:29,375 Zach, don't worry, we can get you new ferns. 1487 01:03:29,458 --> 01:03:32,042 What am I thinking? This is no way to get a talk show. 1488 01:03:32,542 --> 01:03:33,958 Driving around the country. 1489 01:03:34,042 --> 01:03:35,583 There's absolutely no way 1490 01:03:35,917 --> 01:03:37,792 we can make it to Los Angeles in time. 1491 01:03:37,875 --> 01:03:38,875 It's okay. 1492 01:03:38,917 --> 01:03:41,292 All we have to do is just walk the nearest town... 1493 01:03:41,375 --> 01:03:42,542 I'm no good for you guys. 1494 01:03:45,417 --> 01:03:46,417 So, get away from me. 1495 01:03:46,458 --> 01:03:48,708 It's over. I'm going back home. 1496 01:03:48,792 --> 01:03:50,083 Zach, you can't give up. 1497 01:03:50,583 --> 01:03:51,458 I need you. 1498 01:03:51,542 --> 01:03:53,667 Yeah? Well, I can't do it any more. 1499 01:03:56,125 --> 01:03:57,125 So, leave. 1500 01:04:00,500 --> 01:04:01,500 - Let's go. - Let's go. 1501 01:04:02,542 --> 01:04:03,542 We're going? 1502 01:04:08,375 --> 01:04:09,375 Are you sure? 1503 01:04:21,125 --> 01:04:23,667 ♪ The things you said are 1504 01:04:23,750 --> 01:04:29,917 ♪ Hanging in the middle of my mind Tonight ♪ 1505 01:04:31,292 --> 01:04:33,833 ♪ I can't turn them off ♪ 1506 01:04:34,583 --> 01:04:36,500 Okay, will you just stop filming, please? 1507 01:04:36,958 --> 01:04:38,708 You told me to get everything. 1508 01:04:40,042 --> 01:04:42,375 All right, thank you. Please just turn the cam... 1509 01:04:44,042 --> 01:04:45,042 Stop! 1510 01:04:45,458 --> 01:04:48,667 ♪ Brings me back here ♪ 1511 01:04:50,375 --> 01:04:56,083 ♪ Into the garden by the hand ♪ 1512 01:04:56,708 --> 01:05:00,958 ♪ You've always had me ♪ 1513 01:05:02,167 --> 01:05:05,458 ♪ Walking on a string ♪ 1514 01:05:07,583 --> 01:05:08,625 What can I get you? 1515 01:05:08,917 --> 01:05:10,333 Can I have an orange juice, please. 1516 01:05:11,125 --> 01:05:13,125 And, as you can see, Jim is still in the lead, 1517 01:05:13,208 --> 01:05:15,458 but we did have to deduct 250 points 1518 01:05:15,542 --> 01:05:18,542 because, during the break, our judges have ruled that Abraham Lincoln 1519 01:05:18,625 --> 01:05:19,458 There you go. 1520 01:05:19,542 --> 01:05:21,833 Was the 16th President of the United States. 1521 01:05:22,083 --> 01:05:23,958 Tina, from Houston, Texas. 1522 01:05:24,458 --> 01:05:26,167 Texas, represent! 1523 01:05:26,250 --> 01:05:29,333 And you said you had a very special reason for being here on the show tonight? 1524 01:05:29,875 --> 01:05:31,995 It's 'cause I'd love to take my friends on a vacation. 1525 01:05:32,042 --> 01:05:35,083 They really deserve it and they mean everything to me. 1526 01:05:36,083 --> 01:05:38,750 And I would love to show them that I am not a failure, 1527 01:05:39,167 --> 01:05:41,208 and that I just appreciate them. 1528 01:05:41,583 --> 01:05:42,833 So you feel like a failure now? 1529 01:05:43,333 --> 01:05:44,375 Currently, yeah. 1530 01:05:44,458 --> 01:05:47,667 - But you wanna prove that you are not one? - And I think I can do it today. 1531 01:05:48,000 --> 01:05:50,708 Well, Tina, you are down by quite a bit, 1532 01:05:50,917 --> 01:05:53,417 but you still have a chance to catch up and win. 1533 01:05:53,625 --> 01:05:55,125 That's why we call this show... 1534 01:05:55,208 --> 01:05:58,417 Don't Give Up! 1535 01:05:58,500 --> 01:05:59,500 Don't give up. 1536 01:05:59,625 --> 01:06:02,333 ♪ Walking on a string ♪ 1537 01:06:04,625 --> 01:06:07,042 ♪ Can't escape it ♪ 1538 01:06:07,875 --> 01:06:08,875 Carol! 1539 01:06:12,208 --> 01:06:13,208 Carol! 1540 01:06:14,125 --> 01:06:15,167 - Carol! - Zach! 1541 01:06:15,250 --> 01:06:17,125 - Oh, my God! Zach! - There you are. 1542 01:06:20,083 --> 01:06:21,083 You were right. 1543 01:06:21,292 --> 01:06:22,458 I should never give up. 1544 01:06:22,708 --> 01:06:24,184 I just want to thank you for believing in me. 1545 01:06:24,208 --> 01:06:26,893 No! Everything's fine, we found a guy who's gonna take us to Los Angeles. 1546 01:06:26,917 --> 01:06:28,226 - He's gonna drive us. - Get in the car! 1547 01:06:28,250 --> 01:06:29,750 - Yeah? - Let's go, get in the car! 1548 01:06:29,875 --> 01:06:31,542 We're doing it! We're doing it! 1549 01:06:46,000 --> 01:06:47,000 Thanks, Chuck! 1550 01:06:47,250 --> 01:06:49,917 Go, go, go. Bye! Thank you! 1551 01:06:50,958 --> 01:06:52,458 Come on, come on, come on, come on. 1552 01:06:54,458 --> 01:06:55,851 What time is it? Anybody know what time it is? 1553 01:06:55,875 --> 01:06:57,833 - No! - Nobody wears a watch anymore. 1554 01:06:57,917 --> 01:06:58,833 Come on. 1555 01:06:58,917 --> 01:07:00,000 Shit, go. 1556 01:07:00,750 --> 01:07:02,726 - Hey! You can't go in there. - This way! This way! 1557 01:07:02,750 --> 01:07:04,792 Just burst in, just go, go, go! 1558 01:07:13,000 --> 01:07:14,000 Mr. Ferrell? 1559 01:07:16,250 --> 01:07:18,792 Mr. Ferrell, it's Zach Galifianakis, 1560 01:07:19,375 --> 01:07:20,750 from the internet show. 1561 01:07:20,833 --> 01:07:23,083 I've got those tapes that you wanted. 1562 01:07:24,333 --> 01:07:25,333 Hello? 1563 01:07:28,583 --> 01:07:30,208 Jesus Christ! 1564 01:07:30,542 --> 01:07:31,458 What is that? 1565 01:07:31,542 --> 01:07:33,083 - It's a teeth whitener. - Oh. 1566 01:07:36,875 --> 01:07:37,875 Ah-ah-ah! 1567 01:07:38,792 --> 01:07:41,458 Gently place the bag on the floor and kick it over to me. 1568 01:07:42,458 --> 01:07:43,458 Slowly. 1569 01:07:44,792 --> 01:07:45,792 Slowly. 1570 01:07:47,750 --> 01:07:48,750 Gently. 1571 01:07:49,583 --> 01:07:50,583 Gently. 1572 01:07:52,042 --> 01:07:54,208 Now, kick it as hard as you can across the floor. 1573 01:07:56,250 --> 01:07:57,250 Keep kicking them. 1574 01:08:00,250 --> 01:08:02,250 That's as hard as you can kick? 1575 01:08:02,333 --> 01:08:03,333 - Do it. - You can... 1576 01:08:03,417 --> 01:08:05,458 Ah! Fu... 1577 01:08:05,542 --> 01:08:06,667 Push it, if you have to. 1578 01:08:17,958 --> 01:08:18,958 They're all there. 1579 01:08:27,375 --> 01:08:28,375 Episode ten. 1580 01:08:30,917 --> 01:08:32,083 Nice job, Zachy Baby. 1581 01:08:32,458 --> 01:08:34,726 I knew you were gonna say something like that. I told you right? 1582 01:08:34,750 --> 01:08:36,851 - Yeah, you did. - I said "Zachy Baby," and he said it. 1583 01:08:36,875 --> 01:08:38,583 You completed your task. 1584 01:08:40,125 --> 01:08:41,125 And now... 1585 01:08:42,625 --> 01:08:43,625 you may leave. 1586 01:08:45,583 --> 01:08:47,917 You told me that if I delivered those tapes, 1587 01:08:49,208 --> 01:08:50,768 you'd give me my own network talk show. 1588 01:08:51,625 --> 01:08:53,167 Our own talk show. 1589 01:08:53,542 --> 01:08:56,083 Are you forgetting the "pro" of the quid pro quo? 1590 01:08:56,167 --> 01:08:59,083 I asked you to deliver ten episodes of your show... 1591 01:08:59,167 --> 01:09:00,708 - Yeah. - By 9:00 a.m. 1592 01:09:01,083 --> 01:09:02,875 Yeah, it's 9:00 a.m. It's before 9:00 a.m. 1593 01:09:03,250 --> 01:09:04,250 9:00 a.m... 1594 01:09:05,458 --> 01:09:06,667 Tokyo time! 1595 01:09:07,250 --> 01:09:09,208 Before the markets open! 1596 01:09:09,875 --> 01:09:11,833 I can't do anything with these! 1597 01:09:12,083 --> 01:09:13,833 They are worthless to me, 1598 01:09:13,917 --> 01:09:15,333 you fat idiot! 1599 01:09:17,667 --> 01:09:19,268 - How could we have known? - There's no way... 1600 01:09:19,292 --> 01:09:20,917 It makes sense, though. Let's just go. 1601 01:09:21,000 --> 01:09:22,480 Let's just get out of here. I'm so... 1602 01:09:22,583 --> 01:09:23,750 Mr. Galifianakis? 1603 01:09:23,917 --> 01:09:24,750 Yes? 1604 01:09:24,833 --> 01:09:26,208 Your television contract. 1605 01:09:28,417 --> 01:09:30,917 For one big, fancy network talk show. 1606 01:09:37,458 --> 01:09:38,858 What is this? What... what is this? 1607 01:09:39,000 --> 01:09:40,917 I was fucking with you! 1608 01:09:41,000 --> 01:09:43,417 - What, you mean... - You know why I was fucking with you? 1609 01:09:44,042 --> 01:09:46,375 Because that's what celebrities do to each other. 1610 01:09:47,542 --> 01:09:48,917 You were just Clooney-ed. 1611 01:09:49,000 --> 01:09:50,000 What? 1612 01:09:50,083 --> 01:09:50,958 You won. 1613 01:09:51,042 --> 01:09:52,958 I'm getting my own network talk show? 1614 01:09:53,042 --> 01:09:54,875 You're about to be a TV star! 1615 01:09:54,958 --> 01:09:57,167 God Almighty! 1616 01:09:57,250 --> 01:09:59,333 - Yeah! - On TV, not the internet? 1617 01:09:59,417 --> 01:10:01,042 My God! Zach! 1618 01:10:01,125 --> 01:10:02,833 - Yeah! - You did it! 1619 01:10:02,917 --> 01:10:03,917 So exciting. 1620 01:10:10,208 --> 01:10:11,458 My two ferns... 1621 01:10:13,042 --> 01:10:14,583 you know, they were destroyed and... 1622 01:10:16,208 --> 01:10:18,167 I don't know if I can do a show without them. 1623 01:10:18,250 --> 01:10:20,083 You sign that contract... 1624 01:10:21,292 --> 01:10:22,375 and I'll give you something 1625 01:10:22,875 --> 01:10:24,333 way better than two ferns. 1626 01:10:25,208 --> 01:10:26,208 Three ferns? 1627 01:10:28,333 --> 01:10:30,542 - Twenty? - No, four ferns 1628 01:10:30,625 --> 01:10:31,625 Four fer... 1629 01:10:32,083 --> 01:10:33,792 - Four ferns? - Four ferns! 1630 01:10:36,042 --> 01:10:37,667 Gaya! Come on! 1631 01:10:39,292 --> 01:10:42,167 USA! USA! 1632 01:10:42,250 --> 01:10:43,250 US... 1633 01:10:55,042 --> 01:10:56,625 Hi, welcome back, I'm Zachy G, 1634 01:10:56,708 --> 01:10:59,125 and you're watching my first episode of... 1635 01:10:59,583 --> 01:11:00,583 Ferns. 1636 01:11:04,000 --> 01:11:06,708 Give it up for DJ Flop! 1637 01:11:08,167 --> 01:11:09,667 What's going on, Zachy G? 1638 01:11:11,458 --> 01:11:12,458 Okay, 1639 01:11:12,708 --> 01:11:15,042 let's get to our very first guest ever. 1640 01:11:15,583 --> 01:11:16,833 According to Wikipedia, 1641 01:11:16,917 --> 01:11:18,667 she is 5 ft. 10, 1642 01:11:18,792 --> 01:11:21,125 and was born April 30th, 1985. 1643 01:11:21,417 --> 01:11:24,125 Please welcome our guest, Gal Gadot! 1644 01:11:24,583 --> 01:11:25,667 Oh, Gal! 1645 01:11:28,333 --> 01:11:30,250 - Hey! How are you? - Hi. 1646 01:11:30,333 --> 01:11:31,333 Ooh. 1647 01:11:33,375 --> 01:11:34,375 - Thank you. - Thank you. 1648 01:11:34,417 --> 01:11:35,833 Thank you so much for having me. 1649 01:11:35,917 --> 01:11:36,958 Hey, everyone. 1650 01:11:38,125 --> 01:11:38,958 Ah. 1651 01:11:39,042 --> 01:11:41,000 Oh, how wonderful is this? 1652 01:11:41,083 --> 01:11:42,667 Gal Gadot's here! 1653 01:11:43,750 --> 01:11:45,250 Thank you so much for having me, 1654 01:11:45,333 --> 01:11:49,167 and I'm so honored to be the first guest on your first show. 1655 01:11:49,708 --> 01:11:51,875 I've never been someone's first before, so that's... 1656 01:11:53,708 --> 01:11:55,375 All right, so, uh, Gal, 1657 01:11:55,583 --> 01:11:57,708 here comes my first question. 1658 01:11:58,917 --> 01:12:01,292 Now, Gal, you played Wonder Woman. 1659 01:12:01,417 --> 01:12:02,833 I'm wondering, woman, 1660 01:12:02,958 --> 01:12:03,958 how fun was that? 1661 01:12:06,542 --> 01:12:09,667 It was amazing, it was so much fun. 1662 01:12:39,000 --> 01:12:41,042 The ratings are solid in all four quadrants. 1663 01:12:41,125 --> 01:12:42,667 A slight dip in seniors over 80, 1664 01:12:42,750 --> 01:12:44,510 but you make up for it with pregnant mothers, 1665 01:12:44,542 --> 01:12:46,375 which technically counts as watching for two. 1666 01:12:47,125 --> 01:12:48,000 Oh, hey, guys. 1667 01:12:48,083 --> 01:12:49,458 Can I have a minute with them? 1668 01:12:49,542 --> 01:12:50,542 Sure. 1669 01:12:52,708 --> 01:12:53,583 You saw that, huh? 1670 01:12:53,667 --> 01:12:54,667 - Yeah, we did. - Yeah. 1671 01:12:54,708 --> 01:12:55,792 What was that all about? 1672 01:12:55,875 --> 01:12:57,292 I thought it was so good! 1673 01:12:57,583 --> 01:12:59,750 I mean, did you see the chemistry between me and Gal? 1674 01:13:00,042 --> 01:13:01,417 It was unbelievable, 1675 01:13:01,500 --> 01:13:03,292 the back-and-forth we had. 1676 01:13:03,375 --> 01:13:04,768 I don't think that's what Carol meant. 1677 01:13:04,792 --> 01:13:06,917 Yeah, it's different from what you usually do. 1678 01:13:07,000 --> 01:13:08,125 Okay, yeah, all right, so, 1679 01:13:08,208 --> 01:13:10,708 Mr. Ferrell and I talked about the old me, 1680 01:13:11,333 --> 01:13:14,292 and the old me is not gonna work for this, you guys. 1681 01:13:15,000 --> 01:13:16,875 This is the new me, this is the new ZG. 1682 01:13:16,958 --> 01:13:18,625 Celebrities don't wanna be insulted, 1683 01:13:18,708 --> 01:13:20,792 they just wanna talk about their fascinating lives. 1684 01:13:20,917 --> 01:13:22,750 But, don't you kind of feel like a sell-out? 1685 01:13:22,833 --> 01:13:24,153 Can you really call it a sell-out 1686 01:13:24,208 --> 01:13:26,208 when they give you a free Tesla for doing the show? 1687 01:13:26,292 --> 01:13:28,417 That's literally the definition of selling out. 1688 01:13:28,500 --> 01:13:30,500 Zach, do you really wanna be like Will Ferrell? 1689 01:13:30,583 --> 01:13:31,917 Some washed-up has-been 1690 01:13:32,000 --> 01:13:34,208 who takes cameos in Hollywood movies 1691 01:13:34,292 --> 01:13:36,167 just to get another day's worth of cocaine? 1692 01:13:36,250 --> 01:13:39,667 You know, I didn't even like you before we took this trip to Hollywood, 1693 01:13:39,750 --> 01:13:42,417 but at least then I knew who you were. 1694 01:13:42,625 --> 01:13:45,333 I don't know who this person is that you're pretending to be. 1695 01:13:46,833 --> 01:13:48,458 So, are you just saying that I should... 1696 01:13:49,708 --> 01:13:51,083 just forget everything? Just... 1697 01:13:52,458 --> 01:13:54,667 just drop my dreams, my childhood dreams? 1698 01:13:56,667 --> 01:13:59,375 Zach, we need you on set to shoot promos for tomorrow's show. 1699 01:14:00,708 --> 01:14:03,375 Zach, we're leaving. We're going to drive back to North Carolina. 1700 01:14:03,458 --> 01:14:05,875 Shirl called and said they rebuilt the studio. 1701 01:14:06,125 --> 01:14:07,625 We can have our old jobs back. 1702 01:14:08,417 --> 01:14:10,500 Carol, you're the one that told me never to give up. 1703 01:14:11,500 --> 01:14:13,792 I know, and I still believe in you, Zach, but... 1704 01:14:15,125 --> 01:14:16,208 this isn't you. 1705 01:14:17,458 --> 01:14:19,250 Zach? Are you coming? 1706 01:14:49,000 --> 01:14:50,000 Hey, guys! 1707 01:14:50,417 --> 01:14:51,875 Wait for me! I had to get my ferns. 1708 01:14:51,958 --> 01:14:52,833 - Zach! - What? 1709 01:14:52,917 --> 01:14:55,000 We thought you chose the show over us? 1710 01:14:55,167 --> 01:14:57,167 What, just 'cause I walked into the studio silently 1711 01:14:57,208 --> 01:14:58,750 without telling you what I was doing? 1712 01:14:58,833 --> 01:14:59,833 Have more faith. 1713 01:14:59,917 --> 01:15:01,292 Of course I'm going with you guys! 1714 01:15:01,375 --> 01:15:02,750 - You're coming? - Yes! 1715 01:15:02,833 --> 01:15:04,292 - You're coming with us? - Yes! 1716 01:15:04,375 --> 01:15:06,583 All right! Let's go. Let's go. 1717 01:15:06,667 --> 01:15:07,667 Yes! 1718 01:15:08,542 --> 01:15:09,833 Carol, you were right. 1719 01:15:10,333 --> 01:15:11,833 Hollywood's not for us. 1720 01:15:12,625 --> 01:15:15,167 It has a need to sanitize everything, 1721 01:15:15,250 --> 01:15:17,375 to slap a happy ending on everything. 1722 01:15:17,458 --> 01:15:19,167 So, let's get out of here 1723 01:15:19,583 --> 01:15:21,542 and drive off into the sunset together. 1724 01:15:22,625 --> 01:15:24,250 'Cause all I need are my friends, 1725 01:15:24,750 --> 01:15:25,750 my show, 1726 01:15:26,208 --> 01:15:27,208 and my ferns. 1727 01:15:33,708 --> 01:15:34,917 We'll just get some new ones. 1728 01:15:35,500 --> 01:15:36,708 - I'll drive. - Okay. 1729 01:15:43,875 --> 01:15:45,792 Bradley Co... Bradley Coper. 1730 01:15:46,333 --> 01:15:47,893 - Cooper. Yeah. - Bradly Cooper co-wrote, 1731 01:15:47,917 --> 01:15:50,208 produced, directed and starred in A Star Is Born. 1732 01:15:50,292 --> 01:15:51,125 I haven't seen it. 1733 01:15:51,208 --> 01:15:54,083 Are you hoping that will open doors for other hot idiots? 1734 01:15:58,000 --> 01:15:59,333 It's such a good question! 1735 01:16:02,833 --> 01:16:03,667 So sorry. 1736 01:16:03,792 --> 01:16:05,333 - Oh... - I'm so sorry. 1737 01:16:05,417 --> 01:16:06,625 Let's take that one back. 1738 01:16:06,708 --> 01:16:09,375 And, uh, we had this young woman, 1739 01:16:09,542 --> 01:16:11,417 heroic young woman, Malala... 1740 01:16:12,292 --> 01:16:13,667 uh, on the show, 1741 01:16:14,250 --> 01:16:15,333 and, um... 1742 01:16:15,750 --> 01:16:18,667 Known the world over, not big in North America. 1743 01:16:18,750 --> 01:16:20,625 You, I can tell by that look 1744 01:16:20,708 --> 01:16:22,428 that you have no idea who I'm talking about. 1745 01:16:22,500 --> 01:16:24,340 - Yeah, I know who you're talking about. - Who? 1746 01:16:24,458 --> 01:16:25,958 Adam Carolla, is that who you said? 1747 01:16:30,500 --> 01:16:32,083 That's why I have this look on my face. 1748 01:16:33,333 --> 01:16:34,167 Wow. 1749 01:16:34,250 --> 01:16:35,410 If you didn't have an accent, 1750 01:16:35,458 --> 01:16:38,458 do you think people would be able to tell that you're not a very good actor? 1751 01:16:44,542 --> 01:16:45,542 Please keep going. 1752 01:16:46,083 --> 01:16:48,083 I read online that you're very private 1753 01:16:48,167 --> 01:16:50,750 and decline to answer questions that make you feel uncomfortable. 1754 01:16:50,833 --> 01:16:52,042 This is a two-parter. 1755 01:16:52,750 --> 01:16:55,500 Is that true? And how old were you when you got your period? 1756 01:16:58,500 --> 01:16:59,875 Do you ever go to the DMZ? 1757 01:17:00,708 --> 01:17:03,375 - No. - It's a combination of TMZ and the DMV. 1758 01:17:03,458 --> 01:17:05,417 That's just a bunch of people... 1759 01:17:05,750 --> 01:17:06,917 sitting around... 1760 01:17:08,875 --> 01:17:11,708 Talking about their drivers' licenses. 1761 01:17:14,167 --> 01:17:16,292 Talking about celebrity drivers' licenses. 1762 01:17:17,500 --> 01:17:20,000 "Oh, my gosh, she's got a C-class on hers." 1763 01:17:21,333 --> 01:17:22,333 "Oh... 1764 01:17:22,708 --> 01:17:25,333 James Franco wears corrective lenses." 1765 01:17:31,083 --> 01:17:33,125 - You used to live in your car. - Yeah. 1766 01:17:33,250 --> 01:17:35,292 Is it as fun as it sounds, or is there a downside? 1767 01:17:42,000 --> 01:17:44,208 Would you say that your work in La La Land 1768 01:17:44,542 --> 01:17:45,750 really helped pave the way 1769 01:17:45,833 --> 01:17:48,208 for white people to explain jazz to black people? 1770 01:17:48,292 --> 01:17:49,292 Sorry! 1771 01:17:53,958 --> 01:17:55,838 All right. Let me get that out. Sorry, you guys. 1772 01:17:55,875 --> 01:17:57,917 We'll be right back with Who Gives A Shit? 1773 01:18:01,917 --> 01:18:04,375 I mean, what, did you read something last night 1774 01:18:04,458 --> 01:18:06,750 and were so eager to come tell a bunch of young people 1775 01:18:06,833 --> 01:18:08,125 about what you read? 1776 01:18:09,750 --> 01:18:10,875 Yes, I did. 1777 01:18:11,708 --> 01:18:12,917 I did do a lot of reading. 1778 01:18:13,042 --> 01:18:15,958 When you and Woody Harrelson are acting in a scene together, 1779 01:18:16,042 --> 01:18:19,083 are you sad that somewhere there's a sack not being hackied? 1780 01:18:24,292 --> 01:18:25,292 That's good. 1781 01:18:25,458 --> 01:18:27,042 "A sack not being hackied." 1782 01:18:27,542 --> 01:18:30,000 What was the marijuana budget on True Detective? 1783 01:18:34,208 --> 01:18:35,208 And are you... 1784 01:18:35,333 --> 01:18:37,013 Have you smoked a lot of that budget today? 1785 01:18:38,542 --> 01:18:39,542 Oh, shit. 1786 01:18:39,625 --> 01:18:41,458 - You know a guy that has a Tesla? - Mm-hmm. 1787 01:18:44,500 --> 01:18:45,583 I won the EGOF. 1788 01:18:45,708 --> 01:18:46,542 Hmm? 1789 01:18:46,625 --> 01:18:47,958 - You know what an EGOT is? - No. 1790 01:18:48,083 --> 01:18:50,250 Oh, an EGOT! Stupid! 1791 01:18:50,875 --> 01:18:52,667 It's amazing that this is even a thing. 1792 01:18:53,000 --> 01:18:54,000 An EGOT? 1793 01:18:54,042 --> 01:18:54,875 Or this thing? 1794 01:18:54,958 --> 01:18:56,000 This. 1795 01:18:56,083 --> 01:18:58,542 I wasn't talking about the EGOT! I really... 1796 01:19:00,417 --> 01:19:02,792 I was talking about this. Exactly. 1797 01:19:05,208 --> 01:19:07,042 There's a kid on the Disney Channel. 1798 01:19:07,500 --> 01:19:09,083 Uh, Chad... 1799 01:19:09,500 --> 01:19:10,333 Farthouse. 1800 01:19:10,417 --> 01:19:12,667 He's on one of... Wizards Of Waverly Place. 1801 01:19:17,542 --> 01:19:19,101 - Your face... - How does anybody do this? 1802 01:19:19,125 --> 01:19:20,125 - Sorry. - Your face. 1803 01:19:20,167 --> 01:19:21,375 - Sorry. - Is not helping. 1804 01:19:21,458 --> 01:19:23,042 Chad Far... 1805 01:19:24,458 --> 01:19:25,458 Do you hear that? 1806 01:19:25,875 --> 01:19:26,958 No, I don't hear anything. 1807 01:19:27,208 --> 01:19:28,708 That is the sound of everybody 1808 01:19:28,792 --> 01:19:31,208 talking about your performance in Big Little Lies. 1809 01:19:32,917 --> 01:19:33,917 No one cares. 1810 01:19:36,583 --> 01:19:37,583 It's so mean! 1811 01:19:39,500 --> 01:19:41,300 Your parents got divorced when you were seven. 1812 01:19:42,208 --> 01:19:43,208 Was that your fault? 1813 01:19:45,833 --> 01:19:46,667 And guess why? 1814 01:19:46,750 --> 01:19:50,208 They named their daughter after a fucking piece of cheese. 1815 01:19:53,125 --> 01:19:55,833 Again, I'd like to thank crystal meth Santa Claus for being here. 1816 01:20:00,458 --> 01:20:03,167 Don Draper's suit hangs in the Smithsonian Museum 1817 01:20:03,250 --> 01:20:04,309 - Yes, it does. - It's an honor. 1818 01:20:04,333 --> 01:20:06,333 - Yeah! - Right next to the Cosby sweaters? 1819 01:20:17,708 --> 01:20:19,167 - Okay. - No! 1820 01:20:19,375 --> 01:20:21,083 What advice would you give to a young actor 1821 01:20:21,167 --> 01:20:23,458 who wants to hide his Jewishness as well as you have? 1822 01:20:33,500 --> 01:20:35,875 You know what happens when a Jewish guy 1823 01:20:36,333 --> 01:20:39,250 walks into a brick wall with a full erection? 1824 01:20:40,667 --> 01:20:42,167 - What? - He breaks his nose. 1825 01:20:44,333 --> 01:20:45,625 I knew that was the answer! 1826 01:20:46,958 --> 01:20:48,542 I did too, and I laughed! 1827 01:20:48,625 --> 01:20:51,345 - I've told that joke for 20... - Did you just come up with the joke? 1828 01:20:51,708 --> 01:20:53,250 That's a joke you've told before? 1829 01:21:02,625 --> 01:21:03,625 And... 1830 01:21:04,083 --> 01:21:05,542 that's the end of your movie, right? 1831 01:21:05,958 --> 01:21:07,250 Yeah. And cut. 1832 01:21:07,708 --> 01:21:10,333 Thanks, guys, thank you very much for your time. Thank you. 1833 01:21:10,458 --> 01:21:12,333 Thank you so much for doing this. Uh... 1834 01:21:12,458 --> 01:21:15,167 I think it's gonna be good. I hope my professor gives me an A. 1835 01:21:15,250 --> 01:21:16,250 What? 1836 01:21:17,292 --> 01:21:18,972 Your professor? What are you talking about? 1837 01:21:19,000 --> 01:21:20,625 Yeah, this is a student film. 1838 01:21:20,875 --> 01:21:22,675 I'm a student at Appalachian State University. 1839 01:21:22,875 --> 01:21:23,958 Student film? 1840 01:21:24,292 --> 01:21:25,875 Yeah, I told you that at the beginning. 1841 01:21:25,958 --> 01:21:27,500 So, nobody's gonna see this? 1842 01:21:27,750 --> 01:21:29,458 Well, my professor's gonna see it. 1843 01:21:29,667 --> 01:21:30,667 And the students. 1844 01:21:31,083 --> 01:21:32,309 There's, like, 12 people in my class. 1845 01:21:32,333 --> 01:21:33,542 And I'll show my parents. 1846 01:21:35,083 --> 01:21:36,603 Get the fuck out of my office, please. 1847 01:21:37,250 --> 01:21:38,333 Excuse me? 1848 01:21:38,417 --> 01:21:40,333 Get the fudge out of my office, please. 1849 01:21:40,750 --> 01:21:43,768 I said "fuck" the first time, now I'm saying "fudge" 'cause it's more polite, 1850 01:21:43,792 --> 01:21:45,250 but get the fuck out of my office. 1851 01:21:45,458 --> 01:21:47,125 Geez. Sorry. 1852 01:21:56,250 --> 01:21:58,083 It could've been in 3D! 126151

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