Original subtitles

(MAN SINGING) A legend is sung

Of when England was young

And knights were brave and bold

The good king had died

And no one could decide

Who was rightful heir to the throne

It seemed that the land would be torn by war

Or saved by a miracle alone

And that miracle appeared

In London town

The sword

In the stone

NARRATOR: And below the hilt, in letters of gold,

were written these words,

"Whoso pulleth out this sword of this stone and anvil

"is rightwise king born of England."

Though many tried for the sword with all their strength,

none could move the sword, nor stir it.

So, the miracle had not worked.

And England was still without a king.

And in time, the marvelous sword was forgotten.

This was a dark age,

without law and without order.

(WIND BLOWING)

Men lived in fear of one another,

for the strong preyed upon the weak.

(SQUEAKING)

(BIRD SHRIEKING)

A dark age, indeed!

Age of inconvenience.

(GRUNTING) No plumbing.

(STRAINING) No electricity.

No nothing.

Oh!

Oh, hang it all! (COUGHING)

Hang it all.

(MUTTERING)

(COUGHING)

Oh, now what? Now what?

Leave off, leave off!

Oh, you... You fiendish chain, you!

Everything complicated.

One big medieval mess.

(BUBBLING)

(SIGHS) Now, let me see, um...

He should be here in... Uh, I'd say half an hour.

Who? Who?

I'd like to know who.

I told you, Archimedes. I am not sure.

All I know is that someone will be coming.

Someone very important.

Oh, pin feathers.

Fate will direct him to me so that I in turn may guide him

to his rightful place in the world.

Huh. And you say he will arrive in half an hour?

Ha. Well, we'll just see.

And you will, Archimedes, you will.

Ow! (GRUNTS)

He'll be a boy.

A small boy.

Eleven, 12 years old,

and a scrawny little fellow.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, no, no, no. That can't be the one.

Surely not. Why, that big lad must be close on to 20.

Ah! (CHUCKLES)

There he is. The scrawny little fellow, about 12.

He's a regular little grasshopper.

(CHUCKLES) Look at him go.

And where, where would you guess he is at this very moment?

I am not guessing, Archimedes. I know where he is!

Uh... Less than a mile from here,

just beyond the forest.

And right on schedule.

If all goes well.

Quiet, Wart.

I'm trying to be.

And nobody asked you to come along in the first place.

- I'm not even moving. - Shut up.

A-ha.

Here we go. Oh, what a set-up.

Hmm. Right smack through the old gizzard.

Wha... Wait. Whoa!

KAY: Why, you clumsy little fool!

Oh, Kay, please, I'm sorry. I couldn't help it.

Please.

If I ever... (GRUNTS)

If I ever get my hands on you I'll wring your scrawny little neck,

so help me, I will.

I'll get the arrow, Kay. I'm sure I can find it.

(SCOFFS)

(CHUCKLES)

Don't tell me you're going in there.

- Why, it's swarming with wolves. - I'm not afraid.

KAY: Well, go ahead. It's your skin, not mine.

Go on, go on.

(GRUNTS)

There it is. Oh, there it is!

- (CRACKING) - Wha... Wait. Whoa!

(THUD)

(COUGHING)

Well.

So, you did drop in for tea, after all.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh. You are a bit late, you know.

- Oh, I am? - (BUBBLING)

Yes.

Now... (CLEARS THROAT) My name is Merlin.

(BUBBLING)

Come, come. Who are you, my lad?

Oh, my name's Arthur, but everyone calls me Wart.

Oh.

- Oh, what a perfect stuffed owl. - (STAMMERING)

Stuffed? I beg your pardon!

ARTHUR: He's alive, and he talks!

And certainly a great deal better than you do.

Oh, come, Archimedes.

Come, come, now. I want you to meet the Wart.

Now, you must forgive him. He's only a boy.

Boy? Boy.

I see no boy.

- I'm sorry that I... - That's all right.

- He's much too sensitive. - Sensitive? Huh?

- Who? What, what? - Oh! (CHUCKLES)

- How did you know that I was... - Oh, that you'd be dropping in?

Well, I happen to be a wizard.

A soothsayer, a prognosticator.

I have the power to see into the future.

Centuries into the future.

I've even been there, lad, and I've seen all these things.

They're only plans and small models, of course.

Now, this for instance is a steam locomotive.

(STEAM HISSING)

- (CHUGGING) - (MERLIN CHUCKLES)

There she goes.

Pretty good, eh?

That won't be invented for hundreds of years.

Oh. You mean you can see everything before it happens?

Yes, everything.

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Everything, Merlin?

Uh...

No, no, not everything.

I... I admit I didn't know whom to expect for tea.

But as you can see,

I figured the exact place.

You're very clever, sir.

Yes. Well, never mind the "sir".

Just plain Merlin will do. (CHUCKLES)

- Now, would you care for sugar? - Oh, yes, I would.

- Please. - All right.

Sugar? Sugar!

No. Manners, manners. Guests first. You know that!

All right. Just say when, lad.

When.

- Have you had any schooling? - Oh, yes.

I'm training to be a squire.

I'm learning the rules of combat and swordsmanship

and jousting and horsemanship.

Oh, yes, yes. Very good. That...

No, no, no! I... I mean a real education.

Mathematics, history, biology, natural science,

English, Latin, French.

No. When, when! Blast it all. When!

Impudent piece of crockery. (GRUMBLING)

Boy, now, you can't...

You can't grow up without a decent education, you know.

Oh, I suppose not, sir... Merlin.

So, I am going to be your tutor.

But I've got to get back to the castle.

- They'll want me in the kitchen. - Oh, well, then, very well.

We'll pack and be on our way. (CLEARS THROAT)

You... You watch now. You'll like this.

Higitus figitus zumbakazing.

I want your attention, everything.

We're packing to leave. Come on, let's go.

No, no, not you. Books are always first, you know.

(MERLIN SINGING) Hockety, pockety, wockety, wack

Abra abra dabra nack

Shrink in size, very small We've got to save enough room for all

Higitus, figitus, migitus, mum Prestidigitonium

(MUTTERING)

Alakafez, balakazez Malakamez meripides

Hockety, pockety, wockety...

Now, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Sugar bowl, you're getting rough.

That poor old tea set is cracked enough.

All right. Let's start again. Let's start...

Oh. Where was I, boy?

- Uh... Hockety, pockety? - Oh, yes. Yes, that's right.

Hockety, pockety, wockety, wack Odds and ends and bric a brac

I'll be with you in a minute, son. Packing's almost done.

You... You bungling blockhead!

Hey, easy there. No, go ahead.

Dun goo-dily doo-dily doo-dily dun. This is the best part.

Higitus, figitus, migitus, mum Prestidigitonium

Higitus, figitus, migitus, mum Prestidigitoni...

Ooh! Ha ha!

- What a way to pack. - (CHUCKLES)

Well... Now, just a minute, boy.

How else would you get all this stuff into one suitcase, I'd like to know.

- ARTHUR: But I think it's wonderful. - Oh. Yes, it is, rather.

Now, don't you get any foolish ideas that magic will solve all your problems.

Because it won't!

But sir, I don't have any problems.

Oh, everybody's got problems. The world is full of problems.

(GRUNTS) Oh, blast it all. There, now you see what I did?

(SHOUTS)

That's the trouble with the world today.

Everybody butting their heads against a brick wall.

All muscle and no mentality.

Do you want to be all muscle and no brain?

- I don't have any muscle. - You don't?

- Well, how do you move about? - I suppose I do have a little.

A-ha! There, you see? Well, that's enough.

Now, develop your brain. Knowledge, wisdom, there's the real power.

Higher learning, that's the thing.

(WHIMPERING)

First thing tomorrow morning we'll start a full schedule.

Eight hours a day.

We'll have six hours for school room and two for study period.

But I al...

But I don't have the time. I have page duties.

Page duties? Ha!

(WHIMPERING)

- (GURGLING) - (THUD)

We'll change all that. There's got to be a shake-up.

Well, yes, sir. I suppose so.

MERLIN: How do you expect to amount to anything without an education?

Even in these bungling, backward medieval times

you have got to know where you're going, don't you?

ARTHUR: Yes, sir.

MERLIN: Yes, of course.

You must plan for the future, boy. You've got to find a direction.

And you've got... (STAMMERING)

Now, by the by, what direction is this castle of yours?

I think it's north. The other way.

Oh.

(GRUMBLING)

All right. We'd better get a move on. Come on, lad. Pick up the pace.

(PANTING)

(WHEEZING)

(GASPS)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(THUD)

ECTOR: Oh, the devil take it.

The devil take it. Anyone's got better sense

than to go barging off in that infernal forest alone.

You had no business letting him go.

Look, Dad,

- I'm not the Wart's keeper. - ECTOR: Well, blast it all, I am!

After all, I took him in, adopted the lad, you might say.

Being his foster father, I'm responsible.

(BARKING)

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHING)

ECTOR: Tiger, Talbert, off with you.

Look here. What's the big idea of gallivanting off in the woods

- and worrying everybody? - I'm sorry, sir.

Well, sorry's not enough.

That's four demerits, four hours extra kitchen duty.

- Report to the cook. - But I'd like you to meet...

Go on, hop it, boy. Hop, hop, hop it.

You've got to keep a schedule to run a place like this.

You need strict rules, especially for small boys.

And I most certainly agree.

Who are you, and... Oh...

- I mean, you? - My name is Merlin.

And this is Archimedes, the highly-educated owl.

(CLEARS THROAT)

ECTOR: Educated owl? (LAUGHING)

Say, that's a good one.

Say, say, I know.

You've got him under a spell, Marvin.

- You're a magician. - The name is Merlin.

And I happen to be the world's most powerful wizard.

(LAUGHING) Come off it, man.

- Gadzooks. - All right. I shall demonstrate.

Higitus, figitus, migitus, mo,

wind and snow swirl and blow.

(SHIVERS)

What the devil are you up to?

That is what I call a "wizard blizzard."

Hey, Kay, would you look at this?

An indoor blizzard.

And in the month of July.

So what?

(STAMMERING) All right, Marvin, turn her off.

(SHIVERS) I'm convinced.

Alakazam.

I hope you don't go in for any of that black magic.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Never touch the stuff.

My magic is used mainly for educational purposes.

In fact, that is why I am here.

I have come to educate the Wart.

Oh, no, you don't.

I'm running this place.

If you think you're gonna fiddle with my schedule,

pack up your bag of tricks and be gone.

Well, by Jove. Hey, he's gone.

Good riddance.

MERLIN: I'm gone, but then I'm not gone.

(SNICKERS) So, if I do leave you can never be sure that I am gone.

- Can you? - Well...

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Well, I must say, you've got me there, Marvin.

Where are you? And you're welcome to stay, if you like.

Thank you. You're very kind.

Very generous, I must say.

Well, all we can offer is room and board.

Hard times, you know, Marvin.

We'll put you up in the northwest tower. That's the guest room.

It's drafty in the winter, but in this hot weather

it's the best room in the house.

Oh, yes. Very lovely, indeed.

So just make yourself at home, Marvin.

Marvin? Marvin, Marvin, Marvin.

(THUNDERCLAP)

Best room in the house!

Guest room. Unwelcome guest room!

If he thinks that he can get rid of me, I've got news for that old walrus.

I'm sticking it out!

And I say we go back to the woods.

No, not on your life.

That boy's got to have an education. He has a future.

Hmm. You may be right.

A skinny kid like that would make a cracking good chimney sweep.

(LAUGHING)

- (COUGHING) - (LAUGHS)

Something tells me that you're all wet, Archimedes.

(HORN BLOWING)

- (HORSE NEIGHING) - (HOOVES GALLOPING)

(BLOWING HORN)

- Who goes there? - MAN: Pellinore.

It's Pellinore, dash it all.

I've got big news from London. Big news.

Come on, man. Drop the bridge.

(CREAKING)

(CLATTERING)

(RUMBLING)

(HORSE NEIGHING)

Well... Big news, eh?

Well, can't wait for the London Times.

First edition won't be out for at least, uh... 12 hundred years.

Archimedes, would you mind sailing down there and...

Not interested.

Oh, come, come, come, come now. You're as wet as you can get.

No. No, no, no.

Archimedes, I'll turn you into a human.

- Hmm. You wouldn't dare. - I will. So help me, I will.

All right. All right. All right!

All right.

Works every time.

Just like magic.

(CREAKING)

Pellinore! (LAUGHING)

Pellinore. Greetings, old boy.

What's all the noise about London?

Big news, really big news.

Sit down, man, and let's hear all about it.

They're having a big tournament New Year's Day.

Oh, that's not news, dash it all.

- They always do. - But Ector, Ector,

here's where all the excitement comes in.

To the winner of this tournament goes the crown.

(GASPS)

(COUGHING)

You mean... You mean he'll be king of all England?

King of all England.

Kay, lad, did you hear that?

Pretty fair prize, I'd say.

Yes, and you could win it, boy, if you'd knuckle down to your training.

We'll have you knighted by Christmas, off to London. What do you say?

Sure. Why not? Why not?

Wart, lad, how'd you like to go to London?

Oh, Sir Ector, you mean it?

If you stick to your duties you can be Kay's squire.

Oh, I will, sir, I will.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I don't want the Wart for my squire.

Here's to London, and here's to Kay.

And here's to the banner of the castle of the Forest Sauvage!

- Cheers. - PELLINORE: Cheers, cheers.

(ROOSTER CROWS)

- Charge! - (HORSE NEIGHING)

Wait, boy. Lean into it.

Steady, boy, steady. Steady with the lance.

Do it, white knight! Hit him clean.

No. No, no!

(CRASH)

(RUMBLING)

ECTOR: Heads up!

(STAMMERING) Archimedes?

Archimedes, where are we?

In a tumbled-down old tower

in the most miserable old castle in all Christendom, that's where.

Uh, C... Castle? Castle?

Don't you even remember the boy?

Uh... The boy?

ECTOR: Can't you remember one blasted thing?

Oh, now, just a moment. I...

- ECTOR: Tight grip on the lance. - Oh.

Loose in the saddle, knees in tight,

weight forward and stay on target.

- (NEIGHING) - You keep losing your grip.

It's not a mere matter of muscle, son.

Jousting is a fine skill.

It... It's a highly developed science.

(CHUCKLES)

Science, indeed.

One dummy trying to knock off another dummy with a bit of a stick.

And the Wart's just as hot for it as the rest of them.

MERLIN: He certainly is. That boy's got real spark.

Lots of spirit.

Throws himself heart and soul into everything he does.

That's really worth something if it can be turned in the right direction.

Fat chance of that.

Oh, I plan to cheat, of course.

Use magic.

Every last trick in the trade if I have to.

I'd give anything to go riding about on a great white charger,

slaying dragons and griffins and man-eating giants.

- Well, won't you? - Oh, no.

You see, I'm an orphan and a knight must be of proper birth.

I only hope I'm worthy to be Kay's squire.

That's a big job too, you know.

Oh, indeed. Yes, yes.

I would say almost impossible.

Yes. Well, now then, when I said I could swim like a fish,

I really meant as a fish.

You mean you can turn yourself into a fish?

After all, I happen to be a wizard.

Could you turn me into a fish?

Do you have any imagination? Can you imagine yourself as a fish?

Oh, that's easy.

- I've done that lots of times. - Oh.

Well, good. Then I think that my magic can do the rest.

Uh... (STAMMERING)

Archimedes, what is that fish formula?

(YAWNING)

(STAMMERING)

Who? Who? What?

You know, that Latin business.

Fish? Latin? Oh, uh...

Aquarius, aquaticus, aqualitus.

And now, if you don't mind, I say good day to the both of you.

If you please.

When he stays out all night he's always grumpy the next morning.

- He must stay out every night. - Yes, yes.

Oh. Oh, yes. I say, that's very good, boy. (CHUCKLES)

Who? What, what?

All right, boy. All set. Here we go.

Aquarius, aquaticus, aqualitus quom.

Aquadigitarium.

(POOF)

ARTHUR: Merlin, am I a fish? Am I a fish?

Yes, yes, yes, you are a fish.

If you don't stop flipping and flopping around

and get in the water you won't last long.

(GRUNTS)

Now, stay right here in the tules and I'll be with you in a minute.

(MERLIN CHUCKLES)

So, you thought you could take right off like a shot, did you?

Well, I am a fish, aren't I?

MERLIN: You merely look like a fish.

That doesn't mean you can swim like one.

You don't have the instinct.

So, you'll have to use your brain for a change.

You are living between two planes now,

somewhere between the ceiling and the floor.

Now, there are lots of ups and downs, like a helicopter.

- Helicopter? - Yes.

It... It... No, never mind.

Every flick of a fin creates movement.

So, first we'll start with the caudal fin.

No, no, boy. Your tail, tail.

(GASPS)

Now, that gives you the forward thrust. Now, let's get a rhythm.

(SINGING) Right, left, right, left

One, two, left and right

By day and night

That's what makes the world go round

In and out Thin and stout

That's what makes the world go round

For every up there is a down

- For every square - There is a round?

Yes.

- For every high - There is a low?

And for every to

- There is a... - Fro.

- Fro? - Yes, fro.

To and fro, stop and go

That's what makes the world go round

In and out Thin and stout

Merlin? Merlin?

- I swallowed a bug. - Oh.

What's wrong with that? After all, boy, you are a fish.

Instincts, you know.

But you said I had no instinct.

Yes. Oh.

Oh, I did. That's neither here nor there.

The main thing is, you must...

Set your sights upon the heights

Don't be a mediocrity

- Mediocrity? - That's right.

Don't just wait and trust to fate

And say that's how it's meant to be

It's up to you how far you go

If you don't try you'll never know

And so, my lad, as I've explained

Nothing ventured, nothing gained

(MERLIN HUMMING TUNE)

(MERLIN GIGGLING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Let's... Let's swim through that tall grass again. It tickles.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh. Oh, I beg your pardon.

Me, too.

For every to there is a fro

For every stop there is a go

And that's what makes the world go round

Oh, let go, let go, let go.

You big bug-eyed bully, you.

Who, me?

Oh, here, here, here, here, here now, boy.

No sense going around insulting bullfrogs.

(CROAKS)

A fish has plenty of other problems without that.

The water world has its forests and its jungles, too.

So, it has its tigers and its wolves.

But that...

That's what makes the world go round

You see, my boy it's nature's way

Upon the weak the strong ones prey

In human life, it's also true

The strong will try to conquer you

That is what you must expect

Unless you use your intellect

Brains and brawn Weak and strong

- Merlin, help, help! - That's what makes the worl...

Jehoshaphat!

(SHOUTS)

- Quick, Merlin, the magic. - No, no, you're on your own, lad.

- Now's your chance to prove my point. - What point? (GASPS)

He's the brawn and you're the brain. Now, don't panic!

You use your head. Outsmart the big brute.

Smart move, lad. That's using the old intellect.

(SCREAMS)

Bravo, boy. Great strategy.

- Is the lesson about over? - Did you get the point?

Yes, yes, brain over brawn.

OK, lad, I'll fix the big brute.

Higgly piggly... No, no.

Hocus pocus... No! What the blazes...

- Hey didda dihicka... - Merlin!

Hmm? Now what?

Oh, is it that, that boy?

- What in blazes... - Help, help!

Help!

(SHOUTING) Ouch!

- (INHALING DEEPLY) - Help!

Hmm? Oh...

Archimedes!

Help!

(STRAINING)

(SHRIEKS)

(GURGLING)

(GURGLING) What... What in...

What in thunder is a monster like that doing in the moat?

By George, I...

I'll turn him into a minnow.

- Merlin. - Oh, there you are, boy.

Snick, snack, snorrel.

How in the world did you ever get out of that mess?

That big fish almost swallowed me,

and Archimedes, he, he saved me.

Well, by Jove.

Now, what do you know about that?

I... (COUGHING) I did nothing of the sort!

I intended to eat him.

Young perch is my favorite dish.

- You know that. - Oh... (CHUCKLES)

- Do you believe that, Wart? - Well, I...

ECTOR: Wart! Wart!

I've got to go. Thank you, Merlin.

It was so much fun. And Archimedes, I...

- Pin feathers, boy. - ECTOR: Wart!

- Where are you, Wart? - Coming! I'm coming.

Now, Archimedes,

why would you half drown yourself for a tidbit of fish?

And after such a big breakfast.

Pin feathers and gully fluff.

We were doing fine until we got in deep water.

Then along comes this huge pike with big jaws and sharp jagged teeth.

- Oh, turn him off, Dad. - He was a monster.

The biggest fish I ever saw.

And, boy, that's the biggest fish story I ever heard.

- But it's true, sir. - That's three demerits for being late

and three more for the fish story.

Now, hop it to the kitchen!

(CHUCKLES) I told you the Wart was loony.

ECTOR: He's either out of his head or there's something fishy going on here.

(SINGING) For every high there is a low

For every to there is a fro

To and fro Stop and go

That's what makes the world go round

- Oh, it's you, Merlin, sir. - Yes, my lad.

Now, have you ever considered being a squirrel?

- No, I don't suppose. - Well, now,

there is a tiny creature with enormous problems.

How he has survived throughout the ages

is one of nature's big mysteries.

His life is hazardous.

Downright dangerous.

Would you like to try it?

Oh, no, I'd better not.

Oh.

Too dangerous for you, eh?

Oh, no, it's not that.

It's just that I've got six demerits. All this work to do.

MERLIN: What a mess.

What a medieval muddle. We'll have to modernize it.

Start an assembly line system.

All right, now.

A one and a two and a three and a four.

(SINGING) Higitus, figitus, migitus, mum

Tittendy, bittendy, buttondy, dum

But I'm supposed to do it.

No one will know the difference, son

Who cares as long as the work gets done?

Rubbety, scrubbety, sweepity, flew

Come on, son, let's go, let's go.

MERLIN: Wart!

Wart!

Wart, take it easy. Take it easy, boy.

Wart! Oh, no, boy. No, no!

- Wart! - Wha... Wait. Whoa!

Now, what did I tell you? Always look before you leap.

Well, I made it, didn't I?

Yes, yes, you made it, you made it.

But you can't always trust to luck, boy.

Now, first you start with the short jumps.

Gauge the distance carefully and...

(SHOUTS)

There, you see? Even then you can miss.

So, don't take gravity too lightly or it'll catch up with you.

- What's gravity? - Gravity's what causes you to fall.

- Oh, like a stumble or a trip? - Yes, like a stumble or a...

No, no, no. It's the force that pulls you downward.

The phenomenon that any two material particles or bodies,

if free to move, will be accelerated toward each other.

(CHITTERING)

(SQUEAKING)

(CHITTERING)

Merlin, how will we get by?

Hmm? Oh.

Well, I suppose we better go back to a sidetrack.

(CHITTERING)

Go on, go on. You've got lots of room.

(CHITTERING)

Well, I guess she can't be sidetracked.

That's a girl squirrel and a redhead, at that.

(CHITTERING)

(GIGGLING)

(CHITTERING)

- She sure acts funny. - MERLIN: She likes you.

Why?

(CHITTERING)

Yes, well. Well, that's nature again.

But I'm afraid there's no time to explain.

Here now, you'd better leave me out of it.

- (CHITTERING) - (GRUNTS)

Yeah. Me, too.

Merlin.

- (MUFFLED) Merlin! - You're on your own, lad.

I'm afraid magic can't solve this problem.

Look, I'm not a boy... I mean...

I'm not a squirrel, I'm a boy.

A human boy, not a real sq...

Oh, leave me alone.

Merlin, what will I do? She won't leave me...

(CHITTERING)

Well, I'm afraid you're stuck, lad. When a girl squirrel chooses a mate,

it's for life.

But I won't be a squirrel tomorrow.

She doesn't know that. She only knows one simple fact,

that you're a him and she's a her.

(GIGGLES)

It's a natural phenomenon.

Phenomenon?

Well, it's the...

(CHITTERING)

(SINGING) It's a state of being, a frame of mind

It's a most befuddling thing

And to every being Of every kind

It is discomboomerating

You're wasting time resisting

You'll find the more you do

The more she'll keep insisting

Her "him" has got to be you

Now, leave me alone.

I mean it!

It's a rough game, anyone knows

Go away!

(MOANS)

There are no rules Anything goes

There's no logical explanation for this discomboomeration

It's a most bemuddling most befuddling thing

(GASPS)

Oof. Who? Who? What the...

Now, go on, shoo. Get a tree of your own.

Skedaddle.

(SQUAWKING)

(CHITTERING)

(SQUAWKING)

(MUTTERING)

Oh, you squirrelly squirrels!

Ha ha! She's gaining on you, Wart.

(CHITTERING)

There's no sensible explanation for this discomboomeration

It's a most hodgepodge-ical most illogical

Most confuse-ling, most bamboozling

Most bemuddling (STAMMERING) Most befuddling

Thing

(GIGGLING)

(STAMMERING)

Really, now, Miss...

Madam, I...

You, you've made a mistake.

Now, now, now, please.

Madam. Madam!

(GIGGLING)

(CHITTERING)

Look here.

I am not a boy. I mean, I am not a squirrel.

I'm a boy.

No, that's not what I meant.

(LAUGHING) No!

No, I'm a stupid old...

No!

I'm an old man.

An old hu... man.

Understand?

(CHITTERING)

Oh, hang it all. Now, go away.

Shoo, shoo.

(GIGGLING)

Impossible. Impossible.

Confound it.

Confound it all!

Merlin, I'm tired of being a squirrel. It's nothing but trouble.

You've got trouble? Look at my... Look back there!

(GIGGLING)

One side, lad.

(GIGGLING)

(SHOUTS)

Help, Merlin, help!

(GASPS)

(YELPS)

(CHITTERING)

(YELPS)

(YELPING)

(THUD)

(YELPS)

(CHITTERING)

By George!

MERLIN: I've had enough of this nonsense.

(GIGGLING)

Alakazam.

(SCREAMS)

There. You see? I'm an ugly, horrible, grouchy old man.

(BOTH MUTTERING)

(BARKING)

- ARTHUR: Merlin. - Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

- So, here we are. - Quick, Merlin, the magic.

Snick, snack, snorrel.

- (CHUCKLES) - (GASPS)

There. Now you see? I'm not a squirrel.

- I'm a boy. - (CHITTERS)

I tried to tell you. I'm a boy.

A human boy.

- (SNIFFLES) - Oh...

If you could only understand.

(WEEPING)

Ah... You know, lad, that love business is a powerful thing.

(SNIFFLES)

(MOANS)

Greater than gravity?

Well, yes, boy, in its way.

I'd... Yes, I'd say it's the greatest force on earth.

(SOBBING)

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

Ector! Ector!

Sir Ector, the kitchen!

Hold it, son.

- WOMAN: Madness all over the place. - Kay!

Hold that, I say.

(SHOUTS)

Now, what's all the commotion?

The kitchen, it's under an evil spell.

- Huh? - It's bewitched.

No! I bet it's that old goat, Marvin.

Come on, son. I knew he'd give us trouble.

Gadzooks!

Black magic of the worst kind!

Come on, Kay, to the attack!

(GROANS)

(SHOUTS)

Heaven preserve us!

Kay!

- Now, what have we here? - Jumpin' hop toads.

Alakazam!

(CRASHING)

So there you are, you old goat.

What's the idea of flinging your evil spells all over the place?

Oh, lend me a hand, boy.

Well, what have you got to say for yourself? Hmm?

You call washing dishes and sweeping floors a work of evil?

I'll decide what's right and wrong around here. (COUGHS)

Besides, that's the Wart's job, one of his duties.

Look here, boy.

If you want to make that trip to London, you'd better toe the mark.

You old goat!

If I ever catch you in my kitchen again, I'll...

Madam, you won't.

Oh, dear.

He's gone.

Well, by Jove.

We ought to run the old geezer right out of the castle.

Oh, no. No, no, Kay, no.

He might cast an evil spell on the lot of us.

Turn us all into stone. Shh.

No, there's no telling what the old devil might do.

He's not an old devil!

He... He's good and his magic is good, too.

- If... If you just leave him alone. - Now, look here, Wart.

- That's three more demerits. - Box his ears, Dad.

Just because you can't understand something, it doesn't mean it's wrong.

Ten more demerits!

You make all the rules and nobody else can say anything.

You've said a-plenty, boy.

All that popping off just cooked your goose. Kay!

From now on, young Hobbs is your squire.

Did you hear that, Wart?

Hobbs is going to be Kay's squire.

Y... Yes, sir.

That will teach you to pop off, you little pipsqueak.

Oh, I'm sorry, lad.

I'm sorry. I spoiled everything.

I know that trip to London means a great deal to you.

Oh, it's not your fault.

I shouldn't have popped off.

Now I'm really done for.

No, no, you're in a great spot, boy.

You can't go down now. It can only be up from here.

I'd like to know how.

Use your head.

An education, lad.

- What good will that do? - Get it first, then, who knows?

Are you willing to try?

(INHALES) Well, what have I got to lose?

That's the spirit. We'll start tomorrow.

We'll show 'em, won't we, boy?

We sure will.

MERLIN: Now, first of all, lad,

we've got to get all of these medieval ideas out of your head.

Clear the way for new ideas.

Knowledge of man's fabulous discoveries in the centuries ahead.

Now, that will be a great advantage.

Advantage, indeed!

If the boy says the world is round they'll take him for a lunatic.

- The world is round? - Yes, yes, that's right.

And it also goes around.

- You mean, it'll be round someday? - No, no, no. It's round now.

Man will discover this in centuries to come.

And he will also find

that the world is merely a tiny speck in the universe.

- Universe? - Ah. You're only confusing the boy.

He'll be so mixed up he'll... He'll be wearing his shoes on his head.

Man has always learned from the past.

After all, you can't learn history in reverse.

It's confusing enough, for heaven's sakes.

- All right. All right. - (COUGHING)

Have it your way, Archimedes. You're in charge.

You're the headmaster now.

So, from now on he's your pupil.

So, from now on, boy,

you do as I say.

- Yes, sir. - All right.

Now, to start off, I want you to read these books.

ARTHUR: All of them?

That, my boy, is a mountain of knowledge.

- But I can't read. - What, what? What!

- I don't suppose you know how to write? - No, sir.

- Well, what do you know? - Well, I...

Never mind, never mind. We'll start at the bottom. The ABC's.

First the A and now the B.

Loop and around and there's the C.

Merlin, look. I can write!

Oh, yes, yes. That's very good, boy.

Hen scratch, that's all. Hen scratch.

Now, come on. D, E, F.

And now the G.

You see, it's as simple as... No, no, no, no, boy!

Use your head, use your head, will you? How do you expect to learn anything?

MERLIN: Archimedes.

Have you seen that flying machine model?

I have nothing to do with your futuristic fiddle-faddle, you know that.

- What's that thing up there? - Hmm?

Oh, yes, of course. Here we are.

Do you mean man will fly in one of those someday?

If man were meant to fly, he'd have been born with wings.

I am about to prove otherwise, Archimedes, if you care to watch.

Here she goes!

No, no, no!

(CHUCKLES) Man will fly, all right.

Just like a rock.

(ARCHIMEDES LAUGHING)

It would have worked if... If it weren't for this infernal beard.

(LAUGHING)

I never...

Never in my whole...

Man will fly someday, I tell you.

I have been there. I have seen it.

Oh, I do hope so. I've always dreamed about flying.

That I was a bird and that I could go sailing all over the sky,

high above everything.

Avis alitus avita atheta. Prestidigitonium.

It's my favorite dream.

Oh, but then, I suppose everybody dreams about flying.

I'm a bird, I'm a bird, I'm a bird!

Hold it, boy. Not so fast, not so fast.

First, I'd better explain the mechanics of a bird's wing.

Now, these large feathers

are called the primaries, and...

And since when do you know all about birds' wings?

I have made an extensive study of birds in flight and I...

And if you don't mind, I happen to be a bird.

All right, Mr. Know-it-All! He's your pupil.

Ouch.

Now, boy, flying is not merely some crude mechanical process.

(CLEARING THROAT)

It is a delicate art, purely aesthetic,

poetry of motion.

And the best way to learn it is to do it.

Now, since we're pretty far up, we'll start with a glide.

Spread your wings way out. Way out!

That's it, that's it.

Now, fan your tail.

Tippety toe, tippety toe and off we go.

Now, tuck your feet under like me.

That's it. That's the idea.

Whoa. What? (SHOUTS)

And don't fight the air currents. Use them.

Why, say, boy!

That's pretty good.

Well, boy, you're a natural.

Are you sure this is the first time that you...

Wart, Wart, hawk, hawk!

Look out, boy, heads up! Come on, Wart!

Archimedes, help!

(HAWK SCREECHING)

ARCHIMEDES: Wart! Wart!

(PANTING)

(HAWK SCREECHING)

What? Oh!

(COUGHING)

Sounds like someone's sick.

How lovely.

I do hope it's serious.

Something dreadful.

Oh, bat gizzards.

It's nothing but a scrawny little sparrow with a beak full of soot.

Oh, I'm not really a sparrow. I'm a boy.

A boy?

Merlin changed me with his magic. He's the world's most powerful wizard.

Merlin! (CHUCKLES)

Merlin. The world's most powerful bungler.

Why, boy, I've got more magic in one little finger.

(CHUCKLES)

Now, don't tell me you've never heard of the marvelous Madam Mim?

Well, no, I don't guess so.

Madam Mim!

Good heavens.

Why, boy, I'm the greatest.

I'm truly marvelous.

(SINGING) With only a touch I have the power

Zim zabberim bim

To wither a flower

I find delight in the gruesome and grim

- Oh, that's terrible. - Thank you, my boy.

But that's nothing, nothing for me.

'Cause I'm the magnificent, marvelous mad Madam Mim

You know what? I can even change size.

I can be huge

Fill the whole house

I can be teeny small as a mouse

Black sorcery is my dish of tea

(CHUCKLES)

It comes easy to me

'Cause I'm the magnificent, marvelous mad Madam Mim

(LAUGHING)

Marvelous, boy. Marvelous, I'm marvelous.

Say, lad, did you know that I can make myself uglier yet?

That would be some trick.

- I mean... - Want to bet?

- Boo! - Oh!

You see? I win, I win!

Aren't I hideous, boy?

- Perfectly revolting? - Well, uh... Yes, ma'am.

But you ain't seen nothin' yet. Watch this.

I can be beautiful Lovely and fair

Silvery voice Long purple hair

La la la-la La la la la-la

La la-la la la La-la la-la la la

But it's only skin-deep Zim zabberim zim

I'm an ugly old creep

The magnificent, marvelous mad, mad, mad, mad Madam Mim

(LAUGHING)

Now what do you think, boy?

Who's the greatest?

(LAUGHING)

Well, Merlin's magic is always,

well, useful for something good.

And he must see something good in you.

Oh, I suppose so.

Yes, and in my book that's bad.

So, my boy, I'm afraid I'll have to destroy you.

De... Destroy me?

Yeah, I'll give you a sporting chance.

I'm mad about games, you know.

Well, come on. Get going, boy.

You gotta keep on your toes in this game.

(CACKLING)

I win, I win!

Oh, the game's over.

Ah!

Why, you little devil, you!

I'll wring your scrawny little neck.

Mim. Mim!

What... What are you up to?

Oh, Merlin.

Well, you're just in time. We were playing a little game.

She was going to destroy me.

And just what are you gonna do about it?

Want to fight? Want to have a wizards' duel?

As you wish, Madam.

Well, come on. Step outside.

After you, Madam.

What... What's up, boy? What's going on?

They're having a wizards' duel. What's that?

Oh, it's a battle of wits.

The players change themselves to different things

- and attempt to destroy one another. - De... Destroy?

Just watch, boy. You'll get the idea.

(MUFFLED) First, if you don't mind,

- I'll make the rules. - Rules, indeed.

She only wants rules so she can break them.

I'll take care of you later, featherbrain.

Rule one, no mineral or vegetable.

Only animal.

Rule two, no make-believe things like, pink dragons and stuff.

Rule three, no disappearing.

No. Rule four, no cheating.

All right, all right. Now, pace off 10.

One, two, three, four...

- Merlin, she disappeared. - Huh?

- Mim, now, you made the rules. - (CHUCKLING)

(CHUCKLING)

Ouch! Ooh!

(CACKLING)

ARTHUR: Change to something else, Merlin.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Give me time to think.

(CHUCKLING)

Higgity figgity... No, no.

Quick, Merlin, hurry!

Hoppity hip.

A-ha!

Madam, just a minute.

This is not...

(CACKLING)

- Come on, something bigger. - Something smaller.

Mim... Mim...

- (CRASH) - (MIM SHOUTS)

(MIM LAUGHING)

(LAUGHTER STOPS)

Merlin?

No disappearing.

(PANTING) Whew!

Oh! Oh, oh!

(CLUCKING)

Ouch!

(LAUGHING)

(SCREAMS)

Mim? Mim?

Are you... What's going on here?

You... You big blimp.

(SCREAMS)

(ROARING)

(CACKLING)

Squash me, will ya?

- (RATTLING) - Ah, ah, ah, ah, Merlin.

Ouch! Ooh!

Bravo.

Just you wait, just you wait. You're gonna pay.

(YELPS)

So, you want to play rough, do you?

(GASPING)

All right, Merlin.

I'll smash you good, you old crab.

Jehoshaphat.

(SHOUTS)

Here I come, Mim, ready or not.

(BLEATING)

Merlin, you wouldn't dare.

Merlin!

(SCREAMS)

Now, Mim, Mim, no dragons, remember?

Did I say no purple dragons? Did I?

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(SHOUTING)

(BLOWING)

I win, I win!

Oh, that horrible old witch. I'll peck her eyes out.

No, no.

(GASPS)

- He's gone. - Disappeared.

MERLIN: Madam, I have not disappeared.

I am very tiny.

I am a germ, a rare disease.

I'm called Malagalee Telopterosis.

And you caught me, Mim.

- What? - (LAUGHING)

First, you break out into spots.

Followed by hot and cold flashes.

(SHIVERING)

Then violent sneezing.

Ah... Ah... Ah... Ah...

Ah-choo!

Watch it, boy.

(SHOUTS) Oh! You, you, you...

You sneaky old scoundrel!

(CRYING)

MERLIN: It's not too serious, Madam. You should recover in a few weeks

and be as good... I mean, as bad, as ever.

But I would suggest plenty of rest

and lots and lots of sunshine.

I hate sunshine.

I hate horrible, wholesome sunshine!

I hate it, I hate it!

I hate, hate, hate...

You were really great, Merlin. But you could have been killed.

It was worth it, lad, if you learned something from it.

Knowledge and wisdom is the real power.

Right you are, Wart. So, stick to your schooling, boy.

Oh, don't worry. I will, sir. I will.

Oh, I really will.

(MEN SINGING) We will sing all night and all day

We will fight for the blue oak tree On a field of white

For the blue oak tree

On a field of white

(MEN LAUGHING)

Here's to victory in London for my son, Kay.

Sir Kay. I've been knighted, don't forget.

Oh, of course, son, of course.

Here's to Sir Kay.

And who knows? The future king of all England.

Watch it, will ya?

Kay the king?

What a dreadful thought.

Sir Ector, Sir Ector, Hobbs has come down with the mumps.

He's all puffed up like a toad.

Then Kay will need another squire, hang it all.

- Wart, you're it. - I'm what, sir?

Kay's squire. You're going to London.

Oh, Sir Ector! Wha... Wait. Whoa!

Merlin, Archimedes, Merlin!

Merlin, look! I'm a squire.

Ha!

Oh. Very nice, boy.

Yes, indeed.

A fine monkey suit for polishing boots.

It's what all squires wear.

And I thought you were going to amount to something.

I thought you had a few brains!

Great future. Ha!

A stooge for that big lunk, Kay.

Congratulations, boy!

What do you want me to be?

I'm nobody. You...

You don't know a thing about what's going on today.

I'm lucky to be Kay's squire.

Oh! Of all the idiotic... (STAMMERING) I...

Blow me to Bermuda!

- Where did he go? - To Bermuda, I suppose.

- Where's that? - Oh, an island way off somewhere

- that hasn't been discovered yet. - Will he ever come back?

Who knows? Who knows anything?

MAN: For the crown of all England,

let the tournament begin!

(WHINNYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Kay! Now, it's up to the swords.

Swords? Swords?

Oh, no!

- Kay. - What? What?

I... I forgot your sword.

Forgot my sword!

I... I left it back at the inn.

Why, you bungling little fool!

You'd better get it, or don't you dare come back!

Let me in, let me in!

Somebody, please! Please let me in!

It's no use, boy, they've all gone to the tournament.

Oh, what will I do? Kay's got to have a sword.

Look, boy. Look. There in the churchyard.

A sword. Oh, Archimedes. A sword!

ARCHIMEDES: You're gonna have a time pulling it out.

Watch it, boy.

Better leave it alone.

But Kay's got to have a sword.

Now, come on, quick. Let's get out of here.

You're up next, son. Better get ready.

ARTHUR: Kay, Kay, here's a sword.

- This is not my sword. - Hold on, Kay.

Wait a minute.

"Whoso pulleth out this sword..."

It's the sword in the stone.

The sword in the stone? It can't be.

But look, it is.

- It's the marvelous sword. - Hold everything.

Someone's pulled the sword from the stone!

Where did you get it, Wart?

I pulled it out of an anvil that was on a stone

in, in a churchyard.

(ALL LAUGHING)

The lad's a young Samson.

You're making a fool of us, boy.

- Now, tell the truth. - But I did, sir.

Then come on. Prove it. To the stone with you.

MAN: Yes, prove it.

MAN 2: Come on! Prove it!

All right, boy, let's have the miracle.

Now, wait a minute.

Anyone can pull it once it's been pulled.

Go to it, Kay. Give it all you've got.

- Put your back into it. - (MEN CLAMORING)

- Get out. - Push him aside.

- Hold on. That's not fair. - I say we let the boy try it.

That's what I say. Give the boy a chance.

Go ahead, son.

It's a miracle, ordained by heaven.

This boy is our king.

Well, by Jove.

- MAN: What's the lad's name? - Wart.

Oh, I mean, Arthur.

MAN: Hail, King Arthur!

ALL: Hail, King Arthur! Long live the King!

(LAUGHS) I can't believe it.

Oh, forgive me, son.

- Forgive me. - Oh, please don't, sir.

Kay, bow down to your king.

NARRATOR: So, at last, the miracle had come to pass

in that far-off time upon New Year's Day.

And the glorious reign of King Arthur was begun.

(SIGHS)

I can't be a king, Archimedes.

I don't know anything about ruling a country.

I told you to leave the thing in the stone, boy.

I'll run away, that's what I'll do.

- They'll have to get somebody else. - Better take the side door.

Out the side door.

CROWD: Hail, King Arthur! Long live the king!

There's another door over there. Over there, come on. Come on.

CROWD: Long live King Arthur!

Long live...

Looks like we're surrounded, boy.

Oh, Archimedes, I wish Merlin was here.

Merlin! Merlin!

Oh, Merlin, you're back from Ber... Ber...

Bermuda? Yes.

Back from Bermuda and the 20th century.

And believe me, you can have it.

One big modern mess.

Alakazam.

- I'm in an awful pickle. I'm king. - He pulled the sword from the stone.

Ha ha!

Of course, of course.

King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table.

- "Round Table"? - Would you rather have a square one?

Oh, no. Round will be fine.

(CHUCKLES)

Boy, boy, boy.

You'll become a great legend.

They'll be writing books about you for centuries to come.

Why, they might even make a motion picture about you.

- Motion picture? - Oh.

Well, that's something like television.

Without commercials.

(SINGING) Hail, King Arthur Long live the king