Original subtitles

Fuck. Hey, what's the ink?

Blessed is he who bestows pain.

Ash: Try this piece of poetry.

It'll blow your mind.

What the hell is this doing here?

Eli: You have to Bury it deep,

deep below the place where your journey began.

Let's go back there and end it all.

- Aah! - No!

Hello, pussies!

Aah!

That didn't work.

Ruby: You have to use the kandarian dagger

- to deface the book. - Please!

Kumaarizma...

- Aah! Oh! - Pablo!

Aah!

You have no idea what you're doing!

Kelly: Help!

Kelly: Do something!

Of course I know what I'm doing.

I wrote this book.

Kelly: Pablo!

Pablo!

- You wrote it? - Kelly: Come on!

Pablo, stay calm.

- We're going to get it off! - You mean, like, the whole thing?

Yes, and now that you've returned it to me,

everything in here will be let loose upon the world.

Well, aren't we the tricky little bitch?

Pablo: Please. Help. Get it off...

Aah!

Baby! I've missed ya!

Wow. I dumped you at just the right time.

Amanda: Ha ha, ha ha!

Oh!

Ah-ha ha ha!

Pucker up and give me a kiss!

Fat fucking chance!

Oh! Oh, shit!

Shit!

Kelly, please. Help.

Get it off of my face.

Stay back!

He's mine.

No!

- No! - Kelly! Kelly!

Come on!

I'm going to swallow your soul.

Aah!

Aah!

Amanda, whenever you think about us,

you might want to forget this part!

Aah!

Pablo?

Pablo!

Aww, crap.

Okay.

That lady has my book and she has my Pablo.

I got to save him.

I'm not losing anybody else I care about.

That includes me, right?

- Of course. - And... and me.

Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

Just, you know, stay close to her.

What the hell is happening down there?

I have no idea.

Guy at the bookstore said the necronomicon

was written by the dark ones,

so that's what we're dealing with.

The dark ones?

That's a rough nickname.

Yeah, well, at least they're honest.

We know she's not down there starting a charity.

She's going to take that book and summon who knows what.

What, like... like, more demons?

Yeah. Demons, devils,

things that go bump in the night.

All right, I'm going down there.

Kelly, other girl, you stay here and guard this door.

Make sure it stays open.

I've been stuck down there before and it's not exactly mardi gras.

Oh, I'm coming with you. No, you're not.

- That's a bad idea. - No, it's a bad idea to go alone.

Come on! She can walk fine.

Mmm.

That's my Pablo down there, too.

Ash.

I'm going to pop that tall bitch right in the face.

Okay. Let's end this.

Oh, maybe it was just a rat. Who knows?

Voice: Come in!

- Oh, oh, oh! - Ash!

What the fuck?

The fuck what?

Oh. Heh, heh. Hi.

Lin... Lilith...

Mana... may...

- Lucy. - Oh, yeah.

Never would have got that.

Come on.

Are you going to read your poetry to me or what?

Poe“

- You mean this? - You said you would.

- Please? - Oh, yeah.

I don't know.

I think I already read this to you, didn't I?

I think I'd remember that.

Wait a minute.

You think this could all just be a dream then?

All what?

Reading from the book, people getting possessed,

bringing out the chainsaw, the boomstick,

- chopping people up? - I don't know about any of that.

Doesn't sound like fun.

Yeah, no shit, dollface. I was doing the chopping.

So, then you don't want to read that book to me.

- Oh, hell, no. - Ruby: Then don't.

Shit on a biscuit.

Mmm.

Colorful language.

You've always been good with words.

- Don't act like you know me. - Oh, but I do.

You see, one day long ago, you appeared in my book.

Ei jefe.

That's Mr. Jefe to you.

And I knew that you were the one

who was destined to stand against me.

But the end of your story is not yet written.

Now, ash, do you really think

that I want you and your little friends to die?

Yes?

I just want things to go back to the way they were

when the dark ones ruled over the evil forces on earth.

Yeah, well, I just want to bang Mary Ann from "gilligan's island,"

but that ain't going to happen.

The world is in chaos and I want order,

to consolidate the dark forces under one ruler... me.

Oh, so you're the good guy now?

What, you want to control all these demons like the godfather?

- Exactly. - Yeah, well, I hated that movie.

Too long and boring and not enough boobies.

I'm more of a "death wish" kind of guy.

You are the one obstacle in my way,

so what's your price?

What do you really want?

What do I want? I want this to be done.

I want the last 40 years of my life...

10 years.

I want the last years of my life to be worth living.

I want a 20-ounce steak every night for dinner...

A little pad of butter right there.

I want cable TV with all the premium channels.

And Jacksonville.

Oh.

Take it.

I can give you all of that.

Oh, okay. No, no, no.

You're just trying to beguile me

with those radar eyes of yours.

I call bullshit.

What you should be calling is a truce.

Lay down your weapons and go back to your life.

I am offering you the undo button you wanted.

- Take it. - A truce?

I could get into that.

Or...

I could kill you now!

Oh.

Oh, oh, oh! Oh!

Oh, shit.

Kelly, open up!

Help me pull.

Aw, shit!

God damn it.

Oh!

Aah! Oh!

Maybe I should have taken that deal.

Don't worry, Pedro. I'm coming for you.

Uh, Pablo! I meant Pablo.

Jesus. Must have really whacked my beaner.

Fuck!

It's never going to open.

Not if I have something to say about it.

Get out of the way.

Aw, fuck! Fuck!

Is that the old guy's blood?

No, it's the cabin fucking with us.

Dr. Knowby: Began excavating the ruins of kandar

when a group of my colleagues...

My wife and I...

We need to get out of here, Kelly.

Okay? We need to leave, like, now.

Aah! I hate this place!

- Well, then let's just go! - Are you high?

Those are my friends trapped down there.

Yes, but we don't have to be, okay?

I didn't even want to be here. I didn't even want to go hiking.

I hate hiking! And now we're going to die in here!

You realize that, don't you?

Dr. Knowby: A volume of ancient sumerian burial practices...

And funerary incan...

What? Oh, my god. What is...

Aah! Aah!

Aah! My god!

Get a hold of yourself, woman!

Hey, you know, I've always wanted to do that.

- Real talk time, okay? - Yeah?

You stick here with me, we can help ash and Pablo

and maybe have a chance to see tomorrow.

We walk out now,

and there won't be a tomorrow.

But you know what?

You will make a really pretty corpse.

Don't talk down to me, all right?

I'm studying to be a dental hygienist, and I don't need...

Aah!

- Heather! - Heather: Kelly!

Kelly!

Kelly! Help!

Heather!

Heather! Kelly! Kelly!

Kelly!

Aah! Help me!

Pablo: Ash! Somebody!

Kelly! Help me, please!

Please, no. I can't do this.

Ruby: You have to do this.

You are the ore Magnus necronomicon.

Pablo: Please. Please, kill me now.

Ruby: You will be dead

as soon as all my children are free.

The fuck are you doing, Ruby?

Ooh.

Aah!

Yes. Yes.

Oh, god.

And that's why I didn't have kids.

The fuck was that?

Heather!

Aah! Help me! It's attacking me!

Heather, you got to get to that door right now!

No. I'm going to die in here.

No, you're not. You listen to me, okay?

You are going to go on

and be the best dental hygienist

that ever lived in the history of england...

Or wherever it is you're from.

Aah!

Oh, shit. Heather!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

J' they're gonna get you I

j' they're gonna get you I

I not another peep j'

j' time to go to sleep... I

Aah!

Aah!

- Get back! - Ow!

Ow.

Heather!

Heather!

Aah!

Ash has failed!

The world belongs to us now.

Mankind is doomed.

And as for your boyfriend Pablo...

He's not my boyfriend!

It's just you and me now.

Okay, ash, let's do this.

"I'm Ruby. I'm the dark one.

I wrote the necronomicon." Yeah? I don't give a shit.

You fucked things up worse than I ever fucked things up, lady.

So fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

Guess what. There's a new sheriff in town.

You creepy kid.

All right, look, I'm going to count to three.

You better be gone, you got that?

One...

Two...

That's a fucking shotgun, kid!

Last chance.

Three.

Aah! Get off me!

Get off me, you little shit!

Aah!

Oh! Ha ha.

Now I got you.

Someone needs to wash your mouth out, kid.

Fuck!

And that someone is me.

Mmm.

Oh, fuck.

What are you going to do now?

Homemade flamethrower.

Pablo would be proud.

Yeah!

Whoo!

How does it feel?

Okay, kids...

The birthday party is over.

Well, that was easy.

Okay, let's close the show with a little neck music.

Whoo! Yes!

Burn, baby!

Okay, okay.

Pablo, what the hell you doing? It's me!

Ash.

I have no choice.

Oh!

Oh!

You're a dead man, ash.

Don't, Pablo. I'm not going to fight you.

I don't want to lose anybody else.

Ash? Ash?

Ash, I...

Ash, I'm... Still going to kill you.

Ash?

Pablo?

Pablo, don't! Don't!

- I don't want to hurt you. - It's over.

Just do it, jefe!

No! Let go of my blade!

Kill me, please!

- Kill me! - No!

Kill me!

You forgot to remind me to gas her up.

Pablo, you beautiful idiot!

Now it's your turn.

In your next life, learn to read.

What the hell?

Your stupid mortal toys mean nothing to me.

Kelly: Pablo!

But before I kill you,

my book needs a new cover.

What? What?

Oh, no! No, no! Not me!

Oh, no! Not the face! Not the face!

Wait! Wait, wait, wait!

I just got to know, have you lost weight?

Pablo!

Well, I guess this doesn't count

as one of my stupid mortal toys.

Oh, I'm going to enjoy this, Ruby,

because I dislike you a lot.

You get that fucking book off my friend's face.

- Stop! - Or what?

You going to kill me?

Do it and they're both dead.

Pablo, please!

Ash! Ash, help! I'm killing her!

And after the book has killed her,

it'll kill him, too.

- Nothing you can do about it. - Except kill you.

Or... you could take the deal.

Think about it, ash. You are old and fat and weak.

You cannot keep this up forever.

Lay down your weapons and go back to your life.

You know that deep down we both want the same thing.

No, I'm pretty sure I don't want to destroy humanity.

I don't want to destroy anything.

I want humanity to flourish.

Without good, there is no evil.

I just want evil under control. Same as you.

The difference is you never signed up for any of this.

Ash, your entire life

has been marked by tragedy and desperation

and a woeful inadequacy.

I get the idea.

Ow.

Just take the deal.

It's what you've always wanted.

It's not just about my life anymore.

I want their lives back, too. They're coming with me.

- I can do that. - Prove it.

Okay. We're halfway there. Pablo, too.

Do we have a deal?

Ash! No!

What I let out there, it's terrible.

- You can't just do this. - Hey!

I'm doing this for you, buddy, so a little thanks might be nice.

Look, she's just going to godfather all the demons together,

make the world a better place.

That logic seems wrong.

Look, you're just going to have to trust me on this one.

Let her be the gatekeeper. It's better for all of us.

Okay.

Normal life in Jacksonville, the three of us,

and $10,000 in cash.

I'm not a bank.

Gas money? You got that?

Oh, sure. But gas money...

Huh? Huh?

Oh. What?

Okay.

But I'm keeping this just for insurance.

- Truce. - No!

Ash!

You have no idea what's out there!

Ah, good fishing. That's what's out there.

J' no more Mr. Nice guy j'

j' no more Mr. Clean... j'

- I can't believe you did that. - I can.

After a lifetime of getting the short end of the stick,

I finally got the big end.

And I grabbed that big old stick by the balls, baby.

That's one way to look at it.

The other, correct way,

is that evil's going to take over the world.

You seen the world lately? Same diff.

Plus, Ruby said she'd keep a lid on all this,

so we are all good.

Nothing to do but eat, sleep, and live off the fat of the land.

Woman on radio: This is an emergency alert.

Wait, wait, wait. Turn that up.

Woman on radio: All residents of antrim county should stay n your homes.

I repeat, stay in your homes.

Massive sinkholes have been opening all over the city...

Ah, you know the news.

It's always so depressing.

Hey! Who's hungry?

Time for some road trip burgers. Your treat.

Jacksonville, here we come.

- J' back in black... I - yeah! Ha ha ha!

J' I've been too long, I'm glad to be back I

I yes, I'm let loose from the noose j'

j' that's kept me hanging about I

j“ I've been looking at the sky, 'cause it's getting me high... I

Whoo!

J' I got nine lives, cat's eyes I

j' abusing every one of them and running wild j'

j' 'cause I'm back I

I yes, I'm back I

j' well, I'm back I

I yes, I'm back I

I yes, I'm back in black I

j' oh, back in the back of a Cadillac j'

I number one with the bullet, I'm a power pack I

I yes, I'm in a bang, with a gang j'

j' they've got to catch me if they want me to hang j'

j' because I'm back on the track and I'm beating the flak j“

j' nobody's going to get me on another rap j“

I so look at me now, I'm just making my play j'

I don't try to push your luck, just get out of my way I

j' 'cause I'm back I

I yes, I'm back I

j' well, I'm back I

I yes, I'm back I

j' well, I'm back I

j' back I

j' well, I'm back in black I

I yes, I'm back in black I

J“ well... I