Original subtitles

What are we gonna do, Dave?

I don't know.

You texted Calvin and Tina,

"Maybe going to Kalamazoo's not so crazy."

I don't know how this happened.

You know I pride myself on always texting with precision.

I don't even care

that the kids say periods aren't cool anymore,

I punctuate.

Explanation point.

We aren't moving to Kalamazoo.

We just have to tell them we aren't moving.

Right.

Yeah.

But we're not moving, right?

Do you think we are?

No.

Unless you think we should.

Oh, God, I don't know what I think.

Calvin and Tina haven't replied yet.

They're probably freaking out.

Losing their minds.

Okay,

now guess this one.

Brie.

No, Calvin. Come on.

Dig deeper.

Wait, I know this one.

Pepper jack.

Really, Calvin, pepper jack?

This is for a wedding, not Subway.

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

- What's up? - Hey.

So, you're obviously wondering

what that text meant.

What text?

Oh, something about Kalamazoo?

Yeah, no, that's the one. And just so you know,

- it's not what you think. - Mm-mm.

We weren't thinking about it.

Oh. Well, good. Never mind then.

I mean, Calvin, you're a man of the world,

so I don't need to tell you

what "going to Kalamazoo" really means.

It's a sex thing.

Yep.

Yeah, that's what it is. It's a sex thing.

"Let's go to Kalamazoo, baby."

Anyway, glad we cleared that up. Bye-bye.

Yeah, we are DTK.

Well, well, well.

Hey, handsome.

Um, excuse me, miss,

I have to tell you that I am engaged.

Well, that won't stop me.

I've been known to wreck a home.

Ow! Man.

I'm sorry, this would be easier if you'd stand still

and you were over there.

Sorry.

My fiancé is just so hot.

Oh, thank you, baby.

Oh. So,

uh, we need to talk groomsmen.

The network wants to add three more.

Say what?

They're trying to launch a spin-off,

and so it's important to them that you use

that guy from Sugar Ray

and at least one Property Brother.

Well, am I still the groom?

I know.

I'm sorry.

Thank you for putting up with my crazy life.

Eh, I get it.

It's just, uh, I don't even know those guys.

Oh, the network is setting you up

on a Zoom with them on Friday.

But they are on the East Coast, so it is at 5:00 a.m.

- I love you. - Mm-hmm.

So, did you talk to Chip?

Yes.

And, uh, having a job interview

with my mom's boyfriend wasn't awkward at all.

He only spent the first five minutes talking about how

she has the gams of a 25-year-old.

But what about the job offer?

It's crazy.

Yeah, I figured.

I'd actually be the VP of Human Resources.

I'd get to rebuild the department from the ground up.

Oh, crazy in a good way.

How's the money?

It's crazy.

Also in a good way?

Yes, but that doesn't change the fact

that the job is still in Michigan, which is

crazy in a bad way.

Besides, what would you even do there?

I mean, I could call Melissa.

She's principal at my old school now.

What happened to Principal Kersey?

He quit after he won Amazing Race.

Hey, guys.

Um, me and Esme

are going to hang out and do our homework.

- Gemma, maybe we should continue... - Yeah.

This conversation in the kitchen.

So, is Esme his girlfriend now?

He won't say, but have you noticed

he's started bathing?

You know, if he likes her,

it won't be any easier to talk to him about Michigan.

- We can't just assume... - We need a snack.

We have apples.

Esme says all apples are blood apples.

Uh, well, there are also peanut butter pretzels.

Gemma?

Do you think Esme is mute?

This decision isn't just gonna affect Grover.

I mean, what about the Butlers?

Calvin would be devastated if I left.

Yes. And who would Tina even get to replace me

in the book club we keep talking about starting?

Esme's done a 180 on apples.

I think carnations could be pretty on the tables.

Really, Courtney? I thought we discussed this yesterday.

Oh, right. You told me carnations

are cheap supermarket flowers.

No, we agreed that carnations are cheap supermarket flowers.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm just a little spacey today.

Oh, you know what? I bought the cutest napkin rings.

Uh, for your approval, of course.

Is my mama steamrolling you again?

It's fine. Honestly?

I would be happy just getting married at the courthouse.

All that matters is that I'm marrying you.

- Mwah. - Well...

I'm sorry my mom shot down your idea of a hobbit wedding.

Yeah. She was all,

"It's a wedding, I do not want to see people's feet."

Were you just imitating me?

What? No, that's crazy.

Thanks for letting us borrow these for the reception, Dave.

You know, it's funny, Calvin, when I bought these

for my kombucha party, you scoffed at me.

- Hmm. - Yeah, I was scoffing at the booch, Dave.

And now, lo and behold, you want to borrow them.

Ha. Oh, how the tables have turned.

You know I can make this punch in the trash can.

Thanks, Melissa. I'll talk to Dave about it.

- That sounds like a dream opportunity. - No, no, no...

Hello.

Ooh.

Well, what's the dream opportunity?

- It's an investment opportunity. - Mm.

It's a Ponzi scheme, but we're at the top.

We'd let you in, but you'd be at the bottom and...

you don't want to be at the bottom.

Dave, you don't even jaywalk.

I would...

in an emergency.

Okay.

Spill it. What's going on?

Okay. Look, it's probably nothing.

But my mom's boyfriend offered me a job

that is surprisingly not bad.

Well, all right!

But it's in Kalamazoo.

Kalamazoo? That's in Michigan.

We know, but...

it's vice president of a Human Resource department

for a pretty big company.

- I know, but I said it's in Michigan. - Look, okay, uh...

Babe, babe, babe, babe.

They know it's in Michigan.

Good for you, Dave.

- You're back in the game. - Well, look,

uh, Calvin, it probably won't happen,

- so don't worry about it. - Yeah.

Well, w-what does this mean for our book club?

I know.

Now we'll never read The Color Purple.

No. Uh-uh.

- Tina, come on. - I don't,

I don't get this reference.

- Come on, baby. Come on. - No...

Gemma! Nothing will keep me from you! Gemma!

Gemma, you're my only white friend! No!

What is wrong with you, Calvin?

Our best friends are thinking about moving away,

and you're all like, "Oh, good for you, Dave.

Back in the game."

Come on, Tina.

I mean, after all he's been through this year,

he needed a win.

Well, baby, do you know where Kalamazoo is?

Ooh, I got this one. Michigan.

Look, Tina, don't worry.

They're not going anywhere.

How do you know that?

It's Dave.

He always gets these harebrained ideas,

and he never follows through on any of them.

Baby, what if you're wrong?

I mean, you guys are close.

Wouldn't it be weird if he was gone?

Well, it's weird having him here.

I just got used to it.

Damn.

Old booch smell like Fritos.

Uh-huh...

- You don't like it? - I mean, it's a toast

for your brother's wedding.

Do you really want to bring up the time he got his arm caught

in a claw machine because he was trying to get a Furby?

Yes.

See, the funny part is,

he was stuck so long, he wet himself.

No? Okay, well...

- Hey, y'all! - Don't let him see my toast.

Actually, uh, Marty, don't worry about the toast,

because the network just told us

they've commissioned Aaron Sorkin to write it.

Wait, so, I'm supposed to read somebody else's toast?

What? No. No, no, no, no, no, man.

Don't worry about it, 'cause...

Marshawn Lynch is gonna read it.

Look, I'm sorry, Marty. There's nothing I can do, you know?

Uh, Sadie signed a contract.

Any major life event, the network owns it.

Oh, I guess I'll never get to tell my Furby story.

You were gonna tell that story at my wedding?

It's, it's so funny.

What? That is not funny, Marty.

Look, anyway, man... Look, it's out of my hands.

This whole wedding is about Mercedes's show.

I'm just an extra in it.

Huh.

Okay, here's a crazy idea.

What if you and Mercedes get married

with me and Courtney next week?

- Wait a minute, seriously? - Why not?

I mean, you could do it secretly.

You still have your big one on TV next month,

but your real vows?

They'll be with your family and friends.

With us.

I mean, little bro,

I would love that, man, more than anything.

Are you sure Courtney will be cool with this?

Oh, man, no question. If it weren't for Mama,

we'd probably be getting married at the courthouse.

Or the Shire.

Okay, wait, look, this is great, man.

Thank you, thank you.

I'm gonna run it by Sadie. Uh... thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

- You're welcome! - Yeah!

What is he talking about?

Genius idea.

Okay, Malcolm was bumming about his fake wedding,

so I told him he could piggyback on our wedding.

Piggyback?

Right, so, when we do our vows, they'll do theirs.

Same guests, same place, all good.

But that's our wedding.

Right, but you said we could go to the courthouse.

Yeah, but it's still our wedding.

Our day.

And you just gave away half of our day without even asking me.

I thought you said you didn't care.

Of course I care!

I'm-I'm sorry. Courtney, I'm-I'm sorry, baby.

Look, I-I'll tell Malcolm.

Look, calling Malcolm.

And... uh, voicemail.

Michigan?

Look, Grover, I know it's a lot to absorb,

but your mother and I respect

that you're a person and that you have feelings.

Exactly, and as an equal member of this family,

you get an equal vote.

Okay, I vote no.

- What? - Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa.

We haven't even discussed the pros and the cons yet.

Okay.

Con: I just started high school.

Con: I'm one of the cool kids there.

And con: I-I almost kind of have a girlfriend, in a way.

Believe me, we know leaving your friends would be hard.

Yeah, look, it's the hardest part,

but you'd make new friends in Kalamazoo, and...

Look, think about it, the money that we would make

selling this house, in Michigan,

we could buy a huge house with a pool.

Ugh. Yeah. Everybody wants to be friends with the kid

with the pool.

I can't swim.

- What? - Oh, come on, Grover. Yes, you can.

No, no, I forgot how.

Grover.

I know this is a big ask.

But you used to love it there.

And I could go back to teaching, which is my passion.

Well... but what does it matter?

You guys have obviously made up your minds.

Dave?

Have we made up our minds?

It looks that way.

Okay, but then, why did you even ask me?

Because we respect your opinion.

We're going against it, but we respect it.

Okay. Democracy sucks.

- I am never voting again. - Oh, my God.

You're gonna have to.

Michigan is a swing state.

- Hey. - Hey. - Hey.

Is Daphne still down for her nap?

- Yep. - Yeah.

All right, I'll get her. Uh, unless you want to.

Should we discuss it first?

I will get her.

Great. Great, great, great.

Uh, s-same page.

I support you.

What did you do?

Something insensitive.

And she reacted quite vigorously,

and I was very much caught off guard.

Huh.

She has been emotional and...

she's been forgetting things.

Very interesting.

- Blue. - Blue?

It's blue.

Yes, it's blue.

Yeah, it is blue.

Uh-huh.

Uh, Mrs. B?

What's going on?

You're pregnant.

Again.

Wait, what?

Is-is that possible?

No. Maybe?

I-I've been so stressed about the wedding, I guess I haven't

- been paying attention? - Yeah, and, uh, and...

w-we have been a little... cavalier.

Oh, my God.

Oh, cover your ears, guys.

I'm gonna be a grandma again...!

So, Malcolm, did you hear the news?

Uh, people over on Marengo heard.

Congratulations.

Uh, wh... uh, hey,

let's-let's not, let's not get ahead of ourselves, okay?

We don't know for sure yet.

Oh, I do.

- Well, what an exciting day. - Yeah.

Malcolm told me all about the plan. I love it so much.

What plan?

Uh... uh, Malcolm.

Uh, we have to discuss the plan.

I'm sorry, is there a problem with the plan?

Hold... wait-wait a minute.

Now, what damn plan are y'all talking about,

and aren't you a vegetarian?

Uh, no, Ma, she's a pescatarian.

- Hmm. - Uh, either way, she eating

a half a pound of beef wrapped in bacon.

I know, it's weird, I've just been craving red meat lately.

Hmm.

I'm sorry, what's happening?

Oh, my God.

Oh, oh, oh. Cover your ears. Cov...

- Why? - I'm a grandma again

and again...!

You know, we haven't really had any girl time together,

but, uh, here we are, peeing on sticks.

Yup.

- Maybe we should've used a coaster. - Uh-huh.

Okay, look, look, this is torture.

How long do pregnancy tests take?

Okay, just breathe, son.

- Maybe your mama's wrong. - You think so?

- Not a chance. - No. Not at all.

Now that we're stick sisters...

You've been part of this family

a lot longer than I have.

Are they, um...?

- Crazy? - You said it.

Yeah, but don't worry, it's a good crazy.

Mr. B? He acts hard.

- Big softie. - Oh, yeah?

Totally. I can see that.

And Tina?

Oh, she's hard.

But I love her to death.

And, Sadie,

I'd be honored, as your stick sister,

to share my wedding with you.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, here they come. Uh, spill. Spill. - Oh, come on. Come on, come on.

Turns out, we're both...

I told you! I told you!

Who is the queen?

Who is the queen? Oh, my God, I'm gonna be a grandma.

I'm gonna be a grandma again.

Oh, this is so wonderful.

Whoa, whoa, son, son, I got you.

Oh! I can't get 'em both! I can't get 'em both.

It's okay.

Oh, my good... Hey! Good timing.

Great news. Courtney and Mercedes are both pregnant.

What? That's fantastic.

Oh, so fantastic.

Hey, guess this calls for a celebration.

Champagne for everybody.

- Come on now. Inside. - Yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, but everybody except you two.

Everybody who is not pregnant, oh, we're getting wasted.

Yes!

Uh, Ca-Calvin.

- Yeah? - Can I talk to you for a second?

Yes, Dave, we have peach juice

if you want to make a Bellini.

You know me so well.

Which is what makes this so hard.

It's about the job.

Oh, man, that's tough.

Look, don't worry, Dave.

Another opportunity will come along.

Plus, Michigan?

You dodged a bullet.

Yeah, no, Calvin, um...

I'm gonna take the job.

We're moving.

Oh.

Really?

Wow. Okay.

Look, I hate to tell you while you're celebrating

something so special, I just, I-I...

I couldn't keep it inside.

Good for you, Dave. You know what?

Happy for you.

- You are? - Yes.

Yes, man. This is good news.

Well, hold on. C-Calvin, please.

Come on.

This is hard for me.

I-It must be hard for you.

Why would it be hard for me?

Because we're best friends?

Yeah, yeah, w-we're, we're friends, yeah.

Calvin, we're... we're best friends.

Okay, Dave, we're-we're next-door neighbors.

I've had neighbors before you

and I'll have neighbors after you.

So now I'm just a neighbor?

I mean...

Calvin, would "just a neighbor" have named a star after you?

I told you, I didn't want no damn star.

Well, too bad, it's right there.

Oh, yeah? Yeah? Which one?

Yeah...

It's one...

It-it should be...

There's a lot of stars up there.

It's somewhere in the Crab Nebula.

Look, the point is,

I'm trying to tell you how hard this is for me.

Why can't you admit it... that it's hard for you, too?

Uh, maybe it's just not hard for me.

Now come on, man, let's go in here and have a Bellini.

Or do you want to stay out here and look for your damn star?

It's your damn star, Calvin.

Whatever, Dave.