1 00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:33,200 I'm not thinking about it, I'm doing it. . 2 00:00:33,267 --> 00:00:35,634 I'm leaving to go back to university . 3 00:00:35,701 --> 00:00:40,601 to learn about more than the price of opti-bright laser copy paper, you know. . 4 00:00:40,667 --> 00:00:43,200 -298 a gram. -240 a gram. Check the list. . 5 00:00:43,267 --> 00:00:44,601 Yeah, I thought you said something different. . 6 00:00:44,667 --> 00:00:47,534 -What are you going to study? -Psychology. . 7 00:00:47,601 --> 00:00:49,300 Why do you want to be a psychiatrist for? . 8 00:00:49,367 --> 00:00:50,934 They're all mad themselves, aren't they? . 9 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,367 I want to be a psychologist. . 10 00:00:52,434 --> 00:00:54,367 Same difference. All right then, Einstein. . 11 00:00:54,434 --> 00:00:56,167 If you're so clever, what am I thinking about now? . 12 00:00:56,234 --> 00:00:59,834 You're thinking, "How could I kill a tiger armed only with a biro?" . 13 00:00:59,901 --> 00:01:01,400 -No. -No? . 14 00:01:01,467 --> 00:01:03,500 You're thinking, "If I crash-land in a jungle, . 15 00:01:03,567 --> 00:01:05,567 "will I be able to eat my own shoes?" . 16 00:01:05,634 --> 00:01:08,367 -No, and you can't. -Right. What are you thinking, Gareth? . 17 00:01:08,434 --> 00:01:11,534 I was just wondering, "Will there ever be a boy born . 18 00:01:12,701 --> 00:01:14,868 "who can swim faster than a shark?" . 19 00:01:18,868 --> 00:01:22,133 (TALKING INDISTINCTLY) . 20 00:01:25,801 --> 00:01:27,300 GARETH: All right? . 21 00:01:27,367 --> 00:01:29,701 Oh, midday. Are you just getting in? . 22 00:01:29,767 --> 00:01:31,601 No. I should be here in about an hour. . 23 00:01:31,667 --> 00:01:38,801 (SNIGGERS) About an hour. You're already here. I get it. . 24 00:01:38,868 --> 00:01:41,267 Who am I, then, Dixon of Dock Green? . 25 00:01:41,334 --> 00:01:44,000 -What? -Evening, all. . 26 00:01:44,067 --> 00:01:45,968 -Brilliant. -Sorry I'm late. . 27 00:01:46,033 --> 00:01:49,467 Yeah. Not so worried about that, but while you're lodging with me, . 28 00:01:49,534 --> 00:01:52,667 your parents have entrusted me with their most valuable possession. . 29 00:01:52,734 --> 00:01:53,901 You. . 30 00:01:53,968 --> 00:01:56,868 Yeah? Ipso facto, . 31 00:01:56,934 --> 00:02:01,934 trust received, responsibility given and taken. . 32 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:03,300 Yeah? . 33 00:02:03,367 --> 00:02:06,000 I'm your guardian. You stayed out all night. . 34 00:02:06,067 --> 00:02:08,601 Okay. You stayed with a friend, that's fine. . 35 00:02:08,667 --> 00:02:10,534 I'm a little bit annoyed at her parents for not calling me... . 36 00:02:10,601 --> 00:02:12,934 -His parents weren't in. -His parents. It's a bloke, so what? . 37 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:17,100 Come on. God. Chill out, shall we, please? . 38 00:02:17,167 --> 00:02:20,167 You know. Girl with a friend that happens to be a boy. . 39 00:02:20,234 --> 00:02:22,467 -I could stay at Dawn's. -No, you couldn't. . 40 00:02:22,534 --> 00:02:25,000 I could if I got off with... At the wrong... . 41 00:02:25,067 --> 00:02:27,500 Got off at the wrong bus stop. . 42 00:02:27,567 --> 00:02:29,434 I could, you know, I'd be on the floor... . 43 00:02:29,500 --> 00:02:31,100 Yeah. We spent some time on the floor. . 44 00:02:31,167 --> 00:02:33,500 For a good reason... . 45 00:02:33,567 --> 00:02:34,467 probably. . 46 00:02:34,534 --> 00:02:35,901 More room. . 47 00:02:35,968 --> 00:02:39,667 Just go free. Come on. Jesus. You know. . 48 00:02:39,734 --> 00:02:42,167 -But if I did stay at Dawn's... -Which you couldn't. . 49 00:02:42,234 --> 00:02:43,767 You could stay at mine if you wanted. . 50 00:02:43,834 --> 00:02:45,801 DAVID: I don't want to stay at yours. . 51 00:02:45,868 --> 00:02:48,334 The point is if I did stay at Dawn's, . 52 00:02:49,500 --> 00:02:51,033 there'd be no funny business. . 53 00:02:51,100 --> 00:02:52,868 There was no funny business, fine. . 54 00:02:52,934 --> 00:02:54,100 Apart from all the sex, but we'll do it at your place next time . 55 00:02:54,167 --> 00:02:56,000 so you don't have to worry. . 56 00:02:57,567 --> 00:02:59,868 It wasn't anyone in the office, was it? . 57 00:02:59,934 --> 00:03:01,300 It was, actually. . 58 00:03:01,367 --> 00:03:03,167 I slept with somebody in the office, everybody! . 59 00:03:03,234 --> 00:03:06,901 (LAUGHING) Show's over. All right, good. Well done. That's fine. . 60 00:03:06,968 --> 00:03:08,601 Don't even... It's not that... . 61 00:03:08,667 --> 00:03:09,734 Oh. . 62 00:03:13,067 --> 00:03:14,834 Oh. . 63 00:03:14,901 --> 00:03:16,434 I'd let you stay at mine. . 64 00:03:18,634 --> 00:03:19,567 (PHONE RINGS) . 65 00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:26,834 Um, well, I'm getting a secretary because I need one. So... . 66 00:03:26,901 --> 00:03:30,000 And the lucky contestants are... . 67 00:03:31,067 --> 00:03:32,400 All right? . 68 00:03:32,467 --> 00:03:34,500 DAWN: Oh. This is Stuart Foot. DAVID: Hi, Stuart. . 69 00:03:34,567 --> 00:03:36,901 -And Karen Roper. -Mr Brent. . 70 00:03:36,968 --> 00:03:39,133 I don't know a Mr Brent. David. . 71 00:03:40,367 --> 00:03:42,133 She'll brighten up the place, won't she? . 72 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:43,400 If she gets the job. So will he. . 73 00:03:43,467 --> 00:03:45,767 If he gets it. Because you're both equal. . 74 00:03:45,834 --> 00:03:50,767 So we're on the no foregone conclusion, based on interview and merit. . 75 00:03:50,834 --> 00:03:53,601 I mean, it is up to me, ultimately, but good luck. . 76 00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:56,834 You'd do well to impress me. So, nurse, the Polaroid! . 77 00:03:56,901 --> 00:03:59,868 (LAUGHS) Just for, um... . 78 00:03:59,934 --> 00:04:03,434 Just for... Sit down. I'm just going to take a snapshot. . 79 00:04:03,500 --> 00:04:05,834 Just for the files. Just to keep on record. . 80 00:04:05,901 --> 00:04:07,500 I'll do it. I'll do it. . 81 00:04:07,567 --> 00:04:09,634 Let's get that lovely smile on... . 82 00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:13,100 I'll come down here. . 83 00:04:13,167 --> 00:04:15,334 That's nice. Oh, look, the hair all... . 84 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:17,767 Lovely. That looks nice. Lovely blue eyes. . 85 00:04:17,834 --> 00:04:19,067 Okay. Big smile. . 86 00:04:20,801 --> 00:04:24,801 That was lovely. Lovely, lovely. Just give that a minute. . 87 00:04:24,868 --> 00:04:27,000 We'll have a look at that. Do one of you as well. . 88 00:04:28,667 --> 00:04:29,701 Good. . 89 00:04:30,467 --> 00:04:32,367 Good. . 90 00:04:32,434 --> 00:04:33,868 -We're doing Stuart first. -Yeah. Let's get him out the way. . 91 00:04:33,934 --> 00:04:35,033 Come on, follow me. . 92 00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:36,300 Through here. . 93 00:04:49,467 --> 00:04:50,467 Good. . 94 00:04:57,567 --> 00:04:58,901 Stuart Foot. . 95 00:05:06,734 --> 00:05:08,901 Oh. What is that? . 96 00:05:08,968 --> 00:05:13,200 "Money don't make my world go round, I'm reaching out to a higher ground." . 97 00:05:13,267 --> 00:05:16,500 -Is that a philosopher? -Des'ree. . 98 00:05:16,567 --> 00:05:18,167 The singer? . 99 00:05:18,234 --> 00:05:20,934 . 100 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,567 (BEATING RHYTHM ON TABLE) . 101 00:05:22,634 --> 00:05:25,467 . 102 00:05:27,434 --> 00:05:30,767 . 103 00:05:30,834 --> 00:05:34,701 . 104 00:05:35,734 --> 00:05:36,801 I don't think I... . 105 00:05:36,868 --> 00:05:38,834 . 106 00:05:38,901 --> 00:05:41,500 . 107 00:05:41,567 --> 00:05:43,434 Why do you want to work here? . 108 00:05:43,500 --> 00:05:44,701 Shoot. . 109 00:05:44,767 --> 00:05:48,434 Yeah. "The bosses" are panicking. . 110 00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:52,133 They're going, "Oh, cut back, lose staff. . 111 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:55,400 "That's the way forward. That'll save us money." Will it? . 112 00:05:55,467 --> 00:05:57,267 Yeah? . 113 00:05:57,334 --> 00:06:01,701 Who's to say that hiring staff won't save money in the long run? . 114 00:06:01,767 --> 00:06:04,901 Does a struggling salesman start turning up on a bicycle? . 115 00:06:04,968 --> 00:06:07,834 No, he turns up in a newer car. Perception, yeah? . 116 00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:10,834 They've got to trust me. I'm taking these guys into battle, yeah? . 117 00:06:10,901 --> 00:06:13,434 And I'm doing me own stapling. . 118 00:06:13,500 --> 00:06:17,000 A sergeant major spends all his time training his men to be killers. . 119 00:06:17,067 --> 00:06:19,400 He doesn't polish his own boots. . 120 00:06:19,467 --> 00:06:21,834 He probably does polish his own boots, . 121 00:06:21,901 --> 00:06:24,767 but, you know, that doesn't mean... . 122 00:06:24,834 --> 00:06:27,033 It doesn't mean I have to do my own filing. . 123 00:06:32,667 --> 00:06:35,567 Hi. Are you ready to see Karen Roper now? . 124 00:06:35,634 --> 00:06:36,701 Yeah. . 125 00:07:09,634 --> 00:07:10,801 KAREN: Thank you. . 126 00:07:10,868 --> 00:07:12,901 -Hi. -Hello. . 127 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,100 -Let's get you sat down. -Okay. . 128 00:07:15,167 --> 00:07:17,467 No. I've got one over here ready. . 129 00:07:18,667 --> 00:07:20,200 (DAVID SIGHS) . 130 00:07:20,267 --> 00:07:22,067 Good. Pop it down. . 131 00:07:22,133 --> 00:07:24,701 Good. Right. . 132 00:07:24,767 --> 00:07:25,868 The interview. . 133 00:07:25,934 --> 00:07:27,500 Let's see . 134 00:07:27,567 --> 00:07:30,834 what we've got here. Hmm. . 135 00:07:30,901 --> 00:07:32,200 Karen Roper. . 136 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:37,100 Curriculum vitae. Mmm. . 137 00:07:37,167 --> 00:07:39,634 Just looking at this. Checking it out. . 138 00:07:41,234 --> 00:07:43,767 Good. Tell me about yourself. . 139 00:07:43,834 --> 00:07:48,000 Um, well, I did GCSEs and A-levels and... . 140 00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:51,634 Too boring. Tell me about yourself. . 141 00:07:51,701 --> 00:07:56,634 Okay. Well, I'm quite into films and music. . 142 00:07:56,701 --> 00:07:57,734 Yeah? . 143 00:07:59,534 --> 00:08:01,267 Des'ree? . 144 00:08:01,334 --> 00:08:04,234 -I don't really know... -Oh, yeah. Let's put that down there. . 145 00:08:07,801 --> 00:08:13,200 Last year, I took a year out and I went travelling, exploring... . 146 00:08:13,267 --> 00:08:14,801 Exploring yourself. . 147 00:08:15,834 --> 00:08:18,367 And Asia. . 148 00:08:18,434 --> 00:08:21,267 -Just with your boyfriend? -No, I was on my own. . 149 00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:24,434 Good, by yourself, just out there. Free. . 150 00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:27,467 Getting what you can while you're young. . 151 00:08:29,767 --> 00:08:31,500 I don't know when... . 152 00:08:33,500 --> 00:08:37,334 You've charmed me, yeah? You've got the job. . 153 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:39,500 Think of a decision, I make it. Good. . 154 00:08:39,567 --> 00:08:41,601 Work out your notice with the place you're at now . 155 00:08:41,801 --> 00:08:43,267 and we'll put you on a month's probation. . 156 00:08:43,334 --> 00:08:46,267 -But that's just to see if we... -Okay. . 157 00:08:46,334 --> 00:08:48,634 Yeah? Good. Good. . 158 00:08:49,968 --> 00:08:52,434 Out tonight celebrating, I suppose? . 159 00:08:52,500 --> 00:08:55,868 Um, yeah. Going to... Do you know the Chasers? . 160 00:08:55,934 --> 00:08:57,834 Oh, I don't believe it. . 161 00:08:57,901 --> 00:09:01,667 If you see three debauched drunkards in the corner, keep away from us! . 162 00:09:01,734 --> 00:09:05,868 No, come over. The drinks will be on me. In me! . 163 00:09:05,934 --> 00:09:07,334 What time are you going to cruise down there? . 164 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,133 It's not definite that we're going... . 165 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:12,467 No, come down. Come down. Definitely. What's your tipple? . 166 00:09:12,534 --> 00:09:15,767 -Um, vodka and Coke. -Me, lager. . 167 00:09:17,534 --> 00:09:21,334 Finchy, lager. Gareth, lager, sometimes cider. So... . 168 00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:24,367 Different drinks for different needs. . 169 00:09:24,901 --> 00:09:26,167 Yeah. . 170 00:09:26,234 --> 00:09:28,367 Good. Well done. Well done again. . 171 00:09:28,434 --> 00:09:30,167 -Congratulations. -Okay. Thank you. . 172 00:09:36,267 --> 00:09:37,968 New secretary. Good. . 173 00:09:39,133 --> 00:09:40,400 Efficient. . 174 00:09:47,467 --> 00:09:49,367 -So you've resigned, then? -Yeah. . 175 00:09:49,434 --> 00:09:51,901 I've just got to hand in my notice, make it official. . 176 00:09:51,968 --> 00:09:54,734 You embarrassed yourself and all, didn't you, asking Dawn out? . 177 00:09:54,801 --> 00:09:56,701 No, wait. I didn't ask her out. That was... . 178 00:09:56,767 --> 00:09:58,767 Why does everyone think... It was as a friend, okay? . 179 00:09:58,834 --> 00:10:00,667 -Right. Right. -Just as a friend. . 180 00:10:07,567 --> 00:10:11,100 Hi, Donna. How's it going? Settling in? Mind if I... . 181 00:10:11,801 --> 00:10:13,400 (CHUCKLES) . 182 00:10:13,467 --> 00:10:15,334 Who left that there? . 183 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,467 Um... . 184 00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:19,934 Yeah. There's going to be a Health and Safety seminar a little bit later on, . 185 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:21,934 which I'd like you to attend. . 186 00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:23,767 -Right. -Compulsory, I'm afraid. . 187 00:10:23,834 --> 00:10:25,934 But that's not to say it won't be fun. . 188 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,567 You know, I like to inject my own sense of fun into the proceedings. . 189 00:10:29,634 --> 00:10:32,000 So, 2:00 in the meeting room, all right? . 190 00:10:32,968 --> 00:10:34,267 See you there. . 191 00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:44,834 (KEITH EXHALES) . 192 00:10:44,901 --> 00:10:47,300 Just looking at the booklet at the moment? . 193 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:49,534 Yeah. . 194 00:10:49,601 --> 00:10:51,100 What did you watch on telly last night? . 195 00:10:51,167 --> 00:10:52,567 I didn't watch telly, I watched a video. . 196 00:10:52,634 --> 00:10:55,067 -I watched that Peak Practice. -Yeah, I've never seen it. . 197 00:10:55,267 --> 00:10:58,500 -Bloody repeat. -Yeah. That's annoying, isn't it? . 198 00:10:58,567 --> 00:11:00,234 Not for me. I hadn't seen it. . 199 00:11:05,234 --> 00:11:09,367 Boring, isn't it? Just staying in, watching Peak Practice with your life. . 200 00:11:09,434 --> 00:11:12,434 -Mmm, yeah. -Not for me. I like it. . 201 00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:14,901 Yeah. I just stayed in, had a big wank. . 202 00:11:18,601 --> 00:11:21,033 -That should be enough, shouldn't it? -Yeah. Fine. . 203 00:11:21,100 --> 00:11:23,234 -The information's elsewhere. -He won't read it. . 204 00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:24,500 (KAREN LAUGHS) . 205 00:11:24,567 --> 00:11:26,434 Despite having done it twice. . 206 00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:29,534 I'll have to get my P45 from my other job. . 207 00:11:29,601 --> 00:11:30,901 DAWN: Okay. . 208 00:11:30,968 --> 00:11:33,534 Brent, just Roper to beat! . 209 00:11:33,601 --> 00:11:35,901 I bloody love football, don't I? . 210 00:11:36,100 --> 00:11:37,367 (RINGS BELL) Service, barman. . 211 00:11:37,434 --> 00:11:40,567 Lager, vodka and Coke. Gave her the gig. . 212 00:11:40,634 --> 00:11:42,934 Oh, God! The dreaded form. . 213 00:11:43,133 --> 00:11:46,234 Does it say on there whether you're married or single? . 214 00:11:46,300 --> 00:11:47,634 It doesn't matter. Whatever. . 215 00:11:47,701 --> 00:11:49,267 Bring your boyfriend down tonight if you want. . 216 00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:50,534 -I don't have a boyfriend. -Whatever. . 217 00:11:50,601 --> 00:11:52,500 -Oh, sorry! Sorry. -Oh! . 218 00:11:52,567 --> 00:11:56,100 That is a man's game. That is... That is... Yeah. . 219 00:11:56,167 --> 00:11:57,634 -I can't see. -Accidental. . 220 00:11:57,701 --> 00:12:00,300 -DAWN: Let me look. -Sorry. . 221 00:12:00,367 --> 00:12:01,968 That's why they shouldn't get involved, really. . 222 00:12:02,033 --> 00:12:03,033 Oh, God! . 223 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:14,534 -Hi. -Hello. All right? . 224 00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:18,234 -Yeah. I was just... -I've got to go in a sec. So... . 225 00:12:18,300 --> 00:12:20,701 -No. I can eat here? -Of course, you can. . 226 00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:33,567 So we should go for that drink. . 227 00:12:33,634 --> 00:12:35,100 Oh, yeah, yeah. . 228 00:12:35,167 --> 00:12:37,367 -You, me and Lee. -Yeah, the three of us. . 229 00:12:37,434 --> 00:12:40,601 I can probably get someone to come along, so... . 230 00:12:40,667 --> 00:12:42,300 Good. . 231 00:12:42,367 --> 00:12:44,934 -Uh, in the next few weeks? -Definitely. Of course. . 232 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:48,467 -Right, I'll just check with Lee. -Yeah, absolutely. Of course. . 233 00:12:54,300 --> 00:12:56,868 -Gareth. -All right? . 234 00:12:56,934 --> 00:12:58,701 Gareteo. How are you, mate? . 235 00:13:00,968 --> 00:13:02,500 Nothing. Good to see you. . 236 00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:05,567 (TIM CLEARS THROAT) . 237 00:13:10,734 --> 00:13:13,334 You weren't trying to get off with her, were you? . 238 00:13:19,834 --> 00:13:23,868 Okay. Welcome to Wernham Hogg Health and Safety Training . 239 00:13:23,934 --> 00:13:26,667 with Gareth Keenan. Okay? . 240 00:13:26,734 --> 00:13:29,300 That's me. Pleased to meet you. . 241 00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:33,868 There are many hidden dangers in the workspace, . 242 00:13:33,934 --> 00:13:36,033 and today we're going to find out what those dangers are . 243 00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:37,334 together, all right? . 244 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:40,801 Starting off with your workstation. . 245 00:13:40,868 --> 00:13:45,167 Now, I want you to imagine that this is a mug of hot coffee. . 246 00:13:45,234 --> 00:13:46,968 It's not, okay, . 247 00:13:47,033 --> 00:13:49,734 because that would be dangerous even in a training situation. . 248 00:13:49,801 --> 00:13:55,200 What we're going to do is play a little fun game that I've made up. . 249 00:13:55,267 --> 00:13:58,200 All right? I like to have a bit of fun when I'm teaching people. . 250 00:13:58,267 --> 00:14:01,434 In fact, I like to have a laugh most of the time, in and out of work. . 251 00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:03,267 In fact, there's a few of us going out tonight... . 252 00:14:03,334 --> 00:14:04,601 Shall we crack on? . 253 00:14:06,534 --> 00:14:10,634 Good. Keen. Excellent. All right. . 254 00:14:10,701 --> 00:14:13,734 Now, watch where I place this mug . 255 00:14:13,801 --> 00:14:19,167 in order to simulate where someone might put a mug in real life. . 256 00:14:19,234 --> 00:14:24,567 What I want you to do is shout out, and shout, mind, "safe" or "dangerous". . 257 00:14:24,634 --> 00:14:27,868 All right? Think you can manage that? . 258 00:14:29,133 --> 00:14:30,567 Okay. Let's go. . 259 00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:37,400 Dangerous. . 260 00:14:55,901 --> 00:14:57,934 Dangerous. . 261 00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:59,300 So, what have we learnt there? . 262 00:14:59,367 --> 00:15:01,267 Don't pour coffee over the computer? . 263 00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:04,100 Any fluids. Right? Good. . 264 00:15:05,167 --> 00:15:07,334 First-class, Dawn. . 265 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:08,801 -You all right? -Eh? . 266 00:15:08,868 --> 00:15:11,601 -You all right? -Yeah, yeah. Fine, thanks. . 267 00:15:11,667 --> 00:15:13,734 Have you had a good morning or a bad morning? . 268 00:15:13,801 --> 00:15:18,100 A bit of a... (LAUGHS) Oh, God, a bit of a mad morning. . 269 00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:20,534 -Never mind. -See you later. . 270 00:15:20,601 --> 00:15:21,400 Okay. . 271 00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:27,767 Basically, there's a correct way and an incorrect way to lift stuff. . 272 00:15:27,834 --> 00:15:30,234 All right? This is the incorrect way. . 273 00:15:35,167 --> 00:15:37,601 Okay? Incorrect. . 274 00:15:37,667 --> 00:15:39,400 The correct way, two things to remember. . 275 00:15:39,467 --> 00:15:42,133 First of all, keep your back nice and straight. Straight back. . 276 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,067 -And then... -And bend your knees. . 277 00:15:44,133 --> 00:15:47,968 You got to keep your back straight and bend your knees. All right? . 278 00:15:48,033 --> 00:15:50,467 Very important. . 279 00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:54,901 -Do you want to try that with me? -I'm fine. . 280 00:15:54,968 --> 00:15:59,167 Well, I'm supposed to witness you do it so I can tick the box. So... . 281 00:15:59,234 --> 00:16:00,901 Just do it with me a couple of times. . 282 00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:05,000 All right? So, nice straight back, bend your knees... . 283 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,434 Up. That's it. . 284 00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:11,734 Down again. Same on the way down as on the way up. . 285 00:16:27,133 --> 00:16:28,434 Down again. . 286 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:31,300 Good. One more time. . 287 00:16:31,367 --> 00:16:33,701 Nice, straight back. That's it. . 288 00:16:33,767 --> 00:16:35,234 That's it. Great. . 289 00:16:35,300 --> 00:16:38,534 One more time. That's it. So, you got that? . 290 00:16:38,601 --> 00:16:40,200 I'll practise it at home. . 291 00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:43,033 Excellent. Good. Well done. . 292 00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:44,968 If there's any questions you want to ask, . 293 00:16:45,033 --> 00:16:48,834 or if you want to talk about anything at all, just come and see... . 294 00:16:48,901 --> 00:16:51,033 I know you've, um... . 295 00:16:51,100 --> 00:16:53,434 -I know you slept with... -Are we done, then? . 296 00:16:53,500 --> 00:16:55,467 -You made a mistake, that's fine. -I haven't made a mistake. . 297 00:16:55,534 --> 00:16:58,300 I was just checking whether you're going to be sleeping with him again or no. . 298 00:16:58,367 --> 00:17:00,400 -Spreading it around... -Right. Bye. . 299 00:17:04,667 --> 00:17:05,601 Good. Good. . 300 00:17:07,500 --> 00:17:08,834 Yeah. . 301 00:17:08,901 --> 00:17:11,801 Excellent pupil. Fast learner. . 302 00:17:11,868 --> 00:17:17,934 She won't be spilling any fluids or lifting things incorrectly. . 303 00:17:18,133 --> 00:17:20,133 A, I'm going to give her. . 304 00:17:21,467 --> 00:17:22,300 A. . 305 00:17:25,734 --> 00:17:26,701 (TAPPING KEYBOARD) . 306 00:17:29,367 --> 00:17:30,901 Hi, Gareth. Quick question, mate. . 307 00:17:30,968 --> 00:17:33,367 I've got these invoices to file and I don't know... . 308 00:17:33,434 --> 00:17:34,734 (CONTINUES TYPING) . 309 00:17:50,267 --> 00:17:51,934 -Yes? -Where do I file these? . 310 00:17:52,133 --> 00:17:53,901 -I don't know. -Excellent. Thanks. . 311 00:17:56,601 --> 00:17:57,701 Who am I? . 312 00:17:58,868 --> 00:18:00,901 (LAUGHS) I don't know. . 313 00:18:00,968 --> 00:18:02,434 Indiana Jones. . 314 00:18:03,567 --> 00:18:06,701 (CONTINUE TALKING, INDISTINCT) . 315 00:18:06,767 --> 00:18:09,500 GARETH: It's not as if she's your daughter or anything. . 316 00:18:09,567 --> 00:18:12,067 No. But, that's not the point. It's the principle. . 317 00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:13,567 It was about respect. . 318 00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:15,601 Yeah. Showing a bit of respect. . 319 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:23,234 And while she's under my roof, she will obey my laws. So... . 320 00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:26,500 Showing respect by obeying the law. . 321 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,100 -She's legal, though. -What? . 322 00:18:30,167 --> 00:18:31,934 When cherries are red, they're ready for plucking, . 323 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:33,801 -when girls are 16, they're ready for... -Gareth. . 324 00:18:33,868 --> 00:18:36,100 -You heard that one, then. -Well... . 325 00:18:36,167 --> 00:18:39,767 So, are you going to fire the person she shag...slept with? . 326 00:18:39,834 --> 00:18:43,167 It's a free country. I can't do anything about it. So... . 327 00:18:43,234 --> 00:18:45,601 So, you won't fire them, as such? . 328 00:18:45,667 --> 00:18:47,567 I won't look on him favourably, let's put it that way. . 329 00:18:47,634 --> 00:18:50,000 Or her. Or her. It could be a girl. . 330 00:18:50,067 --> 00:18:52,400 She's not a lesbian, Gareth. . 331 00:18:52,467 --> 00:18:56,000 I think I'd know if a woman living under my roof . 332 00:18:56,067 --> 00:18:58,434 liked to roll around with other women. . 333 00:19:02,467 --> 00:19:04,100 Gareth? Don't you? . 334 00:19:06,267 --> 00:19:09,300 Yep. Most probably. . 335 00:19:09,367 --> 00:19:10,467 -Spoke to you at 5:00, yeah? -DAVID: Yeah. . 336 00:19:10,534 --> 00:19:12,434 Get the call at 6:00 from the lads, . 337 00:19:12,500 --> 00:19:14,567 drinks at 8:00 in the Chasers. . 338 00:19:14,634 --> 00:19:16,934 -Spare bird going. -Not for long! . 339 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:20,534 So I get there, she's aged 19. Ferrari chassis, . 340 00:19:20,601 --> 00:19:24,000 fantastic-sized shelves and legs up to her arse. . 341 00:19:24,067 --> 00:19:26,901 Muchos tequilas later, I'm in a cab with her. . 342 00:19:26,968 --> 00:19:29,033 -Not only that... -Oh, dear. . 343 00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:31,000 ...but me mate's bird wants to get a lift with me and this nympho. . 344 00:19:31,067 --> 00:19:32,601 DAVID: Oh, God, Finchy! . 345 00:19:32,667 --> 00:19:34,200 So there I am, back of the cab, . 346 00:19:34,267 --> 00:19:36,000 both of them got their laughing gear . 347 00:19:36,067 --> 00:19:38,601 round the old single-barrel pump-action yogurt rifle, yeah? . 348 00:19:38,667 --> 00:19:39,601 (BOTH LAUGHING) . 349 00:19:39,667 --> 00:19:41,701 -His knob. -FINCH: So, back to mine, . 350 00:19:41,767 --> 00:19:43,534 two hours sleep, yeah? . 351 00:19:43,601 --> 00:19:46,100 Today, I bump into the mate whose bird I've done. . 352 00:19:46,167 --> 00:19:49,567 -Ooh! -Sold him two tonne of high white wove. . 353 00:19:49,634 --> 00:19:51,734 And he says to me, he says, "Hey, you look knackered." . 354 00:19:51,801 --> 00:19:53,534 And I'm thinking, "Yeah. . 355 00:19:53,601 --> 00:19:55,367 "And you looks like you've had a Pot Noodle and a wank, mate." . 356 00:19:55,434 --> 00:19:57,133 -And you said that to him? -Unbelievable. . 357 00:19:57,200 --> 00:20:00,133 FINCH: I shit you not. I'm seeing both of them tomorrow night. . 358 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,500 Coming out tonight still, though? Wednesday night razz? . 359 00:20:02,567 --> 00:20:03,968 Definitely. . 360 00:20:04,033 --> 00:20:05,200 You coming, jobless? . 361 00:20:05,267 --> 00:20:08,868 Yeah. If only for the conversation. . 362 00:20:08,934 --> 00:20:12,901 -Oh. Pot Noodle and a wank! -The best wank. . 363 00:20:12,968 --> 00:20:14,734 TIM: I don't know where we're going tonight. . 364 00:20:14,801 --> 00:20:17,234 Obviously, Finchy's a sophisticated guy . 365 00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:20,167 and Gareth's a culture vulture. . 366 00:20:20,234 --> 00:20:22,767 So, will it be opera, ballet? I don't know. . 367 00:20:24,033 --> 00:20:26,067 I know the RSC's in town, so... . 368 00:20:26,133 --> 00:20:30,500 No, having said that, at Chasers it's a Hooch for a pound . 369 00:20:30,567 --> 00:20:33,133 and Wonderbras-get-in-free night tonight, so... . 370 00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,033 I don't know. I don't know who'll win. It's exciting. I'm staying out of it. . 371 00:20:37,467 --> 00:20:39,133 (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) . 372 00:20:49,634 --> 00:20:50,934 Garcon! . 373 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,200 -Who wants a Finch pinch? -What? . 374 00:20:55,267 --> 00:20:59,067 Chris Finch, good to meet you. This is my very good friend Sir David Brent. . 375 00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:00,500 Hiya. . 376 00:21:00,567 --> 00:21:02,567 Joking. The only knighthood he's got is a condom. . 377 00:21:02,634 --> 00:21:04,367 Knight hood. . 378 00:21:04,434 --> 00:21:07,367 -Condom, sheath. -I'm saying the joke worked. Good. . 379 00:21:07,434 --> 00:21:10,701 Condoms come in all different flavours now, don't they? . 380 00:21:10,767 --> 00:21:13,901 Like strawberry and curry and that. Do you like curry? . 381 00:21:17,367 --> 00:21:19,200 FINCH: Well, what are your names? . 382 00:21:19,267 --> 00:21:21,167 I'm Lorna. This is Lindsey and Heather. . 383 00:21:21,234 --> 00:21:23,300 DAVID: Hi, pleased to meet you. FINCH: Hi, nice to meet you. . 384 00:21:23,367 --> 00:21:24,500 -Nice to meet you. -Pleased to meet you. . 385 00:21:24,567 --> 00:21:26,300 And very nice to meet you. . 386 00:21:26,367 --> 00:21:28,767 Nice to meet all of you. Anyone's fine. . 387 00:21:31,234 --> 00:21:33,834 (SPINNING AROUND BY KYLIE MINOGUE PLAYING) . 388 00:21:55,167 --> 00:21:56,834 Nice shirt. . 389 00:21:56,901 --> 00:21:59,133 Cheers. Ciro Citterio. . 390 00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:00,567 While you're down there, love. . 391 00:22:00,634 --> 00:22:02,467 (LAUGHS) . 392 00:22:02,667 --> 00:22:05,167 Well, you know what they say, "One up the bum, no harm done." . 393 00:22:05,234 --> 00:22:07,000 -You never heard that before? -Yeah. . 394 00:22:09,834 --> 00:22:11,500 Christ, that'll do. . 395 00:22:11,567 --> 00:22:14,234 Hey, if you're looking for a seat, love, you can sit on my face! . 396 00:22:14,300 --> 00:22:15,667 Not her, don't, please. . 397 00:22:15,734 --> 00:22:17,267 She's staying with me. Her dad'll kill me. . 398 00:22:17,334 --> 00:22:19,567 -Leave it. -God, you lucky bastard. . 399 00:22:19,634 --> 00:22:22,033 That chair's a bit soft do you want something hard here? . 400 00:22:22,100 --> 00:22:25,267 Don't. Do it to other girls. That's fine. Please, just... . 401 00:22:37,434 --> 00:22:39,000 GARETH: Yeah, we go there every Wednesday night . 402 00:22:39,067 --> 00:22:40,534 and it's a fun place, . 403 00:22:40,601 --> 00:22:43,400 but it's full of loose women. . 404 00:22:43,467 --> 00:22:46,701 And my only problem with that is venereal disease, . 405 00:22:46,767 --> 00:22:49,467 which is disabilitating. . 406 00:22:49,534 --> 00:22:52,901 Especially for a soldier. . 407 00:22:52,968 --> 00:22:55,267 And it's irresponsible to the rest of your unit as well, all right? . 408 00:22:55,334 --> 00:22:57,234 You've been under attack for days, . 409 00:22:57,300 --> 00:23:01,133 there's a soldier down, he's wounded, gangrene's setting in. . 410 00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:02,968 "Who's used all the penicillin?" . 411 00:23:03,033 --> 00:23:05,834 "Oh, Mark Paxton, sir. He's got knob rot off some tart." . 412 00:23:07,033 --> 00:23:08,234 (DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES) . 413 00:23:22,167 --> 00:23:23,500 Coming through. . 414 00:23:23,567 --> 00:23:24,701 (HUMMING) . 415 00:23:24,767 --> 00:23:25,968 (MOCK GROWLS) . 416 00:23:26,033 --> 00:23:27,067 (LAUGHS) . 417 00:23:27,133 --> 00:23:29,067 Don't worry. I haven't got any balls. . 418 00:23:30,367 --> 00:23:32,534 Vodka and Coke. Remembered. . 419 00:23:33,300 --> 00:23:34,767 What am I drinking? . 420 00:23:34,834 --> 00:23:36,367 -Lager? -Pint thereof. . 421 00:23:52,500 --> 00:23:55,367 They're coming up to me, one at a time, and they're going, . 422 00:23:55,434 --> 00:23:58,400 "Oh, will we be made redundant, David?" . 423 00:23:58,467 --> 00:24:00,434 And I'm going, "No. Over my dead body." . 424 00:24:00,500 --> 00:24:02,667 And they're going, "Don't put your neck on the line for us." . 425 00:24:02,734 --> 00:24:06,000 I'm going "I will if I want to." Because, well, . 426 00:24:06,067 --> 00:24:08,434 they bend over backwards for me, you know, . 427 00:24:08,500 --> 00:24:10,567 and not because they're scared of me, . 428 00:24:10,634 --> 00:24:13,434 but because they love me and I love them. You know? . 429 00:24:13,500 --> 00:24:15,367 You'll grow to love me as well... . 430 00:24:15,434 --> 00:24:17,834 Not... Because of what I am, not anything sexual. . 431 00:24:36,567 --> 00:24:38,267 -David, David, David. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. . 432 00:24:42,100 --> 00:24:44,667 Hey, what bike you got? . 433 00:24:44,734 --> 00:24:47,567 -A Matchless 500. -What's that, a Harley-Davidson? . 434 00:24:47,634 --> 00:24:49,200 -I love all that. -Leave it. . 435 00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:51,267 I'm not... Trying to get you out of it. . 436 00:24:51,334 --> 00:24:53,567 TIM: Slough's nightlife is incredible. . 437 00:24:53,634 --> 00:24:56,300 It's got two nightclubs. You've got Chasers . 438 00:24:56,367 --> 00:24:58,567 and New York, New York. . 439 00:24:58,634 --> 00:25:01,534 And they call it "The nightclub that never sleeps". . 440 00:25:01,601 --> 00:25:04,100 That closes at 1:00. Mmm. . 441 00:25:04,167 --> 00:25:06,367 There is... There was... Oh, my God. . 442 00:25:06,434 --> 00:25:10,000 A themed nightclub called Henry VIII's, right? . 443 00:25:10,067 --> 00:25:13,734 This was incredible. It had the Ann Boleyn Alley. . 444 00:25:13,801 --> 00:25:16,067 This is true. . 445 00:25:16,133 --> 00:25:20,334 As you went into the loo, there was a sign that said "Mind Your Head." Nice. . 446 00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:23,534 And underneath someone had written "Don't get your Hampton Court." . 447 00:25:23,601 --> 00:25:25,067 Hmm-hmm! . 448 00:25:25,133 --> 00:25:27,901 Yeah. It's not there any more. . 449 00:25:27,968 --> 00:25:30,901 But there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about it. . 450 00:25:32,434 --> 00:25:33,667 (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) . 451 00:25:47,167 --> 00:25:49,133 Who are you? . 452 00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,334 Oh, have you not met me husband Paul? . 453 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:52,834 Husband? . 454 00:25:52,901 --> 00:25:54,701 Paul, is it all right if Gareth comes back with us? . 455 00:25:54,767 --> 00:25:56,601 -Fine. -Husband? . 456 00:25:56,667 --> 00:26:00,267 No way, I don't... No. Not interested. No. . 457 00:26:00,334 --> 00:26:04,133 I'm not having another fella involved. Another girl, maybe, not another bloke. . 458 00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:05,968 I wouldn't even want him watching. . 459 00:26:06,033 --> 00:26:07,934 No. No way. . 460 00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:10,868 (TAINTED LOVE BY SOFT CELL PLAYING) . 461 00:26:36,801 --> 00:26:38,634 DONNA: Hi. . 462 00:26:38,701 --> 00:26:41,734 -Hey. All right, mate? -Good to see you, all right, yeah. . 463 00:26:45,434 --> 00:26:48,400 -So now you know. -DAVID: Yeah, brilliant. . 464 00:26:48,467 --> 00:26:50,234 What? You got a problem with Ricky? . 465 00:26:50,300 --> 00:26:51,934 No. Sleep with everyone in the office. . 466 00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:53,634 He's not even a permanent member of staff. . 467 00:26:53,701 --> 00:26:54,968 I'd have preferred it if you slept with Gareth. . 468 00:26:55,033 --> 00:26:56,467 Wouldn't happen. . 469 00:26:56,534 --> 00:26:57,834 Oh, why? 'Cause he didn't go to university? . 470 00:26:57,901 --> 00:27:00,267 No, because he's a little weasel-faced arse. . 471 00:27:00,334 --> 00:27:01,634 Yeah, you could do worse than Gareth. . 472 00:27:01,701 --> 00:27:04,267 He hasn't missed one day in this office from ill health. . 473 00:27:04,334 --> 00:27:07,167 And don't call my second-in-command an arse-faced weasel. . 474 00:27:07,234 --> 00:27:09,000 -A weasel-faced arse. -Same thing. . 475 00:27:09,067 --> 00:27:10,968 Well, no, it's not. Would you rather have a face like an arse . 476 00:27:11,033 --> 00:27:12,601 or a face like a weasel? . 477 00:27:14,234 --> 00:27:15,868 A weasel, probably? . 478 00:27:15,934 --> 00:27:18,667 Anyway, fuck this. Don't tell me who I can and can't see. . 479 00:27:18,734 --> 00:27:20,300 I hope you're not going to sleep with a woman, David, . 480 00:27:20,367 --> 00:27:22,601 'cause obviously you find sex so disgusting. . 481 00:27:22,667 --> 00:27:24,868 Chance would be a fine thing. He couldn't pull in a brothel. . 482 00:27:24,934 --> 00:27:26,467 I could and I have! . 483 00:27:26,534 --> 00:27:28,133 And yes, I will take her home with me if I want. . 484 00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:29,334 I don't want to come home with you. . 485 00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:31,234 She doesn't want to come home with me. . 486 00:27:31,300 --> 00:27:34,000 I don't want you to come home with me. That's a waste of an hour. . 487 00:27:34,067 --> 00:27:36,701 So the only reason you've been talking to me is because you want to shag me? . 488 00:27:36,767 --> 00:27:39,000 Yeah, and from behind, because your breath stinks of onions. . 489 00:27:39,067 --> 00:27:40,701 And I didn't tell you that, did I? . 490 00:27:40,767 --> 00:27:43,000 FINCH: Whoo! One up the bum, no harm done. . 491 00:27:43,067 --> 00:27:44,901 No. Not up the arse. . 492 00:27:53,934 --> 00:27:57,234 DAVID: This is the poem Slough by Sir John Betjeman. . 493 00:27:57,300 --> 00:27:59,834 Probably never been here in his life. . 494 00:27:59,901 --> 00:28:02,267 "Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough! . 495 00:28:02,334 --> 00:28:03,934 "It isn't fit for humans now." . 496 00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:07,133 Right, I don't think you solve town planning problems . 497 00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:10,467 by dropping bombs all over the place, so he's embarrassed himself there. Next. . 498 00:28:10,534 --> 00:28:13,334 Um... "In labour-saving homes, with care . 499 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:15,767 "Their wives frizz out peroxide hair . 500 00:28:15,834 --> 00:28:18,801 "And dry it in synthetic air And paint their nails." . 501 00:28:18,868 --> 00:28:19,901 They want to look nice. . 502 00:28:20,100 --> 00:28:22,634 Why's he got a... Doesn't he like girls? . 503 00:28:22,701 --> 00:28:26,901 "And talk of sports and makes of cars In various bogus-Tudor bars . 504 00:28:26,968 --> 00:28:29,667 "And daren't look up and see the stars But belch instead." . 505 00:28:29,734 --> 00:28:32,734 What's he on about? What, so he never burped? . 506 00:28:32,801 --> 00:28:34,167 -Where are we going? -You just... . 507 00:28:34,234 --> 00:28:35,767 TIM: What do you mean? I'm going home, mate. . 508 00:28:35,834 --> 00:28:37,167 -No, one more drink. Don't be a poof. -No, I'm going home. . 509 00:28:37,234 --> 00:28:38,300 -Come on, one more drink. -David... . 510 00:28:38,367 --> 00:28:39,500 -One more drink. -David... . 511 00:28:39,567 --> 00:28:41,767 - . 512 00:28:41,834 --> 00:28:44,400 . 513 00:28:44,467 --> 00:28:45,968 TIM: Don't do that. DAVID: It's my favourite. . 514 00:28:46,033 --> 00:28:48,100 DAVID: "Come, friendly bombs and fall on Slough . 515 00:28:48,167 --> 00:28:49,634 "To get it ready for the plough. . 516 00:28:49,701 --> 00:28:53,133 "The cabbages are coming now, the earth exhales." . 517 00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:54,100 He's the only cabbage round here. . 518 00:29:18,334 --> 00:29:20,701 And they made him a knight of the realm. . 519 00:29:21,667 --> 00:29:22,667 Overrated. .