Original subtitles

Yowzer!

The smelloscope is locked on to a collapsing magnetar.

Oh, I never thought I'd live to smell the day.

Amy, take this down.

Traces of lavender and oak.

"Lavender and oak."

Wait, how do you spell "lavender"?

Notes of new car smell.

Only two Ls in "smell."

What's all this cursed dust?

Gesundheit!

Woop-woop-woop-woop-woop...

Ugh, what are you rolling in now?

Your own filth?

No, everyone's!

It's the contents of the office vacuum.

I'm taking an abrasive dust bath.

Everything you do is abrasive!

Mm!

My sinuses are so inflamed, I can't smell a thing!

I'll have to clear my nose with a nasal laser,

or "Naser".

I've never heard of a Naser.

That's because it doesn't exist.

So one of us will have to invent it.

Uh...

It's your turn, Professor.

Very well.

Okay, let's test it out.

Fry, get over here.

Hang on! I'm caught in my arm hole.

Ugh, forget it.

I'll just try it on this test melon.

Hmm, not quite powerful enough.

I'll need some new crystal resonators.

In the market for crystals, eh?

Well, sir, you're lookin' at one.

Folks call me the Borax Kid.

Pfft! Borax is just for laundry.

Not so.

Why, it's also a leading cause of accidental poisoning.

I'm in need of a small sapphire.

Uh... sapphire?

I suppose you'd know it by its chemical name,

aluminum oxide.

Whoa! Words can have numbers in them?

What birthstone is it?

Virgo.

Uh... can you describe it in a way that's less scientific?

No!

How 'bout "blue"?

Oh, blue!

Yeah, we got blue.

Very powerful vibrations, man.

Helps us speak our truth.

My truth is I hate you!

Eureka! I can smell!

What smells like burning nostril?

Um, yeah, can you read my palm?

Certainly.

I'll be back for that in an hour.

Bender, don't waste your liquor store money

on this quackery.

It's not quackery!

She's an astrologer, just like you.

I'm an astronomer, you drunken idiot!

And a respected cosmologist.

We just met a cosmologist!

She sells holistic makeup with essential oils.

That's a cosmetologist!

And what was she thinking? You're clearly an autumn.

Yeah, a little borax will set you right.

Thank you.

I've had it with fools who buy into this unscientific flim-flam.

Oh, loosen up, Professor.

People like to believe in things.

Well, I like to know things.

Things supported by evidence!

Yet there is another path to knowledge.

Faith.

Many people believe in a heaven,

yet you do not call them crazy.

Yes, I do. To their faces.

And behind their backs, I'm even ruder.

You hurt my feeling.

I know Heaven is real because my grandma's there!

You're thinking of Mexico.

Oh, right.

I always mix those up 'cause they both have margaritas.

Professor, what would it take for you, as a scientist,

to believe Heaven is real?

Would you have to see people literally rise into the sky

with your own eyes?

Yes, I would.

Then, and only then, would I believe it.

In that case, you might wanna look over there.

I still don't believe it.

Our top story, your neighbor's bumper sticker was right.

The Rapture has arrived,

and people are rising up to Heaven like there's no tomorrow,

which there probably isn't.

Believers such as myself are removing ceilings

to improve their chances.

Linda?

Why was I left behind?!

I'm so scared, Leela.

I wanna go to Heaven, but I can't stand harp music.

Hopefully we'll go deaf sometime during eternity.

I need to sneak out of work early to be with my family.

I'll let it slide this time, but if I do it again,

I'm fired.

Are you okay, Amy? Don't panic!

I'm not panicking.

Am I supposed to be panicking?

Maybe we should all fly to my home world, Amphibios 9,

until this blows over.

We can't.

All air traffic is grounded due to the thick clouds...

of people.

Do you think I'll be left behind?

What if they don't take pets?

Ow!

I told you, you're not a pet!

Now fetch me my slipper.

How can you people believe this Rapture nonsense?

There's no proof!

That looks like proof to me.

Ow!

The scientific method requires forming a hypothesis...

...then collecting data to test it.

Don't we have a hypothesis?

That people are rising up to Heaven?

Well, it's a lousy hypothesis,

so our job is to disprove it.

We aren't some cult of belief.

We're scientists.

Well, I don't know that we are.

Then it's settled.

With evidence and reason, we'll persuade the world

to abandon these cultish delusions.

Now, how better to promote science

than by wearing a garment that demands respect,

the lab coat.

All the buttons are missing.

Strange... Who would eat nice, crunchy buttons?

Uh, just tie them with various lengths of wire.

Oh, and put on these "pro-science" rocket badges.

Science is truth!

Science is truth!

Now kneel in the direction of MIT.

Husband, ya always need to look your best for the apocalypse.

Are we going to church?

Can I wear my sermon-canceling headphones?

We don't know where we're goin', son.

But wherever it is, we're all goin' together.

Hey! Wait for us!

Stop him, Hermes!

Do your limbo-jump!

Our boy is gone!

Well, at least we still have each other--

Hello?

Wife! No!

Barbados Slim?!

I happened to be walkin' by, mon.

I'm stuck here with you?!

That's the worst-case scenario!

I was wrong!

My fellow faith leaders,

we gather to discuss this blessed ascension

that whoever or whatever heavenly force has bestowed upon us

in his, her, or their infinite or finite wisdom.

Amen!

Feels good to lead the religion that saw this comin' a long time ago.

Excuse-a me? We called it a-first.

Not even close!

Out holy book predicted this when your Dead Sea Scrolls

were barely even sick.

Now, now! Now, now!

Please, let's not split hairs!

Now is the time that we, as leaders of faith,

should join hands and gloat.

Let's take the win, people!

Boo!

Despite your various hats,

you're all just members of the same crazy cult!

Commence Operation Anti-Cult.

We worship data! Not a false cre-a-ta!

We worship...

Perhaps I'll command even more respect

wearing Darwin's beard.

Have you heard the good word of science?

It's peer-reviewed.

Amy? What's going on?

We're inviting people to embrace science.

Join us, and drink the Cult-Aid.

"Cult-Aid"?

It's a cultured yogurt drink we grew in a beaker.

With bacteria!

Almighty science is so powerful,

it's only occasionally wrong!

You seem quite passionate, brother.

Care to share your testimony inside?

I'd be honored, you fraud.

Divine revelation is rubbish!

Understanding must be earned in the laboratory.

We don't need the megaphone.

It's for me.

I can barely hear myself.

Now look here, Professor Glasses.

If science has all the answers,

maybe you can tell us why folks are rising up to Heaven?

Oh, I can, and I will.

As soon as I figure it out.

It seems you have faith in science,

much as we have faith in the divine.

Ah, but there's a difference.

Science makes predictions that prove correct

time and time again.

That is the evidence that fuels my faith.

What fuels yours?

The knowledge that whatever happens is the Lord's plan.

But you can use that to explain anything!

That's what's so great about it.

That's it.

Barricade every door and window

so we don't float off willy-nilly.

We must buy time to research this phenomenon.

No way I'm ascendin' to Heaven with Barbados and LaBarbara.

I'd rather go to Hell!

I'm here for you, friend.

I think I'm already there.

-Leela... -Fry,

now isn't a great time to propose.

No, I can't risk you floating away without me,

so I tied my shoelaces to yours.

Aw, that's so sweet.

Ow!

Oops!

Man, that looked funny, but it really hurt.

I think my skull's fractured.

Hey, why are you falling up?

No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, wait. Yes!

We're gonna be together for all eternity, Leela.

No!

Ow!

Dammit! Which one of you idiots left the roof open?

Oh, right. Sorry.

Leela's gone.

And all I have to remember her by is this boot.

I know Leela and I will be reunited someday,

either in Heaven,

or one big coffin.

Attention, science followers!

I've been asking myself,

what could cause a person to rise up into the sky?

A trampoline? Not powerful enough.

A fusion canon?

Too powerful.

But what about a tornado?

You've solved it, Professor!

Kif? I thought you guys were sheltering at home.

Woop-woop-woop-woop!

We're right outside your office.

I just wanted to come by and, uh...

Embrace science.

Uh, y-yeah embrace science.

That's great! I'll be right out.

Aww, it's all my sweetie-pies.

Get her! But be gentle.

What's going on?

We're doing this because we love you.

Shove her in the trunk.

I can't go to Heaven. I can't.

Not with LaBarbara and Barbados Slim up there linkin' halos!

Then quit sittin' on your premium-sized ass, Hermes.

If you wanna go to Hell, you're gonna have to earn it,

with some foul deeds.

You're right, my friend.

Hey! What was that for?!

Ooh, me next!

I wanna help, too.

Hold your horses.

Oopsie-dinkle. I meant to close that.

Why are you kidnapping me?

You know my parents don't pay ransom.

I'm sorry, darling, but we had to save you.

I hope the pillowcase wasn't too scratchy.

I got the highest thread count I could.

I am the Grand Midwife.

Get off me! Shoo!

What is this?

An intervention.

We're freeing you from the cult of science.

Amy Wong, the sacred bond between you and your Fon-Fon-Ru

has been shaken by your strange beliefs.

We must restore it with the healing wisdom of the ancients.

Um, will you be using actual words at some point?

Nope, just spirit sounds.

Kif, is this really necessary?

I didn't know where else to turn.

We had to save you from the Professor's brain-washing.

Brain-washing?

I mean, maybe we went a little overboard with the robes and the yogurt.

It wasn't just yogurt, it was a yogurt beverage!

I was so worried.

We're only saying that this all might have a scientific explanation.

Is that really such a weird thing to scream through a megaphone?

I suppose not.

Can you ever forgive me?

Of course.

Thank you, Grand Midwife.

We appreciate your time.

Sorry, it takes five more hours.

Uh...

Huh.

I guess I'll just read the rest to myself.

This here's a robbery.

Gimme all your knives!

You expect me to believe that's all you got?!

Ow! Ow! Haw-haw, ow!

Ow! Ow!

All my experiments have brought us no closer to understanding.

I don't deserve to wear this beard.

We're starvin', Professor.

It's been a week since we ate the last packet of coffee creamer.

Please, let us out to scavenge.

And risk you floating away?

No chance.

I know this is difficult, but if we can stay the course,

science will give us the answer.

Fry's dead.

Oh, what have I done?!

Now I'm down to just two pallbearers.

Fry, you can't be dead!

I'm gonna try fist-to-crotch resuscitation.

Ow.

Damn you, old man.

If it weren't for you and your precious science,

Fry could still have children!

You're right.

After a lifetime of devotion, science has failed me.

I've always considered religion a pointless charade,

but now it seems prayer is all we have left.

Oh, Heavenly Father, let me first apologize

for referring to you as "Magic Space Grandpa"

for over a century.

I humbly beg for your mercy,

and beseech you to provide sustenance for the hungry--

no onions--

at this address.

Your loyal servant, Hubert.

Amen.

Ugh! I feel so dirty.

Look! Is that food?

That heavenly aroma, that radioactive color...

It's a cheese puff!

Your prayer worked, Professor.

Stop rubbing it in.

I see now that science is but a shoddy substitute for faith.

The Almighty has blessed us with snack food.

And not just any snack food,

the most irresistible snack food ever made!

Fry, no!

I don't remember leaving the roof open for a third time.

It's not too late!

Close it!

Huh. I hope his legs aren't in there.

It wasn't some supernatural power.

It was a simple hook!

A simple trans-phase plasma hook

on a simple mono-molecular force-filament!

I should have never doubted science.

This will haunt me 'til my dying day.

So, like, tomorrow?

Wait! If we're not up against an all-powerful deity,

let's find out what we are up against.

To the ship!

Ow!

Dammit! Who left the roof closed?

What is that thing, Chay?

We are witnessin' somethin' weird, bro.

It's a baby whale!

Nah, it's not a whale, but it's wicked ugly.

Chuck it in the cellar.

Thanks.

Got any more cheese puffs?

Leela!

I knew we'd end up together

in Cheese Puff... ...Heaven.

Aw, geez.

That is definitely bycatch there.

Eh, I've been called worse.

Toss it in the chum bucket.

Welcome, chum.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Something!

Chay, you seein' this?

It's the freakin' mama whale!

Oh-my-lanta!

It's a fishing boat.

And we're the fish!

Eh, this one we could use for chowdah.

This here's a chowdah can.

And this is some sushi-grade belly meat right here.

-Look-it this. -Damn right.

It's still talkin', Mahk. Hit it with the club.

Now hold on, Mahk!

You can't treat us like seafood.

We're an intelligent species.

Oh, yeah, you're wicked smaht.

"Duh, I'm eatin' cheese puffs on a hook 'cause I'm a brainiac!"

How dare you space-townies drop that sick burn!

Whoa, kid, you wanna go, bro?

It's the gahd!

"God"?

The Coast Gahd!

Somebody report illegal fishing operation?

I report... ed it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ain't nothin' illegal 'bout fishin'.

That's true, if you follow regulations.

But you've violated multiple subsections

of the Planetary Fisheries Treaty of 2936!

First off, you failed to submit the $18 fee to renew your license.

I got the Dunkins.

You were supposed to get the license!

Also, you've caught slightly more than your quota.

And some of your catch is under the legal size.

Hi, Professor!

I told ya to filet them little ones first!

This nitpicking snitch is correct.

The law says you must treat Earth as sustainable fishery.

Like serious, bro?

Very serious, bro.

I have no choice but to issue

the first of three courtesy warnings.

And you must release all your catchings!

You can keep that one.

Haw-haw!

Ah! ah!

And then I threw coffee at the Professor!

Well, science has prevailed.

Time to ditch this ridiculous garment.

Ugh.

Ah, back to normal.

You have to wonder,

could the whole concept of ascending to Heaven

have come from ancient people being caught by space fishermen?

Maybe. Or, it could be a miracle.

It's impossible to say.

My money's on fishermen.

But that's just me.

Everyone is free to believe as they like.

Wow, you never talk like that, Professor.

Is it possible all this has broadened your mind a little?

No.