Original subtitles

(TH EME MUSIC P LAYI N G)

Oh, God, bi lls, bi lls, bi lls!

One is born, one ru ns u p bi lls, one d ies.

What have I got to show for it? N oth I ng.

A butler's u n iform a nd a slig htly effem I nate ha I rdo.

H onestly, Ba ld rick, someti mes I feel li ke a pelica n.

Wh ichever way I tu rn, I've sti ll got a n enormous bi ll I n front of me.

Pass the biscu it ba rrel. Let's see what's I n the kitty, sha ll we?

N I nepence ! Oh, God, what a re we goi ng to do?

Don't worry, Mr B. I have a cu n n I ng pla n to solve the problem.

Yes, Ba ld rick, let us not forget

that you tried to solve the problem of you r mother's low cei li ng

by cutti ng off her head.

But th is is a rea lly good one.

You become a dash I ng h ig hwayma n.

Then, you pay a ll you r bi lls, a nd on top of that,

everyone wi ll wa nt to sleep with you.

Ba ld rick, I cou ld become a prostitute a nd pay my bi lls,

a nd everyone wou ld wa nt to sleep with me,

but I do consider certa I n professions beneath me.

And, besides wh ich, I fa I I to see why a com mon th ief shou ld be idolised

j ust beca use he has a horse between h is legs.

My favou rite's the Shadow.

What a ma n, they say he's ha lfway to bei ng the new Robi n H ood.

Why on ly ha lfway?

Well, he stea ls from the rich,

but he hasn't gotten a rou nd to g ivi ng it to the poor yet.

Look, I've got a poster of h I m.

Ba ld rick, I have no desi re to get h u ng, for wea ri ng a si lly hat.

If I wa nt to get rich q u ick, a ll I have to do is go u psta I rs

a nd ask Pri nce Fathead for a ra ise.

(B ELL RI N GI N G)

Ah ! The ba n k's open.

Good morn I ng, si r.

May I say how I m mensely rich you ' re looki ng?

N ow, was there a nyth I ng you wa nted, si r? Anyth I ng at a ll. Absolutely a nyth I ng.

Why, yes, old fellow.

I was wonderi ng if you cou ld possi bly lend me a bit of cash?

But of cou rse, si r, I...

Cash?

Yes, I' m rotten, sti n ki ng, stony, sti n ki ng broke.

But, si r, what a bout the 5,000 that Pa rlia ment voted

you on ly last week to d ri n k you rself to death with?

All gone, I' m afra id.

You see, I've d iscovered th is terrifica lly fu n new ga me.

It's ca lled "ca rds".

What ha ppens is you sit ' rou nd a ta ble with you r friends,

a nd you dea I out five "ca rds" each,

a nd then the object of the ga me

is to g ive away a ll you r money as q u ickly as possi ble.

- Do you know it? -Vag uely, si r, yes.

All the cha ps say I' m terrific at it.

I seem to remem ber I was very bad it.

I a lways seemed to end u p with more money tha n I sta rted with.

Yes, well, it's a ll down to practise.

I' m a natu ra I, a ppa rently.

The on ly d rawback, of cou rse, is that it's pretty da m ned expensive.

So, basica lly, I was wonderi ng if you cou ld lend me a cou ple of h u nd red?

I' m afra id that's I m possi ble, si r.

I' m as poor as a ch u rch mouse that's j ust had a n enormous tax bi ll

on the very day h is wife ra n off with a nother mouse, ta ki ng a ll the cheese.

What a m I goi ng to do?

Yes, that's a d ifficu it one. H m m ...

Well, let's see now. You ca n't borrow money,

you ' re not goi ng to I n herit a ny money

a nd obviously you ca n't ea rn money...

Si r...

Si r, d rastic situations ca ll for d rastic measu res.

If you ca n't ma ke money, you ' ll have to ma rry it.

(S H RI EKS) Ma rry? N ever!

I' m a gay bachelor, Blackadder!

I' m a roa rer, a rogerer, a gorger a nd a pu ker.

I ca n't ma rry. I' m you ng,

-I' m fi rm-buttocked, I' m.. . - Broke.

Well, yes, I su ppose so.

And don't forget, si r, that the modern ch u rch sm I les on

roa ri ng a nd gorg I ng with I n wed lock.

And, I ndeed, rogeri ng is keen ly encou raged.

And the pu ki ng?

Mm m, I believe sti ll very m uch down

to the conscience of the I nd ivid ua I ch u rch-goer.

Why, yes, ta lly-ho, then, Blackadder!

Yes, you fix it u p! You know the ki nd of g I rls I li ke.

They've got to be lovers, la ug hers, da ncers...

-And bon kers. -Well, that goes without sayi ng.

-Oh, God ! -Someth I ng wrong, Mr B?

I ca n't fi nd a si ng le person su ita ble to ma rry the Pri nce.

Oh, please keep tryi ng.

I love a roya I wedd I ng.

The excitement, the crowds, the souven I r m ugs,

the worryi ng a bout whether the bride's lost weig ht.

N ot li kely with th is lot, I' m afra id.

If the Pri nce had sti pu lated " m ust weig h a q ua rter of a ton ne, "

we'd be la ug h I ng.

Of the 262 pri ncesses I n Eu rope, 165 a re over 80. They're out.

Forty-seven a re u nder 10. They're out. 39 a re mad.

Well, they sou nd idea I.

Well, they wou ld be if they had n't a ll gotten ma rried

last week I n Mu n ich to the sa me horse.

-Wh ich leaves us with two. -And what a bout them?

Well, there's Gra nd Duchess Soph ia of Tu ri n.

-We'll never get her to ma rry h I m . -Why not?

Beca use she's met h I m.

Wh ich leaves?

Ca roli ne of Bru nswick is the on ly ava I la ble pri ncess I n Eu rope.

And what's wrong with her?

(S H OUTI N G) Get more coffee, it's horrid, cha nge it!

Ta ke me roug h ly from beh I nd ! N o, not li ke that, li ke th is!

Trousers off, tackle out!

Wa lk the dog ! Where's my present?

All rig ht, wh ich one do you wa nt me to do fi rst?

N o, that's what Ca roli ne's li ke.

She is fa mous for havi ng the worst persona lity I n Germa ny,

a nd, as you ca n I mag I ne,

that's u p aga I nst some pretty stiff com petition.

So, you're stuck, then?

Yes, I' m afra id I a m. U n less...

Oh, u n less, pass me the pa per, Ba ld rick, q u ickly.

Ba ld rick, why has ha if the front page been cut out?

I don't know.

-You do know, don't you? -Yes.

You've been cutti ng out the cutti ngs a bout the elusive Shadow

to put I n you r h ig hwayma n 's scra pbook, haven't you?

Oh, I ca n't help it, Mr B!

H is life is so da rk, a nd shadowy a nd fu ll of fea r a nd trepidation.

So is goi ng to the toi let I n the m idd le of the n ig ht,

but you don't keep a scra pbook on it.

I do.

N ow let's see. Society pages.

You see, it need n't necessa ri ly be a pri ncess.

All the Pri nce wa nts is someone pretty a nd rich.

Oh, dea r, that ru les me out, then.

N ow, let me see. " Bea u Bru m mell I n Pu rple Pa nts Probe".

" Ki ng Ta lks To Tree. Phew! What A Loony! "

God, The Times has rea lly gone down h I ll recently.

Ah-ha ! Listen to th is! Listen to th is!

"Mysterious northern be a uty, Miss Amy Ha rdwood,

"comes to London a nd spends fli ppi ng g reat wodges of cash. "

That's ou r ba by!

H onestly, Blackadder, I don't know why I' m botheri ng to get d ressed.

As soon as I get to the Na ug hty H ellfi re Clu b

I'll be de-bagged a nd rad ished for non-payment of debts.

Rad ished, si r?

Yes, they pu ll you r britches down a nd push a la rge rad ish rig ht u p you r...

Yes, yes, yes, a ll rig ht!

There's no need to ha m mer it home.

-As a matter of fact, they do often.. . - (S H OUTI N G) N o, no!

(STAMMERS) You r money worries a re over, si r.

Well, h u rra h for that!

I've fou nd you a bride.

H er na me is Amy, da ug hter of the noted I nd ustria list, Mr Ha rdwood.

Oh, da m n it, Blackadder! You know I loathe I nd ustria lists!

Sad, ba ld I ng little proles I n thei r da m n-you r-eyes weskits.

All puffed u p j ust beca use they know

where to put the legs on a pa I r of trousers.

U h, believe me, si r, these people a re the futu re.

Th is ma n proba bly owns ha if of La ncash I re.

H is fa m I ly's got more m I lls tha n you've got bra I n cells.

- H ow ma ny m I lls? -Seven, si r.

Qu ite a lot of m I lls, then.

Yes, he has patented a mach I ne ca lled the Ravelli ng Na ncy.

-Mm m-h m m. What does it do? -It ravels cotton, si r.

-What for? -That, I ca n not say, si r.

I a m one of those people who a re q u ite ha ppy to wea r cotton.

But have no idea how it works.

She is a lso a be a uty, si r.

Well, if she's goi ng to be my bi rd, she better be.

Rig ht, so, what's the pla n?

Well, I thoug ht I cou ld ta ke her a short note

expressi ng you r honou ra ble I ntentions.

Yes, yes, I th I n k so, too. All rig ht, then. Well, ta ke th is down ...

" From h is Roya I H ig h ness,

the Pri nce of Wa les to Miss Amy Ha rdwood.

"Ta lly ho, my fi ne, sa ucy you ng trollop, you r luck's I n!

"Tri p a long here with a ll you r cash

"a nd some na ug hty n ig ht atti re,

"a nd you ' ll be sta ri ng at my bed room cei li ng

"from now ti ll Ch ristmas, you lucky ta rt!

"You rs, with the deepest respect, et cetera, sig ned George.

" P.S. Woof! Woof! "

Well, what do you th I n k?

It's very movi ng, si r.

Wou ld you m I nd if I cha nged j ust one ti ny aspect of it?

-Wh ich one? -The words.

Oh, yes, I'll leave the deta I ls to you, Blackadder.

Just ma ke su re she knows I' m a ll ma n, with a bit of a n I ma I th rown I n. (G ROWLS)

Certa I n ly, si r.

" From h is Roya I H ig h ness, the Pri nce of Wa les,

to Miss Amy Ha rdwood.

"The u ptu rned ti lt of you r ti ny wee nosey

"smells as sweet as a g reat big posy. "

Fa ncifu I stuff, of cou rse, mada m, but, but from the hea rt.

H e says my nosey is ti ny?

And wee, mada m.

(GIGG LES) Well, he m ust be a n awfu I clever-clogs,

beca use, you see, my nosey is ti ny,

a nd so wee that I someti mes th I n k the pixies gave it to me ! (GIGG LES)

H e conti n ues, "Oh, Lady Amy, Queen of a ll you r sex... "

I a polog ise for the word, mada m, but Pri nce George is a ma n of a passion.

Oh, don't worry, I ca n get pretty cross myself someti mes.

Tell me, Mr Blackadder, I've hea rd a teensy ru mou r

that the Pri nce has the ma n ners of a boy cow's d I ng le-da ng le.

What do you have to say to that?

Oh, that is a lie, mada m.

Pri nce George is shy a nd j ust pretends to be bluff a nd crass

a nd u n believa bly th ick a nd g ittish,

wh I lst deep down,

he is a soft little ma rsh ma llowy, pig letty type of creatu re.

Oh, I' m so g lad, beca use, you see, I a m a delicate, ti ny th I ng myself,

wea k a nd si lly a nd li ke a little fluffy ra bbit.

So, I cou ld never ma rry a horrid heffa lu m p,

or I'm ig ht get sq u ished.

Tell me, when ca n I meet the lovely Pri nce?

You wa nt to meet h I m?

Well, if we're goi ng to get ma rried, I th I n k I proba bly oug ht to.

I know! Tell h I m to come a nd serenade me ton ig ht.

I'll be on my ba lcony I n my j I m-ja ms.

Certa I n ly, mada m.

Eh u p! Who's th is big g I rl's blouse, then?

Father, th is is Mr Blackadder. H e's come a-wooi ng from the Pri nce.

You have a be a utifu I a nd cha rm I ng da ug hter, si r.

Indeed, I do. I love her more tha n a ny pig, a nd that's sayi ng su m mat.

It certa I n ly is.

Let me tell you,

I'd no more place her I n the ha nds of a n u nworthy ma n

tha n I'd place my Joh n Thomas

I n the ha nds of a lu natic with a pa I r of scissors.

An attitude that does you cred it, si r.

I'd rather ta ke off a ll my clothes a nd pa I nt my bottom blue,

tha n g ive her to a ma n who d id n't love her!

What self-respecti ng father cou ld do more?

On the other ha nd, if it's the Pri nce.

He ca n have her for ten bob a nd a pickled egg.

I ca n see where you r da ug hter gets her ready wit, si r.

Tha n k you!

Althoug h where she gets her good looks a nd cha rm is perha ps more of a mystery.

N o one ever made money out of good looks a nd cha rm.

You obviously haven't met Lady Ha m I lton, si r.

I tell you, Ba ld rick, I' m not looki ng forwa rd to th is even I ng,

Tryi ng to serenade a lig ht, fluffy, bu n ny of a g I rl,

I n the com pa ny of a n a rroga nt, ha if-Germa n yob with a mad dad.

- H e is the Pri nce of Wa les. - Have you ever been to Wa les, Ba ld rick?

N o, but I've often thoug ht I'd li ke to.

Well, don't, it's a g hastly place.

H uge ga ngs of toug h, si newy men roa m the va lleys

terrifyi ng people with thei r close-ha rmony si ng I ng.

You need ha if a pi nt of ph leg m I n you r th roat

j ust to pronou nce the place na mes.

N ever ask for d I rections I n Wa les, Ba ld rick.

You ' ll be wash I ng spit out you r ha I r for a fortn ig ht.

So bei ng pri nce of it isn't considered a plus?

I fea r not, no.

But the crucia I th I ng

is that they m ust never be left a lone together before the ma rriage.

Well, isn't that a bit u nfa I r on her?

Well, it's not goi ng to be fa I r on h I m either,

the g I rl is wetter tha n a haddock's bath I ng costu me.

But, you know, Ba ld rick, the world isn't fa I r.

If it was, th I ngs li ke th is wou ld n't ha ppen, wou ld they?

(WHIS P ERI N G) All rig ht, so what's the pla n?

Sh I n u p the d ra I n a nd ask her if she' ll ta ke delivery

of a consig n ment of Germa n sa usage?

(WHIS P ERI N G) N o, si r.

As we rehea rsed, poetry fi rst,

-sa usage later. - Rig ht!

So, what do you th I n k?

Harold the Horny Hunter shou ld do the trick.

Just rem I nd me of it, si r.

(S H OUTS) " Ha rold the H orny H u nter Had a n enormous horn. .. "

(WHIS P ERI N G) Sh h ! It is a bsolutely excellent, si r.

H owever, m ig ht I suggest a n a lternative?

" Lovely little d u m pli ng, H ow I n love I a m.

" Let me be you r shepherd ki ns, You ca n be my la m b. "

Well, I th I n k we'll be very lucky

if she doesn't j ust come out onto the ba lcony

a nd vom it over us, but let's g ive it a go.

B LACKAD D ER: (WHIS P ERI N G) Just sta nd rig ht here, si r. All rig ht.

-Ca ll for her, roma ntica lly. -G EO RG E: Rig ht. (CLEARS TH ROAT)

(S H OUTI N G) Oi, come on out here, you rollicki ng, trollopi ng sa uce bottle!

AMY: George? G EO RG E: Woof! Woof!

Is that you?

(STAMMERS) Yes, 'tis I, you r gorgeous, little love bu nd le.

Oh, George, I th I n k you m ust be the sn ugg ly-wugg liest

la m bki n I n the whole of Toyla nd!

Yuck!

What was that?

U m, noth I ng, there was j ust a little fly I n my th roaty.

Yuck! Yuck!

Do you wa nt a ha n ky-wa n ky to gob the ph leg my-wem my-woo-woo I nto?

Phwoa r! Cri key!

What is that? Is there someone else down there with you?

(STAMMERS) N o, it was j ust the wi nd wh istli ng th roug h the trees

a nd ma ki ng a noise that sou nded li ke.. . (IMITATI N G WI N D)

Oh, joy! Then come, Pri nce Cudd ly Kitten. Cli m b u p my ivy!

-Sa usage ti me ! -There is someone down there with you!

Oh, my God, yes! Yes, so there is, a fi lthy I ntruder, spyi ng on ou r love.

Oh, h it h I m, George, h it h I m!

Very well! (WHIS P ERI N G) Wou ld you m I nd screa m I ng, You r H ig h ness?

-Ta ke that! -Oh!

-And that! - (EXCLAIMS I N PAI N )

-And that! - (AMY GAS PS)

Oh ! You're so brave!

And I' m so worn out with a ll the excitement.

I'd better go sleepy-bobos,

otherwise I'll be a ll cross I n the morn I ng.

N ig hty-n ig ht, Georgy- Porgy.

N ig hty-wig hty, Amy-Wa my.

I th I n k it worked, si r.

In the morn I ng, I sha ll go I n a nd ask her father.

You go out a nd sta rt spend I ng h is money.

I ca n't sta nd mea n ness when it comes to wedd I ng presents.

And well done, si r. You were bri llia nt.

-Was I? -Yes, si r.

But I' m I n agony.

Well, that's love for you.

Si r, I come as em issa ry of the Pri nce of Wa les,

with the most splend id news.

H e wa nts you r da ug hter, Amy, for h is wife.

Well, h is wife ca n't have her!

Qu ite a bsu rd to come here with such a suggestion.

(S H OUTS) Mi nd, si r, or I sha ll ta ke off me belt

a nd, by th u nder, me trousers' ll fa ll down!

N o, si r. Si r, you m isu ndersta nd.

H e wa nts to ma rry you r lovely da ug hter.

(GAS PS) Ca n it be possi bly true?

Su rely love has never crossed such bou nda ries of class.

Well, what a bout you a nd Mu m?

Well, yes, yes, I g ra nt thee that when I fi rst met her

I was the fa rmer's son

a nd she was j ust the lass who ate the d u ng,

but that was a n exception.

-And Au ntie Dot a nd U ncle Ted . -Yes, yes, a ll rig ht. H e was a pig poker

a nd she was the Duchess of Argyll, but...

And Au ntie Ruth a nd U ncle Isa ia h . She was a m I lkma id, a nd he was...

The pope ! Yes, yes, a ll rig ht! Don't a rg ue!

Suffice it to say, if you ma rry, we need never be poor or h u ng ry aga I n.

Si r, we accept.

Good. So, obviously you ' ll be wa nti ng a n enormous ceremony...

What d id you say?

Well, obviously, now we're ma rryi ng q ua lity,

we'll never be poor or h u ng ry aga I n.

Mea n I ng that you're poor a nd h u ng ry at the moment?

Oh, yes. We've been livi ng on la rd butties for five yea rs now.

I' m so poor, I use my u nderpa nts for d ryi ng d ishes.

-So, you're ski nt? -Aye.

-Well, I n that case, the wedd I ng's off. -Good day!

Oh, but what a bout George's lovey-wovey poems that won my hea rty-wea rty?

All writteny-witteny by me-wee, I' m afra idy-wa idy. Good bye.

(CRYI N G)

Si r, you know I told you to go out

a nd spend a lot of money on wedd I ng presents?

Well, a ppa rent...

Yes?

N oth I ng.

Crisis, Ba ld rick, crisis! N o ma rriage, no money, more bi lls!

For the fi rst ti me I n my life,

I've decided to follow a suggestion of you rs,

Sadd le Pri nce George's horse.

Oh, si r, you're not gon na become a h ig hwayma n, a re you?

N o, I' m a ud ition I ng for the pa rt of Arnold the Bat

I n Sherida n's new comedy.

Oh, that's a ll rig ht, then.

Ba ld rick, have you no idea what I rony is?

Yea h, it's li ke goldy a nd bronzy, on ly it's made of I ron.

N ever m I nd, never m I nd . Just sadd le the Pri nce's horse.

Well, I wou ld if I cou ld.

H e wra pped her rou nd that gas la m p I n the Stra nd last n ig ht.

Well, sadd le my horse, then.

What do you th I n k you've been eati ng for the last two months?

Well, go u p I nto the street, a nd h I re me a horse!

H I re a horse? For n I nepence? On Jewish N ew Yea r I n the ra I n?

A ba re fortn ig ht after the d readed horse plag ue of old London Town?

With the blacksm ith stri ke I n its 15th week,

a nd the Dorset H orse Fetish ists' Fa I r tomorrow?

Rig ht. Well, get th is on, then.

It looks as thoug h you cou ld do with the exercise.

H onestly, Pa pa, ever si nce Mother d ied,

you've tried to stop me g rowi ng u p.

I' m not a little g I rl. I' m a g rown woma n.

In fact, I'm ig ht as well tell you now, Pa pa.

I' m preg na nt, a nd I' m a n opi u m fiend,

a nd I' m I n love with a poet ca lled Shelley,

who's a fa mous whoopsy, a nd Mother d id n't d ie. I ki lled her!

Well, never m I nd!

- (GU NS H OT FI RES) - B LACKAD D ER: Sta nd a nd deliver!

Oh, no ! Oh, no, no, no, no ! Disaster!

It's the Shadow! We're doomed ! Doomed!

Ah, good even I ng, Du ke, a nd the lovely Miss Chea pside.

You r cash bags, please.

There we a re.

You ' ll never get away with th is, you scou nd rel.

You ' ll be ca ug ht a nd da m n well h u ng!

-I th I n k he looks pretty well.. . -Mada m, please!

N ot the jest a bout me looki ng pretty well-h u ng a lready.

-We have no ti me ! - Pity!

- N ow, si r, tu rn out you r pockets. - N ever, si r!

A ma n's pockets a re h is own private ki ngdom.

I'll protect them with my life!

I see, got someth I ng em ba rrassi ng I n there, have you?

Perha ps a pa rticu la rly repu lsive ha nd kerch ief, eh?

One of these fellows who has a big blow a nd then doesn't cha nge it for a week.

Let's look, sha ll we?

-Ah-ha ! - H ig hwayma n, I a lso have a jewel.

I fea r, however, that I have placed it here,

beneath my petticoats, for protection.

Well, I n that case, mada m, I th I n k I'll leave it.

I' m not su re I fa ncy the idea of a jewel that's been I n someone's pa nts.

A si ng le kiss of those soft li ps is a ll I req u I re.

N ever, si r! A ma n's soft li ps a re h is own private ki ngdom!

I sha ll defend them with my life.

I' m not ta lki ng to you, Gra ndad.

(MOANI N G)

Oh, I' m overcome. Ta ke me with you to live the life of the wi ld rog ue,

cudd li ng u nder haystacks a nd ma ki ng love I n the bra nches of ta ll trees.

Mada m, sad ly, I'm ust decli ne.

I fea r my horse wou ld colla pse with you on top of h I m, as well as me.

I cou ld try.

N o, Qu icksi lver, you cou ld n 't.

But that's not fa I r, then . I've had you on my back for ten m I les,

a nd I haven't even gotten a kiss out of it!

Oh, a ll rig ht. Very well, then!

Mua h!

-All fa I r now? - N ot rea lly, no.

(SCO FFS) N o pleasi ng some horses.

- H I ho, Qu icksi lver! - (N EIG HI N G)

Pa pa, you d id noth I ng to defend my honou r!

Oh, sh ut you r face, you preg na nt j u n kie fag-hag!

Well, Ba ld rick, a good n ig ht's work, I th I n k. It's ti me to d ivide the loot,

a nd I th I n k it's on ly fa I r that we shou ld sha re it eq ua lly.

Wh ich I su ppose is h ig hwayma n's ta lk

for you get the cash, I get the snotty ha n ky.

N o, no. We d id th is robbery together. So, you get ha if the cash.

Oh, tha n k you, Mr B!

Th is robbery, on the other ha nd, I' m doi ng a lone.

Ha nd it over, you r money or you r life!

So, you see, a ll fa I r a nd a bove boa rd.

Fa I r enoug h.

As long as I haven't been cheated, I don't m I nd.

MAN : Ha nds u p! I a m the Shadow, a nd I never m iss.

Oh, no!

You, the one that looks li ke a pig!

H e's ta lki ng to you, Ba ld rick.

Skedadd le!

- (GUN FI RES) - (BI RDS SQUAWKI N G)

So, who have we here?

Oh, a well set-u p fellow I ndeed.

Si r, a kiss!

Sorry, I' m not su re I hea rd that correctly.

Oh, dea r, maybe you r ea rs need u n blocki ng.

Oh, I see, a kiss! Oh, of cou rse, of cou rse, of cou rse.

And then perha ps a little lig ht su pper, some da nci ng.

Who knows where it m ig ht lead!

-Good Lord ! It's you ! - (I N MAN 'S VOICE) Of cou rse!

- But you r voice, it's.. . -Clever, isn't it?

Does you r father know you're out?

- H e had to go. -You mea n he's dead?

-Yes, dead as that sq u I rrel. -Wh ich sq u I rrel?

- (GUN FI RES) - (SQUI RREL SQU EALS AN D FALLS)

Oh, that sq u I rrel!

Of cou rse, you ki lled h I m for ru I n I ng you r cha nces of ma rryi ng Pri nce George.

(SCO FFS) I despise the Pri nce!

Don't you know it's you I wa nt?

I wa nt a rea I ma n, a ma n who ca n sew on a button,

a ma n who knows where the towels a re kept.

And, yes, I crave you r fa bu lous, si newy body.

Well, you're on ly h u ma n.

H ere's the pla n, Brown Eyes.

You rob the Pri nce of everyth I ng he's got,

rig ht down to the clothes he's sta nd I ng I n,

a nd I'll get my stash a nd meet you here,

a nd then we'll ru n away to the West Ind ies!

Well, I don't know. I'll have to th I n k a bout it.

I've thoug ht a bout it. It's a bri llia nt pla n.

See you here tomorrow!

- (GUN FI RES) - (SQUI RREL SQU EALS)

Rig ht, I' m off.

Oh, si r, but what a bout the da nger?

Look, the rewa rd's goi ng u p day by day.

Ha ! I la ug h I n the face of da nger.

I d rop ice cu bes down the vest of fea r.

Th I ngs cou ld n't be better, Ba ld rick.

She' ll get me a broad a nd ma ke me rich.

Then I'll proba bly d rop her a nd get 200 concu bi nes to sha re my bed.

Won't they be rather prickly?

Concu bi nes, Ba ld rick. N ot porcu pi nes.

I sti ll ca n't believe you ' re leavi ng me beh I nd.

Oh, don't you worry.

When we're esta blished on ou r pla ntation I n Ba rbados,

I'll send for you.

N o more sad little London for you, Ba ld us.

From now on, you wi ll sta nd out I n life as a n I nd ivid ua I!

-Wi ll I? -Well, of cou rse, you wi ll.

All the other slaves wi ll be black.

Oh, Blackadder! Oh, what's a ll th is I hea r a bout you

buyi ng a bath I ng costu me a nd 40 ga llons of cocon ut oi I?

-Are you goi ng a broad, then, si r? -Yes, I' m off.

Oh, si r! What a trag ic end to a ll my d rea ms!

(CRYI N G) And I'd a lways hoped that you 'd settle down a nd ma rry me

a nd that together, we m ig ht awa it that slither of ti ny Adders!

- (CRYI N G) -Mrs M,

if we were the last th ree h u ma ns on ea rth,

I'd be tryi ng to sta rt a fa m I ly with Ba ld rick.

(CRI ES OUT)

Well, here I a m, a ll packed a nd ready to go.

Da rli ng!

I' m so pleased to see you, a nd I've got a little su rprise for you.

-Close you r eyes a nd open you r mouth ! - (MOANI N G)

- Ha nd over the loot, goat bra I ns! - (LAUG HI N G)

Oh, I a lways sa id the bed rock of a good relationsh I p

is bei ng a ble to la ug h together.

Good, well done. So, wh ich way to Ba rbados?

You're not goi ng to Ba rbados.

Get away from that ca rt, Mr Sli mey, or I'll fi ll you so fu ll of lead

we ca n sha rpen you r head a nd ca ll you a penci I.

Th is is tu rn I ng I nto a rea lly rotten even I ng.

Yes, well, you better ma ke the most of it, beca use it's you r last.

And it's a pity,

beca use it's usua lly aga I nst my pri nci ples to shoot d u m b a n I ma ls.

Except sq u I rrels.

Yes! Basta rds!

(S H OUTI N G) I hate them, with thei r long ta I ls a nd stu pid twitchy noses!

- (GUN FI RI N G) - (ANIMALS SQU EALI N G)

I sha ll retu rn at m id n ig ht to collect the loot,

when I'll fi ll you so fu ll of holes,

I cou ld ma rket you as a new Eng lish cheese!

(LAUG HI N G MANIACAL I N MAN 'S VOICE)

Oh, God, what a way to d ie.

Shot by a tra nsvestite on a n u n rea listic g rassy knoll.

-Morn I ng, Mr B. - Ba ld. .. Ba ld rick? Ba ld rick!

Tha n k you for I ntrod uci ng me to a gen u I nely new experience.

What experience is that?

Bei ng pleased to see you!

N ow, what a re you doi ng here, you revolti ng a n I ma I?

I've come for the Shadow's a utog ra ph.

You know, I' m a g reat fa n of the Shadow's.

Yes, yes, j ust u ntie me, Ba ld rick, come on.

What? Has he gone? Oh, what a pity. I wa nted h I m to a utog ra ph my new poster.

- Look, h is rewa rd's gone u p to 10,000. -Good Lord!

- 10,000? -Yu p.

That g ives me a n idea. Ba ld rick!

Ta ke th is ca rt-load of loot back to the pa lace,

a nd meet me back here at m id n ig ht

with ten sold iers, a restless lynch mob a nd a sma ll, porta ble ga llows.

Ha, ha ! Brekkers! I cou ld eat 14 trays of it th is morn I ng,

a nd sti ll have room for a dolph I n on toast.

Any pa rticu la r reason for th is g luttonous levity, si r?

Well, what do you th I n k, Blackadder?

I' m I n love ! I' m I n love ! I' m I n love ! I' m I n love!

Oh, Amy, bless a ll ten of you r ti ny little pi n kies.

Oh, let's see what's I n the pa per.

Oh, my God ! She's been a rrested a nd ha nged!

Rea lly?

It tu rns out she was a h ig hwayma n!

(SCO FFS) These modern g I rls!

Appa rently someone ti pped off the a uthorities

a nd collected the 10,000 rewa rd ...

What a g reasy snea k!

Oh, if on ly I cou ld get my ha nds on h I m!

(SCO FFS) You ca n't trust a nyone these days, si r.

It says here that she had a n accom plice.

But they don't know who it was.

Oh, Amy! Amy! Amy!

I sha ll never forget you ! N ever ever! N ever ever!

Rig ht, what's for brea kfast?

- Kedgeree. -Great!

Actua lly, come to th I n k of it, Blackadder,

I d id n't need to get ma rried a nyway.

-I've got pots of money. - Rea lly?

Mm m. The most extraord I na ry th I ng ha ppened.

I was peckish d u ri ng the n ig ht,

so I n I pped downsta I rs to the biscu it ba rrel.

The biscu it ba rrel?

And do you know what I fou nd I nside?

Ten thousa nd pou nds that I never knew I had!

I've got so m uch money now, I don't know what to do with it!

- H ow a bout a ga me of ca rds, si r? - Excellent idea!