Original subtitles

Housemates, report to the backyard.

Foxxy: the producers set up a badminton challenge

Between us and the original cast drawn together.

Prepared to be transformed into a bunch of losers.

All right, team, let's make these guys eat shuttlecock.

Hey, can we get this game going already?

All: ready!

I got it! All mine!

Ooh!

Interference. Xandir was totally offsides.

Do over. [grunts]

Dude, you're the worst athlete I've ever seen,

And I've been to, like, every special olympics.

There's this one guy, basically just a head on a spring,

And he's way better than you.

I can't help it. I can't do sports, ok?

There. Now you know my kryptonite--

Doing sports games.

Are you happy? I hate you all.

[sobbing]

Congratulations original cast drawn together.

For winning the badmitton game you'll receive a pound of ground beef

And a quarter cup of water.

Booyah! That's all I need!

Proceed to main title sequence.

Ah!

I suck.

Keep 'em coming.

I think you've had enough lemonade, mister.

I'll tell you when I've had enough lemonade, mister.

Just give me the whole damn lemon.

[grunts]

Mmmmmmmmm! Gg!

Hey, wooldoor, jump on.

Let's go do something cool.

I can't, spanky. It's Sunday.

You know, my special day to make lemonade

With my bestest friend clara.

Well, unless you're making lemonade on clara,

That's nothing special.

Hmm.

Yoo-hoo!

Hmm.

Ok, spanky.

Let's go.

We're off to the coolest place in all the land--

The mall.

Oh, you're beautiful.

What's your name, mister?

Oh, please.

I only chat with real men who know how to play sports.

[sobbing]

Shrek 2 was right.

What kind of man is bad at doing sports games?

Oh, lord, if there is a sport out there that I can master,

Please give me a sign.

Hey, y'all, who wants to sponsor me?

I'm walking in the aids walk next week.

It's per mile.

Walk? I can walk.

So you are gonna sponsor me?

You know it's per mile, right?

Hells, no, I won't be sponsoring you.

I'll be sponsoring me to win the aids walk.

The aids walk is not competition, asshole.

It's a charity, like not spitting on ugly people.

I gave at the office.

I'll practice night and day.

Before you know it, I'll do more walking and have more aids

Than you can possibly imagine.

You were right, spanky.

This is so much cooler than doing a lemonade stand.

But I don't have any money to buy this candy.

If you were really cool, you'd just steal it.

I can't do that. Why not?

'cause I'm right here and I can hear everything you're saying.

Don't listen to her, wooldoor.

Just slip the bag under your shirt and walk out.

She'll never know.

Yes, I will.

And so will the security guard.

Hey, how you doing, fella?

Who are you gonna listen to, wooldoor?

Me, your cool friend,

Or some filthy whore off the street?

I didn't know what to do.

I've never stolen anything in my life.

But spanky was pretty cool,

And she was a filthy, filthy whore.

[sobbing]

[sighs]

That'll be 2.46.

Can you break a 50?

[sobbing]

It's over.

Just drop the candy and step away from the ledge.

Please, mister. I didn't mean to do it.

I don't care.

I'm telling you, step away or the bitch gets it!

No! Don't do it!

I'm not gonna say it again!

Run! He's gonna kill me no matter what you do.

No, no, no. Don't do it. I give up.

Uh! [sobbing]

Take him away.

And now to tie up some loose ends.

[gunshot] [birds squawking]

I don't know how long I was trapped

In that mall security-slash- lost and found lounge.

It could've been 1 minute. It could've been 10.

Oh. Ooh.

[crunching]

Hey, you, uh, wooldoor sockbat?

Yes, mister.

Sign here and you can go.

Go? You mean... I'm being let out already?

Well, sure. All you did was steal some candy.

It's not like you chewed off someone's arm, testicles, and part of their face.

George, let him out.

Ok, you're free to go.

Hey, subplot, out of my way.

Main story coming through.

The aids walk was drawing near,

And I was determined to bring home the gold.

So I joined the most elite walking force

In the free world--

The mall walkers.

Wow. You guys are good.

I mean like "5-time world-walking champion

Jose 'daddy long legs' martinez" good.

Watch out!

You should go play badminton.

Go back to jogging, you homo.

Oh. Ok, you guys go on ahead.

I sucked at all sports games,

Even walking.

There was no way I could win the aids walk.

But then I saw something that gave me an idea.

Hey there, bub. I need the strongest stuff you've got.

Well, sir, we've got a terrific line of herbal supplements.

Herbal? What do I look like to you?

Some crazy wacko who'll put anything inside his body

And then take pictures of it coming out

And post them on his web site

Which gets over 10,000 hits a day, most of them in germany?

Do I? Do I?

Then I guess you wouldn't be interested in, uh,

Steroids.

Oh, I like to whisper, too.

My only problem is, I never know what to whisper.

So sometimes I just pretend, like this.

Psst-pss-psst-pss. Pss-psst-pss-psst.

Um...Uh, I'm gonna take that as a "yes."

Please, sir, walk this way.

If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need steroids.

Boo!

Dear fellas,

I can't believe how fast things move on the outside.

I saw an automobile once when I was a kid,

But now they're everywhere.

[gasps]

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

[rooster crowing]

The world went and got itself in a big damn hurry.

The parole board got me a job

Bagging groceries at the foodway.

It's hard work, and I try to keep up,

But my hands hurt most of the time.

I don't think the store manager likes me very much.

Hey, uh, boss, can I go to the potty? Please.

How many times do I have to tell you?

You ain't got to ask me.

Maybe an hour in the hole will teach you.

Life on the outside is just too much to handle.

I wish there was something I could grab on to

So things could be like they were before I went away.

The way they were with clara and our lemonade stand.

Why did you give him money? You know he's just gonna spend it on lemonade.

I started training with my new workout partner, mr. Steroids.

I must get stronger. Stronger!

I needed more steroids but I was out of money.

Luckily I soon found an easy source of cash.

Sponsor me! Sponsor me!

Ok. Here.

Take it.

Sponsor me!

Gwaa.

Sponsor me!

Sponsor me!

Ooh.

[grunting]

I didn't know what captain hero was up to,

So I needed to run some tests.

I was afraid of this.

Steroids.

Clara?

Wooldoor. When did you get out?

Clara, the only thing

That got me through my time in the mall security-slash- lost and found lounge

Was thinking about you and our lemonade stand.

Well, I, uh...

Evening, old-timer.

Oh. What? Wooldoor?

Huh?

[gasps]

Awkward!

Wooldoor, listen. I didn't know how long you'd be in--

How could you guys?

How could you?

[sobbing]

I feel so guilty.

Me too, poor wooldoor.

No, not about that.

I watered down one of the lemonade jugs with my piss.

If only I knew which one.

Foxxy: captain hero was in trouble.

So we decided to stage an intervention.

Everybody ready?

Oh, you must be here to see captain hero,

'cause you are a 12-year-old girl and a donkey.

Really? Matthew broderick and sarah jessica parker are here?

Hey, what gives?

Hero, we all know you're abusing steroids,

And we're worried about you.

We love you.

Anyway, addiction is dangerous,

Whether it's drugs or lottery tickets

Or super lotto or megaplay jackpot

Or triple scratch lot-- goddamn, I got to get some lottery tickets.

I'm gonna win big this time. I can feel it.

This is nonsense.

The only thing I'm addicted to is fighting crime,

Making lists of 3s...

Be that as it may, steroids cause cancer,

Kidney failure, heart problems, home run records.

And on occasion, they've been known to cause fits of rage.

Fits of rage? I'll show you fits of rage.

Agggh!

Listen, I know the gang's hearts were in the right place,

But surprising me with an intervention was just wrong.

Ahhhhh!

I mean ok, maybe I do have a bit of a problem,

But there's a right way and a wrong way to talk about these things.

Ya know?

[sighs] sometimes it can be such a drag living with roommates.

Agggh!

I don't need this place. I don't need any of you.

You're all dead to me.

Hoo-ha, hoo-ha.

Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Wah! Wah! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

[pop] [crowd cheering]

[organ plays "charge"]

The dude at the nutrition store

Gave me an address for this place I could go,

A place he said where I could be with people like myself.

Ah-ga-ga-ga-ga.

I have nowhere else to go.

My friends just don't get me.

I gets ya.

As long as you don't gets with me olive oyl.

She's my number-one goyl.

Get your skinny ass out there and earn, bitch.

Ooh, look at all the mus-cles.

I can hooks you up, cap'n.

I just scored some great roids from the jolly green giant.

Sweet.

You've got some creamed spinach on your cheek.

Oh. That's not spinach.

Ha-ha-ga-ga-ga!

[sobbing]

I was finally in a place where no one would judge me,

Except maybe judge fudge.

I'd never judge you, baby.

I'm far too busy being delicious.

Everyone had moved on without me.

There was no place in the modern world for wooldoor sockbat.

I had to get back to the only place that made any sense to me--

The mall security-slash- lost and found lounge.

Oops. That's not right.

Ahh. That's the stuff.

My best friend popeye and I

Were getting bigger than we ever imagined.

Soon we would become so powerful,

We'd rule the galaxy as father and son,

Which, unless I become completely misguided,

Is why I started taking steroids in the first place.

Nothing could stand in our way.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Both: ha ha ha ha ha!

[coughing]

Popeye, are you all right?

It's times you knew.

I've contracted the deadly aids virus

From sharing steroid needles.

Aids?

How come I've never heard of this aids?

They should have a walk or something to raise awareness.

[groans] get clean for me, cap'n.

[coughing]

¶ oh, I'm weaks at the finish ¶

¶ 'cause aids beats out spinach ¶

[coughing]

¶ I'm popeye the dying man ¶

¶ of aids ¶

Nooooooooo!

[birds squawking]

I should never have betrayed my dear friend wooldoor.

Wooldoor? Wooldoor?

So I went to his room to apologize,

And what I saw shocked me.

Goddamn it, I'm using the toilet.

[farts] but you can use the sink if you wanna.

Eww!

So after I took a grunt in the sink,

I went to wooldoor's room, and what I saw shocked me.

Oh, my god.

Wooldoor's planning to steal again.

I must stop him before he flushes his life down the sink.

It was zero hour,

Time to put "operation go back to mall security- slash-lost and found lounge

Into effect.

¶ da-da-da, da da da da ¶

¶ da da da-da-da, da da ba ba ba ¶

¶ da da ba ba ba ¶

¶ da da da doo-dum ¶

¶ da da da ba da da da da ba-bum ¶

Yahh!

Whee!

Attention. We have an ru486 in progress.

[cat screeches]

Whee!

[sobbing]

Clara: psst. Wooldoor. Up here.

We can escape through this vent.

No. I don't want your help.

Oh, wooldoor, I'm sorry I didn't wait for you.

You deserved better.

Oh, clara.

That's all I ever wanted to hear. Ah!

Go home, clara.

Forget about me.

Like you've forgotten the social advances of the last 40 years.

No, wooldoor. I promise I'll wait this time.

No matter how long it takes, I will wait.

Really? You know, it's gonna be like 20, 25 minutes.

I don't care if it's 28 minutes.

I'll be right here.

Oh, clara.

Clara, they let me out early for good behavior.

Eh...Clara?

Sorry, dude. She took off like 10 minutes ago.

Ahhhhhh!

No, no, no, no, no!

[gasps] hero, what are you doing here?

You are the second to last person

I ever thought I'd see again.

Oh, little timmy.

Mommy misses you.

I lost my way, housemates,

And for that, I'm truly sorry.

But I made a promise to a friend

As he lay dying in my hulking biceps

That I'd win this aids walk

And that I'd do it clean for him.

Oh, I'm so proud of you, hero.

You're like the son the courts will never allow me to have.

Ok, walkers, each lap around the park is 1 mile.

Let's have fun and raise some money for a great cause.

[grunts]

I'll make you proud, popeye.

Out of my way.

¶ winner takes it all ¶

¶ loser takes a fall ¶

Walk, hero. Walk like an eagle.

¶ winner takes it all ¶

¶ loser takes a fall ¶

¶ winner takes it all ¶

¶ loser takes a fall ¶

¶ in time you'll make it over the top ¶

I won. I won!

You dumb ass. Look what you did.

Didn't I tell you it was per mile?

Everyone's dead or wounded

Before they finished even one lap.

We won't raise a dime!

The aids walk is ruined!

I don't quite follow you.

But I get the gist of what you're saying, friend.

I thank you for your hearty congratulations,

And I accept your strange trophy

As a token of my impressive victory.

I did it, popeye.

I did it for you!

Who the hell is that asshole?

Toot-toot!

¶ fudge ¶

¶ he's the man ¶

¶ putting bad guys in the slammer ¶

¶ rules the street ¶

¶ with a sweet milky fist of justice ¶

¶ he don't eat krispies or nuts ¶

Hell, no.

¶ 'cause he's got ball-all-all-alls ¶

Woman: judge fudge, my son is being mauled by a polar bear.

Help me, help me, please!

Sorry, baby.

I don't have time to save your son.

I'm far too busy being delicious.

Fudge.

Captioned by the national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--