Original subtitles

[static]

Governor's lettin' out a bunch of non-violent inmates

because of the Coronavirus, and you dumbasses are two of them.

-I thought you weren't a criminal. -I'm not.

But you don't spend 26 years in prison without learning a few things.

[Gloria] That's a Claude van Woodson.

It's probably worth half a million dollars if we can get our hands on it.

Half a...

-I found your parents. -Seriously? They're alive?

[beeps]

-Hello? -Mom?

-Dad? -Jack?

It's me!

Rooster, what's up, buddy?

Look who's ridin' shotgun who I been havin' frequent sex with.

It's Wiggles, your old girlfriend, in case you ain't see.

And I been havin' frequent sex with her, in case you ain't hear.

Why do you have a picture of Rooster's pecker?

I'm sorry. Whose pecker is that?!

[Rooster] Hi... Hi... Excuse me... Um... Hello...

Hello...

Hello...

[Wiggles] See you tomorrow, Bob.

Thanks for helping me get my necklace out of that guy's beard.

Hello. Excuse me. Hi. Uh...

I was... I was wondering if, uh...

maybe, um... I just wanted to give this to you.

Oh, I'm sorry.

We can't accept gifts from customers once we're off the clock.

It's a real bummer.

I had to turn down a baby turtle once.

Oh, I'm not a customer.

My mom wouldn't even let me go in there.

See, I saw you at Pizza Hut last summer.

You... You ordered a pepperoni and pineapple with extra napkins.

I went into the bathroom to practice saying hello.

I came out, and you were gone.

I even got a job there, hoping that you'd come back,

but you never did.

Yeah, I think their root beer gave me diarrhea,

so I go to Little Caesars now.

You got a job at Pizza Hut for me?

Oh, it was just for, like, a couple months.

I thought I'd never see you again, but then... I drove by you on the sign.

What's your name?

Rooster.

Rooster. Like the king of the chickens.

Exotic.

[chuckles]

-[rock music plays] -[groans]

[chuckles]

[♪ "Kickstart my Heart" by Mötley Crüe plays]

Screw this.

Ugh! Ooh!

Oh...

[engine revs]

It's the craziest thing.

When I got locked up, they had, what, three types of Gatorade?

I went to the grocery store this morning, and there was this wall.

Like, a hundred varieties.

Blue Cherry, Green Apple, something called Frost.

I didn't... I didn't know where to start.

I'm sorry, what did you ask me?

The name of the town you're in.

Oh, that's right. Kimberton.

We've learned a lot about marijuana since you got arrested.

Turns out, it's great!

Have you tried the gummies?

No, I haven't had the opportunity to indulge.

[Herb] Oh, you're gonna love it.

You bite the head off a gummy bear, Wolf Blitzer becomes hysterical!

[Lorraine] We can't wait to see you.

I suppose you can't come to San Diego until it's safe to visit.

When you do, don't make a big show of it.

Our neighbor's nephew, he stands out front and plays the violin for them.

Same song over and over.

Last Tuesday, I threw my soup at him.

Oh, God. I'm just glad you have a free place to stay.

Actually, I might be able to move to my own place soon.

My roommates might be upset if they knew, but I have a job interview today.

You're kidding. For what?

[Jack] Oh, you're gonna love this.

In prison, I got a teaching degree online,

and there's an opening at the local high school.

[violin plays]

Son of a bitch.

[sighs] So, what are you gonna wear?

Do you have a suit?

No, just Dad's tux that I went to court in,

but the prison moths did a number on it.

Do you think I need one?

Of course you need one.

You need to dress like the man you wanna be.

-[violin stops] -[man] Hey!

[♪ "Talk About the Good Times" by Jerry Reed plays]

[rock music plays]

[soft music plays]

[indistinct chatter]

Don't be puttin' no toe nails in there, tryin' to get a free dog again.

Nah, it's an engagement ring.

Oh, shit! Look at Casanova up in here!

Good luck! [chuckles]

What'd you say you wanted again?

Half Mello Yello, half orange, and half root beer.

I tried that a few times, but it kept spilling.

[crunching]

[gulps]

Dogs are a little chucky today.

-[car door slams] -[Barb] Rooster!

[sighs] Ah, shit.

What did I tell you about hanging out with this trash?

Mom, you're embarrassing me.

Oh, and my son dating a stripper isn't embarrassing?

Stripper? I dance in a bikini, Mrs. Martinez.

It's a completely different union.

And you should work there too.

You're still sexy and beautiful, even if you don't always feel like it.

Why is she complimenting me when I'm being mean to her?

She's nice.

It's creepy.

You need to make a choice.

Do you want a mother or whatever this trash calls herself?

And keep in mind, if you choose her, you're gonna be doing your own laundry

and making your own pizza bagels for the rest of your life.

[tense music plays]

I'm sorry.

She's my mom.

[dramatic music plays]

[horn honks]

Relax, asshole! I'm trying to have a memory here!

[dramatic music plays]

[George] Why politics?

Honestly, I got into politics because I was bored.

[laughs]

People think being rich is easy, but when you don't have to work,

figuring out a way to fill up your day is a full-time job.

Hey, Barb. You got an old suit I can borrow?

What do you need a suit for?

Oh, my... my parents told me I got an uncle that lives nearby.

They asked me to go visit him, but I wanted to look nice.

Sorry. My father only had one suit and we buried him in it.

-[Jack] Oh. -I have a shovel in the garage.

Yeah, I told my uncle I'd see him today at 2:30,

so I'm not sure I got time to dig up a body.

Try Goodwill. And while you're out, pick up some baby powder, would you?

Mine's disappeared and I like to sprinkle it on the floor

to follow the mouse footprints to their hideout.

Wait, you have mice?

Uh, yeah... it's a house.

Thanks.

Oh, hold on.

I think I found something to help us rob the Congresswoman.

Ugh.

All right, well...

[George] The third wife of food additive tycoon Horace Tackleberry

is, in fact, quite wealthy, thanks to her husband's father,

who invented Red Dye Number 39.

We get a penny every time someone bites into a Twizzler

or slurps down a spoonful of cherry Jell-o.

And those pennies add up.

Americans love their red foods.

[chuckles]

[George] Tackleberry insisted on giving us a tour of her palatial estate,

pointing out some of her favorite possessions:

salt and pepper shakers from Saddam Hussein's winter home,

an expansive art collection, including many pieces

she didn't seem to realize were hung upside down,

stained-glass windows purchased in the Notre Dame Fire fire sale,

and her favorite toy, an automatic dog treat feeder

she can control with her phone to check in on...

-[dog barks] -Ow!

...and feed her beloved Doberman named Birthday Girl.

But one thing Tackleberry doesn't want to boast about

are reports of her dumping millions in personal stocks

while assuring the public that the virus was nothing to be concerned with.

The, uh, administration is confident that the virus won't reach America,

so there is no need to panic.

That said, if you do wanna start washing your hands, no one's gonna stop you.

Were you dumping stocks right at that moment?

I only agreed to do this interview

because you promised you wouldn't ask that question.

How is any of this boring shit gonna help us figure out

how to break into this woman's house and steal that painting?

Check it out.

See these security cameras inside her house?

They're everywhere. And they're wireless.

We tap into her Wi-Fi and we get 24-hour surveillance inside her home.

Hmm.

We need her password.

That is not my area of expertise, but I do know someone that can help.

[scoffs] You typed the "N" backwards, genius.

It's Russian.

Well, it's still backwards.

[electronic music plays]

Hey.

Oh, what do you want?

I just wanna talk, you know? I miss you.

Well, it's too bad. You made your choice and you chose Mommy.

I'm with Melvin now, who, by the way,

found a picture of your wiener in his house

and he thinks you're up to something.

Yeah, well, it's not my wiener.

That's weird 'cause it looks like yours.

Maybe it's someone who's part of a dopple gang?

My dad told me about the dopple gangs

when I saw someone who looked exactly like him

trying on women's shoes at the flea market.

One dog per person today. I'm low on supplies.

Partner up on napkins too.

Pick a side and stick with it so you're not trading germs.

Wait, we don't gotta pay for these?

No. Almost everyone in the building lost their jobs because of COVID,

so Wanda's feeding people until they catch that bat that's making everyone sick.

Oh.

Look, I messed up, okay? Just give me a second chance.

I wish we could go back to that day

where I put that engagement ring in your hot dog.

You put an engagement ring in my hot dog?

Yeah, that day at Wanda's when...

Oh, my God, that's where it came from!

I heard a clink in the toilet, looked down and saw something sparkle.

Oysters make pearls, and I thought that maybe I made a ring

No, I bought you that ring 'cause I wanted to propose.

I still do.

Look, just give me back the ring and I can put it in that hot dog

and we can start all over.

I love you, Wiggles Rosenstein.

Rooster, I... [sighs]

You know, you can't just...

I don't even have that ring anymore.

What?

Well, nobody's making any money, so we're all just trading stuff with each other.

I gave the ring to the dog groomer in 2J for free haircuts,

and she gave it to the drug dealer in 1C for some cocaine.

[sighs]

-[door opens] -[hip hop music plays]

Sorry. I didn't know that the ring was from you.

But it doesn't matter. What's done is done.

The universe decided what should happen

and God is the universe's boss,

so if God wanted us to be together, he would tell the universe

to put that ring in another hot dog and then I would swallow it

and then I would poop it out again and then I would clean it off real good

and then I would marry you.

But that's not what God wants.

[door closes]

Hundred bucks.

I'm not here to buy coke.

If you're not here for... Hey, watch out, homie.

If you're not here for coke, what you want?

I wanna buy that ring on your finger.

I'll give you everything I have:

240 bucks and a rock that looks like it might be from outer space.

I'll take it.

As a down payment. Come back when you have ten grand.

[laughs] You hear what I said to that asshole?

I said, "Come back when you have ten grand."

[all laugh]

[dramatic music plays]

[grunting]

[sniffing]

What are you doing?

[sniffs] Smellin' for mouse piss.

[sniffs]

Hey, Ma, you still got that gun that I got you for Mother's Day?

It's in my underwear drawer. Why?

I need it.

And I'm taking the Pacer

'cause I can't hold the gun and steer my bike at the same time.

Rooster. You know the rule with the gun.

We have a hundred-second cooling off period.

Now get down here and start countin'.

[sighs]

[speaking Russian]

Hot damn! It's Russia!

[speaking Russian]

Gloria's trying to hack into the Congresswoman's security cameras,

so she's talking to some crazy chick in Russia to get the password.

Shit is bananas!

No time. My uncle's expecting me in 45 minutes.

[speaking Russian]

-[speaking Russian] -[beeping]

She says she could give us a password, but she needs five grand.

Five-thousand dollars for a word?

Well, what can I say, you gotta spend money to steal money.

Yo, this guy I'm about to rob has a ton of cash.

If Jack comes with me, we could probably just...

How high did you count?

Thirty-six.

Thirty-seven...

Hey, Barb, do you have any makeup, so I can cover this stupid prison tattoo?

Check my purse.

Ooh, Jack, we need five grand.

Which I have a perfect solution for.

How would you like to rob an asshole drug dealer

who lives down the hallway from Wiggles?

-I was just there. -[vibrating]

[Barb] Hold the phone. What were you doing hanging out with that trash?

[Rooster] She's not trash.

And what the hell were you doing in her apartment?

She had one of my game controllers. I just went to get it back.

Look, if we leave now, we could probably just...

Yeah, today's not ideal for me.

Besides, it's too risky.

You rob regular people, they call the cops.

You rob drug dealers, they come looking for you.

Come on, this is perfect. If they come looking for us, you could kick his ass.

I'm sorry, man, that's not really my vibe.

Oh, okay.

No wonder you're a goody two shoes, 'cause you don't really have any choice.

I wish I knew you couldn't fight when we were cellmates.

I would've made you clean the toothpaste out the sink.

Well, I guess you squandered your opportunity.

Screw him.

Anyone wanna come with me or am I robbin' this guy alone?

You're not robbing anyone.

If Jack says it's too risky, it's too risky.

We'll figure out another way to get the money.

This is bullshit!

How come Jack gets to make all the rules? I'm a grown-ass man!

Forty-two... forty-three... forty-four...

[birds squawking]

How's it going?

Well, my arm's sweating, so it's not sticking.

I tried rolling on some deodorant as primer, but it's not working.

Here, let me.

[grunts]

[knock at door]

[tense music plays]

Ooh!

-Can I help you? -Is your son home?

No. Why?

Just wanted to check in on him.

You know, one Eskimo brother to another.

Make sure he wasn't harboring any ill will

about me sticking my ding-a-ling in his ex's thing-a-ling.

Wiggles? He's over her.

Tossed her out like a pee bottle on the interstate.

Well, still. Tell Rooster I'd like to chat.

Mm.

You haven't come over to buy toilet paper in a while.

Been constipated.

[blowing]

Hey, you guys seen Rooster?

I saw him go into your room a little while ago.

Shit!

What?

Shit!

Shit!

He's gonna get himself killed.

Shit.

[♪ "Bang Bang" by Joe Cuba Sextet]

Last one.

Hey, sorry, folks, I'm all out. Sorry.

[grunts]

What the hell you doin', you pervert? There's kids around here.

I'm not a pervert. I was just trying to get something out of my pants.

Oh, shit!

Tough guy comin' to get his ring, huh?

Pick him up, boys.

Ah, nah, come on. Don't pick me up, boys.

And we're gonna have a little chat.

[pocket bike engine whining]

[tense music plays]

Uh, sorry, sweetheart, I had to call off the dogs.

If I ever get one of those stimulus checks,

I might be able to start feedin' people again.

[dance music plays]

Hey, have some respect for people's privacy.

I'm trying to pay my plumber.

[Hashbrown] Oh, shit, we're gonna have some fun, lover boy.

Tryin' to steal my ring for your girl, huh?

We're gonna play "Wheel of Fortune."

I spin the wheel and we find out what your fortune is.

[gun cylinder spins]

[gun cocks]

-[gun clicks] -[Hashbrown laughs] Let's try again.

[gun cylinder spins]

Goddamn it.

You know how to fight, kid?

I used to wrestle in high school. Does that count?

No.

Unless you ever wrestled three gang members with toothbrush shivs.

No worries, just keep your eyes open. You'll learn how to take care of yourself.

Hold up, we got a customer.

Hundred bucks.

[grunting]

[groans]

[♪ "Goody Two Shoes" by Adam Ant plays]

[all grunting]

[all grunting]

[both gurgling]

[screams]

[screams]

[groans]

[groans]

[screams]

[gun cocks]

Shoot this fool!

[groans]

[groans]

[both grunting]

[both grunting]

[groans]

[panting] Why'd you kick me?

[whispers] They can't know we're together or they'll come after you. I'm sorry.

[groans]

[all grunting]

Where'd you learn to do all that?

Shh.

[panting]

[indistinct chatter]

What's all that about?

You seen the spider tattoo on his neck?

Yeah.

That spider tattoo means he's in the Serbian Mafia.

Anybody who's in the drug game knows not to mess with the Serbian Mafia.

[slurps]

[door closes]

[whispers] Serbians.

Serbians!

[engine shuts off]

Rooster's fine. I gotta go.

[door closes]

[Barb] Ooh.

Hello, old friend.

First of all, I'd like to thank all the moms

for helping us continue athletics from home.

So, so crucial to helping us maintain normalcy for the kids

while we get through this pandemic.

[engine shuts off]

[sighs]

Hunter, where's your mother?

She's in the hot tub doing synchronized swimming practice with my sister.

Okay, well, try not to get bit.

[whistle blows]

[all grunting]

Hey, I'm here about the English teacher slash wrestling coach job.

Oh, thank God.

The old coach took early retirement because of the virus

and I have no idea what I'm doing.

I'll meet you out front in a sec.

Okay.

Kyle, let go your mother's neck. She's turning blue.

Sorry about the distance. It's county protocol.

No problem.

Is this resume in pencil?

Yeah. I don't have a printer, so I just traced the letters from the newspaper.

Okay. [clears throat]

Boy Scouts, high school wrestling team...

-Mm-hmm. -Homecoming court.

Not the king, just part of the court.

Still a thrill.

I bet. [chuckles]

You did some dog sitting from 1990 through 1994 and...

I'm seeing a bit of a lull.

Is there a reason why you didn't list your job at the extermination company?

Oh. Oh, this is just a loner because...

Okay, this is something I didn't wanna get into,

but, uh... [clears throat] I have a bit of a history some people

might jump to unfortunate conclusions about upon hearing.

I spent the last 26 years in prison.

-Really? -Yeah, it's not as bad as it sounds.

I just... I sold some pot and it was back when they had mandatory minimums,

so I...

I love prison.

Excuse me?

I love it. I really do. Can't get enough.

Orange Is the New Black, Shawshank, Oz.

Oh, you remember Oz?

Oh, man. Is that a prison tattoo?

Hmm? Oh, yeah.

It's a two and a seven 'cause I was dealt a bad hand.

The guy even put little pot leaves.

-Oh, that is so cool. -[chuckles]

Listen, I'd love to hire you.

Oh, thank you so much. You are not gonna regret this.

Oh, man. Oh, my parents are gonna flip.

They were both teachers, so this is gonna make them super proud.

Yes, well, this is awkward.

I wasn't finished.

The state won't allow me to hire a teacher with a felony drug conviction.

Wait, what? Are you kidding me?

No, I wish I was 'cause you seem like a great guy.

Have you considered being an exterminator? Shirt looks nice.

Red seems to agree with you.

[sighs]

I wanted to teach.

You could teach those bugs a lesson for coming into the house.

I'm just trying to help.

[♪ "Thunderbird Wine" by David Quinn plays]

[snorts]

Whoo-hoo!

Hey, was your uncle excited to meet you?

I had an uncle I met later in life.

His name was Uncle Nate. Nice guy, but he was kind of handsy.

But he had Bell's palsy, so it wasn't too hard to fight him off.

His wife was a piece of work.

Everyone called her Bunny, but she looked more like a turkey to me.

She had a long, flabby chin.

It looked like her mouth had melted down into her neck,

but, boy, she could sing like an angel.

I'll tell you this one thing...

What are you doing?

I'm leaving.

Are you moving in with your uncle? Can I come? There's mice here.

There is no uncle. I had a job interview.

A job interview? For what?

An English teacher who also coaches wrestling.

But it doesn't matter because apparently you can't be a teacher

if you've been in prison for selling drugs.

Why would you wanna be an English teacher?

Who also coaches wrestling.

Probably also would have done carpool drop-off duty and chaperoned dances.

Oh, I would've crushed it.

But we're gonna make bank off this Congresswoman.

You stole enough cash to get the password,

and from here, it's only a matter of time.

I'm not robbing any Congresswoman.

I don't wanna be doing any of this bullshit.

I could have been killed today because of Rooster.

It's not who I am. I'm not a criminal.

Yeah, you keep saying that, but you helped us Rob Melvin.

You helped us rob the vet clinic...

They were shitty people.

And even then, I went and snuck some of our cash

to good people, to feel okay about it.

I stole because I thought I had no choice, but I do and I'm leaving.

To where?

Parents in San Diego.

If I had to leave a couple of bottles behind, what flavor would you drink?

Jack, you can't leave me here with these idiots.

I can't rob the Congresswoman alone.

Today Barb asked if we'll see ghosts on the security cameras.

Well, let me know if you do.

-Excuse me. -Well... Okay.

Yeah.

What if you could be a teacher after we're done?

I told you they won't let me be a teacher.

So stop being you.

You think I only know people who can get passwords?

I can get you a brand-new identity, passport, Social Security card,

driver's license, any name you want.

Frank or Doug or Travis. Any of those sound good?

You could start fresh.

I just need you for a few weeks first.

All right, when you say we're gonna make bank off this Congresswoman...

You'll be the wealthiest English teacher who also coaches wrestling in America.

Rooster's gonna jump off the roof, hit the trampoline,

and launch himself over the garage!

This is the best thing that's happened

since my sister tried to ride a tire down the street.

One of those tractor ones from a farm.

How cool are animals? Did you know that mama cows...

You hide the ladder, I'll flush the coke.

Okay.

Jesus Christ.

[funk music plays]

I still think it's impossible for a mouse to run off with all that cocaine.

I don't know. According to cartoons, they're pretty crafty little devils.

Oh, yeah, they're havin' a party.

You know what? Good for them. It can't be easy being a mouse.

You guys, we're in.

"The Real Housewife of Congressional District Ten" is on the air.

Oh, my God, is she rich. Her TV comes with an exercise bike.

[Lorraine] That's wonderful news! Congratulations!

[Herb] Not bad, kid, not bad.

Yeah, I can't believe it myself.

I'll call you after my first day. I love you.

[phone beeps]

Your parents?

Yeah.

I don't like lyin' to 'em like that,

but I thought they deserved to be proud of me for once.

What's this?

I didn't tell the others, but the dealer had a lot more cash than five grand.

I thought maybe you could show me what it is you do to feel good about yourself.

Tell your friends we are back in business!

An angel left enough dogs and buns on my doorstep to feed folks for weeks.

Which should be more than enough

because Trump promises this will be all over by Easter.

[♪ "Bring It On Up" by Loleatta Holloway plays]

It's pretty cool, huh?

I gotta say, I thought you were crazy, but you were right.

-Mm. -It feels good.

Yeah. Sure does.

God sent me.

[tense music plays]

Show me your pecker.

Hey, come on, man. There's no need to...

I said show me your pecker!

Okay.

[Rooster sighs]

You got some explaining to do, Cinderella.

[sighs]

[♪ "Samo Se Jednom Zivi" by Davor Jovanovic plays]

[wind blowing]

Why are you with this guy?

He's an asshole and his house smells like a can of tennis balls.

Actually, that's him, not the house. He has a unique musk.

Uh, no offense, dude, but shouldn't you have a mask on?

None of you have a mask on.

[tense music plays]

This is the best reality show I've ever seen.

Hogan Knows Best was up there, but this is pure, unfiltered reality.