All language subtitles for zombeavers.720p.BluRay.x264.YIFY

So four months later,
she's pregnant again,

you know, so we're going back
down to the clinic, she's crying,

"Do you love me?" and all that type
of stuff, I told her I did but...

You think that means
I'm going to hell?

Nah.

You know I dated a guy once.

- Could I hear all about it?
- I mean, there's not a lot to tell,

it's like one of the easiest weeks
of my life other than the sex.

That was brutal.
You know, it's not the dick,

it's the whiskers, man,
just creeps you out.

Yeah, we just agreed on everything.

"Want to get some beers?" "Yeah."

"Want to watch the game?"
"Absolutely."

We have beers and we watch the game.

I hear a lot of myself in this story.

There's none of you in the story,
man, it was a one-time thing.

Yeah.

My friend told me I can't
shit in his house anymore.

- Oh, isn't that the worst?
- You believe that?

Yeah, they get all mad 'cause
you blew out their bathroom.

It's a place to shit.

It's the... That's what
the room is built for.

You're supposed to go
in there and take a shit

and then when you do it,
they act like they're surprised.

Like you took a dump on
their table or something.

Yeah. I did take a dump on his table.

Hey, man, you see that deer up there?

Yeah, I see it.

I don't think you do.

Okay, I admit it.
I didn't see the deer.

I see him now.

Hey, check the back.

Your back's fine.

I'm gonna check the front.

He's not gonna make it.

They carry disease.

All right, here we go. Up and over.

- Gotta shit.
- Dammit.

Just a second.

Whoa.

Sorry. The ladies' room was occupied.

Would you mind moving?

Well, why don't you...

I don't mind doing
anything you ask me to do.

What took you so long?

Um, they were out of toilet paper.
Had to use my hands.

I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit.

And on the slitted sheet I sit.

I slit a sheet, a sheet I
slit and on this shitted...

- Dammit.
- You suck.

I know.

Hey, biatch, what did I say?

Right. No texting.

Sorry.

You know, that's totally rude, Jenn.

No textin' and no boys
for the entire weekend.

Wow. That sounds so awesome.

Shut up, Zoe.

Maybe this is a bad idea.

I don't want you guys to have a
lame weekend just 'cause of me.

Well, great, let's re-invite the guys.
Isn't that right, Gosling?

He says, "Yes, that's right."

That's not real supportive, Zoe.
I mean, if Buck cheated on you,

I wouldn't be making a joke
about it every five minutes.

First of all, like,
Buck would never cheat on me.

And second, I'm only kidding,
Jenn, so relax.

This weekend is about Y-O-U.

Yeah, we know that's asking
you to give up a lot.

Nah, only about six inches.

That is so gross.

Yeah. Next subject, please.

Mary, does your cousin's
shack have electricity?

Why? Do you need a place
to plug in your vibrator?

How dare you?

Turn that music off, Mary.

You seriously like this?

You seriously don't?

Don't listen.

I can't believe I'm friends with
people who have no taste in music.

Here we are.

This is so beautiful.

Do your cousins, like, throw their
trash in the middle of the lake?

Why would you even ask that?

'Cause, there's a big piece of wood

just floating in the middle of it.

That's a raft, you idiot.

It's anchored there
so people can use it.

Come on, let's go.
We're almost there.

The suspense is killin' me.

Are we stoppin' here for more gas?

My legs!

My butt hurts.

Yeah, thanks to your boyfriend.

Very funny.

That's disgusting.

I'm first.

I seriously need a drink.

Okay.

Go kill some squirrels, buddy.

Kill 'em good.

What do you think?

Are we really gonna swim in that bog?

First off, it's a lake.

And yes, we're really
gonna swim in it.

I haven't swam in a
lake in my whole life.

- Have you swam in a pool?
- Yeah.

Well, I think you're gonna find out
it's really not all that different.

Of course it's different.
This is nature.

She's right.

You're gonna wind up with a
lot more bugs in your mouth.

Oh, you guys, that neighbor
lady is comin' over

- so be nice.
- Oh, my God...

Mary, is that you?

Mrs. Gregorson.

It's so nice to see you.

Oh, my goodness, you have blossomed.

Not really.

Her tits are still small.

Thanks, Zoe.

Myrna, these are my sorority sisters,
this is Jenn and Zoe.

Oh, right, well, it's a pleasure.

- Hello.
- 'Sup, biatch?

Are you looking after the house
while your cousins are away?

Oh, no. We're just up
here for the weekend.

Oh, right. Unwinding in
between all the exams.

Well, we were supposed to
have torrid, getaway sex

but Jenn's guy cheated on her, so...

Oh, I see.

She is kiddin', Mrs. Gregorson.

I am kidding.
None of us have had sex.

Ever.

Yeah.

Oh, it's okay, Mary.

My daughter is a total
fuckin' bitch too.

A real whore.

Sometimes she brings people home,

I don't even know what sex they are.

And I'm not saying anything
negative about them,

I'm a very, very liberal woman,

but my daughter is a real piece
of work and not that attractive.

Well, if you girls need anything,
you know where to find us.

Winston and I would love to
have you over for breakfast.

Yeah, that, that sounds nice.

Maybe we'll take you up on that.

No pressure, of course.

Okay.

Here we are.

Home sweet home.

Whoo!

It smells in here.

What's that smell in here?

It smells like wood.

Where's the bathroom?

Straight down the hall.

Where's the other bathroom?

There's only one bathroom.

I'm just gonna go right here.

You seriously can't wait
two minutes for Jenn?

Shh. It's coming out.

Come on.

What?

One bathroom. Fun, right?

Be my guest.

Let me guess. No service.

- What?
- Oh, Jenn, you are a horrible liar.

Okay. I texted him back.

Why are girls so attracted
to such assholes?

You're not. Tommy's great.

You are not supposed
to be talking to Sam.

That is the whole purpose
of this entire trip.

Well, it's not like I have
much of a choice now, is it?

Exactly.

How am I gonna check my messages?

I have not gone more than
24 hours without Instagram

since, like, there was no Instagram.

And I'm copin'.

If Zoe can do it, you can do it.

There's no fuckin' service.

You knew about this, didn't you?

You said no boys, not no phones.

I did say no phones.

But you didn't say it would
be physically impossible

to use it behind your back.

What is the big deal, you guys?

People went thousands of
years without cell phones,

you can go two days.

Speak for yourself.

What if there's, like,
an emergency or somethin'?

There's, like, a land line.

A what?

You guys, you're not gonna miss
your phones. I promise you.

Now can we just get changed?

I don't wanna get changed.

I wanna send a text!

No, no, Gosling, stay here.

Sunglasses, check. Towels, check.

Sunscreen, check.

Whoo! All right, let's get naked.

What are you doing?

Someone could see you.

Who? Mrs. Gregorson?

I see, like, two houses here.

If I'm getting anything out of being
stuck in the middle of nowhere,

it's a tan without lines.

Come on in, bitches.

Well, I guess we can be grateful
she left the bottoms on.

I bet Mrs. Gregorson swims topless.

It's so nice out.

Okay, do mine now.

Oh, I'm so comfortable.

Can't Mary do it?

You used me.

Stop.

I'll do it.

This is nice.

What is that?

Looks like a beaver dam.

I want to see a beaver.
They're so adorable.

Yeah, well don't get your hopes up.

I'm pretty sure they're nocturnal.

Where'd you learn that? Wikipedia?

I learned it from livin' in Indiana,

which means that you
should know it too.

Well, all I know is they're fat
rats with big, stupid-ass teeth.

Nice.

Where are you goin'?

Come on, let's go take a look.

Whoo!

Make it rain, bitches!

Whoo!

Here, beaver, beaver, beaver.

Gross.

Try banging on it,
that should wake 'em up.

At least cover up, at least
while we're walkin' around.

My top is on the other side.

You wanna lend me yours?

Cut it out.

Ew. Is that like, green beaver urine?

Guess.

Kinda looks like it.

Maybe that's like how they mark
their territory or somethin'.

By pissin' all over their house?

They don't live in
the dam, you idiot.

They live in the lodge.

Over there.

Here, beaver, beaver, beaver.

Yeah, nice try.
That one's covered in piss too.

Fine. You win.

Beavers piss all over everything.

Are you happy?

I don't see any beavers.

- Oh, my God!
- What?

- I'm scared.
- It's gonna be okay.

We're just gonna back up real slowly.

Thank you so much.

Well, look at you
three little heifers.

I think you just might
have saved our lives.

That's doubtful.

Bears don't usually attack more
than one or two folks at a time.

You'd be three.

Of course, if you'd have
taken a step in his direction

he might have hightailed it.

Well, better safe than sorry then.

Yeah.

You girls from out of town?

My name is Mary. Mary Daughtry.

We're stayin' over
there at my cousin's place.

- McKellers?
- Yeah. You know 'em?

No.

My name's Smyth, with a Y.

Just in case you girls need
to write me a check one day.

What brings you across the lake?

We were looking for beavers.

Well, hell, ain't we all?

Well, if you see one,
you ought to stay away from it.

They will mess with you.

You look real close,
they'll come out,

peak out just a little
bitty knob out there,

little pink knob,
like a little ol' puppy's dick.

Well, I guess we'll
be more careful then.

You know...

You might want to cover up.

We got decent folk out
in this neighborhood.

Families. You know, kids.

Yeah, we know.

It's just that she lost
her bikini top in the lake.

Talking about all three of you.

Your little bare stomachs,
weird-ass little tattoos.

Okay, he's a creeper.

Yeah. There's probably some
helpless furry little animal

just waiting to get shot.

Well, I've had enough
excitement for one day.

At least you got to see a man, right?

I don't like them there
tattoos and shit.

Shut up, he could hear you.

I don't care.

All right, I got popcorn.

Sing a song...

Is it popcorn or is it popped-corn?

I don't know. Jenn, go long!

Zoe, you're wasting it all.

Okay, whose turn is it?

All right, Jenn.
Would you rather? Go.

Okay. Would you rather

never be able to use a tampon

or never be able to use lipstick?

That is so lame, Jenn.

I've got one.

Are you ready?

Would you rather watch your mom
get murdered by your daddy

or get raped by your daddy
while your mom had to watch?

Zoe, that's awful.

Would you rather?

Answer it.

I guess

get raped by my dad.

- Ew!
- Gross!

What? Would you rather
have your mom die?

I wouldn't do either.

That's so fucking disgusting.

You're sick.

What's the point of
this game anyways?

I don't blame you,
your dad's real hot.

He is.

All right. Home run me. Home run me.

- Ready?
- Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Da, da, da, da, dah!

- You missed.
- I did it by the air, bitch.

I'll do it myself.

Whoo!

I got it. Truth or dare.

Y'all can make out
like you did last time.

No, that's no fun unless there's
guys around to make jealous.

That's bullshit.

You liked it and you know it.

Come here, come give me a kiss.

Stop. I didn't even say dare.

What was that?

It's your daddy, Jenn.

Yeah, he's come to collect.

Oh, real funny.

No, seriously, what the fuck is that?

Well,

I'm just gonna have
to go and find out.

Don't open the door.

Hello?

Anybody?

Hey, serial killers,
we've got three hot babes in here

who haven't had sex
in a really long time.

- It could be dangerous out there.
- Ooh!

Zoe, I'm serious.

You know what, Mary?
You're a real buzzkill.

Don't go out there!

Why are there no streetlights?

Because there are no streets.

I hate the country.

Zoe.

What the hell is that?

Should we call the
police or something?

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

It's okay, it's okay.
It was just the wind.

It's locked.

Mary...

It's okay. Just...

Ha, ha!

Tommy! You asshole!

Oh, come on.

It's nice to see you too.

But that wasn't funny.

How did you even get up here?

I'm sorry, babe.
Buck talked me into it.

Yeah, I had to drag his
ass all the way up here

and the whole time he's like,

"Wait, no, wait, Mary said that
we're not supposed to come.

"Mary said that it's
just girl's night.

"Mary wants to just be with
her vagina all weekend."

Shut up, Buck.

Oh, my God, you guys should
have seen y'all's faces.

It was classic.

You were in on this?

Not if it'll make you any madder.

Would any of you ladies
care to come inside

and join me,
'cause there's no beer out here.

This is my cousin's house, you idiot.

How did you even get in there?

Magic. No, bedroom window was open.

Hi, Jenn.

What part of "stay away" do
you guys not understand?

The "stay away" part.
I just don't get it.

You're not invited up here.

Despite whatever this
one may have told you.

Hey, come on, come on.

We parked the car down the
road so you wouldn't hear us.

Besides, we missed you guys.

Mary, I haven't had sex in 36 hours.

You know, when your foot's asleep?

My dick's asleep.

I've got to wake it up.

I have to wake that dick up.

- Wake that dick up. Baby.
- I will.

- I can't even feel it.
- Mary, please.

Mary, please, my dick's asleep.

Wasn't this weekend for everybody?

Yeah, it was until
you fucked it all up.

No, I'm sorry.
You guys have to leave.

But, Mary, they just drove
all the way out here.

This is my house and
I make the rules.

It's fine, Mary. They can stay.

Jenn! Thank you, Jenn!

Give it up for Jenn everybody.

Right?

Jenn, do not let them
bully you into this.

No, really, maybe it will
force me to, you know,

face it head on instead
of running away.

You sure?

Oh, my, goddammit,
she's sure. Come on.

Come on, we're all adults here.

This doesn't have to be awkward.

Gentlemen, I'll see
you in the bone zone.

Let's get drunk.

Whoo!

- Ow!
- Right.

Well, at least this can't
get any more awkward.

Oh, I feel like a power ranger!

Oh! Oh, shit, you are sweet!

You are way too hot for me!

Oh, baby! You know it!

This was helpful.

Thanks for stopping by.

Baby.

Don't call me that.

You've lost your baby privileges.

But it's not as bad as you think.

You've no idea what I think.

Can we at least talk about it?

Fine. Want to talk about it?

Who is she?
Do I know this little whore?

What is that? Seaweed?

It's you, you asshole.

A friend of a friend
tagged you on Facebook

from Michelles party last weekend.

Who is she?

I know it looks bad. I do.

I know. But I was really drunk.

You know what, if you're not
gonna answer my questions

then we have nothing
else to talk about.

Just, come on...

Don't touch me.

You feel better?

Getting there.

Let me go. I'll scream.

Join the club.

I missed you so much.

Oh.

Missed you too.

That was worth the
drive up. For sure.

- Again.
- I'm only one man.

It takes an hour to recharge.

Do you not read magazines?

Oh. Oh.

Can you hand me my glasses?

Yeah.

You okay?

Yeah, why?

I don't know. You just
seem a little out of it.

Did you finish?

I guess I'm just worried
about Jenn, that's all.

So, that's a no.

Someone in there?

Buck, I swear to God,

I'm gonna stick that bat up your...

Oh, my God, you have to see them!

- You guys...
- What?

In the bathroom!

- Calm down. What's wrong?
- There's something in there.

Tell me what's wrong!

There's something,
I don't know, like...

Who the fuck is crying
on vacation day?

- What's goin' on?
- What did you do to her?

No, I didn't do anything.

Listen, there's a
beaver in the bathroom.

That's really great news, haven't you been
looking for beavers since we got here?

No, no, there was
something wrong with it.

It was fucking rabid or something.

Well, you know what we should do?

We should capture it and
we'll raise it as our own.

Jenn, you are a really ugly crier.

Go look in the fucking bathroom!

Jenn, I tell you what.
This is getting real ridiculous.

Let's go to the fucking bathroom.

Okay, big daddy Buck's got it.

Here, Jenn, here, Jenn.

Oh, there is no way I'm
drunk enough for this.

You're drunk as any one of the
rest of us, so fucking man up.

Yeah, just man up.

Just be careful.

Pussy. Bein' a pussy.

Jesus. Dude, really? Fuckin' pussy.

- Shut up.
- Bein' a bitch.

Bein' a little bitch about it.

Jenn, there's nothing in here.

I swear. It was right there.

Oh, my God, Jenn.

Is that one of those bathrooms?

Oh, look at me, I'm in a scary,
scary bathroom, Jenn.

Jenn, be honest.
Did you shit in here?

Oh, my God!

Kill it!

How the hell is that
thing still movin'?

That's gnarly.

Someone want to get a garbage bag?

That was rabies?

Yeah, probably.

Then again I've never seen a
real beaver before up close so...

Yeah, me neither.

Well, maybe you should try going
down on me once in a while, Buck.

That was not a normal beaver.

I can tell you that much.

Yeah. Normal beavers have pupils
in their goddam eyes, don't they?

Fucking chicks, come on.

The beaver obviously had something.

Wait, I mean, did it bite anyone?

- Jenn, are you...
- No.

Good. 'Cause I've heard that
rabies shots hurt like a bitch.

Yeah, not to mention the nearest
hospital is 30 miles away.

Maybe we should just go home.

- What?
- Yeah, no. Jenn,

we drove four hours to get here.

My foot's still asleep
from the ride up.

I don't care about your foot, Buck.

You know, we're all just
upset and drunk and...

And horny.

And 6'3", but that's just me.

- Buck, shut the fuck up.
- Okay, you're right.

I think that we should
just sleep on it.

Okay, well,
I'm sleeping with you then.

Yeah, sure, Jenn. Whatever you want.

Guys, we could die tomorrow, okay.

This could be our last night.

This may sound crazy but
we need to have an orgy,

I'm not fucking around.
A safety orgy,

you know, stay together, like in
the old west with the caravans.

Okay, here we go.

Don't let the dog look.

Relax. I'm not going to...

Oh, my God, Mary. Look.

Yuck.

Some wild animal came and took it.

See the footprints.

Come on.

- I don't like this.
- What?

Jenn, come on, we're all the way
out in the middle of the woods.

We tossed something on the porch

and something's glad that we did it.

What are you thinkin'?

All I know is that thing
is dead, guys, come on.

Can we please go swimming now?

Yeah, I second that. Let's go.

You still want to go in the water
after what happened last night?

Last night was in there, okay?

The water's way safer
than in the cabin.

Yeah, come on. It's a beautiful day
and the lake's right over here.

We haven't seen you ladies
in your bikinis yet.

Come on.

You know, we were doing just
fine before you guys showed up.

Jenn, that's not fair.

Yeah. Tommy did kill
that beaver for us.

Yeah. Sorry Sam didn't kill anything

because that would be the only
beaver he's getting this weekend.

Will you please stop
with the beaver jokes?

Why did the beaver cross the road?

Whoo! Attagirl!

Come in, Misery!

Get your ass in the water and join
the rest of the human beings!

Has it ever occurred to any of you
that there might be more beavers?

Has it ever occurred to...

Beavers... Beavers...

So, you seen the mysterious photo?

Of course I've seen it.

I've seen it over 300
times since Wednesday.

She has me analyzin'
every line and ever pixel,

trying to figure out who
it is you're on top of.

Well, I guess it's safe
to say that she,

she doesn't know that it was you.

Are you gonna tell her?

I don't know.

Well, you know, if you just
tell her it was nothing,

she's gonna believe you.

Maybe.

But she'll hate me.

Tell that to my finger.

Are you crazy?

Don't be stupid, Jenn.
Get your ass in the water right now.

Yeah. Come on. Yeah,
peer pressure, Jenn. Come on.

Fine.

You know with all the shit that's
gone down, we haven't talked.

Like you said, it was nothin'.

Besides, I'm with Tommy.

And if you're really lucky,
you'll still be with Jenn.

You happy?

This is the happiest
day of my life, Jenn.

You're in the lake. I don't know
how it happened, but it did.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

Something just swam past my foot.

You are, like, such a hypochondriac.

No, I swear to God, you guys,
something just fucking hit my foot.

Oh!

Oh, look, Buck feels it too.

Wait.

- You swallow some water?
- My foot!

Holy shit!

Oh, my God!

Get out of the water!

Oh, my God!

- What the fuck?
- Is that blood?

Get to the raft!
Get to the fucking raft!

Hurry!

Oh, fuck, he got me too!

No.

Fuck!

That was another fuckin' beaver!

More than one.

Beavers don't do this.

They don't just... They don't
just attack people like this.

Oh, my God.

We have to tie this off right now.

- What about this?
- No, no, no, too small, too small.

Wait.

The dog's vest.

- Yeah, yeah, perfect, perfect.
- Hurry!

Look!

Where's Jenn?

Jenn!

Shit.

Hold on, hold on, hold on!

They're coming.

Shit.

Where did they go?

Shit!

They're underneath us!

No!

Be careful!

Hold on people.

We cannot stay here.

Yeah, no shit!

Hold on, hold on.

There's too many of them.

Oh, my God!

We have to swim for it.

We need a diversion.

What the fuck!

All right. You know what?

Sorry buddy. Surf's up!

Gosling!

Gosling!

No!

No!

We have to go, go now!

Go, go.

Shit! Swim!

Go, go! Swim!

Oh, my God!

This doesn't make any goddamn sense.

This is the same one
from the bathroom.

Is he like on steroids or something?

Mary, does it look like
a baseball player?

I don't know, Zoe.

I mean, how could it still be alive?

It isn't.

What?

It isn't alive.

Are you saying what
I think you're saying?

All right, enough talk.

What are you doing?

- This.
- Oh, Jesus.

Any questions?

There's still no dial tone.

What? Did the beavers do it?

For all we know, the dial tone
wasn't even on to begin with.

You okay?

Now, look, I am sorry, about the dog.

About the dog?

It's my dog.

You killed my dog.

It's between us and a... and a dog,
I'm going to pick us every time.

If that makes me an asshole,
then so be it, man.

It does.

Asshole!

Oh, give me a break. It's a dog.

Fuck you! I hate you. I hate...

Get off of me, Mary!

- Stop.
- You stop!

You would take his side.

I'm not taking anyone's side.

Oh, yeah? Tell that to Jenn.

Mary, what is she talking about?

That's right, Jenn.

The girl in the stupid
picture with Sam,

it's fucking Mary.

Thanks, Zoe.

She has a right to know.
Everybody else does for fuck's sake!

I didn't know.

Tommy.

Jenn,

I was going to tell you.

It doesn't matter.

We have bigger problems now.

It's them, isn't it?

Oh, you think? They're everywhere.

Make it stop.

It has to be some sort of
intimidation tactic or something.

Well, it's working.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Son of a bitch!

Is this what you want?

You fucks!

They're just out there
waiting for us.

We've got to get Buck to a hospital.

What about the neighbor's place?

Yeah, we could use their phone.

Oh, fuck that.

I'll go for the car.

Fuck that too.

You stay here with the girls then.

I'll get Buck to a hospital
and send back help.

Give me Buck's foot.

I'm going with you.

No, Zoe, you can't.

I have to.

Ew.

They could be out there.

They are out there, but like
you said, we don't have a choice.

Buck is clearly not going to
make it through the night.

There's got to be some other way.

Look. Beavers are great swimmers

but they're not that
fast on land, okay?

Those things out there

they're not beavers.

I'm going to need your car 'cause
ours is down the road a ways.

Give me the keys.

Tommy, you don't have to do this.

Mary.

It's okay.

Give me the keys.

Tommy?

Come on.

Come on baby.

Get the door.

I don't see anything. You?

My eyes are closed.

All right, let's go. Come on.

Wait.

Hurry, hurry!

Get the door.

Hurry, you better get in!

Better hurry.

They're in.

Come on, come on.

It's a fucking hybrid.
You have to finesse it.

They made it.

Maybe we should've
just gone with them.

Yeah, maybe.

Maybe we should just leave.

Oh, no.

Will somebody help me?

God, you really are a pussy. Move!

We've got to board up
all of these windows.

I'll do the heavy lifting.

You girls are safe with me.

Did you hear something?

Did I hear what?

Banging? Hollering?

Oh, it's just those kids scissoring
each other to Lady Gaga.

Well, I know it's those kids.

Well, what do you want me
to do about it? Call the police?

Well, I heard tires screeching.

You think we ought to go over
there and check up on them?

You never did know when
to mind your own business.

And you never did know
when to get up off your ass.

You really want me to go over there

and check on a bunch
of college girls?

Because you know I might just
have to stay for their party.

Eww. Pig.

Buck?

How you doing there, man?

You hanging with us?

Oh, God.

It's okay, buddy. Hey, hey, hey!

Stay with us, stay with us, Buck.

Everything's gonna be good, alright?

Oh!

Shit.

- What the fuck?
- Fuck!

- Oh, no! Oh, fuck!
- They did this!

Fuck!

Suck a bag of dicks!

Shit. Fuck!

There's no way around this.

Look!

Oh, shit. Shit, wait here,
I'm gonna go check it out.

Be careful!

Hello?

There's no one here.

What are you doing?

There's guns and one ax.

Are you gonna steal them?

Yeah, whatever, we'll borrow 'em.

I promise, I'll bring 'em right back.

Here.

What the hell am I
supposed to do with this?

- Just take it. Please.
- Should we go back to the cabin?

- No, just you guys.
- What? Wait!

Go get some more guns,
load up the trunk

and get everybody back to the cabin.

Please, get in the car
and turn it around.

Wait. What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna go ahead on
foot and get some help.

You're insane, Tommy.

Zoe, please just get
in the car and hurry.

Zoe?

I'm sorry I never ate your pussy.

I'm gonna go back and
eat all of it one day.

It's okay, baby. We're gonna
get out of here, okay?

It just smells so bad down there.

Tommy? Tommy!

No!

No!

You!

Looks like you're hemmed in
a little bit. Let's take my truck.

We have to save my boyfriend.

Well, come on. Let's get
him and get out of here.

Come on, sweetie!

Here, get in.

Damn beavers.

I thought I told you to cover up?

They sound like babies.

Yeah, crazy fucking babies.

Nails, nails, nails, nails, nails.

Towards me.

No, duh.

Come out to the lake,
have a few laughs.

Dammit.

No!

What? What happened?

You do realize that the
whole point of a beaver

is that it fucking chomps wood.

Oh, well, if you want me
to cover the whole house

with sheet metal, just say the word.

This just in. If you are
receiving this broadcast,

barricade your doors and windows
and do not leave your home.

Unless you want the
deal of the century!

Come on down to Ashland Toyota!

Damn radio.

Back in the '70s,
the beaver fever hit.

Scared up the whole damn county.

Beaver fever?

Caused by the Giardia parasite.

Beavers carry it.

Affects people too.

Affects them how?

Oh, diarrhea mostly.

What does it have to do
with what's going on here?

Any of you guys got diarrhea?

- No.
- Well, now that's good.

Doesn't matter anyway.

Whatever these beavers got out here,

I ain't seen nothing like it before.

Yeah, no kidding, mister.

Caught one in a trap,
early this morning,

only it weren't dead.

And trust me, it shoulda
been real dead.

They're leaving.

Why?

How the hell should I know?

Wait, listen.

It's a truck.

- It's Zoe!
- What?

And Buck!

How did they get back so fast?

Maybe they brought help?

Or something went wrong.

There's someone else.
Wait, is it that hunter guy?

What hunter guy?

Do you see Tommy?

Grab the cane.
Wait for me, wait for me!

Shit, we need to get the
boards off the door.

Are you sure that's a good idea?

Are you kidding?
Get over here and help us.

I don't know if you know but those
things can come back in here

and then we're all dead.

Fuck me.

Baby, come on.

Get there.

Open up!

The doors all boarded up.

- Why?
- You know why the fuck why!

Well, hurry up.

You guys. Hey, you guys.

Hey you guys,
you'd better turn around!

Filthy, hairy beavers.

Baby, come on.
Get up, get up, get up!

Run. Run!

Hurry! Come on, baby.

Sons of bitches.

It's okay, baby. Come on.

Just a little bit further. Come on.

They're not gonna make it.
There's too many of 'em.

Come on baby, up, up, up! You got it!

They made it.

Come on, baby.

Tommy's okay, right?

Yeah. I'm sure he's
still out getting help.

Right. Cause there's no
reason to think otherwise.

Hello?

Maybe they're not home.

Yeah, that'd be wishful thinking.

They couldn't be biting through the
phone lines on purpose, could they?

Can't say for certain.
Beavers like to chew on shit,

especially twigs, branches,

blades of grass and such.

I suppose wires fit the bill as well.

The phone in the cabin.

It didn't work either.

Stay here. I'll check upstairs.

When was the last time you
picked up an actual book?

In class.

You should really try it some time.

- "Beavers are herbivores."
- Great book.

Why don't you try looking
up zombie beavers?

"They live in family
groups or colonies

and will defend their lodge
against other beavers."

Oh, oh, you think the beavers think
that they're, that we're other beavers?

The fuck?

"Keen senses of hearing,
smell and touch.

- "They live up to 24 years."
- Just like us.

I mean, if we don't
make it out of here.

- "They're monogamous."
- Not like us.

Jenn,

it was just,

it was just one of those things.

So you're saying it was a mistake?

Don't answer.

You just did.

Look...

Once the three of us are
far away from this cabin,

we can sit down like adults

and we can try to figure out why
you both find me attractive.

Jenn, you have every
reason to hate me.

Why him?

I don't know.

Listen,

we cannot turn against
each other right now.

That is exactly what the
beavers would want.

Let me see this.

"Animal behaviorists have found beavers
to be gentle, reasoning creatures

"that like to play practical jokes.

"They are considered to be
excellent at building tunnels."

I seriously need to lie down.

Okay.

All clear upstairs.

Appears the beavers have left
the premises for the time being.

What about the old lady?

Well, she's still in bed
what's left of her, anyway.

What you got there?

Sandwich?

No, it's Buck's foot.

We're keeping it on ice
so we could reattach it.

That's what we're supposed
to do, right? Keep it on ice?

Well, not directly on ice.
It kills the tissue.

Well, shit! Well, what shall I do?
Shall I wrap it in a towel or something?

Well, I suppose that depends
on when it came off.

I... I don't know. This afternoon,
maybe four or five hours ago.

Technically, I guess there's a chance
that they can sew that sucker back on.

We'd have to be at the hospital within
the hour but that ain't gonna happen.

Might as well just chuck the
damn thing and call it a day.

I'm sorry. Do you want some chicken?

There's plenty of it in
the fridge over there.

I don't want any chicken.
We need to go to the hospital now.

Well, you know as well as I do

that road's blocked. We sure as
hell can't get through on foot

in pitch dark.

With or without
carrying the big fella.

Plus, beavers are generally
more active at night.

So I suggest maybe we hole
up here till the morning,

then one or two of us
can make a go at it.

He could bleed to death overnight.

Yeah, well. I could always
cauterize the stump.

You sure you don't want some chicken?

I'm not hungry.

Jenn?

You never cared that
Sam cheated, did you?

You only cared that it was me.

Jenn, I know that we've
been through a lot but this

isn't going to solve anything.

I love you, really, but

I... I just don't think
of you this way.

Come on. Come on, let's go.

You've done this before, right?

No, ma'am.

But I've seen it on
television many a time.

It's okay.

All right. What the fuck was that?

Buck!

Son of a bitch!

Buck! No!

Fuck.

No!

Oh, no! Fuck!

- What is she doing in there?
- I don't know.

Its got to be some kind of virus
transmitted by the beavers.

Oh, no shit!

Did you hear her?
Did you fucking see her face?

Do you think that we can help her?

I mean, do you think it's permanent?

I don't know. She's gonna be on
medication for the rest of her life.

- Hey, what are you doing?
- Are you bit? Are you scratched?

- I'm fine.
- Take off your shirt.

- Why?
- Just take your fucking shirt off.

Calm down.

You fucking bitch!

Fuck!

All right.

Come on, come on, come on!

They're fucking everywhere!

Oh, the truck!

The truck. It was still
running, last time I checked.

I'm not gonna make a run for it.

- Mary.
- Take off your shirt.

- Why?
- Take off your fucking shirt!

Satisfied?

Now take off the rest.

Zombie beavers running around
but what the fuck do we care?

Turn around.

- You done?
- I guess so.

Your turn.

What's this?

Mary, I promise I'm gonna
get us out of here.

Don't talk.

- I want to take my glasses off.
- No, no. It's hot, it's hot.

- Do you smell something?
- What?

- Smoke, smoke, I smell smoke.
- Okay. I'll take care of it.

Oh, God!

Oh. Fuck me.

Get in!

- Where's Jenn?
- They're all dead. Just go!

We're getting the fuck out of here.

Oh, shit, Zoe!

Get down!

Zoe, look out!

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Oh, I think we woke the neighbors.

- Go! Go!
- I'm trying.

Go! Go! Go!

Fucking go!

I mean, really?

Is this truck fucking
covered in honey?

I never liked that bitch anyway.

Why are we stopping?

It's okay, Mary.

The trees are down ahead and
we've got to continue on foot.

Come on.

What?

It's nothing. Just keep going.

We're gonna have
to go behind the car.

We have to go around it.

Come on. You're okay now, Mary.
We're gonna make it.

It's gonna be okay.

We just need to go a little further.

Mary, what are you doing?

Where did you get that?

The glove compartment.

You got bit and we both know that you're
gonna turn into one of those things.

- No, we don't know that.
- Yes, we do!

Mary, I feel totally fine, I swear.

What, is it this?

I jumped through a fucking window!

I ran through the woods.
They crushed my foot, I did not get bit!

You shut up! Do not come
any closer! I mean it.

You at least have
to wait until I turn,

or else you'll be a murderer.

Mary! Mary, no!

Hey, you see that girl?

Yeah, I see her.

I trust you.

- B-mark.
- Okay.

Beaver fever?

Yeah.

Caused by the Giardia parasite.
Beavers carry it.

Caused by the...

Fuck.

Cause by the Giardia parasite.

It's very fucking serious shit.

Let's roll it again. Sorry, Jordan.

We're over there and it's
Saving Private, Privates Ryan.

Jenn we're up there sucking...

- And fucking.
- And fucking, fucking, okay?

And...

We almost had it.

- We're in there sucking and yes...
- And fucking.

- Trucking. Keep going.
- I got nothing.

We're gonna go to Arby's and
get some apple turnovers.

Copy that. Over.

I got a hand job at
an Arby's one time.

Oh, yeah?

Or did I give one?

Oh, no, the hand.

Action.

That's gnarly.

Gnar-ley.

Gnarl-ley.

Gnarly.

Mar-gully!

Nar-gully?

The dog's supposed
to be scared of them.

I had a job for a minute as
one of those sign spinners.

Like, like one of those
sandwich places?

Yeah. But I had plugged it in,
I put some Christmas lights in it,

tried to get paid extra,
strangled my penis.

Strangled your penis?
How does that happen?

You can strangle your penis.

Were you doing that
flip behind your back

and it came up around your taint?

My penis was in a,
was in a rear, naked choke.

Well, what kind of workman's
comp do you get for that?

You just get fired.

Can someone pull my glasses down?

- Yep.
- Well, not you.

- Okay.
- Do you like the moan?

Or do you like the...

- Both.
- I'll do the moan, you do the...

My mom never loved me,
my mom never loved me.

Why are you with me?
Why are you with me?

What do you see in me? I don't know.

That's great.

Ready, action.

Well, that is fucked up.

Cut.

Zombeavers

Zombeavers

You hear your sweetheart scream

She tells you why

You don't believe her

She saw one in the
bathroom, it's no lie

It's a Zombeaver

Contaminated by toxic goo

A random genetic mistake

They're semi-aquatic

They're hungry for you

Boys and girls stay
away from the lake

Zombeavers

Zombeavers

Zombeavers

Zombeavers

A cheerful gang of college students

Think they're on vacation

Instead they're dodging beaver
chompers and facing their damnation

Don't board up the doorways
and windows, my friend

It won't do any good

These furry, brown bastards
are fully equipped

And they'll chew right
through the wood

Say goodbye to your golden retriever

Zombeavers

Zombeavers

So brace yourself, you've never
witnessed rodents quite like these

Oh, Jesus Christ, you can't escape

They blocked the road with trees

Check your bodies for scratches,
you can't be too careful

Their claws are a cause for concern

Yes, once you're infected, it's only a
matter of time before you turn into

Zombeavers

Spoiler alert.

Zombeavers

Look out they're coming
through the walls

Your girlfriend's
chewing off your balls

Zombeavers

Zombeavers

Zombeavers

Zombeavers, baby