All language subtitles for Abbott.And.Costello.In.The.Navy.1941.720p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG

Imagine waiting eight
weeks to get tickets.

And when he sings, I feel
he's singing just to me.

I don't want to miss a note.

Aww, who wants to hear him sing?

You do.

And I had to give up a
good poker game for this.

Emily!

Keep moving, folks.

That, ladies and
gentlemen, was Russ Raymond,

America's singing heartthrob, presenting

that brand-new number,
"Star Light, Star Bright."

And so Fluffso Soap, the
soap that does fluff so,

brings to a close the 333rd
program of Russ Raymond.

If you wish an autographed
picture of Russ Raymond,

America's singing heartthrob...

Hi Pete.

Hi Dynamite.

Where do you gobs want off?

Oh, just dump us off anywhere.

Okay.

Ready?

- Thanks a lot.
- Okay.

Come here!

Whew, boy.

Have you still got the letter?

- I got it right here.
- Swell.

Tommy Halstead, Conquistador Hotel.

This guy must be a big shot if the captain

sends him private messages.

I still don't understand why the captain

picked you to deliver a message.

Because I'm the
smartest man in the Navy.

How do you figure that?

He said it was impossible for anybody

to teach me anything.

Look out!

Why don't you look where you're going?

Hello.

What's the matter with you guys?

Ain't you got any sense?

You wanna hurt somebody?

You wouldn't drive like that
if there was a cop around here!

You bet.

How do you like that, there ain't a cop

within a mile of this place.

Nobody would ever drive like that.

Go call me a policeman?

- Sure.
- What?

Hey, didn't you sailors hear

that officer blow his whistle?

Yes.

Well what do you think he's
doing, giving bird imitations?

Or does he look like a peanut stand?

You oughta know there's
a law against jaywalkin'.

He knows it, give him a ticket.

Now wait a minute, Smokey.

Keep out of this!

Don't tell him to give me a ticket.

I'll get you out of it.

What are you worried about?

You'll get me out of
this in a patrol wagon.

I don't like to give a sailor a ticket.

You heard what he said, he don't wanna

give a sailor a ticket.

But it's your duty, give him a ticket.

Smokey, let's leave the man alone.

You keep quiet.

I insist that you give him a ticket.

Persistent sort of a guy.

He insists you give me a ticket.

Just keep quiet, he can't bluff me.

Go ahead, give him one.

Okay, if you insist.

What's your name?

Pomeroy Watson.

What ship?

No ship.

I ain't ever been on a boat.

What?

I only been in the Navy six years.

Never been to sea?

No sir.

Revolting, isn't it?

Next time watch your step.

Both of you.

My first ticket, and I
wasn't even driving a car.

See what you get me?

See what I get on account of you people?

Are you gonna let him bluff you?

Tear it up.

It's no good?

Tear it up, go on!

He can't do anything to you.

Okay.

Hey, what's the idea?

That was his idea.

Yeah?

Tell that to the Marines.

That was his idea.

I got a ticket...

Hey, listen.

A clown in a sailor's suit, huh?

Let's see how well you
entertain the boys in the brig.

Wait a minute, you gotta let him

deliver the captain's letter first.

Yeah.

Okay, you go ahead
and deliver that letter

and then report back to the base.

I'm not gonna have any trouble
out of either one of you.

Okay.

You gonna let that big
lug get away with that?

I'm gonna call him and
you're going to tell him off.

Wait a minute, Smokey.

Every time you open up my
mouth, you get me in trouble.

- All right.
- Come on.

We'll deliver the letter.

- Hey Smokey.
- What?

What a cute kid.

Hello, how are you?

Give me the letter.

Get that letter, will you?

There's the letter.

Pick it up, hurry up.

Okay, now let's get going.

Oh.

Oh!

In trouble again, huh?

Look, can't we fix this all up?

Not with me, sailor.

Hey, here's your money.

Oh, trying to bribe me, huh?

Pomeroy Watson.

No, I was only trying to...

Yeah, I know.

Well you can take your money
and get out of this area

and stay out.

I know, but this money isn't...

You heard me, get outta here.

Okay.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Hey!

Who is it?

The Navy!

Come in, boys.

Get in here.

Are you Thomas Halstead?

That's right.

I got a letter for you.

Thanks.

You boys always deliver
dirty letters like this?

Oh no, I wouldn't even
look at a dirty postcard.

"Mr. Halstead, enclosed..."

The CO wants an answer.

You boys make
yourselves at home.

Hey, we're very sorry,
we'd like to, but we can't.

You see, I got a lot of shopping to do.

Shopping?

- Yeah.
- Where'd you get...

No you don't.

I'm gonna buy every record
the Andrews Sisters ever made.

I'm gonna buy that one record.

That ta, ta, ta-da-da.

We'll be right back.

All right.

Don't push.

Don't give me that.

You can't spend that money.

No?

No, that money belongs
to that shore patrol.

That's tainted.

'Tain't his?

It is his!

'Tain't mine?

You oughta be ashamed of yourself,

what would your mother say?

- I don't know.
- Yeah.

What'll I do?

Throw it away.

Okay.

What are you whistling at?

- Chambermaid.
- Chambermaid?

You oughta be ashamed of
yourself, whistling at...

Just the maid, sir.

Would you mind coming
back a little later, please?

But I have to make up your bed, sir.

It's been made.

Oh, but this is the morning
we give you fresh blankets

treated with ultraviolet.

Conquistador service, sir.

I beg your pardon, sir.

The Navy!

Well, that's a pretty nice
camera for a chambermaid.

Well, it's a hobby of mine.

Even chambermaids have hobbies.

Well if you want a hobby,
try learning to make beds.

Come back here with that camera of mine!

You've got no right!

I oughta hammer your
little toy into an ashtray,

sneaking in here like this..

You happen to be news,
Mr. Raymond, big news.

Why the disappearance act?

Because, oh, that's
none of your business.

It's the public's business.

I don't think it is.

Well they do, and you've got no right

to take a run out on the
people who made you famous.

They're entitled to know.

What about me?

Don't you think I'm entitled
to a little private life?

Look, lady, I assure
you I'm not ungrateful.

I only want to spend the
next six years of my life

being just plain me, Tommy Halstead.

Not Russ Raymond, America's
singing heartthrob.

Do you get it?

So you picked the Navy.

Yes ma'am, I'm in the Navy.

I'm a sailor.

Just a plain simple gob.

And believe me, that's gonna be something.

Believe me, that's gonna
be a whale of a story.

Over my dead body.

If you print that, do you realize

what my life in the Navy would be?

Gee, not so good.

Not so good's right.

You know, I never
thought of it like that.

I'm really sorry.

Here, let's take the
film and get rid of this.

Good.

Excuse me, boys.

Well, that's a fine how do you do.

I'm fine thanks, how are you?

I'm all right.

Oh, come on.

Not so much noise, keep quiet.

What are you gonna do?

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!

I never seen anything like this.

Boy, can you imagine this?

What do you see?

Nothin'.

They got the key in the door.

Oh!

Ow!

Ow!

Watch the birdie!

You want some ice water?

Don't, that hurts.

Ow!

Stop it!

Ow!

Halstead?

H-A-L-S-T-E-A-D?

You say he enlisted today?

See, that proves it.

Simply proves that
a fella named Halstead

enlisted in the Navy.

How do I know that
Halstead is Russ Raymond?

Brownie.

- Because I told you so.
- Here, take these.

Because I brought this
picture to prove it.

That headless wonder could be anyone.

Very clever fake, Miss
Roberts, but it won't work.

Why are you so sure I'm faking it?

Well, first of all, no
sane man would give up

a $100,000-a-year job to
be a $21-a-month sailor.

And second, his disappearance
was a publicity stunt.

And third, you've been trying
to get a staff assignment

for the past six months.

Good day, Miss Roberts.

Mr. Travers, I'll get you
a picture of Russ Raymond.

I'll prove that he's Tommy Halstead

and that he has enlisted in the Navy.

Okay, go ahead.

And I'll double the circulation
of this magazine overnight.

But you get me enough pictures
for a four-page layout,

showing Raymond as a rookie sailor,

and I'll make magazine history.

Oh, the Andrews Sisters.

Drive through.

Say, I thought there were
three girls in a trio.

There are.

Then something's wrong.

That trio's a foursome.

How long have you been handling

publicity for the Navy?

Just a short while, Miss Andrews.

I only volunteer my
services when it's vital.

Men, when you came here eight weeks ago,

you only looked like sailors.

Now, you are sailors.

You've worked hard and
you've learned fast.

You've had to learn fast,
because these are perilous times.

Today, more than ever
before in our history,

130 million Americans
depend upon the vigilance

of the United States Navy
to patrol our two oceans

and to guard us from any and all enemies.

You men, the enlisted personnel,

are the Navy, the backbone of the fleet.

Remember what you stand for.

Good luck, good voyage,
and keep your ship afloat.

Oh Miss Roberts!

Yes?

Do you know Pomeroy?

Pomeroy?

Pomeroy Watson, the
best sailor in the Navy.

He's tall, dark, and then some.

That's what he says in his letters.

And he's living for
the moment when he can

crush me in his arms.

And you've never seen him?

Not yet.

Oh, there he is, over
there by the cannon.

Is that for me?

Go on and surprise him,
I'm sure he'd love it.

Oh, do you think so?

I'm sure of it.

Of course he would.

Go on, throw your arms around him.

Oh boy, oh boy.

Come on, Max.

Honey, here's your dream gal.

Well look who's here!

The Andrews!

Of all people.

Well what are you doing here?

Hello, Laverne.

Aren't we surprised?

Am I surprised.

Oh, excuse me a minute, will you?

Well, looking for somebody?

Yes, I need a convoy.

Well, what's the matter
sailor, what's wrong?

Well...

Oh, you found my purse,
thanks for returning it.

Well come on, you boob,
give the lady her purse.

Certainly, Chief,
certainly, there you are.

I believe this was in it.

Too bad the light got to it.

You must come up sometime and
see my candid camera shots.

Sorry I had to run away like that, girls.

Oh, we're the ones that are sorry, Russ,

it was a frame-up.

Yeah, I'm afraid you're right.

What are you girls doing in the Navy?

She's getting in for a sailor.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Say, do you know a hunk of stuff

by the name of Pomeroy Watson?

Pomeroy Watson?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, Pomeroy.

Give way, fast!

Fast as you can.

There he is, right over
there, in charge of those men.

Oh, I might have known he'd
be in charge of something.

Oh, he's a big man around here.

I never heard of such a
thing before in all my life.

Say, is he standing in a hole?

- Hey, Pomey!
- Huh?

There's Patty and the girls.

Well, every sailor
can't be a Charles Boyer.

Now men, I want you
guys to pay more attention

to my commands!

Now, every one of yous, up oars!

That's enough, that's enough.

What happened, what happened?

It's mutiny, that's what it is.

Put 'em down!

Put 'em down.

Don't forget it.

All I said was, "up oars."

Now that's the camel that
broke the straw's back!

Put 'em down, put 'em down!

Put 'em down.

This is mutiny, that's what it is, mutiny.

I'll put you on the brig, on
bread and water for 30 days.

All you of guys.

No more noise from anybody!

Give way, fast!

Faster.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, pick up sticks.

Faster, faster!

Come on, faster!

Much faster.

Much...

Stop the boat.

Stop.

That's enough.

That's enough, stop the boat.

Stop the boat.

Stop the boat!

That's enough!

What's the matter?

I'm gettin' seasick.

Oh.

Oh.

What's the matter?

What's the matter?

Give him a break, Chief.

He's just trying to impress his girl.

Sailor, that's not what the Navy's for.

I hope that petty officer
don't get wise to this.

What do I care about the petty officer?

I've got no use for a petty officer.

So I see!

And I don't like pastry
cooks who try to pretend

that they're sailors.

I was only...

Only trying to be a big shot, I know.

Suppose you get back to the galley

and order some of those
biscuits into the oven.

Not until I get ready.

I'm ready.

Hello.

Pomeroy Watson!

The big shot turns out
to be a blank cartridge.

Why, Patty, I...

Oh, come on, girls.

Hey, baker, I thought I
sent you back to the galley.

Well, I...

Quiet!

By the way, where's that money

you took away from me on
the street the other day?

Oh, I wasn't gonna keep that money.

I was gonna give it to you,
I was only looking for you.

Hello, Pomey, old boy.

You shut up!

The whole darn thing is your fault.

Now don't...

You told me to write to that
girl and tell her I was 6'2".

All right, now wait a minute.

And you told me to tell
her I had eyes of blue.

You know I ain't got eyes of blue.

I know that.

And you go ahead and tell me

that I'm supposed to tell her
I'm an admiral in the Navy.

You know all I am is a baker.

Oh, do I have trouble.

There's no harm done.

Smokey, you not only
wrecked my whole life,

but you spoiled my whole day.

Shame on you!

You hit me.

Shame on me too.

You hit me!

Smokey, I must be losing my mind.

I didn't mean to hit you, Smokey.

Smokey, please believe me.

I'd never lay my hands on
you, Smokey, you know that.

Smokey, hit me right in the face.

Go ahead.

Lot of good that will do.

Make up for that, Smokey.

Hit me right in the
face and make me happy.

Go ahead, Smokey, hit me right there.

And I had to coax him to do it.

Attention!

Flotsam and Jetsam.

We sure did fool you.

Oh, lookie, doughnuts!

Hey you kids, get away
from those doughnuts.

It's okay, they're the
commanding officer's nephews.

Hey Dizzy, come here.

Where's that coat I had made, you know,

the one I want for shore leave?

- The white one?
- The white one.

In the clothes closet.

Get it for me.

Let's see it.

It's a pip.

Steal it over here.

Hey Smokey!

There you are, Joe, it's all fixed.

Thanks, that's fine.

Smokey, how do you like the coat?

Oh, that's swell.

You look like a battle wagon.

I'm gonna enjoy myself because I got

plenty of money to do it.

Hey!

I'm gonna spend every dime on Patty.

Where'd you get all that?

Well, I didn't know
you had all that money.

Oh sure.

Why didn't you tell a fellow?

You got a certain look
in your eye I don't like.

Oh, now behave, I'm your friend.

What're you doing?

Oh, that's a little
game, a little game called

find the submarine.

Like to play games?

You see, that's a submarine.

That's a lemon.

Well, we call it a submarine.

That's the Atlantic Ocean,
that's the Pacific Ocean,

and that's the Indian Ocean.

I place it in one of the oceans,

and if you find the
submarine, then you win.

Oh, then it's different,
then we'll play.

Get your money out, let's play.

All right, now you get
the idea of the game.

All right, now, watch it.

See it there?

There you are, we put
it in the Pacific Ocean.

Keep your eye on it.

Now, tell me where it is.

- I'll take this one over here.
- How much?

- $10.
- It wasn't there?

I swear it was, the
submarine was under there.

Well, it wasn't there, I can't help it.

It got away.

Can you imagine that.

Well, they do that.

All right, here you are, you see it there?

Now how can you go wrong?

It's just a little twist of the wrist.

Where she goes, no one knows.

I'll take this one for $10 more.

10 more over here, 10
more, 10 more, 10 more.

Put it down once.

Where is it?

No, it wasn't there, and it wasn't there.

I don't see how anybody
can win this game, Smokey.

I wouldn't say that.

I just said it.

Here, I'll bet you $10
that it can be found.

Okay, there it is right there.

Now if I can find it, why can't you?

Now what kind of bet is that?

I bet you $10.

There it is right there,
you pick it up yourself.

That's not good.

All right, I'll give
you a chance to get even.

Here, I'll bet you one dollar.

It's on the other side, the one.

$1.
- Now you find it.

Okay.

Now you win, so it's even, all right?

What you start betting dollars for now?

We've been betting tens.

Wait a minute, here,
I'll give you a chance

to double up on me.

Here, do you see it there?

- Go ahead.
- Now watch it.

Watch it.

Now it's underneath one of those shells.

$10 under here.

Go ahead and find it.

Now if he can find it, why can't you?

You wanna make a little bet on the side?

$10 under here.

Go ahead, pick it out,
it's up to yourself.

Now if he wins...

I'll take a chance.

$10.

Go ahead, pick it out, where is it?

Why don't you leave 'em alone?

Go on, pick it out.

There it is.

No, it's here.

There it is.

- It's here.
- It's there.

I win, the first time
I ever won in my life.

What do you win?

You had no money down.

Now chances are, if you'd
have had some money down,

then chances are you'd have won.

- Chances are.
- Chances are.

Hey Smokey, I bet I could
win that submarine game.

Okay.

- How much you wanna bet?
- Five bucks.

$5.

Say, have you got a
$10 bill for some ones?

Why certainly I always carry a $10 bill.

That's fine.

Give me the ones.

There you are, there's
one, two, by the way,

how many years have you been in the Navy?

- Six years.
- Six?

What's that got to do
with counting my change?

- Six?
- Yeah.

Seven, eight, nine, 10.

That's much better.

Now here's your five.

One, two, three, four, five.

Now the idea of this game,
naturally, is to find...

- Smokey.
- The submarine.

Now wait a minute, wait a minute.

There's somethin' wrong.

You didn't give me 10 ones that time.

Okay, here's your 10.

Here's your 10, give me back my ones.

- Okay, come on.
- Right there, now.

There's one, two, three, four, five...

Wait a minute.

When do you get out of the Navy?

- In two years.
- Two?

- Two.
- Two?

Two years I get out.

Two.

Two, three, four, five, six, seven...

Wait a minute.

Did I understand you to say six?

Six years I been in the Navy!

Oh, that's what it was.

Two years I'm gettin' out.

I had that six on my mind.

It's two years.

You got 'em mixed up, that's all.

I get out in two years.

Two, two.

- Two.
- Two.

- Two, two.
- Okay, two.

Three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, 10.

Thanks.

That's all.

Got it again.

Hey Dizzy, have you
got a 10 for some ones?

Sure.

Give me the 10.

There's one, two...

How long you been in the Navy?

90 days.

Come on, count it out.

No, you come on.

How long you been in the Navy?

90 days!

It's not gonna come out.

Something's wrong.

So you got yourself into it.

Come on, count it off.

I'm gonna get it again.

Two, three, four, five, six, seven...

Seven.

How many months in 90 days?

Three months.

Three months?

Three.

Three months.

Three.

I got him.

Three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, 10.

Yeah.

I think I got it again.

Oh, come on.

Give Joe a chance to win
some money, will you, please?

Now look, Joe.

You see it there?

Now how can you go wrong?

It's just a little twist of the wrist.

That's all there is to it.

Now it's underneath one of those shells.

Dizzy, take a look under the table.

Under the table.

- You're a cheater.
- No remarks.

Guy's got a fruit stand under the table.

Keep quiet.

Pick it out, go ahead,
where's the submarine?

No, it wasn't there.

It's a gyp!

It's a gyp, I tell ya, it's a gyp.

All right,
there's your money back.

Cheatin' his old friend!

Hey Smokey, don't go no further.

Don't go no further.

I want to play some
more with you, brother.

You wanna play some more?

You ain't gonna cheat me.

You got any more money?

Why certainly, I got a bankroll.

What odds are you gonna give me?

I'll give you two-to-one.

That ain't enough.

Oh, come on, I'll give you three-to-one.

No.

Too anxious.

What do you want?

At least six.

I'll give you five-to-one.

No, six.

I'll give you six-to-one.

Okay, okay.

What was that?

I don't know, somebody's
digging clams or something.

All right, I'll tell you what we'll do.

- You know where it is now?
- Yes.

You know where the submarine is?

- Yes.
- For the bankroll.

The bankroll.

Put it all down, pick it up.

Where'd that come from?

You're not mad, are ya?

Certainly I'm mad.

Then suck the lemons.

Oh.

That's the worst thing I
ever saw, cheatin' like that.

Can you imagine a man doing that to me?

That's one thing I never do is cheat.

You know where the submarine is.

I know where a flock of submarines are.

For how much?

I know where a submarine
with juice coming out of it is.

For how much?

For the bankroll.

You wanna bet it all?

The whole works.

All right, of course you're
only entitled to one ocean.

That's all I want, one ocean.

All right, watch it.

You pick up the ocean.

You want that ocean there?

Pick it up.

You've got to pick it up in order to win.

Find the submarine.

What ocean do you want?

What ocean do you want, come on.

Is it under there?

There is a triple-barrelled, hey Dizzy.

- Hey, Joe, come here.
- Wait a minute.

Hey, wait a minute,
fellas, here they are.

En route to...

Hawaii.

I'm fine, thanks, how are you?

Wait a minute, you wanna...

Wait a minute, what's the matter pal?

That's the girl, the one with
the camera complex, see her?

Well, I gotta get back now,
because I'm supposed to be

on duty, but I'll sneak in later

and we'll have a dance, huh?

I'll be waiting, Mr. Dugan.

How are ya, Dynamite?

Hiya, Reed.

How are my boys behaving?

Oh, fine.

Good evening.

Oh.

Hello.

I think I owe you an apology.

I think you do.

Well, we agree on something.

And I apologize for
pulling that gag on you.

Gag?

Yes.

You really thought I was
Russ Raymond, didn't you?

I did and I still do.

Well, I've been
mistaken for him a lot of times.

I am Tom Halstead.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

I hope that guy Raymond stays lost

so I can have a little peace.

Well, if you're not Russ Raymond,

then you won't mind my taking
your picture, will you?

No, I'll even strike a pose for you.

How's this right here, huh?

Okay?

Or would you rather have this?

Anything'll do.

Good.

There you are, no hard feelings.

None at all, Mr. Raymond.

I'll be seeing you in our magazine.

Here's the flim.

Thanks, my friend.

Give us some skin.

Sure.

Skin.

Come on, if you want to
see the Andrews Sisters.

Hello girls.

Gee, that number was swell.

Hello Patty.

You can call me Miss
Andrews, and from a distance.

Oh Patty, give me a chance
to explain on the dance floor,

where we can have a little privacy, huh?

It's too crowded here.

Well, I don't know.

Oh, come on, Patty, please, will ya?

I'll hardly step on your feet at all.

Come on.

All right.

Come on, chubby.

Oh, oh!

She called me chubby!

Oh boy!

Well, whose feet am I gonna step on?

Where's your ticket?

Oh, you gotta have a ticket?

Yeah.

Wait a minute, Patty,
I'll go get a ticket.

Then we can dance.

Okay.

Lady, give me five cents worth of tickets.

Who are you bumpin' into?

You.

I'll not only bump you, I'll slug you.

Oh yeah?

Oh yeah!

Okay.

I never fight with nobody
that agrees with me, see?

Excuse me.

Here.

Let's go.

What kind of dance was that?

What kind of dance was that!

Hey, that was a swell dance.

Did you cut a rug?

Cut a rug?

I didn't even get a
chance to disturb the nap.

Oh, you're just hard to please.

Hey you.

What I did is rushed over
there to the box office.

I bought two tickets, and
I come over here to dance

on the floor with my
girlfriend, Patty, and all we do

is hear the band go ta-ta-ta, ta, ta.

So you heard the band
go ta-ta-ta, ta, ta?

I heared it.

That's gonna cost you two bits more.

Two bits more for what?

For listening to the music.

Don't let him get away with that.

Smokey, don't push.

Come here.

You want Patty to think you're yellow?

No.

Okay, Patty, I'll show him.

I'm in love, I don't know what I'm doing.

Oh, go ahead.

Blames it on love.

What's the matter?

- Smokey.
- What's wrong?

I ain't gonna fight those guys here.

I'll fight them on a field of honor.

They have no honor.

That's okay, I ain't got no field.

Take a poke at him, Pomeroy.

Let him have it.

Go on, right on the nose.

Go on, take a good poke at him.

Okay.

I'll give five bucks if you
let me take a poke at you.

Okay.

Oh, what a sport.

Thanks a lot, pal.

Okay, kid.

Here comes the five-buck punch.

Here's your change.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I'd like to see you do that again.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

He did.

I dare you to try that on me, brother.

Oh, so.

Wait a minute.

Now why don't you pick on a kid your size?

Let him go.

Hold him!

Hold him, hold him.

Wait a minute.

Let him go.

Hold him!

What's the idea of trying
to pick on my friend here?

All right, boys.

Now wait a minute, I'm not pickin' on him.

Him and me had an understanding.

What's the matter, you
afraid of the boy, sweetheart?

Don't call me sweetheart.

Hey fellas, there's a fight!

No!

No!

All right now, come on, break it up.

What's the matter with you two?

I thought sailors were fighting men.

We are, but you gotta be on the water.

Yes, and it's 30 days in the brig

if you're caught in a brawl ashore.

We're gonna stay right
here and we're gonna

watch the fight.

And then we won't wind up in the brig.

No you don't, no you don't.

Hey, what do
you gobs think you are,

parachute troops?

This is the worst
predicament I was ever in.

This is worse than being in jail.

Stone walls do not a prison make.

Nor iron bars a cage.

Well, if they don't,
they got us hypnotized.

Which one of you
fellas is Pomeroy Watson?

That's you, Smokey.

Yeah.

No, that's you.

That's you.

I don't know where I'm at.

Excuse me.

I'm Pomeroy Watson.

Message for you.

Thank you, sir.

Could you get me a sponge
cake with a file in it?

I guess not.

I'm sorry.

Oh, Smokey.

Tommy.

Now what's wrong?

Fellas, it's the end now.

What happened now?

Smokey and Tommy, it's all over.

Patty and I are washed up.

What do you mean?

She's going away with a barber.

With a barber?

That's nonsense.

No it's not, Smokey.

It says right here in the letter.

What's it say?

"Am taking the clipper to Hawaii."

Oh!

Anything but a barber.

I always wanted to be more than a barber.

Pomeroy Watson?

Pomeroy Watson, somebody wants you.

That's me.

Come with me.

No sir, it's much safer in here.

Don't take me away now.

I didn't do nothin'.

I'm not gonna squeal, boys.

I won't say a word.

I don't care where I'm goin'.

Go ahead, take me if
you want, I don't care.

That's my boss, Chief Commissary Steward.

Yes, I know.

My boss.

Hello, boss.

What are you in for?

What am I, look Watson, for six years

we've tried to make a sailor outta you.

Just let me read a few
lines of your record

so far this year.

Placed on sentry duty,
you arrested a mailman

for taking letters out of a mailbox.

How do you like that for nerve?

In broad daylight too.

The same day you were
sent down to the mess hall

to break up a crap game.

What do you do, you lose
your uniform in the game.

That's a lie.

It was only my pants.

Look Watson, I've protected you, sure,

because you're the only cook that knows

how to fix cream puffs the
way the admiral likes them.

With jelly.

But this disgraceful
brawl is the last straw.

When you get out of this,
you'll be transferred to duty

on the Alabama.

You're gonna transfer me to the Alabama?

I don't care where you go.

A real battleship?

Going to Hawaii?

Oh, oh.

I'll be able to get my
hands on that barber.

Thanks, boss.

Gah.

Oh, swell.

Thanks.

I'm gonna be transferred.

Oh boy.

Now what are you in for?

Mutiny!

Mutiny!

Hey!

Why don't you leave these two kids alone?

Why don't these two kids leave me alone?

Nevermind that.

Now you two get ashore
before this boat sails.

Pick up your instruments.

Now you two boys get where you belong.

And you put some sweat on that swab.

Come on, put some sweat on that swab

or I'll give you 40 lashes.

What about lashes?

Do you think mine would
look better with mascara?

All right.

Pick up that line.

Aye aye, sir.

Dugan!

You're wanted below.

Aye aye, sir.

Brother, I'll see you later.

That's okay with me.

You got no right to make
Tommy work like this anyway.

All right.

A whole ocean full of
water to wash the decks.

He makes Tommy wash with one bucket.

All right, come on, forget it.

Always in trouble.

Say, Tommy, how about you
and I going ashore tonight?

No thanks.

Oh come on, you haven't
left this boat in a week.

What do you wanna do, want
to turn out to be a barnacle?

I like the ship.

You like it?

Say, what's the matter?

Are you afraid that girl photographer

is still parked out there on the pier?

Yeah.

I think I'll stay parked here on the ship.

If she wants to get on
here, she'll have to fly.

Well, if you change
your mind, let me know.

Okay.

"Pintles, small straight pieces of metal"

"secured to the rudder
and fitting in gudgeons"

"on a stern post."

On a stern post.

"Gudgeons, small metal pieces
in which pintles are fitted."

Pintles are fitted.

The bow is in front of the ship,

the stern is in the back of the ship.

The starboard is to the right.

Hello.

Hello.

The starboard is to the right.

Where's the port?

It's in a bottle in the icebox.

Thanks.

Wait, you're not allowed
on board this ship.

You gotta get off here.

I know, but I've got to get
a picture of Tommy Halstead.

Now if you'll help...

Oh no, I'm not gonna help nobody.

I'm not getting in any more jams.

All right, I'll scream.

How loud can you scream?

Ah!

That's enough.

You gonna help?

I don't wanna, but...

- Ah!
- All right!

I'll help.

Thanks, you're cute.

Oh, only wish Patty thought so.

Why do I get in these
kinda messes, anyway?

Tiptoe.

Shh.

Ooh!

Come on.

Hurry up.

Get in here.

Quick.

Pintles, pintles are pintles.

What?

Adams is gonna try to make you

into something that resembles a sailor.

He'll give you the instructions

and you better come up to par.

What's par on this ship?

- 76.
- Okay.

- What?
- I'm sorry, Dynamite.

But the time is gonna come
sometime, the time is gonna come.

And when the time comes sometime...

Well?

The time is gonna come.

All right, get to work.

Well?

Hey Smokey.

Nevermind that, you
heard what the chief said.

We're gonna make a sailor out of you.

Where'll I start?

In the potato locker.

Oh, nevermind the potato locker.

I know, but if the officers find...

If the officers find what?

There's a tomato in
there with the potatoes.

Well get it out and put it in

with the rest of the tomatoes.

She ain't that kind of a tomato.

She?

This one walks and talks.

- She?
- She's in there.

See?

What'd I tell you, there she is.

Pomeroy.

Oh, don't blame him.

I came to get a picture of Tommy.

The only pictures allowed on this ship

are tattooed on the men.

See, I told you you wasn't
allowed on this battleship.

- Come on, you gotta get off.
- Now wait.

She has got to get off!

You can't go that way.

The OD's on the quarterdeck.

Let's try the 50-cent seats.

Now this is no time to get silly.

Listen, boys.

I don't want to be any trouble.

Just help me get the pictures and I'll

slip ashore after dark.

Do you promise?

Promise.

Cross your heart?

I don't like it, but I guess you got us

hooked either way, miss.

Don't be formal, just call me Dot.

Okay, Dot.

Come on.

Dash, Dot!

Dash!

Come on, come on.

Not me.

Not me, her.

Go ahead.

Dash!

Get in.

What's going on in here?

Nothing.

Why not?

What do you think you're doing?

Well?

Dash, Dot.

Dot, dash.

Dash, Dot...

What is this?

Signal practice.

Smokey's trying to
resemble me into a sailor.

Well, stow it.

We did.

I hope.

Watson, why don't you keep
these locker doors dogged down?

What about the door?

You heard me.

Dog it.

Dog it?

Okay!

Hey Smokey, get a load of this picture.

What is this here, that
these guys are working on?

Look at that.

That's a hull of a ship.

You're telling me.

But what is this they're working on?

Oh look, please, don't annoy me.

I'm trying to figure out a way

to get that girl off this boat.

Oh boy, that's gonna be awful.

I wish I wasn't here.

Yeah, you are.

- Smokey.
- What.

If I didn't know
better, I'd swear we're moving.

- We are moving!
- Yep.

We're on our way to Hawaii.

Yeah.

What'd you say?

To Hawaii.

- We're going to Hawaii?
- Yes.

Where Patty is?

That's right.

Oh, mm-hmm!

I'm going to Hawaii!

With a tomato in the potato locker.

Oh.

We'll get around to it.

Okay, kid, we'll get around.

Wait a minute.

Huh?

What are you throwing your
clothes out the porthole for?

Porthole?

Certainly.

I thought it was a little closet.

Oh, come on.

Not so much noise.

Quiet, quiet, come on.

Now come on, let's get to bed.

Shh.

Quiet, go to bed.

Where am I gonna sleep?

Up here.

I said where do I sleep?

Up in here.

That's right.

How do you get in here?

How do you sleep in here?

Six years in the Navy and
you never slept in a hammock?

Six years I was a baker.

I always slept in a sink.

You better learn to sleep in a hammock.

How do you get in here?

Here, watch me.

Oh, that's good.

Grab on and bzzt.

Shh, don't make any noise.

- Quiet.
- Okay.

I think I made it.

Quiet!

No noise.

Pretty near made it.

Giddyap.

Hey, Smokey.

What's the matter?

How can you sleep like this?

How do you lay down?

Lay down.

How do you straighten this out?

Get over.

Okay.

Will you go to sleep?

You wanna wake everybody up?

Go on.

I'm comfortable down here.

It's much better.

It's a fine time to
be playing on the deck.

Now get up in there.

How're you gonna sleep in a snood?

Shh, quiet!

Take it easy.

Now I gotta saddle it again.

Whoa, boy.

I gotta talk to the horse.

Take it easy.

What in the world are you doing?

Go to sleep.

Whoa, boy.

Attaboy.

Whoa.

Take it easy.

Shh.

Ah!

Comfortable.

Make it?

Good night.

Did you do that?

Did I do what?

That clicking sound.

I didn't hear no click.

I've been hearing a
clicking sound for a week,

ever since we left San Diego.

I must have a bug in my ear.

By the way, where do
all the little bugs go

this time of year?

Search me.

No thanks, I just wondered.

All right, you men,
prepare to wash down.

Come on, you too, shorty.

Well what are you gonna do, take all day?

Come on, get that shirt off.

What happened?

- Smokey.
- What do you mean?

- Tommy.
- What?

- Tommy and the girl.
- What happened?

The lady photographer?

Yeah.

No!

Shh, quiet!

Does this happen to
belong to you, sailor?

Thanks buddy.

Novel idea, traveling
in a potato locker.

Trifle gloomy, isn't it?

Only when you're around.

Who's been hiding you in here?

Nobody.

Oh, nevermind.

Pomeroy's the only sailor on board

with so few brains, outside of yourself.

He's all right.

Do you realize the trouble he'd get into

if the captain found out about this?

No, of course you don't.

The only thing you've
got on your silly head

is a roll of film.

It's my job.

It's not your job to
hound me all the way

across the whole Pacific,
turning a battleship

into a photographer's gallery.

Lucky for all of us we're
only one day away from Hawaii.

Oh, then I can develop my laundry.

Your laundry.

Oh, your laundry.

Yeah.

Give me those.

I know a safe place for them.

Davy Jones's locker.

Please, can't we talk this over?

Sure, sure, on deck tonight.

We're having a band concert.

I won't be there.

Oh, yes you will.

Either there or in the brig.

See what I mean, boys?

You mean something like this?

Hey boys.

You, come here.

Come on, come on.

Can you boys do anything
to entertain the men?

Well...

If you turn that band
over to us, we can.

The whole band?

Sure, we used to have a band back home.

Yeah, we had a band, the
10th Avenue Guttersnipes.

Quiet.

All right, all right.

What do you think I got that medal for?

All right boys, you can take over.

But listen, from now on,
it's every man for himself.

Don't sink the boat.

Sit down.

Right.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Up!

I'm a member.

I'm a member!

Come here, you.

You never told me the thing
about the kind of initiation.

That's what they do when
they cross the equator.

That's it,

You want to belong
to the Sons of Neptune

like us fellas, don't you?

Yeah, but I'm no aviator.

All right, all right, you
passed the blanket test.

Now you have to be
passed by the committee.

Ready, committee?

All right, you'll face the
committee right about here.

Right here.

I'm a member.

I'm gonna be one of you guys.

Pomeroy Watson, before you can become

a full-fledged member
of the Sons of Neptune,

you'll answer this question truthfully.

Yes sir.

If you had your choice,
what branch of the service

would you prefer, the air,
the land, or the water?

Gimme the water.

That's a pretty good initiation.

- Oh yeah.
- I like it.

Yes.

Does Smokey know anything about this?

Pf course not.

- Tell me the truth.
- Honest.

He don't, huh?

No.

Uh-oh, here he comes.

How would you like to join...
How would you like to join...

He knows.

- He does not.
- I hear that?

I heard it, but he doesn't know.

Coincidence.

- If you had your choice...
- If you had your choice...

He knows it.

He don't know it.

Ask him if he wants to
be a Son of Neptune.

Ask him if he wants to be on
land, in water, or in the air.

When he says "give me the
water," give it to him!

Hey, what is this all about?

Well, you see, all us
guys, we belong to a club.

- Yes?
- Sons of Neptune club.

Ooh.

Now if you want to join us, it's okay.

Then Father Neptune will be your boss.

You mean Neptune would reign over me?

There will be a cloudburst over you.

Don't tip it off, ask him the questions.

I don't get it.

You should get it half
as good as I got it,

and everything's all right.

Oh, did you get it?

Yeah, this ain't perspiration, you know.

No, no, no.

I want it good.

You won't get disappointed, don't worry.

That's swell.

Stand right here, don't go away.

Hold him here, hold him here.

Shh.

Shh.

I swallowed it.

Mm-mm.

Mm-mm.

Mm-mm.

Mm-mm.

Mm-mm.

Mm-mm-mm-mm!

Mm!

Mm...

Mmm!

Mmm.

Why didn't you say "give me the water?"

You know Tommy, thank you
for bringing us in here

on your invitation so I could
see my girlfriend, Patty.

Oh, it's all right.

I'll ask you to do
something for me sometime.

Oh, I'll be glad to.

It's okay, kid.

What are you eating that skin for?

It's good, I like it.

With all this delicious
native food around here?

Mm-hmm.

Taste that dish.

What?

Taste that dish.

It's delicious.

How do you like it?

Good.

What are you doing?

Show place of the island.

I came in here to make an
impression with my girlfriend.

Don't give me that stuff.

Boy, that was a beauty.

Now come on, honey, let's
you and me go places.

- No, no, Tommy.
- Wait a minute, Tommy.

No, Tommy, no!

Tommy!

I gotta get that camera away from her.

No, Tommy.

And get in a fight with Dynamite?

Yes, and give her a chance
to take 10 more pictures

of you being dragged to the brig?

Come on, baby, I'm just
wild to see him in uniform.

Oh General, do you know if
Russ Raymond's on this boat?

It's a ship, lady.

Oh, I'm dying
to put one of these leis

around his neck.

I'm going to get his autograph

if I have to wreck the whole Navy.

Can you tell me where Russ Raymond is?

This happen to belong to you, sailor?

Oh!

Please, Tommy.

Let me explain.

We're locked in.

Some more of your work?

No, but that's fine.

Now you'll have to stay and
listen to me about the pictures.

I know all about the picture.

I've got an idea that's gonna
straighten everything out.

- Lay it off, Smokey.
- Now listen to me.

You've caused me enough trouble.

Listen, I don't mean any...

I'm sorry, I'm very
busy here in the kitchen.

Don't bother me.

Do your work, but don't do mine.

Put it down.

Why don't you give me the end
with the towels or somethin'?

Hey, doughnuts, hey.

No no, Smokey, don't, don't, no!

Aww, come on, one doughnut.

I haven't got enough, I can't afford it.

I just baked 28 of these things.

I mean, after all, there's
seven officers I gotta feed.

And I got just enough
to give them 13 a piece.

You what?

13 apiece.

13 apiece?

- Seven officers.
- Yeah.

Each gets 13.

You've only got 28.

That's right, I got 28
doughnuts and seven, 13,

I gotta give 'em to them.

- Seven 13s are 28?
- Yeah.

That's ridiculous.

Seven times four is
28, not seven times 13.

Seven times four is 28?

Sure.

Seven times four is 28.

He must have went to a cheap school.

I mean, seven times 13 is 28.

Ridiculous!

Come here, I'll figure it out for you.

What's the matter with you?

I've got this all
figured out, no kiddin'.

You have?

Yeah, I figured it out myself.

Prove that to me.

I'm gonna prove it, don't worry.

Ridiculous.

No, it ain't, no it ain't.

- Oh, come, come, come.
- It's not ridiculous.

There's no sense to your argument.

- That so?
- Go ahead.

You'll see.

Now, there were seven officers.

That's right.

There's a seven.

Now I'm gonna divide and prove it to you.

Now, 28 doughnuts.

28 doughnuts.

Wait a minute, you claim
seven goes into 2813 times?

Prove it to me.

Seven into two.

What do you mean, seven into two?

Seven will not go into two
no matter how much you try.

We know that.

You couldn't push that big
seven into that little two.

Certainly not.

Therefore, we can't use the two.

What are you gonna do with it?

I'm gonna let Dizzy hold it.

Dizzy, you hold that two
for me, will you, please?

Thank you.

I'll use it later.

What is this all about?

Now, seven into eight, one.

Now, we're gonna carry the seven.

Carry the seven.

- Carry the seven.
- So carry it.

It's gettin' a little
heavy, so I'll put it

right down there.

Seven from eight, one.

Now, a minute ago, we didn't use the two.

What do you mean?

I'm gonna use it now.

Use it?

Dizzy, give me back the two.

Thanks.

Put it right down there.

So?

Seven into 21?

Three times.

Seven, 28, 13.

Oh, now wait a minute, come here!

You ever go to school, stupid?

Yeah, and I come out the same way.

Oh, nevermind that.

Multiply this.

Put down 13 up there.

- Put down 13?
- Yes.

Now, you claim that each
officer gets 13 doughnuts.

- They gotta.
- Now wait a minute.

- Or else I go to the brig.
- There are seven officers?

- Put down seven.
- Seven.

- Draw a line.
- Sure.

Now, seven times 13 is what?

28.

Prove it.

- Seven times three?
- 21.

- Seven times one?
- Seven.

- Seven and one?
- Eight.

Two?

Oh, no!

Come on.

Comes out right all the time.

Well it shouldn't come out right.

It's gotta come out
right or I go in the brig.

That I know.

Just a minute, just a minute, here.

We'll add this up.

Put down 13 seven times.

- Okay.
- We'll add it up.

That'll straighten this out.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

No no no, wait a minute, wait a minute.

- Oh, I forgot Dynamite.
- Yes.

I don't wanna forget Dynamite.

No, there's seven officers.

Now we're getting it.

Now, you claim all this
added up amounts to what?

- 28.
- Give me the chalk.

No.

You take it, it's liable
to come out right.

Sure, sure, there's
something wrong, here.

Three, six, nine, 12, 15, 18, 21.

22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28!

Oh.

See?

All hands on deck

for the visitor's day entertainment.

I'll be right there.

All hands on deck.

You wish to check the
captain's breakfast, Mr. Watson?

I certainly do.

I wanna check the captain's
breakfast every morning.

I gotta.

What is this, a burnt offering?

I scorch them more right away.

No you won't, you've scorched enough.

What do you do, toast
this with a blowtorch?

I don't like it.

I don't know how the captain
ever puts up with you.

I'll bring it up to him myself.

Put your hat on before
you get into trouble.

Now will you listen to my idea, please?

I'm in a hurry, you know,
this is visitor's day.

You're tellin' me, but
it's doomsday for me.

What kind of a crack is that?

You know what I'm talkin' about.

Today there's gonna be
hundreds and hundreds

of people on board this boat.

I know that.

There's gonna be entertainment, dancing,

maybe the rumba and everything else.

So?

Everybody'll have a good time but me.

Why?

Oh, Patty Andrews is comin'
on board with her sisters.

When she finds out that
I'm nothing but a baker,

I hate to think what's gonna happen.

Oh look, I told you I was
working on that, didn't I?

You been telling me that for two weeks.

Well, I straightened out that Tommy

and Dorothy affair, didn't I?

But I helped ya.

Well yes, but I'm gonna
straighten out yours.

How?

How would you like to go in to sick bay?

Look Smokey, sick bay or Dead Sea,

it's all the same to me.

Nothing's gonna help.

This will.

You report to the hospital.

Well, a baker in pajamas
looks just like an admiral.

Oh, that's a swell idea.

Certainly!

- It ain't gonna work.
- Why not?

- These doctors are terrific.
- What do you mean?

They'll know there's
nothing wrong with me.

They always do.

Ah, but there will be
something wrong with you

after you drink that.

What's that?

A sleeping solution.

One teaspoonful and you
pass out just like that.

Like that?

Just like that!

I do get to wake up?

Oh, certainly.

Okay.

For you, Patty.

Oh, come.

Not now, not now.

Take the captain's breakfast to him first.

I gotta take the
captain's breakfast first.

Go ahead.

Smokey, you're wonderful.

Ah, you embarrass me.

Well, there's still work to be done.

I'll be seeing you.

There's a pal if I ever did see one.

Now, for the captain's breakfast.

Oh, there you are.

Captain wants to meet you.

This orange juice is great stuff.

They sent me down to fix
the old man's communicator.

Okay.

Come in.

Hey Smokey, shh, Smokey, Captain's asleep.

He is asleep.

Must be overwork.

Drank a whole glass of orange juice,

went to sleep just like that.

Like that?

Just like that.

Shh.

Why, you dope, you've doped the captain.

Yeah.

Who?

You.

I didn't dope nobody.

What, are you crazy or somethin'?

Well somebody did.

Oh, we better call the police.

What do you mean?

Call the police, call somebody, will ya?

Don't get excited.

- Call somebody.
- Take it easy.

Calling the police.

Calling all cars, calling all cars.

The captain's been doped.

Somebody...

Wait a minute, that
thing's out of order.

This thing's out of order.

No use talkin' to you,
no use talkin' to you.

Put that down.

Yes, that's what Dynamite
sent me down here to fix.

I know, but the captain.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I've got an idea.

I've just made you the captain.

Good.

I'm the captain.

Could you tell
us where we could find...

Girls.

Oh, pardon us, please.

Hello Smokey.

- How are you, girls?
- Fine.

I've got orders to take you
to the captain's quarters.

- The captain's quarters?
- Well!

- The captain?
- Yep, come on.

We don't know the captain.

- Is he expecting us?
- Yes.

Oh, these are guests of the captain.

All right.

Go right in, girls.

Welcome, girls.

Captain Pomeroy Watson at
your service, my ladies.

Is this on the level?

Won't you be seated?

Thank you.

It's very comfortable here.

You must enjoy your quarters.

Oh, money means nothing to me.

Be seated, please?

I have duties to arrange.

Running a ship, you
know, is very, very hard.

Captain Pomeroy Watson speaking.

I don't want to be disturbed
for an hour, maybe two.

Aye aye, sir.

And in the meantime,
batten down all the hatches,

and furl the mainsails,
and gudgeon the pintles.

Aye aye, sir.

That's nautical terms, you know.

You gotta talk like that,
all that kinda nautical stuff

on a boat, you know.

Well, I guess everything is ship-shape.

Won't you girls make yourself at home?

Captain Watson?

Oh, call me Pomeroy, Patty.

Pomeroy, I owe you an apology.

Tush, tush, tush.

Somebody's knocking at the door.

I'll go and answer it, excuse me.

Yes?

Message for the captain.

That's me.

Message for the captain, that's me.

Messages, messages, messages,
that's all I get all day long.

It's enough to drive
you crazy, no kidding.

Aren't you gonna read it?

It might be important.

Sure, Pomey.

Well, I'll find out who it's from

and see what it's all about.

Don't be afraid.

That's the only thing this is good for,

is opening up letters.

Might be very important.

Uh-oh.

The admiral, mm-hmm.

It's important, all right.

May I read it?

I've always wanted to
read official messages.

Thanks, Pomey.

Oh, how exciting!

- What is it?
- What does it say?

Well, it's from the admiral
in command, Pacific fleet,

to Captain Richards, commanding
US, Captain Richards?

That's code.

Richards, that's my code name.

Every time they send
something, it's always in code.

Oh, of course.

"Special committee aboard
flagship question maneuverability

"of battleships of Alabama class.

"Please provide a demonstration

at your earliest possible convenience."

Oh, how thrilling.

Can we watch you commanding your ship?

Please, Pomey.

Come on now.

That would really be wonderful.

Always wanted to see
something like that, please.

Sure, okay.

Captain Watson speaking.

Order the engine room to get up steam.

Aye aye, sir.

And stand by your post.

Standing by, sir.

Adams, didn't I tell you to fix

the captain's communicator?

I'm working on it, Chief.

You can fix it later, I got something

more important for you to do.

Come on.

Get this heliograph back
together quick as you can.

Hey, there's something we can fix.

Give me a hand and we'll splice this up.

Swell.

Hey you kids,
get away from there!

Nevermind the kids, just keep working.

Well, you don't understand.

Keep working.

That's fixed.

Let's go find something else.

Here's the glass.

Thanks, Pomeroy.

Thank you.

Courtesy of the captain.

Well, I guess the steam's up by now.

Oh, let's go out on deck and see!

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What's the matter with you kids?

You can't go out there, it ain't safe.

But the other visitors,
the deck is full of them.

Oh yeah?

Well I'll fix that up.

I'll show you a thing or two.

I'm the captain here.

Attention, the bridge!

Aye aye, sir.

Send all guests below and
clear the decks for action.

Aye aye, sir.

The guy must be a
ventriloquist, and clever.

Mm-hmm.

Pass the word, all visitors below decks,

all hands stand by to get underway.

Clear ship for action.

All visitors below decks.

All hands stand by to get underway.

Clear ship for action.

Weigh the anchors.

Full speed ahead.

Captain Richards certainly got his ship

underway fast, Admiral.

Thank you, Senator.

Duty calls.

How's the longitude?

Take course, north.

Northeast by northeast.

Hey fellas, look out!

Attention, bridge.

Port the helm.

Port the helm.

Starboard the helm.

Aye aye, sir.

- Starboard the helm.
- Aye aye, sir.

Do something with the boats.

Port the helm.

Aye, sir.

- Port the helm.
- Aye, sir.

Well, sir?

I never saw anything like
it in my life, Admiral.

How would like to see us
go into some real action?

We'd love to, Pomeroy!

Sure.

Attention, the bridge.

Man battle stations.

Launch aircraft.

Prepare torpedoes.

All guns, load.

Proceed the forced draft.

Course, due south!

Did you notice the way Captain Richards

launched his planes?

Incredible!

Looks like he's heading straight for us.

Don't worry.

Captain Richards is one
of our most able officers.

Bridge calling the captain.

Bridge calling the captain.

Now what do you want?

My respects for the
captain, but we're heading

directly for the flagship at full speed.

Who's running this boat, me or you?

You are, sir.

Well then I'll run it, you obey orders.

Do as you're told.

Aye aye, sir.

Attention, the bridge!

Full speed astern!

[Officer But we're going
full speed ahead, sir.

Nevermind, don't argue!

Full speed astern!

Aye aye, sir.

Full speed astern.

Aye aye, sir.

Full speed.

Full speed astern, full speed astern!

Look out, look out!

- Pomeroy.
- We're gonna get hit!

Turn the boat!

- Turn the boat!
- Pomeroy.

Pomeroy.

Man overboard!

- Man overboard!
- Pomeroy.

- All right.
- Man overboard!

Pull yourself together, Pomeroy.

- Man overboard.
- What happened?

Get him!

- Bzzz.
- All right.

All right.

Come on, come out of it.

Oh boy!

Oh boy.

- It's Smokey!
- Yes, I'm here.

- Smokey, did you see it?
- What?

Torpedo, bzzz.

- Come on.
- Airplane!

Everything's all right.

Come here.

Don't worry.

Shh, come here, come here.

- Pull yourself together.
- Smokey!

- What's wrong with you?
- The boat's sinking!

Quiet, here, here.

Come here, come on.

I'm gonna hit the flagship.

Here, here.

Shh.

What's the matter?

Why, you dope.

You've doped yourself.

Sure!

- Who?
- You did.

Oh, come on, get it together.

Fix yourself up.

Get ready for the entertainment tonight.

I've just had enough
entertainment for a lifetime!

Lifeboats, boats, airplanes, torpedoes.

For the hundredth time,
Mr. Russ Raymond, I...

The name is Tommy Halstead.

Oh, whatever it is.

My boss promised to destroy the negative.

He double-crossed you, not me.

Yes, of course.

Very well, don't believe me.

I don't, and I won't.

All I know is, that due to
your clever camera work,

I'm right back in the
spot I joined the Navy

to get away from.

If I got you out of that
spot, would you forgive me?

Sure.

All right.

Those women are only running
after you because they think

there's one chance in
a million to land you.

Cut the odds down to nothing.

What do you mean?

They won't run after a
married man, Mr. Stupid.

Oh, I see.

Do you?

Well where do you think
you're going, Mrs. Stupid?

The next time, take a picture
of the good side of my face.

Ladies and gentlemen,
would you kindly embark

in the boats now waiting for you?

Thank you.

I'll bet you thought
it was gonna go off.