Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

( sirens wailing )

Okay, give me more pressure.

- Great, great guys. - Wonderful.

God, that man can handle a hose.

Yeah, well, they're just doing their job,

And I really think we should be doing ours.

Look what I found dropped outside the house.

- What? - What?

It's a dead match, Maggie. A dead match.

- What does that tell you? - It tells me somebody dropped a match.

So we have a dead match and we have a fire.

Do you see the connection?

All right, I'll give you a clue.

Two syllables, the first one is "arse."

What do you think the second one is?

- Brain? - Yes, exactly.

What we have here is a case of arse-brain- arson.

People drop matches all the time, Kevin.

Evening, officers. Nasty little fire.

Old lady dropped a chip pan full of burning fat.

God knows, we try to tell 'em.

"don't drop chip pans full of burning fat," we say.

It must be heartbreaking for guys like you

Who have to pick up the pieces.

You tell yourself, "it's a job.

Walk away, Gary. Walk away."

But saving lives is a heart and soul thing

And you can't just walk away from that.

Listen, I've been eating burning flames

And acrid smoke all day. You fancy a brew?

- No, thanks. - Oh yeah, that'd be lovely.

Yes, I see.

Your briefing for this evening's

Neighborhood watch meeting, sir.

You say you were involved in the recent armed robberies?

The brains of the outfit you say?

I see, and your name?

Al...

Capone.

Yes, thank you, mr. Capone.

Should you have any further information,

Could you ring dr. Veejay Narim

At Gasforth psychiatric hospital?

Thank you, goodbye.

God save us from these lunatics.

What lunatics are those then, Raymond?

Your officers?

( laughs )

I'm being pestered by a hoaxer.

One minute he claims to have killed Kennedy,

The next he's having morning coffee with Lord Lucan.

Oh well, pity the poor plod, eh?

Funny, isn't it?

Here we are, both coppers,

Except you deal with pretend criminals

And I deal with real ones.

As it happens, I'm about to crack

The biggest case of my career.

Oh really, Derek? Perhaps you'd like to illuminate me.

No can tell, Raymond. Top security.

Oh well, suit yourself.

Yeah, all right, I'll give you a clue.

But this is hush-hush, winky-winky and all that.

Two syllables - "terror" and "ism."

Sir, it's the bomber.

He's on the line and he wants to talk to you.

Ah, ah! Security, Kray. Need-to-know-basis.

- Use the code. - Sorry, sir.

Mr. Bang-bang is on the line.

Well, that should cover your trail.

I've routed the call through to special branch, sir.

Keep him on the line, we're gonna trace the call.

Hello. Quick, pen. Pen!

Right, I think he's giving me a code.

He's asking if I want garlic sauce.

Sorry, sir, I think I've given you the wrong phone.

I was just ordering a kebab.

Hello?

Hello?

Then the ambulance guy said the old lady was a goner.

But I soon brought her round with a bit of intensive mouth-to-mouth.

Lucky old lady.

- Oh god, I'm sounding really stupid. - Yes, you are.

So how about you then, Kevin? You ever saved anybody's life?

Yes, I have actually. Lots of people.

Oh, yeah, Kevin. How's that then?

There was this village and their water supply was poisoned.

I got lots of fresh stuff to them and saved hundreds of people.

Wow, Kevin...

Incredible. How did you manage that?

I don't really want to talk about it.

Oh come on, Kevin.

How did you do it?

I sat in a bath full of baked beans and made �50 for "comic relief."

Sergeant Dawkins-

Darling?

I fear I shall miss supper again tonight.

- I have a neighborhood watch meeting. - Yes, I know.

I'm going to make a stew. I'll leave some in the slow cooker.

Ah yes, absolutely.

Lovely, delicious.

What a splendid thought.

Or else I could just stop off at a take-away to save you that trouble.

No trouble. I've already diced the turnips.

Good, good,

So that's settled then. Warmed-up stew.

What a treat.

Much better than bringing home

Some dull old chicken tika masala

With rogan josh and fluffy naan bread,

And pilau rice, lots of crispy papadams,

Pickled chutney,

Cool, cool cucumber raita.

Huh! Thank goodness I won't be trying

To force that down my throat tonight.

No, I'm having lovely stew.

Yum.

- Unless it's too much trouble. - I've said it's no trouble.

But by all means get yourself a curry if that's what you want.

I've no desire to spend my evening scrubbing your root vegetables.

If you don't appreciate my cooking-

Appreciate it? I adore your cooking.

Why that lamb casserole you left in the pot for me last night

Was absolutely...

Fascinating.

It was chicken chasseur.

Yes, you see? You see? Your cuisine is so intriguing.

Raymond, I'm busy.

Yes, well - well, we both had a busy day.

Let me tell you, sergeant darling,

I'm looking forward to getting into bed tonight.

- Really, Raymond? - Dear me, yes.

A chapter of John Buchan and a chocolate hobnob

Look pretty good from where I'm standing.

So he says,

"god save us from these lunatics."

And I says,

"what lunatics are those then, Raymond?

Your officers?"

( laughing )

( laughing weakly )

Superb, sir. Don't tell me anymore,

Someone's got to use this seat next shift.

Ladies and gentlemen... ( clears throat )

Thank you all very much for coming.

Before we begin, I'd just like to set your minds at rest

About one or two popular misconceptions

About the neighborhood watch scheme.

Rest assured, this is not a busybody's charter.

The police are not encouraging people

To spy on their neighbors,

To view all strangers with suspicion,

Or to complain loudly about anything or anyone they don't like.

Okay, so I'm off.

Wow, Maggie... You look great, really great.

- What a babe. - Thanks.

Do you fancy a quick one?

No, I mean a drink - drink.

Well, thank you, mr. Biggs.

It was good of you-

It was good of you to call all the way from Brazil.

Nice boobs - shoes! Shoes!

God, I didn't say that, did I? Did I say boobs? Did I?

You haven't got nice boobs.

Well, I mean you have.

You have got nice-

Oh god, sorry.

Yes, I'll certainly remember you to chief superintendent Slipper.

More phantom criminals, Raymond?

How's the real police work going, constable Kray?

- Not bad, sir. It paid to ring around. - Oh, yes?

I got a woman here

Says if we buy family-size instead of standard,

We get a free drink with every pizza.

I'm talking about the investigation

- Into urban terrorism. - ( phone ringing )

- Gasforth police station. - I'll have you know, Grim,

That we in the uniformed division

Are also at the cutting edge of modern policing.

Oh dear...

Well, have you tried putting

A saucer of milk at the bottom of the tree?

Uh-huh. Well, how about shaking the branch?

I'm off now, sir, good night.

Oh, you look very splendid this evening, constable Habib.

- Meeting someone special? - Perhaps, sir.

I've met this fireman.

Ahhhh!

Are you ill, constable Goody?

Oh no, sorry, sir. Touch of wind, I think.

Well, I'm not surprised. You seem to exist entirely

On fizzy drinks and crisps.

I shudder to think of the state of your bowels.

Now get on with your work.

So a fireman, eh, constable?

Well, I applaud your choice.

A splendid body of public servants.

I never cease to be thrilled when I attend the scene of a fire

And amid all that fear and passion

Some giant of a man emerges from the heat

Carrying a helpless damsel in his arms,

Laying her down, planting his mouth upon hers,

And applying himself with rhythmic vigor

Until she moans and gasps

And then we know that all is well.

Of course, nothing like that's going to happen

On a pleasant evening out.

Well, we live in hope, don't we, sir?

Good night.

Constable Goody,

If I'd wanted a dead halibut for a colleague,

I would have become a fishmonger.

- Pat- - someone to see you, Maggie.

Oh! Hello, Gary.

Pat, this is Gary. His name's Gary.

Habib-

Oh...

Hope I wasn't late.

Had to rescue 16 children from a burning bedroom this afternoon.

Gosh, Gary - amazing.

Normally not a problem, but the stairwell was a furnace

And I had to lower the kids down the outside wall using my braces.

Gosh, Gary - amazing.

The funny thing was that afterwards,

While the terrified mother was thanking me brokenly,

My trousers fell down. ( laughs )

Both: Gosh Gary - amazing.

- Where's Kev? - I didn't mention it to him we were going out.

You know, two's company and he's a berk.

Hi, Kev.

Fancy a pint? Or 10?

- Well- - Habib: He doesn't want a drink.

Come on, Gary, we should be going.

Doesn't want a drink? Of course he wants a drink.

He's a copper, isn't he?

Oh, unless, of course, he's one of them whoopsies.

One of those "fruit flavored,

Water and a tub of cottage cheese" merchants.

Actually, I'm very, very busy.

Got a lot of important work to do here.

I'm at the very cutting edge of modern policing, mate,

And believe me, it's tough out on those mean streets, all right?

Constable Goody, your duty report

On this morning's tuck shop disturbances

At "all saints infants" is a disgrace.

There's an "h" in walnut whip,

And "crunchie" is spelled with an "ie," not a "y."

Sir, we've located mr.Bang-bang. We've traced his call.

I hope you got telecom to chase the right line.

I don't want to get special branch down to raid your kebab shop.

Special branch, eh, Derek?

Sounds exciting.

- Perhaps I can help. - I don't think so, Raymond.

Different disciplines, you see?

Me, detective. You, plod.

Quite frankly, covert operations

Are tricky enough without uniforms

Sticking their size-12 boots in and fannying about.

Sorry, mate, but you do understand, don't you?

Yes. I didn't really have time anyway.

Lots to do, lots to do.

Sir, I've got those doggy-doo details you asked for.

Pavement fouling is really getting out of hand, sir.

And personally, I think it's time we stamped on it.

Oh thanks, Gary, it's been lovely.

I think maybe I drank a bit too much.

Now were you trying to get me tiddly?

You don't have to try too hard

With a girl who drinks tequila from the bottle.

Yeah, sorry about that.

- Right, I'll be off. - Oh, are you not coming in for a coffee?

I've got a packet of condoms - I mean biscuits.

- Oh, dear. - I best be off.

I'll call round the station tomorrow, all right?

- Yeah. - Bye.

See ya.

( garbage cans clattering )

I was that rat-faced. I waved goodbye,

Went bum-up over the privet,

And flashed my frillies at the dirty-curtain twitcher in number 29.

Sounds like a big night.

Is there anything you woke up regretting?

Yeah, that I didn't shag him.

Do you always do it on a first date?

Well, of course not, obviously.

But he's so gorgeous, Pat, and really handsome.

Oh, he looks great in his helmet.

I'm surprised they can find one big enough to fit him.

Oh, you've got him all wrong, Pat. He's lovely.

I mean, all right, he's a bit full of himself.

But he's a decent bloke. I mean, last night,

I was offering it on a plate.

But I was drunk and he didn't take advantage.

I mean, how many blokes at the end of an evening

Would leave you alone like that? Not even try for a kiss?

Morning, everyone.

Everything's coming together, sir.

We've got a surveillance team in place

And special branch have taken their position.

Christ, I haven't been so excited

Since they introduced the american-style siren.

- Morning, morning. - Morning, sir.

Another day dawns in our ceaseless battle

With the forces of anarchy and chaos.

There's a helmet on my hook.

Somebody's put a helmet on my special hook.

Sorry, sir, wasn't thinking.

You're a police officer. You should be thinking all the time.

Supposing the forces of anarchy and chaos

Had turned up while you weren't thinking?

They'd have thought it was christmas, wouldn't they?

- Yes, I suppose so, sir. - You suppose right, sir.

A policeman's hat is not something to be hurled about willy-nilly.

It's his crowning glory.

On personal loan, I might add, from the queen.

Go on.

It must be cosseted and cared for,

The badge polished and the fabric brushed.

I take my hat very seriously,

Likewise my hat hook.

May I have a word with you and your men, Raymond?

By all means. I'm always keen to encourage

Interdepartmental communication.

Thank you very much.

This afternoon

Officers from this station,

C.I.D. Officers...

Led by detective inspector Grim,

i.e. Me,

Will deploy ourselves operationally

In a suspect-arrest scenario,

Vis-�-vis and � propos of

A terrorism containment action

In conjunction with operatives-

Operatives and personnel from special forces.

And for those english speakers amongst us?

Me and special branch are gonna nick a mad bomber.

Right, that is all. Kray, Crockett, follow me.

We can only hope their endeavors are crowned with success.

There was a time when I was destined for special branch, you know.

Oh yes, that was very much what my instructors at Hendon

Had in mind for me.

The drug war, counterterrorism, that sort of thing.

Ooh, what happened, inspector?

What happened, Goody?

A little thing called ordinary policing,

That's what happened.

A little thing called the day-to-day business

Of protecting the public and keeping her majesty's peace.

Not glamorous, I dare say,

Not sexy.

But what we do at this station every day

Is every bit as important as preventing a bomb attack.

We're all part of the thin blue line,

Isn't that right, inspector?

That's right, Goody.

The only difference being that your bit of the thin blue line

Is slightly thicker.

Well, Kray, this is it-

A terrorist containment operation.

Kray-

Robert,

If I don't come back, I want you to go to my wife

And see that she wants for nothing.

What, do you mean give her one?

No, I don't mean give her one.

Just tell her-

Just tell her I love her.

You sure, sir?

I ain't the most delicate of geezers, am I?

We're partners, Robert,

Like Starsky and Hutch or-

Or Peters and Lee.

Is there any last thing you want?

- I mean, if you- - I've got a couple of videos out, sir.

You could take 'em back for me.

( sighs )

Wonder how they're getting on with special branch.

Wish I was there.

Nevermind about special branch, laddie,

We've got a lot of important work here.

Interesting case here, sir.

Woman in Gallipoli close reckons the bloke opposite

Has trimmed his hedge into the shape of a bottom.

He says it's a peach.

- Yes, thank you, Gladstone- - sir, sir!

We can listen to Grim's terrorist raid on the radio.

- It's brilliant. - Grim: Go, go, go, go!

Turn that off, boy, it's none of our business.

We have plenty of work to do here,

Work that is every bit as important

As any performed by special branch.

Today's criminal, no matter how lowly,

Is sophisticated, high-tech and computer literate-

A cunning and complex foe.

( burps )

I have the right to a lawyer and a bucket.

Heavens. Quick, Goody, get the man something to be sick into,

Before he does it on my desk.

Oh, no!

- Sorry, sir, I'll try and clean it up. - Leave it, leave it!

At lunchtime you'll take that to be dry cleaned at your own expense.

- You, come with me. - ( groans )

Sergeant Dawkins,

Why was this inebriate allowed past the front desk?

'cause he's a sad, useless excuse for a man.

I thought you might get on.

Look, we've been through this.

I had a neighborhood watch meeting last night,

- I was extremely tired. - You're extremely tired every night.

Look, I'm sorry, but I am what I am.

I'm not a sex machine,

And I cannot be expected to make love willy-nilly every fortnight.

The operation was a complete success.

Ahhh!

Vis-�-vis and � propos of our objectives.

They're bringing the prisoner in now.

What's more, he's in the charge

Of a commander of special branch.

A commander of special branch?

- In our station? - Oh, yes.

And he's asking to speak to the uniformed officer commanding.

Well, we must find him immediately.

B-b-b-b-but that's me.

That's me.

I'm about to greet an extremely senior colleague.

- How do I look? Smart? - Very smart, sir.

Good. Don't want these Scotland Yard wallahs looking down on us.

- I must look my absolute best. - ( squishes )

Oh my god, my hat's full of sick.

Jam it down, sir. Jam it down.

If you don't take it off, you'll be fine.

Good afternoon, commander. I'm awfully sorry to keep you.

Inspector Fowler, I presume.

Commander Crow, special branch.

What's the matter? Don't you remove your hat

When addressing a senior officer?!

No, sir...

I am a Sikh.

I am forbidden to bare my head.

I see. Well, no disrespect intended.

Now, look here, your colleague inspector Grim here

Has pulled off a superb piece of work.

He has located a man he strongly suspects of being a terrorist,

And what we require from you, Fowler,

Is the use of your facilities.

I see. Well, that'll be a pleasure, sir.

It's second on the left,

And you're very welcome to use the liquid soap

Marked "Fowler's, keep off."

Not those facilities you bonehead, the cells.

Of course, I understand.

- Let me show you, sir. - Your prisoner, detective inspector Grim.

Thank you, sir.

Oh yes, Fowler-

There is one thing you can do.

- Sir. - Get your uniform dry cleaned,

It smells like a drunk's thrown up in your hat.

So, fancy a drink after work then?

Sorry, Kevin, I'm going out with Gary.

He doesn't like you for yourself, you know.

- He's only interested in one thing. - You're wrong there.

He's a nice bloke. He's even nice about you, as it happens.

He says we should take you out with us.

I said forget it. I'm not having you hanging about

Like the last turkey in the shop.

Please, don't bother to knock.

Sometimes formalities have to take second place

To the urgent business of counterterrorism, Fowler.

I should count myself lucky you didn't come in through the window.

Grim, you don't smoke.

Oh yes I do, sometimes. I smoke sometimes, certainly.

Right - MI6 will be arriving shortly

To interrogate the prisoner.

I'm leaving you in charge till I get back.

I'm going into town to buy a leather jacket.

Sir - excuse me.

The lady from the latimer estate

Neighborhood watch scheme to see you.

Dear, oh dear, Raymond, I don't know how you stand the pace,

You should slow down. ( coughs )

You'll do yourself a mischief.

You asked us to report anything unusual going on,

And I think gangs of coppers with guns

Running all over Mr. Dibley's petunias is unusual.

And of course you're absolutely right, Mrs. Rabbit.

However, I can assure you that special branch

Had very good reasons indeed for making the arrest.

I know all about what mr. Dibley's been up to.

- You do? - Oh yes. He told me.

He's always going on about the crimes he's done,

Always boasting about them.

Of course, we all thought it was lies.

I was amazed when all those coppers turned up.

You poor bloody fool.

You don't know what you've caught here, do you? Name a crime.

You're arrested on suspicion of planning terrorism.

That was just kids stuff. Name another.

The great train robbery?

Oh, you're smarter than what I thought, copper.

Yeah, that was one of mine. Go on, give us another one.

The assassination of president Kennedy?

Me again. Pow. ( laughs )

Thank you, mr. Dibley, that'll be all.

No, I got a lot more to talk about yet.

Do you know that second world war?

I started that!

All I can say, Fowler, is you have saved me

From complete and utter ridicule.

If you had not uncovered the fact that our terrorist

Was one of these insane hoaxes,

I could well have ended up looking like a beautifully uniformed turd.

Yes, I can imagine

The director of public prosecutions

Picking one or two holes in the confessions of a man

Who claims to have decapitated Charles I.

As for you, Grim,

You are a disgrace to the service

And I hope I never set eyes on your fatuous features ever again.

Does that mean that perhaps you won't

Be recommending me to join special branch, sir?

That is the first correct deduction you have made

Since joining the force.

Congratulations.

I hope you kept the receipt for the jacket.

Frankly, Maggie, after what you told me

About last night's performance

I'd be surprised if he turns up at all.

Hi, babe. Sorry I'm late.

Tough day. Had to save some nuns from a burning convent.

Gosh, Gary, you're so amazing.

I told those nuns, "don't play with candles

'cause I won't always be there to put out the fire."

You know, Kev, that uniform really suits you.

Yes, well, anyway, so Gary-

- Where're you gonna take me? - I thought Kev might know a decent boozer.

You know, a real "ladsy" place.

How about it, mate, can I buy you a pint?

- Well- - he's not thirsty!

Maggie, that's the terrorist!

That's right, so nobody move.

I'm armed and I'm dangerous.

And I'm gonna take a hostage.

- Who's it gonna be? - Take me.

No, Maggie, you're too beautiful to die, take me.

No, Kev, you're too beautiful to die. Take me.

What is going on here?

Watch out, Raymond, it's the terrorist. He's armed.

I appreciate your concern, Patricia,

But this man is no more a terrorist

Than I am Joanna Lumley.

He is, in fact, a looney.

Now get out.

And if I ever catch you lying to the police again,

It'll be wormwood scrubs for you.

Prison can't hold the birdman.

Go away.

I think you might've told me you were gay.

You must've known I liked you.

Exactly. I thought we were friends.

But it turns out you're only after one thing.

And you aren't interested physically in girls at all?

Not interested? Not capable.

Not even if I put it in a splint.

So you fancy Kevin,

Kevin fancies me,

And I fancy you.

I'll go and get the dominoes, shall I?

( theme music playing )