Original subtitles

-Hey. Water department figures. -Oh, did that guy call back?

Oh, "Mr. I Was Just About To Call..."

-No, no, no. The... -Yes.

He said the inspection budget's

-down 10 percent. -Down?

-Yeah. -Great. So...

You know who I'm gonna follow up with?

Angie.

Okay.

Hey, Ed. You wanted to see me?

Hey. Adam, did you just call me "Ed"?

-My name's Ned. -It's short for editor-in-chief.

I saw you and Mare talking fast to one another, and I thought,

"You guys wanna save some time? Watch this."

Well, it worked.

Okay, so,

"Local man Victor Premens stuffed a Dyson in his pants

"and walked out of an East Toledo Target as a joke,

but the prudish store manager didn't get the punchline."

-Crazy. -It is.

Who was your source for this article?

Victor Premens.

The man who stuffed the vacuum in his pants?

Yeah, as a hilarious joke.

Okay. Did you get any other sources

-for the article? -Hmm...

-I did not. -No, right.

I want you to consider

that Victor may have been lying to you.

-Mm... -That he only said

that it was a joke because he got caught.

Um... Okay.

I think this could be the lead story

in the "Also News."

-Happy? -Yeah. Thank you.

Oh, yeah, I started something called the "Also News."

We print it right here,

it's distributed only on this floor,

and Adam is the star reporter for the "Also News."

As journalists, we are going to get lied to.

But one of our jobs is to separate

fact from fiction.

And to place commas correctly, right, Adelola?

-It was one comma. Let it go. -Yeah.

Yeah, so, I wrote a sad story

about a woman who owned a pet pig. Um...

The pig was also named Yvette, so that didn't help.

So I thought, as we're all still new to this,

we could play a little game to train our instincts.

The game is called "Two Truths And A Lie".

It's fun.

Uh, the drinking game, right?

Oh, I would actually prefer not to drink at work

if that's okay.

We're not gonna drink.

No one's drinking. Ahem.

Okay. Pair up and, uh, get your BS detectors out.

-Travis. -Should I get Mare?

Oh, no, she's on deadline.

Right, Mare?

-Right... Hey, Mare. -I'm on deadline.

Okay.

Remember, you're listening for the ring of truth

and the clonk of lies.

Okay.

-Go. -Okay.

I buy a new toothbrush every week,

I can't feel pain on the bottoms of my feet,

and I once misdialed a phone number

and accidentally called Martin Lawrence.

Okay, well, you don't have that many good stories.

So I don't think you would've held onto

the Martin Lawrence thing for that long, right?

Unless it's not the Martin Lawrence

-that we all know and love. -Ooh.

May I please see the bottoms of your feet?

-No. -Martin Lawrence is a lie.

-Nice. Very good. Very good. -That was good.

Thank you.

I once knocked out Muhammad Ali.

-And? -And what?

Okay, who doesn't have any good stories?

Oh, my goodness. You've reached Martin Lawrence.

When you hear that beep, you know what to do.

What? Yes!

Well, the first time I called him,

he thought I was his niece,

and we had this sweet heart-to-heart

about my spending habits,

but ever since then it just goes to voicemail, yeah.

-Holy crap, that's... -Who's this?

Wait, he just texted. "Stop calling this number."

Oh! What?

Are you kidding me? For real?

Can you send me his number?

All right. Adam's piece was picked up by the "Also News,"

so we are one article short.

Oh, how terrible.

Ugh, Ned is still here.

Perhaps he has cockroach DNA. Do you know cockroach?

That you try to smash it but then it doesn't die?

He turns on his back, you know? That's Ned.

And you pretend that you're happy that he's alive.

-Ned. -Yeah?

I really want this to succeed.

Thanks.

What is our Wirecutter?

What is our Wordle?

We need things

which keep people's minds off the bloody news.

You have to remember

People On Toilets.

-I have an idea. -Oh, my God.

-How long have you been there? -The whole time.

I thought you were a pile of shirts.

Nope.

Yes, Mare? Let's hear it.

Ah, so in the 90s, the paper used to do

this section called "Shame On You."

We'd like, uncover a business scam

and catch them in the act.

Oh. That's... Okay, that's good.

-I like that. -Yeah.

I've got a list of businesses

who wouldn't advertise with us,

so you can select your targets from there, Mare.

Mare, do you have a business in mind?

Okay, I just bought a new mattress.

Do you know this scam with mattress stores?

Ugh. Okay, so, basically,

they all carry the exact same stuff

but change the names so you can't compare prices.

-False advertising scam. -God yeah.

Let's do it.

Okay. Great.

Great.

-Ned. -Yeah?

I'm so sorry about the disappointing news.

You must be very sad.

What's...? Uh... Sorry, what?

Oh, because you don't know? About Mare?

Mare, the woman whose parents named her after a horse.

She's leaving us for the hotel business.

What?

No, that makes no sense.

I literally just sent her out on a story just now.

Sadly, I got a call from Mr. Bob Willis at Radisson

checking for her references.

She got accepted to a concierge training program,

which we know is:

But it seems like that's what she wants.

-She didn't say anything to me. -She's embarrassed.

I mean, it's giving up her dreams for a paycheck.

Or maybe she just doesn't believe in you.

She's... She's the only one here with any reporting experience.

I will never get a fair hearing from Ned.

I mean, I could be the most amazing reporter on this planet,

some people say I am.

But I could never beat the sex pheromones

that Mare is putting out there.

-I'm gonna talk to her about it. -Wait! Wait.

-What? What? -Why do you want to do that?

Because she's our best reporter and I don't wanna lose her.

-And? -And...? What?

You think she's a beautiful woman?

From a certain angle? With the right light?

What? Oh, okay. No. Um... Hey.

Uh... Uh...

That is incredibly inappropriate.

She's your favorite.

I saw you looking at her like a dog on my auntie's leg.

Christ, no, no, no. Stop that. That is not... Hey, stop that!

I would not do that. I barely... We've been... I...

She works with me.

-My mistake. I apologize. -Good.

Actually, it's good because I thought

this would've been more bad news for you,

but now I feel that I can tell you

and it's not going to hurt your feelings.

-Yeah. -Okay, because Mare,

she's, uh, you know, assesuale.

-I don't... What...? -She's "a sexual." Like,

-she's not a sexual person. -Oh.

-I don't... Okay. -She's not, really.

That's why they want her at Radisson,

because she is a diversity hire.

Sure. I don't... That's not any of my...

-Yeah. -...business. Whatever way she...

-Of course. -I don't care about that.

It's just that she's a-sexual.

-I got it. Stop. -Like, this is what she is.

First of all, whatever way Mare wants to live her life

is her choice.

-Oh, yeah. -Okay? Second of all...

-are you sure? -You should ask her.

I'm sure she would be okay to talk about it with you.

Because you are her boss.

You are curious about her sexuality...

-No. -...and if the HR lawyers

would say anything about it, I got your back.

Uh...

Mint?

Uh...

I'm trying to run a paper here.

I can't be losing my best reporter

to the Radisson.

Maybe they'd take Adam.

-Hey. -Hey, I'm sorry.

I'm just printing these and I'm off...

No, not at all.

I'm not rushing you,

just take your time.

It's been around a hundred years,

it'll be around a hundred more.

Um...

If you had to put odds on us succeeding,

you know, near future, long-term.

Mm-hmm?

What are you feeling? A number.

Ninety-five percent. Ninety-five percent.

-Wow. -I'm leaving 5 percent open

in case of asteroid, which'd be a shame

because that would be a great story.

Great story. Yeah.

But, otherwise, no doubts whatsoever. Hundred percent.

Asteroids are real. Ninety-five.

Wow. Well, you can't beat those odds.

I'm sorry, 95 percent? That's delusional, right?

And a little nerve-wracking,

considering he holds my career in his hands.

Unless he's really amazing.

I mean, he did sell a crazy amount of toilet paper.

Okay, I'll see you later.

-No, don't. Uh, don't leave. -What was that?

Let's hunt down the mattress store story

together, you and me.

You wanna come to some mattress stores with me?

Because you've got such a fun job, let's both enjoy it.

Sure. Woodward and Woodward's boss.

-Ben Bradlee. -Okay, you actually knew that.

Oh, you run so athletically.

Hey, chief.

Hey, just 'cause I'm your editor-in-chief,

you don't have to call me that.

Uh, I wasn't. I'm just... I'm not good with names.

Um...

-Ned. -Ned! Ned. Ned.

-Ned. -Ned, Ned, Ned.

I knew it was something old-timey. Ned, got it.

-Ned. -Is this...?

Anyways, "Two Truths and A Lie."

Very helpful. Since I finished my article already,

I wanted to know if I could do it with somebody else.

-Like for practice. -Oh.

-Maybe, um, Nicole? -Travis? Or...?

Yeah, yeah, Travis is cool, but I was thinking more like...

-Adam? -...Nicole?

Whoever you want.

Okay, I'm gonna tell Nicole you said to do it.

Thanks, Fred.

Detrick.

I don't really think of him that way.

My type historically has been know-it-alls

who don't really like me.

So pretty much

the complete opposite of Detrick.

Oscar?

-Uh, may I approach? -You may.

So me and Mare,

we're working on a really interesting piece.

-I don't care. -Called "Shame On You."

I know you don't care. I know you don't.

No pressure, all right? No pressure.

I'm not putting any pressure on you.

I can see that.

But just in case it's not done in time,

would you mind whipping up another sudoku for the paper?

That last one was just... It was so good.

-I couldn't look away. -Thank you.

-I'm pretty busy. -Okay, totally.

I know you're good with numbers.

Could be fun.

Well, saying that work is fun is a form of pressure.

Quite frankly, it's giving me PTSD from an old boss.

Okay, I apologize. No more pressure.

-I'll put you down as a maybe? -Don't count on it.

Okay.

Maybe, I love maybe...

I don't know why Ned wants us

to play "Two Truths and a Lie,"

but he's the boss, so, um...

Yeah.

Sushi?

Where'd you get that sushi? There's no sushi around here.

Oh, I hate to disagree with you right off the bat,

but they have it at the gas station.

Ew.

When'd you get that sushi?

You haven't left all day,

and your car was here when I got in.

-Okay, "The Noticer." -Yeah, that's what they call me.

Cool. There's a new noticer in town.

All right, um, how about this.

I ask you a question,

you don't wanna answer it, you, uh, eat a piece of sushi.

It's not that bad, for real.

Well, there's your lie.

Okay.

Okay, so, what kind of couple should we be?

Just a regular couple. Not regular. Uh, hetero... Cis?

-I don't understand... -What are you asking?

No, just I mean, are we bougie, you know?

Or are we cheap? Are we too online?

Are we not online, you know? Do we have kids?

Do you want kids and I don't, and it's tearing us?

If this is making you at all uncomfortable,

we don't have to be a couple at all, all right?

We can just be brother and sister.

Who are buying a mattress together?

Our mom gets debilitating bladder infections.

She's... She's incontinent.

We have to buy a mattress for her.

My God, we're just a couple, okay?

And keep the mom thing in your back pocket

if everything goes wrong.

I am so sorry to hear about your mother.

-Thanks. -Thank you.

It's his mother. We're actually married.

I'm also her boss.

At a sleep research facility.

But we keep things very professional, right?

We don't use any of the beds at work for...

This would be our home mattress where we... Where...

It'd be our... We're...

So we're actually doing that whole like,

going around, price comp thing.

-Oh. -And we were super interested

in your StayCoolHybrid FirmRest Foam,

-right, honey? -Yes. Yes. Hm.

Yes, right over here.

Oh. Great. Oh.

Nineteen hundred for a queen.

Great. And now your ad says that you match any price, right?

That's right. As long as it's the same mattress.

Totally. That's great.

Because we actually just saw one

over at Twice Upon A Mattress

that looks identical

to the StayCoolHybrid FirmRest Foam,

but it was 1550.

-Would you honor that price? -Ah.

I assure you,

the StayCoolHybrid FirmRest Foam

-is exclusive to our store. -Ah.

That's too bad, since I'm a sleep researcher

and my wife is the person who shaves people

-before our experiments... -A nurse?

It's more specific than that.

We could really use these savings.

I wish I could help.

But the lumbar support, it definitely will.

Heh, do you mind just checking for us, though?

-She's very thorough. -Yeah. I'm just gonna go, um...

-Thank you. -Let me see

if I can get my manager.

-Thank you. -That'd be great.

Hi.

I am incredibly sorry about my limp.

I hurt my foot last night.

At my match. Darts playoff final.

We won.

-I scored the winning double. -Hm.

This happened afterwards. I was mugged.

Nearly mugged, for the winnings and trophy.

Ken, I heard you dropped a dart on your foot?

I did, indeed, sir.

This is just our bi-weekly budget meeting with Marv

in which we have absolutely nothing unusual planned.

And if I am rubbing my hands together slightly,

it's because it's chilly in here.

Everybody here?

Yes, I believe we are all here.

Well, let me double check.

One, two, three, four...

Oh, my God, where's Ned?

He was going to be the fourth person I counted.

-No Ned. -Yesterday, he said that

his time is too precious to waste it

with boring, pointless meetings.

Does Ned think this is one of those?

Impossible. Surely.

Hm.

Interesting way to make an impression.

-Right? -Should we just call him?

Oh, no. No, no need.

He knows about this meeting, I left him a note.

-She left him a note. -Okay.

Oh, MOB-MI-AB.

"Marv's Office Budget Meeting In A Bit."

Yes, classic shorthand.

Ned doesn't have time to read the whole sentence

while he's flirting all day long with that U.S. troop.

Okay, would you rather be able to speak to animals

Mm...

...speak any human language ever that you want?

Speak to animals.

-Yeah. -No one talks to animals.

-Right. -Um...

-We could talk about your bird? -Um...

Well, Cardi Beek was given to me as a gift.

And then I just... I just got attached.

Who gives a live bird as a gift to someone?

So much work, it's like handing someone a baby.

That's psychotic.

It's pretty psychotic, right?

Yeah. No, this... This guy I used to date...

Oh, um, what happened? Was the... The bird the last straw?

No, his wife was.

Ooh. Um...

Let's... Let's keep going. Um... What's, um... What's your...?

What's your favorite brand of ketchup?

Where the heck is this guy? I'm starting to get worked up!

-Don't get worked up, Marv. -Ann's right.

I'm not gonna get worked up.

Let's get him on the phone. Ann!

Yes, Marv?

I think we should start.

Ned is so gifted at delegating to me.

Let's start.

-False alarm, Ann. -Oh, well.

It was time for me to stretch my legs anyway, so...

You okay? ANN: Yeah, I'm good.

Right, so first on the docket, paying for stories.

Turns out, we have to do that, legally.

Otherwise, we don't own the stories.

-Huh. -Oh, no, really?

I mean, that's going to cost more money.

That's a big problem.

Maybe we could stop doing original stories

and we could go back to the way it was before Ned.

At least until we figure out what's going on.

Hm.

Well, we don't have

unlimited money to throw around...

We're all in agreement there, but may...

That's why we should just wait till Ned gets here

to talk about this.

His absence has done his talking for him.

-Don't you agree? -Don't you?

Before we continue, I have to...

use the restroom, please.

Please.

So formal.

All right, whatever.

The fix is in.

Ned is going to get screwed by Esmeralda and Ken...

but if I go against them,

Esmeralda will hold it against me forever.

This one's actually pretty comfortable.

Oh, yeah, the Relaxer Cloud. That's the one I went with.

You spent $2200?

Jesus, no, that's for the queen.

Mine was like 600 on sale.

-Six hundred? -Yeah.

-What's that, like a twin? -Mm-hmm.

What?

I... Sorry, I served our country.

I got used to a narrow bed in the Army.

No... Yes. Army. Got it.

Army? Come on.

You cannot choose what kind of bed you wanna buy.

That's just the way you were born.

If buying a twin bed is what feels right,

then that's what's right.

Doesn't make you any less of a reporter, of anything.

It just means you've got more space in your bedroom

to buy a desk to do more reporting.

Oh, my God. I just like being held, okay?

What's the point of sleeping with someone

if you can't even feel them because the bed is so big?

I mean, a king bed is like,

"Okay, goodnight, see you tomorrow,

hope nothing bad happens to you in your sleep

because I'd never know about it."

I mean, Cindy is never coming back.

-She's getting her manager. -Are you kidding?

We've been here like 20 minutes.

She said she was coming back. She has to.

Otherwise, she's leaving herself open

to a bad customer service review.

She's coming back.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

-Oh, you know what? -Yeah?

Um, this, uh, is my dad.

-Mm-hmm. -Um...

I'll be right back.

Hi, Mr. Willis, how are you?

Yes, no, I am absolutely interested. Um...

Could I just have until tomorrow morning

to get back to you?

Thank you so much, you have a good day as well.

Okay.

-How is he? -Um, he's okay.

COVID for like the fourth time.

Cindy?

-Cindy? -She's not coming back...

-Cindy! -...Ned.

I mean, I don't think she's coming back.

This is unreal.

What?

Hey, look at this.

Dayton Bold Manufacturers. It's a mattress supplier.

You have that in there?

-Yes. -Direct number.

They've got a mattress store caller ID. Should we?

-I don't know. Should we? -I think... I think we should.

-Okay. -I think I am.

-Oh, my God, okay. -I think I am.

I think I'm doing it right now.

-Well, let me... -Go.

Of course she'd come back right now.

Yeah, you're good.

Hi, no, it's not Cindy, she's in the back.

This is Ned, calling from her desk with a question.

I hope you can help me.

Great, yes. Could you crosscheck

the different mattress names that you have on file

against a model number that I have here?

Fantastic, thank you very much.

-It's AP 182928. -Ask for all of them.

Thank you, Amanda. Yes, I've got a pen.

Yeah, if you could give me the different names.

Uh-huh, and what else?

Oh, my God, Amanda, that's ing great.

Sorry, excuse my language.

Thank you so much.

Wow, ha-ha!

-So we all agree, right? -Yes.

This is the end of the experiment.

Bring back wire stories, save money. Easy math.

I would talk to Ned before we pull the plug on originals,

but he's AWOL.

Mmm. Mm-mm.

No other cuts in the budget?

No, sir. It is air-tight. Like a puppy in a purse.

Okay. I did find one thing.

There's a line item for a storage unit

that, apparently, we've been renting for nine years.

Turns out, it's an apartment unit.

This is actually a very funny mistake.

Um, so what it was, was Enervate,

if I recall correctly,

rented me a very small, furnished apartment

for a couple of weeks

when I first moved over from Saint Alban's,

and that somehow, God knows how,

got filed as a warehouse.

Oh, my God, can you even imagine if my stuff is still in there?

-No. -Huh, that's odd.

What's this? No. No, no.

I mean, that's just...

I think the simplest thing to do

would be to get rid of that,

um... just in terms of

we don't wanna throw good money after bad

by looking into it and hiring an investigator,

-or-or that sort of stuff. -Okay.

So maybe we just put the money back into the newspaper.

Yay, journalism wins.

-Hm, good! -Good!

-Glad we figured that out. -I'm glad we figured that out.

I'm glad we figured it out.

Wow, ha, ha! You're such a little whiz kid.

Ha! Whiz kid. I'm 55, but thank you.

So little whiz guy.

Okay, fine. I'm 59. You got me.

Wow, okay, y'all are still here.

Don't you people have jobs?

We should probably say

that we are reporters from The Truth Teller

doing a story on consumer protection.

I knew your mother wasn't sick.

We confirmed with the manufacturer

that your StayCoolHybrid FirmRest Foam is, in fact,

the same exact model as the one at Twice Upon A Mattress.

Also, My Sleep Mattress, Hammock Matters,

Got Your Back Mattress, Perfect Sleep Mattress,

-Cloud Evolution. -Pillow Mattress.

Which should qualify them for the price match guarantee.

-They're the same bed. -Okay. All right. So what?

There's no proof.

Other than some scribbles on a piece of paper.

If you wanna just...

-And right over. It's Mandy. -Oh, yeah, Mandy.

Boo-ya! Shame on your ass!

-All right. -Oh, no.

-I, um, actually hate this job. -Oh.

I hate this stupid polo

that they make you pay for yourself.

I was too scared to be a geologist,

and now it's too late.

So get your notepads out.

Let's burn it all down.

Let's get some water. And then we can get into it.

-Yeah. -I'll help.

-Get some water? -I'm gonna write it too.

-We're all good. Well... -I'll write it.

Hey.

I actually have a lot of work to do.

It'll just take a second.

Um, so it was hard to crack, but I think I figured it out.

So, your two truths are, you do hate camping

and you are allergic to pecans.

And the lie was, um, you dated a married guy.

Yep. You nailed it.

There we go. Um, thanks again.

"How do you sleep at night?"

-That's great. -It is, isn't it?

-It's great. -I thought it was.

Yep.

God, I just hope Cindy finds peace.

Listen, I have to be honest with you.

I was perhaps a little overexuberant

earlier on with my 95 percent assessment

of the paper's chance of success.

Oh.

The industry is in shambles.

People hate reporters right now.

I mean, our staff...

-Sucks. -No, but it is what it is.

-A 95 percent was optimistic. -Sure.

It's probably closer to 85.

Okay.

"Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm."

According to a poster in my middle school hallway...

-Ah. -...so.

Mine said, "Break dancing will result in expulsion."

-Sure. -So.

I don't know. I'm young.

The hospitality world will always be there.

I'll see you tomorrow?

Yeah.

-Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow. -Cool.

All right, buddy.

Yeah, night, dude.

Also, who could break up "Buddy and The Dude"?

Yeah. I'm feeling good.

Another one down. We did good journalism.

And...

there's a budget meeting?

Shit. Uh...

Shame on them.

-Ann! -Right here, Marv.

Don't fire Ned!

You nev... You never told me to fire Ned.

I would've written it in my book.

Then who'd...? Who did we fire?

Nobody?

Good.