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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:02:27,899 --> 00:02:32,821 Manhattan Island derives its name from its earliest inhabitants... 2 00:02:32,970 --> 00:02:35,305 ...the Manhattan Indians. 3 00:02:35,639 --> 00:02:40,436 They were a peaceful tribe, setting traps, fishing, hunting. 4 00:02:40,644 --> 00:02:43,147 There was a custom among them: 5 00:02:43,439 --> 00:02:47,067 Every July, when the heat became unbearable... 6 00:02:47,276 --> 00:02:50,988 ...they would send their wives and children away. 7 00:02:51,238 --> 00:02:53,323 Up the river to the highlands... 8 00:02:53,615 --> 00:02:57,661 ...or, if they could afford it, to the seashore. 9 00:02:57,953 --> 00:03:02,499 The husbands remained behind to attend to business: 10 00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:07,171 Setting traps, fishing and hunting. 11 00:03:12,926 --> 00:03:17,432 Our story has nothing whatsoever to do with Indians. 12 00:03:17,682 --> 00:03:21,144 It plays 500 years later. 13 00:03:21,352 --> 00:03:26,524 Portland, Rockland, Plymouth and Bar Harbor. 14 00:03:26,691 --> 00:03:28,651 Departing at 6:30... 15 00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:33,156 We brought up the subject to show how nothing has changed. 16 00:03:33,364 --> 00:03:37,202 Manhattan wives and children are still sent away in the summer. 17 00:03:37,368 --> 00:03:40,663 Husbands remain behind to attend to business: 18 00:03:40,872 --> 00:03:43,875 Setting traps, fishing and hunting. 19 00:03:44,167 --> 00:03:48,630 We want you to meet a typical Manhattan husband. 20 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:54,719 This is Mr. Richard Sherman, his wife, Helen, and son, Ricky. 21 00:03:55,470 --> 00:03:57,889 Ricky, what are you doing? 22 00:03:58,139 --> 00:04:02,061 He's an interplanetary spy. I blasted him into dust. 23 00:04:02,311 --> 00:04:06,732 Cut it out. You're going to Maine, not to Mars. Goodbye, Helen. 24 00:04:06,982 --> 00:04:10,694 - Goodbye, Richard. - Why can't Daddy come up with us? 25 00:04:10,903 --> 00:04:15,825 - Daddy has to stay and make money - Don't worry. I'll be fine. 26 00:04:16,075 --> 00:04:20,204 - How will I get my allowance? - I'll mail it to you. 27 00:04:20,412 --> 00:04:24,208 You promised to eat properly and not smoke. 28 00:04:24,416 --> 00:04:27,753 And you promised not to drink. 29 00:04:28,045 --> 00:04:31,258 - I'll call you tonight at 10. - Goodbye, Helen. 30 00:04:31,508 --> 00:04:35,595 Goodbye, Ricky. Let me kiss you. 31 00:04:35,762 --> 00:04:39,349 - Take that thing off. - He's shutting off my oxygen! 32 00:04:39,599 --> 00:04:42,018 Come on, we'll miss the train. 33 00:04:46,065 --> 00:04:49,777 Helen, Ricky, the paddle! You forgot the paddle! 34 00:04:50,027 --> 00:04:53,781 - Ticket, mister? - My son forgot the paddle. 35 00:04:54,031 --> 00:04:59,453 Sorry, only those holding tickets admitted through the gates. 36 00:05:11,716 --> 00:05:14,716 Oh, no, not me. 37 00:05:15,469 --> 00:05:17,638 And I'm not gonna smoke either. 38 00:05:17,930 --> 00:05:23,144 Look at them. Awful. The train isn't even out of the station. 39 00:05:24,103 --> 00:05:27,899 Gotta get back to the office. Man, is this hot! 40 00:05:29,150 --> 00:05:32,321 A few more facts about Mr. Sherman: 41 00:05:32,613 --> 00:05:35,490 He works for a publishing firm, Brady & Company. 42 00:05:35,741 --> 00:05:40,454 They publish those pocket editions, two bits in any drugstore. 43 00:05:40,662 --> 00:05:45,626 Old Mr. Brady is the boss, but Mr. Sherman is the key man. 44 00:05:45,834 --> 00:05:48,503 He keeps the whole operation together. 45 00:05:48,670 --> 00:05:51,840 In the 25-cent book business, you can sell anything. 46 00:05:52,132 --> 00:05:54,843 Even the old, dreary classics. 47 00:05:55,093 --> 00:05:57,763 The trick is to soup up the title... 48 00:05:58,013 --> 00:06:01,183 ...and get an interesting cover. 49 00:06:01,475 --> 00:06:04,686 It's all a question of imagination... 50 00:06:04,853 --> 00:06:08,357 ...and Mr. Sherman has a lot of imagination. 51 00:06:11,818 --> 00:06:14,196 That'll be all, Miss Morris. 52 00:06:16,866 --> 00:06:21,037 Oh, no, not me. Not me. 53 00:06:22,956 --> 00:06:25,208 And I'm not gonna smoke either. 54 00:06:26,042 --> 00:06:30,046 Some husbands run wild because their wives are away. 55 00:06:30,213 --> 00:06:32,383 Do anything they want. 56 00:06:32,633 --> 00:06:35,803 Like Charlie Lederer. Annie was gone two days... 57 00:06:36,053 --> 00:06:38,555 ...when Charlie got himself tattooed. 58 00:06:38,806 --> 00:06:42,476 Green dragon on his chest, butterfly on the shoulders. 59 00:06:42,726 --> 00:06:46,313 Not me. Oh, no, work, work... 60 00:06:47,022 --> 00:06:51,068 I'll work till 6, then have dinner at the saloon... 61 00:06:51,318 --> 00:06:55,406 No! No saloon, no drinking like Dr. Summers said. 62 00:06:55,698 --> 00:06:59,535 I know, I'll try that vegetarian restaurant. 63 00:06:59,743 --> 00:07:02,163 Health food, that's the stuff. 64 00:07:02,414 --> 00:07:06,084 The human body is a very delicate machine. 65 00:07:06,376 --> 00:07:09,170 You can't run it on martinis and goulash. 66 00:07:09,421 --> 00:07:11,756 Especially in this hot weather. 67 00:07:12,924 --> 00:07:17,095 - Miss, may I have the check, please? - Yes, sir. 68 00:07:17,429 --> 00:07:21,766 Let's see. We had the special, the soybean hamburger... 69 00:07:22,058 --> 00:07:23,768 ...with French-fried soybeans. 70 00:07:24,060 --> 00:07:26,771 Soybean sherbet and peppermint tea. 71 00:07:27,439 --> 00:07:29,107 I had a cocktail to start. 72 00:07:29,399 --> 00:07:32,944 Yes, we had the sauerkraut juice on the rocks. 73 00:07:33,236 --> 00:07:37,866 You'll be proud to know that the meal was only 260 calories. 74 00:07:38,116 --> 00:07:39,617 I am proud. 75 00:07:39,951 --> 00:07:43,351 That'll be $1.27. 76 00:07:43,621 --> 00:07:47,125 - Keep the change. - We don't permit tipping. 77 00:07:47,417 --> 00:07:50,046 I can put it in our nudist camp fund. 78 00:07:50,296 --> 00:07:52,465 - You do that. - Oh, thank you, sir. 79 00:07:52,715 --> 00:07:57,261 It's a worthy cause. We must bring the message to the people. 80 00:07:57,470 --> 00:08:02,475 To unmask our suffocating bodies and let them breathe again. 81 00:08:02,808 --> 00:08:07,313 Without clothes there'd be no sickness and no war. 82 00:08:07,605 --> 00:08:11,484 Can you imagine two armies on the battlefield... 83 00:08:11,734 --> 00:08:13,986 ...no uniforms, completely nude? 84 00:08:14,278 --> 00:08:18,991 No way of telling friend from foe, all brothers together. 85 00:08:19,241 --> 00:08:23,287 Just a moment, sir. You forgot your paddle. 86 00:08:24,789 --> 00:08:26,165 Thank you. 87 00:08:40,014 --> 00:08:41,766 I like this house. 88 00:08:41,974 --> 00:08:45,269 Why does Helen want to move into one of those... 89 00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:48,356 ...buildings out of Riot in Cellblock 11? 90 00:08:48,523 --> 00:08:51,526 So much nicer here. Just three apartments. 91 00:08:51,776 --> 00:08:53,694 Ours, Kaufmans upstairs... 92 00:08:53,945 --> 00:08:58,950 ...and two guys on the top, interior decorators or something. 93 00:09:10,878 --> 00:09:15,216 It's peaceful with everybody gone. Sure is peaceful. 94 00:09:15,508 --> 00:09:19,054 No Howdy Doody. No Captain Video. 95 00:09:19,304 --> 00:09:23,517 No smell of cooking. No "What happened at the office?" 96 00:09:23,725 --> 00:09:28,564 I shot Mr. Brady in the head, made violent love to Miss Morris... 97 00:09:28,814 --> 00:09:34,820 ...and set fire to 300,000 copies of Little Women. That's what happened. 98 00:09:36,155 --> 00:09:41,326 What can happen at the office? It sure is peaceful. 99 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,335 "Use the opener, Richard." 100 00:10:04,349 --> 00:10:07,562 "Carbonated water, citric acid, corn syrup... 101 00:10:07,812 --> 00:10:10,273 ...artificial raspberry flavoring... 102 00:10:10,523 --> 00:10:13,484 ...vegetable colors and preservative." 103 00:10:13,735 --> 00:10:17,238 Why is this stuff better for you... 104 00:10:17,488 --> 00:10:20,491 ...than a little scotch and a twist of lemon? 105 00:10:20,742 --> 00:10:22,619 I'd really like to know. 106 00:10:23,828 --> 00:10:26,789 Helen's gonna call at 10. 107 00:10:27,373 --> 00:10:30,460 I guess I better do a little reading. 108 00:10:30,710 --> 00:10:34,423 I brought Dr. Brubaker's manuscript home with me... 109 00:10:41,055 --> 00:10:42,255 Ricky! 110 00:10:43,349 --> 00:10:48,354 Okay, where is it? Where is the other one? 111 00:10:48,604 --> 00:10:52,025 I know it's lurking here somewhere to get me. 112 00:10:52,234 --> 00:10:55,445 Where is Captain Video's other roller skate? 113 00:10:59,241 --> 00:11:00,992 Now, who's that? 114 00:11:16,466 --> 00:11:19,594 - Yes, what is it? - I'm sorry to bother you. 115 00:11:19,844 --> 00:11:23,390 I forgot my key, so I had to ring your bell. 116 00:11:24,557 --> 00:11:26,643 It's perfectly all right. 117 00:11:28,061 --> 00:11:32,065 Anytime. Anything else I can do for you? 118 00:11:32,274 --> 00:11:34,693 Would you mind pressing it again? 119 00:11:34,943 --> 00:11:37,363 My fan's caught in the door. 120 00:11:37,613 --> 00:11:40,413 Oh, of course. 121 00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:44,245 - Thanks. - Do you live in our building? 122 00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:48,249 In the Kaufmans' apartment. They're in Europe. 123 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:53,045 I know you'll be happy here. It's a very quiet building. 124 00:11:53,296 --> 00:11:56,799 No dogs, no children, just two interior decorators. 125 00:11:57,008 --> 00:11:59,176 And you, and of course, me. 126 00:12:01,012 --> 00:12:04,557 - You all right? - Oh, sure, fine. 127 00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:06,267 Well, good night. 128 00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:09,395 Good night. 129 00:12:17,486 --> 00:12:19,405 Well, now. 130 00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:25,412 Maybe I should have asked her in for a drink. 131 00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:30,208 Make her feel at home. After all, we're one big family here. 132 00:12:33,879 --> 00:12:35,673 Oh, no, no. 133 00:12:57,695 --> 00:13:01,741 I've got to get to work on the Brubaker book. 134 00:13:01,991 --> 00:13:05,620 I'm gonna talk to him about it tomorrow, so I better. 135 00:13:05,870 --> 00:13:10,125 Of Man and the Unconscious, by Dr. Ludwig Brubaker. 136 00:13:10,417 --> 00:13:11,502 Some title. 137 00:13:11,794 --> 00:13:15,964 We'll have to soup this one up, that's for sure. 138 00:13:22,513 --> 00:13:24,515 Ten o'clock. 139 00:13:24,973 --> 00:13:28,268 Helen's not gonna call till 10:00. 140 00:13:28,602 --> 00:13:32,856 I hope this thing keeps me awake till 10:00. 141 00:13:34,733 --> 00:13:36,985 Chapter three: 142 00:13:37,236 --> 00:13:40,364 "The Repressed Urge in the Middle-Aged Male. 143 00:13:40,572 --> 00:13:43,283 Its Roots and Its Consequences." 144 00:13:44,827 --> 00:13:47,788 Helen has a lot of nerve calling me at 10:00. 145 00:13:48,038 --> 00:13:51,125 It shows a definite lack of trust. 146 00:13:51,417 --> 00:13:56,131 What does she think I'm gonna do? Start smoking? Get drunk? 147 00:13:56,423 --> 00:14:01,219 Or tattooed? Charlie... Big, green dragon. 148 00:14:02,262 --> 00:14:05,432 I bet she thinks I'll have girls up here. 149 00:14:05,682 --> 00:14:07,267 That's terrible. 150 00:14:07,517 --> 00:14:12,439 Seven years we've been married. I've never done anything like that. 151 00:14:12,689 --> 00:14:17,944 Don't think I couldn't have either. Because I could have, plenty. 152 00:14:19,362 --> 00:14:20,762 Plenty. 153 00:14:24,951 --> 00:14:26,828 Don't laugh, Helen. 154 00:14:27,036 --> 00:14:30,540 I happen to be very attractive to women. 155 00:14:30,790 --> 00:14:34,169 You're attractive to me, but I'm used to you. 156 00:14:34,377 --> 00:14:37,798 This isn't a thing one likes to tell his wife... 157 00:14:38,048 --> 00:14:43,388 ...but women have been throwing themselves at me for years. 158 00:14:43,638 --> 00:14:47,559 That's right, beautiful ones, plenty of them. 159 00:14:47,976 --> 00:14:51,271 - Acres and acres of them. - Name one. 160 00:14:51,521 --> 00:14:56,276 It's hard just offhand, but there have been plenty of them. 161 00:14:56,693 --> 00:15:00,489 You asked for it. Take my secretary, for instance. 162 00:15:00,739 --> 00:15:05,577 To you, she's just Miss Morris, a piece of office furniture. 163 00:15:05,827 --> 00:15:07,996 Ten fingers to type my letters. 164 00:15:08,246 --> 00:15:10,874 Well, let me tell you. 165 00:15:11,374 --> 00:15:14,377 - Did you type this letter? - Yes, Mr. Sherman. 166 00:15:14,669 --> 00:15:18,089 There are six errors in the first paragraph. 167 00:15:18,340 --> 00:15:20,467 What is the matter with you? 168 00:15:20,717 --> 00:15:25,306 - What's the matter with you? - I'll tell you what's the matter. 169 00:15:25,556 --> 00:15:30,353 I'm in love with you. I have been since the day I came here. 170 00:15:30,603 --> 00:15:34,315 Deeply, madly, desperately, all-consumingly. 171 00:15:34,607 --> 00:15:38,069 And to you I'm nothing, just a piece of furniture. 172 00:15:38,319 --> 00:15:41,072 Ten fingers to type your letters with. 173 00:15:41,322 --> 00:15:46,202 Mr. Sherman, take a look at me. I'm a woman, do you hear? 174 00:15:46,452 --> 00:15:49,413 With flesh and blood and nerves and feelings! 175 00:15:49,664 --> 00:15:55,044 I'm in love with you. I need you, I want you. I want you 176 00:16:00,758 --> 00:16:03,219 That will be all, Miss Morris. 177 00:16:15,774 --> 00:16:20,904 You remember that torn shirt, Helen? Now you know how it happened. 178 00:16:22,364 --> 00:16:27,703 It got torn at the laundry, that's how it happened. What an imagination! 179 00:16:28,328 --> 00:16:31,164 You don't realize this about women and me: 180 00:16:31,415 --> 00:16:34,126 I walk into a room and they sense it. 181 00:16:34,376 --> 00:16:37,838 I arouse something in them, I bother them. 182 00:16:38,130 --> 00:16:42,635 It's a kind of animal thing I've got. It's quite extraordinary. 183 00:16:42,885 --> 00:16:46,180 The only extraordinary thing is your imagination. 184 00:16:46,431 --> 00:16:49,684 Last winter when I had my appendix out... 185 00:16:49,851 --> 00:16:52,145 ...do you remember the nurse? 186 00:16:52,395 --> 00:16:56,483 That sweet, little old lady with the gray hair? 187 00:16:56,775 --> 00:16:58,986 That was the day nurse. 188 00:16:59,194 --> 00:17:04,283 You never saw the night nurse, a certain Miss Finch. 189 00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:08,954 Poor Miss Finch. She fought it as long as she could. 190 00:17:09,204 --> 00:17:12,541 - But then one night... - Richard! 191 00:17:12,791 --> 00:17:16,420 Miss Finch, please, not again tonight. 192 00:17:18,422 --> 00:17:20,549 We have so little time. 193 00:17:20,841 --> 00:17:26,055 Soon they'll take out your stitches and I'll have lost you forever. 194 00:17:27,222 --> 00:17:31,393 Please, Miss Finch. There is such a thing as ethics. 195 00:17:31,518 --> 00:17:34,521 Remember, you are a registered nurse. 196 00:17:34,772 --> 00:17:40,110 Ethics? Once I had ethics. Once I was young. 197 00:17:40,402 --> 00:17:45,241 Once I had ideals. I was registered! And then you happened. 198 00:17:45,492 --> 00:17:50,205 Miss Finch, for five nights now you've been taking my pulse. 199 00:17:50,455 --> 00:17:54,459 Have you never noticed this simple band of gold? 200 00:17:54,709 --> 00:18:00,090 You've bothered me since they wheeled you into the operating room. 201 00:18:00,298 --> 00:18:05,178 I can't understand it. There's this animal thing about you. 202 00:18:07,055 --> 00:18:09,516 Please, Miss Finch, my adhesions. 203 00:18:09,766 --> 00:18:13,520 Let's crash out of here. Let's steal an ambulance. 204 00:18:13,812 --> 00:18:17,649 You're not fit to wear that uniform. 205 00:18:17,941 --> 00:18:20,151 You're rotten to the core. 206 00:18:21,361 --> 00:18:25,365 Beat me till your arms ache. 207 00:18:25,615 --> 00:18:28,744 I'll only come crawling back for more. 208 00:18:29,245 --> 00:18:32,665 You're forcing me to take measures... 209 00:18:32,873 --> 00:18:34,959 ...to protect you from yourself. 210 00:18:39,755 --> 00:18:41,155 No, no! 211 00:18:43,343 --> 00:18:47,097 Put me down! Put me down! 212 00:18:54,563 --> 00:18:57,649 The moth and the flame, that's what it was. 213 00:18:57,899 --> 00:19:02,529 Poor Miss Finch. I hope I didn't singe her wings too badly. 214 00:19:02,779 --> 00:19:06,616 You read too many books and see too many movies. 215 00:19:08,618 --> 00:19:13,958 For instance, take Elaine. Your best friend, your bridesmaid. 216 00:19:14,208 --> 00:19:18,337 Let me tell you about that weekend in Westport last summer. 217 00:19:18,588 --> 00:19:22,300 You were playing canasta, suspecting nothing. 218 00:19:22,592 --> 00:19:25,803 Elaine and I went for a walk. Walk! 219 00:19:26,012 --> 00:19:30,016 We went swimming, moonlight swimming. 220 00:19:40,985 --> 00:19:46,240 What is this strange animal thing you have? It bothers me. 221 00:19:46,532 --> 00:19:49,952 It's bothered me since the first time I saw you. 222 00:19:50,203 --> 00:19:54,624 And it'll bother me always, from here to eternity. 223 00:20:01,173 --> 00:20:05,969 You must fight it, Elaine. Remember, I belong to another. 224 00:20:06,220 --> 00:20:07,429 Richard! 225 00:20:07,638 --> 00:20:12,976 This can never be. I have a devoted, trusting wife at home. 226 00:20:13,227 --> 00:20:17,189 And a freckle-faced little space cadet. 227 00:20:17,773 --> 00:20:19,373 Richard! 228 00:20:37,709 --> 00:20:41,338 So, Helen, in light of the circumstances... 229 00:20:41,589 --> 00:20:44,802 ...I resent your calling to check up on me. 230 00:20:45,052 --> 00:20:46,846 Don't worry about me. 231 00:20:47,096 --> 00:20:51,350 Although I have tremendous personal magnetism... 232 00:20:51,642 --> 00:20:54,353 ...I also have strength of character. 233 00:20:54,603 --> 00:20:57,022 And tremendous imagination. 234 00:20:57,273 --> 00:21:02,695 You've begun to imagine it Cinemascope, with stereophonic sound. 235 00:21:05,281 --> 00:21:06,657 Well... 236 00:21:07,950 --> 00:21:09,368 ...back to work. 237 00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:13,330 Chapter three: 238 00:21:14,206 --> 00:21:20,087 "The Repressed Urge in the Middle-Aged Male. Its Roots and Its Consequences." 239 00:21:22,923 --> 00:21:26,552 Helen is worried. I just know she is. 240 00:21:26,802 --> 00:21:29,471 She plays it cool, but she can't fool me. 241 00:21:29,722 --> 00:21:33,685 Why else would she call in the middle of the night? 242 00:21:33,935 --> 00:21:38,690 She probably figures she isn't as young as she was. She's 31. 243 00:21:38,940 --> 00:21:42,777 One day she'll wake up and find her looks are gone. 244 00:21:43,028 --> 00:21:45,071 No wonder she's worried. 245 00:21:45,322 --> 00:21:48,700 I don't look different than I did when I was 28. 246 00:21:48,992 --> 00:21:52,996 It's not my fault, it's just a simple biological fact. 247 00:21:53,204 --> 00:21:55,624 Women age quicker than men. 248 00:21:55,874 --> 00:22:00,962 I won't look different when I'm 60. I have that kind of a face. 249 00:22:01,212 --> 00:22:04,466 Everybody'll think she's my mother. 250 00:22:13,934 --> 00:22:15,478 Hello, Mother? 251 00:22:15,937 --> 00:22:17,897 Oh, Helen! 252 00:22:18,064 --> 00:22:22,401 I wasn't expecting you to call till 10. Everything all right? 253 00:22:22,693 --> 00:22:27,365 Everything's fine here. Seems pretty empty without you, though. 254 00:22:27,657 --> 00:22:30,534 Just sitting out on the terrace... 255 00:22:30,701 --> 00:22:34,664 ...drinking, getting fractured on raspberry soda. 256 00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:39,543 Little Ricky okay? Oh, he did? 257 00:22:39,835 --> 00:22:43,548 He hasn't done that for a long time. It's the excitement. 258 00:22:44,883 --> 00:22:46,718 That's nice. 259 00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:53,558 Who did you meet on the train? Tom MacKenzie? 260 00:22:54,059 --> 00:22:56,061 What's he doing up there? 261 00:22:57,270 --> 00:23:00,399 My advice is to avoid Tom like the plague. 262 00:23:00,565 --> 00:23:03,903 I don't want him carrying Ricky's kayak. 263 00:23:04,153 --> 00:23:07,657 If anybody carries Ricky's kayak, it's gonna be you. 264 00:23:07,907 --> 00:23:09,742 How's the weather? Cool? 265 00:23:10,660 --> 00:23:14,622 It's steaming here, like an oven. 266 00:23:14,998 --> 00:23:17,917 Yeah, I'm pretty tired myself. 267 00:23:18,418 --> 00:23:21,170 Night. Good night, darling. 268 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:29,929 Chapter three: 269 00:23:30,096 --> 00:23:33,099 "The Repressed Urge in the Middle-Aged Male. 270 00:23:33,349 --> 00:23:37,145 Its Roots and Its Consequences." 271 00:23:38,271 --> 00:23:42,859 Maybe a twist of lemon would help this, or a shot of Worcestershire. 272 00:23:59,043 --> 00:24:02,671 Hey, what's the big idea?! You wanna kill somebody? 273 00:24:03,297 --> 00:24:07,468 - What's the matter? - This great cast-iron pot... 274 00:24:07,676 --> 00:24:09,720 ...practically killed me. 275 00:24:09,970 --> 00:24:13,724 Oh, it's you. Well, hello again. 276 00:24:13,974 --> 00:24:17,311 What happened? Oh, the tomato plant fell over! 277 00:24:17,644 --> 00:24:18,812 It sure did. 278 00:24:19,021 --> 00:24:21,857 - I'm terribly sorry. - It's nothing. 279 00:24:22,066 --> 00:24:24,318 Look at that poor chair! 280 00:24:24,568 --> 00:24:28,489 I'll pay for it. I hope it's not some priceless antique. 281 00:24:28,822 --> 00:24:33,870 - It's just early Sears, Roebuck. - If there's anything I can do... 282 00:24:34,162 --> 00:24:37,707 Do what? There's nothing to worry about. 283 00:24:37,999 --> 00:24:42,253 I'm certainly glad you're not mad. Now don't touch it. 284 00:24:42,504 --> 00:24:45,007 I'll have the janitor come down... 285 00:24:45,257 --> 00:24:48,177 ...and take care of it. Good night. 286 00:24:48,427 --> 00:24:50,679 - Hey there! Wait a minute. - Yes? 287 00:24:50,930 --> 00:24:53,724 I'll tell you one thing you could do. 288 00:24:54,016 --> 00:24:57,394 If you're not doing anything else more important. 289 00:24:57,686 --> 00:25:00,356 Would you have a drink with me? 290 00:25:00,731 --> 00:25:03,567 - Thanks, I'd love it. - You would? 291 00:25:03,776 --> 00:25:05,111 Sure, it'd be fun. 292 00:25:05,361 --> 00:25:10,699 Let me just go and put something on. I get dressed in the kitchen. 293 00:25:10,950 --> 00:25:15,871 When it's hot like this, I keep my undies in the icebox. 294 00:25:16,956 --> 00:25:20,043 - In the icebox? - See you in a minute. 295 00:25:22,754 --> 00:25:25,554 In the icebox! 296 00:26:00,625 --> 00:26:04,255 I really need it, Dr. Murphy. Honest I do. 297 00:26:07,258 --> 00:26:10,928 Don't worry, Dr. Murphy Just one, that's all. 298 00:26:24,108 --> 00:26:28,154 All those lovely injurious tars and resins. 299 00:26:28,446 --> 00:26:31,824 And now a small concession from Dr. Summers? 300 00:26:44,170 --> 00:26:48,842 Doctor, let's be reasonable. Can't fly on one wing. 301 00:26:49,134 --> 00:26:52,138 Okay, I'll put some soda in it. 302 00:27:01,356 --> 00:27:04,984 "Do you want to come in for a drink?" "I'd love it." 303 00:27:05,193 --> 00:27:06,819 Just like that. 304 00:27:08,655 --> 00:27:13,701 A beautiful girl too. Must be a model or actress. 305 00:27:33,054 --> 00:27:36,558 Atmosphere. I need a little atmosphere. 306 00:27:40,271 --> 00:27:42,523 Tomato plant. 307 00:27:43,190 --> 00:27:45,526 Fan caught in the door. 308 00:27:48,696 --> 00:27:52,283 What am I doing? This is absolutely ridiculous. 309 00:27:52,574 --> 00:27:56,912 The first night Helen leaves, I'm bringing dames in here. 310 00:28:06,714 --> 00:28:07,715 Take it easy. 311 00:28:07,923 --> 00:28:13,387 There's nothing wrong with asking a neighbor down for a drink. 312 00:28:14,013 --> 00:28:16,724 I hope she doesn't get the wrong idea. 313 00:28:16,890 --> 00:28:21,896 If this dame thinks she's in for a big time, she's in for a surprise. 314 00:28:22,105 --> 00:28:25,608 One drink and out! I'm a happily married man. 315 00:28:26,234 --> 00:28:28,528 Maybe a little soft music. 316 00:28:29,904 --> 00:28:32,407 She's probably getting all fixed up. 317 00:28:32,741 --> 00:28:36,745 She'll probably wear some ice-cold evening dress. 318 00:28:36,953 --> 00:28:42,153 Let's see. Debussy, Ravel. 319 00:28:42,584 --> 00:28:46,713 Stravinsky. Stravinsky'd only scare her. 320 00:28:47,715 --> 00:28:51,719 Here's the baby, Rachmaninoff. Give her the full treatment. 321 00:28:51,927 --> 00:28:54,221 Come in like gangbusters. 322 00:29:01,771 --> 00:29:03,105 Good old Rachmaninoff. 323 00:29:03,439 --> 00:29:07,611 The Second Piano Concerto. Never misses. 324 00:29:38,350 --> 00:29:41,770 You came. I'm so glad. 325 00:29:45,524 --> 00:29:50,278 - Rachmaninoff. - The Second Piano Concerto. 326 00:29:50,612 --> 00:29:54,450 - It isn't fair. - Not fair? Why? 327 00:29:55,159 --> 00:29:58,871 - Every time I hear it, I go to pieces. - Oh? 328 00:30:02,166 --> 00:30:04,460 May I sit next to you? 329 00:30:06,212 --> 00:30:08,005 Please do. 330 00:30:31,195 --> 00:30:34,073 It shakes me, it quakes me. 331 00:30:34,323 --> 00:30:37,034 It makes me goose-pimply all over. 332 00:30:37,243 --> 00:30:42,249 I don't know where I am, or who I am, or what I'm doing. 333 00:30:42,541 --> 00:30:47,504 Don't stop, don't stop. Don't ever stop. 334 00:30:49,174 --> 00:30:53,553 - Why did you stop? - You know why I stopped. 335 00:30:53,845 --> 00:30:56,890 - Why? - Because. 336 00:30:57,098 --> 00:31:00,518 Because now I'm going to kiss you... 337 00:31:00,727 --> 00:31:03,521 ...very quickly and very hard. 338 00:31:25,586 --> 00:31:27,463 One moment, my dear. 339 00:31:32,718 --> 00:31:34,303 You came. 340 00:31:35,137 --> 00:31:37,932 Yeah, I came for the rugs. 341 00:31:38,140 --> 00:31:40,768 The rugs? What is it you want? 342 00:31:41,060 --> 00:31:43,896 The bedroom rugs. I promised Mrs. Sherman. 343 00:31:44,104 --> 00:31:45,222 Mr. Kruhulik... 344 00:31:45,322 --> 00:31:48,901 - It's on account of the moths. - Forget the rugs. 345 00:31:49,109 --> 00:31:53,572 Your wife is gonna find them full of big, gaping holes. 346 00:31:53,781 --> 00:31:56,283 Who'll get blamed? The janitor. 347 00:31:56,492 --> 00:32:00,162 Pick them up tomorrow while I'm at the office. 348 00:32:00,454 --> 00:32:05,501 I can't. I'm taking the missus and the kids to the train. 349 00:32:05,793 --> 00:32:10,799 - They're going to the country. - All right, in the afternoon then. 350 00:32:11,007 --> 00:32:16,429 I can't do it then. I'm going to the barber in the afternoon. 351 00:32:16,638 --> 00:32:21,810 I'm gonna take a shave, haircut, manicure, the whole works. 352 00:32:21,977 --> 00:32:26,481 I couldn't care less. Come tomorrow evening, just not now. 353 00:32:26,690 --> 00:32:31,820 Tomorrow evening? Do you know the maid from 531 Park? 354 00:32:32,028 --> 00:32:37,200 You must've seen her walking down the street with her fat poodle. 355 00:32:37,492 --> 00:32:38,492 What? 356 00:32:38,660 --> 00:32:43,498 Come now, we're both summer bachelors. Don't let's be naive. 357 00:32:43,790 --> 00:32:45,667 Good night, Mr. Kruhulik! 358 00:32:46,668 --> 00:32:50,338 Big, fat poodle! He's got four kids. 359 00:32:50,548 --> 00:32:55,178 Something happens to people in the summer. It's disgraceful. 360 00:32:55,512 --> 00:33:00,350 It's late. Where is she? This is ridiculous. 361 00:33:00,517 --> 00:33:04,855 She could've been here, had her drink and gone home already. 362 00:33:05,063 --> 00:33:07,065 Ice, we'll need ice. 363 00:33:11,903 --> 00:33:13,303 Coming! 364 00:33:25,876 --> 00:33:27,336 Coming, coming! 365 00:33:32,591 --> 00:33:33,591 Hi! 366 00:33:34,509 --> 00:33:36,720 It's me. Don't you remember? 367 00:33:37,012 --> 00:33:39,056 The tomato from upstairs. 368 00:33:39,264 --> 00:33:42,560 Of course, the tomato. Come in, please. 369 00:33:42,769 --> 00:33:45,438 Honestly, I don't know how it happened. 370 00:33:45,730 --> 00:33:49,776 I was watering the plants. I promised the Kaufmans I would. 371 00:33:50,068 --> 00:33:54,364 I was using the cocktail shaker. It's the only thing I found. 372 00:33:54,572 --> 00:33:59,369 A little silver one. Then there was this terrible crash. 373 00:33:59,619 --> 00:34:04,457 You could've been killed. It's probably criminal negligence. 374 00:34:04,749 --> 00:34:07,919 You could've sued somebody. Me, probably. 375 00:34:08,211 --> 00:34:12,799 Well, not you. You'd have been dead. Your lawyers could have. 376 00:34:13,091 --> 00:34:16,427 Case dismissed. What would you like to drink? 377 00:34:16,594 --> 00:34:21,307 I don't know. Anything. You have a nice place here. 378 00:34:21,599 --> 00:34:25,937 - You live here alone? - Yes, I live here alone. All alone. 379 00:34:28,148 --> 00:34:32,152 - It's a roller skate. Mine, you know. - Yours? 380 00:34:32,444 --> 00:34:37,491 It's adjustable. I skate a lot. What would you like to drink? 381 00:34:37,783 --> 00:34:41,078 - You do drink? - Sure, I drink like a fish. 382 00:34:41,286 --> 00:34:45,416 - Do you have gin? - Of course. You mean straight gin? 383 00:34:45,666 --> 00:34:49,294 No, gin and soda, I guess. 384 00:34:49,503 --> 00:34:54,509 - Gin and soda? - That's wrong. How do you drink gin? 385 00:34:54,801 --> 00:34:59,931 There's gin and tonic, and gin and vermouth, that's a martini. 386 00:35:00,140 --> 00:35:05,145 That sounds cool. I'll have a glass of that. A big, tall one. 387 00:35:06,980 --> 00:35:09,482 Big, tall martini. 388 00:35:22,705 --> 00:35:26,125 This is a nicer apartment than the Kaufmans'. 389 00:35:26,375 --> 00:35:29,336 For instance, the Kaufmans have no stairs. 390 00:35:30,045 --> 00:35:33,799 - Hey, where do they lead to? - No place. 391 00:35:34,008 --> 00:35:38,888 No place? A stairway to nowhere. That's elegant. 392 00:35:39,180 --> 00:35:43,851 I wouldn't say elegant. You see, this used to be a duplex. 393 00:35:44,143 --> 00:35:49,482 The landlord made two apartments out of it by boarding up your floor. 394 00:35:50,316 --> 00:35:53,986 Oh, yes, I remember that patch in the floor. 395 00:35:54,195 --> 00:35:57,031 I dropped my cuticle pusher down the crack. 396 00:35:57,323 --> 00:35:59,534 Cuticle pusher. Yeah. 397 00:35:59,826 --> 00:36:03,705 Well, here you are. Big, tall martini. 398 00:36:03,997 --> 00:36:07,209 - Thanks. - You're welcome. 399 00:36:08,919 --> 00:36:11,713 Very good. Maybe it needs a bit more sugar. 400 00:36:11,922 --> 00:36:15,717 I'd strongly advise against putting sugar in a martini. 401 00:36:16,009 --> 00:36:19,179 - You would? Why? - Well... 402 00:36:19,596 --> 00:36:23,225 Take my word for it. No sugar in a martini. 403 00:36:23,433 --> 00:36:26,686 Back home they put sugar in martinis. 404 00:36:26,895 --> 00:36:31,066 - Back home? Where? - Denver, Colorado. 405 00:36:31,399 --> 00:36:34,236 Hey, you've got air conditioning! 406 00:36:35,237 --> 00:36:38,281 - How does it work? Put it on. - Sure! 407 00:36:38,615 --> 00:36:43,203 I got air conditioning in every room. Don't the Kaufmans? 408 00:36:43,412 --> 00:36:48,918 No, it's just terrible up there. That's why I bought the electric fan. 409 00:36:49,877 --> 00:36:54,633 This feels just elegant. I'm just not made for the heat. 410 00:36:54,925 --> 00:36:58,595 It's my first summer in New York, and it's killing me. 411 00:36:58,804 --> 00:37:02,599 Yesterday, I tried to sleep in the bathtub. 412 00:37:02,808 --> 00:37:05,561 Just lying up to my neck in cold water. 413 00:37:05,769 --> 00:37:07,312 Good idea. 414 00:37:07,604 --> 00:37:12,234 But the faucet kept dripping. It was keeping me awake. 415 00:37:12,484 --> 00:37:17,281 You know what I did? I pushed my big toe up the faucet. 416 00:37:17,948 --> 00:37:20,117 They call that American know-how. 417 00:37:20,409 --> 00:37:24,413 Then my toe got stuck and I couldn't get it out again. 418 00:37:24,621 --> 00:37:25,789 You couldn't? 419 00:37:26,081 --> 00:37:31,004 But there's a phone in the bathroom. I was able to call the plumber. 420 00:37:31,296 --> 00:37:32,422 You called him? 421 00:37:32,630 --> 00:37:36,593 He was very nice, even though it was Sunday. 422 00:37:36,801 --> 00:37:39,929 He rushed right over. 423 00:37:40,972 --> 00:37:42,515 Everything come out okay? 424 00:37:42,807 --> 00:37:47,645 - Sure. But it was embarrassing. - I can see how it might've been. 425 00:37:47,937 --> 00:37:50,148 Honestly, I almost died. 426 00:37:50,356 --> 00:37:53,276 There I was with a strange plumber... 427 00:37:53,484 --> 00:37:56,154 ...and no polish on my toenails. 428 00:38:03,036 --> 00:38:07,165 - You got a cigarette around? - A cigarette? Sure. 429 00:38:07,498 --> 00:38:09,042 Coming UP- 430 00:38:26,393 --> 00:38:30,189 - Here you are. - Are you afraid of burglars? 431 00:38:30,397 --> 00:38:33,692 I'm just trying not to smoke. The theory is: 432 00:38:34,026 --> 00:38:38,697 If you don't see them, you don't think about them. 433 00:38:40,699 --> 00:38:44,536 It's not 100% foolproof. It's only a theory. 434 00:38:44,828 --> 00:38:49,750 All you do is spend half your life dragging ladders back and forth. 435 00:38:50,042 --> 00:38:53,504 You could break a leg. It's just ridiculous. 436 00:38:53,712 --> 00:38:57,217 At the club we had this girl who only smoked cigars. 437 00:38:57,425 --> 00:39:01,222 She only did it to make herself look older. 438 00:39:04,058 --> 00:39:07,561 - What club was that? - This club I lived at. 439 00:39:07,853 --> 00:39:10,773 I hated it. You had to be in by 1 a.m. 440 00:39:11,065 --> 00:39:13,734 Now I can stay out all night. 441 00:39:13,901 --> 00:39:18,406 I was glad when they practically asked me to leave. 442 00:39:18,739 --> 00:39:22,076 - Why did they ask you to leave? - It was so silly. 443 00:39:22,284 --> 00:39:27,540 I posed for a picture in U. S. Camera and they got all upset. 444 00:39:27,748 --> 00:39:29,792 What was wrong with the picture? 445 00:39:30,084 --> 00:39:34,964 I was... It was one of these artistic pictures. 446 00:39:36,799 --> 00:39:39,093 On the beach, with driftwood. 447 00:39:39,301 --> 00:39:42,930 - It got honorable mention. - In U. S. Camera? 448 00:39:43,097 --> 00:39:47,394 It was called "Textures." You'd see three different kinds. 449 00:39:47,602 --> 00:39:51,648 The driftwood, the sand and me. I got $25 an hour. 450 00:39:51,940 --> 00:39:56,486 - It took hours and hours. - Very interesting line of work. 451 00:39:56,778 --> 00:40:01,950 I don't do modeling any more. Now I'm on TV every other week. 452 00:40:02,242 --> 00:40:05,287 - The Dazzledent Toothpaste Hour. - You're an actress? 453 00:40:05,579 --> 00:40:08,123 Sort of. I do the commercial part. 454 00:40:08,331 --> 00:40:12,169 It's a good part. They put gray makeup on my teeth... 455 00:40:12,461 --> 00:40:15,130 ...to show ordinary toothpaste. 456 00:40:15,338 --> 00:40:18,967 Then they wipe it off to show how Dazzledent works. 457 00:40:19,176 --> 00:40:22,804 I sit like this for about 14 seconds... 458 00:40:23,013 --> 00:40:25,599 ...and I get to speak lines too. 459 00:40:25,807 --> 00:40:29,644 "I had onions at lunch, I had garlic dressing at dinner. 460 00:40:29,811 --> 00:40:33,691 But he'll never know. I stay kissing-sweet... 461 00:40:33,983 --> 00:40:36,986 ...the new Dazzledent way." 462 00:40:39,280 --> 00:40:42,116 - You do that beautifully. - Thank you. 463 00:40:42,325 --> 00:40:46,287 People don't realize, but when I show my teeth on 464 00:40:46,496 --> 00:40:48,706 ...I appear before more people... 465 00:40:48,956 --> 00:40:53,211 ...than Sarah Bernhardt ever did. Something to think about. 466 00:40:53,503 --> 00:40:55,505 It certainly is. 467 00:40:56,005 --> 00:41:00,511 Wish I were old enough to have seen her. Was she magnificent? 468 00:41:02,846 --> 00:41:05,974 I wouldn't know. I'm not that old myself. 469 00:41:06,225 --> 00:41:08,060 I guess you're not really. 470 00:41:08,352 --> 00:41:11,814 I'm 39. I will be in August. At the moment I'm 38. 471 00:41:12,064 --> 00:41:15,734 Thirty-eight? I was 22, day before yesterday. 472 00:41:15,984 --> 00:41:19,489 I didn't do anything about it. I didn't tell anyone. 473 00:41:19,697 --> 00:41:22,492 I did buy a bottle of champagne. 474 00:41:22,700 --> 00:41:25,745 I thought I'd sit there, drink it by myself. 475 00:41:26,037 --> 00:41:29,165 - That sounds absolutely sad. - Oh, no! 476 00:41:29,374 --> 00:41:34,170 It would've been just elegant, lying in a bath, drinking champagne. 477 00:41:34,379 --> 00:41:39,759 - But I couldn't get the bottle open. - You couldn't? There's nothing to it. 478 00:41:40,260 --> 00:41:42,762 You think you could get it open? 479 00:41:43,012 --> 00:41:45,265 I'm pretty sure I could. 480 00:41:45,515 --> 00:41:48,434 I've got an idea. I'll go up and get it. 481 00:41:48,726 --> 00:41:51,354 It's in the icebox with the potato chips and my underwear. 482 00:41:51,563 --> 00:41:54,190 - Do you have champagne glasses? - Yes. 483 00:41:54,399 --> 00:41:57,068 Good! We'll have a wonderful time. 484 00:41:57,277 --> 00:42:00,405 The man says it's very good champagne. 485 00:42:02,866 --> 00:42:08,080 - Shall I bring the potato chips too? - Sure, let's shoot the works. 486 00:42:11,625 --> 00:42:15,462 Honorable mention in U.S. Camera. 487 00:42:21,218 --> 00:42:25,218 U. S. Camera. 488 00:42:30,561 --> 00:42:35,274 "News Events. Children and Animals. The Human Body." 489 00:42:54,920 --> 00:42:58,758 Champagne glasses. Champagne glasses. 490 00:43:22,281 --> 00:43:24,825 Phone, phone. Where's the phone? 491 00:43:28,704 --> 00:43:30,998 Hello? Who is it? 492 00:43:31,290 --> 00:43:34,544 Oh, Helen. Well, this is a surprise! 493 00:43:34,836 --> 00:43:38,340 And a pleasant one. How are you? 494 00:43:38,632 --> 00:43:42,135 Sure, I'm all right. Why shouldn't I be all right? 495 00:43:42,344 --> 00:43:46,473 In what way do I sound funny? Everything is just fine. 496 00:43:46,682 --> 00:43:50,811 What's your problem? Did I know Ricky forgot his paddle? 497 00:43:51,061 --> 00:43:55,357 I've been dragging that thing all over New York. Sure, I will. 498 00:43:55,649 --> 00:43:59,361 I'll send it off first thing. Good night. 499 00:43:59,653 --> 00:44:04,157 Who? Who dropped in after dinner? Tom MacKenzie? 500 00:44:04,408 --> 00:44:07,160 Good old Tom. How is he? 501 00:44:07,577 --> 00:44:12,207 Drinking? Who, me? Whatever gave you that idea? 502 00:44:12,499 --> 00:44:16,545 I was sitting here reading a book about driftwood. 503 00:44:16,837 --> 00:44:21,426 We may publish it. It's interesting. Some of the formations are... 504 00:44:23,344 --> 00:44:27,724 I'd better hang up. The bathtub is running over. 505 00:44:28,016 --> 00:44:30,727 Good night. Night! 506 00:44:34,355 --> 00:44:39,694 Sorry, I was on the phone. A friend of mine in the country... 507 00:44:39,902 --> 00:44:41,502 Oh, say! 508 00:44:43,072 --> 00:44:45,742 It isn't right to drink champagne in pants. 509 00:44:46,034 --> 00:44:48,619 Would you mind fastening my straps? 510 00:44:48,953 --> 00:44:51,953 Oh, sure. Sure. 511 00:44:53,207 --> 00:44:58,254 Potato chips, champagne. You really think you can get it open? 512 00:44:58,796 --> 00:45:04,094 Oh, yeah. I've opened one or two before in my life. 513 00:45:04,261 --> 00:45:08,433 It's simply a matter of pressure and counter-pressure. 514 00:45:08,725 --> 00:45:12,145 - There she goes. - You've sure got powerful thumbs. 515 00:45:12,437 --> 00:45:16,441 I used to play a lot of badminton. Get the glasses. 516 00:45:17,609 --> 00:45:19,277 Quick, quick! The glasses! 517 00:45:22,238 --> 00:45:24,741 - Pour it. - Seems to be stuck. 518 00:45:24,949 --> 00:45:27,660 That's silly. Give it a good yank. 519 00:45:29,621 --> 00:45:31,331 This never happened before. 520 00:45:31,623 --> 00:45:35,251 It must be the vacuum. The bubbles create a vacuum. 521 00:45:35,460 --> 00:45:37,462 Let me see if I can do it. 522 00:45:40,423 --> 00:45:42,258 I'll try to twist it. 523 00:45:45,178 --> 00:45:48,598 - You're married! - I am? Yes, lam. 524 00:45:48,807 --> 00:45:52,645 I knew it. I could tell. You look married. 525 00:45:54,522 --> 00:45:57,942 Actually, my wife and I are separated. 526 00:45:58,317 --> 00:46:02,196 Separated in the sense that she went away for the summer. 527 00:46:02,488 --> 00:46:06,826 - Any children? - No. Well, just one very little one. 528 00:46:07,118 --> 00:46:09,620 It's cold in there. Finger's getting numb. 529 00:46:09,829 --> 00:46:12,832 I could call the plumber. He's very good at this. 530 00:46:13,124 --> 00:46:15,835 No, let's keep the plumber out of it. 531 00:46:16,043 --> 00:46:18,379 Grab hold of the piano. 532 00:46:19,171 --> 00:46:22,049 Careful, I had my appendix out last year. 533 00:46:26,303 --> 00:46:28,848 - Are you all right? - Fine. 534 00:46:31,183 --> 00:46:34,895 Do you wanna waste it now that you know I'm married? 535 00:46:35,187 --> 00:46:39,860 I think it's wonderful that you're married. Just elegant. 536 00:46:40,068 --> 00:46:41,653 - You do? - Of course. 537 00:46:41,903 --> 00:46:47,242 I wouldn't be lying on the floor with some man if he wasn't married. 538 00:46:47,492 --> 00:46:50,036 That's an interesting line of reasoning. 539 00:46:50,328 --> 00:46:53,039 With a married man it's so simple. 540 00:46:53,331 --> 00:46:56,751 I mean, it can't possibly ever get drastic. 541 00:47:02,925 --> 00:47:08,389 - Have a potato chip. - In what sense can't it get drastic? 542 00:47:08,598 --> 00:47:13,060 - People keep falling in love with me. - I can believe it. 543 00:47:13,352 --> 00:47:18,357 - They get this strange idea. - I believe that too. 544 00:47:18,608 --> 00:47:20,610 They ask me to marry them. 545 00:47:20,860 --> 00:47:24,239 All the time. I don't know why they do it. 546 00:47:24,531 --> 00:47:28,619 - Maybe it's a kind of nervousness. - Maybe. 547 00:47:28,911 --> 00:47:32,289 I don't wanna get married. Not yet, anyway. 548 00:47:33,248 --> 00:47:36,585 That'd be worse than living at the club. 549 00:47:36,793 --> 00:47:38,921 I'd have to get in by 1 again. 550 00:47:39,254 --> 00:47:42,382 Very true, you would. At least occasionally. 551 00:47:42,591 --> 00:47:45,719 That's what's wonderful about a married man. 552 00:47:45,969 --> 00:47:49,097 No matter what, he can't ask you to marry him. 553 00:47:49,306 --> 00:47:52,601 - He's married already. Right? - Right. 554 00:47:56,396 --> 00:48:01,944 You certainly don't have to worry about me. Am I ever a married man! 555 00:48:02,236 --> 00:48:06,657 I'm the most married man you'll ever know. And I promise... 556 00:48:06,907 --> 00:48:12,288 ...I will never ask you to marry me, come what may. 557 00:48:13,414 --> 00:48:16,334 - Well, how about some music? - Fine. 558 00:48:16,626 --> 00:48:20,463 Let's see what we've got here. 559 00:48:20,755 --> 00:48:25,009 Debussy, Ravel, Stravinsky. 560 00:48:25,301 --> 00:48:27,136 Hey, how about this one? 561 00:48:27,428 --> 00:48:30,682 Rachmaninoff, the Second Piano Concerto. 562 00:48:30,974 --> 00:48:34,644 You look to me like a big Rachmaninoff girl. 563 00:48:34,852 --> 00:48:38,773 I do? Funny, I don't know anything about music. 564 00:48:38,982 --> 00:48:44,153 You don't have to. Just listen to it, that's all. 565 00:48:53,037 --> 00:48:58,168 This is classical music, isn't it? I can tell. There's no vocal. 566 00:49:01,797 --> 00:49:03,300 Don't talk. 567 00:49:04,301 --> 00:49:06,011 Don't fight it. 568 00:49:06,177 --> 00:49:09,177 Relax. Go limp. 569 00:49:10,390 --> 00:49:13,143 - Like this? - Yes. 570 00:49:13,351 --> 00:49:16,021 Let it sweep over you. 571 00:49:26,364 --> 00:49:29,743 I got the biggest thing for Eddie Fisher. 572 00:49:33,705 --> 00:49:37,834 Frequently, people go to pieces listening to this. 573 00:49:38,084 --> 00:49:40,504 - No kidding? - Yes. 574 00:49:40,921 --> 00:49:45,051 It quakes them. It shakes them. 575 00:49:45,343 --> 00:49:49,388 Makes them goose-pimply all over. 576 00:49:49,889 --> 00:49:52,725 Did you ever dunk a potato chip in champagne? 577 00:49:52,933 --> 00:49:57,333 It's real crazy. Here. 578 00:49:57,688 --> 00:50:02,276 - Isn't that crazy? - Yeah, pretty crazy. 579 00:50:02,526 --> 00:50:07,573 We'd better send Rachmaninoff off. This wasn't such a good idea. 580 00:50:07,865 --> 00:50:10,910 Don't worry, everything's fine. 581 00:50:11,202 --> 00:50:14,038 A married man, air conditioning... 582 00:50:14,246 --> 00:50:18,876 ...champagne and potato chips. It's a wonderful party. 583 00:50:19,085 --> 00:50:23,297 Hey! Look, you've got U.S. Camera! 584 00:50:23,589 --> 00:50:26,718 I do? How about that! 585 00:50:27,260 --> 00:50:28,970 I've got U. S. Camera. 586 00:50:29,262 --> 00:50:34,601 I bought a dozen copies of this but people kept stealing them. 587 00:50:34,810 --> 00:50:36,937 Why would they do that? 588 00:50:37,771 --> 00:50:40,732 That's me, right there on the beach. 589 00:50:41,441 --> 00:50:45,237 My hair was a little longer then. Did you notice? 590 00:50:45,445 --> 00:50:49,157 No, I didn't. Let me ask you something. 591 00:50:49,449 --> 00:50:53,412 When they took this, there must've been some passersby. 592 00:50:53,620 --> 00:50:57,457 Other people around. How did they keep the crowd back? 593 00:50:57,624 --> 00:51:01,795 It was taken early in the morning. Nobody was up. 594 00:51:01,962 --> 00:51:06,968 - Except... You see that shadow? - Is it a sea gull? 595 00:51:07,260 --> 00:51:11,432 No, a coast guard helicopter. He kept buzzing the beach. 596 00:51:11,640 --> 00:51:15,310 Maybe you'd like me to autograph this before I leave. 597 00:51:15,602 --> 00:51:18,147 You're not leaving yet, are you? 598 00:51:18,439 --> 00:51:21,608 - How about more champagne? - Love some. 599 00:51:24,194 --> 00:51:26,155 Just freshen it. 600 00:51:28,866 --> 00:51:30,784 Oh, I'm awfully sorry. 601 00:51:30,993 --> 00:51:31,993 Here. 602 00:51:35,706 --> 00:51:39,334 We should have some music. Do you play the piano? 603 00:51:39,626 --> 00:51:44,339 Not really. Not any more. I used to. Just a little as a child. 604 00:51:44,506 --> 00:51:48,677 - Go ahead, play something. - Well, all right. 605 00:51:52,306 --> 00:51:56,310 Let's see if I remember this. It's a little tricky. 606 00:52:16,372 --> 00:52:20,543 "Chopsticks"! I can play that too. Shove over. 607 00:52:42,858 --> 00:52:47,613 I don't know about that Rachmaninoff, but this really gets me. 608 00:52:47,905 --> 00:52:50,241 - It does? - And how. 609 00:52:59,250 --> 00:53:03,379 - I can feel the goose pimples. - Goose pimples? 610 00:53:08,593 --> 00:53:10,428 Don't stop. 611 00:53:11,096 --> 00:53:12,472 Don't stop. 612 00:53:13,723 --> 00:53:17,143 - Why do you stop? - You know why. 613 00:53:17,394 --> 00:53:22,649 Because now I'm going to take you in my arms and kiss you... 614 00:53:22,941 --> 00:53:25,735 ...very quickly and very hard. 615 00:53:25,944 --> 00:53:27,946 Hey, wait a minute! 616 00:53:33,953 --> 00:53:38,165 - What happened? I lost track. - I don't know. 617 00:53:38,457 --> 00:53:41,627 This is terrible. There's nothing I can say. 618 00:53:41,919 --> 00:53:45,131 Except that I'm terribly sorry. 619 00:53:45,339 --> 00:53:47,967 Nothing like this ever happened to me before. 620 00:53:48,301 --> 00:53:51,679 This happens to me all the time. 621 00:53:52,138 --> 00:53:53,598 This is unforgivable. 622 00:53:53,806 --> 00:53:58,019 The only possible excuse is that I'm not quite myself tonight. 623 00:53:58,311 --> 00:54:01,856 Maybe it'd be better if you would just go. 624 00:54:02,148 --> 00:54:07,486 - Why? You're being silly. - Please go. I must insist. 625 00:54:10,281 --> 00:54:12,783 Take your potato chips and go. 626 00:54:14,953 --> 00:54:18,165 All right, if you really want me to. 627 00:54:22,336 --> 00:54:24,463 - Good night. - Good night. 628 00:54:27,132 --> 00:54:29,301 I think you're very nice. 629 00:54:34,806 --> 00:54:39,019 Nice! You're not nice. You're crazy, that's what you are. 630 00:54:39,311 --> 00:54:43,649 Helen's gone for one day and you're running amuck. 631 00:54:43,857 --> 00:54:49,363 Smoking, drinking, picking up girls, playing "Chopsticks." 632 00:54:51,323 --> 00:54:56,036 You're not gonna live through this summer. Not like this. 633 00:55:01,042 --> 00:55:02,919 Look at those bloodshot eyes. 634 00:55:03,211 --> 00:55:06,839 Look at that face, ravaged, dissipated, evil. 635 00:55:07,132 --> 00:55:10,511 One morning you'll look in the mirror and that's all. 636 00:55:10,719 --> 00:55:13,222 The Portrait of Dorian Gray. 637 00:55:35,411 --> 00:55:39,748 - Good morning, Mr. Sherman. - Good morning, Miss Morris. 638 00:55:41,333 --> 00:55:44,837 - Mr. Brady get in yet? - Yes, he came in early. 639 00:55:45,087 --> 00:55:49,259 - I wanna see him. Put this on my desk. - Of course. 640 00:55:49,426 --> 00:55:52,595 Would you like me to get coffee and a doughnut? 641 00:55:52,887 --> 00:55:53,930 No, thank you. 642 00:55:54,180 --> 00:55:57,434 Have you had breakfast, with the family away? 643 00:55:57,726 --> 00:56:00,854 I'm capable of fixing my own breakfast. 644 00:56:01,104 --> 00:56:05,775 I had a peanut butter sandwich and two whiskey sours. 645 00:56:11,114 --> 00:56:14,451 - Mr. Brady. - Oh, Sherman, come in. 646 00:56:16,536 --> 00:56:17,787 Well, what is it? 647 00:56:18,079 --> 00:56:23,460 I've been with this company for years, and I've never asked for a favor. 648 00:56:23,793 --> 00:56:27,464 - You had a raise in February. - I'm not talking about that. 649 00:56:27,714 --> 00:56:29,799 This is more important than money. 650 00:56:30,091 --> 00:56:34,972 I want two weeks off to join my wife and son in the country. 651 00:56:35,222 --> 00:56:39,894 This is our busy season. We're preparing our fall list. 652 00:56:40,144 --> 00:56:41,812 I'm very tense and upset. 653 00:56:42,104 --> 00:56:46,942 I'm on the verge of a breakdown. If I could get back with my wife... 654 00:56:47,151 --> 00:56:50,154 - How long have you been married? - Seven years. 655 00:56:50,446 --> 00:56:54,992 In a few years, you'll be delighted to get rid of them for the summer. 656 00:56:55,242 --> 00:56:59,663 Shipped them to Nantucket yesterday afternoon... 657 00:56:59,914 --> 00:57:02,625 ...and I haven't been to bed since. 658 00:57:05,127 --> 00:57:10,342 Drank bourbon, smoked cigars, played poker till this morning. 659 00:57:10,675 --> 00:57:13,845 Came to the office. Never felt better in my life. 660 00:57:14,137 --> 00:57:20,186 I may not go to bed at all till the family gets back in September. 661 00:57:20,686 --> 00:57:22,480 If I stay in New York alone... 662 00:57:22,688 --> 00:57:26,609 ...there's a chance I may not live to see September. 663 00:57:26,859 --> 00:57:31,197 That's ridiculous, Sherman. You're just a little lonely. 664 00:57:31,531 --> 00:57:35,827 What about us teaming up tonight, seeing if we can get lucky? 665 00:57:36,035 --> 00:57:38,538 It doesn't have to be just poker. 666 00:57:38,871 --> 00:57:42,375 We'll cut loose and have us a real hootenanny. 667 00:57:42,708 --> 00:57:47,880 It's very kind of you, but I don't think... No hootenannies. 668 00:57:48,172 --> 00:57:53,386 Suit yourself, but I've been thinking about that fall list. 669 00:57:53,636 --> 00:57:57,473 What would you think of a 25-cent reprint... 670 00:57:57,723 --> 00:58:01,894 - ...of The Portrait of Dorian Gray? - Dorian Gray? 671 00:58:02,145 --> 00:58:06,400 Look what we'll be giving them for a quarter! 672 00:58:06,650 --> 00:58:10,529 Vice, lust and corruption. The story of a young man: 673 00:58:10,737 --> 00:58:14,575 On the surface, clear-eyed and healthy, just like you. 674 00:58:14,867 --> 00:58:17,661 But underneath, dry rot. 675 00:58:17,911 --> 00:58:23,208 The termites of sin and depravity, gnawing at his soul. 676 00:58:23,500 --> 00:58:25,752 How does that strike you? 677 00:58:26,253 --> 00:58:28,453 No, no. No. 678 00:58:30,924 --> 00:58:32,176 Chapter six: 679 00:58:32,384 --> 00:58:36,597 "The Infidelity Pattern in the Married Male... 680 00:58:36,889 --> 00:58:38,557 ...or the 'seven-year itch.' 681 00:58:38,765 --> 00:58:43,437 A study of 18,000 marriages conducted by myself... 682 00:58:43,687 --> 00:58:47,774 ...leads us to believe that the 'urge curve' in the husband... 683 00:58:48,026 --> 00:58:51,029 ...rises sharply during the seventh year. 684 00:58:51,279 --> 00:58:54,449 This phenomenon is humorously... 685 00:58:54,782 --> 00:58:57,785 ...referred to as the seven-year itch. 686 00:58:58,244 --> 00:59:01,581 Far from humorous, this unfortunate urge... 687 00:59:01,789 --> 00:59:06,294 ...strikes 84.6% of the married male population... 688 00:59:06,544 --> 00:59:11,383 ...rising to an alarming 91.8% during the summer months." 689 00:59:20,976 --> 00:59:22,811 Changed my mind. 690 00:59:32,571 --> 00:59:37,661 "Case history A: Gustaf Meyerheim, the mad lover of Leipzig. 691 00:59:40,497 --> 00:59:45,168 An extreme, but not unusual case of the seven-year itch... 692 00:59:45,335 --> 00:59:48,505 ...occurred in Leipzig, Germany in 1912. 693 00:59:48,672 --> 00:59:52,842 Gustaf Meyerheim, happily married for seven years... 694 00:59:53,093 --> 00:59:56,012 ...suddenly..." Seven years! 695 01:00:01,810 --> 01:00:06,481 - Dr. Brubaker to see Mr. Sherman. - Doctor, you're early. 696 01:00:06,773 --> 01:00:10,694 Yes, my 3:00 patient jumped out of the window. 697 01:00:10,986 --> 01:00:13,822 So I'm ahead of schedule. Which door? 698 01:00:14,114 --> 01:00:15,907 This one. 699 01:00:19,202 --> 01:00:22,832 - Good afternoon, Mr. Sherman. - Dr. Brubaker. 700 01:00:23,040 --> 01:00:26,210 I see you've been working on my book. 701 01:00:26,419 --> 01:00:29,714 It's a wonderful book. Very important. 702 01:00:29,880 --> 01:00:32,258 - It has something for everyone. - Yes. 703 01:00:32,550 --> 01:00:37,221 You'll be happy to know that we're giving it a big promotion. 704 01:00:37,513 --> 01:00:41,684 You'll be seeing this in every drugstore in America. 705 01:00:41,934 --> 01:00:46,063 - "Of Sex and Violence"? - We had to soup up the title. 706 01:00:46,355 --> 01:00:48,733 What does this represent? 707 01:00:49,025 --> 01:00:52,737 Gustaf Meyerheim, the mad lover of Leipzig... 708 01:00:52,945 --> 01:00:56,407 ...terrorizing one of his victims. Isn't that sensational? 709 01:00:56,699 --> 01:01:01,454 May I remind you that Meyerheim was small, with a red beard? 710 01:01:01,746 --> 01:01:03,414 Nobody knows that. 711 01:01:03,706 --> 01:01:05,417 They know it in Leipzig. 712 01:01:05,625 --> 01:01:09,296 And all his victims were middle-aged women. 713 01:01:09,588 --> 01:01:12,967 Don't you think it'd be more effective... 714 01:01:13,259 --> 01:01:16,888 ...to show a man terrorizing a young girl, sales-wise? 715 01:01:17,096 --> 01:01:21,601 I'm not a salesman. I'm a doctor. I heal sick minds. 716 01:01:21,809 --> 01:01:27,273 I find ways to root out insecurities, neuroses, inner tensions... 717 01:01:28,483 --> 01:01:32,278 - What is it? What are you looking at? - Nothing. 718 01:01:34,322 --> 01:01:39,452 - Does that mean something, doctor? - No, nothing serious. 719 01:01:39,660 --> 01:01:44,248 - Dark clouds on the psychic horizon. - That's preposterous. 720 01:01:44,457 --> 01:01:47,960 A twitch in a thumb, a nerve or a muscle. 721 01:01:48,252 --> 01:01:53,425 You psychiatrists make a case out of it. Of all the ridiculous... 722 01:01:53,634 --> 01:01:56,345 - Are you very expensive? - Very. 723 01:01:56,637 --> 01:01:59,348 - I'm sure you make exceptions. - Never. 724 01:01:59,640 --> 01:02:02,309 If a case really interests you? 725 01:02:02,476 --> 01:02:05,479 At $50 an hour, all my cases interest me. 726 01:02:05,646 --> 01:02:10,442 If you run into something spectacular, another Gustaf Meyerheim... 727 01:02:10,692 --> 01:02:14,029 You wouldn't believe this, but last night... 728 01:02:14,321 --> 01:02:19,493 ...I found myself terrorizing a young lady. 729 01:02:19,701 --> 01:02:22,538 That could account for the thumb. 730 01:02:22,830 --> 01:02:27,376 Actually, it wasn't that bad. I just made a little boo-boo. 731 01:02:27,626 --> 01:02:31,171 Psychoanalysis doesn't recognize the boo-boo as such. 732 01:02:31,505 --> 01:02:33,715 Everything is unconscious. 733 01:02:33,966 --> 01:02:36,009 I was completely conscious. 734 01:02:36,218 --> 01:02:39,722 I told her to take her potato chips and go. 735 01:02:40,014 --> 01:02:43,977 - Potato chips. If you please... - All right, doctor. 736 01:02:47,480 --> 01:02:50,316 I'm in serious trouble. I'm married. 737 01:02:50,984 --> 01:02:54,863 "Serious trouble. Married." So far, normal. 738 01:02:55,113 --> 01:02:57,365 I've been married for seven years. 739 01:02:57,657 --> 01:03:01,703 I'm coming down with what you call the seven-year itch. 740 01:03:01,953 --> 01:03:06,666 - What am I going to do? - If something itches, scratch. 741 01:03:06,875 --> 01:03:11,129 I scratched. There was this lady. Everything went black. 742 01:03:11,379 --> 01:03:14,884 I terrorized her, I attempted to terrorize her. 743 01:03:15,176 --> 01:03:17,553 The attempt was unsuccessful? 744 01:03:17,803 --> 01:03:22,976 Definitely. All I did was knock us both off the piano bench. 745 01:03:23,226 --> 01:03:26,354 Let me understand. You attempted to terrorize... 746 01:03:26,563 --> 01:03:29,524 ...a young lady on a piano bench? 747 01:03:30,400 --> 01:03:31,400 Yes. 748 01:03:32,444 --> 01:03:36,531 And on whose person was this attempt committed? 749 01:03:37,115 --> 01:03:40,702 Here, doctor. I brought this with me. 750 01:03:40,911 --> 01:03:44,456 I didn't wanna leave it lying around the house. 751 01:03:44,915 --> 01:03:46,875 That's her. 752 01:03:47,083 --> 01:03:49,961 Her hair was a little longer then. 753 01:03:54,466 --> 01:03:59,721 It's called "Textures" because you can see three different textures. 754 01:03:59,930 --> 01:04:01,389 It got honorable mention. 755 01:04:01,598 --> 01:04:05,560 Splendid. I congratulate you on your good taste. 756 01:04:05,769 --> 01:04:08,898 Interesting driftwood formation too. 757 01:04:09,106 --> 01:04:13,277 I'll give you my advice. Do not attempt it again. 758 01:04:13,611 --> 01:04:16,989 But if you should, give yourself room to work in. 759 01:04:17,240 --> 01:04:21,118 Do not attempt it balanced on a piano bench. 760 01:04:21,285 --> 01:04:23,120 Such an attempt is doomed. 761 01:04:23,287 --> 01:04:26,749 - I love my wife. - Don't we all? Your time is up. 762 01:04:26,958 --> 01:04:32,171 If you find yourself in need of further analysis, phone my office. 763 01:04:32,463 --> 01:04:37,134 As for my book, we'll resume discussion as your... has subsided. 764 01:04:37,426 --> 01:04:42,682 If she tells anybody about this, I'll kill her with my bare hands. 765 01:04:42,974 --> 01:04:44,475 A possible solution. 766 01:04:44,684 --> 01:04:48,938 But murder is the most difficult crime to commit. 767 01:04:49,146 --> 01:04:52,316 Until you can commit a simple act of terror... 768 01:04:52,483 --> 01:04:57,322 ...I strongly advise you to avoid anything so complex. 769 01:04:57,656 --> 01:05:01,785 One must learn to walk before one can run. Goodbye. 770 01:05:08,959 --> 01:05:10,961 I'm in big trouble. 771 01:05:11,962 --> 01:05:14,882 Girls like this can't keep their mouths shut. 772 01:05:15,174 --> 01:05:17,802 This'll be all over New York. 773 01:05:18,011 --> 01:05:22,682 I bet right this minute she's telling someone about it. 774 01:05:23,057 --> 01:05:28,187 He lured me in his apartment. He made me sit on his piano bench. 775 01:05:28,396 --> 01:05:32,358 He made me play "Chopsticks." Then he turned on me. 776 01:05:32,567 --> 01:05:35,194 He was frothing at the mouth... 777 01:05:36,195 --> 01:05:40,075 ...just like the creature from the Black Lagoon! 778 01:05:41,368 --> 01:05:43,537 I knew it. I knew it! 779 01:05:43,746 --> 01:05:48,542 That's how these stories get started. Big blabbermouth. 780 01:05:48,751 --> 01:05:51,545 Then he lured her into his apartment... 781 01:05:51,754 --> 01:05:56,759 ...pretended he wasn't married. He forced her onto the piano bench. 782 01:05:57,051 --> 01:06:01,680 I know him very well. He was in here for dinner, 260 calories. 783 01:06:01,889 --> 01:06:05,059 He forced her to sit on the piano bench... 784 01:06:05,351 --> 01:06:09,021 ...and then he made her play "Chopsticks." 785 01:06:10,689 --> 01:06:16,070 The word is spreading. It's spreading. It's like jungle drums. 786 01:06:16,528 --> 01:06:20,407 Everybody knows about it. Everybody's talking about it. 787 01:06:21,575 --> 01:06:25,246 Television! I forgot she's on television. 788 01:06:25,538 --> 01:06:28,083 50 million TV sets in America. 789 01:06:28,375 --> 01:06:31,294 And now with the coaxial cable...! 790 01:06:32,253 --> 01:06:36,758 I had onions at lunch. I had garlic dressing at dinner. 791 01:06:37,050 --> 01:06:39,010 But he'll never know... 792 01:06:39,219 --> 01:06:45,308 ...because I stay kissing-sweet the new Dazzledent way. 793 01:06:48,436 --> 01:06:52,899 Now that I have your attention, I want to warn all you girls... 794 01:06:53,108 --> 01:06:56,569 ...about an evil, dangerous, married man... 795 01:06:56,820 --> 01:06:59,114 ...living downstairs in my building. 796 01:06:59,406 --> 01:07:02,450 His name is Richard Sherman. 797 01:07:02,784 --> 01:07:05,584 S-H-E-R-M-A-N. 798 01:07:06,413 --> 01:07:09,290 While his wife and son are in Maine... 799 01:07:09,499 --> 01:07:13,295 ...this monster is terrorizing the girls of New York. 800 01:07:13,587 --> 01:07:17,175 Mommy, come quick! They're talking about Daddy. 801 01:07:17,467 --> 01:07:20,595 He makes them sit on the piano bench... 802 01:07:20,846 --> 01:07:23,348 ...and makes them play "Chopsticks." 803 01:07:23,640 --> 01:07:26,518 Then suddenly he turns on them... 804 01:07:26,810 --> 01:07:30,480 just like the creature from the Black Lagoon! 805 01:07:33,650 --> 01:07:35,986 Well, I might as well face it. 806 01:07:36,862 --> 01:07:41,158 She knows everything. She knows, she knows, she knows. 807 01:07:41,992 --> 01:07:46,705 But maybe she doesn't. Maybe there isn't any TV up in Maine. 808 01:07:46,955 --> 01:07:51,168 I can't go on like this. Why don't I just call Helen? 809 01:07:51,460 --> 01:07:56,215 The minute I heard her voice, I could tell if she knew anything. 810 01:07:56,466 --> 01:07:58,676 All right, call her. 811 01:08:02,722 --> 01:08:06,642 Hello, long distance? I want Ogunquit, Maine. 812 01:08:06,851 --> 01:08:11,647 Ogunquit-42831 J. Yeah, thanks. 813 01:08:12,565 --> 01:08:18,029 What's taking so long? Maybe she's talking to the lawyers already. 814 01:08:18,362 --> 01:08:23,409 Hello, hello? Helen? Bad connection. 815 01:08:23,701 --> 01:08:26,871 Who? Who is this? 816 01:08:27,163 --> 01:08:29,832 I wanna talk to Mrs. Sherman. 817 01:08:30,041 --> 01:08:34,879 Who is this? Oh, the babysitter. 818 01:08:35,171 --> 01:08:39,258 Look, this is Mr. Sherman. Where is Mrs. Sherman? 819 01:08:39,675 --> 01:08:42,763 What do you mean she's on a hayride? 820 01:08:43,055 --> 01:08:45,933 With whom is she on a hayride? 821 01:08:46,433 --> 01:08:48,894 Mr. MacKenzie and some people? 822 01:08:50,229 --> 01:08:51,772 What people? 823 01:08:53,482 --> 01:08:58,070 She did leave a message? What was the message? 824 01:08:59,655 --> 01:09:04,910 Ricky's paddle. No, I forgot Something came up. 825 01:09:05,160 --> 01:09:08,997 I'll send it first thing in the morning. Goodbye! 826 01:09:09,289 --> 01:09:12,334 - Mr. Sherman? - What is it, Miss Morris? 827 01:09:12,584 --> 01:09:15,838 It's after 6. Do you need me any more tonight? 828 01:09:16,088 --> 01:09:19,759 No. We've come to the end of a perfect day. 829 01:09:19,968 --> 01:09:23,471 Let's go home and enjoy the simple things. 830 01:09:23,680 --> 01:09:28,769 The good things, the real things. The laughter of a child. 831 01:09:28,936 --> 01:09:33,023 A flight of swallows winging their way back home. 832 01:09:33,274 --> 01:09:36,110 Life can be beautiful, Miss Morris. 833 01:09:52,293 --> 01:09:53,293 Hey! 834 01:09:54,545 --> 01:09:55,838 Good evening. 835 01:09:56,797 --> 01:09:58,674 I just washed my hair. 836 01:09:59,967 --> 01:10:03,220 That's nice. Goodbye. 837 01:10:07,975 --> 01:10:12,146 Oh, no, not tonight. This girl's a pistol. 838 01:10:12,354 --> 01:10:15,650 Got away with it once. Why press my luck? 839 01:10:20,155 --> 01:10:24,993 It's gonna be quiet around here tonight. I promise you that. 840 01:10:25,201 --> 01:10:31,041 Take a shower, poach an egg, rinse a shirt, hit the sack... 841 01:10:31,583 --> 01:10:33,001 ...and that's all. 842 01:10:54,064 --> 01:10:58,526 If she was washing her hair for me, is she kidding? 843 01:11:01,072 --> 01:11:04,951 Helen, what a wife! How lucky can you get? 844 01:11:05,201 --> 01:11:07,578 I'm glad she's having a good time. 845 01:11:07,870 --> 01:11:12,208 People to go outwith, take her on hayrides. 846 01:11:14,126 --> 01:11:19,049 One thing, though. What's she doing on a hayride with MacKenzie? 847 01:11:19,383 --> 01:11:22,719 I wish she wouldn't hang around people like that. 848 01:11:22,970 --> 01:11:25,097 He's capable of making a pass at her. 849 01:11:25,389 --> 01:11:28,725 She'll probably like it. She's getting older. 850 01:11:28,892 --> 01:11:33,146 I'm probably very dull. And MacKenzie is a writer. 851 01:11:33,397 --> 01:11:37,651 A lousy writer. That last book of his! 852 01:11:37,943 --> 01:11:41,154 All that downwardly pulsating... 853 01:11:41,405 --> 01:11:44,324 ...and hair spilled across the pillow. 854 01:11:44,575 --> 01:11:49,497 No woman is safe around a guy who writes stuff like that. 855 01:12:04,679 --> 01:12:08,433 No, Tom, please. The other people! 856 01:12:08,683 --> 01:12:12,437 I have a confession to make. Look around. 857 01:12:15,314 --> 01:12:19,318 - There are no other people. - Don't be angry. 858 01:12:19,652 --> 01:12:21,362 I should be. 859 01:12:22,030 --> 01:12:25,033 No, Tom. What about the driver? 860 01:12:25,283 --> 01:12:29,287 - There is no driver. - No driver? 861 01:12:29,537 --> 01:12:33,625 I thought of everything. Even the horses are wearing blinkers. 862 01:12:34,126 --> 01:12:38,505 - Tom, I'm afraid. - Afraid? Of me? 863 01:12:38,797 --> 01:12:40,797 No, of me. 864 01:12:42,968 --> 01:12:46,972 Oh, darling! Downwardly, pulsating, striving. 865 01:12:47,222 --> 01:12:50,476 Now together, ending and unending. 866 01:12:50,726 --> 01:12:53,526 Now, now, now! 867 01:12:55,230 --> 01:12:59,359 What a cornball. Okay, good luck. 868 01:12:59,568 --> 01:13:04,531 If that's the way you wanna play it, I can play it that way too! 869 01:13:15,417 --> 01:13:18,171 Kaufman. Kaufman. Kaufman. 870 01:13:31,894 --> 01:13:37,274 Hi! Did you know you left your tomato plant down here last night? 871 01:13:39,360 --> 01:13:41,695 I'd be glad to bring it up. 872 01:13:43,531 --> 01:13:46,700 Maybe you'd like to have dinner. 873 01:13:48,536 --> 01:13:52,289 Then maybe we could go to an air-conditioned movie. 874 01:14:08,557 --> 01:14:11,768 Didn't you love the picture? I did. 875 01:14:12,060 --> 01:14:16,398 But I just felt so sorry for the creature at the end. 876 01:14:16,606 --> 01:14:20,735 Sorry? What, did you want him to marry the girl? 877 01:14:20,944 --> 01:14:25,490 He was scary-looking, but he wasn't really all bad. 878 01:14:25,740 --> 01:14:28,493 He just craved a little affection. 879 01:14:28,785 --> 01:14:32,747 A sense of being loved and needed and wanted. 880 01:14:32,998 --> 01:14:35,750 That's an interesting point of view. 881 01:14:36,168 --> 01:14:38,753 Do you feel the breeze from the subway? 882 01:14:38,962 --> 01:14:41,089 Isn't it delicious? 883 01:14:46,428 --> 01:14:51,267 Sort of cools the ankles. What would be fun to do now? 884 01:14:51,475 --> 01:14:54,478 - It's getting pretty late. - Not that late. 885 01:14:54,770 --> 01:14:58,274 I have this big day tomorrow. I have to get to sleep. 886 01:14:58,482 --> 01:14:59,692 What's the big day? 887 01:14:59,942 --> 01:15:04,780 Tomorrow I'm on TV. I told you, The Dazzledent Hour. 888 01:15:05,781 --> 01:15:07,992 Oh, here comes another one. 889 01:15:13,372 --> 01:15:17,960 Tell me, Dazzledent toothpaste, I don't think I ever tried it. 890 01:15:18,211 --> 01:15:22,507 You should. It's excellent. Oh, yes, I use it myself. 891 01:15:22,799 --> 01:15:26,470 - Then you do recommend it? - Definitely. 892 01:15:26,637 --> 01:15:31,975 It costs a little more, but 8 out of 10 oral hygienists... 893 01:15:32,226 --> 01:15:36,147 You sound like a commercial. If I believed commercials... 894 01:15:36,397 --> 01:15:40,068 - You can believe this one. - What's that you say? 895 01:15:40,318 --> 01:15:45,490 "He'll never know. I stay kissing- sweet the new Dazzledent way"? 896 01:15:45,698 --> 01:15:50,328 - Now really. - It's true! I'll prove it to you. 897 01:15:53,831 --> 01:15:54,831 Well? 898 01:15:55,541 --> 01:15:59,337 My faith in the integrity of advertising is restored. 899 01:15:59,671 --> 01:16:05,260 However, before I switch brands, I wanna make absolutely certain. 900 01:16:10,515 --> 01:16:14,352 A successful businessman like Kaufman... 901 01:16:14,560 --> 01:16:16,354 ...probably makes 15,000 a year. 902 01:16:16,521 --> 01:16:21,694 Spends a fortune on sculptures but will not put in air conditioning. 903 01:16:21,902 --> 01:16:25,281 I bet it was 95 in the bedroom last night. 904 01:16:25,572 --> 01:16:27,700 Poor kid, it's awful. 905 01:16:30,202 --> 01:16:31,203 Good night. 906 01:16:31,453 --> 01:16:34,915 If you wanted to drop by my place to cool off... 907 01:16:35,207 --> 01:16:38,544 ...before you face that Turkish bath up there... 908 01:16:38,794 --> 01:16:43,465 I left the air conditioning on full blast. It's cold in there. 909 01:16:43,716 --> 01:16:48,762 - Maybe for a few minutes. - To bring the body temperature down. 910 01:16:49,555 --> 01:16:52,599 I feel no matter how much it costs... 911 01:16:52,891 --> 01:16:56,103 ...if you've got to sell the kids' bonds... 912 01:16:56,395 --> 01:16:59,231 ...I say in the summertime in New York... 913 01:16:59,440 --> 01:17:02,401 ...you've got to have air conditioning. 914 01:17:03,819 --> 01:17:05,405 Just feel that. 915 01:17:11,244 --> 01:17:15,498 I didn't tell you, but I have air conditioning in every room. 916 01:17:15,790 --> 01:17:18,793 The kitchen, the bathroom, the bedroom. 917 01:17:19,085 --> 01:17:22,088 - Heaven! - You just relax. 918 01:17:22,339 --> 01:17:27,136 I'll fix two drinks, and we'll have a nice, quiet talk. 919 01:17:38,981 --> 01:17:41,317 This is really the most! 920 01:17:43,277 --> 01:17:45,946 Well, what shall we talk about? 921 01:17:46,155 --> 01:17:49,033 How about psychoanalysis? 922 01:17:49,450 --> 01:17:54,623 I don't know how much you know about it, but it's a hobby of mine. 923 01:17:54,831 --> 01:17:59,127 I like to wander through the labyrinth of the human mind. 924 01:17:59,336 --> 01:18:03,673 What gets me is spending $3.95 for that miserable fan. 925 01:18:03,965 --> 01:18:05,842 It's absolutely useless. 926 01:18:06,051 --> 01:18:09,721 I'll take it back to the store to get my money back. 927 01:18:09,971 --> 01:18:13,475 Just hope I didn't lose the sales slip. 928 01:18:14,309 --> 01:18:16,478 Two days ago we were strangers... 929 01:18:16,728 --> 01:18:19,856 ...and now you're here alone with me. 930 01:18:20,524 --> 01:18:23,318 How did it happen? Why did we meet? 931 01:18:23,568 --> 01:18:26,655 The answer lies in the unconscious. 932 01:18:27,322 --> 01:18:32,160 If they won't take back the fan, the larger size is only $3 more. 933 01:18:32,828 --> 01:18:37,917 But what about tonight? I've just got to get some sleep. 934 01:18:38,167 --> 01:18:43,423 You think that plant fell by itself? There are no accidents. 935 01:18:43,673 --> 01:18:46,551 Nothing happens by itself. We make it happen. 936 01:18:46,759 --> 01:18:51,055 You didn't accidentally brush the plant, you pushed it. 937 01:18:51,347 --> 01:18:56,394 Maybe if I took the fan, put it in the icebox... 938 01:18:56,686 --> 01:18:58,688 ...and left the door open... 939 01:18:58,938 --> 01:19:04,610 ...then left the bedroom door open and soaked the sheets in ice water... 940 01:19:04,861 --> 01:19:07,572 No, that's too icky. 941 01:19:07,780 --> 01:19:10,199 Your behavior is obvious. 942 01:19:10,450 --> 01:19:13,369 You pushed the plant down to kill me. 943 01:19:13,619 --> 01:19:16,122 And why do you suppose you wanted to? 944 01:19:16,414 --> 01:19:21,211 Could it be, could it possibly be because you love me? 945 01:19:24,798 --> 01:19:30,138 Of course I could simply ask him if... I'm sure he wouldn't mind. 946 01:19:31,389 --> 01:19:33,725 He's such a nice man. 947 01:19:34,267 --> 01:19:39,272 Nothing to be ashamed of. Under this veneer we're all savages. 948 01:19:39,564 --> 01:19:42,901 Man, woman, hopelessly enmeshed. 949 01:19:43,151 --> 01:19:47,447 We're on a toboggan, we can't stop. It's too late to run. 950 01:19:47,739 --> 01:19:49,991 The beguine has begun. 951 01:19:50,909 --> 01:19:53,119 What are we going to do? 952 01:19:55,163 --> 01:19:58,958 I've been thinking about it and I... 953 01:19:59,250 --> 01:20:00,250 Yes? 954 01:20:01,085 --> 01:20:04,339 I'd like to stay here with you tonight. 955 01:20:05,131 --> 01:20:07,259 I'd like to sleep here. 956 01:20:11,514 --> 01:20:15,267 - Are you sure? - That is, if you don't mind. 957 01:20:16,352 --> 01:20:20,981 It's not a question of minding. We don't wanna rush into this. 958 01:20:21,273 --> 01:20:25,945 There are savages, and savages. This may be too savage. 959 01:20:26,153 --> 01:20:28,322 If you want to stay... 960 01:20:28,948 --> 01:20:31,951 Don't make me go to that hot apartment. 961 01:20:32,117 --> 01:20:37,331 I haven't slept in three nights. I'd like to look good tomorrow. 962 01:20:37,623 --> 01:20:40,876 I could sleep right here in this chair. 963 01:20:41,168 --> 01:20:45,798 I'll be as quiet as a mouse. You won't know I'm around. Please? 964 01:20:47,883 --> 01:20:53,306 Well, that's different. Of course you can sleep here. 965 01:20:53,515 --> 01:20:56,643 We're not savages. We're civilized people. 966 01:20:56,893 --> 01:21:01,147 - Thank you. What time do you get up? - About 8, I guess. 967 01:21:01,356 --> 01:21:06,194 - I'll fix you breakfast. - Fix my breakfast... Wait a minute. 968 01:21:06,403 --> 01:21:10,865 Suppose someone sees you leaving the apartment at 8. 969 01:21:11,157 --> 01:21:13,660 Just one person sees you, and we're dead. 970 01:21:13,868 --> 01:21:18,915 All right then, I could get up at 6 and sneak upstairs. 971 01:21:19,165 --> 01:21:21,668 Get up at 6 and sneak... Sneak! 972 01:21:21,918 --> 01:21:26,006 Even worse. Suppose someone sees you sneaking out? 973 01:21:26,214 --> 01:21:28,426 We're not doing anything wrong. 974 01:21:28,676 --> 01:21:33,347 Certainly, but there's such a thing as society, laws, rules. 975 01:21:33,514 --> 01:21:36,726 But after all, no man is an island. 976 01:21:43,358 --> 01:21:47,613 - Who is it? - It's me, Mr. Kruhulik. 977 01:22:02,085 --> 01:22:04,963 - What is it? - I was just coming home. 978 01:22:05,213 --> 01:22:09,551 Went out with a lady, the one with the big, fat poodle. 979 01:22:09,760 --> 01:22:14,890 I saw your light. I thought it might be a good time to pick up the rugs. 980 01:22:15,098 --> 01:22:18,268 At 1:30 in the morning? Are you out of your mind? 981 01:22:18,477 --> 01:22:20,395 I promised your wife. 982 01:22:20,562 --> 01:22:25,652 Those moths are probably right now chewing away big, gaping holes. 983 01:22:25,902 --> 01:22:28,613 Stop worrying. I give you my word... 984 01:22:28,821 --> 01:22:31,407 ...the moths are not eating anything. 985 01:22:31,616 --> 01:22:35,578 Come tomorrow, early, before they have their breakfast. 986 01:22:35,787 --> 01:22:38,790 You can't trust a moth, Mr. Sherman. 987 01:22:39,082 --> 01:22:40,833 They get hungry at night... 988 01:22:41,084 --> 01:22:44,921 ...so they start looking around for a snack and... 989 01:22:51,344 --> 01:22:55,098 - Oh, I wish I was dead - What's the matter? 990 01:22:55,348 --> 01:22:59,477 I'm sorry. I didn't quite understand the situation. 991 01:22:59,769 --> 01:23:03,356 In a situation like this, who cares about moths? 992 01:23:03,606 --> 01:23:06,609 Situation, Mr. Kruhulik? What situation? 993 01:23:11,031 --> 01:23:13,701 Moths? Let them eat the rugs. 994 01:23:13,951 --> 01:23:16,829 Let them eat the curtains. Who cares? 995 01:23:17,538 --> 01:23:19,938 Go, man, go. 996 01:23:21,458 --> 01:23:25,462 I'd like to explain this. This may seem unusual. 997 01:23:25,671 --> 01:23:29,467 - But it's the most natural thing. - I'll say. 998 01:23:29,718 --> 01:23:34,889 Summertime, and the living is easy Fish are jumping, cotton is high." 999 01:23:35,140 --> 01:23:39,477 That's enough! The young lady lives in this building. 1000 01:23:39,686 --> 01:23:42,647 - There's been a terrible accident. - Hi. 1001 01:23:43,314 --> 01:23:45,714 Well, hello! 1002 01:23:47,652 --> 01:23:50,864 Isn't she a living doll? 1003 01:23:51,364 --> 01:23:54,242 This lady's tomato plant fell down. 1004 01:23:54,492 --> 01:23:58,080 Sorry to disappoint, but that's all there is to it. 1005 01:23:58,330 --> 01:24:01,041 In fact, I'm glad you dropped in. 1006 01:24:01,751 --> 01:24:05,546 You can help her take the plant upstairs. It's here. 1007 01:24:05,755 --> 01:24:08,758 I watered the garden with a cocktail shaker. 1008 01:24:09,008 --> 01:24:10,676 A little silver shaker. 1009 01:24:10,926 --> 01:24:14,221 You can see your insinuations are preposterous. 1010 01:24:14,513 --> 01:24:17,433 A natural mistake, Mr. Sherman. 1011 01:24:17,683 --> 01:24:22,521 And my apologies to you, dear lady. What a doll! 1012 01:24:22,772 --> 01:24:26,609 - Right out here, Mr. Kruhulik. - What a shambles. 1013 01:24:26,901 --> 01:24:31,113 It's all right. We're covered. I have a policy. 1014 01:24:33,365 --> 01:24:36,243 Thank you, Mr. Kruhulik, and good night. 1015 01:24:36,535 --> 01:24:40,122 Good night, Miss... Whatever your name is. 1016 01:24:40,414 --> 01:24:43,251 Be careful, it's heavy. Don't strain anything. 1017 01:24:43,543 --> 01:24:45,086 I'm strained already... 1018 01:24:45,378 --> 01:24:50,717 ...from carrying that big, fat poodle around. I wish I was dead! 1019 01:24:51,968 --> 01:24:55,722 - Well, good night. - Good night. 1020 01:24:56,890 --> 01:25:00,560 I'm sorry. But you can see how it is. 1021 01:25:00,811 --> 01:25:04,231 I understand. No man is an island. 1022 01:25:13,573 --> 01:25:14,908 Normal. 1023 01:25:17,452 --> 01:25:20,163 Everything is absolutely normal. 1024 01:25:20,455 --> 01:25:22,749 Sleep. Go to sleep. 1025 01:25:22,958 --> 01:25:25,293 How can I possibly sleep? 1026 01:25:26,294 --> 01:25:27,797 What'll I do? 1027 01:25:29,508 --> 01:25:34,513 Helen. Write to Helen. Write a long letter to Helen. 1028 01:25:35,931 --> 01:25:39,768 Paddle, that's it. I've got to send the paddle. 1029 01:25:39,977 --> 01:25:44,189 Little Ricky out there on the lake without a paddle. 1030 01:25:44,439 --> 01:25:49,027 Wrap the paddle and send it off in the morning. Ricky needs it. 1031 01:25:49,278 --> 01:25:54,658 Going to get his paddle. How do you wrap a paddle, anyway? 1032 01:25:54,950 --> 01:25:57,452 Paper and string, what else? 1033 01:25:58,620 --> 01:26:01,999 I need a piece of paper the shape of a paddle. 1034 01:26:12,134 --> 01:26:14,304 All right, nothing. 1035 01:26:16,055 --> 01:26:20,184 Hey, there's some gauze in the bathroom. 1036 01:26:20,393 --> 01:26:24,397 I can bandage the whole thing, put some tape on it and... 1037 01:26:24,647 --> 01:26:28,318 And what, send it up in an ambulance? 1038 01:26:30,987 --> 01:26:33,156 This is ridiculous. 1039 01:26:33,364 --> 01:26:37,327 People send paddles every day. The mails are full of them. 1040 01:26:37,577 --> 01:26:39,746 How do they do it? 1041 01:26:42,206 --> 01:26:45,543 That's it, old newspapers! 1042 01:26:45,919 --> 01:26:48,338 Big deal, old newspapers. 1043 01:26:48,504 --> 01:26:52,342 Get a lot of string, slap it together... 1044 01:27:11,195 --> 01:27:12,195 Hi. 1045 01:27:15,699 --> 01:27:21,038 Forgot about the stairs. It was so easy. I pulled out the nails. 1046 01:27:23,248 --> 01:27:26,919 You know what? We can do this all summer. 1047 01:28:18,305 --> 01:28:20,599 Miss. Young lady. 1048 01:28:21,434 --> 01:28:25,604 I've got to take a shower. Got to get to the office. 1049 01:28:25,855 --> 01:28:30,944 Please, lady, get up, go home so I can get to the office. 1050 01:28:31,528 --> 01:28:34,489 Please, lady? No? 1051 01:29:26,834 --> 01:29:30,546 Poor kid, working in New York in this heat. 1052 01:29:30,838 --> 01:29:35,511 And on television! Standing there under those hot lights. 1053 01:29:38,847 --> 01:29:41,600 She must need money real bad. 1054 01:29:41,850 --> 01:29:46,897 Lives in an expensive apartment. I know what clothes cost. 1055 01:29:47,189 --> 01:29:49,775 Buys imported champagne. 1056 01:29:50,526 --> 01:29:53,195 How can she possibly afford...? 1057 01:29:53,403 --> 01:29:55,864 She must have other sources of income. 1058 01:29:56,865 --> 01:30:01,788 Plenty of ways a girl can get money if she's unscrupulous enough. 1059 01:30:02,038 --> 01:30:07,252 She could get herself some foolish, well-to-do married man. 1060 01:30:07,544 --> 01:30:10,046 Trap him into some situation. 1061 01:30:10,255 --> 01:30:15,218 Bleed him till he's white, squeeze him till he's dry... 1062 01:30:16,803 --> 01:30:21,891 They have a word for this. They call it "blackmail." 1063 01:30:32,735 --> 01:30:35,822 Where is she? She's with Kruhulik. 1064 01:30:36,072 --> 01:30:40,243 They're down at the bank going through my safe-deposit box. 1065 01:30:46,917 --> 01:30:50,004 Hello, are you in there? 1066 01:30:50,254 --> 01:30:55,259 Hi, good morning! Just taking a shower. Be out in a minute. 1067 01:31:00,598 --> 01:31:04,518 Taking a shower, she'll be out in a minute, that's all. 1068 01:31:04,768 --> 01:31:09,190 I should get one of the new towels and take it to her. 1069 01:31:11,442 --> 01:31:15,279 That would very definitely be another boo-boo. 1070 01:31:17,448 --> 01:31:21,952 If anyone were to walk in, would they ever get the wrong idea. 1071 01:31:22,203 --> 01:31:27,458 Cinnamon toast for two, strange blond in the shower. Explain that. 1072 01:31:27,708 --> 01:31:31,503 Tell them you spent the night wrapping a paddle. 1073 01:31:35,384 --> 01:31:37,136 Anybody walk in here! 1074 01:31:37,345 --> 01:31:42,558 Who's gonna walk in here? J. Edgar Hoover? Arthur Godfrey? 1075 01:31:42,808 --> 01:31:44,560 Helen, maybe? 1076 01:31:50,691 --> 01:31:54,820 She's in Maine. How could she get here? 1077 01:31:56,822 --> 01:32:01,744 On the train, that's how. On the early morning train. 1078 01:32:01,994 --> 01:32:06,624 Why would she be coming to New York? Because she knows something. 1079 01:32:06,874 --> 01:32:10,753 Because someone tipped her off. Who could've tipped...? 1080 01:32:11,003 --> 01:32:14,048 Kruhulik! He saw the girl here last night 1081 01:32:14,298 --> 01:32:18,553 ...called Helen long distance and told her everything. 1082 01:32:18,804 --> 01:32:23,934 She's on the train, I know it. Early morning train's in already. 1083 01:32:24,142 --> 01:32:29,231 She's in a cab. She's on her way here. She'll be here any second! 1084 01:32:37,489 --> 01:32:41,159 There's a woman in this apartment. I know there is. 1085 01:32:41,410 --> 01:32:45,956 - No, Helen, it's not true. - Don't lie to me, Richard. 1086 01:32:46,206 --> 01:32:49,543 Who told you? Was it Kruhulik? 1087 01:32:49,835 --> 01:32:54,423 That's right. I've had him watching you for months. 1088 01:32:55,048 --> 01:33:00,470 His name's not Kruhulik. He's a private eye named Johnny Dollar. 1089 01:33:00,679 --> 01:33:04,100 - What are you going to do? - I'm going to shoot you. 1090 01:33:04,350 --> 01:33:08,229 I can explain everything. The cinnamon toast, the shower. 1091 01:33:08,521 --> 01:33:09,981 This girl's from Denver. 1092 01:33:10,231 --> 01:33:15,278 The Kaufmans have no air conditioning. Spend a fortune on sculpture. 1093 01:33:15,528 --> 01:33:19,991 The drugstore wouldn't take back her fan, she lost the slip. 1094 01:33:20,241 --> 01:33:25,538 So I let her sleep in our bed. I was just wrapping the paddle. 1095 01:33:26,539 --> 01:33:30,918 At least have the decency to keep the paddle of a child... 1096 01:33:31,169 --> 01:33:32,879 ...out of this sordid mess. 1097 01:33:34,672 --> 01:33:37,760 You're mad. You'll never get away with this. 1098 01:33:38,052 --> 01:33:42,473 Yes, I will. There's such a thing as the unwritten law. 1099 01:33:42,723 --> 01:33:44,433 Goodbye, Richard. 1100 01:33:47,436 --> 01:33:51,649 - Give me another chance! - They'll give me a medal. 1101 01:33:51,858 --> 01:33:55,278 The wives of America will give me a medal! 1102 01:34:07,791 --> 01:34:12,462 Helen, I'm going fast. Give me a cigarette. 1103 01:34:12,712 --> 01:34:18,093 A cigarette! You know what Dr. Murphy told you about smoking. 1104 01:34:21,679 --> 01:34:23,431 A cigarette. 1105 01:34:26,226 --> 01:34:28,812 Just one more cigarette, Dr. Murphy. 1106 01:34:29,771 --> 01:34:32,023 One more for the road. 1107 01:34:32,357 --> 01:34:34,693 For the long, long road. 1108 01:34:36,987 --> 01:34:37,987 Hi. 1109 01:34:39,907 --> 01:34:43,536 - What are you doing? - I need a cigarette. 1110 01:34:43,744 --> 01:34:46,789 They're right there on the table. 1111 01:34:48,082 --> 01:34:51,752 - What's the matter with you? - I'm all shot. 1112 01:34:52,002 --> 01:34:56,173 It's because I took your bed and you slept on the couch. 1113 01:34:56,424 --> 01:34:59,218 I knew I should've taken the couch. 1114 01:34:59,510 --> 01:35:01,762 It's not the couch, it's my wife. 1115 01:35:02,012 --> 01:35:05,724 - She found out about us and shot me. - She what? 1116 01:35:05,933 --> 01:35:09,895 Five times in the back and twice in the belly. 1117 01:35:10,271 --> 01:35:12,857 You're just having a bad dream. 1118 01:35:13,774 --> 01:35:16,569 Yeah, I guess so. 1119 01:35:17,820 --> 01:35:21,241 Come on now. Everything's fine. 1120 01:35:21,533 --> 01:35:26,830 It's just my imagination. Some people have flat feet. 1121 01:35:27,080 --> 01:35:31,960 - I have this appalling imagination. - I think it's just elegant. 1122 01:35:32,210 --> 01:35:37,258 I just have no imagination at all. I have lots of other things. 1123 01:35:37,633 --> 01:35:41,387 I was standing in the kitchen. Then it occurred to me. 1124 01:35:41,637 --> 01:35:46,684 If my wife walked in with you in the shower, she'd probably shoot me. 1125 01:35:46,934 --> 01:35:49,687 Of course. If I was married... 1126 01:35:49,937 --> 01:35:55,359 ...and came in on my husband making toast for a blond, I'd shoot him. 1127 01:35:55,776 --> 01:35:58,488 - You would? - Bang, bang, bang! 1128 01:35:58,738 --> 01:36:00,573 Right in the head. 1129 01:36:01,574 --> 01:36:03,618 Come on now, relax. 1130 01:36:03,868 --> 01:36:07,831 - You're just making this all up. - That's right. 1131 01:36:08,081 --> 01:36:12,377 I don't suppose if she had come in she'd shoot me. 1132 01:36:12,586 --> 01:36:16,256 She'd be mad, maybe throw an ashtray. 1133 01:36:16,507 --> 01:36:19,885 - Just that? - She probably wouldn't even do that. 1134 01:36:20,135 --> 01:36:22,513 If she found you in the shower... 1135 01:36:22,763 --> 01:36:25,766 ...she'd probably think you were the plumber. 1136 01:36:26,767 --> 01:36:31,021 - A blond plumber? - Absolutely. She trusts me implicitly. 1137 01:36:31,271 --> 01:36:34,566 - Doesn't she love you? - Oh, she loves me. 1138 01:36:34,816 --> 01:36:36,318 She worries about me. 1139 01:36:36,568 --> 01:36:40,656 I had a cough, and she made me stop smoking. 1140 01:36:40,864 --> 01:36:43,784 - She loves me, all right. - Isn't she jealous? 1141 01:36:43,992 --> 01:36:50,290 Not really. How can anybody be jealous of somebody with a briefcase... 1142 01:36:50,499 --> 01:36:55,338 ...who's getting a little pot and can't keep his eyes open past 9? 1143 01:36:55,547 --> 01:36:58,925 She trusts me. It'd never occur to her that I... 1144 01:36:59,175 --> 01:37:03,221 Last Christmas, I came home with lipstick on my collar. 1145 01:37:03,471 --> 01:37:08,059 Helen said, "What's that on your collar, cranberry sauce?" 1146 01:37:09,477 --> 01:37:14,232 - That's bad. - You know who kissed me? Mrs. Brady. 1147 01:37:14,482 --> 01:37:18,695 Face it, no pretty girl wants me, she wants Gregory Peck. 1148 01:37:18,987 --> 01:37:22,782 Is that so? How do you know what a pretty girl wants? 1149 01:37:23,032 --> 01:37:25,159 I don't know, but I imagine... 1150 01:37:25,410 --> 01:37:29,247 Your imagination! You think every girl's a dope. 1151 01:37:29,497 --> 01:37:33,710 You think a girl goes to a party and there's some guy... 1152 01:37:33,918 --> 01:37:37,631 ...in a fancy striped vest strutting around... 1153 01:37:37,881 --> 01:37:42,512 ...giving you that I'm-so-handsome- you-can't-resist-me look. 1154 01:37:42,762 --> 01:37:46,182 From this she's supposed to fall flat on her face. 1155 01:37:46,433 --> 01:37:49,311 Well, she doesn't fall on her face. 1156 01:37:50,520 --> 01:37:54,774 But there's another guy in the room, over in the corner. 1157 01:37:55,025 --> 01:37:58,737 Maybe he's nervous and shy and perspiring a little. 1158 01:37:58,987 --> 01:38:01,031 First, you look past him. 1159 01:38:01,239 --> 01:38:06,036 But then you sense that he's gentle and kind and worried. 1160 01:38:06,286 --> 01:38:11,124 That he'll be tender with you, nice and sweet. 1161 01:38:11,458 --> 01:38:14,377 That's what's really exciting. 1162 01:38:17,672 --> 01:38:21,885 If I were your wife, I'd be very jealous of you 1163 01:38:22,469 --> 01:38:25,640 I'd be very, very jealous 1164 01:38:31,604 --> 01:38:34,190 I think you're just elegant. 1165 01:38:36,359 --> 01:38:37,902 Thank you. 1166 01:38:39,362 --> 01:38:41,072 Aren't you going to answer it? 1167 01:38:41,322 --> 01:38:44,158 - Answer what? - The doorbell. 1168 01:38:45,242 --> 01:38:48,537 Go ahead, I'll put the cinnamon on the toast. 1169 01:39:01,926 --> 01:39:04,470 Tom MacKenzie! 1170 01:39:04,720 --> 01:39:07,848 - Morning, Dickie-boy. - What are you doing here? 1171 01:39:08,099 --> 01:39:12,062 - Don't call me "Dickie-boy." - Got a date with my agent. 1172 01:39:12,312 --> 01:39:14,564 - Is that coffee I smell? - No. 1173 01:39:14,815 --> 01:39:19,861 I'm glad I caught you. We've got important family business to discuss. 1174 01:39:20,112 --> 01:39:23,907 - Are you sure that's not coffee? - Positive. My family? 1175 01:39:24,157 --> 01:39:28,704 I was driving down and Helen asked me to stop by and ask you... 1176 01:39:28,954 --> 01:39:32,082 She did? I'm glad she did... 1177 01:39:32,374 --> 01:39:34,626 ...because I wanna talk to you. 1178 01:39:34,876 --> 01:39:37,838 What's the matter, Dickie-boy? 1179 01:39:38,046 --> 01:39:42,635 You think you're pretty fancy with the blinkers on the horses. 1180 01:39:42,885 --> 01:39:45,304 What blinkers? What horses? 1181 01:39:45,555 --> 01:39:48,891 And no driver and no other people. 1182 01:39:49,183 --> 01:39:52,478 - You drunk or something? - No, I'm not drunk. 1183 01:39:52,687 --> 01:39:57,234 - You took Helen on a hayride. - No, in fact, I didn't. 1184 01:39:57,484 --> 01:40:01,363 She went with the other people. And it was like a bus. 1185 01:40:01,613 --> 01:40:05,242 - That's your story. - I have terrible hay fever. 1186 01:40:05,492 --> 01:40:08,162 I've had it ever since the Army. 1187 01:40:08,370 --> 01:40:13,167 This doctor took a wad of cotton. He went in and down... 1188 01:40:13,417 --> 01:40:17,963 In and down. "inwardly, downwardly pulsating! 1189 01:40:18,213 --> 01:40:23,510 Now together, ending and unending! Now, now!" I know all about it. 1190 01:40:23,802 --> 01:40:25,429 - You're drunk. - Get out! 1191 01:40:25,679 --> 01:40:28,974 - If Helen sent you to get a divorce... - Divorce? 1192 01:40:29,224 --> 01:40:31,560 I absolutely refuse! 1193 01:40:31,852 --> 01:40:36,064 - She sent me for the paddle. - I'll fight it in every court! 1194 01:40:36,315 --> 01:40:40,361 I can explain the stairs, the blond in the kitchen. 1195 01:40:40,612 --> 01:40:45,784 - Wait, what blond in the kitchen? - Wouldn't you like to know? 1196 01:40:45,992 --> 01:40:48,244 Maybe it's Marilyn Monroe! 1197 01:40:48,870 --> 01:40:52,457 Blind, stinking drunk at 8:30 in the morning! 1198 01:40:52,707 --> 01:40:57,253 I'll get six lawyers, I'll bribe judges, but no divorce! 1199 01:40:57,462 --> 01:41:01,132 Listen to me. Helen does not want a divorce! 1200 01:41:01,382 --> 01:41:05,136 All she wants is Ricky's paddle! 1201 01:41:06,471 --> 01:41:10,350 - Ricky's paddle? - The other kids are out on the lake. 1202 01:41:10,642 --> 01:41:15,563 But Ricky has to stay on the dock. You wouldn't send his paddle! 1203 01:41:15,855 --> 01:41:20,360 If anybody is gonna take Ricky's paddle back... 1204 01:41:20,610 --> 01:41:22,403 ...I'm gonna take it back. 1205 01:41:22,654 --> 01:41:25,657 And I've got a good mind to punch you. 1206 01:41:25,908 --> 01:41:29,078 - Why? - Because you're a love you. 1207 01:41:29,370 --> 01:41:33,874 Strutting around in your vest with that I'm-so-handsome look. 1208 01:41:34,124 --> 01:41:38,629 - Let me tell you, Helen loves me. - Sure, she loves you! 1209 01:41:38,879 --> 01:41:43,385 She loves me because I'm sweet and gentle and worried... 1210 01:41:43,635 --> 01:41:46,805 ...and nervous and shy and tender! 1211 01:41:55,856 --> 01:41:57,524 Breakfast is ready. 1212 01:41:59,985 --> 01:42:03,196 - Anybody you know? - Meet Tom MacKenzie. 1213 01:42:03,446 --> 01:42:06,783 - How do you do? - He came for Ricky's paddle. 1214 01:42:07,033 --> 01:42:11,581 - I'm taking it to him. - Is this a good time to pick up the...? 1215 01:42:11,873 --> 01:42:15,334 - I wish I was dead. - Wait a minute, Kruhulik. 1216 01:42:15,543 --> 01:42:19,130 If you wanna pick up something, pick up this. 1217 01:42:19,422 --> 01:42:22,216 What do you want me to do with him? 1218 01:42:22,466 --> 01:42:27,346 I don't care. Put him in mothballs. Just get him out of here. 1219 01:42:27,597 --> 01:42:30,975 Boy, I'm telling you, lug the fat poodle... 1220 01:42:31,225 --> 01:42:34,395 ...lug the tomato plant, now lug this. 1221 01:42:34,645 --> 01:42:39,233 I'll be glad when the wives get home and things settle down. 1222 01:42:40,443 --> 01:42:44,030 The 8:47, I can still make the 8:47. 1223 01:42:44,280 --> 01:42:46,741 I can't stay for breakfast, I'm sorry. 1224 01:42:46,991 --> 01:42:48,951 Don't ever be sorry. 1225 01:42:49,201 --> 01:42:51,954 Do me a favor. Call Brady & Company. 1226 01:42:52,204 --> 01:42:57,836 Tell Mr. Brady I'm taking two weeks off, whether he likes it or not. 1227 01:42:59,254 --> 01:43:02,799 Why don't you stay here? You've got your own duplex. 1228 01:43:03,050 --> 01:43:06,219 Big, tall martinis, air conditioning. 1229 01:43:06,470 --> 01:43:10,724 - Thank you. - Well, I guess that's all. 1230 01:43:11,350 --> 01:43:13,393 - Just one more thing. - What? 1231 01:43:13,602 --> 01:43:16,438 I have a message for your wife. 1232 01:43:24,801 --> 01:43:26,254 Don't wipe it off. 1233 01:43:26,657 --> 01:43:28,867 If she thinks it's cranberries... 1234 01:43:29,076 --> 01:43:32,663 ...tell her she's got cherry pits in her head. 1235 01:43:34,665 --> 01:43:35,665 Wait! 1236 01:43:42,800 --> 01:43:43,800 Hey! 96680

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