Original subtitles

- Ray, could you get up and help me, please?

We gotta shampoo the rug before they come over tonight.

- Shampoo the rug?

It's Bernie and Linda.

I'm not even gonna shampoo myself.

- Well, when they pass out from your smell,

I want them to land on a clean rug, okay?

Come on, get up. Let's go.

- Come on, I'm tired.

I drove the kids to all their crap.

I'd like to sit down for a little while.

- Well, me too. Come on!

- Ow! Why do you always do this, huh?

Every time we have people over,

we spend all day making the fake house.

It's the way the house should be all the time.

- Yes, but it isn't, so actually it's like lying, huh, right?

Is that what you're about, lying to people?

- Could you just start clearing everything off the rug, please?

- I really don't see the need.

- Ray, I said help me!

- I don't see the need!

- So you're just gonna sit there while I do all the work?

- I had the kids the whole morning!

- Because I was cleaning!

- Well, stop it already!

- Ray, seriously, get up and help me.

- No. - Get up.

- No. - Ray.

- Listen, you know what you don't understand?

I work hard all day. I got a lot of stress.

I come home and I'm--

Oh, yeah!

Ha ha ha!

Yeah!

- Wow, Debra, what a meal.

- Louder, so they can hear it across the street.

- How about that rug? Clean, though, huh?

That's the most important thing.

- Well, it's great to finally see you guys.

- Yeah, I know. It's been so long.

- We're stuck at home a lot.

Benjamin burns through baby sitters pretty quick.

- You know, he's just-- he's spirited.

- I'm afraid of him.

- Oh, Bernie, don't exaggerate.

- I'm not exaggerating.

You see, you minimize my feelings.

This is what Pamela was talking about.

- You know what? You're right.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- Who's Pamela?

- Oh, our therapist.

- Therapist?

What, you mean like a marriage counselor?

- Yeah, we've been going for about a month now.

We really had to do something.

We were starting to fight a lot.

- Huh.

Who wants coffee?

- So is it helping?

- Oh, you wouldn't believe the difference.

- Really?

How about some drinks, put on some music?

- You know, it's so great to be able

to take our fights to a third party.

- Yeah, now I've actually won a few.

Of course, it's not about winning.

- Pamela's trying to help us understand

the deeper reasons why we fight.

- That is so important, because--

- whoa! Whoops!

Dropped a cup.

It's my favorite,

so how about a moment of silence?

- I'll help you.

- Anyway, I really think we're communicating better.

No, really, because I used to try to discuss something,

in front of the computer, like, "uhh...It's glowing."

- Well, I guess that's just an instinctive response

to the yelling.

- Well, you know, if I am yelling,

it's just probably 'cause I've asked him already

to turn the thing off like ten times.

- So Pamela's been great.

- Yeah, it's really great.

- I'm sorry, honey.

I was just being kind of, uh, passive-aggressive.

- You know what? I started it.

I started it with my little hidden agenda

about the computer and...

- Wow.

- Well, obviously we still have a little work to do.

- No, but the important thing is you're doing it.

That's fantas--

- I don't want to go to counseling!

- I know that after what Bernie and Linda said that--

- you think I want us to go to counseling?

- What? You don't?

- Do you think we should go because of Bernie and Linda?

- What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I just--I just thought, you know,

'cause they had their little thing tonight

and after they were all huggy and kissy...

But that's only because they're different from us.

Their fight was about the computer.

Ours was about the TV.

And the TV has been around for years.

So that's very different.

- We're going to counseling.

- No!

- I already got Pamela's number from Linda.

- I don't want to go to counseling!

- Ray, we fight all the time.

- No, not fights.

Tiffs, little tiffs.

Sweetie pie, baby...

Skinny girl!

Come on. No, no counseling.

- What would be so terrible about it?

- Everything.

What do you think's gonna happen, we're gonna go,

and the next day we're gonna grow wings

and fly around giving each other foot massages?

- It's just getting a little help.

- We don't need help.

- Why don't we let Pamela decide that?

- Oh, yeah, and then there's that.

Hmm...Pamela...

Wonder whose side she's gonna be on?

- Okay, so we can go to a man.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, right.

"Oh, you understand me so much better than my husband."

- And you don't need therapy.

- Look, all these therapist people want to do

is get you to cry.

- don't you want to find the deeper reasons

why we fight?

don't you want to have a healthier marriage?

- Not if I have to cry.

- It's not about that!

It's about trying to be happy.

- But we are happy! Look at us.

I love you.

- Get off of me. Get! Get off of me.

Listen, I am making an appointment for counseling,

because we are gonna do whatever it takes

to heal this marriage.

- Stupid marriage.

- So, ray and Debra,

how long have you two been married?

- Thirteen years.

- True. See? No argument there.

- And just generally speaking,

what made you decide to come here today?

- Um, well, this is something that's long overdue.

- Okay.

Well, then, Debra, why don't you start?

- Okay.

Um...

Well, I just feel that I work very hard

to keep the house up and running,

and I guess I feel, you know,

kind of unappreciated because...

I just...

- Here you go.

- Ray, how do you feel about what Debra's expressing?

- Uh...

I'm sorry.

- Okay.

Anything else?

Ray?

- Oh, still me? Okay.

Well, uh...

You know, I just want to say

that, I mean, I work hard too.

And, you know, I come home and I'm tired,

and I just...

I just...

I'm not gonna be able to cry like that.

- Pamela, could I just say something?

- Sure.

- Just as an example,

last week, ray came home late from golfing.

And I guess golf is kind of a hot-button issue with me,

and we had a fight.

- Ray, do you remember this?

- I do. I shot a 94.

- Go ahead, Debra.

- I had all the kids,

and I was expecting him home at 2:00,

and he didn't show up until 5:00.

And his explanation for why it took so long

was that his friend Gianni wanted to pet a deer.

Of the kind of thing that ray always does.

And I understand that we need time to ourselves,

but what really bothers me is that he doesn't seem

to want to take responsibility for anything.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

- Ray?

- She's right.

- What?

- She's totally right because, well...

I've been terribly insensitive with my golf.

I think I use golf

in a almost passive-aggressive way.

- Okay.

- But you know what's wrong with me?

I know it's a problem, I know I have to change,

but the next thing you know,

I'm back on the course again.

- But it sounds like you are willing

to look at your behavior, which is a very good start.

- Wait. What?

- But I gotta tell you, it's more than just the golf.

Debra is like a Saint.

You can't believe the things she has to put up with.

Once, I actually taped a football game

over our wedding video.

- Pamela, can I just--

- wait, hold on, hold on. Let's let ray get this out.

- It's probably the worst thing a husband can do, right?

All I could think of to fix it

was to arrange to have our wedding vows renewed.

- That's nice.

- I guess.

Actually, I think the whole thing ended

- Pamela, I think we're getting a little off track here.

I mean, this isn't exactly the ray I get at home, you know?

Right now he's the one being a Saint.

- Well, let's try to have the perspective

that neither one of us is a Saint, okay?

- Yeah, okay, sure.

- I'm sorry that I called her a Saint before.

Stupid!

- It's okay, Raymond. No, you're doing just fine.

Okay, now, you two obviously have issues to resolve,

but one thing to keep in mind

is that having occasional arguments is normal,

and it's even healthy.

So what we'll do is, we'll try to find out the deeper reasons

why you argue so that we can begin to change any--

any particularly harmful behavior.

- And one thing that you've got going for you here

is an attitude of cooperation.

Believe me, some partners have to be dragged into this

kicking and screaming.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- Pamela, I'm gonna do whatever it takes

to heal this marriage.

- Oh, my god. What did she say? Is there hope?

- I told you we should have said we went to a movie.

- Counseling, huh?

I came over as soon as I heard.

- So, Marie, are the kids asleep?

- Yes, and I'm gonna do my best

to make sure they remain untraumatized.

- I can't believe you two went to a shrink.

He's the one with the problems.

- Let's keep this on Raymond, shall we?

Personally, Deb, I think it's about time

that a neutral party be brought in

to set him straight on just how great he's got it.

- Well, that's not what happened,

because the Raymond we all know

disappeared as soon as we got there.

- What, what? What are you talking about?

- Oh, you were open and considerate

and willing to look at your own faults.

You made me sick!

- Excuse me, but I spent the whole time

saying "I'm sorry."

What more do you want?

- Oh, you are so full of it.

- Do you mind?

Listen.

- You manipulated the whole thing.

How do you expect to make any progress

if you go in there playing a character?

To get blamed for everything, and Pamela liked me.

- She didn't like you, 'cause you weren't there!

- What are you hiding, man? What's in there?

- Sounds to me like you did good, ray.

Name, rank, and serial number.

Never open up. Keep the enemy in the dark.

- You're an ignoramus.

If anybody ever opened you up, all they'd find is meat.

- No son of mine needs counseling,

except the big one.

- You didn't go in there to find out what's wrong with us.

You went in there to find out what's wrong with me.

You can figure it out yourself 'cause I'm not going back.

- Oh, yes, you are. - No, no way.

You heard her yourself. She said we were normal.

- She didn't say that. What room were you in?

Shouldn't you be worried about the deeper reasons

behind how you're reacting?

- I think you better worry about how I'm reacting.

- Harmful behavior! Harmful behavior!

- You're just a big phony, and you know it!

- Oh, I wish Pamela could see you now!

- Okay, okay, okay.

- All right. Come on, stop it, you two.

- I gotta say,

the counseling doesn't seem to be working.

- Now, I want you to sit down, and let's try to talk this out.

- Marie, I am not sitting down--

- please, Debra.

I may not be a certified therapist,

but I've been told by many people that I could be.

- That's not what they mean

when they say you're certifiable.

- I happen to be very good

at things relating to feelings.

I mean, I've been married for 45 years,

and if there's one thing I understand,

it's how awful a husband can be.

- Okay.

- Raymond.

- No, no, you're on her side.

Listen, Bernie and Linda came in

and they said they went to counseling,

and she got it in her head that we should go,

and we don't need to.

- Oh, poor Raymond.

Never learned how to get along with other human beings.

- Be quiet, Robbie.

- Yeah, shut up. - No, you shut up.

- Ass. - Ass!

- Quiet!

Debra, did you want to go to counseling

- no, of course not. I mean, look at how we fight.

The very morning they came over, we were fighting.

- And what do you fight about?

- About how nuts she goes cleaning when people come over.

All I want to do is relax for once and watch a little TV,

and she asked me to shampoo the rug.

- What?

You can't help out a little?

- What? You don't help out.

- Ass.

- Yes.

- Just to be clear,

when I want my home to look nice,

is there anything wrong with asking ray to help me?

- That's certainly valid.

And, Raymond, you of all people should know

that if you want your house to look nice,

Debra needs help.

- Listen, can't I sometimes watch a little TV?

I mean, what's wrong with that?

- Also valid.

And, Debra, it's important for you to keep in mind

that Raymond is a very hard worker

and sometimes needs to relax.

- Of course, but why is it such a battle

to get you to do anything?

- I don't know.

- That's why I want to go to counseling.

I don't think it's that you're just lazy.

I think there's a deeper reason behind this,

and if we could just figure it out,

- come on, you know me. There's not much deepness.

I just--I like to be taken care of.

- But you gotta understand, ray, that that's not a wife;

that's a mother.

- Well, maybe that's what I want.

- Holy crap!

- No, no, on the contrary, dad,

I think we've made quite a breakthrough.

- No. No, no.

- Oh, no, no, it's very simple, really.

You see, apparently the deep reasons

behind the fights

is that you wished you married your mother.

- That's not what I said.

- Yes, you did.

- Why would I say that?

- Raymond, Raymond,

there's nothing wrong in what you just said.

- Please stop, ma! Stop!

Listen, that's-- that's not what I meant to say.

Debra, could you call Pamela

and see if she has an opening for right now?

- Maybe she could move in.

- I think it's getting kind of late, everybody.

Ray, you want to go up?

- We should-- we should call Pamela, right?

- Uh, no, I think some things are better left unexplored.

- Because I'm sick. That's sick what I said.

- No, no. I think you are just lazy.

- You think so? That's it. Yeah, I'm a lazy guy.

- Sweet dreams.

You want mommy to tuck you in?

- Hey.

- Hey. What do you want?

- Ah, nothing.

I was just feeling a little guilty

over my laughing at your predicament yesterday.

- Well, you know, whatever.

I mean, Debra and I talked it out.

We're fine now.

And the truth is, it's good that you guys

acknowledged that you had a problem

and you took the right steps to deal with it.

Maybe I should have done that when I was married, huh?

- Hmm.

All right, well, thanks. Thanks, man.

- All right, look, I know you're feeling bad,

so I got you something.

Enjoy, you sick bastard.