Original subtitles

Give me that.

It never gets old.

[choking and spitting]

♪ Yes, no, maybe

♪ I don't know

♪ Can you repeat the question?

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ Life is unfair.

Mom, what are you doing?

For crying out loud, Malcolm,

why am I paying for underpants that you're not wearing?

Mom.

Why are you not wearing your underpants?

I want to wear boxers.

Oh, really?

Well, you may think

you suddenly need all the extra room,

but let me tell you, my dear,

you are getting way ahead of yourself.

Just once, I'd like a childhood memory I don't have to repress.

Do you think maybe Dewey's

getting a little old for stuffed animals?

Maybe we should start thinking about weaning him off Domingo.

I guess that part of his childhood is over.

So sad.

Our little baby is growing up.

Give me that.

Hey,

check out the new kid.

STEVIE: Fresh...

meat.

You no longer have to live in fear.

What are you talking about?

The hazing we put you through is over.

What hazing?

Oh, come on.

When we gave you the warped lunch tray?

When we dulled the points on your pencils?

When you sneezed and no one said "Bless you"?

I still feel bad about that.

Now she's taking your place as the whipping boy.

You know, you guys get dumped on and tortured

by the entire school.

Why would you want to do it to someone else?

[mumbles "I don't know"]

You guys don't even know this girl. Maybe she's nice.

Hi.

I'm Malcolm.

Cynthia.

So, you're new here.

Yeah... my dad wanted to get away from Manhattan,

but I think the real reason is

that my mom's remarriage hit him pretty hard

and he thinks that a new environment would help.

The truth is, nothing's been the same

since my brother died in the boating accident.

[laughing]: Just kidding.

What?

Get... a room.

[laughing]

Anyway, I'll see you later

and I'm glad your brother's okay.

I don't have a brother.

Cadets, apparently one of you felt the compelling need

to take my '37 Stutz Bearcat for a joyride in a cornfield.

You may be sure the responsible party

will be disciplined.

Now, I know

in the past I have resorted to grueling midnight hikes

through leech- infested swamps

or the repetitive digging and filling of ditches,

et cetera, et cetera.

But things have changed.

Due to a recent court decision

involving corporal punishment,

a loophole has allowed me to unretire "Old Hickory."

[whooshing]

Mmm. He hungers for the sting

of insolent flesh.

[buzzing]

Hi, Dad.

Oh, hey, son. What's up?

I need a little favor.

Oh, I'll try. What do you need?

An alibi. If anyone asks, you just have to say

we were on a father-son fishing trip yesterday.

What did you do?

Really, Dad,

do the specifics matter?

I mean, you have to do this for me.

I am not going to lie for you.

Okay, I'm calling in my chit.

What chit?You know, the one-time thing.

I just call it in and you do it, no questions asked.

That doesn't exist, Francis.Dad.

No, I'm sorry, son, I can't help you.

You're gonna have to face the consequences

of your actions like a grown-up.

All I have to say is, I am very disappointed in you.

Was that Francis?

How's he doing?

Good. He... he, uh...

just got a "B" on his history final.

Good for him.

You know, this is the longest he's ever gone

without getting into any kind of trouble.

Maybe things are finally starting to turn around.

So, why are you here so late?

I had to use the school computer.

Why are you here so late?

I really liked what you said in class

about the search for intelligent life in the universe.

And you waited out here to tell me that?

You know, I was thinking,

why are we even bothering

to send signals into deep space?

If we do make contact with extraterrestrials,

we'll probably just wind up doing their laundry.

[laughs]

Just kidding.

So, what's it like having a brother?

I don't know.

Well, I've got to go home now. Bye.

Bye.

What's going on?

Some weird new girl from school

actually followed me home.

Really? Is she cute?

Hey, is this what that whole boxer shorts thing is all about?

Mom, please don't.

Hi.

Thank you again for inviting me.

LOIS: Oh, you're welcome.

If my son weren't such

an unforgivably rude little pig,

he would have invited you himself.

You be nicer to her.

She obviously has no friends at all.

Malcolm, would you ask your girlfriend

to pass the potatoes?

Malcolm, would you thank your girlfriend for me?

So, Cynthia, you're in Malcolm's class.

Yeah.

Huh.

Malcolm, would you ask your girlfriend

if she would like some peas?

We get it.

Thank you, Mr. Chicken, for giving up your life

so that I can continue to live.

What are you doing?

I know if someone killed me and ate me,

I'd like them to at least say thank you.

[phone rings]

Hello.

This is Commandant Spangler from the Marlin Academy.

Oh, yes.

Sorry to disturb you.

I'm just calling because

we had an incident up here last weekend,

and I've done a thorough investigation,

and it appears your son Francis

is a prime suspect.

Well, that's impossible

because he was with me last weekend.

He was?

Yes. Yes, we went fishing.

You're sure?

Smallmouth bass.

Boy, those babies'll fight you.

Yeah, I got the fish to prove it.

You know, I should send you some.

No, that's quite all right.

No, I insist.

Yeah, I got a freezer full of 'em.

Okay, where's Domingo?

Come on, I can smell him.

Honey, do you think

I just took Domingo away from you

because I'm mean?

Absolutely.

Dewey, the reason

I had to take your teddy bear away

is because he's very dirty.

He's covered with germs

and he could make you very sick.

He wouldn't do that.

He loves me.

It's the germs, sweetie.

There're tiny bugs carrying disease,

and Domingo is covered with them.

Now, when you touch him, they get on your hands,

and what do you suppose happens if you touch your eyes?

Well, I'll tell you what happens.

The germs get in there and they infect them,

and you get very sick

and eventually your optic nerve rots away

and your eyes fall out.

Now, if you want to keep Domingo, you can.

But if you want to keep your eyes, you'll give Domingo to me.

You made the smart choice, sweetie.

Sleep tight.

Hey, Malcolm.

I want to sit alone.

Yeah, hi.

So, I signed us up as lab partners.

You know, Cynthia,

you're spending all your time with me.

Maybe it'd be a good thing

if you branched out a little bit?

Just seemed like a good idea.

We get along so well,

I just thought we've got a good thing going.

"Thing"?

Ooh, Malcolm,

having lunch with your girlfriend?

She's not my girlfriend.

Oh, I don't know.

I think I see a spark.

Boop.

Please don't touch me.

Yeah, that'll work.

Oh, she doesn't like to be touched.

Well, then, maybe I'll do this. Ow!

Now, say your body is composed entirely of snot.

My body is composed entirely of snot.

Anything you want to add?I'm good.

[whimpers]

What was that?

It's Krav Maga--

the official self-defense system of the Israeli army.

Maybe I'll show you sometime

if you think you can handle it.

What's with all the fish?

Oh, nothing, I just did something incredibly stupid

and shortsighted.

You going to put those in the freezer?

Just for tonight.

Tomorrow they go in the mail.

Dewey, what are you doing?

I'm killing the germs.

I hate germs.

Germs are scary.

Don't forget the germs in the oven.

[phone rings]Hello.

You are the best dad ever.

I am not.

I'm a terrible dad.

I never should've lied for you.

Well, the important thing is that this is all behind us

and I've learned my lesson.

What lesson is that?

That you are the best dad ever.

You know, Francis, I don't feel much like talking right now.

[spraying]

Yes, Commandant Spangler,

this is Francis' father.

I'm-I'm afraid I... lied to you.

Francis is the cadet responsible for damaging your car.

I see.

[cadet screaming]

Well, that puts me in somewhat of an awkward position.

You see, the culprit is being disciplined as we speak.

But Francis did it.

You-You're punishing the wrong cadet.

I beg your pardon.

In my 30 years at this academy

I have never caned the wrong cadet.

Sir, did you say "caned"?

No.

Sir...

Consider the matter closed.

But, sir, you...

[cadet screaming]

Take five, fellas.

Yeah, we're having lunch together.

So what?

She likes to sit next to me.

Looks like Lloyd and Dabney are having

a pretty intense conversation.

Did you know I could read lips?

"I've noticed that 80% of my Doritos

are isosceles triangles."

"Wow, I'm impressed.

Want to kiss?"

"I was hoping you'd ask.

Let me finish my sandwich first."

"Waiting is such sweet agony."

[laughs]

"Okay, I'm ready."

"Oh, now I'm not.

I just took a bite of my sandwich."

"Oh, you're such a tease."

[snorts loudly]

Now, if I apply pressure like this for ten seconds,

you'll pass out.

If I do it for 20 seconds,

you'll die of a brain hemorrhage.

Cool.

Okay.

Are you wearing perfume?

Oh, it's my shampoo.

Jasmine. Do you like it?

Well, yeah. It smells good.

It's supposed to get rid of my dandruff,

but I'm not sure it's working.

Here, what do you think?

Malcolm?

[laughing]

Ooh.

[laughs]

Looks like you and Cynthia have some real chemistry.

Would you shut up?

No, see, it-it's a play on words.

I said shut up.

I'll e-mail it to you

and some others, if you don't mind.

So, have you figured out how many words

your phone number makes?

Mine makes five:

Three in English and two in Esperanto.

Just kidding.

You know, if it's a joke

you don't have to say "just kidding."

It's either funny or it isn't.

You know, just because you're cute

doesn't mean you can be rude.

That wasn't rude.

That was...

What's a...?

Did she say I was cute?!

Hi, Malcolm. What's going on?

I just wanted to talk to you

about something that's bothering me.

What's it about?

There's this girl, and...

Keep Mom out of it!

What?!

I am warning you,

keep Mom out of your love life.

Mom has nothing to do with this.

Trust me-- yes, she does.

She will ruin it, I swear.

Whatever Mom tells you, don't do it.

And don't do the opposite, either!

The way it's worked for me is...

Actually, it's never worked for me.

I just don't know if it's a good idea.

I've thought about this a long time.

Okay, it's your call.

When are you going to talk to Dewey?

As soon as he finishes the windows.

Hey! I want a rematch.

Last time the sun was in my eyes,

and I wasn't really...

[coughing]

Hey, Malcolm.

What are you doing after school?

We're getting a dog, and I thought you

might want to help us pick one out.

My mom wants a golden retriever,

but I'm leaning more toward

a flat-coated retriever...

because everyone has goldens, and...

I don't want to be lab partners with you anymore.

What?

I mean, it wasn't my idea.

The teacher thought I should partner up with someone else.

Okay.

[Reese crying]

Hello, son.

Dad, what are you doing here?

I need to talk to you.

You drove eight hours just to talk to me?

Well, I thought it best that I do this face- to-face, man-to-man.

What is it?

Francis, you wrecked Commandant Spangler's car

and you weren't punished for it.

Another cadet was, and that just isn't right.

That's what you came all the way down here to tell me?

Well, that, and your mother said

you can come home from military school,

and I told her I didn't think it was a good idea.

What?!Francis,

neither one of us did the right thing,

and there has to be consequences for that.

Oh, come on!

Look, if I didn't do this

I'd be failing you as a parent.

There's got to be another way.

No, no, believe me.

I wrestled with this on the drive over.

This is the only fair thing to do

because it deals with my complicity as well.

Guess there really isn't anything more to say.

Well, looks like you have some kind of activity planned,

so I'll get out of your hair.

Hey.

I love you, son.

Have fun.

Dewey, we have got to talk.

Honey, when I talked to you about germs,

I was just trying to scare you.

That was wrong.

This isn't about germs.

Sweetie, it's about growing up.

The reason I had to take Domingo

away from you is because

you are too grown-up

for a ratty, old stuffed animal

that's falling apart.[screeching]

Dewey, you have got to stop this.

It's a little bug. It never hurt anyone.

But it has germs on it!

Okay, this is enough.

See?

Nothing happened to me.

Okay?

Okay.

So take off the plastic and go eat your breakfast.

So, anyway...

Look at her, talking to some idiot.

Who is that guy?

What am I saying? I don't care.

Why should I care?

There's nothing that special about her.

Why is this bugging me so much?

[laughing]

If I'm such a genius

I should be able to come up with a smart way to deal with this.

Why did you throw a brick

through my daughter's window at 2:00 in the morning?

I don't know.

I really don't.

How could you do that?

It really scared me, Malcolm.

I don't know, I'm sorry. The one good thing is,

Mom'll kill me before this goes on for too much longer.

I didn't move to the suburbs

so my daughter could be attacked in the dead of night.

Oh, for God's sake.

He wasn't attacking her. He's got a crush on her.

Beg pardon?

Mom, don't.Don't worry,

Malcolm's going to be punished.

But this is nothing to get panicked about.

But...Don't you remember

when you were his age-- all the dumb things

you did with your little girlfriends?

Um, I'm not his...

It's puberty!

Their bodies are going all crazy down there

and they can't do anything about it.

So they start all that silly making out

and then they get all tingly and charged up

and they don't know what to do with themselves

so they throw bricks and things.

My oldest son set a doghouse on fire.

They are idiots at this age.

That's just what they do.

Yes, well... that-that may be,

but this kind of behavior is not acceptable.

No, it isn't... but you'd better get used to it

because I'm gonna tell you right now,

this one is an early bloomer.

She's gonna pop out of every bra you buy

for the next three years.

You're going to be self-conscious,

but don't let it make you slouch.

You're gonna be happy about it when you get to college.

Come on...

I'll give you the number of a glass company.

We give him a lot of business.

He'll treat you right.

Well, at least she didn't strip us and take pictures.

The night is young.

Okay, you know what?

Big deal.

I do like you.

I'm willing to say it.

I really like you a lot.

I like you a lot.

Okay, then...

What?

I'm not all tingly

and charged up, okay?

Nah. Me neither.

And my body's not going crazy.

Fine.

God, why'd she have to say all that stuff?

Malcolm, what are you doing?

Look, Cynthia, believe me, I'm trying to kiss you,

and I think if you just give me a minute to clear my head,

I'll be able to kiss you, okay?

Excuse me?! Francis said she'd do this.

And who, exactly, is Francis? It's not what you think.

He's my brother.You were going to kiss me, and you're thinking

about your brother?No, I was thinking about my mom.

No, I mean, I was thinking about your bra.

I mean... I was thinking about what's inyour bra.

Uh... I mean, what will bein your bra.

Oh, can I start over?

I wonder if I can convince anyone this is a hickey.