Original subtitles

Previously onstargate: Sg—1

I want to know who this man is.

Ok, Martin, what's this about?

Who's he?

Murray.

Tanner: You stopped taking your medication, didn't you?

I'm not crazy, and you're not a psychiatrist!

I'm running out of Patience, and I really need to know.

What's that?

A mobile computing device.

I snuck it out of Tanner's bag.

It has multiple functions, see?

So, you gonna drug me again?

Ittriggered whati later realized

was a suppressed memory.

I'm not just interested in outer space.

I'm from outer space.

Early this morning, approximately 0230,

the kepler space probe captured this image

as it passed by Mars.

What is it?

Well, sir, at first the people down atjpl

thought it was an asteroid, but then they started

picking up some strange energy readings.

They tracked the object and realized

that it was changing course and accelerating.

Asteroids don't normally do that?

No, sir.

The only logical conclusion is that it's a ship

do we have any way of identifying it?

As a matter of fact, we do.

The energy signature is consistent

with a technology we've encountered before.

A year ago, we foundthis pod

buried in a field near billings, Montana.

Martin.

You mean the little guy with the pills and the glasses?

I thought his ship was destroyed.

No. He said they came down in a pod

after abandoning the ship.

He never said what happened to it after that.

Well, if it is his ship, we'd better talk to him,

because it's on a course for earth,

and it'll be here in 3 days.

Then we must locate Martin Lloyd immediately.

Hurry up, major! We need that forceshield!

I'm trying, sir, but something's nullifying

the electrolyte composite on the shield generator!

Try reversing the polarity!

It's not working!

What do you mean it's not working?

I mean it's not working!

God help us!

Director: And cut!

Break!

Bill: Ok, we're cut!

What? That was awful. We have to do it again.

Check the gate. We are moving on.

Print everything! Nice job, people!

Good moves, Shawn.

Um——uh——yeah!

Yeah! Uh——uh——grea —— Great job, everybody.

Uh... yeah!

TV show narrator: Prepare for an x—treme adventure.

4 x—cellent heroes

in an x—traordinary new sci—fi series!

Starring Nick marlowe as the wry colonel danning.

As a matter of fact,

it does say colonel on my uniform.

Hey, it's what I do.

TV show narrator: Yolanda Reese

as the brilliant major Stacey Monroe.

The positronic field emitters are off—line,

but I can compensate by generating a feedback loop

TV show narrator: Raymond gunne as Dr. Levant.

Damn it, colonel, just because they're aliens

and their skulls are transparent

doesn't mean that they don't have rights!

TV show narrator: And introducing Douglas Anders

as grell the robot.

TV show narrator: Coming this fall, only on—...

Well, that looked familiar.

I don't see it.

Martin's involved in this?

He sold the idea to the studio.

He is currently working on the production

as a creative consultant.

Then Martin Lloyd has seriously

breached your security.

Not necessarily.

What? He obviously gotthe whole thing

from his knowledge of the Stargate program.

Well, if the air force didn't want itto happen,

they wouldn't have let it go this far.

Hammond: Plausible deniability,

in the event of a future breach of security,

we'll be able to point to this television program.

That is, if it stays on the air.

That still doesn't change the fact

that Marty sold us out.

His motivations are of little concern at the moment.

Our first priority

is to find out everything he knows about that ship.

Colonel...

You're wormhole x—treme's new air force consultant.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Bigger,

much bigger.

Bill: Copy that. Ok, so tomorrow, we got 46 extras.

Make sure everybody's ready to go for that—...

Hair, make—up, wardrobe, costumes, and props.

Has the props show andtell happened yet?

Oh, man, he's gonna freak.

Excuse me. Do you know

where I can find a Martin Lloyd?

He's one of the bigwigs around here.

Copy that. Sorry?

Martin Lloyd.

Oh, yeah. Over there, by th e trailers.

Thank you.

Who's that guy?

Oh, they went with green.

Ok. It looks good. Great.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is that?

It's fruit. Scene 23.

Ok, scene 23 takes place on another planet.

So, you think aliens eat apples?

Why not? They speak English.

Get some kiwis and spray paint them red.

Ok, so now it'll go, uh,

"Nick walks into the garden of kiwi trees,

says, how like Eden this world is,

and bites into a painted kiwi."

Ok, um, you're the prop master right?

So you're a master of props.

So figure it out.

That's what you're wearing?

Ok. Looks good.

Martin? Yeah, yeah.

Can I help you?

Jack.

Colonel Jack O'Neill? United States air force?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're the new military technical advisor.

Listen, don't speak to the actors.

Martin, it's Jack.

Remember last year, billings, Montana?

I've never been to Montana,

but I am going to Sundance this year.

What about the name Tanner? Dr. Tanner?

Hammond? Carter?

Murray?

Sorry. Listen, I've got

a concept meeting in 10 minutes,

and if I'm not there on time,

well...

Well, they start without me.

But come back tomorrow,

and I'll show you around.

No. Look at my lips. Bigger.

Hammond: What have you got for us, colonel?

Well, here's news.

I think Martin's had his memory erased again.

He claims he doesn't remember me

or anything about last year.

Tanner and his boys must have gotten to him first.

O'Neill: Yeah, well, I checked out his trailer.

Didn't find any medication,

butthere are a lot of vitamins.

Hammond: Send in a sample for analysis.

In the meantime, keep an eye on Martin.

Yes, sir.

Sir, if Tanner and his men are involved,

colonel O'Neill could use some backup

I agree with you, major. You leave in one hour.

I can not thank you enough colonel.

It's been many bleems since my people

were enslaved by the minions of lord varlock.

H ey, it's what I do—...

Do——aw, this isn'tworking!

Director: Cut!

Bill: Ok, we're cut!

Nick, what's up?

This is supposed to be a love scene,

and we're walking through all these dead aliens!

All right, well, it's continuity.

You just killed them all.

Yeah, yeah. Well, can't—...

Can't we walk somewhere else?

Well, Nick, there is no somewhere else.

This is the planet we have, between here and here.

It's all the set there is.

And the reality of the scene dictates

thatthere be dead aliens

because you just killed them.

We could always go back to the way it was in the script.

No, we can't. We've already established

that one shot stuns and two shots kills.

Nickjust shot everybody twice.

So, 3 shots disintegrates them.

Ok, you know what?

I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that,

because that is quite possibly the stupidest thing

I have ever heard you say.

Why are you looking at me like I'm an idiot?

Why are you even on set? Go write something.

Ooh! What color is the beam from the ray gun?

We can't afford a beam. Sound effects.

It'll be great. You'll see. Reset.

Bill: Back to ones.

Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick. Gonna be in close up

the dead aliens will be below frame.

The audience is gonna knowthey're there.

Ok. Kill the dead aliens.

Aliens off the set.

Bill: Aliens off the set.

I said, aliens off the set!

Hey, it's what I do.

It's what I do.

It's what I do.

You're the new military advisor?

Yes, sir.

You're the real deal, huh? You seen action?

That would be classified.

Oh, I like that.

Sorta like a "yes," but really a "no."

This is realistic, right?

The uniform? Camouflage?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. You don't want to be

atarget out there in space.

That's exactly what I said,

so why aren't the aliens ever in camouflage?

Oh, I fought for that, uh, Nick,

but the studio wants the aliens seen.

An alien wouldn't want to be seen, Martin.Think.

Maybe that's why th ey're dead.

That helps me. Thanks.

Can we do this? Doing this.

The "x" ——I know what you're thinking.

Um, it's a marketing thing.

You see, iwanted to call the show

going to other planets,

but research says that shows with "x" in the name

get higher ratings. Ah.

Aaaaaaaaan d action!

Bob: The ship's on schedule.

Preparations for departure are almost complete.

There's only one problem.

This is gonna complicate matters.

Very well.

You have my authorization to begin surveillance.

Keep a low profile, major.

We don't want to show our hand.

Dr. Fraiser.

Surveillance on Martin Lloyd, I assume?

His house, actually. To help determine

if Martin's old friends have returned.

Tanner.

The idea is to determine

if Tanner and the other aliens

have been watching Martin.

Major Carter and Dr. Jackson

will try to intercept frequencies

being broadcast from inside his house.

Oh, so like a surveillance surveillance.

In a manner of speaking.

Are those the test results

from the vitamins colonel O'Neill found

in Martin's trailer?

Yes, sir.

They contain a significant amount of the chemical

that Tanner used to block Martin's memory before.

Which confirms what we already suspected.

Mmm—hmm.

The question is,

what do they want Martin to forget?

Excuse me.

Director: No, no, because it undermines

my authority, that's why.

Guys.

Ah, miss Reese.

Uh, I'm having a little trouble with scene 27.

It says that I'm out of phase,

which means that I can pass my handthrough solid matter,

or I can walk th rough walls.

Yeah, yeah. 'Cause you're "out of phase."

Um, exactly.

So, how come I don't fall through the floor?

We're gonna have to get back to you on that one.

All right.

Hi.

Hi.

No takers?

This crew does not appear to enjoy

the traditional dishes of chulak.

Showbiz, huh?

Hey! What happened to all the donuts?

They were consumed by the drivers

before they retired to sleep

we wish to converse privately.

Leave us!

Carter and Daniel?

The investigation is ongoing.

Daniel: Are you sure

the signal's coming from inside Martin's house?

I've gone over the triangulation 3 times.

I just have to match the frequency.

Hold it, I've got something.

Daniel: Hidden cameras.

Carter: Just like last time.

Huh. Look, I know it says he's weightless in the script,

but look what happens

when I scratch out the word "weightless."

You see, he no longer becomes weightless.

He just becomes.

Ok, fine. Good.

But how else does colonel danning

get past the giant alien guard?

Why doesn't he just shoot him?

Who is this?

Colonel Jack O'Neill.

He's the new air force technical advisor.

He doesn't know he's not supposed to say anything yet.

You're telling me an air force officer can shoot a giant alien

without having to be weightless?

Sure, why not?

You know, I'd like to hear "sure, why not"

a little more around here.

Now, the spaceship in scene 53—...

We have to see the ship.

It's crucial to the episode.

We're gonna see it in their reactions.

It's like, "oh, my god, look atthat ship

it's indescribable."

All right, if you can do it for $5,000 less,

you can keep it in. Are we done?

I have a tee time.

Marty has a problem with a scene in act 3.

Oh, is that a fact, Marty?

You have 2—way travel through a wormhole.

So?

Martin: That's impossible.

Matter can only move

one way through an open wormhole.

The scene is scientifically unsound.

Ok, show of hands. Who here has won a cable ace award? Hmm?

Thank you.

Oh. Nice save

with the shooting the giant alien being.

Clever.

Billy, make it go.

Bill: Making it go, scene.

Back to one, folks.

Martin: You know, I am the creative consultant on this show,

which means that nothing should happen creatively

without me being consulted.

He consulted you. He just didn't listen.

You know what he worked on before this?

A show about atalking dog

who solves crimes.

So what if they had a hundred episodes?

Poochinsky.

Yes. Poochinsky.

Great show.

Hey, Marty, um...

What makes you so sure

matter can on ly travel

one way through a wormhole?

I don't know.

I must have read it somewhere.

Andthis secret government team

that goes to other plan ets,

where'd that come from?

Oh, it's based on a story I wrote last year,

and I couldn't get it published.

I was just about ready to give up,

and I got a call from the studio.

To tell you the truth,

I'm not even sure how they gottheir hands on it.

So you just made it up?

Never askawriter where he gets his ideas.

In truth, we don't know.

O'Neill.

Carter: Colonel, we were right.

Tanner and the others

have Martin under surveillance again.

It can't be a coincidence, sir.

It has to have something to do

with the arrival of that ship

all right, they may have tried to infiltrate the studio.

I'll see what I can dig up.

Billy: Fire in the hole!

Bigger!

What is it about the word "bigger"

that you don't understand?

The auditions are in that building over there.

I'm not auditioning. I'm with the air force.

Colonel Jack O'Neill.

Really.

Do you keep a record of everyone

who comes and goes through here?

It's for a security check.

One of our generals is doing a guest spot on the show.

It's a small but pivotal role.

I've gotthe license plates of every vehicle

that comes and goes through here on file.

Great. Would you mind

e—mailing them to that address?

Ok. Sure.

Thank you. I like the uniform.

Why would somebody with 2 phds become ateamster?

The money, I guess.

Wait a minute. This guy looks familiar.

You're right. That's one of Tanner's men.

Oh, according to this,

he's a production assistant

named Steve Austin.

Ithinkwe'd better pay Steve a little visit.

He's on his way up

copy.

Hello?

So, where the hell did he go?

Princess, I've seen a lot over the years—...

The crystal rivers of erridel,

the blue volcanoes of kashtorr rama,

even the starfires of grablax 6.

None of it compares to you.

What? Whose phone is that?

Director: Cut!

What was that? Who was that?

Tail slate!

I want a name!

It's me. Sorry to—...

No problem. I'm sure it's important.

Ok, that's lunch.

Let me show you something in my trailer.

O'Neill.

I don't know what happened, sir. We lost him.

One minute he was here, the next minute he was gone.

Yeah, they have a habit of doing that.

We do have one lead though.

Before he left, he made a quick phone call.

We traced it to a warehouse on the east side.

Bring backup this time.

Sir, we don't have a lot of time

before the ship enters orbit.

You'll have to confront Martin.

Yeah, I will.

Mmm.

Mmm.

You know, iwas thinking,

you know what this show needs?

A sexy female alien.

Yeah. Trust me.

Hey, Marty? Marty, you got a second?

Oh, well, now's not really a good time.

I'm supposed to have...

Ok, now's good.

"The colonel stood before

"the vertical pool of shimmering light,

"fascinated by the dancing ripples in the event horizon.

"What mysteries lay beyond this mystical portal,

what wonders awaited him and his band of stalwart cohorts?"

Pretty good, huh?

Damn good.

The only difference from the original story

is that there was

a fifth member of the team.

He was a han dsome, smooth—talking alien

who was stranded on earth

when his crew deserted him.

The producers made me cut that part out.

And you have no clue where you gotthis idea?

Well, like I said...

Martin, it's all true.

What are you talking about?

Wormholes.

Traveling to other plan ets.

It's all real.

I command a unit called sg—I.

It's the advanced team of a secret military operation.

We explore the universe

through a device called the Stargate.

The crew putyou up to this, didn't they?

Here's the kicker, Marty. You know all about it.

You've been th rough the Stargate.

Unfortunately, you've had your memory erased.

So, what, um, I'm a member of this sg—I?

No.

Then how do I know about it?

Because you're not just interested in outer space,

you're from outer space.

Is this a pitch?

Huh? Alien crash lands.

We have to find him before it's too late,

only his memory's been erased.

Martin. No, no, no.

It's not bad. If we just add a twist—...

I'm needed on the set.

Why don't you type up what you have,

and I'll take a look at the coverage on it.

Oh, no promises.

Perimeter's secure, major. Awaiting your orders.

Let's move in.

Move in. Move in.

Carter: Nobody move!

Drop your weapons! Drop them!

Lower your weapons!

You drop your weapons. Now.

I'm major Samantha Carter, United States air force.

And I'm agent Malcolm Barrett, n.I.D.

N.i.d.? Major, what the hell's going on here?

We've been set up.

Hello?

Someone paged me to stage 6?

Hello?

Hello?

Hey. Aah!

Marty, relax.

What's going on?

I guess the crew's just playing an affectionate prank

by paging me to a stage we're not shooting on.

It happens all the time.

It's out of respect, really.

Ha! Hey, n—n—nice one, guys.

All right, stay with me.

Hello, colonel.

Tanner, I presume?

Is he with you?

Tanner: Don't worry, Martin.

Everything will become clear in time.

Gentlemen, the colonel's weapon.

This is really bad.

Relax.

They're shooting the big finale this afternoon.

I have to be there.

Yeah, I can see howthat would be high on your list

of priorities right now.

Couldn'tyou have dealt with these guys

on you own? Did you have to drag me into it?

Marty. You are the reason we're here.

Oh, don't start

with that outer space stuff again.

Martin, the vitamins you've been taking are laced with a chemical

that's been suppressing your memory.

I had 'em analyzed.

Ok, fine. I'm an alien.

Whatever.

They are aliens, too. They're from your planet.

Ok, that is the stupidest act4 opening ever.

You should stick with the air force, colonel.

A writer you're not.

Hey, how go the travel plans?

Spaceship on time and all?

I only ask 'cause I care.

Uh, guys, I'm kind of out of the loop here.

But since iwork in the television business

and I don't really know anything,

I was wondering if you would consider, uh,

letting me go beca——oh.

I'm hoping that's your Insulin shot.

Honestly, needles make me kinda queasy.

Don't worry, Martin.

Just a little something to help you remember.

Uh, justtell me what you want me to remember,

and I'll remember it.

Uhh!

Yeah, yeah. We'll rewrite it.

It'll be great.

Let's go over this again, shall we?

You want a diagram? They led us straightto you.

The aliens?

Yes, the aliens. Please, Mr. Man in black,

don't pretend you don't know aboutthe aliens.

Now we can't get a hold of colonel O'Neill.

We have to go to the set

and figure out what's going on.

No. You're not going anywhere.

The n.I.D.'S been given full authority

over this investigation.

O'Neill.

Teal'c.

How'd you find us?

I witn essed your abduction from the studio.

Where's Tanner?

He and his men have once again disappeared.

The real money's in syndication.

Martin.

Martin, come on.

If you want to have lunch, just call my assistant.

Marty!

Colonel O'Neill?

Murray.

You remember?

Yeah.

The antidote worked.

I remember everything now.

Marty, what happened?

Why'd they drug you again?

They didn't.

I did it to myself.

For what reason?

When we went back to my planet

and we saw that it was gone,

I couldn't handle it.

And the real estate job the air force got me was driving me crazy.

I just wanted to forget everything.

You were just gonna keep taking pills

for the rest of your life?

Another month, and the long—term memory loss

would have been permanent.

Oh, no.

What is the matter, Martin Lloyd?

Wormhole x—treme. The show is based on your Stargate program.

Don't worry. It's on cable.

So, why'd they bring you out of it?

Why now?

The ship's coming.

We put it on atimer.

Sort of a backup plan in case things didn't go right here.

Why do they need you?

I still have the mobile computing device

I stole from Tanner.

They need it to access the ship.

Where is it?

Don't worry. It's in a safe place.

Bill: And rolling.

Man: Sound, speed.

Where's this from?

Standing with the quatra scanner.

I don't have the scanner.

Bill: Cut!

Don't stop rolling.

Man: Still speeding.

Kenny, run, you underpaid below—th e—line freak!

Billy, roll right now!

Roll!

Man: Speed. Speeding.

Kenny, I love you, but you're not in this scene.

Out! Billy.

Roll!

Man: Speed, speed. Speeding.

Action.

It has to be here somewhere.

You used a real alien device

as a prop on the show?

Well, I'd forgotten what it was at the time.

Besides, do you have any idea

what it costs to make one of these things?

Can I help you?

We're looking for the quatra scanner.

Uh—huh. It's at the location.

What? Why?

Somebody put it in the scene at the last minute.

How come?

I don't know. I just do my job, man.

Let's go.

Murray.

Yeah. Get me agent Barrett.

All right, good work.

Let's go, guys. We got 'em.

You two stay here.

What?

We wantthis ship it's too important.

Frankly, I don'ttrust either one of you.

Agent Smith, watch over these two

and make sure they don't move.

Let's go, guys.

Murray, look around.

Marty, you're with me.

I'm picking up the same low—level gamma radiation

we came across in the photon belt.

Well, that doesn't make sense.

I mean, those aliens couldn't have just disappeared,

could they have?

Director: Andturn, turn.

Doug?

Cut. Perfect.

And tail slate.

Good. And, Doug,

you were supposed to turn to me, remember?

Ok, print everything. Moving on.

Good scene. Thanks.

You really nailed it.

Let me take this stuff for you.

Oops. There you go.

Yellow.

Let's go.

No, no, wait.

They're just about to shootthe big finish.

Too bad.

I'm not leaving, colonel.

Ok, maybe I am.

You can control the ship from here with this?

Uh, maybe, but do I have to?

Yes, Marty, you—...

You can hand me the device, colonel.

Well, this is getting old.

Lower your weapons.

Looks like we have a situation.

You know, guys, you can walk away from this.

We're not going to come after you.

What about your friends at the n.I.D.?

No more hiding. Where's the device?

What device?

Colonel, we let you escape

because we knew Martin would lead you right to it.

That's me. Mind if I...

O'Neill.

Sir, it's me.

Hey, Carter, how you doing?

The n.I.D. Have made your position.

They'll be there any minute.

Everything all right?

It is now.

I'll be in touch.

Time's up, guys. The n.I.D.'S on its way.

Look.

They're too late.

I'm ok, Murray.

We should return to the star portal

before the aliens return.

What? What? I haven't finished

translating the alien text.

Grell, what do you think?

What the hell is that?

Is——is that ours?

Keep rolling. Keep rolling.

Yeah, keep rolling. Pan around, you monkeys.

Man: What is it?

Hey, what's this about?

I'm supposed to be in all the cool scenes.

Tilt up, tilt up!

Colonel, please.

You know as well as I do

they're never going to leave us alone.

There's nothing for us here.

It's time for us to go.

You officially owe me one.

What about Martin?

I believe Martin Lloyd has chosen a new path.

We're going to win an Emmy for this.

Visual effects category.

Thank you, colonel.

We won't forget this.

Cut it! Print it! That's a wrap!

Yeah, cut.

Cool special effect.

I've seen better.

Aw, we'll fix it in post.

Yeah.

So, you think we can get 18 in?

Yeah, if we cut back on the mole rings.

You thinkthat's funny?

Yeah, that's good enough for a walk away.

When's a good time to fade out?

Ah, right about...

Now.

Narrator: Stay tuned

for a special behindthe scenes look

atwormhole x—treme.

I'm Christian bocher.

I'm portraying the character of Raymond gunne,

who portrays the character of Dr. Levant,

which is based on the character Daniel Jackson

portrayed by the actor Michael shanks,

originally portrayed by the actor James spader

in the feature film.

Are you ok?

Director: Action!

Look out!

Aah!

Aah! Ohh!

Ooh! Aah!

Director: And cut!

No, no, no.

Are you ok? Are you ok?

No, I'm not ok. You——you go.

Ice——can I get some ice?

All right, let's get some ice in here.

Andthis is the eye line.

Wormhole x—treme.

Enjoy the space. You can do anything with space.

You know, you got your space between your teeth,

the space—— personal space.

Right. Ok, so, you're standing here.

As a matter of fact, it does say colonel on my uniform.

You know, it doesn't say colonel.

Did anyone ever think of that?

Um, it's just a figure of speech.

Well, it's a figure of speech

that I can't figure out,

because I'm not seeing colonel on my uniform.

Director: Ok, somebody get me

the word "colonel."

Get me a sharpie pen.

Could it be here? Could it be here?

You realize this is not a real show, right?

What are you talking about? You're saying

that wormhole x—treme is not a real show?

We did all this—— all this is—...

Yeah, it's not a real show. It's a fake show.

Does my agent know about this?

You're heroic...

And just look over here atthis eye line over there.

This isn't a real show?

No, it's not a real show.

If it's not a real show,

then why are you telling me whatto do?

How could this not be a real show

if we're doing it right now?

Am I getting paid real money?

Yeah, you're getting paid real money.

Well, I—— whoa.

So, what plane of reality are we on right now?

Director: And we're heaving.

Hey, it's what I do.

And cut.

Are you sure you can't see

the difference in our height?

Can I get a half apple?

Ok, let's get a half apple.

I'm looking straight up her nose.

You don't have to hit me that hard, either.

Ithinkyou can really see the difference

between our height.

You——no. I don't. It's not obvious.

Look, look. I'm going to measure it.

I'm like——I'm like—...

But on this lens, it looks right. It's ok.

From this angle, it looks like we're the same height?

Yes. I swear to god.

You wouldn't lie to me?

I wouldn't lie to you.

How come I never get to kiss anybody?

Director: Well, it's—...

There's being episodes written for you

very soon.

Sure.

Director: Just one eyebrow.

No, justthe one.

Director: Andturn your back to me.

Turn all the way aroundto me

and do the annoying thing and then look back.

And action.

How could this not be a real show?

Ohh. Aw, forget it. Just cut.