Original subtitles

Previously on Best Medicine...

We're getting a sister city.

You have a friend across the ocean in Port Wenn.

Why are they trying so hard?

Maybe you could try harder at being less negative.

I didn't even know you guys were married.

We didn't wanna make a fuss, so we went

to a Justice of the Peace five years ago.

- I wanna have a baby. - I know a specialist.

- Mm. - Fertility. One of the best.

- How do you know Martin? - We used to date.

I demand to know the real reason for your visit.

A Nordic ocean-based salmon farm.

- In our beautiful bay? - Well...

We'll have to see everything in detail.

Geneva already signed.

Huh?

Hey, come on now. Come on now, gentle people.

This isn't like us! Let's use our inside voices.

We welcome you to our town.

- And you have lied to our faces! - Yes!

You know, I learned three Norwegian phrases for you.

And now I learned a fourth.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

- Al-all right. - This is so boring.

There is supposed to be food here.

- Why would you do that? - This is all my fault.

I should have read that sister city agreement more carefully.

Geneva you can't blame yourself. They tricked us.

It's not exactly a trick when the whole thing was spelled out

on paper in black and white and no one bothered to look at it.

Okay, one at a time, one at a time!

- This is a mess! - George.

Thank you, Franklin. Listen, I've done my research, okay?

"Waste from industrial salmon farms

kill fish from surrounding waters, and all vegetation,

decimating entire ecosystems."

Not to mention what it does to our lobstering.

It's gone! Adios, kaputs!

And can we be honest about

the real crime here? Our gorgeous views.

We'll be absolutely ruined by these ugly rusty fish prisons.

It's post-apocalyptic.

- Yeah! - All right. Yeah.

- You know, he's kind of right. - You know...

Like, fish prisons are so not cool.

This is the world we're inheriting.

You have all the authority of a box of ribbons.

Please, please.

Please.

Let's show some...

Please, let's show some Port Wenn civility

and let our new friends from Norway speak.

You're the one who masterminded this whole thing.

- Yes! - Yes.

'Cause maybe I know what's best for us.

- What? What? - Really?

Small towns all over this country are crumbling.

Our own school was shut down!

Folks, we need help.

Sigrid, you have a presentation?

- God morgen. - Morning.

We, your sister city of Fjordhavn,

only want what's best for both of us.

Once the happy salmon house is constructed,

each month will bring a wonderful dividend check,

to be paid to every family of Port Wenn,

every month, sharing in the profits.

- Damn AI. End of the world. - Every month?

Maybe we should hear them out.

Also, nothing is more important than keeping our oceans

safe and clean. Uh...

Um, we work with our happy host towns holistically

to keep, uh, to keep the...

Sigrid?

Ah, yes. This can only mean the one thing.

It is time.

Oh! Oh.

- The baby is coming. - Whoa!

You ever deliver a baby before?

- Where's the towel? - Let's put this coat...

- Under your head. - What do I do?

Boil water? Isn't that a thing?

It's so funny, we always know when

Sigrid's water is about to break.

When she sings Lille Petter Edderkopp.

It's the same as your itty-bitty spider song. Yes.

Yes, but American women don't normally announce their labor

in song. Louisa, I need more clean towels.

Can you give me a warm washcloth? Mark.

Need you to pour hot water on a pair of scissors.

- And then bring it back to me. - Are you sure...

We can't get to the hospital in time?

No, it will be any moment.

- Okay. - This is my fourth birth.

Sigrid gave birth in the middle of a dinner party

and was back in time for the Kvaefjordkake.

- Sounds delicious. - Hey, um, listen, I don't care.

But you know how bloody these things can typically get.

Like, I don't care, but d'you know?

Elaine, I know. He told me.

- What? He told you what? - About his blood phobia.

What? And you didn't tell me when you know that I know?

- Well, I... This is not the time. - We're roommates.

No, it's not! Sorry.

- Here, here, here. - Okay, just...

You need to keep this area

extremely clean because this baby is...

Incoming.

Whoa! Ha-ha.

- Oh! - Well, what is that?

- Is it very bloody? No? - No. No.

Now that is unusual!

Not that I would know, but do all babies look like...

Bear cubs?

This baby appears to be healthy,

but it does have an unusual case of lanugo.

Now it is normal in pre-term babies, but...

I think what he's trying to say is that

you've got one hairy baby there.

No, it is fine. We will love him just the same.

Now is time to capture the placenta.

- Oh! - Ugh!

- Ooh. - Capture?

- What's placenta? - Dude, you don't wanna know.

We need to take it home to fertilize a new rose bush.

We did that for all our children.

We have one named for each child.

- Sweet. - That's gross.

This little Chewbacca is adorable.

Here is your placenta.

I assume you're going to the hospital in Bar Harbor now.

What for? I give birth, I move on.

You need an obstetric follow-up.

Uh, the baby's body hair, the extremity of it

could signify other more serious issues.

We can address that back in Norway.

Please, you are making Sigrid's headache worse.

A headache? Did it come on suddenly?

It could be a warning sign of preeclampsia.

I get headaches after I give birth.

They go away. And now we do, too.

No, listen, this could be very ser...

Oh, perhaps you're trying to distract us

from the salmon farm. Sorry.

The salmon farm is happening whether you like it or not.

- Martin. - Mm-hmm.

- Mm... - Martin.

"Adrenal hyperplasia,

Cushing Syndrome..."

I know you know there is a full waiting room out here.

The hair was just too coarse for normal lanugo.

Could be hormonal imbalance, and not to mention her headaches,

which could be an indicator of potential stroke...

Doc, those sketch Norwegians and their little Sasquatch

don't deserve an inch of your brain space.

What is it? Where are you going?

- I'll be right back. - What?

Doc, what am I gonna tell everyone?

Elaine, is it true that you're going to New York

next week for your big audition?

Juilliard! Yeah, yup, I got a call back.

- Well... - Oh, wonderful!

- Knock 'em dead, kiddo. - Thank you. Yeah, I'm excited.

Gonna take a bite out of the Big Apple.

Hey, when you get to be rich and famous,

are you gonna remember us regular people?

Are you kidding?

I wanna be like, "Who are you? Call my agent."

Go back to Norwegia!

Go back to Norwegia!

- Blondie! - What exactly are you doing?

We know you still let the Norwegians stay here.

Spineless capitalists.

We're bringing the protests to their doorstep.

They pose an existential threat to, what, something.

I've seen yard sales more convincing!

- What? - Listen.

If you're gonna pick at us, you need more people,

better chance, and some theatrics. This is pathetic!

What do you know about protesting?

If you only knew what we did

to change the world.

- Morning, Paul. - Hey, Paul.

- Hi, Paul. - Mornin'.

You just gonna let him walk in?

- No human chain? Nothing? - I don't know what that is.

- What's a human chain? - Go.

And don't come back until you've got more teams,

more heart, and tons more razzmatazz.

- Go! Go! - Okay.

- Read some books! - So angry.

I believe the children are the future. That's a lie.

These danishes, they really look quite good.

- Hm. - Yeah.

Are Sigrid and the baby here?

No, they are down by the docks,

winning the hearts of the fishermen.

She really is a wonderful person

once you get past how scary she is.

Well, that sounds like a perfectly horrific marriage.

You need to get her to come see me right away.

Me, Ludvig, tell the greatest Viking queen

that she must see a small-town doctor

who dresses like an accountant?

Uh, please, excuse me, I have a moment to nap,

and I will take it.

Fine, I'll talk to your five-foot Viking queen myself.

Martin, we were talking.

Don't you know any big-city lawyers that we can call who can

help us fight these nasty, but extremely attractive Norwegians?

But there's nothing to be done. You signed the contract.

Besides, uh, the amount of money

and years it would take to prove fraud...

My concern right now is Sigrid and her baby.

- What? - How can you say that?

You know, the teens were right, we should never let them

or their nasty placenta box stay here.

That's right.

I forgot you're storing the placenta here.

- Oh. I can't even... - Um... Don't make me gag.

No, the placenta is the black box of pregnancy.

Where is it?

- Oh, dear, that's awful! - Nope!

That's what happened to my pad thai.

Try this one.

Looks normal in shape and size.

No lesions.

- But the smell. - Is it bad?

- Like her. - What do you mean?

Well, we can't gossip

about our customers, doc.

Well, that would be a first.

But that sister is ripe.

How do you mean? Uh, can you describe it?

I could, but I'd rather not.

Well, that could signify an infection.

None of this is right.

Or if something catastrophic were to happen to her,

I'd never forgive myself.

- What are you doing? - Help, help! Hold it!

- That's the knife. - Oh!

That was close.

As we say in Norway,

many small streams make one big river.

We will flow together beautifully.

One big river, my ass.

Sarah. God morgen!

I was hoping to see you this morning.

Cut the bull crap, Ms. Norway.

You know, I heard your house is up for sale.

- So sad. - Who told you that?

I will buy it for you. I'll put the house under your name.

In return, you could help smooth things

over for me in the town.

Sigrid, I'd rather live in this bait shop

than take you up on your offer.

See, I can't be bought.

Oh, you have such strong spirit.

In Norway we call this sta pa vilje.

The will to keep standing.

In America we call it

sleep with one eye open.

What are you doing here?

Looking for Sigrid and her baby, so I can examine them.

Martin, why is it that not once have you tried

to help us figure out how to fight these guys?

Why are you on the side of the enemy?

Sorry. There's no sides in medicine.

Well, there's sides in Port Wenn.

- Here you go. - Thank you.

Have a good one.

- You're feeling okay? - Oh, calm down.

I just needed a little rest.

If you're here to change my mind

about the salmon farm, don't waste your breath.

I'm not, I'm just here to take your blood pressure

to make sure there were no complications with the birth.

You are unpleasant and stubborn.

And you're a liar and a cheat.

Roll up your sleeve.

Blood pressure is slightly elevated, but okay.

- What are you doing? - Smelling you.

Your placenta smelled bad.

And frankly, so do you. You smell like rotten eggs.

Why were you smelling my placenta? And me?

Is this your idea of funsy time?

Trust me, sitting next to a smelly,

possible sociopath is not my idea of a good...

- Oh, go away, you crazy man! - I can't.

Your baby could have a hormonal imbalance,

and your smell could be an indicator of an infection.

Now I need to examine you both.

Fine. I will come see you tomorrow.

- Happy? - Yes.

And you. We are having another Town Hall meeting tonight.

- Will you be coming? - No.

I may be treating you, but I find

your business tactics appalling.

Oh, are you hungry, my little bear?

Hey, kiddo, what's this?

Where-where did you get those?

So, I was gonna be the last to know?

- Last to know what? - Dad, dad, later.

I know, I read them all. Every one.

You can't do that. That's-that's an invasion of my privacy.

Oh, what do you mean? Come on. They were all opened.

On my desk. In my room. Okay.

You're-you're ruining it. Okay? I-I-I had a whole plan.

You had a plan for your mail?

NYU, Columbia University.

- Hunter College. - S-stop it, stop it, okay?

I was gonna tell you. I was...

I was gonna tell both of you.

Tell me what? What's going on?

He applied to schools in New York City and got into them all.

It's just not how-how I wanted to tell her.

Hang on. You applied to schools in New York?

To be close to me?

No. I mean, maybe.

Not exactly. It was more of a coincidence.

A huge coincidence.

Also, yes. I did.

Al, I, I haven't even gotten in yet.

I know, I know but we both know that you will.

- So... - So, what?

When were you gonna tell your old man

about this big plan of yours?

- You're-you're not happy for me? - You know...

Maybe I would be

if you didn't keep it a secret.

I thought we told each other everything.

- That's a laugh. - What are you talking about?

I don't know. Why don't, why don't you tell me?

Is there, is there, is there anything that you can think of

that you've been wanting to tell me for the past, mm, 20 years?

- What is happening right now? - I don't know.

- Your boyfriend's going loco. - Anything about...

About who my real dad is?

What?

What are you talking about?

So don't try talking about secrets

with me.

I don't know what's gotten into you, kiddo.

Dude, what is going on?

I found out when I-I did the DNA for the bogman.

He's been lying to me my whole life.

Can you believe it?

- I... Well... - Well, what?

I don't know, I mean,

he was probably just worried about your reaction.

You know, like, maybe you wouldn't feel the same way

about him if you knew the whole truth.

Or like it would disappoint you.

Elaine, lying to me is way worse

than-than anything he could have told me.

Yes.

Yeah, totally. I get that.

He creeped out that I applied

to a bunch of schools in New York.

Did we find a loophole in the contract?

No, the best idea pitched so far is Geneva faking her own death,

so we can use the life insurance to buy out the Norwegians.

Insurance fraud. That's easy to do.

Greg, please don't say anymore.

Can I ask you two for, um, some advice?

Tell us. What is it?

I know everyone is very upset about the salmon farm,

but it's also Sarah's birthday on Sunday.

And I wanted to throw her a surprise party

at the Legion Hall. Is that in poor taste?

- No, don't postpone joy. - They can take our bay.

But they can't take our spirit.

I'll make her favorite mac and cheese!

Really? I-I-I will let everyone know.

- Okay. - Oh.

- Hey. - Hey.

What are you guys whispering about?

- Insurance fraud. - Oh.

I told Geneva that's a bad idea.

George, you got my lunch back there?

Yup.

You doing anything special for your birthday?

- Sarah? - Well...

Louisa thought maybe bingo with the Legion Hall.

- But it's your birthday. - Honey.

I've had enough birthdays.

All right. A bingo birthday it is.

- Later. - Yeah.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Go, go, go! - Okay, okay, okay.

Uh-uh! You fishy. Uh-uh.

F-I-S-H-Y. All our salmon gonna die.

F-I-S-H-Y. Sigrid, Ludwig, you both die.

You fishy. Uh-uh. You fishy. Uh-uh.

You fishy. Ooh, you so fishy. Ooh!

You're blocking our entrance. You're disrupting our business!

- Now you're getting it. - Yeah!

Now we're gonna have to call Sheriff Mark.

- Get you all arrested. - Wait, what? Run, run!

You can't call yourself an activist

until you've been arrested!

Y'all want some hot chocolate?

Hey, Sheriff Mark, I need these

teens arrested immediately, they

are causing a public nuisance.

But I'm so proud of them. They are doing really, really good.

Wait, where did everyone go?

What are you doing here?

I noticed you went white as a sheet during that delivery.

So I made some calls, asked around.

Seems Elaine has been the one taking blood for quite a while.

What? That's crazy!

I don't, I don't even know what-what blood is.

That's why you came here, isn't it?

You have a thing about blood.

You just can't handle it.

And now you have an employee

taking blood without a license.

Well, the Medical Board won't like that.

Now people listen to you, town doctor.

So let's make a deal.

You get them to embrace the salmon farm,

and I won't end your medical career.

Think it over.

Dammit!

Thanks. Thank you.

Oh, God! Dr. Montgomery.

- Oh, hello. - What are you doing here?

Well, I came to see Martin. Then I thought I'd stay here.

- It got five stars on Yelp. - Uh...

You came to see Martin. Uh, why?

To rekindle what we once had.

I think it's clear he wants to pick up where we left off, so...

Yeah, clear. Clear to both of you.

Did he, did he, did he, like, tell you that or...

Not outright.

- But I'm very intuitive. - Mm.

Why else would he refer you to me? He's interested.

- How perceptive. - Mm-hmm. Well...

While I have you here, I would love

to continue our earlier conversation.

Uh, did you get my test results?

Yes, you were on my call list today.

- And? - The blood test results...

They confirm that your LH levels are very high.

So if you wanna get pregnant, you need to do so

as soon as possible.

Oh, okay. Um, soon.

Like, uh, how soon? Like, like, like now, like, now-now or...

Well, oh, yeah, if there's anyone here

who is acceptable for you,

then that would be ideal, yes.

I'll do it.

- Oh. - Oh.

I'm good. But thanks, Clark.

Anytime. Just let me know.

I will.

You got some choices here. Look at that.

Um, well, thank you for the update.

- Mm. - Oh, George. Greg.

Look, it's an old girlfriend of Martin's,

who's my new fertility doctor, that just told me

I'm almost barren, and she's come to Port Wenn

to date Martin again, and she would like to stay here.

- I'll get you a key. - Room 4 is free.

Great. Do you have any rooms without a view?

I find nature to be distracting.

And if you could book me a massage at 5:30.

- Thank you. That's my bag. - That's her bag.

- Yeah. - She's incredible.

- Yeah. - She's incredible. Call me.

Yeah.

How can I have been so unprofessional?

Doc, you did the best you could.

No. I got sloppy. First you were just helping me.

Then I let you do all the blood draws yourself.

I've become like everyone else here.

Not following the rules. Not thinking it through.

Just assuming everything's gonna be okay.

And now I can lose my medical license.

Wait, am I gonna go to jail?

Doc!

Doc!

Are we going to jail?

- Say Jane Fonda. - Who's Jane Fonda?

Oh, my God. You don't know who Jane Fonda is?

- No, I don't know who Jane Fo... - Uh, shut up! Shut up!

- Smile! - Who is that?

- Oh, my God. - Yeah, so Jane Fonda.

Ah. Hey, you guys. Glad you called.

We didn't have a choice. We couldn't call our parents.

Okay, thanks. Uh, w-what happened?

Greg and George called it in. Trespassing.

- And a public nuisance. - Yeah!

- Double illegal! - Double illegal!

Double illegal! Let's go! So hard!

Okay, how much to bail them out?

- Uh, 30 bucks. - Each?

- Nah. Total. First offense. - Oh, fine.

Do you guys wanna take a photo

with us before we go?

Uh, do we?

Amazing.

- Everybody look gashed here. - Right.

Okay, everybody say Lily Tomlin.

Lily Tomlin!

It's a shame you guys didn't work out, you would've been

such cool parents.

Okay, someone grab the head for me.

- Yeah, I got it. - The one with the eyes.

Let's go protest something else.

Eden. Hello.

This is a surprise.

- Is it though, really? - Um, actually, yes.

When you called saying you were in town, I wasn't sure.

I took the liberty of ordering you a sparkling cider.

Non-alcoholic, of course. Is that what you still like?

Um, yes, thank you.

See, some things never change.

- Eden, why are you here? - To date you.

Court, couple, liaise with.

We were so young when we dated.

And now we're older, and I've seen what's out there,

and you've seen what's out there.

And I'm sure we can both say with the utmost confidence

that we are the optimal choice for each other.

Right.

You always were

confident and practical.

Okay, let me phrase this in a more romantic way.

Let's seize this opportunity for a second chance at love.

I took a few personal days so we can begin.

- To us. - Uh...

Mm? One thing. One-one quick thing.

Um, you're not interested in that school teacher

that you sent to see me, are you?

- What? No. Mn-mn. Mn-mn. - Yeah. No, I thought so.

She's very nice, but I don't see you as compatible.

- Oh, you're right. We're not. - Hm.

I imagine that it's amusing. You know, the quaint customs,

the charming quirky little characters.

- Mm. - Mm, to-to live.

Well, they needed a doctor, and I needed a change.

Speaking of which,

I have a patient I was hoping you could...

Oh, you've always been so dedicated to your work.

I find that very attractive.

Really? Thank you. I... Thank you.

Most people find it off-putting.

No, I love it. I love it.

- Oh. - Tell me more.

Well, the patient's name is Sigrid.

Well, she recently gave birth.

She has headaches, elevated blood pressure,

but not high enough for preeclampsia.

And I noticed

that she smells kind of off.

Hm. Musty smell or rotten eggs?

Rotten eggs, which leads me to believe...

Possible infection. She needs to be examined.

She's finally agreed to see me tomorrow.

Here's the other odd thing.

The baby's hairy.

And not just hairy.

- Extremely hairy. - Okay. Well, that could be...

- Hormonal imbalance. Yes. - Hormonal imbalance. Right.

- And I heard it grunt. - Grunt?

- Yes. - What kind of grunt?

I need to know specifically what kind of

grunt it was. Just if you can... Just...

- You know, mm-bb... - Okay.

Newborn's grunting while breathing

can be a pre-sepsis indicator.

And that can be very dangerous for the baby.

So you're saying the mother and the newborn could both

have sepsis. I mean, they should be brought to ER...

- Yeah. Where are they right now? - Well...

They're at a, um, presentation

at the Legion Hall starting now.

Okay, let's go.

Well...

Oh, could you see my luggage while I'm gone?

- We, your sister cit... - She's the one.

Only want the best for both of us.

Once the happy salmon house is constructed,

each month will bring a wonderful dividend check

to be paid to every family in Port Wenn.

I...

She looks like she's having stomach pains.

Yes. Infection would lead to that.

Of course, nothing is more important

than keeping our oceans safe.

What's going on?

You delivered a full placenta, yes?

Yes, but...

What? Again?

Wait, I'm having, like, the craziest deja vu right now.

Diamniotic dichorionic twins.

Is there another hairball in there?

Okay, someone call 911.

- I'll do it. - I'll-I'll get coats again.

- I'll get towels again. - This is crazy.

I feel like I'm trapped in some weird space-time

back-to-the-future continuum.

Am I really here? Is this really happening?

Mark, I need you to pour hot water over a pair of scissors.

- And bring it back to me. - Great Scott!

- Martin, can I help? - I'm gonna need you...

To deliver this baby right now.

No, we are. I've got you.

I have been begging to employ

contraceptives since baby number two. Now look at this.

- Practically a football team. - Ludvig, focus.

I can't believe this, I might not even be able to have

one kid and she's popping 'em out like a PEZ dispenser.

You want one? Please, take.

I need to take care of my Viking queen.

- Oh, okay. - Okay, we are crowning.

Ah! How can a second fetus go unnoticed?

But if one is right behind the other, it can make it

difficult to see the second or even detect his heartbeat.

Okay, Sigrid, big push.

Congratulations.

You have a beautiful baby girl.

- Aw... - Will you look at that?

- Aw... Oh, oh. - Wow.

- Huh, that's surprising. - Yeah.

- She's a cute one. - Well, she's not hairy.

I was really looking forward to call her a Two-Bacca.

Two placentas, unequal function.

Hey, one was producing excess androgens,

which explains little Halvdan's body hair.

You always were the smartest one in the room.

- My God, she's burning up! - Okay.

Hey, the paramedics are here. Move out of the way.

- Everybody. - We got a 35-year-old female.

- Intrauterine infection. - Could be septic.

Okay, she needs fluids and IV antibiotics.

And the babies need a full workout.

- Got it, doc. - One, two, three.

Don't worry, little one, everyone's gonna be okay.

- Thank you, doctor. - Uh, it's fine. You're welcome.

Please, understand.

This changes nothing.

The salmon farm will still come to Port Wenn.

Unbelievable.

Man, I've run into some hard cases, but she is stone-cold.

If you weren't on that gurney, I would punch you in the face!

Poor woman, the first thing I'm going to do is buy your house,

kick you out, and tear it down.

She's obviously delirious.

- She doesn't mean it. - Listen to me.

I just delivered two of your twelve children,

or however many you have, not to mention saving Sigrid's life.

But these are your duties, yes?

But not theirs.

Mn-mn.

And yet they helped you every step of the way.

Even after they knew that you

and your definitely-sociopathic wife

came here under false pretenses to destroy their town,

they helped. Why?

Because they're good

and they're decent to the core.

So they might not have the stomach

for a prolonged ugly court battle.

Nor the resources, I'm guessing.

Yeah, but the thing is, Ludvig...

I am not as nice as they are.

And you know who loves me?

A certain powerful US senator

on whom I performed a very successful triple bypass

says he owes me his life. So you have a choice.

You could tear up that dishonest contract

you tricked these people into, or I will make sure

you never do business in America again.

It's up to you.

I thought you said medicine never takes sides.

This isn't medicine.

This is Port Wenn.

- Fine! You win! - Ah!

Consider the contract null and void.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must go. My queen needs me.

Ludvig, wait, wait. We can fix this.

You're gonna be sorry, Eeyore. Trust me.

- Okay? - Yes. Yes.

- Hey. That was cool, doc. - Yay!

What was, uh, that all about?

Um, like most things in this town...

- It's kind of hard to explain. - Hm.

Anyway, uh, we made a great team today, I feel.

We did. We did.

So maybe I could see you later

and we could pick up where we left off?

- Uh-huh. Yeah, mm. Mm-hmm. - Okay.

Martin.

Martin, wait. You saved the town.

I... I wouldn't say that.

All this time, a-a-a certain senator, I mean,

why didn't you say something sooner?

Because I just made him up right now.

Dr. Martin Best, you never cease to surprise me.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

So how many can I set aside for ya?

- A couple. Yeah. - Two? Two's good?

All right, you got it.

Come on out of there.

All right, easy.

Good ones, huh?

Hey, Barry, I gotta go back on the boat.

If you could just keep an eye on that and, uh,

well, keep that lid on, and don't let 'em get away.

- Okay. - Yeah.

So you're going with the quotation marks

around the bingo?

Because when you put the quotation marks

around the bingo, it looks like

it's not really bingo.

What do you want, dad?

You tell me, when's the best time to tell your kid

that he's not your kid?

When he's five and you're together playing Legos?

"Hey there, little buddy, not your real dad."

Or when he's 12, you know,

"Hey, can you pass the pancakes to not-your-actual father?"

I don't know, dad, but-but-but you were the grown-up.

You were supposed to figure that out.

Yeah. Well, point taken.

- Who's my real dad? - I'm your real dad, damn it.

You know what I mean.

I don't know...

because she never told me.

Can you forgive me, kiddo?

This isn't me realizing, like, there's no tooth fairy, dad.

This is a-a lie about who I am.

I don't know, you're sure you wanna play bingo

on your birthday?

If they let me win!

She's kind of dressed up. Do you think she knows?

Oh, she never wears silk. Damn it! I wanted this to be a...

Surprise!

The only thing better than a surprise party

is a surprise wedding.

Here, here, give me your coats. Go, have a seat.

Did you really think that you were gonna get away

with getting married without us?

- Now... - Yeah.

Everybody's here and all dressed up.

We don't have Brisket.

Wait.

See, we have taken care of everything.

Thank you, Martin.

We don't have rings.

I told you we've taken care of everything.

Okay, Peter. Oh, there you are.

And now we shall begin the ceremony

of the warming of the rings.

And as the rings get passed to you,

please take a moment to hold them in your hand,

and think of a silent blessing for our dear friends

and their future together.

George and Greg,

you came here to Port Wenn 18 years ago.

Bought that broken-down old bed and breakfast

and turned it into the Salty Breeze,

which is the very heart

and soul of our little town.

And for 18 years you have fed us

and, and celebrated with us.

And most importantly,

you have gossiped with us.

And there are no two people in this town

who are cherished more than the two of you.

The rings now contain something

much more precious than the metal

because they hold the collective love

and blessings of everyone here...

because we love you so much.

Yeah. Love you guys.

And, uh, it fits.

This is...

so perfect.

Thank you.

Now you may kiss the groom, both of ya.

Look at you. You're glowing.

Mm. And why wouldn't I be?

We beat those damn Norwegians. Love is in the air.

- Future looks bright. - It does?

Even though you still might lose your house?

Things can turn on a dime, Marty.

They can turn on a dime.

If you love her so much, why don't you tell her?

Could it be worse than wondering what if?

I'm gonna go get some cake.

Hey, um, I was thinking,

what if I came with you to your call-back to you.

Come on, we could, we could ride the subway,

we could eat pizza till we barf.

We could take pictures with the Naked Cowboy.

What do you think?

What?

Oh.

Sorry to cut... Please, just one sec.

Hi. Sorry to, uh, interrupt.

I just, um, I just wanted to...

Uh, I just want you to know that, um, I'm actually

not going to New York to audition for Juilliard.

- Oh! - Why?

Um, because I didn't even get a call-back.

I've been lying this whole time.

- What? - Yeah.

They rejected me last week.

But I-I just, I saw how excited for me you all were.

So, yeah, I'm, I'm sorry to, to lie,

and I'm, I'm sorry to disappoint you

and I'm-I'm sorry

that I wasn't good enough. Sorry.

- Oh, no, no. - No, you did not disappoint us.

With all the lying, why, why wouldn't you tell me?

Because you like me, because you, like, think

that I can do anything. And clearly I can't.

Elaine, I love you.

I love you because you're you.

Hey, that's my boy.

And I, I don't think that you can do everything.

You almost burnt down the office trying to make toast.

- Twice. - She did?

- You love me? - Yeah.

Aw...

He's not the only one that loves you.

- Oh! - Yes!

It's a great day, isn't it?

- I guess. - Well, what's the matter?

I mean, it's all too up in the air.

Well, Al is upset with me.

Is he gonna go to New York without Elaine?

You know, can we even really afford it?

I hate to admit it, but I, I really

could have used that monthly Norwegian money.

Well, you don't have to worry about that.

Why not?

- You know what I saw fishin'? - What?

Sea urchins for miles.

- No. You mean... - We're gonna be rich!

- Oh! Oh. - All of us! All of us!

Okay, okay.

- Uh, uh, wait, just... Okay. - Have some cake.

Pretty amazing, huh?

We managed to get George to cook

for his own wedding. Boom.

Um...

Do you wanna have a baby with me?

- What? - As friends.

That's what we were always the best as anyways,

being a great team.

I don't understand.

Yeah. Yeah.

Like, we would, um...

We would parent together, but not be together?

Yeah. Yeah.

It's a new world, you know?

Families are made all different ways now.

Why not? Let's have a baby together.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh. Oh, Martin.

Oh, Martin. Oh, I hate to have to tell you this.

Oh, after such a nice day and...

- All that you've done for us. - What is it?

Well, as secretary of the Town Council,

I just got an email

from the Maine State Medical Registry.

They're gonna investigate you.

Something about Elaine taking blood without a license.

I knew you'd call.