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1
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I'm not thinking about it, I'm doing it.
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2
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I'm leaving to go back to university
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3
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to learn about more than the price of opti-bright laser copy paper, you know.
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4
00:00:40,667 --> 00:00:43,200
-298 a gram. -240 a gram. Check the list.
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5
00:00:43,267 --> 00:00:44,601
Yeah, I thought you said something different.
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6
00:00:44,667 --> 00:00:47,534
-What are you going to study? -Psychology.
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7
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Why do you want to be a psychiatrist for?
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8
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They're all mad themselves, aren't they?
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9
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I want to be a psychologist.
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10
00:00:52,434 --> 00:00:54,367
Same difference. All right then, Einstein.
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11
00:00:54,434 --> 00:00:56,167
If you're so clever, what am I thinking about now?
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12
00:00:56,234 --> 00:00:59,834
You're thinking, "How could I kill a tiger armed only with a biro?"
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13
00:00:59,901 --> 00:01:01,400
-No. -No?
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14
00:01:01,467 --> 00:01:03,500
You're thinking, "If I crash-land in a jungle,
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15
00:01:03,567 --> 00:01:05,567
"will I be able to eat my own shoes?"
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16
00:01:05,634 --> 00:01:08,367
-No, and you can't. -Right. What are you thinking, Gareth?
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17
00:01:08,434 --> 00:01:11,534
I was just wondering, "Will there ever be a boy born
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18
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"who can swim faster than a shark?"
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19
00:01:18,868 --> 00:01:22,133
(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
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20
00:01:25,801 --> 00:01:27,300
GARETH: All right?
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21
00:01:27,367 --> 00:01:29,701
Oh, midday. Are you just getting in?
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22
00:01:29,767 --> 00:01:31,601
No. I should be here in about an hour.
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23
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(SNIGGERS) About an hour. You're already here. I get it.
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24
00:01:38,868 --> 00:01:41,267
Who am I, then, Dixon of Dock Green?
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25
00:01:41,334 --> 00:01:44,000
-What? -Evening, all.
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26
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-Brilliant. -Sorry I'm late.
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27
00:01:46,033 --> 00:01:49,467
Yeah. Not so worried about that, but while you're lodging with me,
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28
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your parents have entrusted me with their most valuable possession.
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29
00:01:52,734 --> 00:01:53,901
You.
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30
00:01:53,968 --> 00:01:56,868
Yeah? Ipso facto,
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31
00:01:56,934 --> 00:02:01,934
trust received, responsibility given and taken.
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32
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:03,300
Yeah?
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33
00:02:03,367 --> 00:02:06,000
I'm your guardian. You stayed out all night.
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34
00:02:06,067 --> 00:02:08,601
Okay. You stayed with a friend, that's fine.
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35
00:02:08,667 --> 00:02:10,534
I'm a little bit annoyed at her parents for not calling me...
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36
00:02:10,601 --> 00:02:12,934
-His parents weren't in. -His parents. It's a bloke, so what?
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37
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:17,100
Come on. God. Chill out, shall we, please?
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38
00:02:17,167 --> 00:02:20,167
You know. Girl with a friend that happens to be a boy.
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39
00:02:20,234 --> 00:02:22,467
-I could stay at Dawn's. -No, you couldn't.
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40
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I could if I got off with... At the wrong...
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41
00:02:25,067 --> 00:02:27,500
Got off at the wrong bus stop.
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42
00:02:27,567 --> 00:02:29,434
I could, you know, I'd be on the floor...
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43
00:02:29,500 --> 00:02:31,100
Yeah. We spent some time on the floor.
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44
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For a good reason...
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45
00:02:33,567 --> 00:02:34,467
probably.
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46
00:02:34,534 --> 00:02:35,901
More room.
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47
00:02:35,968 --> 00:02:39,667
Just go free. Come on. Jesus. You know.
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48
00:02:39,734 --> 00:02:42,167
-But if I did stay at Dawn's... -Which you couldn't.
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49
00:02:42,234 --> 00:02:43,767
You could stay at mine if you wanted.
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50
00:02:43,834 --> 00:02:45,801
DAVID: I don't want to stay at yours.
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51
00:02:45,868 --> 00:02:48,334
The point is if I did stay at Dawn's,
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52
00:02:49,500 --> 00:02:51,033
there'd be no funny business.
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53
00:02:51,100 --> 00:02:52,868
There was no funny business, fine.
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54
00:02:52,934 --> 00:02:54,100
Apart from all the sex, but we'll do it at your place next time
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55
00:02:54,167 --> 00:02:56,000
so you don't have to worry.
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56
00:02:57,567 --> 00:02:59,868
It wasn't anyone in the office, was it?
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57
00:02:59,934 --> 00:03:01,300
It was, actually.
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58
00:03:01,367 --> 00:03:03,167
I slept with somebody in the office, everybody!
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59
00:03:03,234 --> 00:03:06,901
(LAUGHING) Show's over. All right, good. Well done. That's fine.
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60
00:03:06,968 --> 00:03:08,601
Don't even... It's not that...
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61
00:03:08,667 --> 00:03:09,734
Oh.
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62
00:03:13,067 --> 00:03:14,834
Oh.
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63
00:03:14,901 --> 00:03:16,434
I'd let you stay at mine.
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64
00:03:18,634 --> 00:03:19,567
(PHONE RINGS)
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65
00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:26,834
Um, well, I'm getting a secretary because I need one. So...
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66
00:03:26,901 --> 00:03:30,000
And the lucky contestants are...
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67
00:03:31,067 --> 00:03:32,400
All right?
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68
00:03:32,467 --> 00:03:34,500
DAWN: Oh. This is Stuart Foot. DAVID: Hi, Stuart.
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69
00:03:34,567 --> 00:03:36,901
-And Karen Roper. -Mr Brent.
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70
00:03:36,968 --> 00:03:39,133
I don't know a Mr Brent. David.
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71
00:03:40,367 --> 00:03:42,133
She'll brighten up the place, won't she?
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72
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:43,400
If she gets the job. So will he.
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73
00:03:43,467 --> 00:03:45,767
If he gets it. Because you're both equal.
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74
00:03:45,834 --> 00:03:50,767
So we're on the no foregone conclusion, based on interview and merit.
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75
00:03:50,834 --> 00:03:53,601
I mean, it is up to me, ultimately, but good luck.
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76
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:56,834
You'd do well to impress me. So, nurse, the Polaroid!
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77
00:03:56,901 --> 00:03:59,868
(LAUGHS) Just for, um...
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78
00:03:59,934 --> 00:04:03,434
Just for... Sit down. I'm just going to take a snapshot.
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79
00:04:03,500 --> 00:04:05,834
Just for the files. Just to keep on record.
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80
00:04:05,901 --> 00:04:07,500
I'll do it. I'll do it.
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81
00:04:07,567 --> 00:04:09,634
Let's get that lovely smile on...
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82
00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:13,100
I'll come down here.
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83
00:04:13,167 --> 00:04:15,334
That's nice. Oh, look, the hair all...
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84
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:17,767
Lovely. That looks nice. Lovely blue eyes.
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85
00:04:17,834 --> 00:04:19,067
Okay. Big smile.
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86
00:04:20,801 --> 00:04:24,801
That was lovely. Lovely, lovely. Just give that a minute.
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87
00:04:24,868 --> 00:04:27,000
We'll have a look at that. Do one of you as well.
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88
00:04:28,667 --> 00:04:29,701
Good.
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89
00:04:30,467 --> 00:04:32,367
Good.
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90
00:04:32,434 --> 00:04:33,868
-We're doing Stuart first. -Yeah. Let's get him out the way.
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91
00:04:33,934 --> 00:04:35,033
Come on, follow me.
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92
00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:36,300
Through here.
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93
00:04:49,467 --> 00:04:50,467
Good.
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94
00:04:57,567 --> 00:04:58,901
Stuart Foot.
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95
00:05:06,734 --> 00:05:08,901
Oh. What is that?
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96
00:05:08,968 --> 00:05:13,200
"Money don't make my world go round, I'm reaching out to a higher ground."
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97
00:05:13,267 --> 00:05:16,500
-Is that a philosopher? -Des'ree.
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98
00:05:16,567 --> 00:05:18,167
The singer?
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99
00:05:18,234 --> 00:05:20,934
# Money don't make my world go round
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100
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,567
(BEATING RHYTHM ON TABLE)
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101
00:05:22,634 --> 00:05:25,467
# I'm reaching out to a higher ground
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102
00:05:27,434 --> 00:05:30,767
# To a warm and peaceful place
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103
00:05:30,834 --> 00:05:34,701
# I-I-I-I can rest my weary face
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104
00:05:35,734 --> 00:05:36,801
I don't think I...
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105
00:05:36,868 --> 00:05:38,834
# 'Cause we're living, we're living
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106
00:05:38,901 --> 00:05:41,500
# In a crazy maze #
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107
00:05:41,567 --> 00:05:43,434
Why do you want to work here?
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108
00:05:43,500 --> 00:05:44,701
Shoot.
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109
00:05:44,767 --> 00:05:48,434
Yeah. "The bosses" are panicking.
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110
00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:52,133
They're going, "Oh, cut back, lose staff.
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111
00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:55,400
"That's the way forward. That'll save us money." Will it?
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112
00:05:55,467 --> 00:05:57,267
Yeah?
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113
00:05:57,334 --> 00:06:01,701
Who's to say that hiring staff won't save money in the long run?
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114
00:06:01,767 --> 00:06:04,901
Does a struggling salesman start turning up on a bicycle?
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115
00:06:04,968 --> 00:06:07,834
No, he turns up in a newer car. Perception, yeah?
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116
00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:10,834
They've got to trust me. I'm taking these guys into battle, yeah?
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117
00:06:10,901 --> 00:06:13,434
And I'm doing me own stapling.
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118
00:06:13,500 --> 00:06:17,000
A sergeant major spends all his time training his men to be killers.
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119
00:06:17,067 --> 00:06:19,400
He doesn't polish his own boots.
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120
00:06:19,467 --> 00:06:21,834
He probably does polish his own boots,
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121
00:06:21,901 --> 00:06:24,767
but, you know, that doesn't mean...
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122
00:06:24,834 --> 00:06:27,033
It doesn't mean I have to do my own filing.
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123
00:06:32,667 --> 00:06:35,567
Hi. Are you ready to see Karen Roper now?
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124
00:06:35,634 --> 00:06:36,701
Yeah.
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125
00:07:09,634 --> 00:07:10,801
KAREN: Thank you.
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126
00:07:10,868 --> 00:07:12,901
-Hi. -Hello.
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127
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,100
-Let's get you sat down. -Okay.
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128
00:07:15,167 --> 00:07:17,467
No. I've got one over here ready.
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129
00:07:18,667 --> 00:07:20,200
(DAVID SIGHS)
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130
00:07:20,267 --> 00:07:22,067
Good. Pop it down.
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131
00:07:22,133 --> 00:07:24,701
Good. Right.
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132
00:07:24,767 --> 00:07:25,868
The interview.
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133
00:07:25,934 --> 00:07:27,500
Let's see
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134
00:07:27,567 --> 00:07:30,834
what we've got here. Hmm.
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135
00:07:30,901 --> 00:07:32,200
Karen Roper.
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136
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:37,100
Curriculum vitae. Mmm.
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137
00:07:37,167 --> 00:07:39,634
Just looking at this. Checking it out.
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138
00:07:41,234 --> 00:07:43,767
Good. Tell me about yourself.
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139
00:07:43,834 --> 00:07:48,000
Um, well, I did GCSEs and A-levels and...
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140
00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:51,634
Too boring. Tell me about yourself.
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141
00:07:51,701 --> 00:07:56,634
Okay. Well, I'm quite into films and music.
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142
00:07:56,701 --> 00:07:57,734
Yeah?
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143
00:07:59,534 --> 00:08:01,267
Des'ree?
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144
00:08:01,334 --> 00:08:04,234
-I don't really know... -Oh, yeah. Let's put that down there.
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145
00:08:07,801 --> 00:08:13,200
Last year, I took a year out and I went travelling, exploring...
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146
00:08:13,267 --> 00:08:14,801
Exploring yourself.
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147
00:08:15,834 --> 00:08:18,367
And Asia.
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148
00:08:18,434 --> 00:08:21,267
-Just with your boyfriend? -No, I was on my own.
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149
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:24,434
Good, by yourself, just out there. Free.
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150
00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:27,467
Getting what you can while you're young.
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151
00:08:29,767 --> 00:08:31,500
I don't know when...
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152
00:08:33,500 --> 00:08:37,334
You've charmed me, yeah? You've got the job.
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153
00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:39,500
Think of a decision, I make it. Good.
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154
00:08:39,567 --> 00:08:41,601
Work out your notice with the place you're at now
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155
00:08:41,801 --> 00:08:43,267
and we'll put you on a month's probation.
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156
00:08:43,334 --> 00:08:46,267
-But that's just to see if we... -Okay.
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157
00:08:46,334 --> 00:08:48,634
Yeah? Good. Good.
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158
00:08:49,968 --> 00:08:52,434
Out tonight celebrating, I suppose?
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159
00:08:52,500 --> 00:08:55,868
Um, yeah. Going to... Do you know the Chasers?
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160
00:08:55,934 --> 00:08:57,834
Oh, I don't believe it.
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161
00:08:57,901 --> 00:09:01,667
If you see three debauched drunkards in the corner, keep away from us!
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162
00:09:01,734 --> 00:09:05,868
No, come over. The drinks will be on me. In me!
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163
00:09:05,934 --> 00:09:07,334
What time are you going to cruise down there?
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164
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,133
It's not definite that we're going...
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165
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:12,467
No, come down. Come down. Definitely. What's your tipple?
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166
00:09:12,534 --> 00:09:15,767
-Um, vodka and Coke. -Me, lager.
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167
00:09:17,534 --> 00:09:21,334
Finchy, lager. Gareth, lager, sometimes cider. So...
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168
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:24,367
Different drinks for different needs.
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169
00:09:24,901 --> 00:09:26,167
Yeah.
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170
00:09:26,234 --> 00:09:28,367
Good. Well done. Well done again.
.
171
00:09:28,434 --> 00:09:30,167
-Congratulations. -Okay. Thank you.
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172
00:09:36,267 --> 00:09:37,968
New secretary. Good.
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173
00:09:39,133 --> 00:09:40,400
Efficient.
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174
00:09:47,467 --> 00:09:49,367
-So you've resigned, then? -Yeah.
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175
00:09:49,434 --> 00:09:51,901
I've just got to hand in my notice, make it official.
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176
00:09:51,968 --> 00:09:54,734
You embarrassed yourself and all, didn't you, asking Dawn out?
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177
00:09:54,801 --> 00:09:56,701
No, wait. I didn't ask her out. That was...
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178
00:09:56,767 --> 00:09:58,767
Why does everyone think... It was as a friend, okay?
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179
00:09:58,834 --> 00:10:00,667
-Right. Right. -Just as a friend.
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180
00:10:07,567 --> 00:10:11,100
Hi, Donna. How's it going? Settling in? Mind if I...
.
181
00:10:11,801 --> 00:10:13,400
(CHUCKLES)
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182
00:10:13,467 --> 00:10:15,334
Who left that there?
.
183
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,467
Um...
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184
00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:19,934
Yeah. There's going to be a Health and Safety seminar a little bit later on,
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185
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:21,934
which I'd like you to attend.
.
186
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:23,767
-Right. -Compulsory, I'm afraid.
.
187
00:10:23,834 --> 00:10:25,934
But that's not to say it won't be fun.
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188
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,567
You know, I like to inject my own sense of fun into the proceedings.
.
189
00:10:29,634 --> 00:10:32,000
So, 2:00 in the meeting room, all right?
.
190
00:10:32,968 --> 00:10:34,267
See you there.
.
191
00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:44,834
(KEITH EXHALES)
.
192
00:10:44,901 --> 00:10:47,300
Just looking at the booklet at the moment?
.
193
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:49,534
Yeah.
.
194
00:10:49,601 --> 00:10:51,100
What did you watch on telly last night?
.
195
00:10:51,167 --> 00:10:52,567
I didn't watch telly, I watched a video.
.
196
00:10:52,634 --> 00:10:55,067
-I watched that Peak Practice. -Yeah, I've never seen it.
.
197
00:10:55,267 --> 00:10:58,500
-Bloody repeat. -Yeah. That's annoying, isn't it?
.
198
00:10:58,567 --> 00:11:00,234
Not for me. I hadn't seen it.
.
199
00:11:05,234 --> 00:11:09,367
Boring, isn't it? Just staying in, watching Peak Practice with your life.
.
200
00:11:09,434 --> 00:11:12,434
-Mmm, yeah. -Not for me. I like it.
.
201
00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:14,901
Yeah. I just stayed in, had a big wank.
.
202
00:11:18,601 --> 00:11:21,033
-That should be enough, shouldn't it? -Yeah. Fine.
.
203
00:11:21,100 --> 00:11:23,234
-The information's elsewhere. -He won't read it.
.
204
00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:24,500
(KAREN LAUGHS)
.
205
00:11:24,567 --> 00:11:26,434
Despite having done it twice.
.
206
00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:29,534
I'll have to get my P45 from my other job.
.
207
00:11:29,601 --> 00:11:30,901
DAWN: Okay.
.
208
00:11:30,968 --> 00:11:33,534
Brent, just Roper to beat!
.
209
00:11:33,601 --> 00:11:35,901
I bloody love football, don't I?
.
210
00:11:36,100 --> 00:11:37,367
(RINGS BELL) Service, barman.
.
211
00:11:37,434 --> 00:11:40,567
Lager, vodka and Coke. Gave her the gig.
.
212
00:11:40,634 --> 00:11:42,934
Oh, God! The dreaded form.
.
213
00:11:43,133 --> 00:11:46,234
Does it say on there whether you're married or single?
.
214
00:11:46,300 --> 00:11:47,634
It doesn't matter. Whatever.
.
215
00:11:47,701 --> 00:11:49,267
Bring your boyfriend down tonight if you want.
.
216
00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:50,534
-I don't have a boyfriend. -Whatever.
.
217
00:11:50,601 --> 00:11:52,500
-Oh, sorry! Sorry. -Oh!
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218
00:11:52,567 --> 00:11:56,100
That is a man's game. That is... That is... Yeah.
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219
00:11:56,167 --> 00:11:57,634
-I can't see. -Accidental.
.
220
00:11:57,701 --> 00:12:00,300
-DAWN: Let me look. -Sorry.
.
221
00:12:00,367 --> 00:12:01,968
That's why they shouldn't get involved, really.
.
222
00:12:02,033 --> 00:12:03,033
Oh, God!
.
223
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:14,534
-Hi. -Hello. All right?
.
224
00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:18,234
-Yeah. I was just... -I've got to go in a sec. So...
.
225
00:12:18,300 --> 00:12:20,701
-No. I can eat here? -Of course, you can.
.
226
00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:33,567
So we should go for that drink.
.
227
00:12:33,634 --> 00:12:35,100
Oh, yeah, yeah.
.
228
00:12:35,167 --> 00:12:37,367
-You, me and Lee. -Yeah, the three of us.
.
229
00:12:37,434 --> 00:12:40,601
I can probably get someone to come along, so...
.
230
00:12:40,667 --> 00:12:42,300
Good.
.
231
00:12:42,367 --> 00:12:44,934
-Uh, in the next few weeks? -Definitely. Of course.
.
232
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:48,467
-Right, I'll just check with Lee. -Yeah, absolutely. Of course.
.
233
00:12:54,300 --> 00:12:56,868
-Gareth. -All right?
.
234
00:12:56,934 --> 00:12:58,701
Gareteo. How are you, mate?
.
235
00:13:00,968 --> 00:13:02,500
Nothing. Good to see you.
.
236
00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:05,567
(TIM CLEARS THROAT)
.
237
00:13:10,734 --> 00:13:13,334
You weren't trying to get off with her, were you?
.
238
00:13:19,834 --> 00:13:23,868
Okay. Welcome to Wernham Hogg Health and Safety Training
.
239
00:13:23,934 --> 00:13:26,667
with Gareth Keenan. Okay?
.
240
00:13:26,734 --> 00:13:29,300
That's me. Pleased to meet you.
.
241
00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:33,868
There are many hidden dangers in the workspace,
.
242
00:13:33,934 --> 00:13:36,033
and today we're going to find out what those dangers are
.
243
00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:37,334
together, all right?
.
244
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:40,801
Starting off with your workstation.
.
245
00:13:40,868 --> 00:13:45,167
Now, I want you to imagine that this is a mug of hot coffee.
.
246
00:13:45,234 --> 00:13:46,968
It's not, okay,
.
247
00:13:47,033 --> 00:13:49,734
because that would be dangerous even in a training situation.
.
248
00:13:49,801 --> 00:13:55,200
What we're going to do is play a little fun game that I've made up.
.
249
00:13:55,267 --> 00:13:58,200
All right? I like to have a bit of fun when I'm teaching people.
.
250
00:13:58,267 --> 00:14:01,434
In fact, I like to have a laugh most of the time, in and out of work.
.
251
00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:03,267
In fact, there's a few of us going out tonight...
.
252
00:14:03,334 --> 00:14:04,601
Shall we crack on?
.
253
00:14:06,534 --> 00:14:10,634
Good. Keen. Excellent. All right.
.
254
00:14:10,701 --> 00:14:13,734
Now, watch where I place this mug
.
255
00:14:13,801 --> 00:14:19,167
in order to simulate where someone might put a mug in real life.
.
256
00:14:19,234 --> 00:14:24,567
What I want you to do is shout out, and shout, mind, "safe" or "dangerous".
.
257
00:14:24,634 --> 00:14:27,868
All right? Think you can manage that?
.
258
00:14:29,133 --> 00:14:30,567
Okay. Let's go.
.
259
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:37,400
Dangerous.
.
260
00:14:55,901 --> 00:14:57,934
Dangerous.
.
261
00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:59,300
So, what have we learnt there?
.
262
00:14:59,367 --> 00:15:01,267
Don't pour coffee over the computer?
.
263
00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:04,100
Any fluids. Right? Good.
.
264
00:15:05,167 --> 00:15:07,334
First-class, Dawn.
.
265
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:08,801
-You all right? -Eh?
.
266
00:15:08,868 --> 00:15:11,601
-You all right? -Yeah, yeah. Fine, thanks.
.
267
00:15:11,667 --> 00:15:13,734
Have you had a good morning or a bad morning?
.
268
00:15:13,801 --> 00:15:18,100
A bit of a... (LAUGHS) Oh, God, a bit of a mad morning.
.
269
00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:20,534
-Never mind. -See you later.
.
270
00:15:20,601 --> 00:15:21,400
Okay.
.
271
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:27,767
Basically, there's a correct way and an incorrect way to lift stuff.
.
272
00:15:27,834 --> 00:15:30,234
All right? This is the incorrect way.
.
273
00:15:35,167 --> 00:15:37,601
Okay? Incorrect.
.
274
00:15:37,667 --> 00:15:39,400
The correct way, two things to remember.
.
275
00:15:39,467 --> 00:15:42,133
First of all, keep your back nice and straight. Straight back.
.
276
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,067
-And then... -And bend your knees.
.
277
00:15:44,133 --> 00:15:47,968
You got to keep your back straight and bend your knees. All right?
.
278
00:15:48,033 --> 00:15:50,467
Very important.
.
279
00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:54,901
-Do you want to try that with me? -I'm fine.
.
280
00:15:54,968 --> 00:15:59,167
Well, I'm supposed to witness you do it so I can tick the box. So...
.
281
00:15:59,234 --> 00:16:00,901
Just do it with me a couple of times.
.
282
00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:05,000
All right? So, nice straight back, bend your knees...
.
283
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,434
Up. That's it.
.
284
00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:11,734
Down again. Same on the way down as on the way up.
.
285
00:16:27,133 --> 00:16:28,434
Down again.
.
286
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:31,300
Good. One more time.
.
287
00:16:31,367 --> 00:16:33,701
Nice, straight back. That's it.
.
288
00:16:33,767 --> 00:16:35,234
That's it. Great.
.
289
00:16:35,300 --> 00:16:38,534
One more time. That's it. So, you got that?
.
290
00:16:38,601 --> 00:16:40,200
I'll practise it at home.
.
291
00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:43,033
Excellent. Good. Well done.
.
292
00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:44,968
If there's any questions you want to ask,
.
293
00:16:45,033 --> 00:16:48,834
or if you want to talk about anything at all, just come and see...
.
294
00:16:48,901 --> 00:16:51,033
I know you've, um...
.
295
00:16:51,100 --> 00:16:53,434
-I know you slept with... -Are we done, then?
.
296
00:16:53,500 --> 00:16:55,467
-You made a mistake, that's fine. -I haven't made a mistake.
.
297
00:16:55,534 --> 00:16:58,300
I was just checking whether you're going to be sleeping with him again or no.
.
298
00:16:58,367 --> 00:17:00,400
-Spreading it around... -Right. Bye.
.
299
00:17:04,667 --> 00:17:05,601
Good. Good.
.
300
00:17:07,500 --> 00:17:08,834
Yeah.
.
301
00:17:08,901 --> 00:17:11,801
Excellent pupil. Fast learner.
.
302
00:17:11,868 --> 00:17:17,934
She won't be spilling any fluids or lifting things incorrectly.
.
303
00:17:18,133 --> 00:17:20,133
A, I'm going to give her.
.
304
00:17:21,467 --> 00:17:22,300
A.
.
305
00:17:25,734 --> 00:17:26,701
(TAPPING KEYBOARD)
.
306
00:17:29,367 --> 00:17:30,901
Hi, Gareth. Quick question, mate.
.
307
00:17:30,968 --> 00:17:33,367
I've got these invoices to file and I don't know...
.
308
00:17:33,434 --> 00:17:34,734
(CONTINUES TYPING)
.
309
00:17:50,267 --> 00:17:51,934
-Yes? -Where do I file these?
.
310
00:17:52,133 --> 00:17:53,901
-I don't know. -Excellent. Thanks.
.
311
00:17:56,601 --> 00:17:57,701
Who am I?
.
312
00:17:58,868 --> 00:18:00,901
(LAUGHS) I don't know.
.
313
00:18:00,968 --> 00:18:02,434
Indiana Jones.
.
314
00:18:03,567 --> 00:18:06,701
(CONTINUE TALKING, INDISTINCT)
.
315
00:18:06,767 --> 00:18:09,500
GARETH: It's not as if she's your daughter or anything.
.
316
00:18:09,567 --> 00:18:12,067
No. But, that's not the point. It's the principle.
.
317
00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:13,567
It was about respect.
.
318
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:15,601
Yeah. Showing a bit of respect.
.
319
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:23,234
And while she's under my roof, she will obey my laws. So...
.
320
00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:26,500
Showing respect by obeying the law.
.
321
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,100
-She's legal, though. -What?
.
322
00:18:30,167 --> 00:18:31,934
When cherries are red, they're ready for plucking,
.
323
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:33,801
-when girls are 16, they're ready for... -Gareth.
.
324
00:18:33,868 --> 00:18:36,100
-You heard that one, then. -Well...
.
325
00:18:36,167 --> 00:18:39,767
So, are you going to fire the person she shag...slept with?
.
326
00:18:39,834 --> 00:18:43,167
It's a free country. I can't do anything about it. So...
.
327
00:18:43,234 --> 00:18:45,601
So, you won't fire them, as such?
.
328
00:18:45,667 --> 00:18:47,567
I won't look on him favourably, let's put it that way.
.
329
00:18:47,634 --> 00:18:50,000
Or her. Or her. It could be a girl.
.
330
00:18:50,067 --> 00:18:52,400
She's not a lesbian, Gareth.
.
331
00:18:52,467 --> 00:18:56,000
I think I'd know if a woman living under my roof
.
332
00:18:56,067 --> 00:18:58,434
liked to roll around with other women.
.
333
00:19:02,467 --> 00:19:04,100
Gareth? Don't you?
.
334
00:19:06,267 --> 00:19:09,300
Yep. Most probably.
.
335
00:19:09,367 --> 00:19:10,467
-Spoke to you at 5:00, yeah? -DAVID: Yeah.
.
336
00:19:10,534 --> 00:19:12,434
Get the call at 6:00 from the lads,
.
337
00:19:12,500 --> 00:19:14,567
drinks at 8:00 in the Chasers.
.
338
00:19:14,634 --> 00:19:16,934
-Spare bird going. -Not for long!
.
339
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:20,534
So I get there, she's aged 19. Ferrari chassis,
.
340
00:19:20,601 --> 00:19:24,000
fantastic-sized shelves and legs up to her arse.
.
341
00:19:24,067 --> 00:19:26,901
Muchos tequilas later, I'm in a cab with her.
.
342
00:19:26,968 --> 00:19:29,033
-Not only that... -Oh, dear.
.
343
00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:31,000
...but me mate's bird wants to get a lift with me and this nympho.
.
344
00:19:31,067 --> 00:19:32,601
DAVID: Oh, God, Finchy!
.
345
00:19:32,667 --> 00:19:34,200
So there I am, back of the cab,
.
346
00:19:34,267 --> 00:19:36,000
both of them got their laughing gear
.
347
00:19:36,067 --> 00:19:38,601
round the old single-barrel pump-action yogurt rifle, yeah?
.
348
00:19:38,667 --> 00:19:39,601
(BOTH LAUGHING)
.
349
00:19:39,667 --> 00:19:41,701
-His knob. -FINCH: So, back to mine,
.
350
00:19:41,767 --> 00:19:43,534
two hours sleep, yeah?
.
351
00:19:43,601 --> 00:19:46,100
Today, I bump into the mate whose bird I've done.
.
352
00:19:46,167 --> 00:19:49,567
-Ooh! -Sold him two tonne of high white wove.
.
353
00:19:49,634 --> 00:19:51,734
And he says to me, he says, "Hey, you look knackered."
.
354
00:19:51,801 --> 00:19:53,534
And I'm thinking, "Yeah.
.
355
00:19:53,601 --> 00:19:55,367
"And you looks like you've had a Pot Noodle and a wank, mate."
.
356
00:19:55,434 --> 00:19:57,133
-And you said that to him? -Unbelievable.
.
357
00:19:57,200 --> 00:20:00,133
FINCH: I shit you not. I'm seeing both of them tomorrow night.
.
358
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,500
Coming out tonight still, though? Wednesday night razz?
.
359
00:20:02,567 --> 00:20:03,968
Definitely.
.
360
00:20:04,033 --> 00:20:05,200
You coming, jobless?
.
361
00:20:05,267 --> 00:20:08,868
Yeah. If only for the conversation.
.
362
00:20:08,934 --> 00:20:12,901
-Oh. Pot Noodle and a wank! -The best wank.
.
363
00:20:12,968 --> 00:20:14,734
TIM: I don't know where we're going tonight.
.
364
00:20:14,801 --> 00:20:17,234
Obviously, Finchy's a sophisticated guy
.
365
00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:20,167
and Gareth's a culture vulture.
.
366
00:20:20,234 --> 00:20:22,767
So, will it be opera, ballet? I don't know.
.
367
00:20:24,033 --> 00:20:26,067
I know the RSC's in town, so...
.
368
00:20:26,133 --> 00:20:30,500
No, having said that, at Chasers it's a Hooch for a pound
.
369
00:20:30,567 --> 00:20:33,133
and Wonderbras-get-in-free night tonight, so...
.
370
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,033
I don't know. I don't know who'll win. It's exciting. I'm staying out of it.
.
371
00:20:37,467 --> 00:20:39,133
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
.
372
00:20:49,634 --> 00:20:50,934
Garcon!
.
373
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,200
-Who wants a Finch pinch? -What?
.
374
00:20:55,267 --> 00:20:59,067
Chris Finch, good to meet you. This is my very good friend Sir David Brent.
.
375
00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:00,500
Hiya.
.
376
00:21:00,567 --> 00:21:02,567
Joking. The only knighthood he's got is a condom.
.
377
00:21:02,634 --> 00:21:04,367
Knight hood.
.
378
00:21:04,434 --> 00:21:07,367
-Condom, sheath. -I'm saying the joke worked. Good.
.
379
00:21:07,434 --> 00:21:10,701
Condoms come in all different flavours now, don't they?
.
380
00:21:10,767 --> 00:21:13,901
Like strawberry and curry and that. Do you like curry?
.
381
00:21:17,367 --> 00:21:19,200
FINCH: Well, what are your names?
.
382
00:21:19,267 --> 00:21:21,167
I'm Lorna. This is Lindsey and Heather.
.
383
00:21:21,234 --> 00:21:23,300
DAVID: Hi, pleased to meet you. FINCH: Hi, nice to meet you.
.
384
00:21:23,367 --> 00:21:24,500
-Nice to meet you. -Pleased to meet you.
.
385
00:21:24,567 --> 00:21:26,300
And very nice to meet you.
.
386
00:21:26,367 --> 00:21:28,767
Nice to meet all of you. Anyone's fine.
.
387
00:21:31,234 --> 00:21:33,834
(SPINNING AROUND BY KYLIE MINOGUE PLAYING)
.
388
00:21:55,167 --> 00:21:56,834
Nice shirt.
.
389
00:21:56,901 --> 00:21:59,133
Cheers. Ciro Citterio.
.
390
00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:00,567
While you're down there, love.
.
391
00:22:00,634 --> 00:22:02,467
(LAUGHS)
.
392
00:22:02,667 --> 00:22:05,167
Well, you know what they say, "One up the bum, no harm done."
.
393
00:22:05,234 --> 00:22:07,000
-You never heard that before? -Yeah.
.
394
00:22:09,834 --> 00:22:11,500
Christ, that'll do.
.
395
00:22:11,567 --> 00:22:14,234
Hey, if you're looking for a seat, love, you can sit on my face!
.
396
00:22:14,300 --> 00:22:15,667
Not her, don't, please.
.
397
00:22:15,734 --> 00:22:17,267
She's staying with me. Her dad'll kill me.
.
398
00:22:17,334 --> 00:22:19,567
-Leave it. -God, you lucky bastard.
.
399
00:22:19,634 --> 00:22:22,033
That chair's a bit soft do you want something hard here?
.
400
00:22:22,100 --> 00:22:25,267
Don't. Do it to other girls. That's fine. Please, just...
.
401
00:22:37,434 --> 00:22:39,000
GARETH: Yeah, we go there every Wednesday night
.
402
00:22:39,067 --> 00:22:40,534
and it's a fun place,
.
403
00:22:40,601 --> 00:22:43,400
but it's full of loose women.
.
404
00:22:43,467 --> 00:22:46,701
And my only problem with that is venereal disease,
.
405
00:22:46,767 --> 00:22:49,467
which is disabilitating.
.
406
00:22:49,534 --> 00:22:52,901
Especially for a soldier.
.
407
00:22:52,968 --> 00:22:55,267
And it's irresponsible to the rest of your unit as well, all right?
.
408
00:22:55,334 --> 00:22:57,234
You've been under attack for days,
.
409
00:22:57,300 --> 00:23:01,133
there's a soldier down, he's wounded, gangrene's setting in.
.
410
00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:02,968
"Who's used all the penicillin?"
.
411
00:23:03,033 --> 00:23:05,834
"Oh, Mark Paxton, sir. He's got knob rot off some tart."
.
412
00:23:07,033 --> 00:23:08,234
(DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES)
.
413
00:23:22,167 --> 00:23:23,500
Coming through.
.
414
00:23:23,567 --> 00:23:24,701
(HUMMING)
.
415
00:23:24,767 --> 00:23:25,968
(MOCK GROWLS)
.
416
00:23:26,033 --> 00:23:27,067
(LAUGHS)
.
417
00:23:27,133 --> 00:23:29,067
Don't worry. I haven't got any balls.
.
418
00:23:30,367 --> 00:23:32,534
Vodka and Coke. Remembered.
.
419
00:23:33,300 --> 00:23:34,767
What am I drinking?
.
420
00:23:34,834 --> 00:23:36,367
-Lager? -Pint thereof.
.
421
00:23:52,500 --> 00:23:55,367
They're coming up to me, one at a time, and they're going,
.
422
00:23:55,434 --> 00:23:58,400
"Oh, will we be made redundant, David?"
.
423
00:23:58,467 --> 00:24:00,434
And I'm going, "No. Over my dead body."
.
424
00:24:00,500 --> 00:24:02,667
And they're going, "Don't put your neck on the line for us."
.
425
00:24:02,734 --> 00:24:06,000
I'm going "I will if I want to." Because, well,
.
426
00:24:06,067 --> 00:24:08,434
they bend over backwards for me, you know,
.
427
00:24:08,500 --> 00:24:10,567
and not because they're scared of me,
.
428
00:24:10,634 --> 00:24:13,434
but because they love me and I love them. You know?
.
429
00:24:13,500 --> 00:24:15,367
You'll grow to love me as well...
.
430
00:24:15,434 --> 00:24:17,834
Not... Because of what I am, not anything sexual.
.
431
00:24:36,567 --> 00:24:38,267
-David, David, David. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
.
432
00:24:42,100 --> 00:24:44,667
Hey, what bike you got?
.
433
00:24:44,734 --> 00:24:47,567
-A Matchless 500. -What's that, a Harley-Davidson?
.
434
00:24:47,634 --> 00:24:49,200
-I love all that. -Leave it.
.
435
00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:51,267
I'm not... Trying to get you out of it.
.
436
00:24:51,334 --> 00:24:53,567
TIM: Slough's nightlife is incredible.
.
437
00:24:53,634 --> 00:24:56,300
It's got two nightclubs. You've got Chasers
.
438
00:24:56,367 --> 00:24:58,567
and New York, New York.
.
439
00:24:58,634 --> 00:25:01,534
And they call it "The nightclub that never sleeps".
.
440
00:25:01,601 --> 00:25:04,100
That closes at 1:00. Mmm.
.
441
00:25:04,167 --> 00:25:06,367
There is... There was... Oh, my God.
.
442
00:25:06,434 --> 00:25:10,000
A themed nightclub called Henry VIII's, right?
.
443
00:25:10,067 --> 00:25:13,734
This was incredible. It had the Ann Boleyn Alley.
.
444
00:25:13,801 --> 00:25:16,067
This is true.
.
445
00:25:16,133 --> 00:25:20,334
As you went into the loo, there was a sign that said "Mind Your Head." Nice.
.
446
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:23,534
And underneath someone had written "Don't get your Hampton Court."
.
447
00:25:23,601 --> 00:25:25,067
Hmm-hmm!
.
448
00:25:25,133 --> 00:25:27,901
Yeah. It's not there any more.
.
449
00:25:27,968 --> 00:25:30,901
But there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about it.
.
450
00:25:32,434 --> 00:25:33,667
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
.
451
00:25:47,167 --> 00:25:49,133
Who are you?
.
452
00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,334
Oh, have you not met me husband Paul?
.
453
00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:52,834
Husband?
.
454
00:25:52,901 --> 00:25:54,701
Paul, is it all right if Gareth comes back with us?
.
455
00:25:54,767 --> 00:25:56,601
-Fine. -Husband?
.
456
00:25:56,667 --> 00:26:00,267
No way, I don't... No. Not interested. No.
.
457
00:26:00,334 --> 00:26:04,133
I'm not having another fella involved. Another girl, maybe, not another bloke.
.
458
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:05,968
I wouldn't even want him watching.
.
459
00:26:06,033 --> 00:26:07,934
No. No way.
.
460
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:10,868
(TAINTED LOVE BY SOFT CELL PLAYING)
.
461
00:26:36,801 --> 00:26:38,634
DONNA: Hi.
.
462
00:26:38,701 --> 00:26:41,734
-Hey. All right, mate? -Good to see you, all right, yeah.
.
463
00:26:45,434 --> 00:26:48,400
-So now you know. -DAVID: Yeah, brilliant.
.
464
00:26:48,467 --> 00:26:50,234
What? You got a problem with Ricky?
.
465
00:26:50,300 --> 00:26:51,934
No. Sleep with everyone in the office.
.
466
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:53,634
He's not even a permanent member of staff.
.
467
00:26:53,701 --> 00:26:54,968
I'd have preferred it if you slept with Gareth.
.
468
00:26:55,033 --> 00:26:56,467
Wouldn't happen.
.
469
00:26:56,534 --> 00:26:57,834
Oh, why? 'Cause he didn't go to university?
.
470
00:26:57,901 --> 00:27:00,267
No, because he's a little weasel-faced arse.
.
471
00:27:00,334 --> 00:27:01,634
Yeah, you could do worse than Gareth.
.
472
00:27:01,701 --> 00:27:04,267
He hasn't missed one day in this office from ill health.
.
473
00:27:04,334 --> 00:27:07,167
And don't call my second-in-command an arse-faced weasel.
.
474
00:27:07,234 --> 00:27:09,000
-A weasel-faced arse. -Same thing.
.
475
00:27:09,067 --> 00:27:10,968
Well, no, it's not. Would you rather have a face like an arse
.
476
00:27:11,033 --> 00:27:12,601
or a face like a weasel?
.
477
00:27:14,234 --> 00:27:15,868
A weasel, probably?
.
478
00:27:15,934 --> 00:27:18,667
Anyway, fuck this. Don't tell me who I can and can't see.
.
479
00:27:18,734 --> 00:27:20,300
I hope you're not going to sleep with a woman, David,
.
480
00:27:20,367 --> 00:27:22,601
'cause obviously you find sex so disgusting.
.
481
00:27:22,667 --> 00:27:24,868
Chance would be a fine thing. He couldn't pull in a brothel.
.
482
00:27:24,934 --> 00:27:26,467
I could and I have!
.
483
00:27:26,534 --> 00:27:28,133
And yes, I will take her home with me if I want.
.
484
00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:29,334
I don't want to come home with you.
.
485
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:31,234
She doesn't want to come home with me.
.
486
00:27:31,300 --> 00:27:34,000
I don't want you to come home with me. That's a waste of an hour.
.
487
00:27:34,067 --> 00:27:36,701
So the only reason you've been talking to me is because you want to shag me?
.
488
00:27:36,767 --> 00:27:39,000
Yeah, and from behind, because your breath stinks of onions.
.
489
00:27:39,067 --> 00:27:40,701
And I didn't tell you that, did I?
.
490
00:27:40,767 --> 00:27:43,000
FINCH: Whoo! One up the bum, no harm done.
.
491
00:27:43,067 --> 00:27:44,901
No. Not up the arse.
.
492
00:27:53,934 --> 00:27:57,234
DAVID: This is the poem Slough by Sir John Betjeman.
.
493
00:27:57,300 --> 00:27:59,834
Probably never been here in his life.
.
494
00:27:59,901 --> 00:28:02,267
"Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough!
.
495
00:28:02,334 --> 00:28:03,934
"It isn't fit for humans now."
.
496
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:07,133
Right, I don't think you solve town planning problems
.
497
00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:10,467
by dropping bombs all over the place, so he's embarrassed himself there. Next.
.
498
00:28:10,534 --> 00:28:13,334
Um... "In labour-saving homes, with care
.
499
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:15,767
"Their wives frizz out peroxide hair
.
500
00:28:15,834 --> 00:28:18,801
"And dry it in synthetic air And paint their nails."
.
501
00:28:18,868 --> 00:28:19,901
They want to look nice.
.
502
00:28:20,100 --> 00:28:22,634
Why's he got a... Doesn't he like girls?
.
503
00:28:22,701 --> 00:28:26,901
"And talk of sports and makes of cars In various bogus-Tudor bars
.
504
00:28:26,968 --> 00:28:29,667
"And daren't look up and see the stars But belch instead."
.
505
00:28:29,734 --> 00:28:32,734
What's he on about? What, so he never burped?
.
506
00:28:32,801 --> 00:28:34,167
-Where are we going? -You just...
.
507
00:28:34,234 --> 00:28:35,767
TIM: What do you mean? I'm going home, mate.
.
508
00:28:35,834 --> 00:28:37,167
-No, one more drink. Don't be a poof. -No, I'm going home.
.
509
00:28:37,234 --> 00:28:38,300
-Come on, one more drink. -David...
.
510
00:28:38,367 --> 00:28:39,500
-One more drink. -David...
.
511
00:28:39,567 --> 00:28:41,767
-# Life, oh, life -Shut up. Shut up.
.
512
00:28:41,834 --> 00:28:44,400
# Oh, life, oh, life #
.
513
00:28:44,467 --> 00:28:45,968
TIM: Don't do that. DAVID: It's my favourite.
.
514
00:28:46,033 --> 00:28:48,100
DAVID: "Come, friendly bombs and fall on Slough
.
515
00:28:48,167 --> 00:28:49,634
"To get it ready for the plough.
.
516
00:28:49,701 --> 00:28:53,133
"The cabbages are coming now, the earth exhales."
.
517
00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:54,100
He's the only cabbage round here.
.
518
00:29:18,334 --> 00:29:20,701
And they made him a knight of the realm.
.
519
00:29:21,667 --> 00:29:22,667
Overrated.
.
41261
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