Original subtitles

I'm off!

-Everything all right? -Yeah.

Just...

...contemplating stuff.

You seemed flat when we got back last night.

It all went so well!

Don't be offended if I make myself scarce on Sunday, will you?

You're a free agent, Kitty.

I just don't want you to feel you have to go out.

It's just, erm...

I've got so much shit to deal with right now

and it just seems a bit pathetic that all I'm doing about it

is singing some old '70s pop song with a bunch of...

...very nice, well you anyway, people.

People who I've never even met before.

Well, you're going down to talk to Jess this morning, aren't you, about work?

And then you'll have some money, at least.

And we're not just singing some old '70s pop song, are we?

I don't know if you can understand this,

but you know I told you I've been low recently.

Well, all this...

...the possibility of all this, it's just...

...given me something to really think about.

I'm probably not somebody you should put too much faith in.

Well, some of the most talented people aren't always the most reliable.

Yeah, but you don't know me.

You know, oddly...

...I feel as if I do.

I need to find somewhere else to live.

OK.

OK.

-Are you sure you're all right? -Yeah.

Just...

...shit swirling.

Well, go down and see Jess. Do you know where the bus stop is?

I'll find it.

-Look after yourself. -Sure.

♪ Let's start a riot

♪ We won't be quiet

♪ Riot women going to set this world on fire. ♪

♪ I could drink

♪ A case of you, darling

♪ And I would

♪ Still be on my feet

♪ I'd still be on my

♪ Feet. ♪

Where are my things?!

LAUGHTER

Where's that sledgehammer?!

-Did you hear me?! I said I'm calling... -Oh, you call the fuckers! It's 999!

-Christ, she's more angry than you when you're on your period! -Oh, my God, she's off her tits!

Do you think they might be interested in your little habit?!

-Look at that! -Jesus!

You won't be getting much trade around here, love!

This is at the owner's house.

It's in his driveway, Stead Lane, Warley, 4.40, Tuesday afternoon.

A Mr Gavin Peachey.

And he happens to be at home with his wife and it's him that's taken this footage.

He says he doesn't know this woman from Adam. His wife doesn't know her.

He thinks it's a case of mistaken identity

and that this is some sort of vendetta aimed at someone else.

So, does anyone recognise her?

Shrimp, isn't that your missus off her tits and making an arse of herself?!

-Ah, come on. -She looks like a woman scorned to me.

How come he stops filming her when she asks about his habit?

-Who knows? -Maybe he knows her better than he's letting on.

We'll get her side of the pantomime when we cop her, won't we?

Well done, detective.

So we need an appeal on social media along with all the other wanteds,

see if anybody can help identify her.

-Mr Rudenko, perhaps you could do that for me? -Jesus Christ!

Doesn't she fit the description of that woman in the supermarket other day?

-Red hair, leopard print coat. -Nisha, that was you and Holly.

No. She was a different build. Younger.

Right, that's everything, ladies and gentlemen, off you pop.

-Hi, Selina. Is he in? -Holly, go through. He's expecting you. - Thanks.

All right, guv'nor?!

Holly, hello.

I just popped in before I hang up my bits and pieces to let you know

that misogyny is alive and well in your division right now,

as we speak, alive and kicking.

Just like in the '90s. Yay!

-Do you want some tea? -Tea?

No. I just want to know what you're going to do

about the insidious toxic male culture that flourishes under your aegis.

How's retirement?

So, two days ago, downstairs, here -

one colleague comes up behind another colleague sat at his desk

and grabbed hold of his dick - seriously -

and went, "Ding-ding!"

Seriously. He's sitting at his desk, doing the call backs.

Next thing he knows this other fella's

fumbling around for his cock and...

"Ding-ding."

-Are you winding me up? -No.

Has he put in a complaint?

What? And get a reputation for being a wuss, for not taking a joke?

Course not. He doesn't want his colleagues not turning up

in an emergency, does he?

Which we all know happens.

To those who snitch.

Well, how did he react?

Well, he didn't.

First off, he's on the phone being polite to a victim of crime

and then, in the moment, he was like, "Did that just happen?"

I mean, out there on the street, some nutter tries

a stunt like that, you're going to deck 'em, aren't you?

You're going to rip their spleen out for 'em, but in the office?

-You don't expect it. -Good God.

It's repugnant. Who'd do that?

-What's his name? -Alec Rudenko.

Rudenko. Right, OK.

Well, I'm afraid to say I think I'd have lamped him one

-had it have been me. -Yeah.

Only he's a big fella.

It did cross this colleague's mind to lamp him one.

But he'd have denied it. Obviously. His word against the other fella's.

And then the other fella would a been the one in bother.

No evidence of any...

"Ding-ding" on the one hand,

but plenty of evidence of a fractured jaw on the other.

So all these things went through his mind

and, in the heat of the moment, yeah, he just...

...froze.

Well, we can't have that.

So...

Sorry, I thought you said misogyny? So, is this fella...

...what, gay or...?

I did! You're right.

I did say misogyny.

Damn, I'm sorry.

I misremembered.

It wasn't this bloke's dick he grabbed, that's right,

it was this woman's tits. Yeah.

"Beep-beep." Not "Ding-ding."

Oh! OK.

Yeah? Not so shocked after all?

Only a woman. Par for the course.

You can brush it off now, can you?

Sweep it under the carpet?

She needs to put in a complaint.

Yeah. She won't. For the same reason outlined earlier.

Right, well, Holly, the truth is...

You don't need to cross his name out,

it did happen and it was Rudenko that did it.

If I challenged every officer that had

a complaint of inappropriate conduct level led against them,

I wouldn't have anyone left out there doing the job.

I wonder why you reacted so differently

when you thought it was a fella that'd been assaulted.

Don't you find that curious yourself?

-How's the boys? -How dare anyone touch a man like that?

In such an intimate place.

So demeaning, so embarrassing, so humiliating.

So fucking weird.

But when a man does it to a woman, "meh."

Cos, well, it's natural.

Good looking woman - who wouldn't want to squeeze her tits?

I might have a crack at it myself.

Carl says that you've taken up playing bass guitar.

He did it to humiliate her.

He did it because he's bigger than she is

and because he knows she can do fuck all about it without repercussions

and he thinks that's funny.

He thinks it's funny to make people feel small and silly

and helpless and a bit grubby.

Because he's a deeply unpleasant human being who takes

pleasure from it. And there shouldn't be room

for people like that in the service.

-How's Nancy? -Oh, Mum? Yes.

So, this same officer, Alec Rudenko -

and I really would urge you not to cross it out -

he nicked 40 quid out of her purse.

Your ex mother-in-law, he nicked 40 quid out of her purse.

How? When?

You don't need to worry about that, I'm going to deal with that myself.

You just need to worry about this other thing.

Which was just as...

...humiliating and chilling and compromising and disgusting

for the officer involved as if she'd been a man having his wire pulled.

I do hear what you're saying, Holly.

I know there are problems.

And I know, despite efforts,

it doesn't always look like things are getting any better.

Tony, they're getting worse.

I can't believe we still have these conversations,

but the truth is it's getting worse.

Do you want the official response or the truth?

SHE CHUCKLES DRILY - Guess.

Well, it's nothing you don't know.

We are dangerously understaffed.

It's deplorable, it's miserable, but the truth is

it's a tough job and sometimes it's a dirty job.

And not unlike the church, it does have the unfortunate propensity,

now and again, to be fatally attractive to the wrong sort.

And with fewer resources vetting the people coming into the job,

yes, it's a problem that's been getting worse and not better.

Now, I'm one of the good guys

and I really do do what I can when I can, Holly.

But it frightens ME who we put out there on the streets sometimes

so I personally cannot wait to hang my lanyard up

and for this to be someone else's problem.

I'll ask someone to have a word with this fella. All right?

No, he wants sacking.

How is the online dating going?

Have you met any more weirdos?

They're not all weirdos!

No more weird than that feckless non-entity

you decided to start shagging.

Holly!

Bloody hell!

Could you not stay away? Was retirement so shit?

-How's your mum? -Hiya.

Rudy. My favourite human being.

Oh, am I?

Yeah, she's fine, thanks.

She'd like that money back, though.

What money?

That money you swiped out of her purse.

HE CHUCKLES QUIETLY

I didn't swipe any money out of anybody's purse.

I went down the railway station this morning

and me and my mate, Hazan, the station master,

had a quick shunt backwards

through yesterday's CCTV in that funny little room at the back.

From the car park, not the platform,

we all know that's bust and, yeah...

There you are.

Helping yourself.

CCTV in t'car park is bust.

It's all bust.

-It has been for decades. -Yeah.

-They fixed it. Last Monday. -No, they didn't.

You're bang to rights, Rudy.

You're there in black and white

with your pants round your ankles and your hand in the till.

Now, I tell you what. You give it back to me right now,

and the matter will end. OK?

And it'll never get mentioned again.

On the other hand,

if you're going to play silly bastards,

I'll be off upstairs and I'll push the thing just as far as it'll go.

And I've got nothing to lose now, have I?

Cos I'm out of here.

I didn't nick it - I'm giving you this to shut you up.

-All of it! -That was all of it!

Oh, as if I'd do anything like that.

As if.

Rudy? I lied.

That CCTV is still bust.

But I know you.

Don't think I don't.

And the problem is,

I don't know if I'm even eligible any more.

To enter the contest.

Now the... little ones aren't even living here.

Yeah, but you're still their grandmother, aren't you, though?

So they probably want all the entries they can get. So...

Oh, no, it's been really popular.

Loads of people have signed up, they don't need us.

Do you want to see me P45?

Yeah, I can do.

You see, this is the thing.

They put information on the notice board in the foyer at school.

And if I'm not popping in every day I've no way of seeing it, have I?

I mean, you know, they might change the date, or... or...

-Or cancel it. I've got no way of knowing. -No. Yeah.

I shouldn't let it bother me.

I should just carry on regardless like everyone else.

Not give a monkey's. No-one else does.

Did you not know she was gay, then?

She's not gay. She's no more gay than you and me.

Do you think you might be in denial?

That's out of date, love.

Have you worked behind a bar before?

So, I was in Barcelona for five years in my, like, mid-20s.

I worked in a couple of bars then.

Five years?

Hablas Espanol?

Si. Un poco.

So who was your last employer over here?

So I worked in this nail bar in Cleckheaton for a bit, but

it winked up and I don't know where the woman went.

I had a phone number for her, but last time I tried ringing it

it didn't work and... I always thought she was a bit dodgy.

I did wonder if it was a money laundering outfit for her boyfriend.

I mean, I say boyfriend, I'm never sure what he was.

-Right, and before that? -The thing is, I've not actually

been working because I didn't need to.

Because Gavin took care of everything, and I thought

that's how it was going to be so, you know...

-Right, what about a character reference? -Erm...

Trying to think.

Does Beth know you've been in prison?

Holly told me.

Twice, apparently.

That was a long time ago.

-Do you want me to leave? -No.

I promised Beth I'd give you a trial run, and I will.

Now, I've had ex-cons in here before and I'm all for giving people

a fair chance, but I'm not a soft touch, OK?

Does she know? Beth?

No.

I will tell her if you want me to.

I'm going to leave that with you, love.

Right, let's get your tax code sorted.

-Can you work this weekend? -I can do Saturday, tomorrow.

But this Sunday...

I've just got this thing at lunchtime.

But normally I can do Sundays.

All right, £12.50 an hour, plus tips.

How does that sound?

Good.

Have you been scrapping?

How's things?

Yeah. Good.

-So, what are you after? -QUIETLY: 2oz.

OK. Well, I haven't got that much on me, it's in t'car.

Where are you going to sell it?

-Does it matter? -No.

Just, er, be careful.

What, police?

No, you silly bitch.

Other dealers.

You don't fancy giving me a lift back over t'tops

towards Ripponden, do you?

Yeah, can do.

You look nice.

Shut up! Move your fucking chair!

I hope you've got enough lolly on you.

You still owe me, you bastard.

LOUD UK RAP PLAYS

YOU CAN DROP ME OFF HERE!

-WHAT?! -DROP ME OFF...

MUSIC STOPS

-Just drop me here. -What, here? -Yeah.

TYRES SQUEAL

-We's in the middle of fuck butt nowhere, man. -It's fine.

-No, I can't leave you here. -Listen, Spongebob -

there's something else you can do for me.

What?

I want to know where my dad is.

I cannot get involved with your dad.

I'm not asking you to get involved.

Just ask around and see if anyone knows how I can get hold of him.

Yeah, but, I mean, I don't know who.

-But, yeah, I can put out a few feelers. -Thanks.

Kitty? You're going to get mugged and raped and murdered up here.

Who by?

-By whom? -I'm nervous for you.

-Bless. -On your head.

Mind how you go.

ENGINE REVS

TYRES SCREECH

MUSIC: Dissolved Girl by Massive Attack

♪ Shame, such a shame

♪ I think I kind of lost myself again... ♪

HOLLY: - You could probably write a song

about most kids, though, couldn't you?

BETH: - I could about Tom.

Well, I think you must be a saint

for adopting someone else's unwanted child.

NISHA: You don't know if he was unwanted.

Sometimes people just can't cope.

I think his mum was... very young.

You know, tragically too young.

♪ Say, say my name

♪ I need a little love to ease the pain

♪ Need a little love to ease the pain

♪ It's easy to remember, when it came

♪ Cos it feels like I've been, I've been here before

♪ You're not my saviour, but I still don't go

♪ Feels like something that I've done before... ♪

SHE SCREAMS

KNOCK ON WINDOW

Oh, has it been raining?

Is Beth in?

No. She's at work.

And you are...?

I'm standing here telling you that she's at work.

I'm Margaret. And Michael.

We live at Lower Crofting, just down here.

We're neighbours.

And we just saw you limping down Beth's drive,

and we were just concerned.

Oh, I fell over coming over that stile up there.

You know, the one coming down from those massive rocks...

-Oh, yes! -..In the middle of nowhere. -I know the one. It needs mending.

It's my own fault for going out dressed like a twat, but...

I have spoken to the farmer about it.

-And does Beth know you're here? -Where?

Here. In her house.

No.

No.

I've broken in so I can steal all her old copies

of the Times Literary Supplement she leaves piled up everywhere.

MARGARET CHUCKLES

-So you're saying you're a friend of hers? -Is that a problem?

You smell of alcohol.

Shall I tell you what you smell of?

Does Beth know you're here? Because I'm not sure that she does.

Ring her.

How do you know Beth?

We're in the same rock band.

Beth isn't in a rock band.

-Is she? -Shit, what the fuck?

"Beth isn't in a rock band." Says who?

-I haven't heard anything about Beth being in a rock band. -Oh, OK!

Well, she mustn't be in a rock band if YOU don't know anything about it.

Yeah? Cos nothing exists unless you know about it.

Is that right?

Oh, my God!

Are you God?

Who knew that God wore a cagoule and stupid little glasses?

Is there somebody else in there besides you?

You tell me, pal, with your all-seeing eye.

-Is she really in a rock band? -Yeah.

I think we should call the police.

I don't think they can arrest people for being in a rock band,

I think you might be on a sticky wicket there.

-Why don't you try Beth again first? -She'll be teaching.

What time is it?

She finishes at three.

You try her then.

Would you like a cup of tea, lady? While you're waiting?

I can put the kettle on. It's no trouble.

You'll have to stand out here in't drizzle cos I find you offensive.

No, no, I'm fine. Honestly.

Seriously, you're all wet, love.

This misfit can dissolve.

No, honestly, I'm fine.

We just... You know, we just look out for each other round here

because it's very remote.

I tell you what...

...if you're so bigly bothered about Beth's interests,

and you're such a massive great know-it-all,

then you would know that she's been very low lately.

Well, did you know that?

-Has she? -Sorry, love. I'm talking to this fella now.

Yeah, she's been...

Well, how well do you know her?

We've been neighbours for 20 years.

And I do know since Martin left she's been...

...on her own.

And then Tom.

What about Tom?

Oh, well. You know.

He's always been a bit of a handful one way or another.

-Have you met him? -No.

He's coming for his dinner on Sunday,

I'm going to meet him, then.

Oh! Well, that's nice.

That he's coming over. Nice for Beth.

I'm sorry to hear she's been feeling...

So how is he a handful?

Well, when he was younger...

I mean, he's a charming lad in many ways, don't misunderstand me,

but, you know...

...a few incidents.

But I think he's very different now.

And of course he's... he's married now to, erm...

Oh, what's she called? His wife?

Er...

Oh, Fearne

Fearne. That's right.

Yeah. And what was your name?

I'll text Beth, tell her to ring you as soon as she can. All right?

Yeah, why don't you do that?

Ta-ta, then.

Oh, yes, bye.

Bye. Bye-bye.

It's Kitty, by the way.

Kitty! Bye-bye.

Yeah, and don't you forget it.

INTRUIGING ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

KITTY: Yeah, but you don't know me.

You know, oddly...

...I feel as if I do.

MUSIC INTENSIFIES

...clueless without me...

What are you writing?

A song. Well, bits for a song.

Ingredients for a song. You know?

Slapping it all down there, throwing it in the trolley.

Is it an angry song? You look angry.

It's about Chloe.

About all the heartache and misery and one damned thing after another,

right from when she was six.

Five.

Four! And now this.

-Yeah, I never had her down for a... -Fucking Inez.

You couldn't make it up. Inez!

I think that bitch was sent to the planet for one thing

and one thing only - to torment me

Have you been drinking?

Yeah, I've had a bit.

That's the short route to chaos.

Don't fucking lecture me, Jerry. I'm really not in the mood for it.

No, I'm just saying. It's a Friday night, you're going to be busy,

someone might kick off, you need be able to handle it.

I don't need advice from the fella who delivers the beer, all right?

Have you got a plastic glass?

Sure.

There you go.

-See you next week. -Bye.

Where's he off?

No idea.

-Come on, look lively. -Yeah, erm, thing is, erm...

I got this text earlier off Chloe asking me and Auntie Mary

if we'd like to go round to her and Inez's for tea on Sunday.

Well, no, you don't, tell her.

Unless you do want to, in which case you knock yourself out.

I don't want to. I just...

Don't you think for the babies' sake,

it'd be good to have some contact?

She made a choice,

and she knew what the consequences would be when she made it,

which is why she was so bloody secretive about it all. Right?

So, have you replied?

No! I wouldn't go without talking to you.

-I was just... -What?

It was a long time ago, what happened with Inez.

And it wasn't...

You know it weren't her fault.

What? Wasn't her fault?!

Telling the whole of Hebden Bridge that your dad was having it off

behind my back with anyone and everyone!

Humiliating me in front of all and fucking sundry!

I think you'll find it was her fault.

Yeah, but for your own sake can't you just...?

Just let it go! I bet you've got just as many punters in here tonight

as she's got in over there! More, probably.

Whose side are you on?!

-Fuck this! -What are you doing? Where are you going?

I'm going to play my drums!

-OH, MY GOD! -Oh, my God!

MELISSA SCREAMS

It's fine, you're fine.

This is nothing. Wait till you're fully dilated.

-What?! -The thing is, is babies heads are big.

Bigger than the average vagina.

Bigger than 79% of women's vaginas. It's a design flaw.

No, but that's...

SHE CRIES OUT

No-one told me it'd be like this!!

Yes, but if we told everybody everything,

no-one would get pregnant, would they?

Then where would we be? Better off, probably,

as the world boils and drowns. MELISSA EXHALES HEAVILY

Come and have a look down the business end, Daddy,

-before the fun really starts. -I'm good, thanks.

Oh, my God! Fucking hell.

-Jesus Christ! -That's it!

Keep breathing.

Oh, and you've got a little haemorrhoid popped

-out down there as well. -Wh...? A what?

It's very common.

Haemorrhoids, childbirth, they go hand-in-hand.

You mean, I've got piles? Like his dad?!

I'll pop it back up there for you later.

I can give you that little injection. For the misery.

-Would you like that? -Yes. Yes. Yes.

OK.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to be ripped asunder. I'm going to be split in two.

Jesus. I'm being ransacked and laid waste.

This is crazy, why can't we lay eggs?

I mean, I bet that's painful enough, but this is medieval.

Why've they not worked out something else before now?

Can you imagine the legions of women doing this in times of yore

without pain control?

Can you imagine doing this in the Blitz?

Bombs exploding all around you,

buildings crashing to the ground and you're doing this?!

How have we got onto the Blitz?!

It's the gas and air, they get giddy.

-Breathe. -You fucking breathe!

What are you writing? I thought you were getting me an injection.

I am, just got to go and sign it out of the cupboard. Two ticks.

You're in charge.

Will you get out of my peripheral vision?!

Does it... does it really not bother you that I'm, like,

324 years older than you?

It's just a number.

Look, I wouldn't have come and met you three times, would I,

if it bothered me!

-Yeah, but... -It's like...

...your vibe...

...it's not like a woman in her 50s.

And, anyway, I...

...I like people with experience.

RINGTONE: THE FLIGHT OF THE VALKYRIES BY WAGNER

Oh...

My fucking sister. Let me get it. Hang on.

How may I help you?

What rhymes with haemorrhoids?

Oh. Erm...

Lemon... woids.

What's lemon woids?

Well, "woids" is "words" in a New York accent.

And lemon is bitter? Bitter woids?

Like an argument? "Bidder woids." "Lemon woids."

Bit rappy? What else? Er, why?

I'm writing a song.

About all the garbage women trot out when they're popping one out.

I've got a particularly noisy one in at the moment,

-and it's gold dust. -Well, have you got a title or a...

A refrain or a...?

Shitting Pineapples.

Oh, we're liking that.

-Never been bettered. -Yeah, that's landing.

Oh, erm, droids. Androids.

Opioids - Opioids.

Lemon woids, haemorrhoids, opioids...

MELISSA SCREAMS

Thanks, see ya. Bye.

Bye-bye, bye-bye.

-She's writing a poem. -Right.

So...

Want another drink? Or...?

Or.

I think or.

But it'll have to be at your place.

Come on!

DOOR OPENS, SHUTS

Kitty?

WHISPERS: - Kitty.

Beth, I'm sorry I was grumpy this morning.

SIGHS: - Well, I think you're allowed to be a bit grumpy.

You've had things to deal with.

-So, did you go and see Jess? -Yeah. Yeah, I did.

-Did you have a phone call at all this aft? -About?

Oh, it's just these people in cagoules knocking on the door.

-Oh! -Oh, did they phone you?

So, there's this assumption from the middle classes

that I've broken in and that I'm up to no good.

And then the patriarchy starts having a go -

"Beth isn't in a rock band!"

And I was like, "Oh, my God!"

I had to stop myself garrotting him.

Why do men do that?

Why do they always know better, so categorically fucking better,

even when they just don't? So, I may have said things in reply

in the heat of the moment. So, I hope I haven't, you know,

buggered things up with the neighbours.

So how did you get on with Jess?

Oh, she's giving me a three-month trial,

see how I get on, starting tomorrow.

How do you feel about that?

Oh, I started to... try and write some shit about Gavin,

hoping it would turn itself into a song.

But when I reread it, it's just a load of swear words.

This is good stuff. I like it!

-Oh, surely you can do something exciting with this. -Maybe.

Oh, and I were thinking about you bleeding so heavily.

Would you like me to make you an appointment at my surgery,

get it dealt with?

-Do you want me to make the appointment? -Maybe.

"Fuck you, Mum".

SHE LAUGHS

-What's this? -Hmm?

"The one that got away." "The BOY that got away."

It's just another one.

Are you hungry? I can't be bothered to cook.

-Shall we eat out? -Sure.

Can I just have a shower and get changed?

'Course. Help yourself.

Wow!

Thank you.

-Tell me about Tom. -Tom?

Margaret said he was a handful.

Oh, really?

Yeah, well, I mean, when he was a teenager,

there were a few incidents.

-Like what? -Oh, nothing that unusual.

Nothing that a lot of teenage boys don't get up to -

smoking, drinking, hanging out with the wrong sort,

drugs and, erm, well...

There was an incident with a... stolen car.

Police were involved.

Thankfully, it was a bit of a wake-up call.

He was cautioned. Nothing went on his permanent record -

thank goodness - and after that, bar one or two blips,

he got his head down.

He got his A-Levels, he got into university.

I just think he did it out of boredom.

It was just...

...the worry at the time, that he had the instinct to do those things.

How do you feel about him trying to find his birth mother?

Do you know, you're the first person to ask me that.

You not going to eat something?

Do you know why he wants to find her? Like...

-Why now? -Not really.

So how do you feel about it?

I worry that...

I worry about what he wants

and what he expects and how it's going to affect him

if his mum isn't what he expects.

I mean, he used to have a terrible temper on him

and he can still be a bit that way.

Now, I always thought that that was something to do

with him being adopted.

And I suppose, from my own point of view,

if he did suddenly have another mum, as well as me,

well, I could feel even more redundant in his life

than I do already -

if I was being small-minded, which I can be.

Are you all right?

Kitty?

I'm going to tell you something...

...you're not going to believe.

I'm not going to tell you, cos you won't believe me.

I-I didn't believe it myself.

I'm just going to show you this.

It came about a month ago, and I...

I didn't reply for a whole load of reasons.

I didn't not reply, as such, I just never found the right time to reply.

And then last night, when you said about Tom being adopted

and Kam asked about his birthday, I mean, it's...

It's the same date.

It's exactly the same date...

...and the right age, the same sex -

two days old, same hospital you picked him up from.

I mean, it's not definite.

There could have been other babies that day that went up for adoption.

But I doubt it, not from the same hospital.

But the thing is...

...he looks like me.

And I did think about just...

...disappearing today...and not saying anything, but...

...you've been so kind to me, I couldn't not tell you.

And then I thought, "Well, maybe it's fate that we met like we did,"

and...

What are you thinking, Beth?

Look, I didn't invent this. I'm just telling it to you.

How old were you?

12...

...when I got pregnant.

And 13 when I had him... if it is.

What happened?

SOBS: I can't.

I don't... I can't.

-I can't... -Did someone hurt you?

SHE SNIFFLES

SHE PANTS

SHE SHUDDERS

"The boy that got away."

Is that him?

Tom?

Yeah.

Of all the gin joints in all the towns in the world...

...I wonder what made me walk into yours.

I don't know.

You don't just look like him.

You've got some of his mannerisms.

Like what?

Just the way you smile.

Your eyes.

The way your whole face lights up when you smile.

That's him.

Oh. There... There was something else.

What?

So...

...there was a letter on the piano.

And it wasn't sealed, and I shouldn't have... I...

I don't know why I did, I was probably just bored.

But I... I...

I read it.

-A letter to Tom. -A letter written by you to Tom.

And I... I'm so glad you have moved that rope on't landing.

I don't know where you've put it, but you shouldn't...

You shouldn't think about doing something like that, Beth,

because you are too good for that.

I shouldn't have read the letter. I'm sorry. I am sorry.

I honestly don't know why I did.

Are you all right?

Yes, I... I think so...

I think so, yes.

Are we all right?

Yes.

Are we?

SHE SIGHS

You weren't really going to...

...hurt yourself, were you?

I was standing there...

...ready to go.

And Jess phoned and said, "Do you want to be in a rock band?"

So...

Maybe you should go and see a doctor too?

Oh!

Oh, Kitty.

I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.

-Wow! -Yeah.

Woo!

THEY LAUGH

-I'm just going to nip to the bathroom. -Sure.

SHE PANTS

So...

Do you want to...

...lick my arse?

-Do I, what? -Lick my arse.

I'm really sorry, but it's...

GROANS: - It's not my thing.

-Isn't it? -Yeah. Sorry. I-I'm sorry.

I-I... Er, I thought we were doing,

you know, straight, straight, straight, straight...

-Wait, have I embarrassed you? No! -No.

I have, haven't I? Oh, no, now I'm embarrassed as well.

Oh, don't be! Honestly, it's fine. I'll, I'll...

-...see myself out. -Right.

You, you... You've got a very nice...

...bottom, but... But it's just not my thing.

So... thank you for the...

Bye. Sor... Thanks. Sorry.

See you around - no, probably not.

But...

HE SCOFFS

Could I just ask why you thought I... would be... into...?

W-Was it something I exuded, or...?

Er... No, I just thought... It was... It was one of your texts.

You just kind of implied that, you know, you...

You were into that, so...

-No. -No? OK.

Well, that is, er, very good to know. So...

-B-bye. -Bye.

Oh, my God.

Fucking hell! Who puts gravel on a fucking hill?

You can lick my gravelly arse!

MUSIC: Nothing Matters by The Last Dinner Party

♪ I have my sentence now At last, I know just how you felt

♪ I dig my fingers in, expecting more than just the skin

♪ Cos we're a lot alike In favour, like a motorbike

♪ A sailor and a nightingale Dancing in convertibles

♪ And you can hold me like he held her

♪ And I will fuck you like nothing matters

♪ And you can hold me... ♪

Do you want to get off on your break, love,

-after you've served this fella? -Yeah, can do. Thanks.

Evening.

-Can I, er...? -Yeah.

Do you want to go and make yourself a cup of tea, love?

Go on, go for it.

I think an apology mightn't go amiss.

Me apologise? Well, if that's what you think,

me and you have reached the end of the road.

Hi, love. What you having, sweetheart? The usual?

Good on yer.

Here we go.

Right... Pint for yer?

♪ A sailor and a nightingale... ♪

WHISTLING

♪ Dancing in convertibles

♪ And you can hold me like he held her

♪ And I will fuck you like nothing matters

♪ And you can hold me like he held her... ♪

VOICEMAIL: - Hey! This is Tom. Please leave a message.

♪ Like nothing matters

♪ Even when the cold comes crashing through

♪ I'm putting all my bets on you

♪ I hope they never understand us... ♪

What I'm thinking is, you don't have to tell him now.

We... You could tell him after, later, after he's gone, after today.

-Or... -I can't believe he didn't phone me back.

Well, except I can, because he never does -

because if it's me, it's not important by definition.

Did you hear what I said, though?

Why don't we play it by ear?

CAR DOOR CLOSES

-Shit! -Oh, fuck!

-I'll just slip out the other door. -Don't.

-I'm frightened! -Don't be.

-Hello! -Hello!

Hello! Aww! How are you?!

-I haven't seen you for ages! -No, well...

-You smell nice. What is that? -Oh, it's...

-So sorry we're late. -Yeah, we couldn't get out the door. - Oh, Tom!

Yeah, my mum rang, then his dad rang,

then next door came round about the fence - again!

Oh, and we have to be back by 4.30.

My friend's coming round to measure me up. She's getting married.

"Don't do it!"

SHE LAUGHS

Maid of honour. Nightmare.

What was Dad ringing you about?

Er, we might be going on holiday with him

and this new woman he's started seeing.

-What is she called? -Bonnie. -Bonnie, yeah.

Where's she come from? What does she do?

Where's he found her?

-Er... Don't know, I didn't ask. -Er... Bumble?

But, yeah, he's asked her on this holiday that we only agreed

to go on cos we thought he was going to be lonely!

-So... -Bonnie?

Isn't that like a dog's name?

This is Kitty.

I've invited her to stay and have lunch with us.

-Hi! -Hi.

Hello.

How do you two know each other?

Did you not get my message?

-No. -I left a voice message.

-Did you? -Several, and two texts...

-Oh! -..asking you to phone me back, saying it was important.

Oh, sorry.

Are you seriously telling me you don't look at your texts

and your messages?

-He's useless. -But you answer the phone when your dad rings?

Well, we were in when he rang.

-We weren't in last night. -Oh.

We were... out.

Hmm!

You can tell me now if it's so important.

Yeah. I'm going to.

-Do you want to sit down? -Sure.

Right, so, help yourselves.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

So, Kitty is...

Oh... Sorry!

I spoke to Uncle Nick last week.

He wanted me to talk to you about Granny's care home.

I'm not going to talk to you about Granny's care home!

-Yeah, but he just wanted me to... -Yeah, I know what he wants.

He's trying to get you on side to keep pushing it.

Well, he's gone even further down in my estimation than before,

if such a thing was possible.

So, no.

I have been through this with him, several times,

and we really don't need to talk about it.

You're paying for things that she doesn't need.

-I'm not. -Apparently, there's a bar and a library and a swimming pool

and a bowling green, so to me, they are...

It's a retirement village,

catering for people of all different stages in their declining years.

Now, she doesn't need a bar and a library and a swimming pool

and a bowling green, but she does need 24-hour dementia care!

The point is, she could get the same level of specific care

-that she needs elsewhere... -Yeah, like most things,

you pay for what you get! And this is her money,

money that she's been so careful with all her life.

So I'm not going to dump her in the cheapest place

I can possibly find, so that he can line his pockets when she dies!

End of!

OK.

That isn't what I'm saying. But...

I'm not cross with you, but I'm going to phone him later

and tell him what a rancid pile of shit he is!

Fair enough.

So, are you going to tell us what this "important thing" is, then?

Yes, I am.

So, erm...

Kitty, Kitty and I, we...

We've got some news for you.

And it's come as much of a surprise to us as to anyone.

Erm, and it's important you know that we've talked about it -

a lot - and that we're both actually very... comfortable with it,

and with each other, weirdly. In fact...

And it's important, Tom, that you understand

that we met by a complete fluke, honestly...

Beth, Beth, Beth, Beth!

We've always thought you were a bit gay.

Well, that's very sweet, Fearne.

But I'm not gay.

-Kitty... -I'm your birth mother.

♪ And the sky was all violet

♪ I wanna get more violent, more violent

♪ And I'm the one with no soul

♪ One above and one below

♪ Might last a day, yeah

♪ Mine is forever... ♪