Original subtitles

Wow. Today ruled.

Best wedding I've ever been to!

Unh!

Yeah!

Ahh.

I'm sorry we couldn't afford a real honeymoon.

Are you kidding? This is great!

We can watch the traffic on the 405!

I know, but one day we'll have the ultimate honeymoon.

I promise.

Just gotta save up that sweet kaish!

To our dream honeymoon!

Mmm!

Holy crap! It's full!

It's full?!

♪ After years of hoarding money like an oil tycoon ♪

♪ They can finally afford a dream honeymoon! ♪

♪ They saved tons of money, oh, the funds, how they've grown ♪

♪ They'll take a sexy trip, and they'll totally bone ♪

- ♪ Totally bone! ♪ - ♪ Totally bone! ♪

♪ They're gonna take a fancy trip and totally bone ♪

♪ Fiji, Bermuda, Hawaii, Rome ♪

♪ Expensive honeymoon ♪

♪ Go big or go hoooooooooome! ♪

Four hundred dollars?!

♪ How does a father, husband, a roommate of four ♪

♪ Finance a honeymoon for only four hundred -- ♪

Only one musical number per scene, please.

Man, this sucks.

What kind of honeymoon are we supposed to take with this?

You could go to Beverly Hills

and park there overnight.

You could pay some guy to fight you!

I know! Let's go to Disneyland!

Oh, um, sorry Candice.

Honeymoons are kind of a "no kids" situation.

After all I've done for you?

Don't worry, Candice. We'll have all weekend

to play with whatever toy kids are addicted to this week.

Super noisy cube!

Oof. I guess.

Uh, guys, allow me to blow your mind.

- Catalina island? - Ooh!

It's the Palm Springs of the sea!

I don't know. This is supposed to be

the most romantic trip of our lives.

Isn't Catalina a little blah?

Em, I think this can work.

This place has five out of five stars.

Not a single bad review!

Huh. "A magical getaway."

"A throwback to a bygone era."

Don't forget "Dirt cheap!!"

You know what? Let's do it!

Welp, looks like Dorpenberger saves the day again.

Up top!

This place is great!

Look!

Hey! Shoo! Get outta here!

Sick!

We're gonna crush this honeymoon.

Hope you're ready to make memories

we'll cherish for the rest of our friggin' lives!

Welcome, travelers!

Checking in?

Yep. We're in the honeymoon suite.

Ohh! Newlyweds! I'm honored!

You've chosen one of our beds

on which to consummate your nuptials.

Oh, no, we've already consummated our...stuff.

We've been married for seven years

and are only now just taking our honeymoon

like a couple of maniacs.

Yeah, so we gotta make it count.

Well, you've certainly come to the right place.

Here on Catalina, we have over nine things to do!

We're excited! We saw all the great reviews online.

Oh, by the way, what's with the buffalo?

They're actually bison.

They were brought to Catalina

for a silent-film shoot in the twenties,

but the director never returned them to the mainland

because, well, he went insane.

Noice.

That's terrible.

Oh, they're completely docile!

Anyhoo, I'm afraid the honeymoon suite is still being aired out.

Okaaay.

But, on Catalina, no guest is allowed to leave

without having a perfect trip!

So, for your inconvenience,

we're offering you a complimentary tour!

Oh! Wow!

Honeymooning in Catalina?

Why not try our Romantic Canoe Ride?

Self-guided.

Both: Best honeymoon ever!

Josh: Whoa!

Or Lover's Leap.

Both: Best honeymoon ever!

Frederica: Or our Unlimited Pasta Bar.

Unh!

Both: Best honeymoon ever.

Frederica: Sunsets? We got 'em!

Both: Best honeymoon ever?

Emily: Aah!

The horses destroyed my crotch.

I feel like Mike Tyson punched my junk off.

But we're having fun.

On the only honeymoon we'll ever have.

Of course! Dream honeymoon.

I mean...the view.

Love the view.

Great view.

And not too many bison.

Not infested at all.

And we have two whole days left!

Two more days?! Wow! That's just --

I mean, yay.

Anyway...

I need to go get some ice for every part of my body,

but when I get back, it's lovin' time.

Ohh! Oh, no. Oh, why?

How'd they get it so noisy?!

Hey, chica. How's the 'moon?

Catalina's a nightmare!

Every time we find an ounce of romance,

a frickin' buffalo shows up!

Been there.

Josh is so desperate, but maybe we should just give up on it.

I know it's hard, but if you're miserable,

the best thing you can do is call the whole thing off.

- Hang on! Who's that? - Emily.

Catalina sucks, so she's thinking of ending it.

Ending it?!

Yeah, you're probably right.

I hope this doesn't break his heart.

Eh. It might.

But I think the best thing now is for you to divorce.

Not on my watch!

What was that about? Who knows.

Anyway, I was gonna say

"Divorce yourself from this trip."

Weird choice of words, I guess.

I like it! Non-traditional usage!

Aah! Pick up, pick up, pick up!

Josh: Hey. It's Josh. Leave a message.

Josh!

Don't move! I'll be there soon!

And whatever you do,

don't accept any papers Emily serves you!

Aah!

I'm coming, Josh!

Waaah!

Ohh!

20 minutes of this, and I'll totally be ready to bone.

Yeah. I'm very much "in the mood."

Actually, Josh I know how much this trip means to us

because we waited forever to take it

and we're getting older and we probably

won't take another romantic trip until Candice goes to college,

so I've been pretending to have a great time,

but in reality, I hate it

and I hate the bison and I wanna go home!

Holy crap. I didn't want to say anything

because I thought maybe if I just kept shouting

"best honeymoon ever," it would become the best honeymoon ever,

but it's actually the worst honeymoon ever

and it makes me sad!

Ohh! I'm so relieved!

The last ferry off this rock leaves in an hour.

The sexiest, most romantic thing we could do is get on it.

Let's do it!

Oh, no! Checking out early?

Yeah, gonna catch the last ferry.

Hm. Did you already make a baby?

No. We just want to get home.

I think Catalina kinda wasn't for us.

Kinda...wasn't for you?

The view is nice, but the buffalo are a bit much.

They...are...

silent-film era... bison!

Places!

I'm afraid we can't allow you to leave.

For you have discovered the island's darkest secret.

What secret?

Catalina...

sucks.

Aha! I knew it!

We simply can't have you leave a -- ugh --

a four-star review.

Lady, you're about to get three.

Prepare for attack scene!

Annnd...action!

Oh, no! The ferry!

Oh, I would like to apologize for any inconvenience

you may have experienced during your stay.

As an apology, please accept these two tickets...

to hell!

Alex: Josh! Emily!

- Unh! - Alex?!

You saved our lives!

I think you mean... your marriage.

- Ugh! - Holy shit! Who's that?

Hospitality is my passion.

Yeah. Don't worry about it.

Let's get off this shithole!

Cut! That's a wrap!

Alex: Ha ha! Whoo-hoo!

Unh!

We did it right the first time, didn't we?

Yeah. We did.

Both: Mmm.

Well, Alex, you did it, buddy.

You saved the day again.