Original subtitles

Once upon a time in a faraway land known as the 1980s,

there was a lovely, smart, funny American girl named Donna who moved to England,

where she fell in love with a handsome Frenchman named Henrique.

They had a perfect child whom they called Eloise,

and all was well until one day Henrique decided, as we say in England,

to fuck the babysitter.

And so dear Donna returned to her charming hometown of Indianapolis,

where she met another man who was... Well, he was Bill.

And Donna had two more children, Alice and Paul.

For half the year, Eloise would come to stay with them

and enjoy all the delights of Midwestern life:

the motor speedway, the Putt-Putt, and of course the mall.

♪ That's Frosty the Snowman ♪

♪ He's a jolly, happy soul... ♪

Okay, everyone, say "jingle."

Jingle!

Okay, everybody, hats and sweaters off.

Let's see that Easter flair.

All right, you heard your mother. He is risen. Let's go!

Uh, wh-what's happening?

Well, I paid for three pictures, so we're moving on to Easter.

Hey, big guy, do you mind stepping aside for these next ones?

Yeah, let's go. Go get yourself a potato.

Extra bacon bits. You earned it. Let's go.

He's not allowed to eat in his suit.

Oh, just roll with it. Come here, Paulie.

- Ooh, Mom, can we be hugging in the picture? - Yes.

Oh, let's flex.

- Uh, yes to hugging, no to flexing. - Yes. -Yay!

- -Excuse me. We weren't ready. - Come on.

I-I'm sorry. There's a lot of people waiting.

All right, I will pay for the four-picture package.

I can pay for it, Mum.

El, no, I'm not gonna allow my 13-year-old daughter to pay for this.

- Her dad sent her here with $3,000. - I know.

Oh, yeah, but we already decided she's buying us a Jet Ski.

Bill.

I thought we landed on a hot tub.

How about one of those limousines with a hot tub?

Let's get a lion.

- Let's get a Taco Bell and put it in our backyard. - Yes!

Everybody, say...

Bunny.

Bunny!

Great. Okay, red, white and blue.

- Quick like bunnies. - Wait.

You're forgetting a very important holiday.

Give that to your mother.

And we'll all say...

Surprise!

Happy Mother's Day, Mum.

Sorry I always have to miss it.

This is so nice.

Aw. Oh, don't cry.

This is supposed to make you happy.

I'm sorry. I can't stop it. It's happening.

Mom, does Ellie really have to go home tomorrow?

Well, honey, she will be back before you even know it.

Why can't her dad live here?

Because he lives in England, Alice.

- I hate England! - Oh.

That's reasonable.

I'm sorry. Should I take the picture?

This isn't gonna get any better, hon. Just take it.

Yes, Donna's three children were once thick as thieves.

But as they grew, well, they grew apart.

Eloise had her father's fortune,

and Alice and Paul had their father's Chrysler Sebring.

By the year 2022, the family had scattered to the four winds,

but there was a glimmer of hope that could perhaps bring them all together once more.

I'm speaking of course of a wedding.

And that is how our story begins.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Who took the bomp? ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ See you later ♪

♪ See you later. ♪

What the fuck even is this?

Hi, sis.

Oh, my fucking God, have you seen this invitation?

I-I am five minutes away from homiciding someone.

- I can't stand her. - I know. I know.

I opened mine this morning, and then I just put it down on my kitchen table,

I poured kerosene everywhere, and then I just literally burned my own house down.

I mean, the invites are gorgeous,

but I'm not kidding, I think she spent like $25,000.

And they smell like rosemary.

I am moving to space.

Okay, I'm screaming, and I'm dead.

I died of screaming, and now I'm also... I'm stabbing people.

I'm just, I'm just randomly stabbing people.

- Paul! - Oh, sorry.

Okay, give me one second.

I'm at work, and I have a patient in a trash can.

That sounds fine and normal.

Okay, you got nine more minutes, Helen.

That's it.

There is a maxi pad near my shin.

- How does that make you feel, honey? - I want to get out.

I want you to let that feeling in but just not act on it.

I am gonna add some more trash now.

Now, remember, this might feel like I'm heaping garbage on you...

...but it's a gift.

Hi. Sorry.

Are you going to the wedding?

No, I'm not going.

Alice, Eloise is our half sister, which means we can half-ass the relationship.

Although, she did ask me to be her maid of honor

when I was like 17.

Oh, my God. You're gonna go, aren't you?

She doesn't even want us there.

Or maybe she wants us to be her butlers. Whatever.

- I'm not going. - Uh-huh.

Okay, I really need to go now.

Listen, Alice, stay strong, and please tell Mom to stop calling me.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Is anyone there? I seem to be stuck...

Ma'am? Coming in.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

No worries. Uh, it's just my face.

Uh, okay, let's see.

- Let me just... - I just got... I couldn't get...

Can you unzip?

- Whew. - Sure.

I got it. Wait.

Oh, okay.

- Oh, I'm so sorry. - Oh.

Hi.

- I will pay for this. - Don't worry about it.

Are you shopping for a special occasion?

Yes, my daughter Eloise is getting married in England.

She lives there.

My first husband was European. French. Henrique.

He's a douche bag.

- Oh. Okay. - And my other children from my second marriage...

They don't seem to really like me right now.

Especially my son Paul.

Ever since his father Bill died... Bill was my second husband.

- Yeah. - Life's a journey.

As for me, well, I guess the, uh...

Romantic chapters of my life are over,

and I'm-I'm not sure what to do next.

- Well... - And I've also developed

this totally irrational fear of traveling.

I'm so anxious.

But my friend Barbara gave me some pot for my flight.

- Do you do pot? - Uh, I...

Oh, you can't answer that. You're at work, so don't.

The point is I haven't had all my children together for a while.

I mean, since Bill's funeral.

Shall I get you some other options?

Yes. Yes. I'll try not to completely destroy them.

Wow.

♪ ♪

Can't ignore your mom forever, hon.

I absolutely can ignore her forever, actually.

I'm very cold and extremely heartless, so...

It's very hard to be a parent, Paul.

Okay, Helen, it's time for you to get back in the trash,

and I'm gonna need you to take those puppies off.

You're gonna have to rip these shoes off my bony, old, dead legs.

You're the one who's paying 7,000 bucks a week to stand in trash

so you can function in a world where germs exist, Hels Bells.

Okay, one at a time. Ooh, graceful.

That's all right.

Yes, very daintily.

Good. I'm going to let go of your hand now.

You got it.

Take a deep breath.

You can do it.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's okay. It's okay. I'm right here. I'm right here.

It's okay.

No, I can't... Okay.

All right. Okay. It's okay.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Oh, hey, Al, uh, do you have the RoboJet file?

Uh, it's just right here.

Uh, reschedule my Friday lunch, and do you want to sit in on my two o'clock?

I could really use your input on this one.

Yeah. I could squeeze you in.

Can we get dinner after this?

Only if it's someplace nice. No cheeseburgers.

- What if it's a very, very cool food truck? - No.

You own this whole company.

You are not buying me a cheeseburger, bro.

Did you just call me "bro" while we're fucking?

I'm sorry. Your Honor.

That's better. Say that one more time.

- Your Honor. - Oh. Oh, shit. Oh.

How much money worth of wine do you think is in this cup?

Like, is this $45 worth?

You know, sometimes I think that you're actually just using me for my fortune.

Oh, my God, no.

I'm using you for your dick.

- I'm okay with that. - Good.

Who was that?

Barf.

My mom is trying to get me to go to my sister's wedding again.

Oh, and you're not gonna go 'cause you're gonna miss me too much?

No.

My sister's just... We were close for a long time,

and I thought she was amazing, but she was just rich.

Oh, that sucks.

No, not like a cool rich person like you or like Iron Man.

- We're basically the same person. - Mm-hmm. But it's different.

She's not there for me, you know? Like, literally.

She was supposed to come see me last summer.

Oh, so she wasn't there for the breakup or the miscarriage?

Yeah, whatever.

She bailed, chose to stay in London and play cricket

and shove fish and chips up her butt.

That's not how you eat them.

You should go.

Or maybe...

we should go?

What?

Give a girl a little warning.

Give her some warning next time.

Date night.

She's kind of up there, you know.

Hey, boys.

So excited for your big show tonight.

Do you know Paul has never seen King Lear?

Well, to be fair, I did see Gnomeo & Juliet,

by myself, through a series of mix-ups.

Oh, we're doing a whole gender thing, so it's actually Queen Lear.

Oh, wow.

I'm sure it's better than that production of Cats where they made them all dogs.

Oh, hey, Dallas.

Hi.

Dallas, you have to meet Dominic and Paul.

They are our best friends, and it is a travesty we haven't introduced you yet.

Hi, Dallas. Is it true what they say?

Is everything bigger in Texas?

Well, hi, boys. Uh...

Oh, there's the lights.

Let's go. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Um, I'm not a part of that.

I'm just their straight friend.

Yeah, we figured.

You dress straight.

Wait, Dom.

What is a Dallas?

He's their, you know, extra.

- They opened their relationship? - Mm-hmm.

I'm shocked.

- Oh, Paul, you're so easily shocked. - I am not.

Yes. You're shocked every time they reveal a Masked Singer.

Okay, well, it's never who you expect it to be.

That's the whole point of the show.

Paul, I'd love to talk to you

about making the trip.

Airplane emoji.

Where are you? Where are you? Oh.

No, that's a knife.

...that she may feel.

How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is.

To have a thankless child.

Why did she send a knife?

All right, sir, this is your destination.

Please feel free to give me a five-star rating on my pretend Uber account.

I will give you six.

- ...ty-nine? - No.

Yes! You said it.

All right, time to face the music.

You know, you could come to my place sometime, for the night.

You could even ride up front like a real boy.

No, the-the way that she's gonna yell at me for being this late is bad enough.

I mean, if-if I was out all night, believe me...

Yeah, okay. I get it. Never mind.

Alice, I'm sorry.

I mean, she already knows that I want a separation, but...

The baby.

Yeah.

Okay, I hate you. Go.

I hate you, too.

See you tomorrow.

I'm worried about Preston and Crosby.

An open relationship just sounds very messy.

Mm, I think that's sort of the point.

I thought they were happy.

Maybe they just want to share their happiness with someone else.

Gosh, Paul, you're so young but so traditional.

Well, I think it's nice when two people

can really commit to each other for life, you know?

Like I thought my parents did.

- Maybe they did. - No. No.

My mom threw away all my dad's stuff, like, a week after he died,

like he never even existed.

And she never even talks about him.

I still don't think this awkwardness with your mom

should stop us from going to London.

Hmm?

Okay, well, honey, my mom's not the only reason I don't want to go, okay?

I also... have to work.

And... um, well, I don't like scones.

Okay, so scones and open relationships... They're off the table.

Wait, do you really wish we had an open relationship?

No.

No, I don't.

Paul, I think you should talk to your mom.

You know, maybe she had her reasons for being weird with your dad, you know?

Maybe he was whoring around town.

You know, really giving it to the ladies at the Fuddruckers.

No, no. That's my mom's first husband that cheated on her.

But she still has his picture up in her house.

Henrique.

So then there's no Frenchmen in our threesomes?

You're hilarious.

♪ You know I'm bad at communication ♪

♪ It's the hardest thing for me to do ♪

♪ And it's said it's the most important part ♪

♪ That relationships go through ♪

♪ And I gave it all away just so I could say that ♪

♪ Well, I know, I know, I know, I know ♪

♪ That you're gonna be okay anyway ♪

♪ You know there's no rhyme or reason ♪

♪ For the way you turned out to be ♪

♪ I didn't go and try to change my mind ♪

♪ Not intentionally ♪

♪ I know it's hard to hear me say it ♪

♪ But I can't bear to stay in ♪

♪ I just know, I know, I know, I know that you're gonna be okay... ♪

You'll be seeing a lot more of these in London.

♪ Don't let your mind retire ♪

♪ Oh, but I just couldn't take it ♪

♪ I tried hard not to fake it... ♪

Oh! Hi. Martha.

Top of the... good morning to you.

Um, you're here to water the plants.

- Yep. - Great.

I, um, came in to, uh, return the stapler,

and then...

something went wrong with my underwear.

As you can see. They slipped down.

They fell right off.

- I know that sounds crazy, but... - Nope.

It's happened to me a bunch of times.

Let's troubleshoot.

Let me help you out here.

- I got this. - I can probably just...

No, no. I got this. Sorry. I got this. Please.

- All right, I see exactly what happened. - You do?

- I see what you did. - Yeah?

You just must have put one foot through this morning.

- Wow. - Yeah.

- Geez, what a goof, huh? - Come on.

- It happens to the best of us. - Okay, yep.

That's great, that's great.

- Perfect. - Okay.

- And we're just... And that's as far as I can go. - Okay.

And I want you to wiggle.

- Right. - Give me a little...

"Er-ee, er-ee, er-ee."

- That's it. That's it. Wow. - Yeah.

Ooh. That makes so much sense.

Well done.

- Thank you. Yeah. - You did it. Yeah, great.

Um, okay, well, phew.

- I'm glad you were here. - Yeah.

- Have a good day. - You, too.

Always good to see ya.

Okay, bye. Love ya. I mean...

I know.

Ooh.

"I googled the best places for scones in the city.

"It might be fun to try something new together.

Love, Dominic."

Fucking Dallas.

- Paul Stevenson. - Paul.

Oh, finally. It's Mom.

Shit.

Paul. Quick word?

It was just a hug.

The protocol is the protocol.

If we soothe our patients, they won't learn to self soothe.

Would you pick up a baby every time it cried?

No. I wouldn't.

I would...

put the baby down.

With extreme prejudice.

You've broken the bond with Helen.

My method of treating OCD,

which may I remind you is considered the gold standard,

requires patients to confront their fears,

to be alone with their discomfort until they learn to comfort themselves.

Sometimes a hug can be worse than a slap.

I'm giving you one month's unpaid leave to confront your fear of doing your job.

Hi, Paul.

Guess who's coming to London.

Mm. Guess who else is also going, and that guess is me.

Yeah, well, my job sucks,

and I do not want to wind up with a Dallas.

Did that sentence make no sense, or am I drunk?

Or both?

Drink for me.

Oh, Alice,

I'm just so relieved.

Okay, hon, w-we'll talk soon.

Okay, bye-bye.

Yes! Alice and Paul are both going to the wedding.

Why can't you ever be happy for me, Gerald, huh? Just once?

♪ ♪

Where are you?

I am two wines deep and considering ordering something

called the Excess Baggage Bacon Bites.

Alice, I'm not at the airport.

I-I can't fly out tonight.

What? Why?

Uh, Marissa...

I don't want to hear about her.

Look, I just need more time, okay?

It's been months.

You can't understand, okay?

- You don't have children. - Oh, fuck off.

I'm sorry.

I... I didn't mean it like that.

You know, when you said, "Let's go," I kind of thought you wanted to go,

- so I guess that's on me. - I'm sorry.

I will be there as soon as I can.

Just please trust me.

Okay.

I'll see you soon.

Oh. Excuse me. Excuse me.

- Shit. - Sir?

Shit, I just got a notification that our hotel reservation was canceled.

Surprise.

Uh, sorry, what?

Well, I canceled it because my dear friend Alcott Cotswald...

You know my old PhD professor...

He offered us a room in his flat.

Sorry, your dear friend, is it?

And it's... We're gonna stay in his flat?

Are we on Down ton Abbey?

Well, Alcott is quite wealthy and quite gay, so...

...you know, I just figured his place

would be much better than the hotel, so...

Oh, Paul, you don't... you don't seem happy.

- Mm. - No?

I just feel like your life has been such a bummer,

and I wanted to do something nice for you.

But if you don't want to stay with Alcott,

- then I'll just cancel. - No, no, no.

No. No. It's fine.

Good. Good.

- You're going to love him. - Mm-hmm. I'm sure I will.

I love old, weird, rich men.

Prince Charles... mm, delish.

Oh, dear God.

- What? - What?

- Oh! - Oh!

Oh. Ah, sorry.

I shouldn't have worn such a light pant.

Does someone have Tide to go?

Sir?

♪ ♪

Oh, my God!

- Are you okay? - Uh... Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

I-I'm fine. I just...

My ex-husband just... messaged me on the Facebook.

Oh, okay.

I mean, he said... Listen to this.

"Looking forward to seeing you, darling."

- Hmm. - Dumb.

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.

So annoying.

Look at him. Still handsome, right?

Ooh. I'd let that happen. No offense.

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.

I-I ate a marijuana gummy in the cab.

Do you want one?

I'm a police officer.

Oh. Um...

I don't actually...

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not.

Oh, my God.

You gave me a heart attack.

Hi. I'd like to upgrade my ticket, please.

And not because I'm drunk.

Of course, ma'am.

♪ Watching strangers smile ♪

♪ Never knew it was a privilege ♪

- ♪ Until the wide, fearful eyes... ♪ - Water?

Water?

I've always wanted to live by the sea.

♪ Now I've been trapped... ♪

Thank you.

♪ For weeks on end ♪

♪ My knees, my back, my brain... ♪

Holy shit, this is nice.

Mm-hmm.

Is this whole seat just for me?

I think so. You want me to take a picture of you in it?

Maybe. It's-it's my first time in business class.

My company upgraded me. So cool.

Very cool, Country Mouse.

Oh.

Wow. Okay.

Yes, I actually am from Kansas.

But what gave it away?

Was it the piece of straw that I'm using as a toothpick?

I'm sorry.

I have no excuse. I'm just kind of a dick.

It's fine.

I kind of figured that everyone in business class

was gonna be hot and mean like you.

I'm Dennis, by the way.

Alice.

Oh, damn.

They got Paddington on this flight?

You've seen it, right?

I haven't. Isn't it a kids movie?

Uh, okay, first of all, that's dumb.

It's not a kids movie. It's just a very good movie.

And second of all, you are watching it.

We are watching it.

Sync.

Uh, it's kind of scary, so just be prepared.

♪ ♪

Mm.

No.

Why are you up so early?

My brother and sister are getting here today.

And Mum of course, but, you know, siblings are just special.

Oh, I can't wait to finally introduce you.

I'm sorry, I just...

I can't imagine being this excited to see my siblings.

Well, that's because all Cecil and Bridge ever talk about is horses.

Alice and Paul are so fun.

We haven't been in touch as much lately,

but I'm sure we'll be best friends again in no time.

I don't want to seem overly excited when I see them.

I've been practicing my face. How's this?

Great.

It looks like... boobs.

- Oh. - Boobs.

Stop.

Stop it.

It's bad luck to look at the bride's boobs before the wedding.

Okay.

But if I look at your bottom, it's seven years of good luck, so...

I said stop.

I'm sorry I won't get to meet them till the rehearsal dinner.

But I have to head out to the family manse.

It's fine.

I really want this time with them to catch up.

Did I ever tell you about the time that all three of us

threw up in the booth at Taco Bell?

It's a beautiful story.

Moving.

I don't... I don't know why I just did that.

Oh, yes, I do.

I ate a lot of marijuana.

You should have more.

Just kidding.

It's so good to see you, Donna.

You, too, Henrique.

- Where are your bags? - Oh.

You know, I don't know.

It feels so weird to go from drunk to hungover with no sleep in between.

Right?

Should we get a drink? No.

- Breakfast? - Yeah.

I-I don't have any meetings until, like, tomorrow,

so, yeah, you want to go get breakfast?

We should totally do that... that thing.

Okay, I'm gonna ignore the fact that you just started talking really weird.

Thank you.

I think my hotel has, like, a pretty elaborate brunch.

Great.

I love elaborate things.

Why are you still doing it? You're still talking weird.

I know. Can you just keep ignoring it?

For how long?

- Babe? - Hmm?

Are you pr-pretending not to be with me?

Oh. No, no. Uh...

Yes. Sorry.

It's just your pants.

Not that bad.

Mr. Dominic Shaw and Mr. Paul Stevenson?

Uh-huh.

Let me get your bags.

No, you cannot find a replacement for that light fixture

because it was one of a kind.

This isn't Conran's for Christ's sakes.

Yeah, fuck Conran's.

Yes, I do expect to be reimbursed.

- Hello, boys. How was your flight, hmm? - Mm.

Who's ready for a shower?

Oh, I'm already wet.

- ♪ Beam me up ♪ - ♪ Beam me up ♪

- ♪ Count me in ♪ - ♪ Count me in ♪

- ♪ Three, two, one ♪ - ♪ Three, two, one ♪

♪ Let's begin ♪

- ♪ Here we go, here we go ♪ - ♪ Here we go, here we go ♪

♪ Here we go, here we go, here we go ♪

♪ You said, "Baby, do you want to come home with me? ♪

♪ I got Buffalo '66 on DVD" ♪

♪ You said, "Baby, do you want to come home with me..." ♪

Hi. Uh, checking in.

- Alice Stevenson. - Stevenson.

Of course. Welcome.

How did you know my name?

Your sister, Eloise, very kindly forwarded us your picture.

She wanted to ensure a smooth check-in.

And she has upgraded you to the Sterling Suite.

Oh, I can't afford... I mean, I-I...

I prefer a smaller room 'cause, as you can see, I'm very short.

I don't want to slip behind a piece of furniture or get lost.

What would you even do, call 911?

Do you guys have 911 here?

Your bill has been covered in advance,

including any incidental charges you acquire.

She didn't need to do that.

You've had a long flight, no doubt.

Shall we show you to your room?

Yeah.

Thank you.

- So... - Yeah. I mean, what else are you doing?

- That's a giant bed. - I know.

Why didn't we use the bed?

We were in a hurry.

Plus, we kind of fell off.

Well, you fell.

I was pushed.

Our miscellaneous charges have arrived.

Hello, miss. I have your breakfasts.

Right on, Jimmy John.

Mm.

Oh, yeah, there we go.

So, two orders of eggs Benedict,

one omelette forestière with spinach, watercress and polenta fries,

a smoked Scottish haddock,

one order of pancakes, waffles, two pain au chocolat,

side of bacon, side of sausage,

coffee service, tea service,

a lobster risotto...

- Gorgeous, yeah. - ...orange juice,

one bottle of Veuve Clicquot,

a yogurt parfait,

the steak frites

and two bottles of sauvignon blanc.

Wonderful.

We've never tried food before, and we are very excited.

Of course, miss.

Mmm.

Mmm.

What even time is it?

Mm, must be, like, 3:30 in the afternoon.

Oh, shit.

I have to go to dinner with my dumb family soon.

Huh, better finish all this breakfast, then.

Oh, I'm going to.

I'm gonna eat this. And this.

That.

I'm gonna head over due east.

Then I might... Don't even start here 'cause these are also mine.

I'm gonna finish all of it, and if I barf,

that will be no less than what they deserve.

Are you my dream girl?

Please tell me you aren't married.

- Shit. Jonathan. - What?

- Oh, no. Are you married? - No. No, no.

No, Jonathan is my rabbit.

And I have to text someone... uh, my friend who's watching him... real quick

just to make sure he has enough, um... um...

- um... - Carrots?

Yeah. Carrots.

Well, since I now know that you have a rabbit

and I still think that you might be my dream girl,

do you think I can see you again while you're here?

Sorry, what?

I was asking you out.

Oh.

Huh.

♪ ♪

Oh, God!

Oh, sorry.

Didn't mean to startle.

That's okay. I thought you were Dominic.

No, most decidedly not.

So, do you always just barge into rooms in your own house like this?

Oh, yes. It's one of my worst habits.

Ah, if I told you my worst habits, I'd have to kill you.

Ah.

We better get going.

Yes, of course.

So, my driver will scoot you off to your little family dinner,

but tomorrow night, you two belong to me.

- Yes, sir. - Well, let's just remember that

I'm going to look like a little tiny pile of ashes

after spending the evening with my family, so you'll have to carry me out in an urn.

You're funny.

He's funny.

Mm, spend enough time with me, it's bound to rub off.

Mm.

♪ My heart goes up, my heart goes down ♪

♪ We fall in love ♪

♪ And we fall back out ♪

♪ I'll give you anything you want... ♪

I miss those days when you were just a little baby, Ellie.

But maybe soon we will have a grandchild.

Slow down, Henrique.

Let her enjoy her wedding first.

What is it, Ellie? Is something wrong?

I'm okay, Mum, just tired.

Weddings can be stressful.

Remember to breathe.

My bitch!

Yay!

Oh, hi.

- Oh, thank God you're here. - Oh, my God.

- Ugh. - I can't believe that I am.

- You remember Dom. - Hi, Dom.

Alice! Paul!

- Paul. - Good to see you, Mom.

- Um, Dominic. - Henrique.

- Dominic, nice to see you again. - Nice to see you again.

- Have you been waiting long? - Oh, big-time.

Well, I'll just go check on the table, then.

And you look the same, and that's not fair.

- Thank you. - Is it possible that, um,

I'm still a little stoned?

- Did you see? She just paid. - White wine, madam.

- You're hilarious. - Please.

- I got it. - Thank you.

Let's not be shy, okay?

Really.

Everyone. Hello.

First, I'd like to say thank you from the bottom of my heart

for coming to England for my nuptials.

I know it was likely difficult to press pause on your work and lives,

and I so appreciate it.

Now, sweetheart, we wouldn't have dreamed of not coming.

So, cheers.

Cheers.

Paulie.

Okay.

And since it's been a little while since we've all been together,

I thought we'd play an icebreaker game that I found online called

- "Would You Rather." - Oh.

I played it with my team at work, and they absolutely loved it.

Oh, what do you do for work again?

Oh, I'm a project manager at Painted Wings.

It's a foundation that encourages the disadvantaged to enjoy art.

I like to encourage them to enjoy food.

What was that, Paul?

Mm.

Alice had something disgusting in her teeth. Ugh.

'Cause I'm disgusting.

Okay, I will start with Paul!

At your own risk.

Oh, this is a fun one.

Would you rather be four-foot-five or seven-foot-seven?

Ooh, are we talking height or wiener?

- Paul. - Excellent follow-up.

Excuse me. Thank you.

- It's a fair question. - It's very fair.

Okay, definitely seven feet.

I don't think there's a gay on the planet that wants to be miniature,

because then you run the risk of an old crone coming along

and snatching you up and putting you in her glass menagerie

along with her treasures.

It's happened before.

Alice.

- Your turn. - Would you rather be

poor and work at a job you love or rich and work at a job you hate?

Rich and hate.

Wait, Alice, you work at Jonathan Walsh's company, right?

Yep.

Are you on the tech side or creative?

Uh, I'm his assistant.

Oh.

Well... yay.

Alice is an extremely

talented architect, and she'd be immensely successful at it if she wanted to.

I want to do what I'm doing.

That's why I'm doing it.

Sorry, I thought I was defending you.

We can't all have rich papas.

Some of us have to get non-volunteer jobs.

I know that.

Actually, not all of us have dads at all.

Paul. That's too dark.

Alice, the wine is spilling.

You bet it is, Mom.

El, hit us with another one. This is fun.

Ooh, I'll go, I'll go.

Okay, Mom,

off the top of my head, would you rather

have your husband die

or give away all his stuff without asking us if we wanted any of it?

Ooh, or both. Is that allowed? Can you do both, Eloise?

Paul, you shouldn't talk to your mother that way.

Oh. I know that you're very supportive of my mother.

But also, isn't there a 19-year-old with daddy issues in this restaurant somewhere

whose self-esteem you should be absolutely destroying?

Do you have any more questions, El? 'Cause this is a fun icebreaker.

I'm loving it.

Oh, look! The food is here.

- Oh. Mmm. - Delicious.

- Delish. - Amazing.

Well, so lovely having you all here.

Only 72 hours till the big "I do."

It's just so wonderful being here together with my children

and all their friends.

Sorry, did you mean Dominic when you said "friends," Mom?

'Cause, you know, he's not my friend.

He's my sexual lover.

No, no, no. Not more of this.

Paul, that was not directed at you.

You know I support you.

- Oh, my God, Alice. - I'm fine.

I think I just had some bad chicken.

We didn't have any chicken.

Poor thing.

Excuse me, sir?

- Yes? - You see this man here?

- Uh, yes. - Well, he's my son.

- What's happening? - And Dominic here is not just his friend.

- No. Mom. - He's his boyfriend.

Or, uh, lover. Or partner.

- Okay. - They do sex things.

- Ooh. - He puts it in his butt.

- No, that's not... that's... - Or maybe he puts it in his butt.

- Oh, this is so much worse. - It doesn't matter.

It's A-OK with me.

I want to tell him my son is gay and I'm proud,

and I always have been.

Very proud.

Eloise.

Oh. Hello, Tom.

Ha!

Everyone, this is Tom.

We work together.

Oh, good. Mom was just explaining anal sex to him.

Tom, this is, this is my family.

I'm the proud father.

I would be.

Well, it's, uh, it's lovely to meet you all.

And, uh, congratulations on the whole, uh, gay shebang.

Um, everyone's doing it.

Well, I'll see you at the wedding, Eloise.

Did he just congratulate you for being gay?

- Straight up. - No!

Shush.

All of you.

I'm going to assume that all of your absolutely outrageous behavior tonight

can be attributed to jet lag and not some sort of advanced rot

occurring in each of your minds.

But heed my words.

This is my city, these are my people,

and furthermore, and most importantly, this is my wedding.

And you will not fuck this up for me.

So whatever's going on with you tonight, I trust it is out of your systems entirely

and from this moment forward, you will behave like a normal family

who is here to happily celebrate a loved one's wedding.

Alice!

Sober the hell up before my hen do tomorrow.

Paul, leave Mum alone.

And, Papa, just-just...

You're basically being fine for once, actually.

- Eloise, if I... - Absolutely not!

- I... - Shush!

You tried.

I am pressing the reset button on all of this right now.

Is that understood?!

- Yeah. - Good!

Mum, Papa, let's go.

She's even prettier when she's angry.

Absolutely radiant. And that dress?

- No one else could pull it off. - No one I know.

♪ No, I can't sleep alone, I just wanna go home ♪

♪ But I sleep alone again... ♪

♪ I was always wanting more, but I never knew... ♪

Jonathan?

Your rabbit?

Oh, hi, Dennis.

No, my house sitter was gonna call so that I could talk to my rabbit.

Um, he has trouble sleeping

'cause he's...

a sociopath.

O-Okay.

Um, well, listen.

Uh, maybe this is a little forward, but, um...

can I see you tomorrow night?

Um, I have my sister's bachelorette party.

How about tonight?

Y...

Um, you know, I'm just really busy and kind of exhausted.

Uh, okay. No worries.

I know lots of other women in London,

like Emma Thompson, the Spice Girls,

Princess Diana.

Uh,'s ghost.

Okay, great, so I'll call you later, then, okay?

Uh, right. Uh, good night.

"Can't wait."

Hi!

♪ On the chaise longue, on the chaise longue, on the chaise longue ♪

♪ All day long, on the chaise longue... ♪

- This is Moffy... - Hello.

...Mimzy

- And Bits. - Hello. -Bits. Hi.

Uh, did Mimzy not email you about what to wear?

Oh, I'm such a cunt.

I didn't. I forgot.

- Aren't I a cunt, Bits? - She really is a cunt, Alice.

Concur one thousand percent.

But I know a place we can stop and get Alice a suit.

Thank you.

So this is a British bachelorette party, huh?

- Mm-hmm. - - A hen do?

Yeah, a hen do, yeah.

Are we not gonna get to drink vodka out of penis-shaped cups?

Oh, my God, Americans are so fun!

Can you imagine Eloise drinking out of a penis cup, Bits?

Well, maybe with a pinky out.

She could, you know.

I like Alice.

Oh. Uh, oh, pull over just here.

♪ On the chaise longue, on the chaise longue ♪

♪ All day long, on the chaise longue ♪

♪ On the chaise longue, on the chaise longue... ♪

Hang tight. We'll be back with a suit.

♪ On the chaise longue, on the chaise longue ♪

♪ On the chaise longue... ♪

Having fun?

- Mm-hmm. - Mm.

Yeah, your friends are nice.

They like you.

I mean, they like that you make fun of me.

Oh, I wasn't...

- Um, I-I didn't mean to... - Oh.

No, no, it's okay.

You know, there's actually...

I've been meaning to talk to you about something,

something I should've talked to you about sooner.

Okay. Uh, good.

I just feel like you are so talented,

and my friend here in London has an architecture firm

and is looking for someone, and...

Oh, my God.

What?

Uh...

I mean, I just... for a second there,

I actually thought that you were gonna apologize.

Apologize for what?

For last summer.

Well, I-I know... I mean, I mean,

I-I know I canceled last-minute, but you said it was fine.

Yeah, of course I said it was fine, Eloise.

That's what people say when things aren't fine.

Well, I tried to fly you out to visit me so we could talk, and then...

I'm so sorry I didn't want to sit in your fancy apartment

and cry on your expensive couch.

You know what? Never mind.

Never mind.

I have a job.

I'm not a damaged charity case.

I don't need your help.

I wasn't trying to...

♪ ♪- All right!

Onward!

♪ ♪

♪ On the chaise longue... ♪

Look what we got you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

This will be perfect for my wedding to Donald Trump Jr.

♪ On the chaise longue, all day long, on the chaise longue. ♪

Mm.

- Here you go, sir. - Thank you.

God, it feels good to be out.

Even if it is with you, whom I despise.

Huh.

You know, I never told you how sorry I was about Bill.

That's okay.

To be honest, things with us weren't great before he passed.

You're a very good woman, Donna.

I was a stupid man when we were married.

Finally agree on something.

But I haven't lost all of my charm, have I?

Henrique, you're so full of shit.

Does that stuff still work on your 25-year-olds?

Like you wouldn't believe.

Does it make you feel younger, getting all that young ass?

I guess, uh, just makes me feel...

I always liked new cars, you know?

But lately, just not so satisfying.

Oh, boo-hoo.

You're not buying any of my bull today, huh?

"Poor me. I fuck 22-year-olds.

I drive a fancy car. I've never felt an emotion in my life."

I have a hotel room.

All right. Okay.

Okay, all right.

Oh, my God.

Guys.

You got a yacht.

Oh, no, that's not our boat.

That's our boat.

Hell yeah!

Oh.

- Right. - ♪ She gets her nails done... ♪

Ladies, the river is cold, but it's plenty warm in here.

Right.

Whoa. Whoa.

This is your captain speaking, lovelies.

Rock and roll!

Now, first things first. I know where the beer's hiding.

Which one's facing the life sentence?

Yes, here. That one.

- She'll be needing one the most. - Whoa! -

Sorry, sweetheart.

I'm a better driver than thrower.

- Whoa. - Whoa.

I'm a better drinker than driver.

Sir, is there any way we can maybe make it less bumpy?

That's what she says to Ollie every night.

Hey! Feisty, this one.

"Just put it in and stay still."

That's me.

"Ollie, please stop.

I'm trying to organize my vegetable drawer."

I think that's about enough for now.

That's what she says to Ollie!

I do not feel well.

Sir, I do not feel well.

Want me to crank it, do ya?

No. Do not crank it.

That's what Eloise says to Ollie!

Alice, that's enough.

- Alice, that's enough. - What are you talking about?

- Alice, stop it. You're embarrassing. - I'm fine.

- Eloise, let go of my wrists. - Alice. Alice.

Oh, babe wrestling!

Oh, no.

Fuck! It's cold!

- Oh, no! - Eloise!

Help! -Oh, no!

Hang on, lovelies.

Too far!

Wait, is that a sausage in the water?

That's not what that is.

Oh, my God, where are my bottoms?

Do you follow cricket?

Yeah, of course, of course.

I know all the rules.

You hit the bibbity-bob with the picky-pike,

and then everybody says, "Good show!"

Oh, so you do watch.

Yeah.

To new adventures.

Hear, hear.

And to old, rich Englishmen who pick up the tab.

Did you just call me old, you little wanker?

I'm just saying, when I first met you, I thought you were Sherlock Holmes.

The cheek of it.

How dare you? Right.

I'm off to find Dr. Watson in the lavatory.

Mm, ah, you two sure seem to be getting along nicely.

- He's surprisingly nice. - Mm.

You know, it just makes me think.

Would it be so bad if something were to happen?

I don't know. It could be fun.

Wait, does he think that's what's gonna happen?

Well, I think he likes us.

Mm. What's say we finish these up

and head home for a little nightcap?

- Mm, yes. - Well, no, no!

I mean, not yet. Right?

We should keep this party train a-rockin', right?

Oh, splendid idea.

Well, why don't we wet our beaks with something a little stronger

and then hit that dance floor.

Oh, genius. I love to dance.

- You love to dance? - Yes.

Absolutely. You can't keep me away from a good beat, you know?

I love...

beats.

Especially...

dancing beats.

Let's go. Come on.

I'm game.

The kids can never know this happened.

Ah, yes.

I'm the Disney villain who destroyed the family, huh?

No.

The Sebastian the crab?

No.

He was not a villain.

I took a guess.

More like Pepé Le Pew.

You're still so beautiful.

No, I'm not.

I'm old, and my skin is loose, and I don't care anymore.

Check these out.

♪ Ding-da-da-ling, da-da-ling ♪

♪ Da-da-ling, da-ding-ding ♪

♪ Ding-da-da-ling, da-da-ling ♪

♪ Da-da-ling-ding-ding. ♪

You know, you might be dangerously fun now, Donna.

Yeah? Well, eat your heart out, baby.

Get back here.

♪ ♪

We'll just get cabs from here. Right, girls?

Yeah.

We're so sorry, Eloise.

We thought it would be fun.

I know.

I know. Let's just forget it, guys.

It was really nice of that man to give me his pants.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Really sorry.

See you both at the wedding.

Indeed.

Alice, before you go in, I just want to explain.

I knew you'd had a miscarriage, and I wanted to be there for you,

but I just couldn't do it because...

Can we just stop?

Let's just stop. It's too hard.

I'm...

sorry for how I acted today.

I just feel so put down by you all the time

that sometimes I can't control myself.

And I just really want to stop trying.

I'll come to the wedding, then I'll fuck off and go back to America,

and we can stop pretending like we're sisters

when the truth is we aren't even friends.

But, Alice, that's not what I want.

I know you're not used to hearing this, El, but...

most people don't get exactly what they want in life.

You really think I don't know that?

Yeah, I really think you don't.

♪ So will you stay? ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm, oh, so sick of this place ♪

♪ Feeling way too big and... ♪

Fuck. Fucking fuck!

♪ London is lonely without you ♪

Hi. It's Alice.

♪ I'm in the corner ♪

♪ Watching you kiss her ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I'm right over here ♪

♪ Why can't you see me? ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ And I'm giving it my all... ♪

Am I on fire?! Am I on fire?! Am I on fire?!

I think we'd better get him home.

Or can we just leave him here?

You're a very bad man.

You have no idea.

Sweetie, come on. Let's go. Let's go.

- You're fine. - Oh, God.

Oh, home sweet home.

Oh, yes.

Well, I'm just saying, I think that we should count ourselves lucky

that the whole place didn't burn down.

- That's true. - I think so.

- Oh! - Dominic!

- Don't worry, don't worry. - Jesus!

Been meaning to smash that for ages.

Oh, God, that's probably more expensive than everything you own, Dom.

Yes, absolutely right.

Do park your tiny little bottom right down here.

Ooh, it's hot.

Isn't it?

Oh.

Uh...

Mmm.

Right there.

That feels good.

Oh, yeah.

♪ Well ♪

♪ Now ♪

♪ Relax, don't do it ♪

♪ When you want to go to it ♪

♪ Relax, don't do it ♪

♪ When you wanna come... ♪

Ow!

Ow.

Oh. Hi there.

Hi.

♪ Relax... ♪

Hi. Also, hi.

Hi.

Whoa. Okay.

Share, boys. Share.

There's enough to go around.

You like that?

- Yeah. - I'm asking him if he likes it.

What?

I said, do you like that?

No, you didn't. I s... well, I said, "Do you like that?"

- And then he was... - You know what?

I'll be right back.

Don't go anywhere.

♪ When you wanna come. ♪

- Ow. - You need to calm down.

This whole thing was your idea. Now I'm too into it?

Yeah, you need to be more thirsty but less thirsty.

I don't understand how to ride that line.

Just be a whore, Paul.

Snacks and lube!

- Oh, yeah, baby. - Are those chips?

Roast chicken and stuffing.

I'll go up on the couch, and, Paul, you get on all fours.

- Oh, great idea. - Oh, okay.

Sure.

All right, let me just help you out with these.

Oh. Okay.

Thank you. Ooh.

- Oh, okay. - There she goes!

- Mmm. Help yourself. - Oh.

- Do you have any dip? - Hmm.

I think I have some... some hummus.

And then of course baba ghanoush.

Oh, do you have any guac?

Mm, I'm bound to.

Uh, sorry, sorry to interrupt.

Am I a chips table right now?

Actually, Paul darling, they're called crisps.

- Okay, no, no. No, no, no, no. - Oh, sorry.

- No, no. I'm sorry. - Of course, sorry.

No.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

What are you moaning about? Nothing is happening.

I think I'm very drunk.

Oh, God. I have to pee.

Well, that was a bust.

We're all just too drunk.

We should've just gone home earlier when I wanted to.

Oh, I see. So it's my fault, then? I ruined this?

Actually, yeah.

All right, well, if you wouldn't mind.

No.

Not at all.

Good night.

♪ ♪

Jonathan isn't a rabbit, is he?

No.

Boyfriend?

Not really.

But if I tell you, you'll think I'm trash.

Well, actually, I saw you eat bacon off of the floor already,

so I know you're trash.

- Touché. - Yeah.

So how did you meet this rabbit?

- I'm his assistant. - Mm.

I was an architect... I mean, I... I am an architect,

but he's my boss.

Oh. Complicated.

It's worse.

Married boss. With a baby.

Mm, then he's trash.

What? No.

He's...

He's, like, this...

big CEO and...

I mean, he's nice and funny, and his wife is mean.

So you know her?

No, but I've seen her Instagram,

and it's, like, a lot of really bad wine jokes.

Oh.

Yeah, wow, she sounds like a monster.

Hey, you are supposed to be on my side here.

This is me being on your side and not the side of

some rich, powerful guy who's lying to two women just so he can fuck them both.

Well, it's over anyways now, so...

...just gonna go to this wedding by myself,

and my family will see that I really am the loser that they think I am.

I doubt they think you're a loser.

My sister does.

And she's right.

She's like Net-a-Porter,

and I'm like Nordstrom Rack.

Dot com.

Jesus.

I'm being serious.

Yeah, I know.

Like, I just pale in comparison, so...

Alice, when I first walked onto that plane and I saw that I got to sit next to you,

I couldn't believe my luck.

I thought I was gonna be stuck next to some creepy, gross businessman

who was just gonna fart his way across the Atlantic.

That would've been so cool for you.

Instead... instead, it was you,

this sassy, gorgeous woman.

Who are you?

Dennis.

Dennis Bottoms.

What?

- What, what? - Yeah, no, I shouldn't, I shouldn't have told you that.

Wait, wait, wait.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Your last name is Bottoms?

- I-I shouldn't have told you. - Oh, wow.

No, I... That was a mistake.

No, it's perfect.

- Oh, God. - Okay.

Well...

Mr. Bottoms...

Would you make me the happiest woman in the world

and come to my horrible sister's rehearsal dinner and wedding with me?

Okay, but I'm not putting out.

Dennis.

You and I both know that's not true.

♪ In the summer of '16 ♪

♪ Was it love or nicotine ♪

♪ That made us mellow on the 35? ♪

♪ It was penny paradise ♪

♪ Just a pretty likkle lie ♪

♪ And it hit me when I saw you ♪

♪ Hand in hand, Coldharbour Lane ♪

♪ Never take it easy on the PDA ♪

♪ I don't miss you, least not that way ♪

♪ But someone better want me like that someday... ♪

Look, I'm gonna chalk up what happened last night to the booze

so I can forgive you.

Oh, my God, what are you... Stop.

I feel awful about last night.

No, it's fine. I said I can forgive you.

Please stop crying.

Dominic, I wasn't apologizing.

I feel awful because you talked me into doing a stupid threesome.

You always talk me into shit,

like moving to Philly and-and taking that stupid job

and watching Project Runway after Tim and Heidi left.

It's still good.

And now a threesome.

There's nothing shameful about a threesome, okay?

Calm down.

I'm not ashamed.

I'm hurt, Dominic. I feel like I'm not enough for you.

I'm never enough for you.

And I try so hard.

God, I try so hard to impress you.

And you can't see me, you know?

Dominic, you can't see me!

- We can hear you. - England hates me!

I think I'd like to break up with you now.

Are you fucking kidding me?! You're breaking up with me?!

- Yes. - Oh, fuck.

I have feelings for Alcott,

and I'd like to explore them with my tongue.

Oh.

Sounds gorgeous, but, um, I'm actually kind of interested in Paul.

Oh, my G... That's so nice. That's so nice.

I mean, no. No, thank you, but that's so nice.

Well, that's weird.

Oh, my God!

I do beg your pardon. Uh, Dominic?

Yes. Do I know you?

It's Tom. We met the other night.

If you're thinking of a threesome, just fucking don't.

Oh, God.

So I'll just go grab the rest of my stuff and then you'll come get me?

Yeah. My sister arranged a car, which is probably a Bentley or something,

and we'll ride with my mom and my brother, who are a mess.

And my brother's boyfriend Dominic, who's a turd.

I can't wait to meet my future in-laws.

Oh, my God.

"Love you"?

Everything okay?

I just got a text from...

...um, my sister, who is awful,

and she said that I cannot have a plus-one to the rehearsal dinner or the wedding.

Oh. Wow.

- Really? - Yeah.

She's the worst.

So what time's Jonathan getting in?

- No, uh, it's not... it-it wasn't... - No, please don't.

D-Don't. Uh...

It's okay. I get it.

You know, Alice...

...first you were mean to me,

then you were super drunk,

then you slept with me, then you stole all of my pancakes,

pretended that your married lover was a rabbit,

turned me down for some rich asshole who's banging you on the side,

then drew me back in, invited me to your sister's wedding,

then ditched me for a rabbit again.

And despite that...

...I really like you.

Because you have literally everything that any sane, decent man could ever want.

You are smart and funny and beautiful and nice.

Occasionally.

But you don't want a sane, decent man.

You want someone who makes you feel like shit.

Because you think you are shit.

That's really sad.

Wow.

You should, like, put that on a coffee mug or something.

Come on, Alice.

We both know that's way too long to put on a mug.

Good luck with your discount Mark Zuckerberg motherfucker, Alice.

Hope it's worth it.

♪ I know I fucked up ♪

♪ I'm just a loser ♪

♪ Shouldn't be with ya ♪

♪ Guess I'm a quitter ♪

♪ While you're out there drinking ♪

♪ I'm just here thinking ♪

♪ 'Bout where I should've been ♪

♪ Water pouring down from the ceiling ♪

♪ I knew this would happen ♪

♪ Still hard to believe it ♪

♪ Maybe I'm dramatic ♪

♪ I don't wanna seem it ♪

♪ I don't wanna panic ♪

♪ I'm a sad girl in this big world ♪

♪ It's a mad world ♪

♪ All of my friends know... ♪

Oh, my God.

You slept with him.

I did not.

I knew there would be some sort of weird hookup at the wedding,

but I didn't think it would be you and Papa.

Eloise...

Hi, Paulie.

- Hi, Dominic. - Not now, Mom.

I got it. I got it.

- Okay. - Thank you.

Why are you wearing this silken romper for our road trip?

She slept with my dad.

What?

It's more complicated than that.

Why is Dominic just standing there?

We broke up.

- Good. - Good?

- Do you want me to give you a hug? - No, absolutely not.

So I take it we won't be seeing you at the wedding, then, Dominic?

Oh, I'm afraid not, but it was wonderful to meet you, Eloise.

You're very beautiful, so congratulations on that.

Unbelievable.

- Good luck to you, Dominic. - Oh.

You'll need it if you think you'll ever find anyone as wonderful as my brother

who will put up with a deeply embarrassing twat like you ever again,

you small, sad man.

Fuck off, Dominic!

Look, Eloise...

Nope. Not getting into it now.

I'm in my zen wedding place.

Ta-ta.

Paul, what happened?

I don't really feel like telling you about it, okay?

I'm trying to figure out whether I'm gonna get on Grindr or not.

Oh, I think you should take a moment and just...

Is this us?

Oh. It's gonna be a long ride.

Oh, God. Why don't you change out of your sex clothes.

Good I... good idea.

♪ ♪

- Well, this is nice. - Oh, please.

Paul, move your knee 'cause it's right in my back.

Okay, I don't have a lot of room to work with.

I'm so glad Jonathan's meeting us there because he never would've fit in this car.

I-I for one am actually really disappointed that he's not with us,

and also separately, who is Jonathan, and what the fuck are you talking about?

I think he's Alice's boyfriend, Paul.

Mom, if Alice had a boyfriend, I would know, okay?

We're very close.

Isn't Jonathan your boss?

- Alice! - Sorry, sorry, sorry.

- Alice, watch the road. - Sorry.

You know, honey, it's never a good idea to date your boss.

- Mom... - Mm-hmm, yeah, it's a much better idea

- to date your ex-husband who ruined your life. - Paul.

I know you're upset right now because of Dominic, but...

A-Alice. Oh! -Oh!

- Sorry, sorry. - Do you want me to drive?

Yeah, right. You're still hungover.

- I'm okay for right now. - Are you sure?

Yes, I'm okay for right now.

- Don't, Paul. No. -Oh! What? Come on. - I don't want to die today.

- I'm so sorry. I will text him for you. - No. No.

Wait a second, isn't your boss married?

Why would you not tell me you're dating your married boss?

Why would you not tell me that you and Dominic were on the rocks?

Al-Al-Alice, the-the road.

- Watch! - The road!

Sorry. -Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Actually, can we pull over?

Can we please, can we please pull over?

My God, you kids still barf a lot.

- Let's just all calm down and try to have a peaceful ride. - Ooh.

Okay?

Oh, my God.

- What in the world is that? - That's a cow.

Oh, my God. Is it okay?

Hello. I-I'm sorry.

- I think we... Is this your cow? - Is it okay?

♪ At last ♪

♪ My love has come along ♪

♪ My lonely days ♪

- Eloise, can I just grab you? - Save me.

♪ Are over ♪

♪ And life is like a song ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah... ♪

Mm.

- Oh! Oh. - Oh. Oh. -Oh.

Hello, Paul.

Well, 'ello, gov'na.

Fancy a crumpet?

I'm just kidding.

I'm kidding, you guys.

Uh, Paul, these are my parents, Marjory and Frederic.

This is Paul, Eloise's brother.

Well, half brother.

Um, and as you can see, I'm flying solo, because I was dumped yesterday.

Yes, of course. Very sorry to hear about you and Dominic.

Well, turns out, Marj and Fred, I'm pretty terrible at threesomes.

Know what I mean?

Aren't we all?

Well, I was more than willing, is the thing, you know?

I was down to clown, as the kids say.

So on my hands and knees, really sort of arching,

um, and Alcott comes in...

That was our third, the sort of special guest star, if you will...

And he decided that he was feeling a little bit snacky.

- Um... - Would you excuse us for just one moment?

Rude.

Well, now, what do you suppose happened next?

After the other young man got snacky?

Uh...

This is my only nice suit. God.

- What is your bloody problem? - Oh, I'm so sorry.

Was I getting a little too real for you?

You just told my future in-laws about your failed threesome at my rehearsal dinner,

so, yes, it was a little too much for me today, Paul.

- Uh, sorry. Sorry. - Come on, Eloise.

It doesn't matter what I say, okay?

You liked me when I was a little baby that you could boss around,

and now you don't, you don't want any part of

actual, real, messy, grown-up Paul, okay?

I'm very sorry that I can't be this gorgeous, classy, stuck-up adult like you.

Oh, you're being such an ass.

Oh, really? I'm being an ass? Am I really?

Well, at least I didn't leave my own sister high and dry

after her boyfriend abandoned her because she had a miscarriage

that he blamed on her.

What are you talking about?

He blamed her? That's why they split up?

Yeah, and I flew out there and visited her, okay?

I used my miles.

And I get it, okay? I get it.

Hey, why would you want to spend any time with us, right?

You were always the beautiful, wanted child,

and we were just Mom's second, less lovable family.

Now Mom is throwing herself at Henrique like some desperate teenager.

Jesus Christ. Ugh, God.

I'm so, so thankful that my dad is too dead to see any of this.

Well, I hate to break it to you, Paul,

but your father was an ass, too, just like mine.

I guess it's sort of Mum's type.

Okay. You have no right to talk about my dad like that.

He was a wonderful man, and he loved me, and I've been lost without him.

What can you possibly still need to get?!

Oh, sorry, just this. It's cake.

Oh, God, Paul, you're so off base.

The truth is,

when you came out to your parents, Bill couldn't handle it.

He said he thought it was disgusting,

and Mum told him she would leave him if he ever made you feel

even the slightest bit unloved or unaccepted.

She protected you from him, even after he died,

and you've been nothing but awful to her ever since.

- That's not true. - It is.

No, he said that, he s-said that he was fine with it.

He said that he loved me no matter what.

- He told me that. - Mum made him say that.

No, she did... No, you're just m... You're making things up.

I wish I were, Paul.

Mum loves you.

She was a fucking warrior for you.

Paul!

You all right, mate?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm okay, thank you.

Yeah, okay.

Wait, if you have a chance, could you just bring some of those

- little cheese puffy things? - Yeah, okay.

And maybe just, like, a little white wine.

- Sure. - Okay, but not chardonnay.

That... yes, well, okay.

Thanks, everyone, for coming tonight to witness this woman

making the biggest mistake of her life.

I met Eloise at the polo club, and when I told my brother

I'd just seen the most beautiful girl in the world,

he thought I was talking about one of the horses.

Thankfully, a similar mix-up has not occurred here today.

You!

- Alice. - No.

I mean, yes, I-I'm me, but...

Hi. Marissa, welcome.

Don't try to be cute right now.

Why don't, uh, let... why don't you and I go outside?

No, no. I-I actually think maybe it could be fun for everybody here

to know that this person...

And I use that word very loosely...

Has been fucking my husband...

...while I have been home nursing a baby

who just vampires the life force out of me...

Marissa, I'm sorry. Jonathan said that...

And I'm supposed to only blame him for all of this, right?

Wrong. You're a woman.

- Okay. - You should've known better.

You know how this feels.

Uh, why don't we just go outside,

- and we can talk and... - No. No.

I am so tired of talking

to therapists and to sleep experts

and to my dumb piece of shit husband!

I'm divorcing Jonathan!

Yes. I mean, I-I think you should 'cause we...

He screwed both of us over, and we're the victims here.

But first I'm gonna fistfight you.

Get back here, Strawberry Shortcake.

I haven't slept in four days.

- I'm invincible! - Stop this. Alice, stop this.

How am I supposed to stop it?

Paul, are you peeing on my feet?!

Uh, je m'appelle yes.

- Merde! - What? Hey! Hey!

Get 'em up! Get 'em up!

- Can you call security, please? - Don't call security!

Sorry.

- Paul! - Oh, my God.

Oh, shit.

Alice, I'm gonna fuck you up!

- No. - Alice, who's that lady?

No.

Oh.

- Oh. - Stop.

Stop. Marissa.

Oh, hell no.

Oh, um, Mum, no!

Get her, Mom!

Mom, no biting! No biting!

Are... are you having a stroke?

I mean, do you think this is funny?

I do. I mean, kind of, yes.

Mom, you bit someone.

I did.

And I don't know what kind of lotion she uses,

but it was honestly kind of pleasant.

She did smell amazing, so I'm not shocked that she tasted good.

You guys are so weird.

Oh, my God.

You know how at every wedding there are those people?

The people everyone talk about after.

The drunk uncle, the-the cousin who humps everyone on the dance floor.

Cousin Randy.

- Ew. - Every time.

We're those people this time.

We're those people.

Oh, savage, Mom.

Ouch.

Hey, Mom?

Mm, yes, Paulie?

I'm sorry that I've been such a terrible garbage heap of a son.

No, Paulie, you are wonderful.

I just can't believe that Dad...

I know, sweetie.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because you loved him.

And you felt that he loved you unconditionally,

and it's so rare to feel loved that way.

And I didn't want to destroy that.

And I'm sorry about Henrique

macking it on that floozy.

You know what?

It's fine.

Well, you deserve to be loved unconditionally, too.

I already am.

Ayo.

Oh.

Did my daughter Eloise come?

Yes.

So are we being released?

No.

But she left a note for you.

A-A note?

She wanted me to read it to you.

Well, no, we can just read it oursel...

Okay, you're gonna do it.

"Dear Mum, Alice and Paul,

I love you all, but I have changed your RSVPs for tomorrow to no."

Huh.

"All I've ever wanted was to feel like a part of this family

"instead of like a satellite spinning out in space all alone.

"I guess I thought maybe my wedding would be a chance to reconnect,

"but I see now that maybe we were never really connected.

"You have my promise:

From here on out, I'll stop trying so hard."

Well, that's a real shame, innit?

Don't like to see that, do you?

Family torn apart and whatnot.

♪ Yeah... ♪

Dennis, hi.

Thanks for coming.

Thanks for even answering my call.

Sorry, Alice, who is Dennis?

Dennis is...

He...

I'm no one.

Alice and I used to be friends.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

- He's cute. - Thank you, Dennis.

Hey, I am really sorry.

It's okay.

My big old, dumb, Midwestern heart will mend somehow.

I'll meet a simpler girl, like maybe a lady scarecrow.

Do you have those in Kansas?

Oh, yeah. Definitely do.

That him?

Yeah.

From his new phone, because Marissa had his old phone,

which is why I thought he was coming.

And never mind. You don't care.

No, no, this is riveting.

Please go on.

He says Marissa is leaving him, so we can finally be...

...together.

Sounds like a real dream come true.

Maybe someday you can punch his new mistress at her sister's rehearsal dinner.

Circle of life.

Thank you again.

And I can, um, Cash App you for the bail.

Okay.

My handle is Dennis underscore Bottoms.

S-So sorry. Bottoms?

Paul, not now. Come on.

Well, we'll always have Paddington.

He's a good bear.

See you, Alice.

Okay, who was that, now?

Just a really great guy who genuinely liked me and I completely fucked over.

Oh, there she is.

I'm doing great.

Hey. We're doing great.

Come on. Let's get you kids to bed.

I'm gonna tuck you in.

Donna.

Henrique.

I wanted to apologize.

Oh, really? What for?

For leading you on.

I didn't mean to ruin your life again.

Yeah, you know what, Henrique?

I think... I think I'm the one who owes you an apology.

I think I should apologize to you for ruining your life.

What are you talking about?

I'll tell you what I'm talking about.

I was your first love.

And I was a kind, good woman who honestly loved you, and you blew that.

And ever since then, you've been trying to fill the massive space that I left

with money and things and sex, and nothing, nothing has probably ever

felt as good or real or safe as having someone who actually cared.

And now, you know what, your life is almost over.

You got what, 15 years left?

One before some X-ray or scan comes back with a dark spot on it

and we're staring into the abyss?

So I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I showed you a glimpse of what life is like when you treat people well,

when you hold on to the tiny parcel of love you are given

and you say "thank you"

instead of throwing it into the street and screaming for more.

I'm sorry it was probably never as good for you again.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going in there by myself,

because I'm very, very tired.

So good night, Henrique.

♪ ♪

Ollie, you're not supposed to see me. It's bad luck.

I figured we got all the bad luck out of the way last night.

That's not funny.

I just... I don't want you to have any regrets.

They are your family.

I suppose.

I've never really belonged to them.

Well, you belong with me.

And we will have our own family together.

I'm just gonna go and make sure everything's set up and tip-top.

What color are these?

Oh, um, white?

They look cream.

Isn't that white?

Do you think snow and milk are the same color?

Yes?

No.

No, they are not.

I've got to go and get replacements for these.

It'll only take a minute.

Hello.

Martha.

I ordered 2,000 votives for my wedding, and I believe you sent the wrong color.

You see, I ordered white, and I received this.

- That looks white to me. - Does it?

Does it, Martha?

Because I'm pretty sure that's off-white, which literally means "not white."

And now I have 2,000 of those candles scattered all over the property

where I'm getting married, and it's not gonna be okay!

Help me, Martha.

You're the only one who can help.

Um, wh-why don't I go check in the back and see if we have some white ones.

Great.

We do have the votives in white.

Oh.

Oh, well, that's perfect.

We have 200 of them.

Two hundred?

I need 2,000.

Martha, I-I have to get out of here.

I-I can't breathe. I just...

Eloise.

Do you know, I was just popping in here to get a card for your wedding gift.

Not now, Tom!

Splendid.

Heading back to America in shame.

I finally know how Madonna felt after her Guy Ritchie divorce.

I know Eloise said not to come, but what if I went and stood at a distance?

- Mom. - No.

The police officer read us the whole addendum

that stated specifically not to do that.

I know. I know. I know.

- Ollie. - Eloise is missing.

Apparently, she had some sort of meltdown at a candle store and then ran away.

I have no idea where she could be.

Really? Taco Bell?

Yep. Her favorite.

Henrique would never let her go to one, so we went constantly when she visited.

She used to have all her birthday dinners there.

Wasn't as sad as it sounds.

Would you guys mind if I went in by myself just for a minute?

Can I have a nacho?

- Eloise, I don't... - Wait.

Before you talk, I get to talk.

Alice, I'm sorry about last summer.

Paul told me.

About Andrew abandoning you after the miscarriage.

I promise I had no idea because...

I know, because I didn't tell you.

And I hated you for it, and it wasn't your fault.

There's a little more to it than that, though, too.

I...

What, El? What is it?

Shortly before I was going to come,

I found out that I can't have any children.

Ever.

I tried to get on that plane to come and see you, but I... I just...

I couldn't.

You know, growing up,

compared to you guys, I had this kind of half life.

And in my heart, I always thought,

"Well, I'll have a family of my own someday, and we will be connected."

Truly connected.

And in an instant, that dream was gone.

I'm really sorry.

It wasn't your fault.

No, I should have told you.

Instead, I just tried to make it up to you by upgrading your room

and trying to get you a job and...

Yeah, but those are nice things.

They're... really nice... things,

and I think I can just be an ungrateful dummy sometimes.

I haven't even told you the worst part.

Ollie doesn't know.

He doesn't know that I can't have children, and...

I've been lying to him, and he thinks I'm perfect.

And I know he won't love me

- once he actually knows me because... - That's not...

...it's only a matter of time before Ollie realizes

that all of this is just a show and that deep down, I'm just Doritos.

Okay, I'm not sure what you mean about the Doritos part

'cause they are a wonderful snack food and let's not be rude to them,

but, El, we love you.

Maybe too much.

We put you on a pedestal, and then we all just feel like such garbage around you

that we act terrible to get you to reject us,

and I'm only just now realizing what a fun bunch we are.

Alice, you deserve happiness.

Quit pushing it away.

You first.

You're my big sister.

You have to set a good example.

But you do need to tell Ollie

about the whole kid thing.

Okay.

I can go with you.

If... if you'd like that.

Okay.

Before you go, can you get me another gordita?

Um, regular or Double Cheesy?

Double Cheesy.

It's my big day.

♪ ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,

gays and theys, your bride.

Oh, Eloise.

You've never looked more beautiful.

Thanks, Mum.

I mean, it's just relentlessly unfair

you took all the good genes and you left us with the scrap.

Well, you did take all the wit.

I'm the only one with the correct toe lengths.

Why would you throw that in my face before a wedding?

Well, I'm just pointing it out.

Look at you. Look at you.

Look at all of you.

You're absolutely perfect.

My God.

You're the loves of my life.

I have spent too much time dwelling on the past

instead of thinking of all the good that's in front of us.

But no more.

And no more not talking to each other.

Okay? We need each other.

Yes.

No more satellites drifting around in space.

Come in. Come.

Come, come. Come hug.

Are we allowed to show this much emotion in the U.K.?

Oh, this is so fun and uncomfortable.

- Mwah. - I know, but let's just do it for one more minute, okay?

Okay.

- Bonjour! - Papa.

Uh, hello, Henrique.

Nice to see you again.

Um, I'm... I'm really sorry that I peed on your shoes

and punched you in the face.

In my defense, you have been a real jerk to my mother

on several occasions.

I have.

It's true. I'm sorry.

And what you said to me before is also true, Donna.

Merci.

Now, Eloise, are we ready to walk down the aisle?

♪ ♪

Ooh. Squeeze up. The Americans are coming. They're coming.

- Oh! - - Are you okay? Are you all right?

Come on, come on, don't worry...

Nice to see you.

Okay, okay, please hold it together, hold it together.

♪ ♪

Hello?

Yes.

I loved the pot gummies.

Yeah, you were right. Five was too many.

Oh, it was beautiful.

Hi.

Oh. Wow. Hi.

Um, sorry.

That I'm on your plane.

Um, but don't worry.

This time, I'm in coach with the rest of the riffraff and criminals.

Mm. The rabbit didn't pay for an upgrade?

Um, no, I-I broke up with the rabbit.

Oh, no.

I'm devastated.

Feel like that was sarcastic.

Well, uh, maybe I'll come visit you back there,

bring my extra dinner roll.

Oh, yeah?

Not for you to eat.

I'm just gonna throw it directly at your dumb, hot face.

- I deserve that. - Mm.

Watch out.

Once upon a time, there was a family again.

80 degrees in December is Los Angeles.

I did warn you, Paul. How's that wool sweater treating you?

- Well, it doesn't smell great. - But you look great.

You guys, I'm so glad we're here.

We missed you so much for Thanksgiving.

- You really didn't miss much. - Excuse me.

Mother, I love you, but you make a very dry turkey.

Well, that's what gravy's for.

Mom, that's not. It's supposed to be...

- Oh! Please, please. - Oh!

Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.

Hi, little bunny.

I cannot believe how quickly the adoption went through.

Look at how elegant this baby is.

Like, this is a classy baby.

And I bet she doesn't even poop.

She pooped all over the plane.

We briefly had to touch down in St. Louis.

No, you don't poop.

Give her here. Gimme, gimme, gimme.

Look how perfect she is.

I just know if I have a baby, it's gonna be one of the sloppy ones.

Nonsense. It'll be a Bottoms.

That's very noble.

Ho, ho, ho.

Ah!

I can't believe you did it.

No beard?

- No, it was itchy. I have a rash. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, everybody, I've got headbands here.

- Camp. I love it. - Everybody, grab a headband.

You're so extra, Mom.

I had to be. It's special.

Oh, no, no. Mom, Mom, can you switch with Alice?

I want to match.

Oh, sweetheart.

- Alice, give me your headband. - Okay.

Okay, everybody,

try not to sweat because I am not paying for retouching.

And they didn't live happily ever after

because, I mean, let's face it, sweetheart, we're all food for worms.

But they visited the mall and the Putt-Putt and the Taco Bell,

and the world kept on spinning.

This is so nice.

Oh, dear.

Oh, no.

Mom, this is supposed to make you happy.

I am happy.

I am.

Do you want me to start?

Yes. Okay.

And they made the best of it.

Okay, here we go.

Right up until the credits rolled.

♪ "Let the credits roll" ♪

♪ When the lights come on and they play that song ♪

♪ Saying it's time to let the curtains close ♪

♪ This ain't a coming-of-age anymore ♪

♪ So let the credits roll ♪

- ♪ I watch ♪ - ♪ I watch ♪

- ♪ A montage ♪ - ♪ A montage ♪

♪ Of moments I thought the world would end ♪

- ♪ Cut to ♪ - ♪ Cut to ♪

- ♪ Part two ♪ - ♪ Part two ♪

♪ I realized it was in my head ♪

♪ Brush my hair in the mirror, maybe I'll dye it blue ♪

♪ Heard the color is dated, but maybe dated is cool ♪

♪ It's the end of an era, I put my fist in the air ♪

♪ And then I look in the camera and tell 'em, "Let the credits roll" ♪

♪ When the lights come on and they play that song ♪

♪ Sayin' it's time to let the curtains close ♪

♪ This ain't a coming-of-age anymore ♪

♪ So let the credits roll ♪

♪ When the lights come on and they play that song ♪

♪ Sayin' it's time to let the curtains close ♪

♪ This ain't a coming-of-age anymore ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I know I've changed ♪

♪ Maybe you should go try it, too ♪

♪ I'm not the same ♪

♪ So don't expect what you're used to ♪

♪ Let the credits roll ♪

♪ When the lights come on and they play that song ♪

♪ Sayin' it's time to let the curtains close ♪

♪ This ain't a coming-of-age anymore ♪

♪ So let the credits roll. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪