Original subtitles

I mean, it's extraordinary, their meeting like that

and not realising they had a connection.

-And how did they meet, exactly? -Dad! -I told you.

Beth heard Kitty singing in a pub.

-I did tell him. And it was here. -Here?

Well, not here. A pub in Hebden Bridge, but I shouldn't think

it would be this one. I mean, didn't you say it was...

-Bit of an icky-sticky carpet pub. -Spit and sawdust. -And then what?

Does Beth go around picking up women in disreputable pubs nowadays,

Martin? Is that what you've reduced her to?

-Can you pass the mayo, Dad? -No! -Dad...

No, she was looking for a singer for this comedy rock band.

For this do, this, this charity do this evening.

-Ah! So? -So she was just walking past a pub

and she heard this amazing voice, so in she went,

and Kitty really can sing.

-Mm-hm. -Apparently. -Mmm.

I mean, possibly not Maria Callas, but...

And so no more information yet about who...

...who your...ah, biological father is, Tom?

Erm...

-We've only ever actually met her that once so... -Oh, really? - Mm.

So this is only the second time you'll have actually...

Well, they were going to come to us in Sheffield, Beth and Kitty,

for something to eat. But we never seemed to be able to fix a date,

did we? Then we were going to go up there again, but it didn't happen.

So, yeah... No, apart from the odd text.

You know, it will probably take some time

before she's able to talk about something like that...

Course it will, of course it will.

I mean, you don't know if she was raped, if it was incest...

Beth, Beth, Beth.

We've always thought you were a bit gay.

That's very sweet, Fearne, but I'm not gay.

-Kitty's... -I'm your birth mother.

H-how... How do you... How do you know?

Cos I had a letter a few weeks ago. From the adoption services,

-after you got in touch with 'em. -The dates all match. And the ages.

I mean, we need to verify it, of course, but...

...it seems pretty conclusive.

S-so how... How come that YOU found, erm...

-Kitty. -..before me?

It was honestly a complete fluke. We got to know each other

before either of us knew that we had any kind of connection.

You should have told me. Before... Before we came...

She tried to. She left a load of messages for you to phone her back.

But you didn't.

Are you all right?

-Yeah. -Are you, Kitty?

You deserve better than this.

You come in here and the first thing you do is tell your mu...

You get your wife to tell your mother why you can't stay long,

even though you haven't been here for months. And then you look me

up and down like I'm something you've just trod in

when you haven't got a fucking clue who I am.

And then you tell her you're going on holiday with your dad

cos you're "worried he's lonely".

What about her? Have you any idea what she's been through lately?

This kind, brilliant woman.

No, you don't. You've no idea because you never see her,

and you never fucking ask!

-Kitty, don't. -What do you mean?

Erm, I-I've just been a bit low recently. That's all.

-Have you? Why? -Oh...

-I'll go. - No, no, don't. Please don't. -What did you want me for?

I mean, was there a particular reason why you wanted to contact me

now or... you just want to know what I look like?

We, erm...

We were thinking about starting a family.

Really? Oh!

And...

Well, I think that's what prompted it,

if there was any medical history that we should know about.

Medical...

I don't think so.

I don't know. I've no idea.

-I'm sorry, Beth. I am going to go. -No, please. Kitty. Don't.

Well...

...what've you been depressed about?

Oh, you know. Granny. Work. Being on my own.

And I'm just at that age.

Erm, so...

Anxiety, insomnia, apathy, low mood, brain-fog.

Feeling like you're disappearing down a black hole.

Drowning. Going mad.

Fading away. Just...

...that sort of thing.

Look, I don't want you two to get off on the wrong foot.

And I did ring you last night, Tom.

TRICIA: - Oh! What time is it?

Doors open at seven and we don't want to be sitting at the back.

Or do we?!

♪ Let's start a riot

♪ We won't be quiet

♪ Riot women gonna set this world on fire. ♪

HUMS

Do you feel randy?

-I feel nervous. -No, I mean since we went to t'doctor's.

Oh, the HRT? Yes! I do.

It comes over me every now and again in the most unlikely moments.

Which is bizarre and delightful

cos I had thought all that was behind me.

Do you know what? Right now I could shag anything that moves.

Anything with a pulse. I mean, anything.

Either that or I'm going to have to go into toilets and sort myself out.

Not in the infants', Kitty.

Come in with me if you want, finish me off.

I wouldn't know where to start!

Don't be so disingenuous.

I'm going to stop teaching you all those big words.

Maybe it's nerves. Maybe it's the adrenaline.

No, I think it probably is the HRT.

You know, I've started to feel about 100 years younger

-in the last few weeks. -You look great.

-So do you. -Come on, then. It'll only take two minutes.

I'm on fire.

I'm very fond of you, Kitty.

And it's sweet of you to offer. But, contrary to what Fearne thinks,

a deep dive into lesbianism at this late stage

is not on the top of my list of things to do.

We need to get you a fella!

You know Martin's coming, don't you?

Oh, the thing is with Martin, though, he's long gone, baby.

I know. I'm just saying.

Oh, and the in-laws.

Bloody hell. You wait till you meet them.

- POSH ACCENT: - "Oh, yes, we must come."

"Anything for the refugees. Ha, ha, ha-ha!"

Course it's all arse-wipe.

They couldn't give a fuck about the refugees.

They're just coming to gawp at you.

Well, they'll be disappointed, won't they?

What're we going to do about this low opinion you have of yourself?

Dunno. Drown me in a bucket?

Do you feel like that when you're singing,

on stage in front of people with that fabulous voice?

No.

-Tom hates me. -Don't say that.

I mean, I don't care. I mean, I do, but, you know.

As long as you and him are all right.

He doesn't know you.

But he will. In time.

Fuck's sake! I can't use me own kit.

-Why? -I've got to use the drum kit belonging to the fella

from that grandad band because there isn't time to take more than

one kit on and offstage during the performance and they've all decided,

in advance, without consulting me - because, you know, why would they?

That we're using his kit.

But he's being a twat and he won't let me practise with it properly,

which wouldn't be a problem if his hi-hat and his snare weren't,

like, f... king way up there.

And his crash and his ride weren't way out there!

So, look, if it all goes tits up in the percussion section,

-you'll know why. -Jess... Jessie. -Oh!

Look, I'm so sorry. It's crazy. Please don't fall out with me!

Look, we've had so many entries and if I have to clear

the entire rostra between acts we are going to be here till midnight.

Charlie, it's fine. We'll work with whatever's there.

We're can-do people, we're focused on the refugees.

I mean, we have been practising solid for, like, six weeks,

you know, but if it's more important for him to show off

his shiny new trap rather than be fair or reasonable, you know...

No, I actually feel sorry for him.

-Are we having a sound check? -Yes. -When?

-Well, the rest of your band is out there now. -What?

That's what we're doing!

OK, so we don't have long.

-Hallelujah. -You should've text us.

Yeah, cos I'm your PA.

Jess, do you want to try this again?

I've adjusted everything down a notch

so it's not too high for you, not too low for me,

and I've pulled the crash and the ride in an inch or so.

Come and have a go.

-See what I mean? -Bastard.

BABY GURGLES

I think she's upset.

Inez has joined the PTA now she's stepped down, so...

She needs to be on HRT like rest of us.

-She'd soon get over shit like that. -Language.

Kitty? Look at this.

Yvonne delivered this baby six week ago!

-I'm with Jacob. -Hiya.

He's been helping Yvonne with her guitar.

Do you want a cuddle?

No. I'll start lactating. I get ridiculous with babies.

Fuck's sake. It's only a baby. They're ten a penny.

Come on, we haven't got so long. Can't you do that later?

Come on. Let's get cracking.

I need to nip out and get some supplies before kick-off

-or I'll be climbing up the walls. -Where's Holly? -Toilet.

-She's got diarrhoea. -And our Nisha doesn't get off till six.

She did tell you that, didn't she?

Oh, here she is!

Oh, you're so nervous you've shat yourself?

It's not that big a gig, love.

I knew this'd happen.

Ah... Take your guitar to t'toilet with you?

Yeah, well, I couldn't get it off, could I? I had to waddle out

-so fast. -It's all that arse-action you've been involved with, innit?

Is it nerves, Holly? Will you be able to go on?

Yeah. What I'm really nervous about

is the fact that me mother's decided she's coming.

So I've had to persuade Adam and Carl to bring her

and so it's been all...

"What if she needs tekkin' to t'toilet? I'm not tekkin' her!"

Oh! It's like, why? Why? Why can't they just rise

-to the occasion now and again...? -PHONE RINGS

-...without turning everything into a... -Hiya.

- LOUDLY INTO MIC: - ..fucking opera? Sorry.

Are we doing this?

-You what? -I can't come. I can't get there.

You're joking.

Sergeant Arsehole's just dropped three hours compulsory overtime

on us all cause Scunthorpe's beaten Halifax 5-0 at home,

so all the numpties are going to get pissed

-and kick each other's heads in. -Hold on, babe.

They've just dropped three hours compulsory overtime on 'em all

cos Scunthorpe have beat Halifax 5-0 at home

so they need extra policing cos all the numpties are going to get pissed

-and kick each other's heads in, apparently. -No! - Shit.

I'm going to look like a right turnip doing these moves on me own!

Hang on. No, wait. Why don't I...? I can move you down the programme.

So I had you on at the end of the first act,

but if you went at the very end, then...

BABY CRIES

...yeah.

Cos...

-Yeah. -We won't be over by half past nine. Not even close.

-Thank God! Did you hear that? -Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah!

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Right, are we doing this sound check or what?

-Yeah. -One, two. What... Can you put this on, please?

One, two. One, two. One...

BAND PLAYS

♪ My, my

♪ At Waterloo Napoleon did surrender... ♪

INDISTINCT CHAT

-Right, I'm getting chewing gum, chocolate.. -Yep. - ..fags.

Imodium.

Kitty?

Kitty?

Hey!

Kitty!

Kitty!

Hey!

Sake!

What am I fucking running for? I'm not fucking running.

-Don't you fucking touch me! -I'm not going to touch you, Kitty.

-I just... I just want to talk to you. -What about?

-You look amazing. -Oh, fuck off. -Look, I'm not with Shelley any more.

We never went to Antigua.

Well, I didn't. She took the kids and her mother.

I'm living in the flat, our flat. She wants a divorce.

-Oh, fascinating. -Look, come back to me.

What? I'm serious.

You got your mates, because you're such a fucking coward,

you got your mates from the rugby club to come and knock me about

and chuck me out on the street with nothing - literally, nothing.

And now you want me to come back? I ended up in hospital that night.

Yeah, but it didn't stop you smashing up my Jaguar the next day,

-did it? Come on, Kitty. -You think that makes us even?

Yeah, we both made mistakes.

-I haven't even started. -Look, I'm sorry.

I miss you.

No.

You miss having someone who can supply you with A-grade shit

to shove up your nose.

And do the kind of contortions in bed your wife wouldn't do.

I've moved on.

I've got stuff to do. So, seriously,

fuck off!

Oh...

SHE RETCHES

Oh, you fucking...

You... filthy fucking whore.

You'll die in a ditch one day, you.

SHE GASPS

Like you deserve,

like all the rest of your...

...dirty, nasty family.

Fuck's sake, you mucky bitch!

-Right, come on, you. - Are we getting out? -Yeah. - Are we getting...?

-Yeah, yeah. -Right.

-Step to the side, will you? -Hello. -Hiya, Nancy.

Come on.

-Where are we going? -Here. Thank you.

- MAN: - So I was just standing there,

not thinking about anything really...

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, there's a queue.

Is it definite now, about this...

...Kitty lady?

Yeah, we've had the documents.

And so how do you feel about it?

She won't talk about who my biological father is,

so I just have to assume that...

Yeah, he wasn't a very nice person.

"Rape, incest"?

Maybe.

-Maybe not. -Well, don't you think that if it was at all palatable

she would have told me?

-Either that or... -What?

She doesn't want to talk about it because she was...

-...complicit in it. -Complicit?

At 12? No.

All right, not complicit, but...

I... I was talking to a friend. At work.

And when I said her name, he went like, "Oh, my God."

And then he told me about this podcast.

Gangs Of The North.

And there is literally one about her family.

The Eckersleys. Keith Eckersley.

Deeply, seriously, unsavoury people.

So how do I feel about her? I don't know is the answer.

It's just... not...

I thought we'd have things to say to each other - we didn't.

The whole lunch was just awkward. It was ridiculous.

I mean, I had no idea it was coming.

Yeah, it does sound like it was handled rather badly.

I always imagined...

...that I'd like her, and...

...I don't know that I do.

-Oh, here she is! Miranda, we need you! -Miranda... - Why?

-Right, it's not entirely impossible that Nisha... -It's possible...

...isn't going to get here on time, so we wondered...

We wondered if you'd step in with Kam, to do the backing vocals.

I can teach you the moves.

Uh... Why me?

Cos you've heard your mum warbling all our numbers,

at the top of her voice, apparently, at your house.

-So? -Oh, I can't sing.

Well, neither can I! That's our USP, Nisha and me -

we're hopeless. Look, she will get here.

It's just so, if she doesn't - which she will -

I don't have to do the moves on my own. That's all.

Uh, OK.

THEY CHEER

-Good girl. -Oh, my God. Is there somewhere we can rehearse,

-not in front of everybody? -Yeah, come with me. -Yeah!

-A tiny bit. A tiny bit. -But it's a big 'un. It is a big 'un.

MUSIC: Don't Bring Me Down by Electric Light Orchestra

♪ You got me runnin', goin' out of my mind

♪ You got me thinkin' that I'm wastin' my time

♪ Don't bring me down

♪ No, no, no, no, no

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ I'll tell you once more before I get off the floor

♪ Don't bring me down

♪ You wanna stay out with your fancy friends

♪ I'm tellin' you, it's gotta be the end

♪ Don't bring me down

♪ No, no, no, no, no

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ I'll tell you once more before I get off the floor

♪ Don't bring me down

♪ Don't bring me down, groos

♪ Don't bring me down, groos

♪ Don't bring me down, groos

♪ Don't bring me down

♪ What happened to the girl I used to know? ♪

Kam was going to teach Miranda her moves

just in case Nisha doesn't get here on time.

♪ Don't bring me down

♪ No, no, no, no, no... ♪

PHONE RINGS

Shit... I'm busy.

-Where are yer? -I'm not at The Duke. I'm doing something else

this evening, so don't even bother showing up there.

-I know you are. I'm here. -Where?

Well, I went to t'Duke and somebody said you were here.

-So where you sitting? -Here? You're at the school?

Affirmative. I'm stood at the back. Where are yer?

How've you got in? Tickets sold out weeks ago.

Yeah, I lifted a couple from this old fella's jacket pocket.

It's a shame, but they'll probably let him in anyway, won't they?

Him and his missus.

-He's lost the ticket. We can't find them. -What's the name?

Somebody said I get a free drink wi' me ticket?

Oh, Jesus Christ! What the fuck are you doing 'ere?

I've got some intel for you about your dad. Where are you sat?

No, I'm not... I'm not there. What intel have you got about me dad?

You kidding me, man? I've got me tea sorted now.

I'm not... in the audience. I'm with one of the acts.

Oh! OK.

-What about me dad? -OK, everyone got a seat?

-What about me dad? -Oh, there's two seats just here.

No, Charlie! These are saved for Auntie Mary and Dyson.

OK. Well, ah...

KITTY: Are you there? Are you listening?

Oh, there's one empty one along here.

-Spongebob? -Well, good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

Right, look, I better go.

It's kicking off, so I'll find you after.

-Is there an interval? -Yeah. I don't know. -Break a leg!

Thanks.

-Pardon me. -I have had the pleasure of watching the acts rehearse

before today, and let me tell you, you're in for a treat.

It's so wonderful to gather the school...

Would you mind holding me that, love, while I open my crisps?

-Sure. -..for such an important cause,

and all proceeds from tonight's events will be going to charity.

-And your generosity will provide... -PACKET RUSTLES LOUDLY

...essential resources to those who are most in need.

So, together, we can make a real difference to refugees

-who are seeking safety... -Here. -..hope and a new beginning.

INCOHERENT CHANTING

-You're chewing. -I'm not chewing.

-I can hear you chewing. -I'm sucking.

Let's have a look, then.

-I'm not chewing! -Let's see it, then.

Mm.

DISTANT SIRENS

Oh, no. No way, no way! You've cheated.

-You've put another one in. -When? When have I?

-You'd have seen me do it. -All right, come on. Best of three.

Oh, whoa.

That's right, love. You stroll on.

BANGING ON CAR

-Wahey! -Pack it in!

Let it go. Let it go.

-How does that work, then? Woohoo! -CAR HORN BEEPS

-Knob. -Yup.

RADIO: - Nine-six-seven-five, are you free?

Landlord at The Old Cock has got some lads kicking off.

There's a fight escalating. There's six or seven of them apparently

and he's requesting police presence.

SIREN WAILS

-Seriously, you got a band together in six weeks? -Yeah!

-Nine-six-seven-five, code six. -Received.

What, you can all play all your instruments and everything?

-Yeah. We're shit-hot. -Are you? -Nah, but we have a laugh.

Well, they're having a bloody laugh. What am I doing?

SHOUTING

-Pack it in! -Ah!

-I'm going to kill him, and his fucking girlfriend! -Fuck off!

Bollywood, did you know your little piggy-wagon's

-had a little accident outside? -Fuck's sake!

Are you going to get your tits out for us, love?

Unscrew the light bulb, pat the dog.

Ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding...

-You're under arrest. -Shit! -Leg it!

-Split up - go that way! -Going left on Albion Street.

White male, grey trainers, light grey joggers,

has gone up King Edward Street.

I've got him. Got him down a dead end.

You're under arrest for criminal damage. Do you understand?

-No. -Up against that wall.

-I didn't do anything - I was just telling you. -Against the wall!

You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence

if you do not mention when questioned something

-you later rely on in court. -Oh, yeah? -Anything you do say

may be given in evidence. Do you understand?

-Put that down. -Yeah? -Put that down.

-Yeah? -Put it down!

-Grab her stick! -Nine-six-seven-five, urgent assistance...

Smash her camera. Smash her radio!

Get her fucking kegs off!

COMEDIC SINGING OF MOZART'S DER HOLLE RACHE ARIA

A CAPPELLA VOCAL HARMONIES

♪ You had no time for a wife or child

♪ People thought it strange... ♪

APPLAUSE

And then I realised they were talking about my baby,

not my husband.

LAUGHTER

...to help me so if you wouldn't mind just putting your hands up...

CHEERING

...to help me, please,

that would be really... Rubbish trick - let's get rid of that.

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

TUNING GUITAR STRINGS

-Kitty, can I nick some more of your vodka? -Sure.

-Kitty, can I? I'll pay you back. -You're not paying me back, kid.

-You're all going to be pissed by the time we go on. -Yay!

CROWD LAUGHS

-Keep your nerve, women. -I just think it'd be, you know, quite something

if we didn't make fools of ourselves.

Oh, God. We're not going to make fools of ourselves.

We are totally going to make fools of ourselves.

That's why we're here, isn't it?

-That's the interval folks! -Any good?

Yeah! I don't think we've got any real competition, though.

INDISTINCT CHAT

No, I don't... I don't want that.

So, do you have children at the school?

Me? No.

I'm 'ere to see, er...

...me girlfriend. Yeah, she's in one o' the acts.

-Oh, really? Which one? -Oh, no, she hasn't been on yet.

Oh.

PHONE RINGS

This'll be her now.

-Kitty? -Spongebob, you knob, are you there? - Hiya.

-Where are yer? -I want you to meet me outside.

In the infants' playground, round the front.

-It's very good, I'm enjoying meself. -What do you know?

He's here. He's in England.

He's been extradited from wherever he was and he's in Wakefield Prison.

How do you know?

Well, I know somebody who visits somebody in there.

When?

How long's he been there?

-Pass. -Why wasn't it in the news?

It probably was. Have you not Googled him?

Do you mind if I get back inside? Only, the fella said to be quick

getting another drink, cos he wanted to crack on wi' second half.

Yeah, yeah.

Nine-eight-three-seven. I'm in Shakespeare Street now.

Oh, it's dark.

RADIO: Nine-eight-three-seven receiving.

RADIO: Keep us updated.

I can't see anybody.

Hang on.

I've found a radio. And her bodycam.

Nisha!

Nisha!

GROANING

You've got yourself into a right pickle here, haven't you?

You daft bitch.

Get me down.

Get me...

Yeah, I will do. I will do.

Just take a few snaps for me mates.

You don't mind, do you? No, course you don't.

Why would yer?

CAMERA CLICKS

Nine-eight-three-seven. I've got Nisha, I've found her.

She's been beaten up and cuffed to some railings.

Can I have supervision down here?

RADIO: Nine-eight-three-seven, all received, aware and en route.

Contacting ambulance...

Go on, pull your pants up.

I'm not even tempted.

Telling fucking Holly to go upstairs and squeal to boss.

Smart move. Not.

Jesus. Let's get you down.

HE GRUNTS

Whoops.

♪ My weight

♪ So let it flow

♪ Oh, sit down, oh, sit down,

♪ Oh, sit down

CROWD: - ♪ Sit down next to me

♪ Sit down, down, down, down, down, down

♪ In sympathy... ♪

PHONE: Hi, this is Nisha. Please leave a...

I don't get it! She should be here by now!

She should have been here half an hour ago!

-Have you texted? -Yeah.

-Can you ring where she works? -What, 999?

-No. There'll be an office number. -Oh.

Oh, my God, we're going to be on soon.

You'll be all right, kid. It's just for a laugh, it's just for fun.

-Where are you going? -Find out where the others are.

♪ When you feel all

♪ Alone... ♪

Fucking hell!

♪ Now I've come back down again

♪ It's worse than it was before... ♪

-What're they doing, all sat together? -Who?

Mary...

Shit, they're good.

Do y'know what, I've seen hundreds of bands like this.

You know, technically they're OK.

But they're not... they're not saying anything,

They're not doing anything new.

We shouldn't sing Waterloo.

We should do the menopause song you and Kitty wrote.

-We haven't practised it! -Yes, we have! - Ish. - I agree.

We might as well be properly unashamedly punk

and not give a shit if it's not perfect!

-And if they don't like it... -BOTH: - Fuck 'em.

-Is this the vodka speaking? -What if it is?

You're on in five, Riot Women.

The last two acts before you have now officially dropped out

due to technical issues,

so I've just got Mr Toplis and his Magical Musical... Kittens.

-And then you're on. -You're kidding! -I need the toilet!

Yeah, I-I-I'm fine. This is the song I know best,

it's the one she's always belting out around the house.

-Are you all sure about this? We're not doing Waterloo? -No.

-No, we're not. -And there's no moves, cos we've never invented any.

So just go for it, just give it loads of welly on the chorus.

I can't believe I'm doing this in front of Tricia and Graham.

-Fearne's parents. -What about me?

I've got to do it in front of Chloe and fucking Inez!

They're out there now,

sat with Auntie Mary and Dyson, laughing their fucking heads off.

God's sake, Mother! Stop slagging Inez off! Move on!

For your own sake, if not everybody else's!

What-what-what happened again with fucking Inez?

It was me dad being a creepy old tosser!

Coming onto anything that moves, including Inez.

And her refusing to see what a philandering pig he was!

So she'd rather blame Inez - for telling her the truth about me dad.

Or say it were about Inez setting up her own place

when it wasn't. She thought the world o' you!

Well, I can't say I'm any the wiser, to be honest. But, er...

You're on in less than 30 seconds, ladies! Come on!

Let's boogie-woogie!

-Oh, come, come, quick! -Come on!

Come on! Let's have this conversation afterwards.

DISTANT CHEERING

You can do this.

You're all right, come on now.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow! Absolutely wonderful! Wasn't that splendid?

So original, so clever, I'm a fan, I'm a big, big fan.

Oh! Right, OK.

The next act is the final act of the evening, ladies and gentlemen.

-AUDIENCE: Aww. -I know, I know, can you believe it?

-I never thought we'd get here. -LAUGHTER

I have to admit, I'm extremely excited about this.

And they were one of the first acts to sign up.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's the Riot Women!

CHEERING

WHISTLING

Thanks. Thank you.

AUDIENCE QUIETENS

WOLF-WHISTLE

-Fuck off! -Oh, inappropriate.

We were going to do a cover of an Abba song

but we've changed our minds.

We're going to do a song that me and Beth wrote last week, so,

it might not be up to much. We might have to make it up as we go along.

-Woo! -Join in if you want.

Oh...

It's about the menopause.

Yeah! SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Woo!

LAUGHTER

Woo!

Yeah!

♪ I'm so depressed, I can't get dressed

♪ Having trouble hiding my lack of interest

♪ Blood stains pouring like rain

♪ Borderline anaemic from bleeding all day

♪ My time's waning, it feels like I'm fading

♪ Doctor told me to stop complaining

♪ If it happened to blokes, God only knows

- ♪ We'd be getting HRT from Tesco - ♪ Am I invisible?

-Woo! -♪ Am I untouchable?

♪ Am I unlovable?

♪ Are you uncomfortable?

♪ And I'm seeing red, red, red, red, red, red!

♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!

♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!

♪ Red! I'm seeing red, red, red, red, red, red!

♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!

♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!

♪ Red!

♪ I'm angry, I'm nice, I'm fuming, I'm fine

♪ Mood swings leave me feeling like Jekyll and Hyde

♪ Buckle up, it's about to get rough

♪ I'm on a roller coaster and I wanna get off

♪ I've got a UTI, I've got no drive

♪ Big surprise, my libido took a nosedive

♪ Night sweats, too tired for sex

♪ Lie awake thinking 'bout killing my ex

♪ Am I invisible?

♪ Am I untouchable?

♪ Am I unlovable?

♪ Are you uncomfortable?

Woohoo!

♪ I'm seeing red, red, red, red, red, red!

♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!

♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!

♪ Red!

♪ I'm seeing red, red, red, red, red, red!

♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!

♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!

♪ Red!

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

♪ Give me HRT

♪ Give me HRT

♪ Give me HRT

♪ Give me HRT

♪ Give me HRT

♪ Give me HRT

♪ Give me HRT

♪ Give me HRT!

♪ I'm seeing red, red, red, red, red!

♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!

♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!

♪ Red!

♪ I'm seeing red, red, red, red, red, red!

♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!

♪ Red, red, red, red, red, red!

♪ Red!

♪ I'm seeing red!

♪ I'm seeing red!

♪ I'm seeing red!

♪ I'm seeing red! ♪

Woo!

CHEERING

Thanks. Thank you.

-I'm so sorry. Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! -No, Mum,

-it's not that. - I shouldn't drag you all into it. -It's not that.

-It's Kam's family - they've all walked out. -What? - What happened?

Kam's... Kam's family have all walked out.

-What? -Oh, my God. -What?

-What? -What is it?

"Nisha's been involved in some sort of accident.

-"We've gone to the hospital. Your song was lovely." -I've got to go.

-What sort of accident? -Is she conscious?

-Oh, my God. -Right, I'm coming with you.

-We'll all come with you. -No, don't. There's no point, honestly.

It's better if you stay here. Ring your mum, love.

Find out which hospital they've taken her to.

Come on, I'll drive you.

Look, I'll, erm... I'll phone you when we know anything.

Oh, my God.

Do we have a result? Ah! Yes, we do!

CROWD OOHS

I can now reveal that in third place...

Oh, my goodness!

...it's the Riot Women!

-Is that us? Third place? -Yeah. - Yeah. - Yay!

Well done, girls.

-I'm 59! -Sorry. Ladies.

-Who you calling ladies? -Sorry.

-Do we go back on? Is there a prize? -And in second place...

No.

...Mr Toplis and his Magical Musical Kittens!

-Where are they? -What? -His kittens.

MEOWING

-And in first place... -Here we go.

I mean, it was always going to be them, wasn't it?

Ladies and gentlemen, it is the Living Legends Dance Troupe!

Oh, bad luck, kids!

Another day, another dollar. Off we pop!

It's been an amazing event, the very best,

and thank you to all of you. So all that remains for me to say is

I hope that you get home very, very safely

and have a wonderful rest of your weekend! Goodnight!

Excuse me, sorry. Excuse me.

-I was so nervous when we started... -That was so fucking cool!

-Argh! -Thank you! -Oh, my God!

-Thank you for making us all do it. -No, no, no, thank you.

Oh! Tom and Fearne and everyone,

they're all going to meet us down The Duke after we've packed up.

-Oh, Nisha. - Is that OK? -Yeah, yeah. - Oh, please, please,

-I hope she's all right. -Hello. Sorry. My name's Jenny. Lennocks.

My son's in Year Three - Lenny. Do you know him?

No. I'm a promoter. I find bands for local venues.

I didn't think I'd have my work head on tonight,

but I've got to say that was amazing! Can I talk to you?

Goodness. They were excellent, weren't they?

Really, really, really good.

-Gosh, she really can sing. -Yeah! -What are we doing now?

Are we meeting them? Are we meeting Kitty?

Tom, I was just saying, your mo...

Your other mother, she really can sing.

-Shall we get a shift on? -Yeah.

Oh!

-Fantastic! That's our neighbour. -Oh, is it? -Yeah!

Who cut your hair?

What do you mean? It's a haircut.

I'm going to have to go, lads. I'm going to have to go, Nancy.

One of my officers has been assaulted. She's in hospital.

Your mum's heading down there as well. It's one of her colleagues.

You'll have to see to Granny.

There's just me and two handsome men, then!

Right, come on, let's go.

You know, I was quite a looker, you know, when I was young.

They all fancied me.

Who was that?

-Dad. -Dad. -Dad.

What are you fucking dressed as?

Chrissie fucking Hynde, obviously.

-What's happened? -Well, they've, er... They've told me to hang around

in case doctors need any more intel, so...

-Yeah, but what happened? -She was beaten up.

-Beaten up how? -I don't know.

What did she look like?

-Blood. -Did you get her bodycam?

-It was smashed on the street, so... -DOOR OPENS

Shit.

-Evening, sir. -Rudenko.

What do we know?

-Well, she was stripped... -Stripped?

...and beaten and handcuffed to a fire escape

down Shakespeare Street, sir. Massive blow to t'back o'head.

She was basically unconscious when I got there. She couldn't speak.

Her bodycam had been ripped off and smashed,

but hopefully they'll still be able to get something from it.

And then the trauma team were here as soon as we arrived,

so she must've lost a lot of blood.

They've taken her into resus now

and they're saying they might have to transfer her to Jimmy's, so...

-Good God. -Yeah.

Think there might be some neurological damage, so, er, yeah.

Bastards.

Honestly, sir, the way I found her, it were disgusting.

-Is that the family? -Yeah.

Well done, lad.

Sir.

CHEERING

Too kind. Too kind.

Oh, my God, I'm going to have to get behind the bar, it's swamped!

Right, are you going to go and talk to that woman?

-Oh, yeah. - Go on, yeah, yeah. - Sure. -Do you want me behind the bar?

No! You go and talk to Tom, love.

Oh!

-You were amazing! -Oh, hello, Graham!

-Really, really, very, very... -This is Graham, who's Fearne's dad.

And you wrote that song?

Yeah, we did. We've written quite a few together now.

-This is Tricia, who is Fearne's mum. -Hello. -Hello.

-My ex-husband, Martin. -How do you do?

-It's nice to meet you. -Can I get you a drink? -Hiya, Tom.

-Hi, Fearne. Er, no, thanks. -You know, you remind me of someone.

Kitty, you were brilliant.

Oh.

Thank you.

Thank you, love.

I'm sorry that we didn't get off to a better start.

I loved it!

-Oh, Mum... -You were so good! -So good.

-Brilliant. -So good! -So good!

Who is it Kitty reminds me of?

Tom, I assume.

You were actually very good.

Don't sound so surprised!

You look really well.

You'll have to come over for Sunday lunch some time

and meet Kitty properly. Without this lot.

Yeah, I will.

-Oh, I need to talk to this woman, will you excuse me? -Sure.

The excitement in the room, it was...

Oh! I just... I loved it.

-I loved it! -Mum, do you want another drink?

WHISPERS: You know what, I'd really like to fuck you.

SOUND DISTORTS

So, have you sung in a band like this before?

No, no. Just, um...

Just a bit of karaoke now and again. Yeah, but, um, no, not before.

Kitty, can I get you something?

Um, no, no, no, thanks. I've got to go and talk to that woman.

And did you grow up around here, Kitty?

Um... Yeah.

Er, not... not in Hebden.

I-I grew up more like over that way, like Bradford.

Fascinating.

Ooh, and I met your boyfriend!

I haven't got a boyfriend.

I was sitting next to him. Blond hair. Friendly.

Oh, no. God, no. He's just some dickhead who follows me around.

Oh! He told me he was your boyfriend. I see.

And you've only been rehearsing for six weeks?

So, there's a lot I can help you with, if you're interested.

You've presumably got yourselves out there on social media?

No, Jenny, we haven't done anything.

We only got together for this talent contest,

and then we discovered that we really can write our own stuff.

Can you all stop pushing, please!

You're not going to get served any faster.

Do you want me to help you?

Yeah.

Thanks.

You want me to help, Jessie?

Go on, then.

Pint when you're ready, Jess!

I'll be with you in one minute. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh!

You know, you were amazing tonight.

You have to come and perform in my bar.

The dykes are going to love you!

Yeah, yeah, well, we'll see about that, won't we?

-Can I grab me some crisps as well? -Yeah, and if you shove a brush

up my arse, I'll sweep the floor as I go along.

And what do your family do?

-I haven't got any family. -Oh, none at all?

Er, well, yeah, there's me dad. But, erm...

-Anyway, look, sorry, I've got to go and talk to this lady. -Of course.

It was SO lovely to meet you. I do hope we see you again.

-Martin... -Er, could I just say...

I know it's none of my business, but I think it's important.

Tom's talked to us about everything.

And I know it's something you must find difficult, but I think

it's important for someone like Tom - psychologically,

you know - to... to know who his father is.

Is that something you might want to get together and talk about?

-I'd like to help. -Yeah, well, you're not helping.

And whispering obscene shit in my ear isn't helping anyone, either,

you repugnant wanker.

Oh.

OK.

Well,

I wouldn't fuck you, anyway, darling.

Not for any amount of money.

GAVIN'S VOICE: - You'll die in a ditch, one day, you.

Like all the rest of your dirty, nasty family.

Graham, are you OK?

I have absolutely no idea what that was about.

GRAHAM GROANS

What happened?

GRAHAM GROANS

What-what... what was said?

I just... I was complimenting her on her performance

and... Oh, I may have...

What?

Hinted that she really ought to talk to you about your...

...who your biological father is.

I'm sorry. I am sorry, but I do think, at some point,

for your sake, it's something she's going to have to talk about.

But, yeah, maybe now wasn't the time to say it.

Right, do you need...? Do you think you need an ambulance?

-God, no. I'm, er... -I am so sorry, Graham.

-Don't be silly, you don't need to be sorry. -Did you bang your head?

Oh, my God, it's going to fall out!

I've got a meeting on Monday with some REALLY important people

and that is going to fall out!

-Are you all right, Mum? Mummy? -Yeah, I just...

I don't like violence.

Excuse me. Sorry, sorry, excuse me...

-Where is she? -Not answering her phone.

Oh!

How's she going to get home? I mean, there aren't any more buses.

Not at this time. Not back up to where we live.

Maybe she's already got a taxi back up there.

But I've no way of knowing that. Not if she won't answer her...

-Are you all right? -Oh!

-I worry about her. -Why? She's not a child!

Cos she's vulnerable. When I first met her, she was homeless.

Just six weeks ago, she was homeless.

Do you want us to come back to the house and wait with you?

Well... Well, yes, then if I got a lift with you, I can

leave my car keys with Jess and I can text Kitty to say she has them

-and then she can just drive herself back... -Hang on!

-Kitty drives your car? -Yeah, well, she often does a late shift...

I don't believe this. Does she pay you any rent?

Yes, she does pay me rent.

Not much, but she doesn't earn much, so... Oh, God! I can't leave

the car here, it's got all the equipment in the back!

Well, maybe we could put it into yours.

Yeah, and you do realise that she could just drive off with it.

-Where to? -Anywhere. -Why would she do that?

What?

-He's been listening to a podcast. -Sorry?

There's a real-life crime series called Gangs Of The North.

And one of them...

One of them is about them - the Eckersleys.

Keith Eckersley. And his sons - her brothers.

And they're... Well, most of them are in prison,

or dead. But when they ran Bradford,

they weren't very nice people.

-How? -Drugs, money laundering.

Violence, torture. Shall I go on?

-Kitty's not like that. -SHOUTS: - She has just hit Graham!

You obviously don't know what she's like.

You see her through rose-tinted glasses, for some reason.

-I wish you could be a bit kinder about her. -Kinder?!

We came to see your show.

We came to see your show and she hit Graham!

Who's she going to hit next - you?!

I'm going to try her one last time.

PHONE: - Sorry, the person you're calling is unavailable.

Right, I, um...

I'm going to go home.

She can always knock on Jess's door.

And, um, well, she can't expect me to stay here, can she,

if she's not going to answer my calls...

Shall we go with you?

It's up to you.

Ah!

Great.

Oh, no, no. No, Inez!

-No, no. No more for me. -We're celebrating, come on!

You know you love a Negroni, Mother, especially one of Inez's.

Fucking hell.

LAUGHS

-Mmm. -Ah, look at us! -Hmm.

Eh? You and me!

You see, this is the healing power of your beautiful music, Jessie.

-Where's Miranda? -She's got her head down the bog.

-Weren't you keeping an eye on her? -No, I mean, she doesn't usually

drink like a pillock, does she?

Oh, my God.

I feel all emotional.

LAUGHS

Why do I feel so emotional?

Oh, my God!

It was SO good on that stage!

Oh! And then, shit, Nisha.

Fucking hell, Kitty!

Do you think... do you think he said something lewd to her?

That Graham? I mean, do you think that's what...?

Maybe.

Is that what...

...my Steve did to you?

Said lewd things?

I don't know why I never listened to you.

Oh, he's always had this silly bloody effect on me.

He still does.

If he walked through that door right now, I...

-I'd still fall it. -I, um... I feel emotional, too.

You know why?

Because I'm back here, Jessie.

In your place, with its big beating heart and...

...I love you.

I never stopped loving you.

Even when you hated me.

Well, I mean, it was just when you went broadcasting it to all

-and fucking sundry. -Only because you didn't listen to me.

I...

I was humiliated. I couldn't face my own customers.

Do you know what that's like?

You know, and then everything went tits up.

Now...

...you have to forgive me.

Ah, for Chloe's sake. For... for the babies' sake.

For all our sakes.

Yeah, the babies aren't half missing you, you know, Mum?

Oh, and I'm missing them and all.

Well, you know we don't have a massive load of room in that flat.

So, we were thinking, well, Inez - Inez was thinking -

that she could let her flat out and, like, raise some money, you know,

so we could get somewhere bigger - a house for all of us.

But, obviously, they'd need, well, we'd need -

we'd need somewhere in-between.

You know, so they don't feel like they're being shoved around

all over the place.

Oh. Oh, here?

MUSIC: Violet by Hole

♪ And all the stars were just like little fish

♪ You should learn when to go

♪ You should learn how to say no!

♪ Might last a day, yeah

♪ Mine is forever!

♪ Might last a day, yeah

♪ Mine is forever

♪ When they get what they want

♪ And they never want it again

♪ Go on, take everything!

♪ Take everything, I want you to

♪ Go on, take everything

♪ Take everything, I want you to

♪ Go on, take everything

♪ Take everything, I want you to

♪ Go on, take everything

♪ Take everything

♪ Take everything! ♪