Original subtitles

Hal, I'm leaving a sandwich here for you.Thanks, honey.

Wow.

That was quick.

You must have been really hungry.

♪ Yes, no, maybe

♪ I don't know

♪ Can you repeat the question?

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ Life is unfair.

Come on, boys, breakfast! Let's go!

You're going to be late! Hal, look what you're doing.

Oh, for God's sake!

[groans]

My last good tie.

No. I just bought you a whole 12-pack.

Well, I went through it!

Mom!

Oh, for the love of Pete!

Reese blew his nose on my shirt!

Because Dewey put his dirty underwear on my pillow!

MALCOLM: And one of them used

my graphing calculator to smash open a juice box!

Everybody just shut up!

Your mother is nine months pregnant.

She's stressed out enough as it is!

She doesn't need all this screaming!

All right, you know what?

I know how to solve this.

We're only going to be gone for two days.

We're going to have at least one weekend

before this baby's born where we get some peace and quiet.

Without us?

You know the plan?

As soon as you leave,

I put Reese on a bus

to his grandma in Canada.

After school, I take Malcolm over to Stevie's.

And Dewey stays with me.

Looks like you're the lucky winner.

Why are you splitting us up?

Because this is the only way

the judge would let us leave town.

Have fun in school today, suckers.

I'll send you

a postcard from Whitehorse.

Reese, figure it out.

It takes 26 hours to get there and 26 hours back.

Your backpack is full of food, and no one ever called Grandma.

Wait a minute.

I'm spending the entire weekend on this bus?

[sighs]

I'm so glad we're finally here.

I can't believe you made me walk that extra 150 yards.

Trust me, valet parking--

even complimentary valet parking-- is a scam.

Welcome to Lovebirds, a couples resort.

Wow.

Hi. We have a reservation.

Could we get to our room quickly?

I really have to use the bathroom.

Again.

I'm sorry, but the room

we were holding for you

is no longer available.

You gave away our room?

I'm sorry, sir. You were four hours late,

and you didn't call.

But it's my wife.

We have to stop every ten miles

because she has to pee all the time.

I do not have to pee all the time.

Don't worry. I think we can find you something.

I don't know if you've read our brochures,

but this is sort of a romantic hideaway for couples.

We know what it is.

Let me see what I can do.

I have to get off my feet.

Angela...

Yes, Warren? Yes?

[sighs]

I am so sorry.

I just had to sit down.

Don't... don't mind me.

You mind if we turn off that fireplace?

I'm sweating like a pig.

[sighs]

Well, little man, you and I have quite

the fun-filled weekend ahead of us.

Tomorrow morning, there's jazz at the Farmer's Market.

Then Lifetime is having an intimate portrait

of Sandy Bullock.

And tomorrow night, there's Improv in the Park

with a political bent.

Sound fun?

I think I just want to play.

Play? Well, sure,

we could squeeze in some play, I guess.

Why don't you go ahead and get that started?

No, I mean play together.What do you mean?

We can play fort.

Ooh, I don't have Fort.

I have Clue,

but it's a collector's edition, unopened.

If you want, I can show you a picture of it.

No. You don't have to havefort. You just do it.

Didn't you ever play fort with your friends

when you were a kid?

Of course I played.

I had friends, plenty of friends.

And you're short.

Come on. I'll show you.

Hello, ma'am.

This is Mel Jenkins with Transway Bus Lines.

I don't know how to tell you this.

I was keeping an eye on your son for you, like you asked,

but when we got out on the interstate,

he went into the bathroom, and...

Well, he must have jumped out the window while we were moving.

I'd gone 60 miles before I noticed.

REESE: What?!

How could you do this to my favorite son?

The only one I ever loved

is now lying

in a ditch somewhere.

Well, I'd better call the coffin store.

Good-bye.

I knew it!

I knew if I came back I'd catch you here.

You can't be trusted for five seconds,

let alone a whole weekend.

Okay, look, just don't tell...

Wait a minute.

What are youdoing here?

Me? I'm here to...

guard the house from your bad things you're doing.

What's in the bag?

Candles...

chocolate-covered strawberries...

Sleepless in Seattle.

My God, you're gay.

No, I'm not.

Look, I don't know how I did it,

but I talked Kathy McCulskey into coming over tonight.

Kathy McCulskey?

I'm impressed.

She doesn't leave her house

for anything less than second base.

Which is exactly why we need the house to ourselves.

I'm sorry, Malcolm. I'm already committed to this party.

Reese, you've seen enough teenage movies

to know how badly this is going to turn out.

I haven't just seen them, I've studied them.

And I found the fatal flaw.

In every one of those movies,

the party was on a Saturday night.

Mine? Friday.

This gives me an extra day

to refill the pool, replace the crystal thing,

turn back the odometer,

and get the dead bodies back in the ground.

Please don't do this to me.

Tell you what, Malcolm.

I'll try and keep the front room closet

off limits as long as I can.

I thought we reserved a deluxe suite.

No, ma'am.

This is the Petite Sleeper.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Why do they bother giving you a confirmation number

if they're just going to give your room away anyway?

Don't be mad at them.

It's not their fault.

Oh, yeah, so it's my fault.

I didn't say that.

Well, at least we have a great view

of the parking lot from here.

At home, I have to crane my neck to see our car.

Look, you know what?

The room is what it is.

So we just have to try to make the best of it.

We're here. We have a little time to ourselves.

Let's find a way to enjoy it, hmm?

I have to pee.

Of course you do.

Oh, perfect.

They promised us a heart-shaped tub.

We got a tub-shaped tub.

For the love of God, will you take a break?

I know you're pregnant.

I know you're uncomfortable.

I know you're swollen and puffy and distended

and inflated, but you've just got to stop complaining.

Well, I'm sorry I'm such a burden.

In another three weeks,

you won't ever have to suffer through this again.

Well, we don't know that.

What did you say?

I said,

I'd move the car.

No, you said,

we don't know that, but, Hal...

Hal, we do know that,

because you had a vasectomy.

Yes, I did.

Oh, my God, you didn't do it!

You lied to me.

Just a little.

Hal, you sat with an ice pack

on your crotch for three days.

Well, that should count for something.

Hal, we talked about this.

We agreed on this.

No, youagreed on it!

I never wanted a vasectomy.

There are plenty of other methods out there.

Oh, yeah, they work.

We've got our rhythm method child,

our diaphragm child, our condom child.

Oh, yes, and our two abstinence children.

Lois, you just don't understand

how extraordinarily precious those parts are to me.

Precious?! Hal, give me a break.

You're not that guy.

You've never been that guy.

When it comes to this, every guy is that guy.

C-4.

Hit.

E-4.

Hit.

Hey, you guys want to come

to a party at my house?

It's going to be amazing.

My parents are gone for the whole weekend.

The whole weekend?

You heard me.

48 hours, totally unsupervised.

Anything goes.

Total freedom, man.

Interesting.

This'll do.

What's this junk?

What is going on?

Okay, here's what's going to happen.

We have some private business to conduct.

This is now our garage

for the next 48 hours.

You don't come near it. You don't ask about it.

We get out before your parents come back.

They never have to find out

that you're the one who invited us.

What the hell are you guys doing?

You know, he just

explained it really well,

but all I could hear was my own heartbeat.

Reese, that stuff is...

See, that's you guys talking,

and that doesn't work for me.

Now, can I trust that you guys

won't talk, or am I going

to have to remove something

to make it physically impossible?

["Beautiful Dreamer" playing]

And that is not the worst part

of the operation.

Once they split open your coin purse,

they pull out the vas deferens,

put it on the table and... chop!

And they don't always get it

on the first chop, either.

Chop, chop, chop!

Can I get you guys another drink?

Set us up, will you?

[heavy metal blaring]

It's been three hours

since these guys took over our house.

So far, there's been a few fires,

I've had a bottle thrown at me

and I've even been threatened with death.

On the other hand,

they haven't stopped raving about Reese's bean dip.

So the evening could go either way.

Did Fast Eddie like his salmon?

In about an hour I'm gonna need

you guys to dump a 50-gallon drum of...

stuff. Do it quick,

don't draw attention to yourselves,

and don't breathe in when you're doing it.

Look, it's one thing to ask us

to stay out of your business,

but when you try to involve us...

Okay.

Hey, Donnie, the soufflés are almost up.

Hmm.[doorbell rings]

Who the hell is that?

I don't know. It's... Oh, no.

Who ordered the girl?

Not me.I didn't do it.

Kathy, hi.

Hey.

You didn't tell me there were going to be other guys here.

Yeah, well... Just 'cause you read something

on a bathroom wall doesn't mean it's true.

No. Look, these are cousins of mine.

You know, friend cousins.

They dropped in unexpectedly.

So, you know, right now isn't a good time.

Obviously not.

We could still do the dinner and talking part.

God.

Yeah, man, show some class.

Thank you.

Kathy, listen, you have to trust me on this one.

Hey, bring your girlfriend in here.

Yeah.[laughter]

♪

...98, 99, 100.

Ready or not, here I come.

[snickering]

There you are.

[sobbing]

What's wrong?

No one ever found me before.

It's because you're such a good hider.

Yeah, that's probably it.

Just put it anywhere.

We had a hard time finding this old girl.

You can imagine we don't get much call for it,

this being a couples resort and all.

Uh-huh.

Not sure I even know

how to operate the dang thing.

I'm sure you'll figure it out.

My gosh, I've been here for over 30 years

and I ain't never done this before.

We see all kind of couples here,

but I've never seen...

Thank you. I'll finish this.

Fine by me.

I've got to go up to Room 318

and fill the bathtub with rose petals.

[laughter and cheering]

Arm. Five points for Chuck.

Oh! Crotch again.

15 points. Nice shot, Randy.

Chuck, Randy, we got to put in the catalyst.

Okay, we can finish this game later.

Don't sit down, Chuck.

You're still in this.

I think it's a party again.

Are you kidding me?

This is a hostage situation.No.

Reese, haven't you ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome?

You're starting to identify with your captors.

What captors?

These guys saved my life, man.

Because they decided not to kill you.

Same thing.

They made us accessories to some kind of felony.

They're setting up a decontamination shower

in front of the garage.

And poor Kathy must have been completely traumatized.

Where'd she go anyway?

I'm never going to forgive myself

for dragging her into this.

We have to do something.

You've got to relax, Malcolm.

Some of these guys are really nice.

Have you had Big Wanda tell you your fortune?

Look, we can't handle this ourselves.

We don't know how to deal

with a whole bunch of low-life criminals.

We need help.

You guys did the right thing by calling me.

Sorry to drag you out here all the way from the ranch.

This shouldn't take long.

They all in there?

Yeah, well, one of them's

in the bedroom with Kathy.

Who's Kathy?

My date.

Dude.

What are you going to do?

How are you going to get them out?

Whoa, whoa, slow down.

You got to think these things through.

We're going to handle this real delicately.

When you're dealing with a complex

psychological situation, you have to remember

there's a lot of subtle machinations

that come into play.

Donnie?

Francis? What are youdoing here?

I heard you were in Alaska.

No, I'm working

at a ranch now. How you doing?

You still hanging out at Kelsey's?

No. They went karaoke.

Oh, this town.

So listen, this is my parents' house.

These are my brothers.

I know you didn't know that,

but when you and your buddies took over the place,

you kind of freaked them out a little bit.

Oh.

So, maybe you want to take this someplace else.

Yeah, you know what?

That just sounds like it's going to be hard, so... no.

Hey, look, dude I know you don't want me

to get the cops over here, do you?

And I'm sure you wouldn't want me

to tell them who pulled over the water tower.

That was you, Francis.

Really?

Well, then maybe I should tell them

about the highway overpass.

That was also you.

Car wash? The sinkhole?

All you.

Huh.

Um, okay, well, you guys sit tight

and we'll be in the house.

If that's okay.

Well, I think we gave 'em enough to think about.

Hal.

I thought I saw a spider.

You want to just cut our losses and check out in the morning?

I guess.

Should we still do the Afterglow Breakfast?

Well... we gotta eat.

Are you sure I'm not too old for Winky Dinks?

The box says "For ages eight and up."

Well, I'm right smack-dab

in the middle of that window.

[chuckling]

What the hell is this?

Shh.

We just got them to go to sleep.

You boys aren't even supposed to be here

and you're throwing

a coed slumber party?

Who's the fat chick?

Okay, that's it. I want everybody out of here! Pronto!

Hey! No one tells uswhat to do.That's right.

Craig, you might want...

None of your excuses!

You and your little friends

are in a boatload of trouble.

[screaming]

[wild laughter]

[screaming]

[crying]

Let's just go back to Craig's apartment

and wait it out till Sunday.

We can't just leave him here!

Dewey, there's a principle I learned in military school.

The needs of the many outweigh the needs

of the guy who can't run fast.

No! We face-painted each other.

I'm not leaving him here.

Dewey, there's nothing we can do.

Not the crevice tool!

[sobbing]

I know what to do.

Seven minutes till checkout.

Do you have the soap, the sewing kit

and the stationery?

Got 'em. I also got the shampoos

and the shoe cloth.

I couldn't find the shower caps.

I got 'em.Good.

Are you coming?

No. This is ridiculous.

We came all this way

to have one relaxing, romantic weekend

and, and we're more tense than when we left the house.

Well, there's nothing we can do about it now.

Yes, there is.

We've got seven minutes left.

We paid for it. We're going to use it.

How?

By doing one nice thing for each other before we go.

And we'd better make it good,

because we're not going

to have another chance at it for 18 years.

Well... I suppose I could be persuaded to make a gesture.

Will you rub my feet?

I would love to rub your feet.

[chuckles]

What can I do for you?

Please leave my balls alone.

Okay.

Mmm...

[knocking]

ANDY: Sir? Ma'am?

Checkout was two hours ago, and we really do need the room.

[knocking]

Hello?!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

I think it would be best if you left... now.

That's what you think, huh?

[all laugh]

[nervous, high-pitched laugh]

Yeah, that's what I think.

Well, I think we're going to take a pass on that.

Okay, Donnie.

Just remember, you drove me to this.

Really? What exactly did we just drive you to?

I told.

[laughter and oohing]

Oh, you told.

[mock laughter]

I called your moms and I told on you.

You called my mommy, hmm?

WOMAN: Donnie?!

Mom?

What-what are you doing here?

Trying to hide how ashamed I am at your behavior

and wondering where I went wrong.

Ma, come on.

Your father and I tried to give you

the best life possible,

and this is how we're paid back?

Ma, you don't own me.

I make my own decisions now.

Theseare the decisions you make?

Thisis the life you choose?!

Who's covering your shift

at the suit outlet?

Dude...

you are sobusted.

WOMAN 2: Don't you be so smug,

David Alan Ferguson.

Believe me, every one of your stepfathers

is going to hear about this.

WOMAN 1: You say good-bye to your friends

and you get in the car... right now!

Yeah, see you later.Uh, bye.

I forgot how good it feels to tell.

MALCOLM: Yeah, everything was fine.

You know,

kind of boring.

Quiet, boring.

Fun, but boring.

Look who I picked up from the bus station

after not having seen him

since I dropped him off.

Canada was wonderful.

I brought bananas back for everybody.

Do you really want to know?

Not really. No.