Original subtitles

And so without further ado,

welcome to the stage--

you know her, she pays you-- Deborah Vance!

Hoo, hoo, hoo!

Thank you. Thank you.

So I know you haven't seen me in a while.

When Hollywood wants to get rid of a woman,

they just say she was difficult.

But a man gets away with having sex with his stepdaughter

because, well, that's just his process.

Am I right, y'all?

"Y'all"?

The, uh, reports of my death were fake news...

as was "US Weekly" every time they published

I didn't wear it better, y'all.

"Y'all" again. What is that?

Sorry.

Let's get to the...

persecution pyramid!

Every woman who has ever done something brave or unexpected

is either called crazy, shot in the face,

or, even worse,

thwarted by a contract

she didn't read closely enough.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Hey, you. Yeah, I'm just in a meeting.

All right, let's take a break.

So, yeah, maybe we want to rethink

the persecution pyramid and also the, um--

just all of it, I think.

No, it's the crowd.

I mean, they work for me. I paid people to be here.

It's a completely different dynamic than at a comedy club.

Besides, Josefina's in a mood

'cause I don't like her new water filter.

Totally. I think maybe we want to focus on,

like, what's been funny about the past few years,

and then we can sort of work in the systematic oppression

of it all, if we must.

I'm gonna get to the funny, but if comedy says something,

it's supposed to make you uncomfortable.

I mean, you're the one who always says

that it doesn't have to be a laugh a minute.

No, I know, but it's kind of

a Smith College commencement address at the moment.

So sorry about that. That was the Paley Center.

Unfortunately, they're not willing to move

the "Who's Making Dinner?" event.

Do they know that I won't be able to speak at it

because of the gag order?

Yes, but they're adamant that the anniversary event

should take place on the anniversary

and not, you know, nine months later.

Oh.

People are so dramatic about time.

Why can't they just be more flexible about dates?

You know, like I am about my birthday.

Not everybody is as easy to work with as you are.

But, look, they still want you to attend,

you know, and pose for some photos.

And I can circle back with your lawyer.

Maybe you learning sign language is a fun loophole.

- Oh. - I know a little.

Oh.

- Hey. - Okay, well, I'm sorry.

That's not nice.

- I think she's hangry. - Always.

- She doesn't eat. - Yeah.

But you, I have really good news for.

- Oh. - So remember Jessica Duncan,

- the exec who made "My Bad"? - Yeah.

Well, she got a huge new job.

- And guess what. - What?

She loved your script.

You know what?

She is one of the good ones. I have always liked her.

Well, she wants to sit down with you,

and I'm gonna schedule a meeting

when you're in town for the "Who's Making Dinner?" event.

My God, you are the best in the biz.

I'm flailing, but thank you.

This thing on?

'Cause I got a couple things to get off my chest too.

First up, these Russians, and I'm not talking about--

- No, no. - --the dolls!

- No, Randi. - Silencing women?

This is what Deborah's talking about.

Oh, my God!

Make my lips bigger.

Bigger.

Whoa. We having a yard sale?

Oh, the Paley Center wants some memorabilia and photos

for the "Who's Making Dinner?" exhibition.

- How's this? - That's good.

Now give Frank some dark circles...

- Mm. - And a big, fat double chin.

Cloning now.

What are you doing?

We're--what did you call it?

We're "yassifying" Deborah.

And we're de-yassifying Frank.

I mean, if I can't speak at the event honoring my show,

the least I can do is make my nasty, bastard-ass

cheating ex-husband look like shit.

Not sure a media-preservation nonprofit's

gonna love that.

I'm just giving them options.

Apparently, Kathy already sent some photos over.

- She's not gonna be there. - Thank God.

Is this the original pilot script?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

How the hell did he get sole creator credit?

We wrote the pilot together, and then he said,

oh, Deb, uh, I'm just gonna put my name on this first one,

and then you can put yours on the second one.

I was so naive, I didn't know that whoever

that whoever "writes" the first episode

from then on is considered the creator.

Right.

He said it was an innocent mistake,

but he knew what he was doing.

He never wanted me to get any credit.

Now I have another bastard trying to erase me.

That's why my MSG show has to be historic,

has to be record-breaking.

How's this?

Before and after.

- Ooh. - Amazing.

That is exactly how I remember it.

- Wow. - Oh, you think that's good?

Wait till you see what she did to my grandson.

- Ah. - No.

Isn't he adorable?

You guys can't Photoshop a baby.

Yes, you can.

Oh, my God.

Did you snatch his waist?

Oh, yes. He's so fit.

I just have to say...

I am so proud

of the work we did together on Deborah's special.

I was so pissed when I saw that they took it down.

Those motherfuckers.

No, we-- yeah, we were devastated.

And what Bob Lipka did to my girl Deborah?

I mean, that is bullshit. Piece of shit.

Oh, completely agree-- guillotine.

Thank fucking God I don't work there anymore.

- Mm-hmm. - Uh!

- Okay, all right, vibe shift. - Yes.

- "Mall Girl." - Yeah.

You know, Jimmy said that I would like your script.

I didn't.

I loved it!

Thank you. That is so nice.

A modern-day retelling of "The Wizard of Oz"

set in a '90s mall--

literally written for me.

It's so smart.

Thank you.

You know what scene I loved?

When the girl gets her ears pierced

and it gets infected and then the Hot Topic goths

have to take her to the hospital,

my heart broke for her.

Oh, that is-- that's really nice to hear.

Yeah. No, it's so nuanced.

It's so specific.

So original.

So, obviously, we can never make it.

- Oh. - Blech.

But what else you got?

Uh, that was all that I-I was kind of doing at the mome,

at the moment.

Well, I really want your next TV show.

So here's what I'm gonna do.

Sight unseen, whatever you got, I will buy it cash advance,

- blind script deal. - Oh, my God.

- Really? - Yeah.

Thank you. Could--

I mean, could "Mall Girl" be a series?

- No. - No.

So something you're more passionate about, right?

- But also hits the young demo. - Okay.

Diverse, of course, queer--queer counts.

Yes, I see you, girl, LGBTAIQ+.

Not too political,

not too poor, hard funny.

- Okay. - But passion first.

Well, I mean, look, it's-- I think for me, finding an idea

that I'm immediately passionate about...

Right, right. Right, right.

- Easy as pie. - Yeah.

- But no limited series. - Yeah.

- Limited series, bad. - Yes.

Bad, bad, bad.

Yeah.

That should be easy.

So she didn't start as a stand-up?

No, she starred in the show with her husband,

and, um, you know, she got famous from the sitcom.

Ah. I mean, I think she's cute there,

but I honestly think she's hotter now.

I like a woman with a little patina on them, huh?

- Oh, yeah. - Jimmy.

- Beth. - Oh, hi.

It's so nice to finally meet you in person.

Wow.

Um, uh, this is Kayla and Randi.

Hi. Welcome to PaleyFest.

- Thanks for having us. - Yeah.

I had my bat mitzvah here.

I'm not Jewish, but the theme was Anna Faris.

Yeah, it was a great bat mitzvah.

Um, anyway, thank you again for all your help.

I know there was a lot of back-and-forth

- with all the Deborah stuff. - It is literally my pleasure.

And I actually remembered that you are a coffee snob.

Guilty.

- So I just got you a cold brew. - That is so nice. Thank you.

Well, cold brew is like sex.

Even when it's bad, I'm grateful.

- So true. Um, mm-hmm. - Whoa.

- Yeah. - Mmm.

No, but, seriously, the coffee here is just dog shit.

But welcome to the nonprofit world.

You know what I mean? I'm like...

Take me with you, please.

I wish we could, you know?

- We are downsizing. - God, stop.

I'm talking to someone.

I have to take this, but I will find you

- in a little bit. - Okay, cool.

- Bye. - Thank you again.

Cheers.

- Wow. - What is going on?

- What? - You're being sexual at work.

You're never like that.

I mean, it was like watching two jail rats

- ratting up the bathroom. - Mm-hmm.

What are you talking about?

You were laughing at her voices.

You were like...

What? We were just being--

That wasn't even the best voice.

I mean, it was kind of funny

but not anything like my Jamaican accent.

We retired your Jamaican accent

after what happened with that waiter,

and I was just being nice.

We've been emailing each other for months, you know?

Email's first base--

I mean, the last person I emailed,

we ended up fucking, Jimmy.

Oh, my God, the HVAC guy?

Ew, no. The exterminator.

- You slept with Adnan? - Yeah.

Whatever, my emails were strictly professional.

I don't know-- I was on those emails, boss,

and you were using a lot of exclamation marks,

which for a man is the equivalent

- of exposing his genitals. - Whatever.

- I-I was just being friendly. - Oh, yeah?

Is it friendly to have your tits out?

Button up, slut.

She wants you to lay that pipe down--I'm telling you.

You really think so? I mean, it's flattering.

I never get cruised, but she was wearing a wedding ring.

- She's married. - Who cares?

You never had sex with a married person?

Not that I know of. Have you?

Yeah, I just told you--Adnan.

Who cares? It's LA.

I mean, 90% of the marriages are open,

and the other 10% heading for divorce

because they tried being open-- mm, not my fault.

All right, I think you two

are really overexaggerating, okay?

Mm, whatever.

- We'll see what happens. - Enjoy your coffee.

I want to put money on this. They seem good together.

Yeah, so now I just have to come up

with the premise for a show.

And you know what's always been interesting to me?

The woman in urgent care who comes in before the doctor.

She's not a nurse, you know. She's something else.

Like, what if I told her story?

- Very compelling. - I know, right?

Oh, my God.

Wow.

You know, it's so cool that something you made so long ago

is being celebrated like this.

Well, it endured because it was important.

It said something.

That's what I've been saying I want my MSG show to do.

Totally, totally, totally.

The oven line-- that was so good.

You liked it?

Yeah, you wrote it, too, right?

Did I write that one?

You know you did.

- Oh, yeah, I did. - Oh, yeah, you did.

Check out this hottie.

Oh, yeah. Gino.

He was wonderful.

He died of AIDS. He was so young.

Can you imagine being me in this situation?

I point to a photo of a hot guy,

and you're like, he died of AIDS.

Just lie to me, you maniac.

But I'm sorry for your loss.

- Thank you. - Yeah. It's tough.

He's lucky he's dead,

or there'd be a bullet with his name on it.

Uh-huh.

Where you going?

To find a martini with my name on it.

My dentist is such a pervert, and she's a girl.

- Oh. - Hmm.

Shit. I think you guys are right.

I think that she might be interested.

We're not gonna feel bad for you.

- You're basically bragging. - No, I'm not bragging.

Okay, she's coming, she's coming, she's coming.

- Showtime. - She's here.

- Hey. - Hello, Beth.

Um, I reserved a seat for you up front next to me.

Oh, wow.

Uh, thank you so much, but you know what?

I think I'm just gonna do my own thing and bop around.

- Hmm. - During the screening?

Mm-hmm.

'Cause it'll be dark,

so you're gonna have to climb over the people sitting down.

He gets restless leg syndrome in the middle of the day.

Yeah, I think it's good to just keep it moving,

you know, get my steps in, get the circulation going.

Sorry. Oh, don't step on that. Sorry.

Okay. Oh, oh, oh! Okay. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

She ran right into me. She came out of nowhere.

Can people just give her some space?

Jesus. Give her a little bit of space.

- Are you seeing this? - My pelvis!

Jimmy, are you there? Can you hold my hand?

- Wait. What? - My pelvis!

- Just breathe. - Look, she's fine, she's fine.

Ah, perfect.

Ketel One martini, two olives, little dirty.

Thank you.

Thanks, Marcia.

Isn't that crazy?

And that was just Friday, right?

So imagine what I did Saturday.

- Oh. Yeah. - It was just a lot.

If you were there, you could have protected me.

- Here's your martini, ma'am. - Thank you. Thank you.

Deborah, Eddie fucking Bean is here.

He's, like, my favorite director from when I was a kid.

It's a little before your time, no?

No. What are you talking about?

I grew up on Nick at Nite.

"Bewitched" was the closest thing

we had to "Drag Race" back then.

Well, I'll introduce you. He's a doll.

- Eddie. - Oh, excuse me.

- Wow, Debbie. - Hi.

Wow, I didn't know you were going to be here.

Of course. I wouldn't miss it. Hi.

- So glad to see you. - This is Ava.

- Ava Daniels, Eddie Bean. - Hi, how's it going?

I'm such a huge fan.

My Tinder bio used to be your quote about the power of story.

I didn't meet my soulmate, but a bunch of people

did ask me to read their scripts, and that's something.

Sure.

Eddie directed the pilot of "Who's Making Dinner?"

- Of course. - Oh, launched my whole career.

So basically, you owe me 10% of everything you got.

Yeah. Oh, Deb.

Glad to see you still have your sense of humor.

I'm just glad to see you're out.

I heard about the breakdown.

I have a friend who has the mental troubles.

Ooh. It's rough stuff.

Thank you, Eddie. Means a lot.

Yeah. Oh, uh, did you hear?

They're gonna show some new footage of Frank tonight.

- Excuse me? - Yeah, an unaired interview.

I'm so glad Frank's being allowed to speak.

Wish I could say the same for Joan of Arc.

She's doing a lot of, um, research

on Joan of Arc right now for...

comedy.

Mm.

Funny.

Oh, Deb, take care.

- I always hated that guy. - Yeah.

He thinks I have mental problems?

He is clearly in cognitive decline.

- Yeah. - And his prostate's probably

the size of a cantaloupe.

Deborah, can we get some photos with you?

- Absolutely. - Great. Right this way.

- Puff pastry? - Oh, no, thank you.

I've been, uh, pretty weird with dairy

ever since this guy I dated sawed me in half.

Hey, could I ask you something?

Um, would you watch a show about cater waiters?

And, like, maybe, like, every episode takes place

- at a different event? - Like "Party Down."

- Really great show. - Great.

Ideas, ideas.

Something in a dome? Shit, "Under the Dome."

Fuck, everything's been done, every single thing.

Can you take a picture of someone for me?

- Oh, sure. - Jimmy.

Oh, hi.

Could I get a photo of you two?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah. Oh, my God, I cannot wait to get home

and rip off this micro thong, if it's still there.

My fat ass is eating it up.

Okay, Beth, I think I need to clear the air, all right?

I've clearly misled you.

And we need to keep things professional,

because I'm just not in a place for a relationship right now.

I'm married, so...

I know, and I can't do the open thing, all right?

It's just not for me. I'm not stigmatizing it.

It's just--I wouldn't be a good third, you know?

My needs are too big.

Yeah, I'm not open,

and I'm not interested in--in you like that, so...

Oh. Well--well, good.

I mean, or--or I guess not good, but I just--I'm sorry.

Oh, my God, this is a little bit inappropriate.

- I'm like, ew. - Okay. Oh, I'm sorry.

I just was picking up a vibe.

You know, you're being, like, incredibly nice and...

It's kind of my job to be incredibly nice, you know?

Well, sure, but your job is really to coordinate events

that preserve television history, right?

You don't have to be that nice.

You could just be cordial,

or you could be rude even, you know.

Well, I'll certainly keep that in mind moving forward.

- Not a problem. - Okay, great.

- Well, I'm glad we talked. - Me too.

And, um, yeah, if you need any coffee,

just help yourself to the carafe over there.

I'm not sure if it's been sitting all day, but...

No, Beth, don't--don't do that.

Beth.

- Not into you, boss. - Yeah, I don't think so.

I know that. You told me she was into me.

You two were both like-- she's drooling, boss, you said?

We were sniffing each other like rats.

What is this compulsive need for honesty?

I didn't think you were gonna say anything.

- That was so weird. - Oh, my God!

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Wow, um, thank you to the network,

everyone who supported the show and gave us a chance.

Thank you to Deborah Vance. Deborah, I love you.

Thank you to my entire team at William and Morris, Sheila--

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, welcome.

We are so proud to be celebrating

the 50th anniversary

of the groundbreaking sitcom "Who's Making Dinner?"

We are so lucky to have so many writers and cast here today,

especially the incomparable Deborah Vance.

Hope you're all enjoying the exhibition.

I want to take a moment to thank our partner brands.

The arts would be nothing without you.

Okay, before we get to our screening,

we have a special announcement.

As of today,

Stage 15 on the Warner Bros. lot,

where every episode of "Who's Making Dinner?"

was filmed in front of a live audience,

in addition to the many iconic game shows

that Frank went on to produce,

will be officially renamed

the Frank Vance Stage.

Frank Vance will forever be enshrined

in Hollywood history.

Well, please enjoy more passed apps,

courtesy of TJ Maxx and Duolingo,

and we will see you shortly in the theater.

I cannot believe this.

He's upstaging me even from beyond the grave.

I don't think he's upstaging you.

They are literally putting him up on a stage.

Here.

Hey.

I want to introduce the screening.

If Frank's allowed to speak, then I want to speak too.

I get that, but you definitely can't.

They're live streaming it.

Then get them to turn off the stream.

I thought you said you had a contact here.

I--

If the people aren't on the right marks, then we're fucked.

So if you could just make sure that doesn't happen,

- that would be wonderful. - Excuse me, Beth.

- Hello. - Mm, okay.

Um, you mind if I ask you a really quick favor?

Well, I wouldn't want to give you the wrong impression,

right, and do any special favors for you.

And I appreciate that. I respect that.

Uh, it's actually-- you know what?

It's not for me. It's for Deborah Vance.

Deborah would like to speak to introduce the screening,

and she's legally prohibited from doing that.

So if you could just turn off the live stream camera,

just briefly, just while she's up there.

Mm, can't do that.

Please, please, I am begging you.

The answer is no.

See, this is why I don't get

into romantic relationships with work colleagues.

We were not in a romantic relationship, so--

Beth, I don't have time to get into our history

and relitigate this, all right?

We both know what happened. Can you just please do it?

No.

Fuck.

You know what?

When you were dating Jimmy,

I really thought we could be friends.

But now I know you're just another selfish blonde,

aren't you?

You're a bitch.

Jimmy!

Stop. Stop looking at that. I know I'm not on the list.

I'm just gonna speak for a second.

It's okay, it's okay, tell them Deborah Vance said it was okay.

Deborah, wait, wait.

I tried, but they won't turn the cameras off--I'm sorry.

Look, even if Bob Lipka's people don't see it,

as we've experienced, someone could just leak it anyway.

I really don't think you should do this.

I'm not just doing this for me.

I'm doing this for all women who've been silenced.

How?

Thank you.

Thank you all so much for coming tonight.

You know, we may not have figured out

who's making dinner, but we figured out

who's getting all the credit-- Frank Vance.

Oh, no, I know, that's not fair.

- What is going on? - I tried to stop her,

but I couldn't.

Um, Frank gave me a lot of credit.

In fact, he gave me solo credit for that house fire.

You remember that one, y'all? Hmm?

- "Y'all" is back. - Mm.

The only woman who knows fire better than I do

is my sister in the struggle, Joan of Arc.

I was told not to speak tonight,

but, uh, at least Joan got to scream

when she was burned at the stake.

Lucky bitch.

Mm...

Did I ever mention-- did I ever mention

that Frank's family had slaves?

Nasty stuff.

Okay, let's roll that clip.

Deborah, stop sulking.

If they won't let you get a credit card,

you can just use mine.

No, I'm gonna tell them I'm...

Mr. Denny Vansatori.

Oh, that's funny.

I always thought I'd be the one whose water broke.

Deborah, why are you dressed like a man?

Well, if the bank won't let a woman open a credit card

because it doesn't see me as a full person--

- You're going to force them? - How about that?

Not even five minutes being a man,

and already I'm forcing people against their will.

- Hmm. - Yeah, if this was today,

you'd need four roommates to afford this house.

- Yeah. - You remember roommates?

No, I actually didn't have roommates.

I have to live alone because I have bathroom stuff.

Is that an idea for a show?

Bathroom stuff? Like, someone who lives alone?

- No, it's sad. - No.

No, like, something based on this, where, like--

Oh.

I don't know--where, like, their grandkid

inherits this house and then has a bunch of roommates.

It's about, like, chosen family, that sort of a thing.

You know, reboots are really sellable.

Existing IP is very, very good.

And it can actually be about something, you know?

They could be grappling with the fact

that, like, our generation is, like, never going to find

the success that our parents found.

But, like, what does that success mean,

and, like, how do we redefine it?

You know what I mean? Like, community building.

- Like, downward mobility. - Yeah, but funny.

- Yeah. - I think that's really good.

I think if you can do a reboot that's about something,

that could be excellent.

You should definitely flesh it out and pitch it to Jessica.

Deborah doesn't have the rights, though.

That's okay. I'll look into it.

- Okay. - Okay.

I like that.

I think it's good.

So do you need something, Gino, or...

- I got myself in a mess. - Okay.

Frank, thank you so much for sitting with us.

What do you think made "Who's Making Dinner?"

such a groundbreaking show?

Well, you know, we weren't trying to be groundbreaking.

We were making a show about our relationship.

And, um...

the only reason people even paid attention to it

was because it was funny.

And you two had never worked in TV before.

So how did you know that what you were making was funny?

Because of Deborah.

Deborah was the funny one.

She was always...

the funniest person...

in any room.

And as you transitioned into producing game shows,

what was your inspiration for...

Hey.

You okay?

No.

Yeah. 'Cause you bombed super hard?

- It was rough. - No.

It's what Frank said.

But he said you were the funny one.

I-I feel like that would be nice to hear, no?

It was.

That's the problem.

It's been-- it's been 50 fucking years.

Why do I still need to hear that?

Why should I care about what some kid who I met

when I was 18 years old thinks about me?

It's pathetic.

Yeah.

I mean, I get that.

Sometimes there's just one person we want to impress.

Yeah.

I have to ask...

what was the mess that Gino was getting into in that episode?

Was there chaos?

Did hijinks ensue?

We didn't get to find out.

I'll tell you in the car.

Okay.

- Thank you. - Oh, my God.

I always want to be like, you don't have to run.

There's no rush.

I like it when they run.

Deborah Vance.

Yes?

Got a call you violated a restraining order tonight.

Need you to come with us.

- Oh, you got to be kidding me. - Nope.

You're actually gonna arrest me?

- Yep. - I'm sorry.

She wasn't even funny tonight. That was barely even comedy.

- Let's go. - No!

- Yes. - No!

Do you know where I keep my bail cash?

Yeah, in Vegas, it's underneath the bathroom sink!

But where is it in LA?

Deborah, where is it in LA?

Call Josefina!

Watch the hair!

Wha--fuck! Shit!

Yo, valet!

Pick up the pace!

What are you in for?

Stand-up comedy.

You?

Shoplifting from Macy's.

Oh, that's really wrong.

If you're gonna shoplift, make it Neiman Marcus.

What are you in for?

I, uh--I got a DUI.

Oh, honey, we got to get you an Uber account...

Or at least a pair of Rollerblades, Jesus.

You know, it's not my first time in jail.

I mean, I, uh, was in actor jail once.

I did a Lifetime movie called

"A Prayer for Mommy's Slippers."

I was guilty for not running when I heard the title.

Hi, I'm here for Deborah Vance.

Is that enough?

That's right, that's right.

I've been cuffed before,

but it usually involved some boundaries and a safe word.

Oh, she knows, little freak!

Deborah Vance, you made bail.

Ah. That's my time.

Oh, hey, can I bail out my friends here?

- If you got the cash. - All right, what do you need?

- What do you need? - $500 for me!

- $8,000! - $20,000!

Damn, what did you do?

I punched a police horse.

Oh, Jesus. Come on, let's go!

So how was it in there? Was it bad?

It was amazing.

- Really? - Frank was right.

Don't walk.

The only reason that people paid attention

to "Who's Making Dinner?" is 'cause it was funny.

But that's what I need to be focusing on

with my Garden show.

It doesn't need to be important.

It just--it just needs to be funny.

Yeah, I mean, I feel like I said that,

but then a man said it louder, but it's okay.

I'll just repress it.

It'll make me funnier in the long run.

I'm sorry I didn't listen.

I have just been consumed

by my anger.

I didn't see the forest for the trees.

I mean, what people are gonna remember is...

if I made them laugh.

Yes! Exactly what I was saying.

- Love. - Yep.

- Great. - Walk.

Oh. Hey, who's hungry?

Okay, let's go to Norm's.

I want to try out more material.

- Okay. - That's a good idea.

You know, it's been a real pleasure sharing an open toilet

with you ladies.

But, Bethanney, I'm a little concerned

- about the color of your pee. - I know.