Original subtitles

(snoring)

No fair. He moved.

Too bad.

You've got H-O-R-S.

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

Does this chip look funny to you?

Nope. It's fine.

Ha, ha. You took the last one.

You have to refill it.

Oh, darn it.

(laughs)

Oh, great.

It's an ant.

I know.

I saw him before.

No, Dewey, you don't understand.

This one's the scout.

If he finds anything appetizing,

soon there'll be lots and lots of ants.

Which is why I'm about to make sure

that this scout doesn't report back to headquarters.

LOIS: Dewey, bedtime!

Ready, Dad?

Bedtime express.

Oh... yeah.

Just give me a second here to...

Hidey-ho! Oh!

And away we go!

Giddy-up, Dad! (whinnies)

(grunts)

Turn, horsey, turn! (whinnies)

I got the nicest dress for the school formal.

It's satiny and long,

and-and what's that color between pink and purple?

Mauve.

Oh, sorry.

Isn't she cute when she gets excited?

Her cheeks get all red,

and then she gets a little twinkle in her eye.

I've got to tell you, I'm a lucky guy.

So you're really going to spring

for a limo and tux and all that?

Hell, no. We're not going to that dance.

It would practically wipe out my leather jacket fund.

What are you talking about?

I've got it all worked out.

I let her think we're going,

and then right before the dance, I pick a giant fight.

She gets so mad at me, she doesn't want to go,

and then the next day,

I apologize, she takes me back,

and it's smooth sailing until her birthday.

MAN: Malcolm!

Where have you been?

I called an emergency study session.

What? We just had an emergency study session last night.

This is the Academic Octathlon.

We are pitted against the brightest minds

from every high school in the country.

From now on, we will work through lunch every day.

I thought this was supposed to be fun.

Fun... is for losers.

We're all making sacrifices, Malcolm.

I've had to blow off my cello lessons.

I missed my uncle's funeral.

I've been tanking my grades for the past three months

so I could be our team's mandatory "C" student.

(grunts loudly)

That food is not there for you to eat,

it is there so I don't get into trouble for making you work

through lunch. Now focus!

Why can't I quit?

This is stupid!

Extracurriculars are very important.

You think you can coast into college on straight A's?

Well, you can't.

Besides, this is a good opportunity

to meet other smart kids.

You're never too young to start making contacts.

Yeah, make friends for life at a nerdfest.

It's not nerdy to spend a weekend

winning a trophy that shows how smart you are!

Well, you're doing it anyway.

Oh, geez, not the cabinets, too.

Honey, where did I put the ant spray?

Hey, Dad, time for bedtime express.

Uh, yeah.

Dewey, look, I-I want to talk to you.

Uh, you're getting bigger,

and-and there's a lot of great things

about being a big boy,

but big boys don't get to do bedtime express,

because it hurts Daddy, so even though it's fun,

we're not going to do bedtime express anymore.

Okay.

Oh, good.

Then I won't love you anymore.

What?

I won't love you anymore.

Dewey, you can't just say something like that

because you're upset.

I'm sorry, but I can't help the way I feel.

Good night, Dad.

Reese, did you get your tux yet?

Uh, the dance is in two days.

Of course I got my tux.

Good. Hey, look at this.

It's my dress.

Isn't it amazing?

Are you sure this is going to fit because...

you're so fat.

(laughs)

Oh, you're such a goofball sometimes.

Anyway, I really like these bows.

Maybe I should get matching shoes,

but I don't want it to look too outfit-y.

Hey, honey,

you won't believe the day I had.

I had a pretty interesting day, too.

I had to wear these

filthy clothes to work

because you forgot to pick up the dry cleaning again.

For crying out loud,

I just got off a 12-hour shift.

The last thing I need is for you to...

You know what?

Let's not do this.

Do what?

Fight.

We argue way too much.

You're right.

Why can't we just both shut up for once

and give ourselves time to be in love with each other?

Let's just... not talk about it.

I am having the best time with Piama today.

It's like every moment was perfect,

and-and seemed to blend perfectly

into the next perfect moment.

I have had 25 years of days like that

with my Gretchen.

I heard that, schminky pants.

I will save this for later.

(laughs)

See, when marriage works, there is nothing like it.

Now let me ask you something.

You and Gretchen--

you never argue about chores, right?

Like, if there's an errand to be run,

you do it, she does it, who cares?

I never really thought about it.

I am sick and tired of doing all of these chores!

Ooh!

I work hard all day!

I work like a dog, and you don't appreciate it!

You just spend money on whatever you want!

I spend?!

You spend money

like we have a key to the mint or someplace!

* The square root of 8,649 bottles *

* Of non-alcoholic beer on the wall *

* The square root of 8,649 bottles... *

(inhales) * Beer

* Take one down, pass it around *

* The square root of 8,464 bottles *

* Of non-alcoholic beer on the wall... *

In case you're wondering, they're only at 92 bottles.

Octathletes, I have news.

One of my informers has just reported to me

that the science portion of this competition will be

based on organic chemistry, so break out your textbooks.

We'll start with chapters 23, 24,

42, 44, 45...

Sir?

I'm supposed to take a two-hour nap on the bus,

or I'll get cranky.

Of course. Would you like us all

to sing you a lullaby, or perhaps,

I could wad up my jacket and make a pillow for you?

I have my own pillow, thank you.

I just need some help blowing it up.

I've had it with this bellyaching!

If any of you are not fully committed to this team,

you are more than welcome to get off the bus right now.

Driver, open the doors.

(bus slows down)

I did not say stop.

I said open the doors.

That silly fighting.

Let us never do that again.

That is not us.

No.

I don't know what came over me.

Oh, me, neither, hmm?

We will never speak of this again, hmm?

Of what?

See, I already forgot it.

(laughing)

Here...

Here you are. Oh, thank you.

I am sure you two

will be very happy here.

We could be happy anywhere.

Aw.

Let me ask you something.

I do plenty of chores, okay?! Yeah, right!

You may not realize it,

because you're out throwing our money away!

Oh, here we go! By the way,

are we actually going to have sex on this vacation,

or is it going to be St. Croix all over again?!

(grunts)

I've got to get a stronger spray!

Dewey, I'm going to the hardware store.

I'll be back soon. Love you.

That's nice.

Okay, this is crazy.

You can't not love me

just because I won't give you bedtime rides.

Yes, I can.

(laughs)

Oh, this is not going to work, mister.

I know you love me.

I like you.

And that's it?

I think you're a nice man.

Fine. You know what?

Maybe you need to spend some time in your room

and think about this a while, okay?

As of right now, you are grounded!

Okay.

And then tomorrow...

I'm going to buy you a brand-new bicycle.

It's not going to change anything.

Food fight!

What the hell are you doing?!

Come on! It's a food fight.

No, it's not.

You're just throwing egg salad at me.

Yeah, 'cause that's the kind of thing I think is fun.

You are such a jerk!

That's it!

I don't ever want to see you again.

Until the dance!

Here it is, children.

The battlefield.

Get comfortable with it.

Make it your own.

I'm getting a panic rash over my homesick rash.

Suck it up, people.

Tomorrow is the finals.

Now, do you see that air conditioning vent?

Jefferson High has three asthmatics on their team.

If we could just get them to sit directly beneath...

Mr. Baffert. Oh, you've done it again.

What a stellar job at organizing...

Don't suck up, Lionel.

It's pathetic.

Don't worry, sir.

We were ready to grab your ankles

if you got too far up there.

Hey, Herkabe.

Surprised to see you and your band of bed-wetters

had the guts to show up.

Oh, look, it's North High.

Nous les nourrirons leurs propres entrailles

et fait les demande plus.

(laughter)

Oh, my God.

They brought in Rubinger from Minnesota.

Who? IBM's been studying him.

Rumor has it he was a Siamese twin

that got both brains.

Walk with me.

You see those little freaks over there

that you call friends now?

They need to win here

so they can get into one of the top colleges

because that's the only way

they're going to become successful enough

so that people don't beat them up every day

for the rest of their lives.

Now, are you going to deny them that?

I'll try my best.

Good. Now, the judges

will spot Morse code easily,

so I've developed this rudimentary fingertip semaphore.

Memorize this.

You want me to cheat?

Let's call it...

success advantaging.

Forget it. I'm not going to cheat.

Guys...

Guys, you're not going to believe this.

Herkabe actually wants us to cheat.

What? That isn't right!

Yeah, he's not supposed to write it down.

That's a paper trail.

You guys are in on this?

Malcolm, you have no idea.

This is big.

This goes further than you know.

Further than you guys?

Oh.

Then you do know.

Are you in... or are you...

out?

MAN: Hey! Hey!

I'm the one who has to fix that if you break it.

Sorry. You work here?

My dad's the manager.

You know, for a bunch of dweebs,

you guys sure cause a lot of trouble.

I can't believe you put on SPF45.

It's an indoor pool.

But we have to cross through the courtyard to get there.

How can you be around them for more than ten seconds

and not want to deck one?

Trust me, it's not that satisfying.

Plus, some of them are my friends.

Were my friends.

No, still are.

I'm just not happy about it.

What would you do if your friends

wanted you to do something you didn't want to do?

Not do it. Yeah, but see, that won't work.

Because even if I don't, they're going to do it anyway.

And that makes me a part of it, whether I do it or not,

so there's no way out.

Um, there's probably some kind of obvious smart-guy reason

I'm missing here, but... can't you just leave?

Reese! How many times have I told you?

No ice cream in the living room.

You're dripping all over the rug!

Are you crazy?!

No, just extremely disrespectful.

I mean, what are you going to do

with a kid like me? Ground me?

You bet I am.

One week in your room.

No TV, no video games,

no contact with the outside world.

After you take Alison to the dance.

What?!

Reese, you made a promise

to that girl and you are going to keep it.

But... how did you...?

Look, Reese, some people are born book-smart.

Others are born crafty and street-smart.

You, I'm afraid, are neither.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Mom, come get me.

Look, I have to get out of here.

I'm leaving either way.

If you're not here within the next three hours,

you can find me walking on the highway, in the dark.

Or maybe I'll hitchhike.

You know, I met this guy with a van.

He seemed real friendly.

(arguing in Spanish)

I cannot wait until I am old and senile.

I'm going to be

hooked up to life support in your attic

running you ragged with crazy old person demands.

I am going to cling to life for years

just to make you suffer.

Fine. But I'm not staying here.

That son of a...

Stop the car!

What? Stop!

(tires screech)

I'm staying.

I will not be played like that!

You can punish me when I get home.

Deal.

All right, this has gone far enough.

Now, I will walk you to your room,

I will roll you to your room,

I will race you to your room,

but you are too big to give bedtime rides to.

If you say so.

I say so.

Now, as your father,

I am ordering you to say, "I love you."

I love you.

Now say it in a convincing manner.

I love you.

Now say it without me telling you to.

Is this going to take long?

'Cause I was going to get a soda.

Unless I'm too big to drink soda.

Just go.

Oh, for crying out loud.

These things are everywhere!

I don't know, Malcolm.

This seems like a very drastic escalation.

You want to cheat, right?

Since this is just a big cheating contest,

I say we out-cheat everyone else.

Why do I have to be the one who does this?

'Cause you look the most pathetic in a bathing suit.

I do not! What about...?

Yeah, okay.

Go, Stevie.

(yelps)

Uh, excu-excuse me.

I got locked out of my room,

and I forgot my towel and I'm very cold.

There you go.

Have a nice day.

Thank you.

I've been swimming!

Good job. I'll be out in a minute.

WOMAN: I do all the chores,

I make all the money and I'm sorry

if I'm a little tired when we get into the bedroom!

That's why we took this vacation!

We took this vacation to get away from your parents.

You have no clue. Because you never tell me

what you're thinking! I'm not a mind-reader!

I got the answers.

I'm going to go make copies.

You guys stay here

and keep the door open till I get back.

Everybody... look casual.

Now let's see you chicken out.

What are you doing? (gasps)

It's not what it looks like.

It looks like you're trying to break your foot

just so you don't have to go to the dance with me.

Ha!

You couldn't be more wrong.

If you don't want to go with me,

then why don't you just break up with me?

I really like you, Alison.

I just didn't want to spend all that money on the dance.

I know that was selfish, and I'm really sorry.

But I still really want you to be my girlfriend.

Well... thanks for being honest.

But you made a promise to me, and I'm going to hold you to it.

You're going to get me a corsage,

and you're going to rent a limo,

and you're going to pick me up at 7:00,

and we're going to go to the dance.

Okay.

You'll see.

We'll have a great time.

We'll dance the spotlight dance,

and we'll make sure we get our picture taken together

so we'll always remember this night.

And then I'll break up with you forever.

Someone I know was a busy little team player last night.

It just came to me what the right thing to do was.

I've never been prouder of you than at this moment.

We never spoke.

Ladies and gentlemen.

We are now ready to begin round one.

The subject will be history.

Question one:

"In 1803, the French sold over 800,000 square miles..."

Louisiana Purchase.

Correct.

(applause)

Question two:

"What historic document..."

The Magna Carta.

Correct.

Question three: "Who..."

Ben Franklin.

That's... right.

(crowd murmuring)

Settle down,

please.

Let's try this again.

Question...

ALL: The defenestration of Prague!

Okay...

ALL: The Treaty of Utrecht!

Will all coaches join me in the back?

You gave everyone the test, didn't you?

In fingertip semaphore, this means...

I know what it means!

Good night, Dad.

Dewey, I-I know it's just an expression,

and I'm a mature person,

so if you don't want to say it, you don't have to say it.

Thanks for understanding.

Well, I love you!

But guess what?

I don't love you! And you!

And I don't love you or you or you...!

And I especially don't love you!

And you... love...!

Don't try to get away! (screams)

(coughs)

If you just love...

I-I hate... (coughing)

(weakly): Oh, no.

Dad, we need more toothpaste.

Dad?

Dad, wake up! Get out of there!

Dad!

(grunting)

Dad!

Get up! Get up, please!

Don't die, Dad. I love you!

(coughing) I love you, Dad!

(gasping)

Are they dead?

Am I dead?

Well, I-I... I passed out. I...

How did you pull me all the way over here?

I guess... 'cause I'm bigger.

(laughing)

Oh, good.

Thank you, son.

You saved my life.

I love you.

I love you, Dad.

Well, the results are in.

Since everyone was so well prepared,

everybody gets a trophy.

Jefferson, you win first place in science.

Quincy, you win in mathematics.

North High, history.

St. Bartholomew, literature.

And Marshall in ethics.

As you can see, it's a happy ending for all,

so long as everybody keeps their mouths shut.

See you next year.

Hey, no hard feelings, okay?

I mean, I got you, you got everybody.

It was kind of cool.

Right. Cool.

I wonder what would've happened

if we'd played it straight.

You know, gone head-to-head for real.

You've got to be kidding.

Compared to you, he's a whole other species.

You should be his pet. Come on.

We're sorry...

we tried to...

make you cheat.

You're our moral compass, Malcolm.

We'd like to make it up to you somehow.

Let's all pick him up

and carry him to the bus on our shoulders.

That's a great idea. Yeah! Yeah!

Actually, I should sit this one out.

With my middle ear condition...

My scoliosis.

I forgot my orthotics.

Sorry. Epstein Barr.

Yes, Mr. Cutler, we have your reservation right here.

Hey, what time is it there in Australia?

Canceling? Oh, no.

Well, it's a shame to let one argument with your wife spoil...

Sure, you can ask me whatever you want.

Hi, honey.