All language subtitles for That.Awkward.Moment.2014.720p.BluRay.x264.YIFY

JASON: It's 2:18 in the morning
in the middle of February.

I've been sitting on a park
bench for almost four hours.

I'm fucking freezing.

Why am I sitting here?

Why am I still
sitting on this bench?

You know, it's
probably best if I rewind.

If I back up and explain.

Every relationship arrives
at a critical moment,

a juncture,

between moving forward
and moving on.

I call that moment the "so."

So...

Where is this going, then?

I think you're a... Like...
I think you're amazing.

I think you're
an amazing girl. I...

I think you're an amazing person.
No.

I'm breaking up with you.

Ihaveto.
You're breaking up?

I'm sorry, Jason, I need
somebody who's ready.

I need somebody who doesn't drink
coffee out of a cereal bowl.

What?

And has a bed frame.

JASON: I wasn't confused
because she was

breaking up with me.

I'm so late for work.

I was confused because I had
no idea we were dating.

I'm not even close
to the guy you need.

The guy you deserve.

Like... I'm...

And I'm so sorry that
I can't be that guy.

In her defense,
we'd been having sex, like,

once a week for six weeks.

I'm so late for work.

But in my defense,
that's a hookup

approaching
the seeing stage.

I'm sorry, Jason.

No. I understand.

I understand.

And what I understood was,
at that moment,

we were definitely not dating.

(PHONE RINGING)

DANIEL: Dude, did you
get my message?

Man, I left,
like, 10 minutes ago...

(CAR HORNS HONKING)

Come on, man. You're late. Look,
what have you been doing?

What have I been doing?

Christy just broke up with me.

Oh, man.
Who's Christy?

Vera, you home?

(DOOR CLOSES)

Oh. I didn't know
we had company.

You're home early.

Yeah, I skipped the gym.

Oh, uh, this is my lawyer.

Oh, your lawyer.

Actually,
he's a very good lawyer.

Is everything okay?

So your wife said that she
was having intense sex?

Yes, intense.

I can't believe
she said, "intense."

That's what she said.
With a guy named Harold.

And while she said this, her
lawyer was just sitting there?

He looked like
Morris Chestnut.

Who the fuck is
Morris Chestnut?

From Boyz n the Hood.

Ricky?
Yeah.

Dude, I love Ricky.

Not anymore.

Who the fuck looks
like Morris Chestnut?

Yeah. That's not a strong look.
Her lawyer.

Her lawyer looks
like Morris Chestnut.

Okay, and he was just
sitting there on the couch?

Yeah, why was he just
sitting there on the couch?

'Cause she wants a divorce.

That's...
Fuck, man.

Are you kidding me?
I'm sorry.

And here's the kicker,
her lawyer,

the guy sitting there,

the guy that looks
like Morris Chestnut,

is the guy
she's having sex with.

Harold?
Harold!

Fuck Harold.
Oh!

Oh, man.

Did...
Did he say anything?

(MUMBLES) He said
he liked my shoes.

What?
He said what?

He said he liked my shoes.

Well...

He's not wrong.
They're cool shoes.

What the fuck, man?
I don't deserve this.

I don't know what
we're going to do, man.

We need to get him a hooker.

We can't afford a hooker.

Yeah, we can use a coupon. Get
him a cheap hooker. It's Mikey.

No, we're not. Look. "East
Village girls for hire."

No.
Right there.

No.
Yeah.

DANIEL: According
to this article,

most of the bars on the East
Side are filled with hookers.

You know what
I love about you

is that you literally believe
every single thing that you read.

No, I don't.
Yes, you do.

No, I don't.
Yes, you do.

It's like you're
nine years old.

Ooh, no, no, no. They're
like young, cool hookers.

They dress like
hipsters and shit.

And I'm telling you
that I highly doubt

that that is the case.

Then why would
it be in a magazine?

I don't know.

Read it.

"She dresses like any
other pretty young thing,

"knee-high boots
strewn about the floor,

"and a drawer filled
to the hilt with condoms

"seemed the only indication
of her sideline occupation."

How awesome is that?

Hey guys. It's Fred.

Hey, Fred.

You know it's not
a phone. Right?

You're actually here, Fred.

We can see you.

FRED: Totally.

Oh!

So you're due to present
on the Silverman book.

So...

You guys are
prepared? Right?

We'll be in there.

That's a blank board.

That's a gold mine.

I mean, we gave you
stacks of examples.

JASON: You mean these. Right?

What you're seeing
there is exactly

what you're gonna
see everywhere else.

And we can deliver that.

But when we're talking about
The Unexpectable Princess...

Which is a great title.

It's a wonderful,
wonderful title.

But still, it's drowning

in a sea of boring pastel.
Uh-huh.

That's not what you want.

And that's not
what you need.

I think I know
what you need.

I think he does.

JASON: A book's cover
should hint at the story.

But not give away
too much.

This is about
wish fulfillment.

Black and white.
Cool and spare.

Now, a recent study
using MRIs

showed that women's brains
lit up like fireworks

when they were
showed pictures of...

A penis.

What?

No. No.

MALE EXECUTIVE: No.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

No.
No.

No.

JASON: Women's brains
lit up like fireworks

when they were
showed pictures of

shoes.
Shoes.

Shoes.

And nothing says wish fulfillment
like Christian Louboutin.

Ask any girl in the room.

I love it.

Dude, are you
taking a shit in there?

Absolutely not.

Every time you come over,
you take a shit in there.

DANIEL: I'm not taking a shit.
I'm using self-tanner.

Self-tanner?

Yeah. I told that
assistant at Vogue

I couldn't hang out
'cause I was in Toulon.

Trying to phase her
out of my roster.

Also, lam taking a shit.

JASON: Every time.

Every time.

You did
the retrieve? Huh?

I just grabbed
whatever I could.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

DANIEL: Yo, Mikey! Were you
taking a shit in there?

Yep.
Jesus! Every time.

DANIEL: We're going the fuck out.
Is that ice cream?

You bought ice cream, Mikey?
Come on.

Yeah.
It's peanut butter chocolate.

That's a great flavor.
Let me see it.

Hey. We're going out. No ice cream.
No. No.

You see, whiskey doesn't
mix well with ice cream.

Ineedit
DANIEL: Oh, you need it?

Yes. You need it? What're
you, a fat teenage girl?

What're you, Bridget Jones?
Really?

Name calling? Is that
what we're doing? Yeah.

Give me the ice cream.
No.

Give me the ice cream. I know that look.
Get away from me.

Give me the ice cream.
Back up, little man.

Give me the ice cream.
Get off, man.

Nobody gets ice cream!

That was awesome.

Did you throw it
out the window?

We're going out.

I mean, I bet you thought you were
never going feel this again, man.

The excitement. The energy. You
don't get this in relationships.

I've been out of
the game so long

I forgot how
much I miss this.

You were never in the game.
You were a married doctor.

Ah, whatever. Hey, do
you guys want a mint?

Yeah.

Here we go.
That's for you.

That's for you.

That's a weird
mint, dude.

Yeah, I know.
It's Viagra.

You've got four hours to drink like
Keith Richards and still get hard.

Every good action movie
has a ticking clock. Right?

Fucking idiots.

Idiots.

(DOWN ON LIFE PLAYING)

I know!

I'm fucking drunk
right now.

Yeah, that's right.

I can't wait to
get drunk.

I can't do this.
I can't do this.

Hey, come here.
Yes, you can.

Yes, you can.
You just need to be like,

"Hey! I'm a
good-looking doctor."

No, it would
work for me, Mikey.

Would it?
Yeah, it would.

That would
totally work for me.

Hey! Chels!

Oh, my God! I love yourshoes! I've
been looking for those.

Oh, thank you!

Wow! You are beautiful.

Oh, this is my friend,
Daniel. He's amazing.

But he's a virgin.

Oh, there's always a catch.
CHELSEA: Mmm-hmm.

I'm just trying to get laid
before I graduate high school.

Hi, I'm Sophie.

I know you are.

♪ I could use a break

♪ Me need to go down, down,
down, down on life

♪ I need you to
take all my shadows

Whiskey...
Yeah.

I love you. We're doing it...
I love you, too.

♪ I could use a break

♪ Me need to go down, down,
down, down on life

I've never met
that guy before.

♪ All my shadows
for a walk tonight... 4“

What's up, buddy?
How's it going?

Well,

I'm drinking alone in
a bar full of assholes.

And all these girls, they seem
to like the assholes more.

Dude, do you remember when for,
like, two years in college,

every single girl
that I liked liked you?

Rebecca Daniels...

Yeah. Rebecca Daniels.

She was hot.
She was.

She was all right.

Where's the Mikey
that got her?

Because that guy
was fucking awesome.

(MORNING SUN PLAYING)

That girl's staring at you
at the end of the bar.

Should I look?
No, not yet.

Now.
No.

Now.
No.

Now.
No.

Yeah, go ahead and look.

Night away?

Yeah. She was fucking Harold.

There's always a Harold.

There's always a Harold.

Mmm.
Mmm.

When I was a kid, I used to open
all the windows in my bedroom

when it was freezing, and just
lay on top of the covers.

Why?

I wanted to understand what
it felt like to be homeless.

Do you understand
that feeling?

Just needing to know?

Wow.

I know.

He fucking looked
like Morris Chestnut.

(LAUGHS) Who looks
like Morris Chestnut?

It is not a good look. Nobody
should look like Morris Chestnut.

Okay, who is
Morris Chestnut?

Apparently,
he's a great lawyer.

Well, I wrote
my number on this.

Use it when you're ready.

Look, is this the part
where we go home?

'Cause I'm not
really in the mood.

You're sitting on my coat.

Hmm.

I am.

I'm sorry about that.

It's okay. Thanks.
Mmm-hmm.

Good night.
Good night.

Hey.

I'm gonna get a drink.
You want a drink?

Oh, no. I'm good.
Let me get you a drink.

What, a vodka soda?
No,no,no.

My man.
No.

Come on.
It's just a drink.

Oh, no. I'm good.
Thank you.

I need a drink, too.
I'll get you a drink.

Honestly, what if
I enjoy the drink?

What happens then?
(LAUGHS)

I'd love to hear what
you think happens then.

I'll tell you
what happens.

We go play beer pong
with your two roommates

until I end up back at
yours in Murray Hill?

Yeah, that's right.
How did you know that?

And then we'll have to listen to
your roommate have sex with Hilary

or Emily or whatever the girl's
name is until we fall asleep.

And then a year later, we're
still playing beer pong

in the same bars
with your friends.

Except now you feel pressure
to get married and have kids

'cause you think
that's what I want.

Then in the summers,
drive up

to the Hamptons
to meet his parents,

wondering the whole ride if they're
going to think you're pretty enough.

Smart.
Wondering the whole ride,

if they're going to
think you're smart enough.

Because no one is. And then we
have to drink shitty chardonnay.

At a shitty
garden party.

And have shitty
conversations.

About shitty people.

With his shitty mother.

Who, let's face it, doesn't
think you're smart enough.

Pretty.

Who, let's face it, doesn't
think you're pretty enough.

Because no one is.

No one ever will be.

What was all that shit? Look,
I'm just talking about a drink.

Yeah, but it wasn't just
a drink, though, was it?

It was a marriage
proposal.

Oh, marriage. No, I was...

Just a vodka soda.

Fuck you guys. I'm...

Drink?
Yeah.

(HEARTBEAT PLAYING)
(BOTH MOANING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You're amazing.

Let's get out of here.

(LAUGHING)

You like that?
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

You're sitting on my coat.
(GROANS)

l have to
use your bathroom.

(EXHALES)

(GASPS SOFTLY)

Fuck. Pick up.

Pick up. Pick up
your phone!

Dude,
I have a serious problem.

DANIEL: You got a problem. I got a problem.
I gotta take a leak right now.

And my boner looks like that
thing on The Price ls Right.

(WHISPERING) Bob Barker?

Yeah, my dick
looks like Bob Barker.

No, you asshole, that thing
that stops the wheel.

What? I think I took
too much Viagra.

I just really
got to take a leak.

You have to just
get horizontal.

Get horizontal?
What the...

You need to be horizontal.

Me or the boner?
Both.

I can't. My boner is
perpendicular to my body.

Just try it, man.

This is the stupidest idea I've
ever heard of. What the...

This isn't... Whoa!
(URINATING)

Wait, bro,
it's actually working.

Of course it is,
but, dude, listen to me.

I think the girl that I just
had sex with is a hooker.

What? That's awesome.

No! It's not awesome, man.
What if she makes me pay?

I don't have hooker money.

You definitely don't
have hooker money. Dude.

I don't know what to do,
man. You gotta help me.

Okay, well, you know what?
If she asks for cash,

you could pretend that
you're a hooker, too,

and maybe the rates
would balance out.

You are so fucking useless.
Do you know that?

Is your dick
touching the water?

Fuck you.

MIKEY: Which one of you
divas uses self-tanner?

I do.Why?

Because I beat off
with it last night.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Why... Why didn't you
even read the bottle?

I was a little drunk.

What?
What?

My shit is orange.
JASON: Oh!

Oh, my God.Look at this!

Oh, no.

Who knew that could
even happen to you?

(BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING)

I didn't know you
could change colors.

Stop.
Your dick looks like a yam.

Your dick looks like a traffic cone.
Just stop.

Your dick looks like
a can of cheddar Pringles.

That's fucked up.

JASON: You dick looks like
Spike Lee at a Knicks game.

If your dick was jumping over the
river, it would be the General Lee.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

All right! All right! What happened
to you two idiots last night?

I freaked out and left. I
didn't know what to do.

It's her bread and butter. It's
how she keeps the lights on.

You basically
robbed a hooker.

I didn't rob her.

Yes, you did. You
robbed this hooker, man.

You're like the opposite
of Robin Hood.

I didn't rob her. And
that's the thing. I mean,

everything else
about her was perfect.

I mean, she was smart.
She was funny.

She was the kind of
girl I would date.

If she didn't, you know, happen
to fuck random guys for money.

ALL: Yeah. That's
really the only thing

that's getting in the way
of that relationship.

Fuck you guys.

Did you friend that girl yet, Mikey?
The glasses girl?

No. I mean, can you
even do that that fast?

Dude! You've gotta make her laugh.
Get a rapport going.

Yeah, man. Give me
your phone real quick.

Give him your phone. We live in
an extremely efficient world.

Somebody else could be
sealing the deal right now.

Listen, (CHUCKLES) last night was amazing.
Okay? I had a great time.

You guys were awesome.
Thank you.

All right?
But I'm gonna call Vera.

We've got things
that we need to work on.

No. That's a bad move.
Come on.

You don't wanna do that.
Horrible move.

We had so much fun last night.
Yeah.

Wow.

JASON: What?

Uh,she“.

She changed it.

BOTH; What?

What are you talking about?

Uh, Vera.

It used to say, "married,"
and now it says...

It says nothing.

All right,
I married a smart girl.

I married the right girl.
Right?

I went to med school
right after college.

I did what I was
supposed to do.

I checked the boxes.

JASON: But maybe what you
did didn't check hers.

MIKEY: We had
the same boxes.

DANIEL: Did you have
the same boxes?

Maybe you need a little
more experience with boxes.

Yeah, maybe we should lead you
down the path to better boxes.

Look, guys. I don't need that.
All right?

I need to call Vera and I
need to work this shit out.

That's what I'm going to do.
I need to call her, okay?

I need to call Vera. I need
to work this shit out.

It kills me to
see you like this.

Yeah.

Hey.

It's an opportunity
to have some fun.

Man, this is about
all of us, man.

This is about all
of us being together.

When are we all
gonna be unattached?

In our 30s we're gonna
settle down with kids.

We're gonna live a boring life.
It's about us right now.

I don't know.

We're staying single with you, man.
I just don't know.

We're staying
single with you.

We're gonna keep last night alive
as long as humanly possible.

Nobody gets
in a relationship.

Nobody changes
their status.

Right?

I'm in.

I'm in.

Come on!
Come on!

Come on!
Come on!

Michael? Are you in?

Fuck it. I'm in.

(ALL CHEERING)

So, we going for this?
Yeah.

I mean, it's a pretty
bleak ending to a book,

so shouldn't we leave people
with some hope?

From where in the Midwest
did this one wash up?

Fresh off her master's
from Chicago.

Master's in what?
Sentimentality?

I don't think so.

I just think you have to
believe in possibility.

Oh, sweetie. Welcome
to New York.

You're young and you're pretty
and the world is yours.

But you're nobody's
first wife yet.

Well, we're all pretty...

Oh! Oh, look who's here.
Hi.

FRED: Glad you could make it.

Yeah.

DANIEL: I gotta tell you I'm really
excited about this cover, guys.

JASON: (YAWNS) Hey.

Here you go.
Okay.

(SIGHS) Hey-

Holy shit.

Everyone. How's it going?

FRED: Good, good.

Uh...

So, do you want to
tell us a little bit

about your approach
with this cover?

Yeah. I'd love
a little explanation.

Um...

It... (STAMMERING)

It is what it is.

AMANDA: "It is what it is"?

That's what you say when
you get a parking ticket.

I know.

It looks to me like the
guy here wants to escape.

Hmm. Does he?

AMANDA: And we want him to stay.
That's the fantasy of men in the city.

It seems like she'll bring
him home in the bag,

totally trusting him and then
after they sleep together,

he'll prove to be
too much of an asshole

to actually stick around
for a couple of hours.

So tell me, Jason.
Why wouldn't the guy stay?

Hmm?

I thought
you were a hooker.

What?

A hooker.

Why?

There were hooker signs.

What's a hooker sign?

You had on hooker boots.
Lots of people have them.

There were tons of condoms.

Did you ever think
they might be there

because I'm not
having a ton of sex?

No! I thought they
were a hooker sign!

What's a hooker sign?

What about The Story of O?

That was research
for a book.

There were
envelopes full of cash.

I pay my landlord in cash so
that he can commit tax fraud.

How long have you
lived in New York?

Man, not long enough.

Yeah.

Wait. Can I make it
up to you?

Let me make it up to you.

You wanna make
it up to me?

Can I?

I don't know.

You can have my number.

And...

Maybe you can.

Yeah, dude. Everybody knows you
can't call a girl a hooker.

Even hookers hate
being called hookers.

I'm gonna bring
Ellie around.

No, you're not!
No, you're not.

I'm gonna get her
on the roster.

Wait. A roster?

Yeah. A roster.

It's a group of girls
that you're hooking up with

that keeps you from sending
the wrong message.

Which is what? That you
wanna date one of them.

You gotta start
building a roster.

Yeah. It'll help ease
the transition a little.

No, no. I do not need a roster.
Okay?

Yes, you do.

I can't keep one girl.

What makes you think I can
handle a bunch of them?

You just keep a bunch of them
for a short period of time

and then you send them out
into the world to flourish.

Like college kids.
Yes.

Or like capitalism.

And then you
replenish the team.

Think of a roster like a
spiritual and physical...

Mostly physical.

...rejuvenation
of the male soul.

Which you guys clearly
don't fucking have.

Think of it like a spa.

A spa for your cock.

A cock spa.
Yep.

You just got to
use whatever skills

that you have available to you.
Mmm.

Girls love
personalization.

You guys are idiots.

You're an idiot.

(DOOR OPENS)

Vera!

Look, I'm... I'm sorry
to barge in on you.

What are you doing here?

Okay, look.

I know that this is an
awkward thing to do, but...

Um...

I have been
having some pain.

And, um, I just...

I don't know.

You came because
you needed my help.

I came to apologize.
I did.

You came because you needed my help.
Mikey.

I just... I've been
thinking about you.

It really was just
a simple misunderstanding.

Yeah, it was like, "What
kind of girl would I be

"if I didn't eventually
find it funny?"

You'd be probably every other
girl in the world. I think.

I'm really sorry.

But I'm not every
other girl in the world.

No.

I guess you're not.

And then I kind of developed
my own style, I guess.

And now you...

Design book covers.

Amongst other things.

Well, I guess you get people
to believe in something enough

to want to buy it.

I get people to
believe in the surface.

To do the one thing your
parents told you not to do.

To judge a book
by its cover.

Exactly.

Oh, we weren't
supposed to do that.

You weren't
supposed to do that.

See? I was encouraged.

Another example of
just plain awful parenting.

But, like, the job
that you have right now,

like, is it something that you
actually want to be doing?

You know what?
It can be fun.

But do I love it?

You don't.
No.

Don't you want
to love something?

What? Do you love
what you do?

I started this
new lecture series.

And authors can come along and
they can talk about their work.

That's awesome.
Yes. So great.

And people come?
No.

No?
No. (LAUGHS)

But I...

It's okay. I mean, I figure
that if I keep doing It,

it could be a really,
really amazing thing.

(LAUGHING)

You should come along to one
of them if you're around.

Oh, I don't know.

I can't really tell if
it's important to you.

(LAUGHING)

I'm sorry.
That's a weird laugh.

ELLIE: This is my favorite
place in the city.

JASON: Yeah.
It's beautiful.

(LAUGHS) I know that I'm
romanticizing the idea,

but come on.

That's kind of my dream. To
have the key to Gramercy Park.

New York's charm is you're
surrounded by things you can't have.

New York's charm is it makes
you think you can have them.

You know, I'd love to look
inside before we buy.

Me, too.

In the meantime,
we can go back to my place.

It's very similar, actually.

Except for
everything about it.

I gotta get home.

Okay. Yours, it is.

You're one hell
of a negotiator.

This kind of stuff just rolls
off your tongue doesn't it?

I'm just trying
to make you laugh.

I don't like how
well it's working.

(SIGHS) Fuck...

CHELSEA: Wait, so you guys still
haven't gotten Mikey laid?

No.
What's wrong with you?

You're like
the worst wingman ever.

Are you kidding me, Chelsea?
I'm an incredible wingman.

I know, but, like, nothing?

It's just harder
than you think with him.

Like, what about a blowjob?

I'm good right now,
but thank you.

Uh-huh.
Maybe in, like, 10 minutes?

Maybe after this beer?

Sorry, I'm just
making a mental list

of all the things I'd like to
do before giving you a blowjob.

Wow. Really?

Oh! Kill myself
is number one.

Are you serious?
Jesus. What's number two?

Uh... Just, like,
awaiting trial in Guantanamo.

Mmm-hmm? Yup.
Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Oh, come on, man. The blues?
Are you fucking serious?

What the fuck does Captain
Attractive have to be so sad about?

I don't know.

I think he's going for
brooding and dark, mysterious.

It's kind of working for me.

That is working?
Yes.

You cannot be that attractive and
have a skill. That's bullshit.

Well, I'm gonna play,
so you're wrong.

Ooh, then somebody's
in trouble.

Cheer up, asshole.
You're the guy.

Buckle up.

Hey, excuse me? I just wanted
to tell you great job.

I almost cried right there.

It was really
some powerful stuff.

Yeah. It was brooding, dark,
and mysterious, apparently.

Yeah. Thanks.That's
what I was going for.

Told you.

This is my friend, Chelsea.

She's not much to look at, but wait
till you hear her play the piano.

Really good.

I can't wait. I'm Diego.

I know you are.

I warn you, though. She can be
really aggressive sometimes.

(LAUGHS) Is that right?

But you can tame her with
tequila and compliments.

Yeah.
So...

Super aggressive.
Oh, yeah?

Hey, are you home?

MIKEY: No. I'm at the hospital.
Where are you?

I'm headed back.

All right. So?

How was it?

It was amazing, man.
She was amazing.

So is she coming back
to the house or what?

Not exactly.

(PLAYING AFTER YOU'VE GONE)

♪ Now listen, honey,
while I say

♪ How can you fix your mind
to say you're going away?

♪ Don't say that we must part

♪ Don't break my aching heart

♪ You know you love me...

Hey.

After midnight? Really?

I couldn't sleep.
Hmm.

It's good to see you.

♪ How can you leave me?

♪ Listen while I say
(SIGHS)

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

♪ After you've gone

♪ After you've gone away S'

(LAUGHING)

So what happened with you
and the piano man? Rodrigo?

Diego?
Diego.

I don't know.

I don't want to date a guy that's
prettier than me. You know?

Yeah. Me neither.

Plus, he works out.

I don't want a man
that works out.

Yeah. I worked out
once. 2004.

Got on the 15 dumbbells.

I was like, "Those are way too
light, let me go to the 30s."

Nice.
And if you feel it...

Don't. I don't
wanna touch it.

And then I hit the hammies.

Some quads.
And if you feel that.

You definitely
got the lingo down.

Do you see that?
No.

Ah, well...
Fat.

That's what happens
when you work out

Once.
(LAUGHS)

What are you
doing here anyway?

What do you mean?
I don't know.

Weren't you supposed to hang out
with that girl from Trinity?

Oh, yeah. I had to tell her I wasn't
looking for anything too serious.

Oh. 'Cause if it ever
stopped being fun for you

guys, you'd want
to just call it off?

That's... Yeah.
I know.

You got it down.

Brother. I know the spiel.
Brother.

Yeah.

I don't know. I just
thought you liked her.

I did like her.

She was cool, really smart,
funny, well-read.

Great family.
Love it

And gave the best blowjob
in recorded history.

I feel like every
blowjob you get,

you think is the best
in recorded history...

Well, if you look at
the common variable

across all encounters,
you'll find that it's me.

So maybe I'm the best in recorded
history at receiving blowjobs.

Barn.
Barn.

Think about that.
Don't want to.

Cheers to me getting awesome
blowjobs and just being good at it.

You're such an idiot.
Oh!

Oh.

(BOTH PANTING)

So? Jason, where
is this going?

(QUIETLY) Fuck.

Um...

Look, I think
you're an amazing girl.

And if I was in
a different place, maybe,

but, I mean,
you know that I'm not

really looking for
anything serious.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. As soon as this
stops being fun for one of us.

Hey, J-Go! How'd it
go with that hooker?

Oh!

Did you just
call me a hooker?

No, I meant
the other... Um...

Yeah. I just said
the wrong thing just now.

You think?

Yes.

Hey, Mikey?
(CLEARS THROAT)

Mikey?
Mmm?

Can you shut the door?
Oh, shit.

Okay. I'd like to
apologize.

Don't worry about it.

Caffeine?

No, thanks. I gotta run.

But at least he offers.

I offer.

You've never offered.

For the record. I'm
sorry for anything I said.

Am saying. And might
say in the future.

An apology. So sweet.

I like him better than you.
For the record.

For the record,
he is better than me.

Ha!
This is true.

Bye.

So you went outwith...
Ellie.

Then you came home
and had sex with...

Alana.

Jesus!

I did that for you.
You did it for me?

Yeah. You had sex with a
beautiful woman for me?

Yeah. For you.

Thank you. Thank you.

If I need anything else, I'll
be sure to let you know.

I'm just building
my roster, man.

Roster?
Yeah, my roster.

Ellie's on the way in.

Alana just gave me
the "so."

The "so"?

Yeah, the "so."

When it comes to girls, nothing
good ever follows the word "so."

"So," where is this going?

"So," what're we doing?

And you just got the "so"?

Yeah, I just got the "so."

So that's when you get out.

Always?

Always.

You're a fucking idiot.

JASON: So Chelsea worked
her magic again?

Yeah, yeah. In a sense, yeah.
Really?

So, is she, like, hot.
She smart, cool?

Oh, yeah. Yeah,
all of the above.

Wow, really?

Yeah. I'm not
gonna date her.

She's not datable if that's
what you're getting at, okay?

So let's just calm down.

What about you? Did you
see what's-her-name?

Ellie?
Oh, yeah.

Yeah. We, like, went to the park.
We hung out.

Went to the park,
hung out?

You liked this girl when you
thought she was a hooker.

(LAUGHS)

Are you falling in love?
No, man.

I think you are. I can
hear it in your voice.

I had sex with Alana.

You had sex with both of them?
No.

You fucking
double gophered?

I didn't.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.

You double gophered?
I love that.

You had sex with both of them.
That's awesome.

No, I didn't. Ellie went home.
Alana came over.

That's what
I love about you.

Like, you never
push too hard.

You always have a backup.
Yeah.

You're like Judge Reinhold
in Beverly Hills Cop.

I'm not getting
in a relationship.

Except you're an asshole.
(LAUGHS)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello. This is Ellie.

JASON: Hey.

It's Jason.

All right, we're going
on a date tomorrow.

Gramercy Park.
Dress nicely.

No questions.

You in?

Yeah.

Vera, we have to talk.

JASON: Mikey, did you call
the glasses girl, yet?

Can you come see me
tonight? It's important.

Dude. Tell us
how the call went.

Nope. I'm not pissing.
Okay.

Come on in.
First of all,

your dick looks like it found Nemo.
Stop.

Second of all, are you
gonna see glasses girl?

She gonna come
see me tonight.

First of all, I think your click
looks like a snowman's nose.

Can you stop?
Second of all,

Mmm-hmm. l thought you
worked tonight?

She might come by the hospital.
No.

Mikey, I love your
thinking on this, man.

The work-date combination.

It's very impressive.
Yeah.

I'm just thinking on my toes.

JASON: He knows shit, man.

It's casual.
lt's innovative.

Mmm.
I love your work, man.

I love that jacket.
Where are you going tonight?

I have a pretty big
night ahead of me.

I'm playing the incredibly
wealthy Mr. Von Ferrington.

That's so awesome!

You're role playing.
You're committing.

Exactly. What
are you doing?

I'm going to
meet up with Chelsea

and see what we
can make happen.

Again?

Why is she always hooking
you up with girls?

Have you looked in the mirror?
Have you looked at me?

I'm the most attractive.
So it's the easiest.

Come on.
Yeah! That's why.

Guys, in high school, I was voted
most likely to have the best eyes.

MIKEY: That's just not true.
So...

Yeah, right.

You idiot.

MRS. ROSE: Do you know that
James Harper lived here?

JASON: Really? He used to
be the mayor of New York.

You've really chosen a wonderful
property to look at Mr. Von...

Ferrington.
Ferrington.

Von Ferrington.
Von Ferrington.

I mean, this is one of the
finest properties in the city.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Look at the parquet floors that
are all inlaid and original.

And this.

Let me show you this.

Unfettered access
to the private park

is, of course, one of the finest
things about living on Gramercy.

Unfettered?

Unfettered.

And now further, I'd like you to
take a look at this wrought iron.

Lattice wrought iron
which is the original.

Original?

And we have in
here a beautiful,

beautiful,
beautiful chandelier,

which is cut crystal.

You'll notice all of the
detail on the ceiling.

Now the Obasan rug is
original of the period.

And we have over there
a stained glass window.

Let's go.
Why?

Look at the detail
on this poster here.

Let's go, let's go, let's go!
I'll explain later.

Oh, here, the kitchen.

Quick! The old
woman's coming!

Hello?

Won't we get caught?

I don't think so.
Let's go.

Hello?

Mr. Ferrington?

Hello?

Whoa, whoa. Slow down. Slow down.
Just walk normal.

What do you mean walk...

You're walking like a criminal.
What? This is how I walk.

I'm not a criminal.

But I am.

We have to go. Let's go!

Hello?

Hello?

Okay. You said
we need to talk.

Nobody says,
"We need to talk,"

unless it's
really bad news, right?

No,no,no.

And my grandmother
had ovarian cancer.

No,no,no. You're fine,
you're fine, you're fine!

The tests they ran indicated
nothing out of the ordinary.

I have all the symptoms.
Baby, you're fine.

You're fine. You're okay.

Come here.
What was that message then?

Come here. No, no.
Come here.

Okay. I am sorry.
I just wanted to talk.

Oh, my God.
You are such an idiot.

You are such an idiot.

Yes.

Just... Just...
Just come sit down. Okay?

(SIGHS)

Oh, God.

Breathe. Breathe.

Oh, God, I thought
I was dying.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah. You thought
you were dying.

That was me.

(EXHALES)

Where did we go wrong?

Like, what happened?

What happened to us?

What happened? I...

I mean, we got
married at 23 years old,

I just don't think at that
point you are ready for a life

without excitement
or spontaneity.

Spontaneity?

I mean, I'm spontaneous.

We didn't have sex
for almost six months.

You want spontaneous?

Hey.
Hi.

Are you sick or something?
No.

Those aren't
going out clothes.

Well, who's going out?

I thought we were going out.

BOTH: Oh!

That was pretty badass.
Mmm-hmm.

I can get fired
for that shit.

You know, when I was a kid, I
used to love going to parks.

And my grandfather
used to take me every Sunday.

But my ex hated parks.

He thought they were
like too public or something.

He sounds
like a real dick.

What? My ex?

Your grandfather.

(LAUGHING)

So what happened
between the two of you?

Well, I graduated from school
and I moved to New York.

And he took a job in Chicago.

And it was sort of like a
focus-on-your-work-life-first sort of thing.

They call us
the selfish generation.

What about you?

Who's the one that got you?

How dare you
assume that I have

any emotional
capacity whatsoever?

Get out of my park.
No.

Get out.
No.

It's okay.
You can come back.

Damn it!

I was so not gonna do that.

I was gonna hold out.

I was gonna make you wait,
like, 40 days or something.

I was gonna
make you wait, too,

but then I realized,
"I'm a dude."

(LAUGHING)

Hey, guys. It's Fred.

Jesus! Fred, you're like
Reverse Elvis, you know.

Fred, you entered
the building.

I love Elvis.

"Thank you, very much."

What's up, Fred?

Well, Ellie from Simon just sent
over the Matterhorn book cover.

And she wants us
to do it?

Specifically.

Specifically?

Specifically.
DANIEL: Whoo!

I'll get in on that.

Right.

Come on.

Thanks, Fred.
Yeah.

All right.

Gonna do it!

Wait, okay, so let me
get this straight.

You have sex with this girl.
We get a job out of it?

Certainly seems that way.

And to think this whole time, we
thought that poor girl was a hooker.

Well, yeah.

But in reality, the only
prostitute here is you.

(CHUCKLES)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(SIGHS)

ELLIE: No one came again.

Again? Why don't you
get better authors?

Oh, you know, I never even thought of that.
(JASON LAUGHS)

Yes, I've tried that.
I've been trying.

Well, come by my place
after for a drink.

I'll come by after.

I don't understand why you won't tell me.
Just tell me where you did it.

I'm not telling you,
so stop asking.

Why? You know you're gonna tell me.
You tell me everything.

I do. But I'm not
telling you this right now.

Why?
'Cause I'm whupping your ass.

You get all precious with this
stuff and you throw down,

and slap me in the mouth.

Whenever you start losing,
you just get upset.

Dude, did you just take
another shit in there?

No, I'm not.
Every time.

Why do you care so much about
what I'm doing in there?

I wasn't taking a shit.

You're
so disgusting. Dude.

Why do you guys care so much
what I do in the bathroom?

And I wasn't
taking a shit.

MIKEY: Every time.
Yes, you...

Have a little faith. What
are you guys talking about?

Mikey won't tell me where
he had sex last night.

Oh, Mikey, where did you
have sex last night?

Why do you care so much
about where I had sex?

'Cause we're your friends.
We wanna know.

Where'd you have sex, Mikey?

The hospital.

JASON: (GASPS) With the glasses girl?
Are you serious?

Oh, my God! You Grey's
Anatomy motherfucker!

Mikey,
that is awesome.

Dude, your wife never would've
had sex in the hospital.

She's too uptight.
Not in a million years.

I'm fucking proud of you.
Really am proud of you.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)
Whoa! What is that?

I don't know.

MIKEY: You order food?

I mean, we're all here.

I didn't order food. Did
you order food? No.

ELLIE ON INTERCOM: Hey.

So. It's Ellie.

What the fuck?
Are you serious, dude?

Jason, this is a den
of testosterone, man.

This is a pre-game.
This is my apartment.

That's a good point.

It's not a good point. First of all,
guys, I just took a shit in there.

I knew it.
It's every time.

Why don't you take a shit
at your own apartment?

You can't invite a girl
to a place like this.

I didn't invite her.
DANIEL: You didn't invite her?

No.
That's worse.

That's some girlfriend shit.

Some I-have-a-girlfriend
shit.

Okay, well, I'm gonna
buzz her in.

Don't buzz her.
Don't buzz her in.

I'm gonna buzz her in.
Jason, don't buzz her in.

Don't buzz...
Don't buzz her in, man.

We're having such
good guy time right now.

Oh, shit.

I just buzzed her in.

He fucking buzzed her in.
Okay.

He buzzed her in.

Really?
JASON: Okay.

Both you guys
need to calm down.

We're not supposed to see them more
than twice in one week, all right?

And you're seeing this chick
twice in one day.

Dude. Relax.

DANIEL: Invite her
up then, man!

She's not gonna
wanna talk about Xbox.

So, I'm gonna be
sitting here being like,

"I have to fart but
maybe I can't right now."

She better have some hot friends.
Dude, you're pissing me off.

Open the door. I don't care.
I'm getting wasted.

Hey.l hope
I'm not interrupting.

Hi.

No. You're not interrupting.
You're not interrupting anything.

So this is this is Daniel. This is Mikey.
We went to college together.

Guys, Ellie.

Daniel is
a manipulative idiot.

And Mikey has
an orange dick.

Hi.

Really, dude?

That's really
good to know.

I brought scotch. I don't know
if you guys drink scotch.

She brought scotch?

You should try it.
Hmm!

Let's try it.

What are you
guys playing?

A little XboX.

Can I play?

(SIGHS)

Yeah.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Apparently, her ex-boyfriend
played a lot of Halo.

You know what? It's late. I gotta go.
I gotta go to West Side.

No, you're not. We're not letting you.
No. We're not letting you go.

I promise you
we get funnier.

But tonight is Mikey's night.
You know, I can feel it.

MIKEY: I pray to God it is.

That's what I was
telling you, too, baby.

I forgot to tell you, it's
my birthday coming up soon.

(GASPS) Really?
Mmm-hmm.

Usually people are
more subtle about this.

(LAUGHS)

No, not like that.

I'm going to throw myself
a surprise birthday party.

You're throwing yourself
a surprise party? Yeah.

Well, I'm surprised.
Yeah,

everybody's gonna get
dressed up and decked out.

And you should
do the same.

It's a dress-up party?
Absolutely, yeah.

I'm so in. I love
getting dressed up.

Sweet.

He's actually
giving her eye contact?

He's engaged.

Bye.
Bye.

That's a great painting,
by the way.

Thank you.

MIKEY: (SIGHS) That's nice.
It was beautiful, man.

That was really nice.
That was quite nice.

And I do love her.
I do.

I really like her.

I really liked it when she came
by without telling anybody.

I really liked it when she
kissed you on the cheek.

And I really like that you're
about to lose this bet.

Yep.
Jason, do you remember

when we said we're
all gonna stay single?

Yeah, well, it looks
like you're fucked.

I'm not fucked.

You are so fucked!

I'm not fucked.
Let's go out.

(LAUGHING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Hey, Chels!
Hey. Sorry, guys.

Can we get
tequila shots, please?

Sotheby's kept me late.

MIKEY: Then they can take
care of these drinks.

Oh, they will?
Hey.

It's good to see you.
You, too.

DANIEL: I'm still going.
JASON: That's not cool.

All right cheers!
Cheers!

Oh, Chels, you're up.

Get it.

Oh, my God,
I love your shoes.

Oh, thank you.
That's so sweet.

That should've been me.

This is my friend,
Daniel.

Hi.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Okay.

Okay. (LAUGHS)

What...

The fuck was that?

Seriously.
That was god-awful.

That was horrendous.

I got nothing...
I don't know.

Are you serious right now? You
just dropped the ball. Seriously.

You just dropped
the ball big time.

I'm having an off night.
I don't know.

JASON: Having an off night?

Even Jordan
has off nights.

Whoa!

Very ambitious.

What? What's wrong?

That teddy bear.

Mr. Wiggles?

Fuck, Mr. Wiggles.
Yeah, Mr. Wiggles.

Because, I know,

your ex-boyfriend
gave you that teddy bear.

And I said he was a pussy,
which he was.

And then you
broke up with him.

But I was thinking
about you guys together.

And him having sex with you. And
then I thought about him naked.

And you know. And all that stuff.
Oh, really? Yeah.

And my boner just started
to wilt like warm lettuce.

I'm gonna get rid
of the teddy bear!

Thank you.

Creeped me out.
Yeah.

Um...

Chelsea, I just really
want you to know something.

And I wanted to
be very clear.

You're not looking for
anything serious right now?

Look, Daniel, this thing
doesn't have to be a thing.

And if you want to go
back to being friends,

we can go back
to being friends.

I don't want to go
back to anything.

That's what I was
going to tell you.

I really like being here.

That's what
I was going to say.

You working this weekend?
Mmm-hmm.

You should come
by the hospital.

Again.

Yeah. Again.

You'd like that,
wouldn't you?

Yeah, I would.

Come by again and
again and again.

DANIEL: Check this one out.

That's impressive.
Very impressive.

STORE OWNER: Something
for the two of you?

What's up, man?

Something for the two of you?

Oh, no, no, no.
We're not gay, man.

And we're just... We just
need a giant strap-on dildo.

Which I know sounds a little gay.
But it's for a costume.

It's right here.
Right in front of you.

Wait.lhave a serious
question for you. Yeah.

Think.

If you were gay,
would you date me?

Definitely not.

What?
What?

I would not
date you, Jason.

Why?

Because
you're not my type.

What the fuck
does that mean?

Oh, what?
Are you offended?

I'm completely offended.

Deal with it.

You'd gay date me.
You know you would.

Honestly, if were to have
sex with you, Jason,

which apparently
you really want,

you would probably be like
top three hottest chicks

I've ever had sex with.

That's actually true.
Mmm-hmm.

Man, how much are these?

For you? $75.

For me? 'Cause
we're such good friends?

These are all
dishwasher safe.

I don't think you should
go to this party, man.

Dude,I can go to the party.
It's gonna be fun.

$65.

Dude, who the fuck are you
negotiating with right now?

$60.

Okay. Look. I'm
telling you, man.

This party is a road
to a relationship.

And that road is paved with
responsibility and lack of selfishness.

And what the fuck am I holding right now?
What is this?

I have no idea.

Ah!
Clever.

It comes with
an extra balloon.

Why would I need
an extra balloon?

In case it pops.
Why would it pop?

If you try too hard.

What?

(WALKING BACKWARDS PLAYING)

♪ I was tangled
in all the wires

♪ Tied down,
and I felt the fire

♪ There was nothing
for me to do

Sick cock, bro.

Thanks.

What's up?

♪ It's flush
in the face desire...

Hey.
Yeah.

Happy birthday!

Jason? What are
you wearing?

Rock out with
my cock out.

It's not my
real cock, though.

Clearly.

Yeah.

Uh...

So it's a different
kind of dress-up party?

Yeah.

This is a classic
case of miscommunication.

It's really...
It's just a classic.

Yeah.

Um... Oh.

Um...

These are my parents.

My mom, Jodie,
and my dad, Bill.

Holy shit.

This is Jason.

I'm sorry. Hi.

I'm just gonna pretend that
this isn't happening. Hi.

Hello.
Hi. I'm Jason.

Hi.

Bill.
Jason. Nice to meet you.

Oh, goodness.
Oh!

That should not
have happened.

That shouldn't
have happened.

Yeah.

It's a cocktail.

Shouldn't have said that.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

I'm just gonna go
and check the...

You know what?
Just excuse me one sec.

♪ I've been looking
for a new emotion

♪ I've been taken
with a new emotion a'

Cheers!
(ALL CHEERING)

No. I got to hand it
to you, man.

I'm impressed by the
way you hung in there.

I should have left. I
definitely should have left.

I guess I'm
a sucker for abuse.

You must be.

You know the hardest part
about this costume?

It was seeing this thing
next to my actual dick.

(LAUGHS) I can
only imagine.

I didn't know whether
to cry or go kill myself.

What are you
laughing at, Bill?

L like this guy, Ell.

I like this guy.

Don't encourage him, Dad.

Don't encourage him.

So?

So?

What do Jason and
Mikey think about this?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean,
like, whatever we're doing.

What have you told them?

I mean,
I told them everything.

Yeah. They're really
happy for you.

Sorry. They're
happy for me?

They're happy
for both of us.

They're just so happy
for the two of us.

That's what they... Yeah,
they're just really happy.

And Jason's taking it okay?

Yeah. I mean, he was
a little angry at first,

but now he's in the
fourth stage of grieving.

Denial?

Masturbation.

You know what's so cool?

When I'm being really
serious and you're like,

"Hey, I'm Daniel.
I'm, like, really funny."

I don't sound
anything like that.

You sound exactly like that.

"Hey, I'm Daniel."

You sound like you have
peanut butter in your mouth.

No.
What do you want me to say?

They think it's cool
that I'm slumming it?

Slumdogging?

No. Honestly, I'm just
happy you told them.

I know how
you are with girls.

Or at least how you've been.

(WON'T YOU COME HOME PLAYING)

You know what?

Your dad...

Awesome.

Well, he likes you, too, even
though you had that thing on.

Maybe that's why he liked me.

You know you don't have to
clear up anything.

You don't have to help.

No, I want to.

You can't wake up to this.
It's disgusting.

The apartment or you?

You've always hated me.

Just stop talking
for one minute.

I know it's really hard,
but you can just try.

You've always hated me.

♪ Won't you come home,
I surrender

♪ I miss my sweet bag of
bones, drunk and tender

♪ Why don't you want
to stay here suspended

♪ In the dead arms of
a year that has ended? a“

I'm gonna take a shower.

Okay-
Okay-

Last night was amazing.

And this morning.

(DOOR CLOSING)

ELLIE: Do you think you
could grow old in New York?

I'm not gonna get old.

Getting old looks
so tiring.

I know. You just, like,
wake up in the morning

and have to figure out what
to do in between meals.

I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna get an old Jaguar
XK-E, completely restored.

And then I'm gonna
eat a ton of acid.

Like, so much acid that if you
went to go see Cirque du Soleil,

you'd think you
were in Connecticut.

(LAUGHING)

And then I'm gonna speed up
the West Side Highway,

as fast as a car can go,
crash through the divider,

and careen off
into the Hudson.

In slow-motion,
of course.

Of course.

And that would be it.

My death, premeditated.

Okay.

I mean, here's what's
actually gonna happen.

What?

You'll be 70 years old.

So you'll think
you're going 150,

but actually you're going
25 at best, 15 at worst.

You can't see, so the acid
you think you're eating

will actually be
an errant Lipitor.

You're going to forget what you were
doing in the car in the first place,

bump into the divider,
wet yourself, ruin the car,

lose your license, and your
dignity in one fell swoop.

And then you're gonna be ushered
off into some rest home,

where you have to
wake up in the mornings,

and figure out what the hell
to do in between meals.

You know, you don't have to be right
about everything all the time?

DANIEL: How's Ellie?

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

What do you mean?

What do you mean
what do I mean?

Nothing.
What are you talking about?

(CHUCKLES) What are you talking about?
So? What's up?

Nothing. Where's Chelsea?

What do you mean?

I mean, where is
Chelsea is what I mean.

I gotta talk to
you about Chelsea.

ALL: Oh!

What's going on?

Why are you so happy?
Yeah?

I can't be happy to
see my two best friends?

That's not a happy-to-see-your-
two-best-friends face.

No?

What is going on?

You're girl happy.

Look at me.
Did you bone again?

You boned again,
didn't you?

No. What are you...
Did you?

No. That's ridiculous. Can you
stop looking at me like that?

You're a fucking animal!
Yes, you did! Did you?

Did you? Hmm?

Who was it?
Glasses girl?

Was it?

Glasses girl.
Was it?

BOTH: Hey! Oh!

Wow. Mikey.

It's the beginning of a
beautiful roster, buddy.

Yeah, man. I'm proud of you.
I'm proud of you.

Thank you.
I'm also proud of you.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Your phone is ringing.

Are you going to answer that?
No.

Mmm. You should.
It might be a hot

lonely girl looking
to talk to me,

but she has your number.
(RINGING CONTINUES)

No. It's Ellie.
No, it's not.

I can read it. It's
right there on the bar.

It says, "Ellie." See that?

I'll get it later.

That's real mature.

Yeah. You should
answer it,

because she's
your girlfriend.

It's... Yeah.
My girlfriend.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) MIKEY: Oh, shit.
She's calling again.

Back to back?

Answer that phone! She might
need you to pick up diapers!

Or, like, tampons,
or something like that.

I'm outwith you guys.
I'm not fucking answering it.

Well, I'm gonna answer it.
I wish I wasn't.

Hey, Ellie! What's up? No, it's Daniel.
It's Jason's best man.

He just crossed a line.
It's his best man friend.

Best man? What are you talking about?
Uh-huh. Yeah.

All right.
Here he is. Here he is.

Hi.
Hi.

Hello. All strong arm-y.
You wanna strong arm me?

He gets so angry.

Yeah. Hello?

I can hear you.

Ellie?

Oh, my God.
What? What's up?

Her dad just died.

Her dad died.

You have to.
It's not even a question.

You have to show up
at that funeral.

If I set foot anywhere near that
funeral, then we're dating.

Then don't go, dude.

What the fuck are
you talking about?

What the fuck are
you talking about?

If he doesn't want
to go to the funeral,

why should he go
to the funeral?

Are you not a human being?
Do you not have a soul?

Technically, she didn't
even invite me.

Technically? She has to
invite you to a funeral?

Yeah. What, he's supposed
to show up and say,

"Hey. I'm Jason. I'm actually
fucking the dead guy's daughter"?

What're you
talking about?

If anything, I'm just
gonna be a distraction.

It's like...

It's better than
being an asshole. Okay?

It's better than
being an asshole.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

I know. l wish
I could be home, too.

Next year. I promise.
But happy Thanksgiving.

I miss you, too.

Tell Dad I say hello.

I love you, too.

Yeah, no. Take your time.
Take your time.

I'll be here.
Finishing up. Ah, yeah.

Here. That's set.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh!

I'm so glad you came.

You look great.

You look great.
Nice flowers.

Thank you. They're not for you.
They're for your grandma.

Grandma.
There you go.

I picked them myself on the way over.
No big deal.

God. She
is so sweet.

I see where you
get your looks from.

Shameless of you.
Yeah.

What? I'm not trying to
have sex with your grandma.

Ew. Gross.

Unless you think
she's into it.

Don't think she's...
Then maybe I will. Grandma!

Don't... He may be into it.
I'm just kidding.

All right. I'm just saying.

Like, in two generations I could be
responsible for making you again.

Okay.
It's called science.

It's called disgusting.

So are Mikey
and Jason coming?

No, I don't think they're
gonna make it this year.

Oh, babe, I'm so sorry.
I know I'm late.

Traffic was awful.

It's a holiday.

(SIGHS) Hi.

Oh, the turkey
looks beautiful!

And you got the red I like.

I made everything
just how you like it.

I know you did.

Mmm. This red is so smooth.

I don't know. It feels a
little off balance to me.

Yeah?
What do you mean?

I don't know. Like
something doesn't belong.

Maybe it needs to
breathe a little.

It has, like,
a chocolate undertone.

Maybe you're just
reacting to that flavor.

Or maybe 'cause you're still
fucking Harold. I can't tell.

You know his jacket
is still in the closet?

It's a great jacket. Why's
it in the fucking closet?

Can we please
just enjoy this?

I've been trying to pretend
that things haven't changed.

Things have changed.

Then what are we doing?

What are we doing?

We're having fun.
I don't know.

"I don't know"?

That's it?

"I don't know"?

We had everything
we wanted.

A great apartment.
A great job.

You're making partner in a year.
I'm in the ER.

We checked
each other's boxes!

Why didn't we
ever talk about kids?

It's because neither of us saw that
future and you know that's true.

Maybe I should go.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SIGHS)

I just need to
hear you say it.

Just say it.

I don't love you anymore.

(CHIMES)

So, I said to Paul, after
our first lunch downtown,

I thought you two would
be perfect for one another.

Mom.

Susan, to be honest, I feel like
I'd be perfect with anybody.

You know, for your daughter,
it was just right place

at the right time.
Aw!

You know,
like working at Google.

You've got
a job at Google?

No. I was just...
You know, that's not...

Possible.
Right.

Daddy, Daniel was actually just telling
Mom that he was too good for me.

No. Daniel wasn't.
Was that right?

Now there, you're... Well, you're
taking it out of context, sir.

It's the other way around.
I'm very lucky.

Well, calm down, Daniel. We know
you're not too good for Chelsea.

Paul?
Dad?

And well, we are very
happy to have you here.

I've got 3 grand on the Cowboys.
I could use a drinking buddy.

Yeah, I'd love
a drink right now.

Let's get a drink!
Okay, great.

You scared them away.

Thanks.

What?

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Oh.

I have wanted to
rip your clothes off

ever since you
walked into this party.

Oh, my God, Grandma! Your
hands smell like stuffing!

Wait, wait. I don't know.
Should we do this right now?

What, you're gonna
say no to sex?

No. I love sex.
I love sex with you.

But I'm saying, like, 'cause your
family's out there and stuff.

Oh, yeah.
And your dad is kind of...

You know what? Maybe
stop being such a pussy.

Okay.

(BOTH MOANING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

(WHISPERING)
Did you lock the door?

(WHISPERING)
I think so.

You think so
or you know so?

You came in after me.
You should have locked it.

Shh! Quiet.

(URINATING)

I think it's your grandma.
She's coming for me.

I knew I shouldn't have
given her those flowers.

She's coming for me.

Jesus. What the fuck?

Okay. Hey.
Oh, my God!

Hey,dude.

What the fuck are
you doing in here?

Don't look at my
fucking dick, man!

Oh, my God.
You guys are fucking?

It doesn't mean what
you think it means.

CHELSEA: Oh, it doesn't?
lt doesnW?

No. it doesn't mean that.

Oh, what does our relationship
mean to you, Daniel?

Relationship? You guys
are in a relationship?

You didn't tell him?

You told me you told him!
You fucking lied to me.

What I should have said in this
situation was that I didn't.

Oh, of course.
l didn't tell him.

Jesus Christ, Daniel.

We're not dating, okay?
If that's what...

Oh, my God. Fuck you.

What the fuck?

What the fuck?
What the fuck?

What the fuck is right!
What are you doing here?

Jesus! Does no one in
this house lock a door?

Where are you coming from?
I was with Vera.

What the fuck?
What the fuck?

Your ex-wife?

Why were you with Vera?

'Cause I was
trying to work it out.

But it's over now.

MIKEY: Oh, my God.
Hey, man.

Do not hug me with no pants on.
Bring it here.

Do not hug me
with no pants on.

You're right.
Respect. Respect.

What were you doing trying
to work it out with Vera?

Because that's what I do, Jason.
I try to make things work.

But you wouldn't
know anything about that

'cause you always
playing shit safe.

No. Because we had a deal.

We were staying single.
CHELSEA: Wait. Single?

It's a long story. We'll
talk about it later.

I didn't go to a funeral.
You both lied to me

I did that for you.
I did that for both of you.

Wait, wait, wait. You didn't
do any of this shit for us.

You do everything
for you.

You want us to be
just like Jason.

And I can't think of anything I want
more than to be nothing like you.

Your wife fucked some other
dude and you're mad at me.

Whoa, man.

You wanna
say that again?

She might still be
fucking this dude. Oh!

Stop it. You guys, stop it!
Get the fuck out!

Stop. Come
on, man.

Your dick is touching me, man!
I'm sorry.

You know what?
Fuck you guys!

I can go back to my life!
My roster, my fun!

All my shit!
And do it without you!

Okay? We weren't getting into
relationships! That was the deal!

It really wasn't
about anything other than

having my two best friends
and I back together again.

That was it.

Now look at the shit
you guys are in!

You're a sad man.

Yeah. Fuck you, Mikey.

Oh, wow.

Happy Thanksgiving,
everyone.

Such a special
time of year.

(STILL LIFE PLAYING)

♪ Under a sky no one sees

♪ Waiting,
watching it happening

♪ Don't hurry
Give it time

♪ Things are the way
they have to be

♪ Slow down
Give it time

♪ Still life
You know I'm listening

♪ The moment that you want is
coming if you give it time

♪ When you wake up
When you wake up

♪ YOU Will find me

♪ When you wake up
When you wake up

♪ YOU Will find me A'

Ellie?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, look, I'd love to.

Love to what?

Get a coffee.
Talk for a few hours.

Get a drink after.
Maybe some tequila?

Jason.

What? Is that not
what you just said?

I could have sworn I just heard
you say that you wanted to...

Jason.

What?

You weren't there for me.

On a day when I really,
really needed you.

And being there for someone
when they need you?

That's all
relationships are, Jason.

That's all they are.

You Okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I just can't...

Can't stop thinking
about what she's doing.

Like, when I'm not there.

I know what the couch
looks like at her place.

I just can't stop
imagining the different

people that are
all sitting on it.

A guy.

A different guy.

A new guy-

Just every guy but me.

Sitting on that couch.

Well,

it sounds to me like
you just need to get laid.

(BOTH MOANING)

I know this is
gonna sound crazy.

Then don't say it.
No.

This is gonna sound even more
crazy, given the new information.

Shh.
No, listen.

I'm sorry. I can't do this.

Wow. What?

I'm just still
getting over someone.

Come on. You're gonna
go full-girl with it?

I think I made
a terrible mistake.

I know I can be selfish,
arrogant,

distant and
emotionally retarded.

I'm just gonna stop
you right there because

whatever it is that you're doing
right now is not what we do.

I just needed
somebody to talk to.

Jason?

Don't you have any friends?

(DOOR CLOSING)

These actually
do go together.

Didn't see that coming.

I'm sorry.

I know.

I just...

I don't know,
to be honest, I'm having

so much fun
hanging out, you know,

and chasing girls.
And doing the thing and...

"Doing the thing"?
Yeah, I miss that.

And I'm not gonna be able to
do that if I'm with Chelsea.

You know that.

I know.

Okay.

Go tell her how you feel.

Go make a scene.

Yeah.

Make a public spectacle.
Yeah.

Dude. Go big.
Do it like the movies.

Like the movies. Yeah.

Like Jerry Maguire.
I love that movie.

I love that movie, man!
So good.

"You had me at hello."
What?

Don't ever do that again.
Okay? Sorry.

But tell me what you
love about her, man!

What do you love about her?
I love the way she laughs.

I like the way she fake laughs
when she knows that I need it.

Yes.

I love the way we
fit together in bed.

Because we're the same height,
our crotches line up perfectly.

That's really good.

I love that about it!

I mean, what are
the chances, right?

I love the way that
she looks in the morning.

Like at that exact moment
when she wakes up,

and her eyes just open
like two little butterflies.

Two little...
I love that!

I love that!

Yeah, man.
But I wouldn't go there.

Yeah, I wouldn't do that.
Okay.

So run and tell her that.
I'm gonna go.

Don't go all Notebook with it.
But run and tell her that.

I'm doing it.
Do it.

I'm doing it.
Do it, man.

I'm going.
Let's do it.

I'm gonna do it!

Man, you're doing it!

(HORN HONKING)
Oh, shit!

Oh, my God!

Dude?
MAN: Someone call 911!

You took, like, four bags of fluid.
You were severely dehydrated.

Oop!

You need to be housebroken.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

I mean, what the hell
were you doing?

I was running.

Why?

Because I...

I'm sorry.

I'm really, really sorry. I was
running to tell you that I'm sorry.

And I should have told these
guys that we were dating.

From the beginning,
I told him that.

We tried to convince
him the whole time.

I want to date you, Chels.

Like... Like,
really date you.

I want that, too.

Oh!

You're such an idiot.

I'm out.

GLASSES GIRL: I was
wondering if you'd call.

So?

I'd love to see you.

No, seriously,
that took forever.

(LAUGHS)

I'd love to see you again.

Ah! That's what
I'm talking about.

Honestly? Who
waits that long?

Yeah, that was my fault.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(SIGHS)

Ooh, fucking guy
in the red hat.

Who the fuck are you?

Let's find more
pictures of you.

Bingo.

Let's fucking look you up.

Bill.

What? William Matherson,
restaurateur.

What a piece of shit
this guy is.

Oh, my God. Dude.

I mean, honestly,
I just find it disgusting.

The way that you guys
embrace the single life.

The women?
The carousing?

Carousing? Who are you?
Cary Grant?

You've been in a relationship
all of two minutes.

And he is already
a righteous asshole.

Guys, look,
I'm just in love and shit.

And I've had a lot of
time to sit and realize

how disgusting
both of you are.

Mostly you, Jason.
MIKEY: What about me?

You're the worst. You're
pretty disgusting, too.

You're gross.
I'm a killer.

What the... Did you...

Did you post a funny
video on Ellie's wall?

No.

Yes, you did, because I'm
looking at it right now, Jason!

What is it, funny cute?
Or is it just funny?

It is funny cute!
Jason, you pussy!

You funny cute videoed her?

I... Yes. I guess.
I don't freaking know...

I don't know
what I'm doing, man.

Hey, man.
I think he loves her.

I think that's love!

It sounds
like love to me.

I don't know, man.
I don't know. Maybe I do.

MIKEY: What do you mean,
you don't know?

Well, then you have to tell her.
DANIEL: You have to.

It'll be funny cute.
Maybe I should tell her.

Which is right up your alley.
You love that shit.

Ha,ha,ha.
Asshole.

I don't even know where to...

What's she doing? Let's stop by her place.
Where's she at right now?

Third Tuesday of the month.
She's at one of her readings.

Whoa. That... That was
some stalker shit.

That's creepy.

It's creepy
that you know that.

MIKEY: I mean,
does anybody go?

No! Nobody ever goes.

DANIEL: Nobody ever shows up?
Nobody.

Well, then, you are
going to be the guy

who shows up.

AUTHOR: "We pounded along, my
father's hand on top of the wheel."

Nobody ever shows up.

Yeah.

"I watched the bats crackle
and plunge against the sky.

"They never knew here.

"They only knew
the echo of there."

Thank you.

Thank you, Ray Floreson.

I have to do something.

ELLIE: Does anybody
have any questions?

What should I do?
Something.

Yeah. I have something
that I would like to read.

From my novel.

It's not really
the kind of place

where you can share
from your own work.

Thank you very much.
Honor to be here.

This is good.
Um...

Tough act to follow.

Then don't.

I'm a big fan of your work.

I'm so sorry. I...

No. Please.

(SIGHS)

And then the other guy
asked to buy her a drink,

right as Jason walked up.

And so she asked that guy,

"What happens
if I enjoy the drink?

"What happens then?"

And he pretended not to know the answer.
So she told him.

She asked if they
would play beer pong

in that shitty bar
with his friends

until they headed back
to his place in Murray Hill.

She asked if they'd have to
listen to his roommate

fuck Hilary or Emily,
or whatever her name was

till they fell asleep.

And she asked him
if a year later,

they'd still be
there in that bar.

The only difference being that now
he feels pressure to get married

and have kids, because he thinks
that that's what she wants.

And then in the summers,

they would drive up
to the shitty Hamptons.

To meet his shitty parents.

Wondering the entire ride if they'd
think that she was pretty enough.

Smart.

Wondering the entire ride if
they think she's smart enough.

Because no one was.

And no one ever will be.

And Jason knew that now.

And he would give anything
to go back to that moment.

The moment where they first met.
Before anything went wrong.

Before he didn't show up for
her when she needed him most.

Before he understood that
being there for somebody

when it's most difficult is really
all that relationships are.

Jason knew that now.

And he was so sorry
for what he had done.

But Jason also realized
that in that moment,

he wasn't afraid, because he

thought she wasn't the one.

He was absolutely terrified,
because he knew she was.

And if she could give him
just one more chance,

just one more chance,

she knew where to find him.

JASON: It's 2:18 in the morning
in the middle of February.

I've been sitting on a park
bench for almost four hours.

I'm fucking freezing.

Why am I sitting here?

Why am I still
sitting on this bench?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

So?

(UPBEAT MUSIC
CONTINUES PLAYING)

(MEN LAUGHING)

I didn't know you
could change colors!

Just stop.
(COUGHS)

Your dick looks
like a sad giraffe.

Your dick looks like a
shaved hamster. Stop.

Can you guys STOP?

Your dick looks
like my dick

if it were bigger
and blacker.

(ALL LAUGHING)

DIRECTOR: Cut!

Did you friend
that girl yet, Mikey?

(PLATE SHATTERING)

(DANIEL SINGING HAVA NAG/LA)

Yeah. I told that
assistant at Vogue

I couldn't hang out with her
'cause I was taking a shit.

Whoa. Look at that fucking
crazy bruise on my arm.

You see that bruise?

It's from
fucking acting, bro.

Yeah.

Fuck you up.

Wait, I'm fucking this up. Can
we just do this one more time?

DIRECTOR: Let it go.

DANIEL: It's 'cause you're holding
your imaginary dick the whole time.

That might be it.
Can I just whip it out?

Mike, we all know you're a two-hander.
So just, you know...

Oh, shit. He knows me.

That's not a nipple. That's not my...
That's a fake.

That's a sticker. I don't
have nipples like that.

So maybe I'm the best ever
receiving blowjob... Ever.

At receiving.
Fucking mother sucker.

So maybe I'm the best ever
at receiving blow...

DIRECTOR: There are no
"evers" in the whole thing.

What?

Can we just write it
on her fucking head?

Maybe I'm the best ever.

No. No "ever."

Probably gave me
the best blowjob ever,

in the recorded
history of blowjobs.

(LAUGHING)

DIRECTOR: "And she gave me perhaps the
best blowjob in recorded history."

There's no "ever."

(CREW LAUGHING)

What are you doing?

I ain't doing nothing.

Yes, you are.

I promise. I'm acting
satisfied. Okay? Jeez.

Oh, God.

"Doing the thing"?

Yeah, I miss that.
And I'm not gonna

be able to do that
if I'm with Chelsea.

I'm gonna miss, like,
sharing a mouth with you.

I miss that
so much, man.

Oh, there's the paparazzi!

No way!

Oh, my God! They're not
even pointed at Miles!

Asshole!

Nobody cares
about me, bro!

Aw!

I might be really
fucked up.

But I think Omar from The
Wire is sitting on our couch.

DIRECTOR: It's him! It's him!
(ELLIE SCREAMS)

(ALL CHEERING)

Yes!