Original subtitles

[crashing]

Oh, for God's sake, what was that?!

Wherever you are, whatever you've done,

don't think I won't find you.

♪ Life is unfair.

We're so glad Francis decided to come down for a visit.

It's been so long since we've seen him.

And you tagging along is an added bonus.

Well, making you happy makes me happy.

You know, I don't think that nursery

would ever get done without Francis' help.

Hal has this thing about heights.

I can't reach it.

Dad, you have to come up another rung.

[Hal whimpering]

My ears are popping!

So my doctor said I only have to wear

these special shoes for two more years.

Then I'm down to nights and weekends.

Great Scott! You got a letter

from Martindale Academy!

What's Martindale Academy?

It's the greatest,

most advanced private school in existence.

Do you know how many millions they've spent

to make sure you've never heard about it?

It says I've been accepted.

I didn't even apply.

No one applies. They find you.

This is unbelievable.

Malcolm, you're going to the show.

You're set for life!

Wait, what am I thinking?

You can't go. You're too poor.

You're like the poorest guy I know.

Oh, I'm such a jerk!

Here I am, describing this nirvana

you'll never be able to experience.

Holding out this hope of power and success

to a guy in a three-dollar shirt.

I mean, look at this hovel!

Lloyd, you have to stop talking.

It's okay to cry, Malcolm.

Tears are free.

Okay, everybody.

Just got back from the doctor

and everything's fine,

but baby's a little bit bigger than expected.

HAL: So, instead of having the baby in two weeks

like we thought, we're going

to induce labor on Thursday.

Thursday?!

This Thursday?!

You can't do that!

Oh, what difference does it make?

It's just six days sooner that our lives are over.

Hal.

And... our new, more fulfilling lives begin.

This stinks.

LOIS: I know this is being

sprung on you very suddenly,

and you all have a right to be a little upset.

A little?!Don't push it.

Hal, you know what? I've got an idea.

Why don't you take the boys

out tomorrow and do something fun?

I could use the time alone anyway

to straighten up the house before the baby comes.

I can help you clean.

Well, that'll take a little longer,

but I guess I could use the company.

HAL: Hey, there's a car show

at the convention center.

Yeah, let's spend the whole day

looking at cool things that we'll never get to own.

Oh, come on, Malcolm, if we only looked at stuff we could afford,

all we'd ever see is crap.

HAL: Don't be a party pooper.

It'll be great.

MALCOLM: "Festival of Brides"?

That's the lamest name for a car show I've ever heard.

No, the car show was here last week.

Let's get out of here.

No. I just dropped 15 bucks on parking.

We're going in.

I know it's your fifth child,

but still, you must be a little excited.

Well, sure, every child is exciting.

Not that you want to rush into something like that.

Oh!

Wow.

You okay?

The baby just started kicking like crazy.

It's almost like something was upsetting...

Mom!

Are you going to open the door

or should I lie down in the grass and feed the worms?

Oh, great.

Who opened the gates of hell?

Mom? This is a surprise.

What are you doing here?

I'm moving in.

What do you mean you're moving in?

You are family, you will take care of me.

This is ridiculous.

You have a condo.

It's nicer than this house.

It burned down.

Mother, you can't just...

How did your house burn down?

It was the villagers, wasn't it?

It's a mystery.

Why don't you go stay at Susan's?

She has four extra bedrooms and a satellite dish.

Your sister should stick her head in a can of beans!

What?!

She's always been your favorite.

She's the only one you called when Dad died.

She isn't my favorite anymore!

She called me bitter!

Then she hung up on me.

On me!

Or maybe I hung up on her.

Who remembers?

Either way, she should rot in hell.

Mother, we can't afford to put you up here.

You can afford a maid.

I'm not the maid, Ida.

My name is Piama.

I'm married to Francis.

Tell the help not to talk to me.

♪ Yahoo

♪ Celebrate good times, come on ♪

♪ It's a celebration...

I know I haven't been everywhere,

but I'm pretty sure

this is the most boring place on Earth.

What are you talking about, Reese?

Do you know what kind of craftsmanship

goes into these lace veils? Huh?

So, uh, Dad, I was wondering,

do you have any kind of savings put away?

[laughing hysterically]

[laughing, snorts]

Ooh, I'll have to tell your mother that one.

No, I'm serious.

What if something came up?

Like a big, unexpected expense?

Are you prepared for something like that?

Don't worry about that stuff, son.

Things have a way of taking care of themselves.

But... Come on.

You boys are young. You're at a bridal expo.

You should be having the time of your lives.

Dewey?

Dewey?

What are those wires for?

You see that big spotlight up there?

I'm in charge of that puppy.

You like it?

I really do.

I'd like to tell you a little story.

FRANCIS [sotto voce]: Are you going to let her

get away with this?

You are, aren't you?

She's my mother.

You know the way I am around her.

Okay, if that's what you want.

That woman being one of

the first people your new baby sees

when it comes into this world.

Smiling down at it,

cradling it in her arms.

You're right. She's got to go.

LOIS: Mom.

There's something important that I have to tell you.

What is it?

You are a horrible mother!

You've always been a horrible mother!

My whole childhood

you'd bully me and ignore me

and trivialize my feelings

and do nothing but heap praise

on my sister until I felt like I was worthless in comparison!

Well, now she's worthless.

I've got a right to change my mind.

But just because your sister disgusts me more than you do

doesn't give you the right to talk to me like this!

I will talk to you any damn way I want, you hateful old woman!

You are leaving!

Wow! I don't know how

I finally summoned the strength to do that,

but it feels great!

Now I'm not asking you, I'm telling you!

Get out of my house!

No.

What?

You heard me. I said "no."

What do you mean, "no"?

You don't have any choice.

What are you going to do?

Pick me up and throw me out?

Are you going to toss an old woman out into the street?

In front of your neighbors?

Sounds good to me.

Whoa! You brought this on yourself,

you old monster.

You have no idea how good this makes me...

[yelps]

[gasping]

[playing "Celebration"]

Attention, ladies and gentlemen.

It's your "clucky" day.

Chicken dance lessons are being given every ten minutes

at the Fielding Dance Academy pavilion.

Excuse me.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Hey, can you get me a piece with a flower?

I'm talking to an actual customer right now.

I'm a customer.

Yeah? Are you getting married?

Why, does somebody like me?

Hey, what are you, about five-seven?Yeah.

Perfect. I own a tux shop.

One of my models didn't show up.

I'll give you 20 bucks if you walk around

the floor in a tux and pass out my card.Buzz off.

20 bucks? He'll do it.

Need anybody in my size?

It's very simple.

You just walk up to somebody, get down on one knee,

hand them one of my cards and say,

"I propose that you get your tuxedo from Wojodubakowski's."

No problem.

♪ Everyone around the world, come on ♪

I think the accordion is really underrated.

Yes! Yes, it is!

♪ Yahoo!

What are you doing today at 3:16?

Hey, sir, how about some cake?

Sure.

Can I have a piece with the flower?

No. You get one with a flower and a little lemon bee on it.

Mom, wake up.

Take the children.

Just let me live.

Remember, I didn't want to do this.

Do what?[knocking]

That's the police. You see what you've driven me to?

I've actually called the police on my own mother.

They're here to cart you away.

How could you do this to me?!

After everything I've done for you?

We're family, for God's sake!

Good. You're here.

That's them. Get 'em out of here.

What?!

They've been stealing from me.

I want them out of my house.

Wait a minute.

No, this is my house!

Folks, let's just slow down.

I have the deed. It's in the safety deposit box

at the Valley Federal Bank.

Number 24866. You can check.

No! I have the deed!

It's, uh, yeah, uh...

It's in a shoe box.

It's under-under my bed...

Well, I don't know where it is, but this is my house!

You devious, ungrateful girl!

She's done nothing but lie

since the day I took her in.

And her big boyfriend

thinks he's so tough.

How tough is it to hit an old woman.

[sobbing]

You... dirty old...!

This is what she does.

You have to stop her.

You have to stop her!

As I was saying, she is a very clever woman,

and if you knew her as I do,

you too would be suspicious of her story.

And on Monday, when the bank opens,

whoever actually has the deed can go get it.

Then you apply for a court order

and the whole thing should be straightened out

in six to eight months.

You can get up now, sir.

[grunting]

And if you hurt a single hair

on that old lady's head, I'll be back.

Off duty.

Pass the rolls.

You think that bothers me?

Guess why your soup tasted different

when you came back from bathroom.

Ugh.

There has to be some way to get rid of her.

Well, we know she doesn't burn.

Let's just face it. We're stuck with her.

You can't give up.

You can totally do this.

I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do.

She's too powerful.

Every monster has its weakness.

Frankenstein has fire.

Dracula, the cross.

There has to be something that Grandma's afraid of.

So, what would you like me to do for you?

Well, it's, uh...

[laughs]

It's kind of hard to say,

Abe, um...

It-it has to do with my mother.

Oh, I know about mothers. Every time

mine comes over to Sunday dinner,

she always brings that pecan pie

with real whipped cream.

And she knows that's my one weakness.

Our grandma's kind of like that.

Except she's a wrinkled sack of hatred

kept alive only by the will to destroy.

We just want her out of the house,

and she refuses to leave.

[laughing]: And I have this idea.

You see,

she's a horrible bigot.

I mean, she's

terrified of...

black people.

Oh.

What do you want me to...?

Oh. Oh-oh, I see.

B-Because I'm...

Well, you want me to...

Well, I-I suppose I...

Really?

I'd do it, but I'm not dark enough.

I just annoy her.

[string quartet playing "Celebration"]

And then Isaid,

"Orange you glad I didn't say 'banana'?"

[laughter]

Hey.

I found these in the trash.

Can we discuss this later?

I'm with friends.

Give me the tux.

What?

Thank you. No!

I like this tux. It's mine.

It's not yours. Now give it back, or I'll call security.

Hey, I'm over there!

Hey... you...

Hey!

Tell me which one you like.

And be honest.

Dad, I just want to know.

Do you have any kind of financial plan at all?

Any plan about anything?

Malcolm, I'm telling you for the last time,

stop worrying about money.

Hey, I do your taxes. I know what you and Mom make.

I know how much you're spending,

and I have a pretty good idea what it costs to have a baby.

You guys are going to be at least 70 bucks

in the hole every month.

By the time the baby starts school,

you're going to be $18,000 in debt,

and that's where they'll cut you off.

You're going to be bankrupt and ruined.

Something will come up.

You can't keep saying that.

Fine. I'm a failure as a father.

I'm a terrible provider.

Is that what you want to hear?

No.

But I have a way to fix it.

What's this?

It's from the Martindale Academy.

It's this amazing prep school...

but it's in London.

They're offering me a complete scholarship.

Tuition, housing,

everything.

If I'm not home...

you just might make it.

I'm totally willing to do it.

Absolutely not.

You don't get to leave.

But you...Malcolm, you're our only hope.

Hold this.Sure.

Now let me explain something to you.

Whenever your mother or I say

"Something will come up" or "Things will work out,"

that is our code for "Malcolm will think of something."

But...We need you.

The family is only a family

as long as we all stick together.

Where's Dewey?

[dramatic accordion music plays]

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll please

turn your attention to the man with the balloon,

and listen to the following

heart-wrenching story.

Hello. My name is Dewey.

And the man with the balloon is my father, Hal.

Dewey?

Where are you?

See,

I'm the youngest of four kids,

and I always get the short end of everything.

I've never had a hot shower or a bed to myself.

I'm the third person to wear this underwear.

And yet, I've never complained.

Dewey, what is this about?!

Even when my parents decided to have another baby.

I was happy to share

what little I have.

And then they told me they're inducing labor.

And they picked a really interesting day to do it.

Do you remember what day you picked, Dad?

Dewey!

What day did you pick, Dad?

It's Thursday.

Just come down from... wherever you are.

Of all the days you could have picked,

you chose this Thursday.

Anything interesting about Thursday, Dad?

Will you stop this?

Anything at all you can think of

that might be happening this Thursday?

Okay, Dewey, what is the big deal about Thursday?

[echoing]: It's my birthday.

[gasping]

It is not your...

Oh, God!

Well, ladies and gentleman...

that's the story of the little boy

who lost his birthday.

If you have any thoughts or comments,

my dad would love to hear them.

This would be a good time

for one of those ideas we were talking about.

I've got nothing.

LOIS: Thank you so much for coming over.

I know this is a little weird.

Actually, I'm kind of excited.

This is kind of like

when I did Spoon River Anthology in college.

Do we have to hear that story again?

We sold out both shows.

Four pillows on one bed.

This is why you can't feed your children.

[choking gurgle]

Oh, hi, Mom.

I'd like you to meet some of our friends.

This is Brian and this is Abe.

Nice to meet you, ma'am.

If you'll

excuse me.

I need to use...

your toilet.

I've been telling Abe

all about you.

Welcome...

to da... hood... yo, yo.

Gettin' all jiggly with it.

Representin'.

Uh... uh...

Can't touch this.

Abe? Huh?

[quietly]: Chill.

Hello.

Everybody decent?

I used my spare key to get in.

I hope you don't mind.

That's why you have it.

So you can come over

anytime you want.

Mom, these are our neighbors.

Steve lives next door.

Malik is on the other side.

And Trey lives across the street.

[laughs] Why, Lois, you make it sound

like you're... surrounded.

Allow me.

Well, hello.

And who is this fine lady?

So what you doing

later on?

'Cause I like that wagon

you draggin'.

[screaming]

[laughter]

Mom, where are you going?

I can't believe you live like this.

I would rather sleep in a bus station

or a Dumpster.

Well, there's obviously

nothing I can do to change your mind,

but I'm heartbroken.

You only just got here. I...

What's wrong with you?

Nothing.

Everything is perfectly fine.

Francis,

you have to listen very carefully.

God, I'm having a contraction.

I'm going into labor.What?

I have to get to the hospital,

and you have got to get your grandmother out of here now.

[footsteps approaching]

Come on, Ida. Let me help you.

Don't you have rain dance to do?

Bye, Mom.

Great to see you.

Have a safe trip.

Don't forget to call us whenever you get to...

wherever...

[water splashing on floor]

[all gasp]

Maybe I'll stay few more minutes.

[suitcases thud on floor]

Well, Dewey, I hope you're happy.

I thought I would be, but not thismuch.

Let's find Reese and get out of here.

Why is my cell phone off?

68 messages?!

ABE: The contraction started

at 3:27.

Oh, this one can tell time.

[phone rings]

Hello.

Oh, hello, Hal.

Oh, no, I'm fine.

Now, honey,

I don't want you to get too excited,

but I think you should come home now,

because, I'm... well, I'm...

[laughs]: I'm having the baby.

What?!

O... kay.

Well, just... stay calm, too.

Yeah, getting worked up will only accelerate things.

Just relax.

Do your breathing.

[laughs]

Where the hell is Reese?What's wrong?

Your mom is having the baby now.

See? Was that so hard?

Now, Hal, I don't want you to panic.

You drive safely.

There's no reason to rush.

Rush? Come on. You know me better than that.

Find your brother!

So, I'm just going to make myself some tea

and relax until you get here.

Good idea.

You know, chamomile always relaxes me.

Reese! Damn it, Reese, where are you?!

I'm thinking of taking Sixth Street home.

You want me to stop and pick up some ice cream?

Reese!Where are you?

[muffled]: Over here. Reese?!

I'm inside the giant violin case.

Damn it! Get him out of there.

So, is that a yes on the ice cream?

No, I'm fine.

Just come on home... carefully.

Oh.Sure thing.

Honey, can you hold on a second?

Ow!

[grunts]

Hey, what are you doing?

Boys, run!

The boys send their love, too.

Hey! Hey, you come back here!

Your kid ran off with my $600 tuxedo!

So, we're just pulling out of the garage right now.

Got it on the oldies station.

They're doing a Beatles "A" to "Z."

Can you think of a Beatles song that starts with "Z"?

'Cause, frankly, I can't.

Hal...

You sound funny. Is everything okay?

Yeah, just turning onto Maple.

[whimpers]

Hey, the gas station by the church

stopped selling diesel.

REESE: Ow!

Shotgun!

[grunts]

Wow, honey, you wouldn't believe the huge pothole

we just went over.

Let's go, Dad!

Oh! I can't find the keys!

Keys?

Where the hell are the keys?!

REESE: I got 'em.

Now let's go!

[gasps]

Hal?

Honey, can I call you back?