Original subtitles

[RADIO TUNING IN AND OUT]

♪ I'm just where you need to be

♪ So grab your things You're coming home with me

♪ On top and moaning while you're boning me

♪ I'll curl your toes And then you're off to sleep

♪ Sleep

♪ What you want, What you need

♪ What you want, What you need

♪ Sleep ♪ What you want, What you need

♪ What you want What you need

♪ Sleep ♪ What you want, What you need

♪ What you want What you need

♪ Sleep ♪ What you want, What you need, what you want

♪ A little bit of dollar is good for me

[VOCALIZING]

♪ A little bit of dollar is good for me

[VOCALIZING]

♪ Yeah ♪ A little bit of dollar is good for me

♪ Make a pit stop Hit your hot spot

♪ It's a drop top Till your drawers drop

♪ The trouble with cops on the rooftop ♪

RJ: Power 98 WPEG with blazing hot jams.

Fat and flamin'for the new millennium.

Also getting readyfor the 5:00 traffic jam.

What, what.

Man, I'm living here along with the Kings of Comedy.

WOMAN: [OVER PHONE] How are you doing?

Hey, yo. Hey, baby.

WOMAN: [OVER PHONE] I just wanted to call to welcome y'all to Charlotte.

RJ: Well, I'm gonna tell you, I had some tickets for you,

but unfortunately you gottacome up here to get them.

WOMAN: [OVER PHONE] Well, I can... I can do that.

I got tickets.

STEVE: You must not know where this station is.

[ALL LAUGH]

If you leave now,

you'll make the Sunday show.

[ALL LAUGH]

Everybody wanna know if we sittin' up here bein' sincere.

Do we get along?HUGHLEY: Yeah.

Do we like each other?HUGHLEY: Yeah.

We glad we finally made it out to this mo.

We had to fill up twice.

Yo, hold on...[ALL LAUGH]

You talk about me? You talk about me behind my back?

Huh? [LAUGHS]Hell, no. Hell, no, man.

You know, today isthe last day you canpurchase tickets

for only $9.99,baby. Right?

Nine... $9.99?

What the hell is we, a chicken dinner or something?

STEVE: You can't see us for no $9.99.Actually, it's $9.98.

Yeah, them pennies is killingthem at the ticket office.

[ALL LAUGH]

STEVE: We ain't got no more pennies!

MAN: 'Cause you know us, we really coming up there

with Crown Royal bags full of change.

[LAUGHING]

Hold on. I got a nickel. Run to the car.

Nathaniel! Nathaniel![LAUGHING]

Open the ashtray and bring them two dimes.

[LAUGHING]

You know whatI wanna know about?

While you guys on tour,

I know a lot of ladiescome to the comedy show.

What you doing? What you doing? Get up out of here.

We got wives.All y'all married?

So, you wanna know, out of all the married men,

the four married men on this tour, who get the most juice?

Is that what you want to know?Yeah, yeah.

I ain't gonna lie to you.

Uh-oh.You know, I'm juicy fruit, you know what I mean?

[ALL LAUGHING]

[CHATTERING CONTINUES]

MAN: There it is, baby.

ANNOUNCER: Your host, it's the one and only

Steve Harvey![CHEERING]

[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Money, money, money, money, money!

♪ Money, money, money, money, money!

Charlotte, North Carolina,show your love.

♪ Money, money, money, money, money!

[CHEERING]

♪ Money!

STEVE: Before I get started,

as always, I'd like to saythat God is everything.

Without God,I wouldn't be nothin'.

[APPLAUDING]

Well, now that we donegot that out the way,

how y'all doin' with y'all country ass?

Yeah! [HOOTS][LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS] You know your ass is country.

Don't be looking around.

I'm country my damn self.

That's how I know country-ass people when I see you.

In the house.

Country-ass people 'preciate shit.

That's why I know. I'm country, I know.

'Cause I know, I know, oh, I know y'all been talkin' about it.

Hey, now, mister,we gonna be on TV?

STEVE: Boy, y'all been at the barber shops and beauty salons.

Girl, I'm going to see the "Kangs."

Get all my shit done.

I'm going to see the "Kangs."

Not the kings. The "Kangs."

Well, goddamn it, Charlotte, I got news for you.

The "Kangs" is here.

[CHEERING]

Y'all had a lot of good stuff happening in Charlotte.

Your football team had a pretty decent season.

That's, that's all right. Give, give 'em a hand.

[APPLAUDING, CHEERING]

You know, you know, you know,

y'all just got the football team a few years ago.

Now, you sitting there like it's been a part of the city for 30 damn years.

I say, "football team," y'all...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Your country-ass ought to be glad you got a football team.

[CHEERING]

Ain't no need to boo at me, y'all need some laughs

'cause I'll tell you right now,

all the news 'bout your football team ain't been good news.

[LAUGHING, APPLAUDING]

Rae Carruth!

[CHEERING]

What the hell was on Ray-Ray mind?

And little... First of all, just let me just say this,

I ain't here to talk about guilt or innocence

'cause that ain't my job.

I don't know what he did or whether he did or whatever.

All I wanna know is

who helped plan the goddamn escape?

[LAUGHING]

Was this not the ignorant-est shit you ever seen?

What was his little punk ass thinking?

Goddamn it, normally,

when you running from the law,

you wanna get a passport.

Go to Canada, Brazil, Mexico.

No, no. Not Ray-Ray.

Ray-Ray took his ass to Nashville.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS]

What Nashville, about 200 miles?

In a damn car.

What is your ignorant ass thinking 'bout?

Do you know who lookin' for you, Ray-Ray?

The FBI!

Go to no goddamn Nashville.

Like they ain't gonna spot your black ass in Nashville.

And where did this little retarded son of a bitch try to hide?

In the goddamn trunk.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But I know y'all couldn't even believe that shit.

Y'all had to be back in Charlotte going,

"I know good and well this motherfucker ain't in this trunk.

"I bet when they open it,

"I bet the son of a bitch better not be in that trunk.

"That little motherfucker is in the goddamn trunk.

"Get your black ass out that trunk!"

[LAUGHS]

I see some of y'all ain't laughing.

You kiss my ass, that's funny.

[CHEERING, LAUGHING]

Ain't no need to get mad at me, goddamn it.

I ain't shot nobody.

You know, I'm all for upliftin' black people,

but, goddamn it, there's some shit

you ain't got no business doing.

Now somebody gone 'cause your ass done trip.

Ray-Ray little retarded ass.

As a little boy,he had to be thestupidest son of a bitch

to ever playhide-and-go-seek.

This motherfucker just gonna stand on the other side of the tree.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Ray-Ray, ain't you gonna hide?"

"I'm already hidin'."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But I ain't mad at y'all, though,

'cause y'all ain't the only ones goin' through somethin'.

It's like that big movie that came out, the Titanic.

White people always runnin' to jump on some bullshit.

Did you go see that long-ass dry movie?

I did.STEVE: I kept saying,

"Everybody know what's gonna happen,

"goddamn it, bring on the water.

"Let's drown these motherfuckers.

"You know what it's about.

"What are we sittin' in here three hours for,

"worrying about this little punk-ass boy in jail?

"Drown his punk ass!"

It's a damn shame the whole movie was the Titanicall that long.

That movie had have been about black people,

wouldn't even been no movie.

You ain't never in your life

heard of 3,000 black people

dyin' at the same damn time.

I don't give a damn if it was on a ship.

And I know half of us can't swim.

But black people would have came up with some shit.

Ain't no way in the world you would've drowned black people.

And you saw the movie,

the band was playin' as the ship went down.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What black band you know

gonna keep playing with the damn ship goin' down?

Kool & The Gang would have been unpluggin' shit.

"Man, let's get the fuck out of here.

"Wrap that shit up. Goddamn it, come on!

"Wrap this shit up. Let's go!

"Goddamn it, let's go!

"Get that amplifier off'fore somebody fuck aroundand get shocked!"

You can't drown 'em. You know how creative black people...

All them black people on that boat,

they'd have been turning over them goddamn dining room tables.

They'd have been out there in the water.

[LAUGHING, APPLAUDING]

They'd have opened up one of them dinner napkins,

let some air get in it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

Poker, y'all. Three card maximum draw.

Don't get silly.

I got problems and situations goin' on.MAN: Concerns.

I got concerns that don't concern the rest of y'all.

Mmm, I'm gonna take one.

Man, I don't know if that was right.

This ain't lookin' good.

MAN: Let me see how I'ma try and approach this.

That's seven,

eight!

I'm gonna bet eight, too. I got eight.

[LAUGHS] Hold on. One, two, three, four...

HUGHLEY: You gotta go in your Crown Royal bag.

Seven, six, seven, eight.

Eight. That's it.

I'm in.

I raise you five. Come on. Join in or join out.

Oh, man. Uh-oh.

It's on me?It's on you.Come on with that pair.

I ain't got nothin'.

[ALL LAUGHING]

I ain't got a motherfuckin' thing.

This nigga's Thelma and Louise.

He's gonna go flyin' off a cliff.

STEVE: But let meask you something.

Really, do Ibring you out?

Do I bring you out?

HUGHLEY: Yes, indeed.

But does I bring you out?

Dawg, I ain't know what to do.

I gonna have to bring Marvin Gaye with me.

I need somebody. An expert.

I started looking around for another motherfucker, too.

CEDRIC: This nigga bring you out...HUGHLEY: This ain't me.

STEVE: The first brother that I'm bringing to the stage,

I have known for over 13 years.

You may remember him as the original host

of BET's ComicView.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

He later became one of the stars of Def Jam.

He's the star of the number one new show

on ABC entitled The Hughleys.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Charlotte, North Carolina, put your hands together

and show your love for D.L. Hughley!

♪ Oh, Sookie, Sookie now

♪ Hey, ow, mm, come on

Hey y'all Charlotte, how y'all doing?

[CHEERING]

Oh, sit down now. Go on and have a seat.

Turn that music off.

I love my goddamn job, shit!

Some people don't like their fuckin' job, boy.

Some of y'all gotta get up and go to work in the morning,

"Goddamn, how many...

"How many sick days I got left?

"This is some bullshit here."

We stay out real late knowing we got to get up early morning to go to work.

We try to estimate how much sleep we gonna get, don't we?

"Damn, it's 2:00, 3:00, 4:00...

"Shit, I better go to sleep. God!"

We don't just call out sick.

We go to the bathroom and practice, don't we?

[IMITATES COUGHING] "Hello?"

[GROANS] "Yeah."

Bad thing about working is,

everybody got a job,

and everybody got somebody working at they job

that's this close to you whoopin' they ass, ain't they?

[APPLAUDING]

They don't know yet,

but they this closeto gettin' they asswhooped, ain't they?

You be, "If thismotherfucker saysomething to me today,

"I swear to God, I'm gonna fuck him up, I ain't bullshitting."

And if you ain't clappin',

it's probably your ass that's close to the ass-whoopin'.

[LAUGHING]

We do shit different, like, white folk,

they quit a job and give a two-week notice.

"I'm quitting in exactly two weeks."

Black folk, we get to quit a job, it's gonna be a surprise.

We walk in four hours late, "Let me holler at y'all.

"Fuck each and every last one of y'all."

"You must have a new job."

"You goddamn right I do.

"Tell you what it is, you gonna fuck up my resume." [LAUGHS]

You can't fire white folk.

You fire white folk you best believe

somebody getting shot that day.

"I'm fired? I'll be right back, you sons of bitches."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You fire a brother, we be mad for a different reason.

"How come you didn't call me at home, motherfucker?

"You knew I was fired yesterday.

"Making me burn up all my goddamn gas."

Black folk care about their gas,

'cause we don't fill up our gas tank all the way, do we?

Just enough gas for the trip we goin' on.

"Give me two dollarson pump one, please.

"I ain't going thatgoddamn far, shit."

You ever been so broke,you gotta use that changeyou keep in the ashtray?

Don't act like it's just me. Fuck y'all. [LAUGHS]

Some y'all paying, "Give me 52 cents on pump one, please."

"What are you driving,a lawn mower?"

"Stay out ofmy goddamn business.

"Put my gasin the fuckin' car."

White folkand money they...

It's good thing they have it 'cause they can't handle it, man.

White folk get nervous when a bill collector calls, don't they?

"Jesus, a bill collector's on the phone.

"What're we gonna say?"

They done fucked up and gave black folk caller ID now.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

First thing we do is run over and check the display.

"Wait a minute. Let that motherfucker ring now.

"I ain't got no friends with no 800 numbers. Fuck that."

You ever had a bill collector on your phone

talking shit to you on your phone?

"Look, goddamn it, we have been as patient

"as we're gonna be.

"Now when can we expect payment?"

"Motherfucker, you canexpect paymentanytime you want.

"Look here, why don't you pick a date?

"That way, we'd be surprised together.

"'Cause I ain't had the money when you called last week,

"I ain't gonna have the money when you call next week.

"I'm telling you this 'cause I'm tired of disguising my goddamn voice.

"Ain't no Chinese people live here.

"That was me going, 'He no here, he no here.

"'He move away. He no here no more.'"

"If you don't pay, we gonna fuck up your credit report."

"Motherfuckin' ain't no more room on my credit report.

"What, you gonna staple some shit to my credit report?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We don't give a goddamn.

I'm serious, white folk get broke, you best believe somebody dying that day.

Black folk don't kill nobodyjust 'cause we broke.

'Cause that ain'tno new condition for us.

"You broke, you gonna kill somebody?"

"No, I'm gonna get my phone cut back on to my mama name and..."

Oh, we'll put some credit in a little kid's name, won't we?

I know six-year-old kids got apartments in their names.

"Latrell, scribble your name on the lease and come on now, will you?"

Don't nobody do shit like us. We know how to be broke.

Halloween was a fucked-up holiday for us

'cause you never got the whole costume.

Just the mask.

You walk around with a mask and street clothes on.

Wonder why the whole neighborhood recognize your ass.

Everybody wanted to be a superhero,

but your mother wouldn't even buy you no cape.

"I ain't got no money for no goddamn cape.

"Shit, I can make you a cape!

"Go get me a towel and a clothespin."

"I can't fly with this heavy motherfucker on, shit.

"I got to walk everywhere."

And we all had one of themcountry-ass grandmamasyou could never understand,

but they steady tryin' to talk to your ass.

"Sit down and now retch around and turn that...

"Retch around...

"You done dropped it. Now rinse it off!"

[LAUGHING]

"What the fuckare you talkin' about?I don't...

"I don't know how torinse shit off."

"You heard what I said. Retch around and rinse it off!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Then they got shit like Viagra for grandparents.

I don't know about y'all, but I don't want my grandparents fucking.

I don't wanna call the house.No.

You don't knowwhat the fuckyou'll hear now.

"What you doin',Big Mama?"

"Ooh, child!

"I'ma need to call you back.

"Papa done got some of his 'Niagara.'"

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

"Cecil, did the 'Niagara' take hold yet?

"Cecil?

"I'ma put these beans on till your 'Niagara' take hold."

When we was growin' up, everybody mama wore

that fucked-up housecoat,remember that?

Lost the string, had to hold it together.

"Get your black ass in this house."

"Mama, why don't you get in the house, looking like that? Shit.

"Everybody know you're my mama.

"That's why I'm fighting in school every goddamn day."

You ever had your mama come pick you up in school lookin' so fucked-up,

you had to pretend like that wasn't your mama?

Kids be out front, "Goddamn!"

[CHEERING]

"Who mama is that right there?"

"That's my mama. That's my..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Plastic all over all the goddamn furniture.

You fall asleep on that couch,

you damn near dehydrate. Remember that?

"Mama, I'm stuck!

"Get a spatula and some Kool-Aid."

We was growin' up,we always had to staywith your mean grandma.

"I'm going out of town, you gotta stay with Big Mama."

"Goddamn! I hate that bitch, and she hate me!"

Everything you did over at your mean grandmama house gonna run up her light bill.

"Don't you come in my house talkin' loud,

"you will fuck around and run up my light bill.

"My light bill be sky high 'cause of your little black ass."

Got them silly ass superstitions.

"Don't use the phone, it's a rainstorm!

"Lightning be gonna struck my house.

"Then my light bill be sky high."

"It's bad luck to openan umbrella in the house."

No, it's bad luck havin' a hole in your fuckin' roof.

That's what bad luck. Shit.

All this shit getting wet,

we'll fuck around and kill ourselves in here.

And I don't give a damn how bad you hurt yourself,

your grandmama won't never take you to the doctor.

You could break your neck. You don't...

"Broke your goddamn neck, huh?

"Lay down and take a nap, you simple bastard!

[CHEERING]

"I know it hurt.I know it hurt!"

We do shit different, man.

And I talk a lot about race 'cause a lot of people don't, man.

Racism exists.

People act like they ain't racist

and they talk all this shit.

Let me tell you somethin'.

People know exactly what not to say to not appear racist.

They say all the right shit in front of people.

They get home and say some fucked-up shit.

[APPLAUDING]

I think everybody should be able to say

what the fuck is on their mind.

I was not mad at John Rocker ignorant ass from the Atlanta Braves.

I was just mad when he made that bullshit apology.

Fuck that.

Apologizing. Every...

White folk apologize for shit and do the same shit.

"Oh, I'm not racist. I...

"I've had three black people over my house."

If you know how many niggas been over your house,

you racist like a motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What the fuck you doing? You're up for counting 'em?

"One, two, three. That's enough! Shit!

"This is not Harlem. What the fuck is wrong with y'all?"

Then he said, "I don't like 'em

"'cause they threw beer at me at Yankee Stadium."

Black folk ain't throwin' no goddamn beer at nobody.

Expensive as them beers is.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now, if he'd have got hit with an empty beer can, that might've been one of us.

"They threw batteries at me."

Black folk don't throw no batteries away.

Not till they've been in the freezer three or four times...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...tryin' to charge they ass up.

We are different. Ain't nothin' wrong with bein' different.

Like white folk do shit we don't do.

Like white folk get anorexia.

"I'm too fat. I... I won't eat anything. I wanna lose weight."

Black folk, when we get anorexia, it's on accident.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Somebody done fucked around and lost they job.

"Daddy, we ain't eating. We got anorexia?"

"No, daddy got laid off."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

White folk do shit forexcitement we don't do.

Always got to ski and bungee jump and sky dive.

Black folk'll never bungee jump.

That too much like lynching for us.

"So I'ma let you tie a rope around me and push me off a bridge?

"You must be out your goddamn mind.

"Let me do you. I'll do you. Fuck that, huh?"

We don't have to do shit for excitement.

It's hard enough just to be black. Fuck all that.

We have enough excitement in our lives tryin' to do regular shit.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

They talk to you at work,

"What are you gonna do for excitement today?"

"I'ma drive past the police and try not to get my ass whooped."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I'ma fill out this loan application that's been denied 50 times.

"Then I'ma pull my wallet out and hope I don't get shot 41 times.

"That's what the fuck I'm gonna do."

[APPLAUDING, CHEERING]

If I drop my wallet in front of the police, I know the rules now.

I will not pick that motherfucker up.

I'll kick it all the way home. Fuck that!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We do shit different, man.

God never put a morebeautiful thing on Earththan a black woman,

I swear to God, boy.

I've been married 14 years.

Before you get married,

you get all the fucking sex you want.

After you get married, you're on some kind of goddamn ration.

"I don't feel like it. I got a headache!"

"Girl, I don't even wanna fuck with your head.

"Shit, you...

"You could stay asleep for all I give a goddamn."

Every woman in here done woke up before,

"What you doin' back there?"

"Nothin', but I'll be finished in a minute now."

Turn around. You done fucked my concentration up."

[LAUGHING]

You ever noticethe freakier the shityou done the night before,

the harder it isto find your drawersthe next morning?

You had donesome freaky shit,

they ain't neverby the side of the bedwhere you left.

They rolled upin the cupboardsome goddamn way.

"What they doin' in the ceiling fan?"

"You the one who wanted to play helicopter man.

"Now get my panties down before them kids come up in here."

And I know we hard on y'all,

but y'all don't make it easy on yourself

asking dumb-ass questions. You're like,

"Why don't you like to take a shower with me?"

"'Cause I hate to be in the back of the fucking shower

"freezing to death, that's why.

"It ain't your job to block all the hot water, shit."

"How come you don't hold me when we finish makin' love?"

"'Cause it's hot! Move!

"Get off me. Get off me!"

"Why you always make me sleep in the wet spot?"

"'Cause that's your side."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"How come I always got to get the wash rag?"

"Girl, I don't need no wash rag.

"My nuts can air dry."

Did you ever leave that wash rag on the nightstand?

Your kids come in. "Your wash rag on the nightstand."

"Give me that goddamn wash rag.

"Get the fuck out of my room."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You ever fuck around and have an orgasm too quick?

Women act like you done broke the law. "You ain't shit!"

[LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLES]

"Yeah, but I ain't horny no more either, am I?

You could've came just like I did.

You fuck around with that foreplay bullshit.

I got right to the point.

Besides, girl, I just wanted to knock that first one out of the way.

Now I'm gonna tear that ass up.

"You don't know who you fuckin' with, girl.

"I'll work you like a part-time job."

[SNORING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Is it morning already?"

"Yes, you selfish motherfucker."

Kids mess up the fucking too.

You got kids,you ain't getting nonetill the kids go to sleep.

"Wait till the kids sleep.

"Is the door locked? Them kids asleep?"

Kids know you wanna get some,

they never take theyblack ass to sleep.

They stay up late drinking coffee, taking NoDoz.

A woman's biggest fear is that they gonna catch 'em fucking, aren't they?

Hard to explain to your child how come mama ass was in the air.

You know they gonna catch you.

One day that door gonna creak open.

[IMITATES DOOR CREAKING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Get off my mama!

"You get off my mama!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I got three kids.

Two girls and one little boy. What is it about little boys?

They don't even try to wipe they ass,

they just shit and get up.

"Daddy, I'm finished."

"Son, you ain't even gonna attempt to wipe your ass?"

"You gonna be an itchy ass motherfucker."

Always walking around, "my booty itch!"

"'Cause it's chock-full of shit, son."

Won't wipe their ass.Only want drawerswith superheroes on them.

Pokemon be shittier than a motherfucker.

"Which one is that?" "I guess that's shitty man, little nasty."

Shouldn't talk about little boys

'cause they grow up to become men who don't wipe their ass.

They're goddamn good. I don't give a fuck how cool you are,

every man in here done had a shitty day.

You know that day when you ain't wipe your ass as good as you thought did.

You take them drawers off, whoo-hoo!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She ain't about to see these motherfuckers.

You try to put it waydown at the bottomof the dirty clothes.

You can tell when shefind them on wash day.

"What the fuck is this?

"You such a man, learn to wipe your ass!"

I don't know what women laughin' at,

like y'all don't never do no nasty shit.

Y'all don't never leave no panties soakin' in the sink.

That's the nastiest shit in the world.

"Would you move these motherfuckers?

"I'd like to brush my goddamn teeth."

They don't soak the sexy panties,

just the big-ass period panties.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Panties go fromhere to here.

You think it's a goddamnpillow case in the sinkor some shit.

Maybe that's just in my house.

No, I believe in God.

Don't nobody love Godlike black folk.Black folk love us some God.

We do, boy.

[APPLAUDING]

Jesus was blackand you can...

If Jesus was black,the apostles were black.

There were no 12 white menfollowing no brother.

Unless they was the police and Jesus had a warrant, huh?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They didn't have to describeJesus to me for meto know he was black.

Jesus' first miracle was turning water to wine at a wedding.

Now if that ain't black folk shit, I don't know what is.

"Lord, we done ran out of wine."

"Well, y'all know, normally I don't do this, but, uh,

"go ahead, keep the party going."

How you doin', man? Look like a broke-ass rapper right there.

MC Such-and-Such. Ain't that a bitch?

With that Charlie Brown sweater on.

[LAUGHING]

I'm sorry. I meant,"Wah, wah, wah,wah, wah, wah."

This motherfucker,grown-ass mangot Garanimals on.

Ain't that a bitch?

That sweater's so tight, got a little snap between the legs.

[LAUGHING]

And what youlaughin' at with themthick-ass glasses on?

You could've watchedthe show fromFayetteville, huh?

[LAUGHING]

Glasses that thick, I hope you ain't got no job where you supposed to see.

Lord, please don't beno school bus driver.

You'd be runningover the kids.Boom, boom, boom.

You probably have to haveprescription windshieldsin your bus.

Kids going, "My head hurtwhen I ride with him."

How you doin', man?HUGHLEY: How you doin'?

Look at that girl.You got some big-ass eyes.

I keep thinkin'somebody behind me, shit.

How the hell you sleepwith eyes that big?

"I... I can't closemy eyes all the way.

"I'm so tired. So, so tired."

You shouldn't have eyelids. You have mini-blinds, huh?

Look at the girlnext to her, all that red.

Girl look like a pack of Kool-Aid, don't she?

[LAUGHING]

Hey, Kool-Aid!

And how you doing, Pebbles?

[BABBLING]

Thought she was in Thundercat or some shit like that.

How are you doing, bro?The Members Only coat on.

[LAUGHING]

Goddamn![LAUGHING]

Goddamn!

You got to dig way inthe back of your closetfor a coat that old.

It probably came with an eight-track tape, huh?

And look at the girl next to him. All that goddamn hair.

Got a finger weave,a press-n-curl and a perm.

[LAUGHING]

I ain't gonna fuck with you, man. How long you been out?

You don't getno muscles like thatin no health club.

You get muscleslike that trying to keepa motherfucker off you.

"I ain't gonnabe no bitch!"

Oh, shit, who isthe brother withthe blonde hair?

Ain't that a bitch?

Like somebody whoopedyour ass with a bottleof peroxide, huh?

Goddamn.

You got some big-ass teeth, goddamn!

Teeth that big, your birthday got to be on Easter, huh?

You go to the dentistfor braces, he put a gatearound your mouth, huh?

You better not evergo down on no womanwith teeth that big.

Fuck around and givesome girl a hysterectomy.

[LAUGHING]

"I can't have no kids!

"You done scratched my uterus, you son of a bitch!"

Charlotte, y'all been great.I'ma holler at ya later.

[CHEERING, APPLAUDING]

That's the gangster of love, right there.

That the one gonna be onstage tonight.

Cover that up. It's like the Hope diamond.

The rest of the gear has gone down to the pressing.

We'll put it, it'll come back in.

We'll coordinate the whole thing. Shoes, chocolate brown hat.

Hit the stage tonight clean.

[ATTEMPTS WHISTLING]

I can't whistle, but that's how clean I'll be.

Maybe next time. Maybe next movie for you.

Who knows?

This the suit that didn't make it. Sorry, buddy.

As the show's going on, and you know, I'm preparing,

you know, getting into my zone, trying to do things.

You know, I go through a lot of different things.

And it's a...

Just... You know, it's a metamorphosis.

This is a nice sanctuary for me.

Kinda get in here and you work out and loosen up.

[SINGING IN LATIN]

[CLEARS THROAT] That was another life.

Backstage is usually an overrated experience.

♪ We're gonna have a funky good time

♪ We're gonna have a funky good time

♪ We're gonna have a funky good time

♪ Take it, my friends

♪ We gotta take you higher

♪ Uh, ow!

♪ All right

♪ We gotta take you higher

♪ Uh! Yeah!

♪ Yeah, brother

Uh-huh.

Boy, y'all act like y'all don't know nothin' 'bout that.

Charlotte, that's old school.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

If you ain't old school,

you don't really know what's happening.

That ain't sayin' nothin' against hip-hop.

It's just I'm old school to my heart.

I ain't convertin' over.

See, you know, hip-hop don't do...

Hip-hop don't sing about love no more.

Nope.STEVE: Without love

your ass is lacking major shit in your life.

Your punk ass running around

talking about all the women you got.

If your ass ain't in love,

your ass done missed the whole ship.

That's what I love about old school.

They sang about love.

[APPLAUDING]

Shit, right there.

Hip-hop done lost they damn mind sometimes. You know it.

"I'll shoot you in your chest. I'll wet ya."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I don't wanna hear no shit about me gettin' shot in the chest,

my goddamn T-shirt wet.

I'd rather have my T-shirt wet from making love.

I don't wanna get shot to get wet.

That's the problem. They done gave up on love.

The thing about old school,

old school players

work with one mic.

I don't care how many of them it was, wasn't but one mic.

Five Temptations, one mic.

I don't give a damn what they did,

they came back to the mic.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

♪ Shoo-doo

[APPLAUDING]

♪ Shoo-doo

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

♪ Shoo-doo

Shit ain't like that no more.

Stinkin'-ass rappers make me sick.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Everybody on the goddamn stage got a mic.

Forty motherfuckin' people.

All of 'em got a mic. Motherfucker, why?

We can't even understand what one of your ass is sayin'.

How you done gave everybody a goddamn mic?

You ever been to a rap concert?

[SHOUTING GIBBERISH]

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Motherfuckers!

[GIBBERISH CONTINUES]

[CHEERING]

Yeah, boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah!

[GIBBERISH CONTINUES]

[APPLAUDING]

The hell is you talkin' about?

What are you talkin' about?

And you know what I really don't like about a rap show?

You ever been to a rap concert?

Too many goddamn instructions.

Everybody got to do something.

"Everybody pump it up, pump it up!

"Pump it up, pump it up!

"Everybody stand up, stand up!

"Put your hands in the air, wave 'em like you just don't care!

"Everybody say 'ho'!"

AUDIENCE: Ho!

"Pump it up, pump it up!Ho! Somebody scream!"

[AUDIENCE SCREAMS]

Motherfucker, for what?

[LAUGHING]

I paid $38.50.

Goddamn it, you scream.

[LAUGHING, APPLAUDING]

You ain't gonna work my ass half to death.

I came here to enjoy the show.

I don't wanna help out.

That's what I don't like about that shit.

Rap, man.

They done quit singing about love.

I'm telling you something.

If you don't get into old school, you done missed it.

See, I'm a '74 brother...[APPLAUDING]

...to the bottomof my heart.

Glenville High School,Cleveland, Ohio, 1974.

When music was music.

We had songs back then,

as soon as you hear 'em, your ass just lit up.

See, me, I'm an Earth Wind & Fire man.

[MUSIC BEGINS]

[CHEERING]

Come on, y'all.

Oh...

You can't tell me that don't feel good.

♪ Would you mind

♪ If I touched, if I kissed If I held you tight

♪ In the morning light, ah

Everybody!

♪ Would you mind

These is lyrics. Goddamn it, sing it!

♪ If I say how I feel till you leave tonight

♪ Again 'cause I

♪ Never ever

♪ Felt this way

♪ In my heart before

♪ Whoa, whoa, love

♪ Has found a way

♪ In my heart tonight

STEVE: That's music, y'all. That's real music right there.

[CHEERING]

See, if your assain't feelin' this,

I really don't give a damn.

If you ain't feelin' it, then, damn it, this ain't for you.

We had songs back then,

when you heardthe very beginning,

your ass damn near blew up.

[DRUMROLL]

[CHEERING, LAUGHING]

Whoa!

♪ One day, child

♪ I won't have to listen to your lies

♪ Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo

♪ One day I'm gonna make up my own mind

♪ Shoo, shoo, shoo

STEVE: Come on, y'all.

You ever been with somebody your ass wanted to get away from?

[LAUGHING]

This song is for you!

Goddamn it, I wanna be free!

♪ I'm gonna be free again Yes, I am ♪

If your loving wasn't so good,

if your smile wasn't holding my ass,

I swear to God I'd leave your ass!

But goddamn it, right now I got to stay.

But goddamn it, I wanna be free.

The one I'm gonna give you now

is one of the strongest love songs ever sung to a woman before.

This, this motherfucker...

[CHEERING]

...has some feelings so deep for this woman,

this motherfucker cried through the whole goddamn record.

[MUSIC STARTS]This one here

is the greatestlove song ever.

[CHEERING]

♪ Girl, you know I, I, I love you

♪ No matter what you do

You ought to stand the fuck up!

Everybody stand up!

If you don't stand,I swear to God, I'll walk...

♪ Every word I say is true

♪ 'Cause I love you

Sing it!

Oh, shit! Sing it!

♪ Baby, I'm thinking of you

♪ Trying to be more of a man for you

♪ And I don't have much in return

Boy, this motherfucker's singing this song.

See, that's what songs used to be about.

You used to tell a woman how you felt about her.

But the problem now is,

you don't ever tell your woman how you feel about her,

but you want her ass to stay around with you

and hang on to your sorry, stinking ass.

But you need to tell your woman,

"Goddamn it, I love you."

[CHEERING]

My God! Come on, Lenny! Come on!

♪ I need you

♪ I love you

I didn't heard them, but did somebody...

[CHUCKLES]

Did somebody throw they drawers up?

♪ My love

♪ Makes me go strong, girl

♪ It keeps me going on

♪ Oh, baby

♪ I'm wild about you

♪ I'm just so happy about you

You can't tell me Lenny Williams didn't mean that shit.

♪ Oh, baby

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh

Yeah!

That's it, y'all.

So let's get it on, y'all.

He hails from St. Louis, Missouri.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

He is the second host of BET's ComicView.

He made his national television debut

on Showtime at the Apollo.

He is the costar of The Steve Harvey Show.

[WHOOPING]STEVE: He is the 1999

and the year 2000 Image Award winner

for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series.

He's in the house tonight.

Charlotte, put your hands together

for my motherfuckin' friend,

Cedric the Entertainer!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING]

CEDRIC: What's up?

Somebody, uh,

somebody said y'all was lookin' for me!

Here I come!

♪ Here I come, here I come

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!

What? Say "baby"!

AUDIENCE: Baby!

Say "baby"!

AUDIENCE: Baby!

♪ Dance, here I come The man right here

♪ The man right here ♪ The man, the man right here

♪ The man, here I come

What's up?

[CHEERING]

I see a lot of white people in the house.

They got theirseats all up front.How y'all doin'?

Nice and early. Y'all charged y'all shit, didn't you?

White people can charge tickets.

We got to wait on our check to get ours.

We ain't putting tickets on no credit card.

Now that's for big shit. The credit card for big shit.

You know, they all up front, too.

They got in they seats early, too. They came in early.

They know us.

They know we'll sit in they damn seats.

That's why they came...

[LAUGHING]

White people get the usher.

They'll tell when somebodyin they damn seats.

That's because they liveby a different creedthan we do in life.

White people hope things don't go wrong.

They will get the usher, because they hope

things don't happen.

They have high hopes

and if they were runnin' a little late tonight,

they were probably thinking, "Oh, my God. We're runnin' a little late.

"Oh, my goodness. I hope no one's in our chairs."

[LAUGHING]

"Man, I hope no one's in our seats.

"I don't want any problems."

Brothers, we don't never get the usher.

We don't need the usher

'cause we don't liveby the hope creed.

Black people got a totallydifferent creed we live by.

It's more confrontational.

It's the wish factor.

Black people don't hope, we wish.

We wish a motherfucker would be in our chair.

[LAUGHING, CHEERING]

I ain't lyin', my dawg.

Brother come in here late like,

"Nigga, I wish a motherfucker would be in my damn chair.

"As much I had to pay for these seats,

"I wish a motherfucker would be in my damn chair.

"No, that's us, right there, partner.

"Four and five. Four and five. Come on out."

[LAUGHING]

CEDRIC: We confrontational like that, man.

That's why it ain't time for a lot of stuff we ask for.

Talk about we want a black president.

Come on, now.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

A black president. Come on, y'all, now.

I mean, you know, we got Clinton. That's close.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He got negro tendencies. What up?

He on his way out. We can't handle no black president.

I mean...'Cause you know,what's the deficit,

like six trillion dollarsor something, you know.

You know black people, we don't deal with debt like that.

That'd be too much pressure for a black president.

Six trillion dollars, man.

He'd be sitting at The White House, man,

talking about, "Hey.

"Hey, dawg.

"Hey, man.

"Hey, tell 'em I ain't got it, man.

"Shit, tell them niggas.Tell 'em.

"Shit, man. Tell 'emI can put something on it.

"I can puta little bit on it.

"Ask them if they'lltake a postdated checkor something.

"See if they'll do that."

Black president, man.We can't handleall that insane stuff.

We couldn't deal withthat Monica Lewinsky.The black people,

we can't be under the eye of being a president.

We don't have nobody all in our business like that.

We couldn't have been the president

with that Monica Lewinsky nonsense going on.

Black president won't,

won't do all that getting fronted on.

You just jump up and yell our business all out.

We don't play like that.

Black president would havebeen at a press conferenceyou know, doing his thing.

Reporter wouldhave jumped up.

"Tell us about Monica Lewinsky."

[LAUGHING, APPLAUDING]

"What?

"Hold on, dawg.

"Nigga, what, you gonna ask me in front of my wife and everything, nigga?

"Nigga, hold my jacket, dawg. This..."

That's when everybody start leaving.

"The president fight too much, eh?

"He always fighting. That's why I don't go nowhere with him.

"He just like Anthony Mason. He always..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS]

Oh, man.

Now, I've been having a good year.

I was going through some things.

I done realized too this year, dawg.

I got a little year older. Now I'm a grown-ass man.

You ever realize that, player?

When you realize you're a grown-ass man,

just can't do little things no more.

Dawg, you're a grown-ass man.

Dawg, you don't play games with people, dawg.

You don't play... You know black people

got all these little nicknames and stuff.

Y'all hear 'em on the shout out.

You hear people calling on the radio,

doing the shout out,talking about,

"I wanna give it up tomy little homie,Little Pistol Starter,

"uh, my little dawgStomachache."

I met this brother the other day, brother named Daryl.

He gonna tell me everybody call him "Delicious."

Talking about, "Ced, you can just call me 'Delicious.'"

[CHUCKLES]

I'm a grown-ass man, dawg.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Ain't nobody callingno other dude "Delicious."

What if that nigga way down the street or something?

"Delicious!

"Yo, yo, D, hold up."

Ain't doing it, man. It's a trip, dawg.

That's why I don't likelistening to the radio.All these little songs.

Nobody be singingabout nothin' no more, man.

Little dudes just bewhining all day.I like grown people stuff.

I don't like all that,

"Thong, tha-thong, thong, thong. Thong, tha-thong."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's all good. I like old school singers, dawg.

You know what I'm saying? Jeffrey Osborne.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

You know what I'm saying? Frankie Beverly and Maze.

MAN: Yeah!

You know what I'm saying? Luther.

Big Luther, though. Big Luther. Not Little Luther.

I don't do Little Luther. I don't do Little Luther.

I like big, "curl ain't quite right" Luther.

That's the one I like.

That boy made all that money, and his curl'll never...

[SIGHS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

His curl never really...

Never curled all the way over, you know?

That was just something that always concerned me.

That was just something that always concerned me.

I like Teddy P.

Teddy tell you what he want in a song.

Teddy, they used to tell you in a song. Teddy...

♪ Turn off the lights

♪ Light a candle

If Teddy think you ain't listening, Teddy holler at you.

Turn 'em off!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know, you make sure that damn light out.

I know that, dawg.

I like that.

I like reggae music too, though.

I like to listen to reggae music though, man.

I like reggae music 'cause they,

they songs be having a cause.

Be an issue going on in reggae songs.

It don't be no lightweight stuff.

Come on too, dawg. They just be rockin'.

[REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING]

Watch out!

Watch me!

You gotta look at 'em. Look out now.

[LAUGHING]

CEDRIC: Hunger!

Look.

♪ Woke up this morning I was hungry

Pooh, pah, pooh, pah, pah!

♪ Looked in the cupboard It was bare

♪ Oh, no, my lord, oh, no

♪ Thought I'd fix myself A sandwich

♪ Had peanut butter but no jam

♪ No jam, help me now

♪ Peanut butter, no jam

♪ No jam

[APPLAUDING]

Come now!

There's a lot of little stuff happening in the news now, man.

People going crazy out there, man

You know, there was large groups of white folk

getting killed at one time.

Be nine of 'em.

Get shot at work all together.

You know, when you hear somebody go on a rampage,

you don't never really hear no...

You don't never really hear no news, do you?

No ten, 11 black people getting killed all together,

'cause we run.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Nigga, we run when somebody else run.

We don't be asking no questions why we running.

We don't know why we running.

We don't need to know.

We don't need no run coordinator

to get all the running organized.

If I'm with you and you start running,

damn it, I'm gonna start running. That's just how it goes.

Once we start running,I'll find out what it waswe was running about.

You know I ain't lyin', dawg. We be in a group, dawg.

You don't even have to be paying attention to take off running.

You be in the middle of a conversation.

"Yeah, nigga, so Keith and them..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Damn, dawg, you scared me, man. What the

"hell was we runnin' for?"

Y'all know I ain't lyin'.

Let about three or four people get up

and start running right now.

I'll be gone.CEDRIC: You know I ain't lyin'.

If somebody started runnin' right now,

it'd be a good seven, eight of y'all like, "What the...

"Well, what they runnin'...

"What they...

"Get Lisa and them! Get Lisa!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Ooh. Ooh, girl. They almost got us."

Meanwhile, white people walk right to the trouble.

"What the heck is going on?

[GRUNTS] "Oh! Shit! Holy crap!

"Why didn't anybody tell me?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Oh, my God."

[LAUGHING]CEDRIC: It's a trip, dawg.

People there, though, we used to have gangs.

They acted like gangs. They didn't do no drive-by,

shooting each other and all. There's no killing.

It was a gang, though.

Used to come in the club, look like a gang,

act like a gang,

dress like a gang, be a gang.

I mean, and they'll comein a club and generally

see somebodythey don't like.

And it'll be on.

Ain't nobody gonna get hurt

'cause they were break-dancers.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Do y'all remember break-dancing?

Break-dancerscome in the club,

see somebodythey don't like,nigga, it'd be on.

They'd come in a club. Nigga, they be like...

[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[LAUGHS]

World's gone crazy, though, dawg, man.

A lot of homeless people.

Everybody begging. I'm so sick of people begging.

Including my damn relatives, man.

I've been working on a new form of martial arts

for people that beg, dawg, man.

Just, you know,to get 'em off of you.

You know what I'm saying?This ain't no stuff...

Anybody can do this. This ain't hard.

This ain't, like, Chinese.

This ain't "Taekwanese."

This straight up, "Niggaplease."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[GRUNTS]

When the rose man come up to you in the club,

"Niggaplease"! [GRUNTS]

I get so deep into it sometimes,

I get into the Matrix on they ass. Nigga, I be...

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[LAUGHING]

Look, I been tryin' to play a little golf.

You know, we stretchin' out, black people...

We ain't playin'just basketball no more.

We all over the place.

Ever since Tiger Woods won a couple of years ago,

we out there tryin' to play, boy.

[APPLAUDING]

I'm out there. There be a lot of black people at the golf course now.

I call it "The post-Tiger Renaissance."

We at the golf course strong, boy.

We even makin' white people nervous, 'cause...

we be at the golf course wrong.

Ah, you know us. We out there with wave caps on and shit.

Niggas is wearin' Timberlands,

out there barbecuin',

tryin' to borrow people golf cart to run to the store.

"Come on, nigga. I'll be back.

"Ain't like it's your cart.

"Damn, nigga, let me just run to the store."

I like golf, though, man. That mean, but, when, you know,

we play golf, that means more things gonna open up for black people in golf.

You gonna have black players,

then you got to have black golf announcers.

See, that's gonnachange things. You geta black golf announcer,

because we a little moreexcitable about stuff.

We don't really do golf,'cause you gotta be too quiet.

They out there shushing you... [SHUSHES]

"Shushing me? I'm a grown-ass man, dog. I got to say somethin'.

"Tiger my cousin. I can say somethin'. I can say somethin'."

They out there shushin' you. Golf quiet, but we get too excited.

Black golf announcers start out right.

He'll call it regular at first.

He'll be, "Tiger Woods is about to win it all.

"The 18th hole...

"If he hits this putt, it'll take him

"to nine under par and the win.

"This very short putt

"should break a little to the left."

[MAKES PUTTING SOUND]

"Goddamn, dog![LAUGHING]

"You almost had that motherfucker, man!

"I don't know what to tell you."

We takin' over, dog. We doin' all kinds of sports.

You just seen Serena Williams. She won the U.S. Open.

Takin' it all, man.

[APPLAUDING]

We gonna be doin' all their little sports. We got 'em nervous, boy.

You'll see black people, next thing you know, we gonna be downhill skiing.

And we ain't even gonna need skis.

You know us. We'll be out there in church shoes.

Nigga just...

[LAUGHING]

[CHEERING]

CEDRIC: Next thing you know, we gonna be doin' equestrian.

Synchronized swimming.

Water polo.

Hockey.

I don't know about hockey.

I mean, there's a couple of brothers play hockey.

But I don't know if they gonna let some real brothers play hockey.

Like Nuck-Nuck and Pojo, them. I don't know if they gonna...

Hockey, 'cause you get to fight.

You know, hockey, they just let you fight.

Come on, now.

Y'all know there'd bea brother out there skatin'

without a stick,nigga. Just...

[LAUGHING]

You know what he thinking, "I wish a motherfucker would!"

Whoa, whoa...

[CHEERING, LAUGHING]

You know we can't ice-skate too damn good, so, you know...

I almost hurt my whole left side.

[LAUGHING]

[APPLAUDING]

Somebody get mea damn paramedic.

What the hell?

Summertime comin' up. Last year, I went to my lil' cousin wedding.

Y'all have beento a ghetto wedding?

You ever seen two ghetto-ass people that love one another

get together in holy matrimony?

Scary-ass sight, ain't it?

Boy, she was comin' down the aisle, man,

and bridesmaids, everybody got on, you know, body suits and shit.

Flower girls comin' down, ain't got no damn flowers.

Nigga, they... Basket full of sunflower seeds and shit.

They throwin' them.

People pickin' them up and eatin' them and shit.

[LAUGHING]

"Cold-ass weddin' right here, nigga.

"This a cold-ass weddin'."

[LAUGHING]

She done snuck some Luke Bassmusic up in the wedding.

Oh, she was comin' downthe aisle normally at first,

and they just broke outin the middle of the wedding.

She was comin' down normal.She had a little gown on.She...

[HUMMING HERE COMES THE BRIDE]

"Hey, girl."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And all of a sudden...

♪ Get on up And shake the booty

♪ Come on up, Shake the booty ♪

[BEATBOXES]

All of a sudden all the bridesmaids was like,

"Oh, shit! We about to make a little change up in here."

[LAUGHING]

How many y'all still smoke cigarettes, man?

Anybody still smoke?

It's hard on you, ain't it?

Hard. You can't even smoke cigarettes on Earth no more, can you?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Nigga, you got to leave Earth to have a square now, nigga.

[LAUGHS]

I feel sorry for people can't smoke,

where, you know, like where they work.

You gotta go outside to have a cigarette.

It ain't bad when it's been kinda nice like it is,

but y'all had a little winter come through here.

That shit ain't cute when it cold outside, is it?

You see 'em too. It be like,four or five of 'em together.

Nigga be tryin' to stay warm.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Be so cold, they only get like two puffs in, then...

How come people who smoke can't never find their damn lighter?

[LAUGHING]

[ALL LAUGH]

I like... I like the differentstyles of smokers too, boy.

You ever seen somebodyreal cool smoke?

You know, that player-typebrother be standin' outin front

of the liquor store all day. He be talking.

He smoke a cigarette, it's like a dramatization.

Get the little pack...

[LAUGHS] "I know, nigga. I know, nigga."

"Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS] "All right, nigga, I'm gonna let you go.

"Nigga got me right at it." [LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[BLOWS]

My favorite, though, is that old black man

that work on everybody car in that black neighborhood.

You know, you need a carburetor fixed or somethin',

you go to him. He be talkin' to you,

the whole time with his just hangin' off his lip.

"What you got there now?[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What you got, a Plymouth?

"Nigga, bring that fucker around here about 4:00.

"I'll put a carburetor You need a goddamn carburetor. on there for you.

"Nigga, I used to work down at the plant 15 goddamn years.

"Nigga, I'll put the goddamn carburetor on it for you.

"Nigga, just bring me a six-pack of beer or something like that.

"Nigga, well, you know what? You look like your goddamn daddy.

"Nigga, you look like your...

[IMITATES LOUD LAUGH]

"Goddamn, boy, you look just like your..." [SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

Right, just like that.

CEDRIC: You a lot of them space movies out.

White people like space movies.

Black people don't really do space like that.

White people love space movies.

They love movies about the moon and Mars

where they can be leaving our ass down here on Earth.

That's what they think. They think they're gonna leave us down here on Earth.

They're gonna move to the moon.

Ain't gonna happen.

Y'all move to the moon, damn it, we comin' to the moon.

Oh, we'll be right behind y'all in space shuttles

with Cadillac grills, nigga, just...

Just... Just rollin'. One headlight out.

Tags be all wrong. All bass.

[HUMS BASS]

Y'all know we can drive a space shuttle too.

That's right up our damn alley.

A space shuttle is long. Ain't scared of no black folk.

We can drive a space shuttle. We grew up driving long cars.

We could drive a space shuttle like it's

a '72 Deuce and a Quarter, nigga.

Man, we get us a cigarette.

We get us, we'd be in a space shuttle, nigga, like it's a '72 Deuce.

[MUTTERS]

[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]

[HORN HONKING]

"What's up, nigga?"

♪ Cutie pie You're the reason why

♪ I love you so I don't want you to go

Y'all know the only time we turn our music down

is when wegotta parallel park.

That's the only timewe gotta concentrate, nigga.

[VOLUME DECREASES]

♪ Cutie pie You brighten up my day

Damn.

[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Soon as we get in,we turn our shit back up.

[VOLUME INCREASES]

Yo, Charlotte, I'm Cedric the Entertainer. It's time I get outta here.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS]Uh-huh, all love!

[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]

♪ You're the girl Who makes me feel so good ♪

I'm tired of y'all fucking with us.

[STEVE LAUGHING]I can't drive.

I can't go no-fucking-where.

I go to New York, I can't get a cab.

What type of shit is this? You know, I vote.

I still get hassled.

You know, I been with my wife for 25 years.

I ain't got no outside kid.

But do I get... No, no, fuck that. I'm gonna tell y'all.

But do I have a television show? No!

I'll hold him back.

I ain't got no television show.

Why? 'Cause you scared of me.

[HUGHLEY CHUCKLES]Scared I'm gonna say somethin'.

Yeah, you motherfuckin' right.

[HUGHLEY LAUGHING]

You think I won't say somethin'? Let me tell you somethin'.

Y'all been fucking with me for a long time,

you know? But I'm back!

Shit, me and Jim Brown would tear this motherfucker up.[ALL LAUGH]

The comments made by Bernie Mac belong to him and him himself.

Now, you told me to saywhat I wanted to say.

White folks, I don't mean it. I'm just playin'.

[ALL LAUGHING]

'Cause I could do, if you'd give me a chance, I'll take WB.

I'll take UPN. I'll take USA.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Gimme a chance to show you.You'd take the Food Channel.

Sure will. TNT. TNT. The Bernie Mac Cooking Show.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hold on, dog. Hold on.

Hey, dog, where y'all going?

This a movie we're shooting.

We just can't have the front row empty.

Bring your ass back.

Hey, dog! Hey!

Okay. Okay.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[MOUTHS] Bitch!

MAN: Theykicking them out.

STEVE: Where y'all goin'? Who y'all know upstairs?

Did they leave their coat? Is that their coat?

Let me see. Damn!

That... Give me the coat.

Gimme the coat. Gimme the...

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Lady, get your ass upand give me that coat.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS]

Oh!

Uh-oh, kinda heavy!

Could be some hardware.

[CHUCKLES] Bling, bling.[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Bet this motherfucker don't know his coat on the floor.

[LAUGHS]

WOMAN: Steve, you so fine!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING, WHISTLING]

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

So, we gonna take a real brief intermission.

And when I tell you brief, y'all, I do mean brief.

So, don't stray far,

because when I come back, I'm coming right out.

MAN 1: All right,now or never.STEVE: I'm home free now?

MAN 1: You home free now.You home free.

What's the dude's name that I took his coat from?

Bebe.STEVE: You a damn liar.

[MAN 2 LAUGHING]Boochie?

He wants his jacket back. So he's ready to go.

What's the guy's name?MAN 2: He's got a funky name.

Booby, Baby Boomer or something. I don't know.

So, so, like, you can really mess with him on that.

STEVE: Okay, well, he gonna have come down and get it.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome back, and please put your hands together,

ladies and gentlemen, for your host,

Mr. Steve Harvey!

♪ Is you listenin' to me, girl When I'm settin' you straight ♪

[RAP CONTINUES, INDISTINCT]

STEVE: Hey, oh. Hey, player. [LAUGHS]

I knew you was gonna come back. Left somethin', didn't you?

[LAUGHS] With your cool ass.

You know, I said,"Sit back down."

"No, no."Yeah, I gotyour coat though.

That's his coat!Oh, the thug's coat. Oh.

They told me backstage his name Boogie.

All right, Boogie. What you do for a living, Boogie?

School. Computer school.Computer school.

Mmm.

Boogie, come on now.

Come on.

I asked you what you do for a living,

and the answer that popped into your head...

[LAUGHS]

...was computer school.

[LAUGHS]

Let me rephrase the question.

How do you earn money?

[LAUGHS]Computer technology.

STEVE: Computer technology. Boogie...

I know we shouldn't say this to one another as black people,

but you can't spell motherfucking "technology."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know, good and hell well your ass ain't into nothin' technical.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You shouldn't even judgea book by its cover, but...

There's nothin' about you

that says "computer" or "school."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now, Boogie, I got your coat.

How bad do you want it back, Boogie?

Just don'treally matter?

See, little shit like that, the coat don't matter,

lets me further know...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...what it isyou really do.

Now, Boogie, I'm gonna get off of you, 'cause it could lead to trouble.

'Cause you look like youdone shot four or fivepeople before.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

But you can probably kick my ass, can't you?

You the man. You the man.

"You the man"? I hear you, Boogie. I know that's right.

'Cause don't think for one minute,

you can just whoop my ass, Boogie.

You get that shit off your mind.

You can forget about the WB and these goddamn suits.

My ass is from the projects.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You fuck with me, Boogie, and my ass will act project-ish.

I was raised in the church.Y'all can't play with me.

My mama raised me... How many of y'all had to go to church all the time?

Clap. Clap if you had to go to church all the time.

Let me say somethin' now.

Don't clap if you don't really mean it.

'Cause when I say all the time, I mean all the time.

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]Monday night, prayer meeting.

Tuesday, Bible study.Wednesday, missionary meeting.

Thursday, deacon boardmeeting. Friday,young people meeting.

Saturday, old people meeting.Sunday, everybody meeting.

My mama made usgo to church so much.

I used to look at my mamasometimes and just say,"Mama, I'd rather go to hell.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"'Cause this goin' to heavenjust way too much pressure.

"Don't you get no credit for goin' last week?

"Why we got to go every night?"

When you go to church all the time when you a kid,

you don't really care for church that much.

So what you gotta do is, you gotta find little things

to like about church to make you wanna go.

And the thing that I had

to find about church to make me wanna go,

it might seem a little strange to you.

But the one thing that happened in church

that made me wanna go all the time was

when I found out

that there was people that cussed at the church.

That might not do it for y'all, but damn it,

that done it for me.

I wanted to go all the time, but it surprised me

who I found out cussed.

The person that I found out cussed at my church

was my mama's best friend, Sister Odelle.

Sister Odelle was 84 years old.

Senile, but she cussed, and I didn't know it.

And the day I found out that she cussed,

we was havin' a bake sale up at the church.

You know, for the building fund.

Don't sit there and act like you ain't familiar

with the building fund at your church.

There ain't a black church in America that ain't got a building fund.

We done had a building fund at my church since I was four years old.

Ain't put a doorknob on the damn church yet!

And we had this bake sale and Sister Odelle was standing back there

working the cookies and stuff with my mama.

And I didn't know that Sister Odelle didn't like Deacon Thornton.

And Deacon Thornton was about three people behind me.

I was standin' there, and I gave her my quarter for my cupcake

and Sister Odelle saw DeaconThornton and leaned overto my mama and said...

"Here come this sorry motherfucker here."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know what that do to you when you nine years old.

When you hear somebody say something like that?

So after that, I wanted to go to church all the time.

So I could sit next to Sister Odelle,

'cause Sister Odelleain't never let me down.

They be passin' the tray around.

"I don't know how much moneythese motherfuckersthink I got.

"I'm sick of this shit.I got bills inmy motherfuckin' house.

"You keep passin'this son of a bitch by me,

"you gonna fuck around,come up short."

And the other thing I loveabout Sister Odelle

was when they had that portion of the service that they called devotion.

Devotion. This is the part of service, where you can stand up and testify

on the goodness of the Lord.

Now, if you don't wanna testify, you can sing a song.

Now, if you're gonna sing a song,

the key is

you're 'posed to sing a song everybody know.

You ain't 'posed to do the oneyou wrote on the way in.

And that was my favorite part,'cause when Sister Odellestood up,

she ain't never wanna just testify, she always had a song.

And I used to just sit up in my chair

'cause I knew Sister Odelle was gonna give me one.

'Cause Sister Odelle was old and senile.

All she did was watch TV and go to church.

She'd get through with church, she'd go home and watch TV.

Get through watching TV, she'd go on and go to church.

So, when you old and senile, you gotta be careful,

you'll know, 'cause all that'll run together on you.

Sister Odelle stand up to testify...

"Givin' honor to God,

"pastor,

"everyones, everyones.

"I just came to tell you just how good my God has been! Hot damn!

"I wanna tell you just how good my Lord has been.

"I got a song. I'm gonna sing it.

"If you know it, feel free."

♪ I'm gonna tell you

♪ How good God's been

[CLAPPING IN RHYTHM]

♪ I'm gonna tell you

♪ How good God's been

♪ The weather started gettin' rough

♪ The tiny ship was tossed

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

♪ If it wasn't for the courage of the crew

♪ The Minnow would be lost

♪ I said the Minnow would be lost

♪ I'm talkin' about the Love Boat

♪ Exciting and brand-new

♪ I said the Love Boat

♪ My lord, a new adventure waitin' for you

♪ Hey, now we're up in the big league

♪ Got my turn at bat

♪ As long as you've got you and sweet Jesus

♪ It ain't nothin' wrong with that

ALL: ♪ I said I'm movin' on up

STEVE: He hails

from the South Sideof Chicago, Illinois.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING]

He was one of the originalstars of HBO's Def Jam.

He has a reoccurring roleon the hit sitcom,entitled Moesha.

You've seen him in the hitmovie, The Players Club.Bernie! Bernie! Bernie!

Whoo!

STEVE: He is the costar

of the movie entitled Lifewith Eddie Murphyand Martin Lawrence.

Charlotte, put your goddamn hands together and show your love

for the one and onlyBernie Mac!

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE CHEERING]

North Carolina!

[YELLS]

Hey! Oh!

AUDIENCE: [CHANTING]Go, Bernie! Go, Bernie!

Go, Bernie! Go, Bernie!Hey!

Go, Bernie! Go, Bernie!BERNIE: Hey!

Go, Bernie! Go, Bernie! Go, Bernie!

Here I am, motherfuckers!

Here I am!

Yeah!

Told you I'd come! Didn't I tell you?

Didn't I motherfuckin' tell you?

Sick of this shit.

What type of shit it is.

White folks in the house, goddamn.

I see white folks in the house, I wanna say first off, welcome.

Goddamn it, welcome.[LAUGHING]

When white folks come see you,boy, you successful.You somebody.

North Carolina, shit.

Man, you know, I'm so tired. I been shakin' hands all motherfuckin' night.

No, no, I'm gonna tell you why I'm... I'm tired.

Black folks shaking hands with white folks different.

Black folks, you gotta be in fucking shape.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Show me some love, motherfucker. Show me some love."

You be tired than a motherfucker.

Ain't the world bad? New Year's Eve 2000.

White man tell you end of the world comin'.

You son of a bitch went out and bought water, sardines.

Potted meat, soup.

Man, 11:30 you were scared like a motherfucker, wasn't you?

You thought you were gonna die for sure at 12:00, didn't you?

Couldn't believe when the thing goddamn hit, shit.

Believe in yourself.

I don't believe in shit until shit happens.

No, no, I can't believe fuckin' kids.

Everybody talkin' about kids.

Everybody talkin' about how bad kids is.

You know it's bad, but you can't say kids is bad.

I say it for you. These motherfuckers bad.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I will fuck a kid up.

Don't get mad at me. I'm justsayin' what you can't say.

You feel the samegoddamn way I feel.

Son of a bitch kidstoo goddamn smart for me.

Sassy talkin', heads shakin' and shit.

"Talk to the hand. Talk to the hand."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING]

'Cause I'm from the old school. I'll kick a kid ass.

When a kid get one years old,

I believe you got the right to hit him in the throat or the stomach.

If you grown enough to talk back, you grown enough to get fucked-up!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Don't tell me all this here, uh...

See, it ain't the kids. It's us, see. We some punk-ass parents, see.

See, we the puss-ass parents today.

We might need to go back to the old school,

'cause there ain't no grandmas no more. Ain't that a bitch?

See, ain't no grandma. Remember Big Mama?

See, Big Mama gone.

See, you a grandmama now, what you, 24?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Great grandmama, 36.

Talkin' about,"I ain't baby-sittin' shit!"

She got her hair done,nails done.Fucked-up ass hairdo.

I'm so sick of these motherfuckin' hairdos

with the glue on them that don't move and shit.

I'm so tired of that shit. You know I ain't lyin'!

Man, and you know what? Black women is different than white women, see.

White women go swimming.Black women ain't gettin'in no fuckin' water.

"This shit gotta last."

You know, black women, that shit don't last one motherfuckin' week.

A hairdo... When black women get their hair and nails done,

you ain't gettin' no pussy. Don't ask for none.

They don't even want no sleep. They'll sleep just like this here.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And if you do get it, youbetter not fuck with her hair.

[LAUGHS]"Don't touch my hair!"

You know I ain't lyin'!You fuck witha black woman's hair,

she'll kick your goddamn ass.

Man, black women...Blacks don't mess around.

We different from night and day.

We the same, but we do shit different.

Black people the only people go to work, tell the boss what the fuck we ain't gonna do.

"I'm not doin' shit.

"Don't fuck with me today. I ain't come here to work.

"I'm tired. My son got shot.I'm sick of this shit."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

You know I ain't lyin'! We funny.

But I like white people. It's not about black and white.

You know, but they do shit different.

When they go on break on the job, 15 minutes.

They go to their desk. They eat their cheese sandwich...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...drink their goddamn tea.

Fifteen minutes, they back on the fucking job.

My people, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with us.

I don't know what's wrong with us.

When we go on break, that's just what the fuck we do.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We break. You got to look for our motherfuckin' ass.

"You seen Johnny?"

Yeah.

I'm tired. You can't keep doin' the same thing.

Ain't your body changed? I'm 42, but I'm in good shape.

But I'm tired. My body weary.

I can't... You know. I'm sick of sex. Why we be...

I'm sick of fucking.

No, I ain't gonna bullshit. I can't do it like I used to.

I used to be good. I ain't good like that no more.

My shit is quick, fast.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My wife gonna tell me,"I'm gonna get a young man.""Go get the motherfucker.

"I don't give a fuck.Go get him,

"and I'll watch, I'll watch, I swear I'll watch."

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

BERNIE:It gonna kill me, man.

It don't take all night.To fuck all night,45 minutes.

Why we fucking for 45 minutes?

What the fuckam I trying to prove here?

It don't take no all nightto get no orgasm.

Three minutes!

That's all I'm givin' you.That's all the fuck I got.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, I don't care about youtalking about me.

"Bernie Mac can't fuck."Hey, I don't give a fuck!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Shit, but I got mine!

You better get yours.

If you don't bust a nut when I get mine,

you fresh out of fuckin' luck with me.

Talk about me all the fuck you want!

I'm tell it like it is! Three minutes!

That's a heavyweight one-round bout.

And people done got knocked out in the first goddamn round.

You layin' there, I'm pumpin' my ass off.

[SQUEALS]

"Stop all that hollerin'and bust a nutso we can go to sleep.

"What the fuckyou hollerin' for?"

[SQUEALS]

"Bust a nut!"

You know I ain't bullshittin'! You know I ain't... I'm tired!

I'm 42 years old!

Talking about coochie. Fuck coochie!

Oral sex! I'm sick of all that shit!

"Come on, do somethin' special."

"Bust your motherfuckin' head. That's what the fuck I'll do."

"Put your mouth on me."

"For what, you nasty somomabitch?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING]

"You ain't gonna put your mouth on me?"

"I ask you to put your mouth on me, you get a goddamn attitude."

If I want oral sex, I gotta give clues.

I gotta give hints.

"Come here and put your head right here for minute, you know."

Then here come attitude. "What you tryin' to say?

"I know you ain't askin' me to suck your dick, is you?

"You better get your mama to suck your dick."

Selfish somomabitch.

I like it, too!

Then when they doin' it, they try to do the shit wrong so you can tell 'em to stop.

When they finally do it,they play like they don't know

what they doin'.Real fucked up.

So you can say,"Oh, that's all right."

I don't saythat's all right. No.

I let 'em keep goin', 'cause they gotta learn. They gotta learn.

People gotta learn.

This is funny! It's funny!

'Cause when they do do it, you know, we all grown. We're all grown here.

You ever see when you do get special attention?

I had a woman one time... Long time ago, long time ago. Long, long time ago.

She would give me special attention,

but she was lookin' dead at me, you know.

"What the fuck you lookin' at me for?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know, I don't know what to say to her.

What the fuck is up.

What, "You doin' a good job"?"Keep up the good work"?

You know I ain't lyin'.

It's true!

See, I say once again what you scared to say.

When I talked about the kids, you know it ain't no bad thing.

Don't sometimes you wanna say, "You ugly somomabitch"?

But it's not right, it's not appropriate to say, "You stupid motherfucker, you."

The little kids, you be sayin' when your relatives, your nieces and nephews come over,

you be like, "My sister ain't doin' a goddamn thing with this kid."

See, that's why I'm gonnaopen up a day care center.

When I retire from comedy, I'm opening it to prove to you that I'm trustworthy.

I will fuck your kid up.

You ain't got to fill out no application.

The first three months free.

You don't need no hidden videos around the house to see what the fuck is goings on.

'Cause when you come to pick your kid up,

I'm gonna look you in the eye and tell you what the fuck is goings on.

When you come to pick your kid up and he got a knot on the corner of his head,

and you say, "What happened to my son?" I'm gonna tell you.

"I took a hammer and slapped the fuck out of him!"

Jumpin' on my goddamn couch.

"Sit your punk-ass down!"

No! No, talk!

North Carolina, I'm gonna tell you, it's stuff you gotta pray for.

See, it ain't, it ain't, it ain't what you say. It's how you say it.

It's jokes, it's fun, but it's also the truth.

In the back of your mind, you be wantin' to say this shit sometimes.

See, I'm gonna tell you somethin'.

My daughter 22 years old.

She's away from home for five years.

Ain't nobody been in the house but me and my wife.

Twenty-five years married. Beautiful thing.

I ain't sayin' it for no applause.

I'm tryin' to tell you a story.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Me and my wife been in thehouse walkin' around naked,eating and everything.

Shit get broke, I knowwho the fuck did it, you know?

Now I got three new people in my damn house.

I got my sis. See, we family. North Carolina, we family, I'm gonna talk to you.

We family. I got my sister's children living with me now.

I'm about to go crazy like a motherfucker around here, you know?

See, my sister on drugs. I ain't ashamed to tell you.

Some of your family membersfucked up too around here.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I ain't ashamed to tell you.

But my brother called me,North Carolina.My brother said...

He said, "Mac,you gotta come home, man.

"The court gonna separatethe kids."

I said, "No, you know.I can't have that.

"I can't have that."I said, "I'm gonna be there."

Now, mind y'all, North Carolina, I know 'em,

but I don'tknow 'em.

You know, what I'm talking about. I know the kids,

but I don't know these motherfuckers, you know?

Two, four and six.

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]

"Ooh," shit. Come help mebaby-sit these motherfuckers.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I get there. I'm in court. The judge said, "Mac family."

I stood up. I said, "Yes, Your Honor, I'm part of the Mac family."

He said, "We're gonna separate the kids."

I said, "Your Honor, you mean separate like divide?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He said, "Very good, Mr. Mac, very good."

I said, "You know what?"

I said, "I can't allow that."

I said, "My brother and I, we're gonna split custody."

That motherfucker turned his back on me. Like, he didn't say shit.

Yeah, punk somomabitch, see, Cain killed Abel. You know what I mean?

I said, "Your Honor, I'm gonna take the kids for six months

"and my brother gonna take the kids for six months."

This punk somomabitch get up and walked the fuck out.

I ain't seen him since.

If I ever see him, I'm fucking him up on sight.

I'm gonna bust his head to the white meat, I swear 'fore the Lord.

Y'all gonna read about it. Whenever I see

this motherfucker, gonna be a misunderstanding!

There's gonna be some furniture moving around this motherfucker.

[LAUGHS]

I said, "Your Honor, I'll take the kids."

Now I got these three somomabitch.

Excuse my French. That's what I wanna say, you know?

These motherfuckers get on my goddamn nerves. Y'all gotta pray for me.

And that 2-year-old, she the motherfucker! She the ringleader!

Bitch never been here before.

She a shepherd for the devil. She work for the devil.

And the 4-year-old, my sister must've really gotten high with her,

'cause she don't talk. She don't say shit.

All she do is look at your ass like this here...

I told her ass the other day, "Let me tell you somethin'.

"If a fire break out, you better have a whistle or a horn or somethin'.

"'Cause you're gonna be a burned-up motherfucker fuckin' with me."

I ain't got time for no deaf mute.

Talk! Holler!

I tell it like it is.

Then the 6-year-old, he a homosexual.

No, I don't need no 6-year-old walkin' all like this here.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Cryin' all the goddamn time.

"Quit cryin'! Do some push-ups or somethin'!"

I came to the house the other day, man, at 1:30 in the morning.

The 2-year-old gonna send the faggot downstairs

for some milk and cookies.

I'm goin' upstairs, he comin' down.

He gonna walk past me like I'm a visitor.

I said, "Where you going?" He said, "To get some milk and cookies."

He said it so funny, I wanted to hear it again. I said, "Get some what?"

[IN CAMPY ACCENT] He said,"Some milk and cookies."

[LAUGHING]

BERNIE: [IN NORMAL VOICE] I love the motherfucker, but he's a faggot, you know?

I told him, I said, "Man, it's too goddamn late

"for some damn cookies and milk, man.

"Take your punk ass upstairs and get some rest."

That's how I talk to him. Fuck that time-out shit!

I ain't got time for these bad-ass kids.

These kids'll kill you.

They ain't gonna kill me. I'm gonna kill them.

I can see y'all reading Jetand Ebonyright now. I hear you talkin'.

"It's a shame how Bernie fucked up those damn kids."

I can't get no rest. They walk around the house

3:00, 4:00 in the morning.

Got their finger under my nose,

seein' if I'm breathin', all that kind of shit.

Bad-ass somomabitches.

Rocking all the goddamn time! I ain't no psychologist!

Then the son of a bitchgonna go upstairs.

The 2-year-old, I hear the 2-year-old say, "Where the cookies and shit?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He gonna tell her, "Him downstairs."

Who the fuck is "him"?

Like I ain't got no name or somethin'.

"Him downstairs."

The 2-year-old say, "Well, I'll go get the shit myself."

She gonna walk her littlebowlegged ass downstairs.

I'm standin' in the corner.I watch her get a stepladder.

She gonna go on overto the refrigerator.

I said, "What the fuck you doin'?"

She looked at me. "I'm gonna get some milk and cookies."

I said, "Didn't I tell your punk-ass boy

"he couldn't have no goddamn cookies?

"Were you listenin' when I tell the faggot he couldn't have none?

"Now I'm tellin' your short ass

"you can't have no goddamn milk and cookies!

"Get your punk ass upstairs before you get fucked-up around here!"

Oh, she gonna look at me like I'm short, you know.

Oh, North Carolina...

Everybody in this roomknow what that look mean.

That look meanyou wanna do somethin' to me.

So I backed up

and I told her, "Bust a move."

"Bust a motherfuckin' move!"

Gone and made the kid mad!

See, 'cause back in the day,Big Mama.

Big Mama was that old motherfucker

with that old flower dress onand those swollen-ass ankles.

And she had a wig on, be cocked to the side.

And she slid her feet when she walked and shit.

And she hummed. [HUMMING]

That's what I miss.

Big Mama.

You know you got your ass whooped

so you couldn't even talk

when Big Mama was talkin' to the grown folk. Remember that?

When Big Mamawas talkin' to somebody,

you had to shut whatthey called "the fuck up."

If Big Mama was talkin' to somebody, she'd say,

"Girl, you know, I went to the store.

"I got two tomatoes,

"Some taters, some lettuce..."

"No, you didn't, Big Mama. You got..."

"Like I said, when I got the motherfucker..."

She used to knock the pause in your motherfuckin' ass.

You know you hurt when you cry and you pause.

You ever had a pause?

When a motherfucker hits you in your throat, make your teeth click.

And you bite the back of your tongue. You can't cry.

[BRIEF CRY]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[IMITATES CRYING]

When you cry like that, man, your soul is fucked-up.

You hurt!

My Big Mama used to come to school.

She never would tell you when she was gonna come.

Just pop the fuck up.

And all of a sudden, somebody'd walk in the door

and everybody be whispering, "Who mama that?

Who mama that is, who mama that is?"

You could always tell who mama it was,

'cause they be playin' like they doin' some work.

"Oh, that's your motherfuckin' mama there."

And they used to slap the shit outta you in the street.

Remember how you used to get a whoopin' in the street?

Now people get all in your business.

"Don't do that.

"Don't say that."

They got leashesat the airport.

I see motherfuckerswith a leash on their kid.

"Come here. Come here.

"You're going too far."

I wish I would put a chain on my goddamn kid.

"Stay there. Don't move.

"Don't move, motherfucker."

[APPLAUDING]

"You shouldn't do that." "Shut the fuck up."

People getin your goddamn business.

Always wanna tell you what you can and cannot do. "Don't say this."

Fuck you. Don't you tell me what the fuck to do.

I'll kick my kid's ass.

I'll beat him in his sleep.

Put some Kool-Aidon their eyes and lips

so they can't hollerand can't see.

Take them out in the cornerand wear their ass out.

That's how you do the shit.

'Cause everybody in this roomgot disciplined.

Every man in this room,we sit here,we laugh and joke.

This is cool. But we scaredof a woman for some reason.

I ain't talkin'about scared like a punk.

'Cause look at them women.I asked you to clap.

'Cause y'all some noseysomomabitches, too.

See, women like to be your mama, your daddy,

your uncle, your accountant, your pastor.

They wanna tell you what to do, when to come, where you're goin'.

"Who you talkin' to?

"Who over there?

"Sit down here.

"Don't park the car there.

"Slow down.

"Light red.

"Stop.

"Look out.

"Taste this."

Shut the fuck up.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

When you family, when you love,

a lot of things come along with that.

That's what I try to tell my aunt.

So I got a auntie.Everybody got somebody

in the familythat ain't properly right.

Everybody got somebodyin their family

that don't do rightby everybody.

I got my auntie.Man, she treat the kidslike shit, you know?

You know, she's real uppity.

She sure she wanna be herself.

You know, she treat her kids like they up here,

but she treat everybody else like they fuckin' down here.

That's what I don't like about her. You know.

She treat her kids like they special.

She got my little nephew.

She got the school bus pickin' this motherfucker up,

and the school directly across the street.

He's four,

but he stutter real bad. He's kinda slow.

He stutter real... One of those... [STUTTERING]

He one of them type of motherfuckers, you know?

You know, he...

I told her to go take that motherfucker to get looked at.

She won't ever do it. She'll won't see nothing wrong with him.

He on the corner waitin' on the school bus.

The school bus pull up, open the door.

He walks up, asks a question.

[STAMMERING]

Bus driver close the doorand drove the fuck off.

Next day, same corner.

Brother on the corner.Bus driver pulled up,opened the door.

He did it again! [STAMMERING]

Bus driver close the door and drove the fuck off.

He ain't got time for this shit here.

Oh, he mad now.

He go home and tell my auntie.

My auntie, "Ain't this a bitch?

"This shit is wrong.

"I'm goin' to school with you in the morning,

"and I wish that bus driver will drive off

"and I bet it's gonna be some smoke in the city."

Oh, she took my little nephew,put him on the corner.

She went in the bushes and hid.

School bus pulled up on time, same corner, opened the door.

He did it again. [STAMMERING]

Bus driver did like this... Closed the door.

My auntie jumped out. "Hold on,

"black somomabitch!

"What's your damn problem?

"Deny my son his edimication!"

Bus driver jumped off the bus and said, "He..."

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[STAMMERING]

"He was teasing me."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING]

[APPLAUDING]

It's all love, baby.

So you know what, North Carolina?

If we stand up here and we laugh and joke, everybody say,

"You shouldn't say this. You shouldn't say that."

See, fun is fun.

Jokes is jokes.

Ain't nobody... This is an expression.

We talk this language. We talk this every day.

You hear it, you know it.

It ain't nothin' to be ashamed of.

See, when everybody say, "You talk this way.

"You talk this way. You talk that way."

I had a white guy tell me, he said, "Bern,

"why do black people always use the word 'motherfucker'?"

Well, I'm gonna break down what the word "motherfucker" actually means.

"Motherfucker" is something that black folks have been using for years.

It's about expression.

Don't be ashamed of the word "motherfucker,"

'cause the word "motherfucker" is a noun.

It describes a person, place or thing.

[LAUGHS]

You know, when you hear about us black folk, we loud.

That's our defense mechanism.

We loud. We talk aggressive, you know?

[IMITATES AGGRESSIVE TALK]

"You know, we ain't gonna do nothin' to you. We ain't gonna do nothin' to you."

We'll tell you in a minute, "I'll blow this motherfucker up," you know?

You ain't never knowna black terroristin a day of your life.

You ain't never knowna black man to blow upa goddamn thing.

First of all, where yougonna buy the dynamite from,and from who?

The first time you tryand buy some dynamite,

he goin' to jail like a motherfucker.

It's just expression. I had a guy, man...

White people, when you see my people,

you see 'em in the social places.

You see 'em in the mall. You see 'em in the bowling alley.

You might see three or four brothers together.

You might hear the word "motherfucker" 32 times.

And you might hear just two regular English words.

But the conversation makes sense like a motherfucker.

Everybody can understand it.

Don't be afraid of the word "motherfucker."

I'm gonna break it down to you.

If you out there this afternoon

and you see about three or four brothers talkin',

you might hear a conversation, and it go like this.

"You seen that motherfuckin' Bobby?

"That motherfucker owe me 35 motherfuckin' dollars.

"He told me he gonna pay my motherfuckin' money last motherfuckin' week.

"I ain't seen this motherfucker yet.

"I'm not gonna chase this motherfucker for my 35 motherfuckin' dollars.

"I called the motherfucker four motherfuckin' times,

"but the motherfucker won't call me back.

"I called his mama the other motherfuckin' day.

"She gonna play like the motherfucker weren't in.

"I started to cuss her motherfuckin' ass out,

"but I didn't want no motherfuckin' trouble.

"But I'll tell you one motherfuckin' thing.

"The next motherfuckin' time I see this motherfucker,

"and he ain't got my motherfuckin' money,

"I'm gonna bust his motherfuckin' head!"

And I'm out this motherfucker.

[APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm Cedric the Entertainer,

and I play much like Avery Johnson.

And I love the game of basketball.

And when I pass it to my teammates,

the Twin Towers here,

who would be Tim Duncan

and David Robinson "The Admiral".

I gotta go with Phil Jackson.Phil.

You know, 'cause Phil, man, he's a philosopher, man.

Yeah. Motivato...

Motivator. He'll teach ya.

Here's Phil Jackson, you know, [IMITATES PHIL] "Scotty!"[LAUGHS]

[WHISTLES]

[ALL LAUGHING]

And that's rare, too.A white man with a high ass.That's rare.

The player that epitomizes meis old Kareem.He don't do nothin'.

And you know what?

No matter how much skill, nobody got to find a way to win.

He's Phil Jackson. "Scotty!"Just like Kareem.

Keep comin'"Scotty! Scotty!"

STEVE: I think the playerin the league now

that best describes my comedy

is Gary Payton of the Seattle Sonics.

What's up brother?STEVE: The Glove!

He d'd up. He got offense.He's well-respected.

He talk a lot of trash.He talk a lot of shit.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

And, man, neither one of usis that attractive.

Then probably, my other player would be Sprewell.

'Cause sometime my comedy just chokes shit outta you.

[LAUGHS]

I'll choke the shit outta you.Y'all know me.

Look at my eyes. I'm crazy.[ALL LAUGHING]

I might come off nice,

and I might seem like a good guy.

I'm wild.

♪ I'll make a pit stop Hit your hot spot

♪ Back seat drop top 'Till your drawers drop

♪ Trouble with cops Rooftop will be our next spot

♪ Non-stop going hard Just like a sweat shop

♪ I got a girl with a kid But I'm leavin' town

Man, it's over.

All this time. Two years.

And then you walk.

And you don't know how you feel until you get to this point.

♪ I got chicks in LA just to rub me down

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

♪ I got ladies on the low hid in Chinatown

♪ Even got worldwide chicks hittin' me on my cell

How do I feel? I don't even know.

♪ Tell me what you want What you want, what you need

♪ What you want, what you need ♪ Tell it, baby

This is the last walk. The last time.

Sweet!

♪ What you want, what you need

♪ Tell me, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ What you want, what you need

♪ What you want ♪ Your little bit of lovin' is good for me

♪ Ooh, baby ♪ Na, na, na, na

Hey, Charlotte, we love y'all. Good night.

Y'all stay black. Peace.

♪ Na, na, na, na

♪ I'm gonna get it, girl

♪ Your little bit of lovin' is good for me

♪ Just gonna go bye-bye When I'm settled in

♪ No more living like this again

♪ So when the clock strikes ten tonight

♪ I'll be ditching I'll be heading out

♪ No doubt, my arms is where you need to be

♪ So grab your things You're comin' home with me

♪ On top and moaning while you're boning me

♪ I'll curl your toes And then you're off to sleep

♪ A little bit of dollar is good for me ♪ Sleep

♪ What you want, what you need What you want, what you need

♪ Sleep ♪ What you want, what you need

♪ What you want, what you need ♪

♪ Sleep ♪ What you want, what you need

♪ What you want, what you need

♪ Sleep ♪ What you want, what you need

♪ What you want

♪ A little bit of dollar Is good for me

[VOCALIZING]

♪ A little bit of dollar is good for me ♪