Original subtitles

Hugo!

Hugo, it's bedtime.

What are you drawing?

- Let me see. - No, it's a secret.

Let me just have a look, please.

Well done.

I'm cursed. You're cursed.

We are both cursed.

- Do you want me to come with you? - Where's Shun? - What?

It doesn't matter, I think he's got my toothbrush. I'll see you there.

OK, I'll be right behind you!

- Mum, I can't drive! - Just back it out!

Argh!

- Oi, don't throw it out! - Argh!

- George what are you doing? - It keeps the skin sterile.

I'm like a big packed lunch.

- Come on, Barry, we need to go. - Such hot cheese!

- Toothbrush, pyjama. - See what I can do about the stench.

- Shun, you stay here and tidy up, please! - Hello?

- Come on, cheese man. - Hi, Barbara.

Well, actually, they're going to the hospital right now.

- I think I've fucked the clutch. - Oh, thank you. - And the accelerator.

Hey, Donald, put the kettle down!

I was just going to make a flask of tea for everyone

- if we were still getting ready. - Are you eating?! - I need energy.

- Deborah, it's Barbara. - Fucking Barbara again! - She says it's urgent.

It's not as urgent as this, is it?

- No, Shun, get out! I'm driving. - Come on!

Nanna Grubb loved the damn diary of dreams

To the edge of the crack where the swamp water steamed

Such odious prose, such horrible sadness

Such terrible proof of Mr Grubb's madness

She clenched her claws round the cursed journal

And hurled it down to the pit infernal

That Mr Grubb's sorrow and fear and pain

Would never be heard of or witnessed again

Then a quick gust of wind caught the hem of her dress

And tossed the dear fossil straight over the edge.

The pages came free, one by one, all in sequence

And fluttered about, like a flock of mad secrets.

- No! - Turn around, please! Turn around. - No! I don't want to!

I can't just leave you here, can I?

Well, Daddy's never coming back, you piece of shit!

Hugo, you come back here! Come back here now! What's happened to you?

- So, you didn't notice anything unusual? - Is there something wrong?

It just seems like it was quite a hefty impact.

Yeah, that's probably because of the chair. Sorry, I forgot to say.

What chair?

Just there was a chair on the floor,

so it's probably the height that she fell from,

which explains the nature of the injury to her skull.

What was she doing on a chair?

Maybe looking at an interesting pattern in the ceiling

or perhaps a spider.

Was she putting something in her hatch?

Might have been hoarding another crow.

Or she could have been getting something out of it.

- It's a sort of cupboard. - What would she want from a cupboard?

Well, I'm guessing, a quilt or a plate or something.

Why would she need a plate?

Just to look at it, you know.

Take it out, put it back in again...

recreationally.

- Your nose is bleeding. - Is it? Hm.

- Strange. - She had dementia as well. So... - Exactly, good point, Amy.

That's why she was up there, cos she was as mad as a hoop.

She had IBS too.

- Yeah, perhaps not relevant. - It's not relevant.

Yeah, nice one, Donald, really helpful.

We have a few more tests to run,

but it is quite a severe haemorrhage.

So, just to give you some warning,

the prognosis is looking pretty poor.

Are you saying that to make it sound worse than it is,

- so that we don't...? - No, I'm not doing that, no.

OK, so, for insurance purposes...

- That's not what I'm doing. - She's not doing that, no.

Right, so, what is it... 50/50?

- It's not 50/50, no. - So...

- It's very close to zero. - Right.

Sorry, I just realised something, do you write the Grubbs books?

- Er... yeah. - Oh! - I do.

My daughter loves The Acorn Conundrum.

Ah, well, yeah, that's a fun one.

- You're taller than I thought you would be. - Yes, I am, yeah.

Sorry, is that all, Doctor?

Because my mother-in-law is dying, if you remember.

Sorry, yes, I'm sorry.

Might be an idea for some of you to go home and get some rest.

Perhaps pop in first thing in the morning.

No, thank you. We'll all be staying here with Nanna, thank you.

- That's completely up to you. - Yes, it is up to us, yes.

And that's what we're saying we will do.

- It's absolutely fine. - Yes, thanks, you said that.

- I'll see you shortly. - Thank you. - Thank you.

So, is she going to die soon?

Quite soon, yes.

Have I got time to get a coffee?

Yes, let's go.

Ha!

Oh, what's going on?

Hello?

- Ah, Maurice! - Yes? - What's going on? - Uh, I'm just drinking a coffee.

- You all right? - Yeah, why?

Well, you're forgetting about chairs, your nose is bleeding

and you're a ridiculously big cup of coffee in the middle of the night.

Well, I'm drinking it BECAUSE it's the middle of the night.

To be honest, I don't know why it's so big either,

- but that's not my fault. - We should have a family meeting.

- About what? - I don't know, that's why we should have a meeting.

You want to have a meeting to decide what to have a meeting about?

Of course I don't. Why do you always have to twist everything I say?

I'm just going to check on Shun.

Yes, you go and do that for a change. Go and talk to the one person

who can't actually speak English. And enjoy your reservoir of coffee!

- Shun! - So strange, Mr Flowers, put nearly Ł100 in here,

- still not working. - Yep. That's because it's broken, Shun.

Probably, yeah.

- How is Grandmother? - Yeah, she's not good, I'm afraid. - Oh, dear.

Look, I need you to do something for me.

- I need you to hide something for me. - OK.

- It's a kind of a lasso. Do you know what that is? - Yes, mango juice.

No, that's not... You're thinking of a lassi, a sort of yoghurt-y...

- Yes, very delicious. - Yeah, yeah, it's not that. This is a noose.

- Ah, chocolate mousse? Delicious. - No, no, it's not delicious.

- Not mango juice either? - No, back to square one.

- Ah, yes, square one! - It's a rope. It's a hangman's rope.

- I hate you! - Shh! - What's happening? - Quick.

- 'Why are we hiding? - 'I'll tell you later.

'Is it wasp? Did you see a wasp?'

Old Nanna, we thought you'd live forever. How wrong we were.

I wish there was something I could invent to save you,

but there's no time.

- Why are you staring at me? - I'm not.

- What's the matter? - She's fucking staring at me. - Amy?

Amy. Amy!

Mum, please, don't start doing the thing

where you just say my name over and over again

in slightly different ways, because it doesn't help.

- I'm so sad about Nanna. - Oh, there. Sh-shh.

Just flop your tit in his mouth and be done with it.

- Oh, Amy! - Stop saying my name!

OK, where shall I hide suicide weapon? Bathroom cupboard?

Why would you hide it in the bathroom cupboard?

I think nobody will check bathroom cupboard.

- Just nail clipper and vagina cream. - No, just get rid of it completely.

Mr Flowers, such enormous shame.

- Are you OK? Tell me truth. - Yes. Well, no.

I suppose what I'm saying is, I don't want to talk about it.

OK. I will make you very happy straightaway.

Little joke.

- Oh, no. - Yes, humour. Erm...

English joke, let me think.

- Knock, knock... - Who's there?

- Postman. - Postman who?

- I have your letter. - What?

- English joke makes you happy. - It doesn't make sense.

Yes, you're happy?

- Maurice, Chin! - Oh, yes. - Ha!

Hi, why are you here?

We're here to support you, of course,

didn't want to end the evening on such a dour note.

- We can go if it's inconvenient. - Is Deborah around?

Yes.

- I told you this was a stupid idea. - Come on, I love hospitals.

Sorry!

Sorry, I didn't mean to make you jump.

- What are you doing here? - I don't know. My dad's being really weird.

Sorry.

- Snot. - Yeah.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

People die all the time, don't they? So...

it's literally fine.

Amy, is that you?

Oh, shit.

- Can you just...? - OK, why? - Sorry, it's just...

I'm coming in!

- How are you doing? - OK, thanks.

- Do you want me to give you a hug? - No, I'm all right, thank you.

We must love each other.

Mum, can you just let me leave the toilet, please?

Not until you let me give you a hug.

- Well, we're going to be here for ages then. - I'm going to hug you.

- No, thanks. - Come here. - No.

- Just get off! - No, come on.

Why are you so strong?!

Just let me hug you.

Aw! My sweet, little, sensitive squiggle.

You're just a sweet little squish, really, aren't you?

- Is that better? - Yep.

English grandmother, never die.

There you are!

Deborah, you grieving fox!

- Everybody's here. - Oh, hello again, George.

I brought you something to say sorry about, you know...

She's not dead yet, as I keep saying.

Well, in advance, and to apologise about the party.

I don't want you to think you can't recommend me clients

just because of a little altercation.

I should've ignored the strange builder.

He was trying to cause trouble.

I just don't like seeing people be rude, that's all.

- Who's that? - That's Barry. - Hello, Deborah.

I was just saying, actually,

it might be best if everyone went home.

There's no need to be polite, Maurice. We're happy to stay.

Shall we? Lighten the mood a bit. I'm sure you could do with some.

Yes, why not?

Shun, you could give Barry a lift home.

Or I could stay here with you. Show my support as well.

Well, it's quite a small room.

I'm not sure how many of us are allowed.

- He won't be staying long either. - Depends how strong this absinthe is!

Or perhaps the simplest thing is just for people who

aren't actually in our family to go home.

Well, there's no point standing around moping, is there?

Not talking about anything.

- Maurice, un petit peu? - No, thanks. - Maybe for Grandma, then.

- She can join in the party! - I love gallows humour.

- Barry, can you go home at least? - Oh, yeah, I understand.

- I'll... I'll leave you in peace. - Shun? Could you?

Absolute pleasure. No problem, Mr Flowers.

I'll be thinking of you, Deborah.

Everybody, hopefully grandmother survive. Good luck!

Shun, could I have a word?

(Can you get rid of the noose?)

Maurice, what are you doing?

Just, er, giving Shun directions out of the hospital.

- Quite tricky. - Why do you need to whisper directions?

Lord, have mercy on this sweet lady, Harriet Flower.

Singer, dancer, abandoned spouse

to magician and Lothario Felix Flower.

Let her survive by the power of your healing.

Or, if she does perish, let her be filled with joy in Heaven

with a sound mind and lithe body like her daughter-in-law, Deborah.

And let her enjoy multiple fulfilling...

I have to take five, actually.

.. sexual relations with the most handsome angels.

Hi. I was wondering if the Flower family have checked in.

This is a hospital, not a hotel.

No, sorry, I mean, just, erm, if they're here, actually.

Hugo, stop that, please! I'm so sorry.

You see, that's the thing about grief.

It's an incredibly sexual emotion.

- I'm just going to check on Maurice. - Of course. I'll look after Nana.

- Oh! Oh! Deborah. - Oh, Barbara. Now's not a good time. - Is she OK?

No, she's about to die, actually, so a bit of privacy would be...

Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry.

It's just I really need to talk to you about Hugo.

Barbara, I don't care about your divorce.

It's not about that, actually, Deborah.

It's... it's Maurice.

I don't really know how to say this, but...

Hugo's drawn a really worrying picture about something called

- a magic snake. - What?!

And there's a man on it who looks exactly like Maurice.

Am I cursed?

Maurice?

He's right there.

Maurice!

Come here this instant.

Hugo.

Barbara.

What are you doing?

- Just getting a Clunk. - Yeah, bit of sugar.

I'll get them.

I've been saving money for emergencies since I was three,

so it's no problem.

- Abigail? Clunk? - Thanks.

Two Clunks and a Milky Finger, please.

I was crying loads earlier. Just an emotional guy, I guess.

As well as resourceful.

Amy was just saying that you guys are thinking of moving out together.

I'm holding out for a strong wife, to be honest, Abigail.

In fact, I was thinking...

How would you feel about being my date to the funeral?

You don't have dates at a funeral.

Donald!

- You don't recognise me, do you? - Fat Matilda?

Not fat any more, but... yeah.

This is my beautiful neighbour, Abigail.

- Woo! Nice to meet you. - Hi. - Violin One.

- Hi, Matilda. - Violin Two. - Are you a clown now?

What do you mean?

Just kidding. Yes, I am. Obviously.

It's quite a scary look.

Oh, no, this is... drink-driving.

- Oh. - Went through the windscreen. Stupid, really.

Long day of humiliating work, so...

What about you guys?

- Come here often? - Our nan had a fall, actually.

Oh, that's not good. So what are you up to?

- Chatting up girls? - I'm his sister.

- Yeah, but... you know what I mean? - Look...

I know you've always had a thing for me,

but now is not the time to be trying it on.

- For one thing, my nan's about to die. - Oh, right... sorry.

I didn't realise it was like that.

Well, it is like that, Fat Matilda.

And also I have a really hot neighbour at the moment,

so even if you are a little less fat,

- you kind of have to get in line. - OK.

Just thought I'd say hello, that's all.

- Shouldn't you be sorting your face out? - Yeah.

Bit of a wait. Anyway, it was nice to see you.

Fuck off touching my shoulder.

Hope everything's all right with your nan.

Bye!

Sorry about that.

- He's even got a beard. - Yes, he has, hasn't he?

It just looks so much like a penis.

Yeah. No, I can see that it's... it's pretty incriminating.

We're keen to help you get to the bottom of this.

Yeah, absolutely.

But children do have quite vivid imaginations.

- Why is he imagining that, though? - It's a good point.

As in, er, sorry. I don't know. You know what I mean.

- Maurice, can we have a quick word, please, in private? - Yeah.

Why is there a picture of you holding a cock and balls?

- I don't know. - Well, you better know, because that mother

- is going to call the police. - OK.

Before I tell you, I need you to promise to be calm.

How are you managing to make this about me?

- I'm not the one in the fucking picture, am I? - OK, but just...

I have a feeling you're not going to like what I'm about to say.

- We should be in there saying goodbye to your mother. - I know that.

- So hurry up, please. - I panicked.

Mum was on the floor and Hugo was there and he was holding... a thing,

that I didn't want anyone to know about.

I want to know about it immediately.

- Well, OK, but first, can I just say...? - No!

Just tell me what's going on!

It's a noose, basically.

- It's a noose. That's how she died. She was trying to... - What?

It's a prop my dad used to use in his magic act with Mum.

- Stupid trick. - What are you talking about?

I didn't want Hugo to be traumatised.

So I told him it was a magic snake

because that's what my mum used to call it.

I'm sorry I didn't...

I didn't want you to be upset. That's why I didn't tell you.

- Oh, this is awful. - I know.

- That's why... - She was trying to hang herself?

Why would she do that?

Ummm... I don't know.

Oh, this is awful. I feel sick.

This is awful and you were carrying this all on your own.

- Why didn't you just tell me? - I don't know.

And that's how she fell off the chair?

Erm... yeah.

- This is just awful. - I know, it's really bad. - Poor Nana.

She couldn't tell us how she was feeling cos she was mad.

Arrgh!

Owwww!

OK, Maurice, it's all right. Don't get angry with yourself.

- It's not your fault. - Yeah. Thanks. Shit.

And thank you for telling me. I understand why you didn't.

And it was very good of you to try and protect us and Nana,

but we have to deal with these things together, OK? Between us.

I, erm, I didn't do anything...

Don't tell me she's just died

while we've been talking to fucking Barbara!

As Nana Grubb gasped her terminal breath

Mr Grubb paled at the cause of her death

He gathered her bones and felt his heart wilt

Too weak to endure the sheer heat of his guilt.

Going to a funeral today, Audrey.

Reminded me of your funeral.

And I just wanted to let you know that I miss you every day,

think about you constantly,

especially in the bath.

But I... I need your help now, Audrey,

because... oh, I know you always said

I should just do what makes me happy,

but the truth is...

.. I'm in love with another woman.

And she has a husband and a family.

I haven't really got anyone else to talk to.

I just wanted to be honest with you, I suppose,

because I...

.. I don't know what to do.

Anyway, I've brought you some more cheese on toast.

There.

And... a little...

And dah-dah! Your favourite.

There you are, pickle.

Digging up noose. My gosh!

Mrs Flower's gone completely mad.

I know...

I just need a bit of time to work out how to play this.

I think too late if after funeral, Mr Flowers.

It might be too late already.

- What are you doing? - Give you power.

Have you found it?

Well done.

Are you ready, then?

Now, what we're about to tell you may seem like an awful, awful thing

and in almost every sense, it is, erm...

But what we want you to understand is that we can learn from this,

and we can try to make this the happy household

that it should be from now on.

So today, we're going to be all smiles and I'm going to make

a particular effort, because I feel like

it's... it's more my fault than anybody else's.

Maurice?

So...

Dad?

Liar, liar, pants on fire.