Original subtitles

Previously on Malcolm in the Middle...

Baby's a little bit bigger than expected.

So we're going to induce labor on Thursday.

MALCOLM: Festival of Brides?

I just dropped 15 bucks on parking.

We're going in.

Baby just started kicking like crazy.

It's almost like something was upsetting...

Mom!

I'm moving in.

Everybody decent?

God, I'm having a contraction. I'm going into labor.

What? I have to get to the hospital.

Got it on the oldies station.

They're doing a Beatles "A" to "Z."

So I'm just going to make myself some tea

and relax until you get here.

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

These contractions are coming so close together!

Oh!

(screams)

Lois, you have to stop doing that.

You are really freaking me out.

Yeah, me, too, Lois. And I'm a doctor.

We can't wait for Hal anymore.

We've got to go to the hospital now!

You really think you're ever going

to see your husband again? Mom!

He's a man, isn't he?

He's had his way with you.

What's he need to stick around for?

Look, if you're not going to have the decency

to choke on the fumes of your own bile,

can you at least take your poison over to Aunt Susan's?

Did she ask me to come? Did she call you? No.

No, of course not. She only wants to see me suffer.

Can you imagine how she's laughing at me,

knowing that now I'm stuck with you as my favorite.

Knock, knock.

Lois, I need to borrow a coat hanger.

I dropped my sandwich underneath my car seat.

What's going on here?

Lois is in labor, and Hal's not here.

(whimpering)

I have dreamed of this moment!

Here's what we're going to do.

I'm going to carry you in my arms to my van.

I have one of the three original sirens from Starsky and Hutch.

I can make that trip in seven minutes flat.

You're talking crazy!

There were only two sirens used in that entire series,

and they're both in the Smithsonian.

Au contraire. There were four sirens.

(all talking at once)

Oh, Hal, where are you?

Well, let's go! Your mother's in labor!

We just wasted 45 minutes in the security office.

Just our luck-- we get a rent-a-cop

trying to make sergeant.

I think he made you pee in that jar just because he could.

You boys have really outdone yourselves this time.

Now, I'm going to take your mom to the hospital,

and I'm not going to hear one word

out of any of you until we come back with the baby.

(engine starts)

(crashing)

Okay, Dr. Kerr's going to meet you at the hospital.

The guys are packing your bag,

and Craig is cleaning out his car to make room for you.

Two more trips

and we're good to go.

We're ready.

What are you doing with all those suitcases?

I told you she didn't need both sundresses.

Hey, don't look at me.

When I fly, I take one carry-on. That's it.

(men arguing)

I'm ready to go to the hospital. What?

You're not going to the hospital.

I'm not going? You're not going.

Oh, you want to go to the hospital so bad?

I'll send you to the hospital.

I'll send you to the hospital!

Nobody's going to the hospital!

It's too late.

Somebody call the paramedics. I'm having the baby here.

Boys, call me a taxi,

and then call Dr. Kerr, let him know your mom's in labor.

He's in the book.

Then call AAA...

Dad, calm down.

I will not calm down!

(phone ringing)

Hello. Hello?! Oh!

Hello! Lois?

What?! Honey!

Sir, stop moving.

MALCOLM AND REESE: What'd she say?!

My wife's at home, and she's having our baby right now!

I have to get home to her!

She's having the baby at home?

Sir, you're not going anywhere in the shape you're in.

Give him ten milligrams of diazepam.

HAL: Let me out of here.

I'm fine! Wait. What is that?

What-what is that?

Wha-What does that do?

Breathe in a bit.

(groans)

I've got to get home to her!

Give him ten more. I want him immobilized.

Why don't you boys come with me?

We have all sorts

of fun magazines in the waiting area.

You like Highlights? You like "Goofus and Gallant"?

We don't want to read stupid magazines.

Our mom is having a baby!

I'm sure she's being very well taken care of,

and so's your father,

so there's nothing for you boys to do

but relax and wait for someone to come and get you.

But we have to do something. This is all our fault.

You're obviously very upset young men,

and frankly, I have no idea how to deal with you.

That's why I'm not in pediatrics.

Now, let's go into the waiting room

like I told you.

If you don't want to look at magazines,

I'm sure there's a chair you can spin around in.

My God, what does this woman weigh?!

I'm losing my grip on her thigh!

Let's get her to the bed!

Let's get her in there! Let's go!

Move it, move it, move it!

All right, all right, all right! Count of three, count of three.

MEN: One, two... three!

(all grunting)

That was like moving

a concert grand. FRANCIS: Just relax, Mom.

The paramedics will be here soon and they'll know what to do.

Don't worry, Lois, I just Googled the word "baby."

Here we go. 28 million matches-- there ought to be

something useful in there. Craig, get off that thing.

We don't need it. Trey's a doctor.

Oh, no, Lois, I'm a dentist.

But you have medical training, don't you?

Yes, but I took up dentistry

specifically because... well, that area down there,

whe-when I look at it, I get giggly.

I just do...

since high school.

Oh, for God's sakes.

I doubt I'm the only one. (doorbell rings)

The paramedics are... oh. Hi, is Malcolm home?

No, and we're in... I just need to use his notes for my biochem homework.

This really isn't a good time.

You don't say hello to your own grandmother?

I'm not Malcolm. We've been through this before.

(shouting): Oh, God, the baby is pressing down

so hard on my cervix!

Well, good, looks like everything's under control here.

Piama and I are going to head out

back to the ranch.

What are you talking about?

Nothing! You think I'm running away?

You think being here when my own mother gives birth

is-is making me so intensely uncomfortable

I've made up a fake excuse to leave?

That is not even a tiny bit true.

CRAIG: Okay, clothes for babies, names for babies,

truck drivers dressed like... ew.

Excuse me, can somebody help me

find Malcolm's biochem notes?

I need them

to do my assignment.

Get out of here, Lloyd!

I'm in labor! I'm about to give birth!

It's a really important assignment.

We are the worst kids in the world.

Mom was right.

We really are evil little trolls who have absolutely

no consideration for anything

but ourselves,

and destroy everything we come in contact with,

and we're lucky if we don't end up in prison or dead.

Here's what we're going to do.

There's a class that starts here

in ten minutes.

It's all about how to be parents to newborn babies.

We're going to take it.

What are you talking about?

We're going to learn how to help out.

We're going to learn how to be good for once.

All right! Yeah, this baby's not going to get

dropped on its head all the time.

Yeah!

What?

Take a deep breath, and blow it out

like you're blowing out a candle.

(puffing)

(puffing)

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh, my God!

I thought my fingers were going to explode!

Way to breathe through it. CRAIG: Hey, hey,

I found something!

There's been a slight increase in the incidence

of babies born with a tail.

I wonder if that makes it easier to tell when they're happy?

Where the hell are those paramedics?

They'll be here any second.

Steve called them

ten minutes ago.

Yeah, that's right.

That's what I did ten minutes ago.

So, when did you get this wallpaper?

(men chatting)

So, anyway,

we just feel awful,

and that's why we really want to take this class.

Oh, my God, you should feel awful.

You're horrible children.

That's our point.

Well, I suppose

everyone deserves another chance.

All right, you can take the class.

Thank you. Ah, we're in. Yes!

When your milk duct is blocked,

it's called mastitis.

It's important that you let your baby

suck the obstruction out of the breast,

and don't be alarmed if the baby then vomits up

a cottage cheese-type substance.

Now, join me over here...

Like I needed another reason to hate cottage cheese.

I've been kind of zoning in and out here,

but did she just say milk comes out of those things?

Reese, that's what they're for.

My God!

Women are the cows of people!

(whimpers)

Oh!

I'm coming, Lois.

(grunting)

(grunts)

I'm coming, Lois!

I'm coming, Lois!

(grunting)

I'm coming, Lois!

I'm coming, Lois! I'm coming!

I'm coming, Lois!

(screeching): I'm coming!

I'm coming, Lois! I'm coming!

I'm c...

(whispers): I'm coming...

Lois.

Here, I brought some towels

to put under your knees.

Oh, Piama,

don't use the good towels.

IDA: What does she know about towels?

Her people dried themselves off by throwing dirt on their backs.

Thank you, Piama.

Thank you very much.

I'm sure

the paramedics will come get you very soon,

and before they do,

there's something I want you to know.

Your father had a second family.

What?!

This slutty cocktail waitress in Manitoba.

She was nothing but a pig,

and the children that came out of her...

Why are you telling me this now?

In case you die,

I don't want you thinking of him

as a decent man,

but don't tell your sister.

Let her stew in her own ignorance.

I only tell this to my favorite.

(loud hammering)

What are you doing?

Building calms me down, okay?

We're all trying to find ways to cope with this.

Yes, Francis, I'm trying to cope with this pregnancy

by giving birth!

Excuse me. I'm working quietly.

I'd appreciate it

if you could work quietly, too.

Got to get out...

I gotta get out.

I gotta get out.

H-Hey!

How's it going?

You gotta get me out of here.

I don't belong in here.

I have to get home.

It's okay, little fellow. You'll be fine...

as long as someone claims you in the next six hours.

Six hours? What happens then?

Wait! What happens then?!

Oh, boys!

Boys!

Over here. Pick me, pick me.

Wow, look at this guy.

Yeah!

That is the ugliest dog I've ever seen.

What did he roll in?

I'm gonna be sick.

Oh, look at this one.

No! No, please come back.

Please, please, please!

Can someone shut this yappy one up?

That's right, Dewey.

Come back to Daddy. Pick Daddy.

Can we take this one's collar and put it on the good one?

Collar?

What?

No! No!

(howling): No!

No! No! No!

(barking)

My biggest fear... is that I won't be

a good big brother.

Babies are born stupid

and they're really counting on you.

They'll touch stuff they shouldn't.

They'll eat anything.

I'd say half of all our Legos have been through this kid.

Probably more.

Can I get a new baby?

(man screaming)

Lois, Let go!

Or at least grab his hand!

They say that childbirth

is the most painful thing a person can go through.

With a little light pancake, you could pass.

You don't have to hang out with the other ones, you know.

Okay, you know what?

See, here's the thing...

Lady... we're better than you.

Every one of us in every way.

I'm smarter than you,

more educated, and I contribute more to society.

I have a family

that loves me.

I live in a big house,

drive a nice car and make more money in a year

than you've probably made your whole lifetime.

Big deal. So you're a drug dealer.

Booga-booga!

(shrieks)

LOIS: Hal, where are you?

Put the ice on it.

The paramedics'll be here any minute,

so just hang on.

I can't hang on.

It doesn't work like that.

This baby is coming now.

Lois, you don't want to push until you're

at least ten centimeters dilated.

Well, take a look if you want.

Uh... I-I...

I'd be happy to look in your mouth.

Do you know those animals are in your backyard right now

pacing back and forth like it's Africa?

When this is my room,

they don't come within 20 feet of the door.

Oh, I can't believe she's here. I can't believe

my sister picked now to have a fight with her.

I can't believe I'm going to have

to move into the boys' room.

Calm down.

Does your sister know

your mom is dying?

What are you talking about?

Does your sister know your mother has a fatal disease

that she's been hiding

and this might be her last chance

to make peace?

With her mother.

Who's dying.

Wipe.

Cream.

Ready.

Done! ALL: Yeah!

Number one.

In your face!

We're just learning

how to take care of our babies.

That's loser talk.

We're gonna be the best big brothers ever.

We aced Diaper and we totally owned Tub Time.

I'm so glad I memorized

all the common household chemicals

that can be poisonous to the baby.

You know, all this stuff parents have to do...

all the feedings and bathings

and diaperings

and safety stuff and scheduling--

just made me realize.

Mom never did any of this.

There's a bottle of this on our headboard.

No wonder we turned out the way we did.

(groaning)

It's six months, maybe a year.

I'm gonna need that computer.

Not today, squirt. Lois is about to have a baby,

and I'm in charge of research.

She's hot.

I can't work with someone looking over my shoulder.

Well, I'll see if I can find her.

Mother! Telephone!

Is the border station going to return my rifle?

Hello?

Yes?

Oh, I'm glad to hear you say that.

No, I'm fine.

I'm here with you-know-who, and she's doing...

you-know-what.

Again. Yeah.

(laughing)

(groaning)

Where are the paramedics?

These contractions are too close to time.

Francis, this baby's going to be born any minute.

I want you to do something for me.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to deliver the baby.

What?

No.

You can do it.

You've done it before.

You deliver barn animals all the time.

You're not a barn animal.

Francis, your father isn't here;

you're the only person I trust.

You don't even like me.

But I love you, which is why

you're going to do this.

No! You can't make me!

Francis, your mother is asking for your help.

LOIS: Francis.

You can do this.

You know that you can.

Now, you're going to put your hands

inside of Mommy and take out

this baby!

Lois.

Oh, Lois.

I finally found you.

Oh, I missed the baby.

It's okay.

The baby is fine, Hal.

Honey, I'm the worst husband in the world.

I can't believe how terrible I am.

Oh...

I can't believe I made you go through this alone.

I wish I could have been there.

You were there, Hal.

I was?

We're a part of each other.

Wherever I go, you're there.

You are always with me.

I love you.

(monitor beeping rapidly)

(both moaning)

Oh, my God, what is that man doing?

What?

Get that sicko off of her.

What? Lois? Are you...?

Someone call the police.

MALCOLM: Dad!

Oh, my God!

What the hell are you doing?

(shrieks)

(Lois groans)

Can you see the head?

Not yet.

You're not even looking.

Is it starting to crown?

Uh... yes.

That's good. That's good.

God, I can't believe

I'm looking at... this.

I'm going to die.

If the head is completely crowning, it's okay to push.

(moaning)

If anyone calls, I'll be at your sister's.

(moaning)

No, don't worry. I'll let myself out.

Come on, Lois. Come on.

Ew!

Ew!

Ew!

(baby crying) Was that the...?

(gasps)

I got it. I got it.

Oh, my God.

I got it!

Yes!

It's here.

Put it on her chest.

Oh.

Hi, baby.

Hi.

(crying)

Hi, baby.

Oh, thank you, Francis.

This is the nicest thing you've ever done for me.

I am so proud of you.

You can go vomit now.

ABE: Way to go.

Here he comes. There he is.

(Francis gags, others murmur)

Well, is it

a boy or a girl?

It's a beautiful, healthy baby...

(siren blares)

ALL: Aw...

I knew it!

Oh, that's all right.

Hi there.

I'm your mommy.

Okay, so who's having the baby?

I told you we shouldn't have stopped for coffee.

(vibrating lips)

Oh, I've forgotten how small they are.

I forgot how good they smell.

LOIS: Yeah.

Okay, hand it over.

MALCOLM: It's 5:30.

It's time for the baby's sponge bath.

Look how full this diaper is.

When was the last time you changed it?

Have you at least come up with a name yet?

Yes. Jamie.

It fits.

We'll come back when your udders are ready.