Original subtitles

[Larry] Previously on Doom Patrol...

[Vic] We gave you the sense of touch.

[Cliff] I'll be able to feel with my whole hand?

That's the plan, Robotman.

[Cliff] I promise you. I will not touch a single thing

before I get to you.

[Larry grunts] Hey, what's happening?

Future Keeg?

Whoa!

[Vic] Kay, what are you doing down here?

Everyone inside my head got to sit at this table

and talk to Mr. Caulder, but I never did.

Kay!

Don't follow me.

What the fuck?

You're not leaving anymore, are you?

Given what we've seen in the future, it's probably for the best.

-[people shouting indistinctly] -The Butts are loose!

[screaming]

[Vic] Papers called it the Buttpocalypse.

-That's impossible. -We killed those assholes.

Apparently, we missed one.

And infected it with zombiism.

[screaming]

[Butt roaring]

The prophecy only mentioned the Butts.

If this is real, we're well and truly fucked.

[theme music playing]

["The Ladies Who Lunch" playing]

[Elaine Stritch] I'd like to propose a toast.

Here's to the ladies Who lunch

Everybody laugh

Lounging in their caftans

And planning a brunch

On their own behalf

Off to the gym

Then to a fitting

Claiming they're fat

And looking grim

'Cause they've been sitting

Choosing a hat

Does anyone Still wear a hat?

[man breathing heavily]

I'll drink to that

And here's to the girls Who play wife

Aren't they too much?

[muffled breathing]

Keeping house but clutching A copy of Life

[doors beeping]

Just to keep in touch

[door hissing]

The ones Who follow the rules

And meet themselves Al the schools

Too busy to know That they're fools!

Aren't they a gem?

[man breathing heavily]

I'll drink to them

Let's all...

[beeping]

Another chance To disapprove

Another brilliant zinger

[man breathing heavily]

Another reason not to move

Another vodka stinger

[man panting]

[breathing heavily]

I'll drink to that

So here's to the girls On the go

[man breathing heavily]

Look into their eyes And you'll see what they know

[man breathing heavily]

[alarm blaring]

[gas hissing]

[indistinct growling]

[man panting]

[alarm continues blaring]

[man panting]

[growling continues]

Rise!

[alarm continues blaring]

[snarling]

[man screams]

[glass squeaking]

-[thuds] -[sirens wattling]

[alarm blaring]

Oh, you're already here.

Wonderful.

I'm sure you all recognize the importance of what we're up against.

I have been up all night

rehearsing various ways we can rectify our ill-fated futures.

Rita, we've been talking.

Delicious? [chuckles]

Obviously, what we all saw in the future, we can't let happen.

-We need to prevent-- -[Cliff] The impending asspocalypse.

-Exactly. -[Rita] You're right, Victor.

We need to do everything we can.

And I have thought of everything.

Believe me.

As Victor was saying,

we saw the future and it was horrible.

In order to prevent that future from happening,

the best strategy is to do the opposite of whatever we might have done

-to end up in a-- -Crisis of Infinite Ass.

-[Cliff chuckles] Nice. -[Rita] Indeed.

I'm sure you've all noticed

that I have started wearing flats instead of heels.

Just one simple way to act differently.

And thanks to my stretching abilities,

I am still just as tall as usual.

See?

[Cliff] Uh...

Right.

Jane, I have a few suggestions

on how we can add a bit more color to your wardrobe.

Cliff, perhaps you could try swearing a bit less.

You're averaging a staggering amount of fucks per hour.

Thirty-seven.

[Vic] I think we all agree

that our best option is to change our approach.

But we need to think big.

It isn't just our lives in jeopardy,

the entire planet is at stake if we don't make real change.

Oh, we might not know how we died, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't because

Cliff said "fuck" too many times.

[Cliff] Uh, we might not know how we died,

but I'm pretty sure it had something to do with

the fucking Zombie Butts that took over the planet!

Maybe we start with that.

I couldn't agree more.

In fact, it is the core of my plan. Hmm?

Remember,

we have the upper hand here.

We fought the Butts when we were zombies.

Therefore, it stands to reason

that we created these Zombie Butts.

And anything we create, we can just as easily destroy.

Starting, the scene of the crime.

Darren Jones.

The old barn.

Does any of this ring a bell?

All right, fine, I'll bite.

Uh, what do you all suggest we do to save the world?

[tense music playing]

What would you say to a change in leadership?

[hesitates] New leadership? [chuckles nervously]

Well. Mm-hmm.

Interesting. Um...

Well, I'm... I'm...

I'm sure we could, uh, take a vote on it.

[clears throat] Yes. Although, something tells me,

some people might not be as interested in a team leader

that doesn't provide egg salad sandwiches

as you seem to believe.

But, yes, all right, let's put it to a vote.

All those in favor of me remaining team leader,

please raise your hand.

[tense music continues]

Everyone in favor of new leadership?

[Jane grunts softly]

Wow, um. [exhales]

No, uh, Victor, we have been over this several times.

You... You can't be leader, because you don't have your tech.

And... And Cliff and Larry can't lead because they're unqualified.

[Larry sighs]

-And Jane doesn't even wanna be leader. -[Cliff] Huh?

Therefore, I am the clear choice.

I am the only choice. [chuckles]

If not me, then who?

Who, Victor?

Who?

[slurps, spits]

Me?

Really, me?

Really?

-[oven dings] -[cup clatters]

Where's the thing? Where's the... Cliff.

[Cliff] Oh!

Oh, nice.

Nice batch. Would anybody like a scone?

[Rita] They're not hungry.

[Vic] You're not the only candidate.

The idea is that you'll take over on a trial basis.

If you're not interested, I'm more than happy--

[Cliff] We've been through this.

We don't need a former superhero.

We need a former supervillain.

Somebody willing to win at all costs.

Compare my win-loss ratio with hers.

I haven't quit a day in my life.

Weren't you gonna stay behind and become besties with your future self

until Rouge broke you two up?

Rouge impersonated my dad,

jeopardizing the trust I was building with a valuable asset.

Look, I get it.

She was ruthless.

Villainous, even.

Is that what we need right now?

[Larry] Future Vic may have been just as culpable as the rest of us.

The only person we know who wasn't to blame

for the future is Rouge.

Far as I can tell, she wasn't even around.

Having her as team leader

gives us the best chance to change everything.

That's what Rita's been saying all along.

I didn't say we should all of a sudden start making bad decisions.

[Cliff] Oh, yeah, your opposite day playbook was a work of pure genius.

-Fuck you, Cliff. -[Cliff] Fuck me? Fuck you.

Say it again.

I wouldn't want you to upset your hourly average.

-[Cliff] Fine. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! -23, 24, 25...

-[Cliff] Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! -...26, 27, 28...

-[Cliff] Fuckity fuck! Fuck! Fuck! -...29, 30, 31, 32.

-Oh, shut it! -[Cliff] Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Rita is right.

This is a bold choice.

And generous of all of you to nominate me,

given that, um, I've never even won a golden star. [chuckles]

Don't play the faux humility card, it's not going to work.

You wanna talk about gold stars?

I've been up all night working to save the world,

as I've been trying to say all morning,

I've discovered the source of the Zombie Butt...

[grunts] ...problem. Hmm?

It has to be Darren Jones.

He escaped that night after Jane bit him.

- I didn't bite Darren. -You bit him, I bit him, who cares?

It must have turned him into a zombie.

Lucky for us,

I see no signs that the infection has spread, yet.

Excellent work, Rita.

And if what you have uncovered is true,

then that little undead Were-Butted snake

is probably still hiding near that old barn.

-As I was saying-- -Now, if we hurry,

we can exterminate Darren so he doesn't infect anyone else.

Rewriting the future in the process. Couldn't be easier.

I know. And it's my plan,

so I should be the one to execute the plan.

[Jane] Who cares who gets the credit?

Let's just kill that motherfucker and be done with this.

Who cares about credit?

I have done everything to save you all

and you're handing over the reins to someone

who's already failed at being a hero and a villain.

[sighs] I get it.

Trust me, I do.

But, for this mission,

we're riding with Rouge.

For better or worse.

[tense music continues]

Well, you'll be one member short.

[Larry] Rita, please.

No, I won't participate in a mission where I'm not wanted.

You'll all just have to carry on without me.

I wish you all good luck.

You're going to need it.

[exhales] Well...

[binder thuds]

That was hard to watch.

And painful for all of you,

but let's not forget

that you have all just witnessed an incredibly traumatic sight.

A future overrun with foul beasts,

all of you dead, except for Vic.

But in fairness, your life was pretty shit.

[Cliff] Can we move on to the Killing Darren Jones part of the plan?

Sure. All in due time, Cliff, yes.

But let me look over Rita's materials,

let you gather yourselves.

We, we must be focused and ready to do this right.

[Larry] What... What are you saying?

You want us to take a quick power nap

and then prevent the end of the world?

Yeah, I'm with LT.

This isn't just some testicle monster.

For all we know, we could die at any second.

Quick and dirty can no longer be the modus operand,..

No, this mission requires perfection, nothing less.

[upbeat music playing]

[sighs] All right.

One hour.

I'll do some recon of my own to make sure we've covered all our bases.

-Good? -Wonderful.

Incredibly helpful.

One hour.

Dismissed.

Cliff, uh, a word.

You and I both know that Darren Jones needs to be exterminated.

Uh, yeah. In one hour, right?

I'm gonna go watch Rockford Files.

No, no, no, not in an hour.

Immediately.

Time is of the fucking essence.

[Cliff] But, you just said...

Wait a minute.

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Are you asking me to go on a top-secret mission?

[whispers] I don't need the others.

I only need you.

You are literally an indestructible zombie-killing machine.

[Cliff] Huh.

What do you say, Cliffy?

Do you wanna go and save the fucking world

from some motherfucking Butts?

[Cliff] Fuck yes!

[over intercom] State your name.

Yu. Dr. Margaret Yu.

-[device beeping] -[door hissing]

[indistinct chattering]

-Dr. Yu. -Hey.

Welcome to the Ant Farm, Dr. Yu.

I apologize that you weren't briefed more thoroughly.

The project you'll be interfacing with is highly classified.

Highest clearance only.

Oh. Uh, how secret is that exactly?

Am I allowed to tell my bowling league?

I would trust them with my life. [chuckles]

-[machine warbles] -It's fine, I get it.

I'll just tell them something else, uh...

-[machine beeps] -[exhales] Oh.

I will tell them that I joined the traveling circus.

Quite.

I understand that you're a renowned linguist and anthropologist.

Cambridge educated. Two PhDs.

Oh, three PhDs actually.

And I'm five credits away from the Musical Theater Degree

at Emerson College.

-[snapping fingers] -As impressive as that may be,

I fear that none of it will have adequately prepared you for this.

A little over a year ago, the Ant Farm R&D department

conceived of a creature that could be bred...

-[keypad beeping] -...as a weaponized force of nature.

The goal was to make them unstoppable.

[door whirring]

Let me guess, it worked.

All too well.

[indistinct chattering]

Your mission is to establish a means of communication,

and through which assert control and order.

Weapons must obey our command.

[Butts growling]

-[objects clattering] -[growling continues]

They're like this 24/7.

-[growling continues] -[objects clattering]

They're beautiful.

All right, Cyborg,

Um, let's see what you can dig up the old-fashioned way.

-[keyboard clacking] -[computer beeping]

[cell phone vibrates]

[computer beeps]

[tense music playing]

Booyah.

[keyboard clacking]

[birds chirping]

[Larry] I know you're scared.

I can sense it.

Just... [sighs]

You have to trust me that I'm gonna make everything all right.

Once we avert the apocalypse,

everything will go back to normal.

You have to keep trusting me, all right?

-We have to stick-- [grunts] -[energy surging]

Keeg?

I said we have to stick together.

Why are you acting like this?

What did Future Keeg say to you?

Oh, let me guess, whatever it was, it was all my fault, wasn't it?

Well, we're not in the future anymore and I'm still in charge.

If we wanna fix this, we have to stay uni--

-[energy warbles] -Damn it.

There you are. Judas!

[Larry] I'm a little busy right now, Rita.

[scoffs] Don't you walk away from me!

[Larry] Keeg!

[suspenseful music playing]

[sighs]

[sighs heavily]

Fucking puzzles.

[sighs]

Fucking puzzles.

[suspenseful music continues]

There are no edge pieces.

There are no corner pieces.

There are no edge pieces.

What?

And they all look the same.

Come on, you piece of shit piece.

[grunts]

[breathing heavily]

[sighs]

[burps] What's your problem?

They fucking left.

Rouge and Cliff, they went on the mission without us.

Are you fucking kidding?

What's with everyone ditching me lately?

Did someone send out a memo?

Welcome to the club.

Well, where are you going?

[Vic sighs]

I intercepted a transmission report from the Bureau of Normalcy.

There's another Zombie Butt out there.

If I hurry, I can still intercept it.

So, you're leaving us, too?

[sighs] Jane...

Would you like to join me on a mission to save the world?

[Jane] Hmm.

Yeah, fuck it. Sure, yeah.

Wait, wait, wait, what about Rita and Larry?

-[Vic sighs] -[Larry] Keeg!

[Rita] Larry!

-[Larry] Keeg! -[Rita] Larry.

-[Larry] Rita! -[Rita] What?

-[Larry] Have you seen Keeg? -[Rita] Larry!

It's now or never. You ready?

Let's go, yeah.

Mmm.

[cheerful music playing]

[Cliff] Who needs a Doom Bus or a time machine

when you got two wheels and unlimited stamina?

[Laura panting]

Speak for yourself, big man.

[Cliff] I told you, you could sit on my handle bars.

-[bicycle rattles] -Whoa-oh.

Then I said I would rather die!

-[Cliff] Hmm. -[Laura panting]

[Cliff] Ooh! Wow!

What the fuck is that?

[cheerful music fades out]

This is a fucking crime!

[clicks tongue] Yeah, litter is a crime.

Littering?

That thing isn't trash.

That's a 1974 Gran Torino.

It's one of the first cars I bought when I made it big on the circuit.

I used to fix up cars with my dad.

Way older than the model '78.

Fuck. [chuckles]

Fixing cars was probably the only thing my dad was good at.

"Cause when you're fixing a car, everything makes sense.

There's a solution to every problem.

We both understood that.

You just...

lose yourself in it.

It's tactile.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Why don't you "pop the hood," as they say?

You know, let yourself feel that sensation again.

No, no. Not yet.

I'm saving my first touch for my family.

End of discussion.

Save the world, then allow myself to feel again.

Anything else would be a waste.

Well, that's very noble.

[Cliff] Yeah, Well...

You're lucky that you have people to share your life with.

I don't know where I was in the future or what happened.

But I'm certain of one thing, I was alone.

[somber music playing]

You know, we are quite a bit alike, you and me, Cliff.

Relics from a... long time passed,

discarded by the side of the road

in search of a new home we may never truly find.

[Cliff] What... What the fuck are you talking about?

[Laura clicks tongue]

Uh, the, um... The car.

Yeah, I thought you were using the car as a metaphor.

-[engine whirring] -Metaphor?

A metaphor for what? It's a fucking car.

Yeah. I... I know it's a--

[Darren growling and singing]

Was that Darren fucking Jones?

[Cliff] Was he fucking singing?

[Darren continues growling and singing]

["Shipoopi" playing on speakers]

[male singer] Now, a woman who'll kiss On the very first date

Is usually a hussy

And a woman who'll kiss On the second time out

Is anything but fussy

But a woman who'll wait Till the third time around

Head in the clouds Feet on the ground

She's the girl You're glad you found

She's your Shi-Poo-Pi

Shi-Poo-Pi Shi-Poo-Pi, Shi-Poo-Pi

[male chorus] The girl who's hard to get

Shi-Poo-Pi Shi-Poo-Pi, Shi-Poo-Pi

[female chorus] But you can win her yet

[male singer] Walk her once Just to raise the curtain

Then you walk around twice And make for certain

Once more In the flower garden

She will ever get sore If you beg her pardon

[chorus] Do re mi fa so la ti

Do ti la so fa mi re do

[male singer] Squeeze her once When she isn't lookin'

If you get a squeeze back That's fancy cookin'

[hesitates] Uh, what are we looking at here?

They're butts.

Now, General, you and I both know they are so much more than that.

You're the visionary behind this project.

These aren't just Butts,

they're an entirely new species of creature

that we categorized as Gluteus Morticus.

Infinitely complex, highly intelligent

with deeply engrained social dynamics.

Take these two specimens in front for example.

Note, the scarring on their forequarters.

They were born as conjoined twins.

They're brothers and they recognize that.

In fact, I've only just started to comprehend their bond.

One of them I've named Nicholas,

and the other I've named Theodore. Teddy.

As you can see, they're not killing machines.

They're quite gentle, they have a love of music--

Bored!

-[music stops] -No, don't!

[Butts growling]

-[all exclaiming] -[yelps] They're upset with me.

The Butts have gotten upset with me.

[thudding]

Close it, close it!

The Butts have gotten upset with me.

You scared him.

Your Butts have gone nuts. They're upset with me.

General, say it.

[both] We mustn't upset the Butts.

-[shudders] -That's right.

Okay, we're outta here.

You must see what you have here.

This is an apex life form capable of, of coexisting with humankind!

Yes, and the bureau is grateful for all your work.

Your methods may have been unorthodox,

but this project should be considered a great success for our country.

Finally, we have what we need to move forward with weaponization.

Wait, you can't seriously still be considering

weaponizing these creatures.

Please, you'd be weaponizing

one of the greatest discoveries of our time.

Great discovery?

Like what?

Fire?

Electricity? The atom?

Weaponization is the fruit of progress, Dr. Yu.

This is the intention of discovery always.

-Give me three days. -[tense music playing]

I will change your mind.

I will put together the greatest talent show--

You'll be reassigned.

Immediately.

And if you continue this foolish crusade,

you'll be demoted, or worse.

Are you threatening me?

You're the linguist, Doctor, figure it out for yourself.

-[door slams] -Uh. [sighs]

[Larry] Keeg, I know you love to hide in the electric wiring,

-but now is not the time. -[electricity cracking]

We don't wanna risk everything we're building together

on a game of hide-and-seek.

Damn it, Keeg, talk to me.

I'm done talking to flowers and floor lamps.

Oh, shit.

I'm sorry. Did I surprise you?

That must be frustrating

when someone you love and trust does something completely unexpected.

[Larry] As I said, Rita, I'm a bit preoccupied at the moment.

So, that's how you're going to play it?

Feigning more concern for that thing than you have for me?

Well, the least you could've done

was look me in the eyes before stabbing me in the back.

Honestly, that's probably why Keeg wants nothing to do with you

now that he's seen the way you treat those you care most about.

The ones who love you enough

to ignore the bandage body odor.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Larry, just cut the power to the house.

-[electricity crackles] -[Larry yelps] God!

-[sighs] -Looks like Rita was right again.

[Larry] All right, you know what?

Enough.

You act like this was some great betrayal,

but I had my reasons.

And even if I didn't,

you were actually a pretty shitty team leader.

All you did was tell everyone what to do.

Holding us to impossible standards,

giving out gold stars and demerits like we were all little school children.

After a while,

it didn't even feel like we were doing good for the right reasons.

We were just going through the motions as part of a misguided vanity play.

[Rita] Ugh!

And as for my reasons, I saw the future.

We all saw where we end up.

Excuse me for trying to avoid that fate.

[sentimental music playing]

I would've thought of all people,

you'd understand how time travel can change one's priorities.

When you came back from the past, you were broken.

You called us all strangers.

And you haven't made me feel like

anything other than a stranger ever since.

[clicks tongue] So, what then?

You think your future was my fault?

-[music intensifies] -[electricity crackling]

[Larry sighs]

No. I saw Keeg separated from me.

Abandoned.

Now he wants nothing to do with me.

It wasn't your fault.

If anyone was to blame, it was probably me.

But I'll do whatever I can to keep that from happening.

And if that means Rouge takes charge of the team,

so be it.

I'm sorry, Rita, but I have to do this.

Keeg is all I have left.

All you have left?

Being team leader was all I had left.

And now thanks to you, I have nothing.

[dramatic music playing]

[Larry sighs]

[Jane] You're fucking kidding me.

We're supposed to be posing as bureau agents?

You could've at least told me to change my fucking shirt.

I told him we'd be undercover.

Oh, boy.

Okay, so, what's your idea exactly?

Darren Jones isn't the only Zombie Butt?

I'm not sure.

But if another Zombie Butt escaped that night,

then the Bureau of Normalcy IS gonna know about it.

Okay, and this... And if this works,

what, you'll finally be voted as team leader?

I think the team made it pretty clear

how they feel about me being team leader, several times.

Then, why are you acting

like such a lame-ass motivational poster come to life?

I mean, seriously, you're like a energy drink commercial.

Why are you so fucking tense?

Because I saw the same future you saw.

I'm...

I'm trying to save the world right now,

and maybe if we can do that, then I can finally move on with my life.

Okay, so you're gonna save the world. Then what?

You're gonna go off backpacking with a bunch of normies?

Join an ultimate frisbee league, dude?

Wow. I'm right, aren't I?

Damn, everyone's just going off on a solo act these days.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Yeah, well,

it's easy to feel like everyone else is moving on without you

if you're stuck standing still.

Okay, so let's say you save the world,

then what happens tomorrow?

I don't know. Wednesday?

Come on.

You've been here long enough to know

that our world is ending like every other fucking day.

You keep telling yourself you're gonna move on,

but it feels like you keep finding reasons to stay.

[scoffs] I never said I was quitting.

I just need some time to myself.

I've wanted that for a long time.

[inhales] Yeah, it must be nice to know what you want.

Have you talked to Kay lately?

No.

Well, there was like a moment.

I mean, what the fuck do you know about it?

I was just thinking,

maybe what Kay wants for you

is different from what Kay wants for herself.

The fuck is that supposed to mean? You don't even know Kay.

No, Kay was up top a few months ago.

All of us met her.

I didn't wanna bother you about it.

Bother me about what?

Kay had me record an interview with her,

like Niles used to do.

-[cell phone vibrating] -[whispering] Tell me everything.

-It's him. -Okay.

[birds chirping]

[Cliff] So, what? We just wait for him in a barn and ambush him?

Yeah, is that too complicated?

[Cliff] Won't he smell us coming?

Well, the last time, your pal Kipling,

had magic hats laced with secret pine air freshener.

But in lieu of that,

I've improvised and I've doused our helmets

with Niles's old cologne.

[engine whirring]

And that'll work?

[whirring stops]

It better.

[Darren whistling]

[gate clanking]

[Darren continues whistling]

Hello, Darren.

[Cliff] Get ready to kiss the cook, motherfucker.

[Darren growling]

[Cliff] Holy shit!

I still understand zombie speak.

Who... Uh, what's he saying?

[Cliff] He said, "Welcome to my farm."

Fuck the farm!

Listen, Darren, here's what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna save the fucking world

by crushing your dumb zombie face.

[Darren growling]

What's he saying now?

[Darren growling]

[Cliff] He says he won't eat brains, he's refusing to be a zombie.

[hesitates] Well... I don't think you can do that.

Can you do that? I don't think you can do that.

[Cliff] I don't know. He's still talking. Shh!

[Darren growling]

[Cliff] Something about tomatoes?

[Cliff] I think he's wrappin' it up.

Okay, good, good.

What's he doing?

[Cliff] What the fuck?

[Cliff] Fuck off, Darren.

I came here to fight you and save the world,

not commit some kind of weird mercy killing.

What's wrong?

[Cliff] He's asking me to put him down!

Oh, and what is wrong with that?

[Cliff] He's a fucking zombie!

You're not Old fucking Yeller.

[Cliff] Hey, hold on.

I don't know if I can just Kill an unarmed Zombie Butt farmer.

Stop messing with my head, Darren.

-Stop trying to make... -[Laura grunts]

...this easy on me.

[line whirring]

[Cliff] The fuck are you doing?

What needs to be done.

[Darren growling]

[Cliff] Oh, no. Oh, no.

[growling]

[Cliff] Holy!

[both grunting]

[Darren growling]

[Cliff] You're fucking crazy!

[grunts]

-[both grunting] -[Cliff] Fuck. Fuck.

All right, Darren! You asked for it.

[grunting]

[blood squelching]

[ominous music playing]

Weapon.

[Cliff grunts]

[breathing heavily]

Cliff.

Cliff, it's over. It's done.

[Cliff] I did it. It's over. [exhales]

Something's...

Something's cold.

Oh, no. Oh, God, no.

Oh, God! No!

No! No, no, no!

[whispers] I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Cliff.

[Cliff breathing heavily]

You said you needed a reason to fight, I--

[Cliff] You did the right thing.

I hesitated and you got it done.

That's why you're the leader.

Where the fuck's my... [whimpers]

Oh, shit.

Well, what are we waiting for?

We saved the world.

Let's fucking go home.

-Right. -[techno music playing]

[engine whirring]

[engine stops]

[music intensifies]

-[cigarette sizzles] -[music fades out]

Agent Wolfmann, I presume.

Correct.

And this is my associate, Agent Perez.

Hey. Sorry about my shirt.

Laundry day.

And you must be the, uh, The Butt Hunter.

Why don't you take a wild guess?

Shit.

[whispers] You gotta be fucking kidding me.

We don't wanna waste any more of your time.

We expect a full mission report.

You know I don't do those fancy Bureau Normalcy protocols.

Hunter's gotta have his own code.

Humor me.

All right. [spits]

A year ago, the BON lost an entire horde of killer Butts.

Due to my specific skill set, I was hired to round 'em up.

Several confirmed dead,

some by my hand, some by others.

But the majority have been safely recovered.

I always try to be humane in my approach...

[chuckles] ...but you know how this business can be.

The Butt hunting business?

That's the one.

What's the current status report?

Recently, I came into possession of the final target.

It was particularly difficult to track.

These things are crafty, you know.

Butt hunting, it's chess, it's not...

Yahtzee.

Why was it difficult to track?

Didn't behave like the others.

Seemed sick.

Infected, possibly.

I put it on ice to transport it.

Cold seems to place it in a vegetative state.

But make no mistake, this thing is not dead.

Not all the way, anyway.

So, it's a zombie.

What's a zombie?

Do you seriously not know what a zombie is?

| have a very particular set of skills.

Your information tracks with our intel.

Agent, um...

-[whispers] Butt Hunter. -...Butt Hunter.

[whispers] Thank you.

The bureau thanks you for your work.

-[whispering] Vic. -[Vic] Yeah?

Where are the real BON agents?

[Vic scoffs]

I secretly moved up the meeting. They're an hour behind us.

Okay, but this Butt whacker was like 45 minutes late.

Now we gotta move.

I'm assuming you have my payment.

It'll be wired to you.

In Bitcoin.

Hmm.

-Thanks. -[Butt Hunter] Yeah.

And this is the final Butt, right?

Who's the Butt hunter here?

Me or you?

And none of the other Butts had any signs of sickness, only this one?

Adios, amigo.

Don't let 'em hit ya where the good Lord split ya.

[exhales] Really missing your cyborg tech right about now,

fucking Agent... Wolfmann.

Now, what's your super power again, Jane, besides complaining?

[breathes heavily] Flit, I know I never ask you for anything

but please don't fuck me.

[car doors open]

[Butt Hunter sighs]

[operatic music playing over headphones]

[man over PA system] Attention, the Butts are loose.

[alarm beeping]

[Butts thudding]

[man over PA system] Attention, the Butts are loose.

[Cliff yells] Fuck!

What the fuck?

Oh, fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

[operatic music continues playing over headphones]

[man over PA system] Attention, the Butts are loose.

What the hell are you still doing here?

We have to get above ground before the exterminators arrive.

-[panting] -Exterminators?

-[electricity crackling] -[alarm blaring]

[man over PA system] Attention, the Butts are loose.

[metal creaking]

[metal clattering]

[eerie music playing]

[whispering] Nicholas?

[music fades out]

[footsteps approaching]

Any luck with your friend?

[electricity crackling]

[Larry] Does that answer your question?

[Cliff] Daddy's home, shitlickers!

'Tis done.

Cliff and I found Darren Jones and we kicked his ass.

[Cliff chuckles] The fucker didn't even put up a fight.

[Larry] Congratulations.

Okay, why... Why y'all acting so sore?

We did it. Mission accomplished.

The world is saved.

Not yet, it isn't.

[Jane] No.

[box thudding]

After you two went AWOL,

I hacked into the bureau's records.

Now there was a second Zombie Butt that none of us had even considered.

[Jane] Yeah.

We went undercover and just stole it right from under them.

Thanks for the invite, though.

Excellent work, you two.

You see, this is what happens

when this team is given the autonomy to make decisions for themselves.

You know what?

We all deserve a gold star.

I didn't do this for a gold star.

Whatever, mission accomplished.

This is the final Zombie Butt.

I'm sure you two can handle it.

So, Cliff, uh, can you dispose of the second Butt?

[Cliff] Me? Kill it?

-[chuckles] With pleasure. -Okay, great.

[dramatic music playing]

[music fades out]

[Cliff] Let's see what we got here.

[pensive music playing]

Oh. [sighs]

I'm sorry, little guy.

Just need a minute.

I felt something today.

Really felt something.

I swear. For the first time in a long time.

I always thought if I ever got a chance to feel again,

it'd be my daughter's hand in mine.

Maybe my grandson in my arms while I help him with his hiccups.

That would've been nice.

Instead,

I felt someone's skull collapse under my palm like a grapefruit.

The tough skin,

messy insides.

I felt it all.

His blood was cold.

I guess he was dead already,

sort of.

His eyes...

It felt like there was still warmth in his eyes.

I just... I need a minute. [sighs]

[pensive music continues]

[Laura exhales]

[gentle music playing]

[computer beeping]

[cell phone vibrating]

[keypad clacking]

[Vic on recording] What would you like to talk about?

[Kay] I've been thinking...

Well, more like wondering.

What is the underground supposed to be?

What it's for?

[Vic] You mean like its purpose?

[Kay] Yes! Its purpose.

What is the purpose of the underground?

All of the different personas.

I used to know.

All of the personas always said

they had one purpose,

to protect me.

[Vic] And they do, don't they?

Maybe.

I don't know.

Something's changed.

I don't think I need them to have that purpose anymore.

And I think they need a new purpose.

Otherwise, they'll all be lost.

[Vic] What do you mean they'll be lost?

I don't know.

I think they need to figure that out for themselves.

[Jane] A new purpose?

The fuck is my purpose, if it's not to protect you?

[Vic] Does Jane know her purpose?

[Kay] She takes care of me.

She still thinks her purpose is to protect me.

She's feeling lost.

But she'll be all right.

If anybody can put the pieces together, it's Jane.

[tape stops]

[Jane sighs]

[exhales]

["The Ladies Who Lunch" playing on speakers]

Everybody laugh

Lounging in their caftans

[Dr. Yu humming]

And planning a brunch

On their own behalf

Off to the gym

Then to a fitting

Claiming they're fat

And looking grim

'Cause they've been sitting

Choosing a hat

Does anyone Still wear a hat?

[Nicholas] /'ll drink to that

-I'll drink to that -I'll drink to that

Here's to the girls Who stay smart

Aren't they a gas?

[ominous music playing]

[theme music playing]