Original subtitles

[Birds tweet and caw]

-[Creaking] -[Object shifts]

[Keys jangle]

-[Creaking] -[Door slams]

-[Footsteps shuffle] -[Cheerful humming]

[Hums cheerfully]

[Whimsical music]

[Sighs] Hmm!

[Continues humming cheerfully]

Oh! Oh.

[Whimsical music continues]

[Grunts softly]

Go upsie!

-Ohhhh, dear! -[Thud!]

Ahh! Oh!

[Metallic clanging]

Oh!

[Whoosh!]

[Pompously] Oh, finally!

By order of the King, I hereby claim the master bedroom.

A good captain needs good quarters.

So I'm sure we can all agree that I deserve the biggest room.

[Refined accent] Absolutely not!

I belong upstairs.

Not to be rude, but you all reek of downstairs.

[Gruffly] Oi! Gideon was dead here first, right?

So what he says goes.

Guys, stop arguing.

Bit insensitive. This is a horrible way to die.

[Irish accent] Better than watching your six brothers

waste away to nothing in the Great Hunger,

leaking from every opening.

Oh, let it go, woman!

How are you guys not more upset?

We've been living for 30 years in this house

with old man...

..d...what's...d... the name of the man?

-[Man gasps] -Fuck a duck!

He lives again!

-Yes! That's it! -[Man gasps and groans]

[Lindy] Get physical! Activate those fingers!

Yes, push! You can do it. You're gonna live!

[Man groans]

-He's dead. Again. -[Lindy] Oh.

My father had a beautiful saying about death.

[Clock ticks]

[Joon sniffs]

Scintillating as always, Joon.

[Gideon] Greetings!

-[Lindy] Hello! -[Satan] G'day, mate.

[Ghost] Who are you people?

My good man, fear not.

We are the spectral denizens of this abode.

[Eileen] Oh, just say 'ghosts'.

[Joon] We're ghosts.

We are all ghosts and I am their beloved leader.

You're a turnip.

[Gideon grunts in outrage]

Unfortunately, old boy, as the newest ghost,

you shall have to relinquish your sleeping quarters...

-[Laughs] -..and support my claim for...

-Whoo! -[Wondrous music]

-[Lindy gasps] -Oh.

Say hi to my dad for me!

We'll never forget you...

I wanna say 'Alan'?

-[Gideon] That bedroom is mine! -Daddy built it for me!

I guess we've got the place all to ourselves again.

[Eileen] Ah, well. Back to work.

Jazzercise?

[Slow, quirky music]

[Real estate agent] It's only a small studio,

so one couple at a time, please.

Thanks so much. Let me know if you want a contract.

[Sprays]

-[Sean] Oh. -Hi!

-Hi. -Hi.

The auction is next week,

if you're getting finance organised.

-[Sean] Mm-hm. -Great.

There's a flyer. Come on through.

[Sean] Thanks. Oh, it's got a window.

So already better than the other 13 places. [Chuckles]

-Ooh. -Um, sorry.

Just about this, uh, situation.

Uh, isn't there a rule

about the distance between kitchen and toilet?

As long as the toilet has a door, you are fine.

It doesn't have a door.

Well, perfect job for hubby, isn't it?

We're not married.

-I wouldn't tell the bank that. -[Sean] Yeah.

But, you know, we could... I could just put up a wall,

maybe a...maybe a door.

-[Handle clunks] -Um...

Could you not touch anything, please?

-Thank you. -[Distant sirens wail]

Oh, um, the mushrooms are not edible, just FYI.

-Oh! -Oh!

-[Both laugh] -That's really...

That's good.

[Both laugh awkwardly]

-It's pretty murder-y. -And mushroom-y.

-Yeah. -[Kate] Yeah.

But it's the only thing in our price range.

-We can make it work. -Hmm!

-We can do it. -Hmm!

Because the main thing is that it's you and me together.

[Both] No-one else.

And it comes with free house plants.

Free house plants.

-[Phone buzzes] -[Both exclaim]

-Might be the broker. -Mlem, mlem.

Hello. This is Kate.

[Man] Hi, Kate.

I'm the executor currently handling

the estate of your great-uncle Alfred.

-Great-uncle who? -Hmm?

[Executor] As his next of kin,

the good news is that you've inherited

a rather large property.

The bad news is that it's a million miles from anywhere.

[Sean] OK, a couple days, tops, yeah?

'Cause I really have to be back at work first thing Monday.

I know. Same.

We'll just check out my inheritance

and we'll see what we're dealing with.

[Sean] Mm-hm.

[Bright orchestral music]

Oh, my...

[Sean] It's...huge!

[Kate laughs delightedly]

[Sean] What...the...hell is this place?

Kate, this is... [Laughs] ..crazy!

What's the catch?

I mean, there's gotta be a catch.

Oi, boss. Just say 'shotgun'.

-What? -Just say 'shotgun'.

[Enunciates] Shotgun.

Ha! Suck it, Munch!

Boss called shotgun. Find another room.

I can stay frozen in place for years.

You've never worn a corset.

And your joints have never been crystallised with gout!

[Eileen] Two breathers just pulled up in a shiny carriage!

[Sean] Are you sure you're the only living relative?

[Scoffs]

-[Kate] That's what they said. -[Incredulously] What?

[Kate] Look at this place! It's incredible.

[Sean] Hey, um, for the record,

I fell in love with you

way before I found out you're from old money.

-[Lock turns] -I smell invasion.

-Aye. That would be yourself. -[Door creaks]

[Theme music]

[Electricity crackles]

[Door closes]

[Laughs incredulously]

[Both laugh]

[Gasps] Are you serious?

-[Light switch clicks] -[Wood creaks]

[Kate laughs]

OK...

[Kate] No way. [Laughs]

-[Sean] Oh! -[Kate gasps]

[Sean] That's a lotta stuff.

-[Kate] Lotta stuff. -[Sean] Lotta stuff.

-[Electricity crackles] -On the upside, no mushrooms.

-That we can see. -[Light switch clicks]

[Doors creak]

[Kate scoffs incredulously]

[Sean scoffs]

[Crow caws outside]

OK, gonna take a stab here.

Great-Uncle Alfred didn't get out much.

Alfred, not Alan!

[Sean] Oh, this house must have a crazy history.

Any reception?

Ugh! No bars.

Oh, there was a bar once,

but some hoity-toity family had notions

and got rid of it.

Yes, well, when you have an education,

you don't need to be sloshed

to get through each and every day.

Kate. Kate. Eeee!

-Oh, no, no. -Hold on. Come on.

-Your mum wants pictures. -Can we not do that?

It's actually kind of relaxing being 300 k's away.

Am I terrible?

I mean, yes.

But you're allowed to be terrible now

because you're an heiress.

-'Heiress'? -I'm basically Paris Hilton.

-She's certainly not from Paris. -I stayed at a Hilton once.

Well, um, mostly in the cupboard hiding from my boyfriend's wife.

-[Upbeat music] -What is the meaning of this?

-Free-house dance. -[Upbeat music continues]

-[Miranda] Oh! -[Joon shrieks]

-[Lindy giggles] -Stop that right now!

Not in my house.

-My ears! -My eyes!

My people!

[Both laugh]

-[Music continues faintly] -[Kate and Sean laugh]

[Kate] Alright, let's pick a bedroom.

[Sean] Yeah. Should be easy.

There's only, like, 50 to choose from.

[Kate chuckles]

Yeah. Yeah, I'm calling it.

This bedroom has the least haunted-house vibes.

Get out, you interlopers!

I reckon it's giving honeymoon suite.

Honeymoon? I don't see a ring. Trollop!

She may have taken a lanky lover,

but she will not take this bedroo...

-[Whoosh!] -Oh!

[Satan] You right, boss?

Been a while since you've been Throomed.

It's like dysentery with a side of saddle sore.

-Where'd she get ya? -Everywhere.

[Satan] No respect, walking through you like that.

Oh, I think the power's out up here.

Can you check the fuse box?

Fuse box?

Yeah, yeah.

-Thanks, babe. -Yeah.

Where to find fuse box?

[Electronic voice] Check your garage

for the circuit breaker or fuse box.

It might also be in the storage room,

utility room, basement or hallway.

[Groans]

Ugh!

[Quirky music]

Ahh!

God, no! No!

Dear God, no. No!

[Ghost] As I was saying,

with my little eye, something beginning with 'B'.

What's a 'B'?

We're illiterate, mate.

-Could we do colours instead? -Ooh, yeah.

-But I'm colourblind. -I'm mostly blind.

-Oh, I can sing. -Ooh!

-Sing a 'B'. -[Clears throat]

Bzzzzz!

[Gentle music]

-Hey! -Hey!

Yeah, so...fuse box is pretty busted, eh?

Might have to call a professional.

Good-for-nothing blabbermouth. Reminds me of me husband.

You know if spiders can lay eggs in hair?

-Honestly? Looks fine. -Yeah?

Can you believe we were actually gonna buy that little stinkhole?

Yeah, now we get to sell this big stinkhole

and buy a less stinky hole in the city.

Wait, they're selling?

It's not really a stinkhole, Sean.

-I mean, look at it. -Ahhh...

I reckon it was probably a guesthouse back in the day.

Aye. Myself, I ran it single-handed.

Not that you'll hear me complainin'.

I always hear you complaining.

That'd be fun, right? Like, running a little guesthouse?

Back-breaking labour, so it was.

-Meeting people from all over. -Cleanin' up their shite.

Crazy, but...

You're taking this Paris Hilton thing a bit far!

I don't know, if you did a chuck-out and patched

a few cracks, I reckon this place could be a thing.

-Yeah, a thing that we sell. -She's wanting to stay for good.

Eejit just hasn't twigged yet.

Sure, as a house for two people, bit extra.

But...as a hotel...

An hotel?

Never-ending hordes of breathers infesting our eternal quarters?

No, the invaders cannot be tolerated.

We haunt them out.

-How goes the drills? -[Groans]

I need your powers at full strength.

[Sighs] Sorry, boss. I'm pretty rusty, eh?

Try harder, man!

As you motorised bicyclists say,

it's time to defend your lawn!

Yeah. It's 'turf', but, no, I'll get it done. Don't worry.

-[Electricity crackles] -Lindy, yes!

You see what you can achieve

when you're not just flailing about william-nilliam!

[Grunts and sighs] Do we have to chase them out? They're in love.

And not to be selfish, but I'm kind of into hotels.

That's where single men go to die of sadness.

You'll experience sadness

when hotel guests are Throoming you day and night.

Don't be listening to that wig-wearing ninny-muggins.

He's just wanting them out of the big bedroom.

[Grunts] Joon!

Have you ascertained your supernatural power yet?

I'll take that as a no.

Miranda!

Now, you do your little thing

to lower the temperature of the room.

[Sighs] We've only been training for five minutes, woman!

Training is for racehorses and servants, Gideon.

Wake me for the haunting, s'il vous plait.

[Groans mightily]

Come on.

[Roars]

-Ohh! -[Gideon] Yes!

[Laughs] Yes!

Yes, that's the kind of supernatural rage we need!

We strike...at midnight.

[Crickets chirp]

[Bats squeak]

-[Keyboard clicks] -[Owl hoots outside]

[Door creaks]

[Creaking resumes]

[Whimsical music]

[Groans]

Sterling work, man.

She's mildly rattled!

But I'm knackered from that, eh?

Feel like I just got back from Mad Monday.

-Hey! -[Gideon] Miranda!

Freeze the room with your cold, dead heart.

[Clears throat]

[Whispers indistinctly]

Lindy, what keeps you?

When I was seven, I cut up Stacey Hemple's tap shoes

right before the Foster's Lager Talent Show,

and karmically, this feels the same.

[Gideon] Dead people don't need to worry about karma!

You should be more worried about

disappointing your social betters.

[Sighs]

-[Gideon] Come on. -[Grunts]

[Electricity crackles]

Sean. Sean? Sean, did you fix the fuse box yet?

[Gideon] Yes! Keep going!

-[Flicks switch] -[Electricity crackles]

[Gideon gasps]

[Quirky music]

[Kate] Oh, it's freezing, but it's so nice and quiet.

[Birds chirp]

[Warm music]

Mmm.

With every breath, she grows more attached to my land.

[Taps squeak]

[Pipes shriek]

[Pipes knock]

[Pipes resume shrieking]

Come on, Eileen. Bit of privacy.

I was here first.

He's the one who got his jiggy-jogs out.

-[Kate] Hey? -[Sean] Hey!

Hey, um...

-So I've been thinking. -Mmm?

Um, what if we stayed here, like, permanently?

What? What?

I'm not one to say, "I told you so."

That's growth, Eileen.

-I told you so. -OK.

I thought you were joking.

-You were joking, right? -No.

-Does it sound like I'm joking? -Talking back.

Men do not love that.

Your mum is in the city.

Our mates are in the city.

The last time I floated remote work with Rahim,

he got a nosebleed, both nostrils.

Yeah, well, you know what?

I'm actually just really over it.

I'm sick of working 16-hour days in a firm full of old men

who see me as a diversity hire

or someone to grope at work drinks.

Oh, babe, take it as a compliment!

You know, Brad the douche got a promotion and I got asked

to do a Welcome to Country for his new client.

I don't wanna do it anymore.

Kate, the answer is surely just to...

..quit your job,

not to move to the middle of nowhere.

Try being shipwrecked off the coast of Van Diemen's Land,

using your cousin's corpse as a life raft!

-Well, what if it was? -[Sean] What?

You know, like, what if we just, like, started a hotel together?

[Scoffs] A hotel?

You don't wanna, like, run a little boutique hotel with me?

Kate, you know nothing about hotels.

I know nothing about hotels.

-It'll be fun. -This house is a wreck.

It's literally falling apart.

There is mould on every single surface.

I'm doin' all I can!

-It's an escape room. -You love escape rooms!

OK, that was a really bad example.

It's a house of horrors.

The plumbing was literally screaming at me.

There's no electricity.

Sean, there is definitely electricity.

You just need to go fix the fuse box.

What fuse box?! I walked all around this creepy old...

..spider-infested house

and I couldn't find it.

Maybe this house doesn't have a fuse box.

It was built in, what, like, 372 BC?

Maybe it doesn't have one.

-Sean. -Worst shower ever.

OK, that seemed bad, but when they make up,

there's a lot of tension to unpack in the bedroom.

[Quirky music]

I spy with my little eye

something the colour of...

..a...a woman.

This game's getting pretty abstract.

[Male ghost] Oh, what we got here, then?

-[Female ghost] Ooh. -[Male ghost 2] She's new.

[Female ghost 2] She's pretty!

-[Male ghost] Hmm. -[Female ghost] Ooh.

[Female ghost 2] Hello!

[Gasps] Bingo.

[Kate] Ooh!

[Gideon] She's vulnerable.

We'll never have a better chance to strike.

Oh... I don't know.

Feels like a bit of a dog act, don't you reckon, boss?

Dogs don't act, they follow orders.

Now, be a good boy and do as I say.

Oi, guvnor. Why don't you leave the young lady alone?

[Mocking] Oh, that's a good idea, thanks.

-Yeah, why don't you shut up? -Yeah, shut up!

Shut your mouth!

-Oh, sorry! -It won't happen again.

[Groans] Convicts.

Hey, boss, you know when the old bloke carked it,

did you feel, like, not...

..um, good?

What? Of course not.

We English suppress everything, including emotions.

And you're dead inside from

all the violence and depravity of your illegal profession.

That's what makes you the perfect subordinate.

I've been called a lot of things in my time,

but never...

..have I been called 'perfect'.

Now, stop asking existential questions and attack!

-Yes, boss. -Hmm!

[Switches click]

Just a little push.

[Roars]

-Bit more push. -[Roars]

-[Switch clicks] -[Sighs]

-Much bigger push. -[Satan roars]

[Kate] Ooh! Oh!

Push, man!

-[Roars] -Ooh, ooh!

Waahh!

[Convicts groan]

She's dead.

[Gasps] One of us!

[Sean] What was that?

You good, babe?

Kate? Kate!

No, no, no. Don't move. Don't move, don't move.

I'm calling the ambulance. Please, don't move.

[Gideon] It's not possible.

[Sean] I've got you. Ambulance.

Hi, my girlfriend's had a fall and, um...

Hey, hey, Kate! Oh, jeez.

I think she's hit her head.

Stay with me. Stay with me. Kate!

[Groans]

[Satan sobs melodramatically]

[Eileen] Will that pansy ever stop wailin'?

Your wife's dead. Get over it.

You'll find another one.

[Loud sobbing continues]

[Clears throat]

Sorry, mate.

What's with the whingein', ye great leaky boat?

I didn't mean to kill her.

[Eileen] Oh, well. [Sighs]

She might not be dead.

She might just be a potato, like me cousin Patrick

after he fell down the well.

[Wails]

[Eileen] What's got into ye?

I thought you were after maimin' dozens of people.

Oh, yeah.

Heaps, but, you know,

only if they deserved it.

You know, like, if one of the boys ratted us out to the cops

or smiled in a group photo or something, but...

[Breathes raggedly]

But she didn't do anything.

I was just following orders and doing what Gideon said.

You're always doin' what Gideon says.

May as well have his leaky teat in your mouth,

suckin' on his mother's milk.

-What? -Look, son. Life is hard.

Death is hard too.

Just goes on and on and on and...

..on and on and on and on

and on and on

and on and on and on and on.

You just gotta suck it up and keep goin'.

And goin' and goin' and goin'

and goin' and goin...

-[Wails] -Look now.

If you must cry, then do it quietly.

Like a woman.

How's that? What...

Like that.

Here, have a go at it yourself.

[Sniffles] I reckon I'm alright now.

Right you are, son.

[Satan groans]

Hey, so I reckon maybe, uh...

..no-one needs to hear about this, ever.

Cheers.

[Monitor beeps steadily]

[Moans softly]

Oh, hey! Hey!

Hey, you're awake!

Hey!

How long have I been here?

Three days. You had a bonk on your head.

You've been in and out,

but the doctors say you're gonna be fine.

How you feeling?

Were you just trying to brush my teeth?

Yeah, well, your breath was getting a little stinky

and I know how much you prioritise dental hygiene.

[Laughs]

Kate, I am so...so sorry.

I...I should have just sorted that stupid fuse box.

No, no, no. No, it's not your fault.

I can't just expect you

to become a country bumpkin on a whim.

You love...co-working spaces and...

Yeah.

..bike lanes and specialty coffee.

I don't wanna take that away from you.

Well, Kate,

I just had the scariest 72 hours of my life to realise

that I love you way more than any of those...

..excellent things.

I love that you have these big ideas

and you actually act on them - and that is rare.

So...

..if you want us to become country bumpkins

and run a hotel...

..I'm in.

Really?

Mm-hm. [Chuckles]

I say quit your job and let's do it.

Sean! [Laughs]

Uh-uh-uh-uh! Uh-uh-uh!

A ride to your manor, Miss Hilton?

[Lindy] I can't believe I missed the make-up scene.

This is just like when I forgot to tape

Scott and Charlene's wedding on 'Neighbours'

and now I just have to imagine it forever.

[Sean grunts]

[Kate laughs]

[Kate laughs] Yeah! OK, great.

Thank you so much. That is amazing. [Laughs]

Oh! Hey, mate.

Uh, if you're looking for the fuse box,

it's back there in the workshop.

Sean! Where you at?

[Sean] In the library!

[Quirky music]

Oh, boss.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

[Shouts] Boss, she can see me!

The breather can see me!

That electrician's a bit sketchy.

Where did you find him, the dark web?

Hmm? Oh, hey, Kate, I was wondering.

Can this be my home office?

Because that there as a Zoom background?

Sick.

Well, yes, you can,

because the bank just approved our business loan

and we are now entrepreneurs with a butt-ton of debt, baby!

Yeah! Yes! Adulting!

-Am I crazy to want this? -No.

But only 'cause it's not cool to call a woman crazy.

I reckon we can do this. [Continues indistinctly]

You're right, she can see us. She's looking at me.

[Eileen] Could just be a lazy eye. Or two.

Oh, no, she's terrified.

-Whoa. -[Miranda] Don't be scared.

-Sean... -Who are you calling 'sketchy'?

I'm looking for my gold.

Have you seen a gold nugget?

[Gideon] Young lady, I regret to inform

your bedroom is already taken!

[Screams]