Original subtitles

From a weird reverie of dark revelation,

Mr Grubb woke up with a strange sensation.

Slipping out through the crack at the back of the lair,

trudging out through the muck and the thick, misted air,

where the collywobblers warbled their sinister call

and the dinglebaggles scurried on jittery claws,

his ghostly breath mixing in with the fog,

he plonked himself down on a damp, mossy log.

But then in the sludge, just a few feet away,

Mr Grubb saw a plant that was quite out of place.

A single buttercup in a pile of faeces.

Mr Grubb tore it up into a thousand pieces.

For fuck's sake.

Here we go. Morning!

Hard-working boys. That's what I like to see.

Brought us a nice brew, Mrs Flower?

Cheeky, what makes you say that?

Yes, I have, you little sneaks.

Thanks, Mrs Flower. Nice.

Morning, Deborah.

Gosh, you're like a pack of wolves.

Morning, Deborah.

Morning, Barry.

Tommy, haven't you got big hands.

You look radiant this morning.

Come on, young Ryan, so handsome.

So, she's got you building a wall now.

Yeah, it doesn't seem necessary to me, personally.

But what Mrs Beckett wants, Mrs Beckett gets.

Why has she got you to start it right here, right next to our garden?

We don't make the decisions. We just do as she says.

Dredge the pond, kill the chickens...

Okay, well, nice to see you boys, bye-bye.

Lovely cakes, Mrs Flower.

Filthy. I'll have to take out a restraining order.

See you later.

Big pile of wood.

Blood.

Are you all right, Deborah?

Way too morose. Yeah, I mean, it's for kids.

I understand. It is for kids, yes.

I'll lighten up chapter one,

and maybe the fart pigeons are better than the collywobblers, yeah.

How's Shun?

Shun has been getting on with the illustrations, yes.

And, as I say, obviously, I do have a plot,

it's just when you suddenly say, "Can you tell me what it is?"

I need to see something by next week.

Next week? Not a problem.

Okay. Okay.

Bye. Yeah, thanks for your help.

Thanks. Bye. Bye.

Mr Flowers. Thank you, Shun.

You don't have to bow.

Miso soup.

Me so grateful.

Very good. Very powerful.

Yes. Idea for comic book.

Tarantula Woman. Tarantula Woman.

Mr Gay. Mr Gay.

And that's his erection?

Yes, of course, Mr Gay is always have erection.

His weakness, actually. Very sensitive.

Tarantula Woman is try have sex with a lot of gay guy.

Mr Gay protect.

"Go away, Tarantula Woman! Have sex with hetero guy!

"Gay power!"

Gay power. Good morning!

Mrs Flowers.

Hello, Shun. Yes, exactly.

Mrs Flowers, your leg!

Please don't mind. Can I have a word? Please. Please.

Yeah. Thank you.

Probably she has to take a magic potion

for make fantastic face so beautiful.

Thank you, Shun.

Actually, don't worry about that.

No problem.

Leg so big, Mrs Flowers. Strong!

Very big leg.

Thank you, sorry. Actually, do you mind?

No problem.

No. Do you mind? As in, leaving?

All finished.

I will make food for anniversary!

Very delicious, very clever.

Good luck. See you in a mo.

Thank you. Yes, in a mo, that's right.

His English is coming on, isn't it? Yeah.

Let's go! Anniversary party!

It's lovely that you two are such good friends.

Happy anniversary.

Yes, happy anniversary to you, too.

That's what I wanted to talk to you about, actually.

I assume we won't be going ahead with the party, now that no one is coming.

Actually, I was thinking,

and it's no big deal, obviously, but there are

still some people we haven't asked yet.

The Becketts, for example.

The Becketts are racists.

Or Martin then, or that man, Bill, who used to come around.

Bill.

The postman?

Yes, he was the postman, wasn't he? You're right.

I think so, yeah. I just thought we should try to...

I mean, for the twins, or for your mother's sake.

My mother thinks everyone is a plumber called James.

So you're saying you'd prefer not to bother.

No, I'm just saying that it might be overall less stressful

if we didn't invite some racists and a postman to our house.

So you'd prefer not to?

I'm not saying that.

We've done such a good job with the twins, haven't we?

I mean, it's a good sign they still want to live at home even though they're 25.

I mean, we're good parents, aren't we?

Yes. Yes, we are.

I, for one, am very happy with our sexual freedom that we both have.

And, I mean, I'm really making the most of it.

Seriously "for," you know.

We don't want to be too happy. We're not mad.

But, you know, on the other hand,

also, you can't have too much of a good thing, by which I mean joy.

So you want me to see who else is around who we missed out?

Thank you, Maurice.

And I know we don't usually, but I thought for a change.

Sorry.

No, thank you.

"No, thank you." Sorry, I thought... No.

Don't apologise. Yes, thank you for the present.

I see, right. Great.

Thoughtful. Shall I? No.

Don't bother, I'd throw it away. It's rubbish.

And a free DVD.

Yeah, I thought you'd find it funny because of his tie.

Yeah. Yeah.

I hope you didn't get me anything.

No. I didn't want to...

Of course I got you something.

Got you. I got you this. Maurice, you didn't have to.

Goodness. It's for me?

Yeah.

Did you get Shun to...

Yeah, I commissioned Shun to do it.

I like how her breasts and his...

Yeah, I thought you might enjoy the...

The penis.

Yeah.

Wow, and it just goes to show

what an exciting place we're at. Yes.

You know, that we can get each other such challenging gifts.

That's right.

And it shows how open-minded we are about sex.

Art. Art. Art. That's what I mean. Art.

Goodness, that'll be Hugo, he's been quite peculiar since the divorce.

Mrs Flowers! Trombonist is here!

Yes, thank you, Shun. Coming!

You not like?

Oh, no, I do like. I love it. And I love you, Shun.

Do I? Yes, why not.

I love you, obviously. I make coffee!

Hello, Hugo. How are we?

I don't want to play trombone, I'm sad.

Oh, dear. Well, let's try some sight reading, shall we?

See if we can cheer you up a bit.

Sorry, Deborah.

No, don't worry. He's probably just upset about your divorce.

Thanks.

Abigail. Abigail. Abigail. Abigail. Abigail!

Hi, Donald.

What are you doing?

Going for a run.

Cool. Yeah, nice one.

I'm just tweaking the design of a new invention.

Then I'm heading into town to buy shitloads of cheese.

We're having a party, later, if you want to come.

Parents' anniversary.

Funny coincidence, us bumping into each other here, don't you think?

It's the third time this week.

What do you think it means?

Destiny.

Milk, milk, milk...

Donald!

High five, we are friends! Get away from me.

You should try making a real coffee.

Use my Ubercaf. Eight times the strength

of a normal coffee, half the beans.

Yeah.

Gourmet.

Very good, Donald.

Mr Flowers. Creamy.

I'll have one of those in a sec.

You should try my Ubercaf, Dad.

Sent the design off a few months ago, just waiting to hear back.

No, thanks, Donald.

I'm just going to have a normal coffee, if it's all right.

What's this?

It's my Fromage Fumigating Fondue Machine.

Very good. Little bit big for the table, if you could move it.

Why is the tree broken?

Probably Amy climbing up it or something.

"Look at me, I'm in a tree, I'm so weird." Yeah, well, guess what?

You're also fat, because the tree is broken.

Can you check she's had her breakfast?

Why? Because sometimes she forgets.

Fucking nepotism.

That doesn't make sense, Donald.

Well, good. She doesn't make sense.

Bloody hell, Nana.

Morning. James.

How are the pipes?

Fine. Thank you.

Is that the dulcet tones of Martin Webster?

It isn't?

Sorry.

Banana.

Abigail.

Abigail.

What are you doing?

Go away. What's that?

Nothing. Go away.

Godiva!

Not going to work this time, I'm afraid.

I'm ready for it. I'll punch it in the beak.

Right. I'm telling Mum and Dad.

It's not appropriate for you to have a medieval...

What the fuck are you doing?

You don't shoot family! Everyone knows that!

This room is a disgrace. Here, look.

Use my mobile vacuum cleaner. No one likes a squalid woman.

You just taped a dust buster to a toy car.

Yeah, well, it's better than anything you could make.

Why aren't you a millionaire yet, then?

Why haven't you had your exorcism yet then, freak?

Nana Grubb skulked through the sludge and the dirt,

the solitary witness of Mr Grubb's hurt.

She gathered the petals and hid them from sight,

the buttercup fragments of Mr Grubb's plight.

So Billy and Bella and dear Mrs Grubb

would not know his madness, but only his love.

Hey, Nana.

James.

Come on, Hugo, let's get out of the toilet

and do a few scales before Mommy gets back.

Bad news, I'm afraid.

No one's free.

No, really? Yeah.

What are they all doing?

Well, various things, obviously.

Well, what are they variously doing?

You want me to list all the things they're doing?

Well, tell me one of them at least.

Martin's in a coma.

Right.

So, yeah. Thank you.

Let's just do it anyway.

Have a party without any guests?

Well, I could ask George, couldn't I?

And Abigail. Yes. He's very funny.

Is he? He's hilarious.

And very handsome.

Yeah, I suppose he is, yeah.

And I could ask the lovely builders.

They're not even our builders, so that's going to be a bit sinister, isn't it?

Well, it's all about having fun, Maurice.

We need to have fun, it bleeds into the psyche.

I mean, look.

Emotional stress and confusion and divorce.

At the rate he's going, he's going to turn out a murderer.

Or a solicitor. So...

Are we doing all this for Hugo?

No, we're not. We're doing it for us!

I'm just using Hugo as an example

of how parents can fuck up their children.

Finished. Hello.

Hugo, but that is very naughty.

But also, I hope you're all right.

Just remember, it's not your parents' fault.

I mean, it's your fault. No, it's not your fault.

It's not your fault that your parents...

Sorry.

That could be Barbara.

Why don't you ask if Barbara and Hugo want to come tonight?

It might cheer her up a bit. Okay.

And you could ask George, as well.

No, you can ask him.

Sweetie, don't. You be careful.

You don't want to lose me to him.

Right.

Let's clear this up, shall we?

Must have been a big poo!

Looks like a clever machine, Donald.

Saying something that makes sense for once, Shun.

It's a Fumigating Fondue Machine,

a device I've created for smoking and melting cheese.

Fondue machines already exist.

Yes, but if you listen to the actual name of the invention

instead of being a fat pedant ignoramus,

you'd notice I called it a "Fumigating Fondue Machine,"

i.e., it smokes the cheese at the same time.

Why don't you just get smoked cheese?

Let's see whose laughing when you're stuck here

writing pointless depressing music

and I've bought myself a whole tropical island.

Donald Island?

That's right, Shun. Don't think you're coming. You're banned.

We'll have our own island anyway, won't we, Shun?

What should we call it?

I think maybe Donald Island.

Fucking moron!

That's it, everyone. Getting into the spirit of things.

So, George and Abigail are coming

and I'm going to ask the builders, too,

so it should be a lovely evening.

What? Why are George and Abigail coming?

Why's he coming?

George and Abigail are coming because they're our neighbours.

And Shun is coming because he's our...

Slave. Japanese angel.

You like Abigail, don't you, Donald?

She likes me, more like.

It's embarrassing.

She asked if she could come earlier, actually.

"Just play it cool, Abigail. Stop being so keen."

Well, you are quite a catch, I must say.

He looks about 40. Well, you look dead, mate.

And some of those builder lads are quite handsome, Amy.

So, you know, no harm in making a bit of an effort.

Also you could be friends with Abigail, too,

you know, if you just lightened up a bit.

No. She's too weird.

That's why she'll die a lonely spinster covered in moss

while I'm living it up on Donald Island.

Oh, no, no, no.

Hey! Leave that alone!

Hugo loves the Grubbs books.

He thinks you're brilliant.

Nice for him to be around a more stable family.

It's a work in progress, you know, but we're getting there.

Come back here, you horrid witch!

Stop it! Stop it!

No, Shun! No judo!

Amy!

That's a valuable prototype!

Donald! What the fuck is going on?

She's a psychopath!

Hello, boys!

What are you doing tonight? We're going to have a little party.

Abigail, your ass looks outstanding.

Shut up, Dad.

Hooray!

Hello, Deborah.

Hello.

Steady on.

You know I can't control myself around you, Deborah.

The sexual tension is just unbearable.

Hi, Deborah. Hi.

He's hilarious, your dad, isn't he?

Donald's inside.

I was given a whole crate of this

as a thank you for a new forehead.

New forehead. Fancy.

That could be me and you.

Hilarious. It's a present, actually, from Maurice.

What are you cooking?

That's just Donald's special cheese.

Smells like shit.

So, everyone, this is George. He's a plastic surgeon.

And his daughter, Abigail, who is training to be a very clever lawyer.

Abigail. That's her real face.

I haven't touched it.

Maurice, how are you?

Yeah.

It's a bit quiet, isn't it? Shall I get some music?

I can go and get some of my tapes, if you like.

No, Barry. Don't want more jazz.

Perhaps Amy could play something.

Dad.

Could be nice.

Okay, something lively, maybe.

I don't know about everybody else,

but I'm in the mood for a bloody boogie.

Boring!

Play some reggae, for heaven's sake!

This is a jerky made of beef.

Not now, thank you, Shun. We're just drinking.

Thank you.

Congratulation.

Have you ever had smoked cheese before?

No. No?

I put a bit of gin in there.

Hello. Hello.

Let's get rid of this, shall we, James?

Maurice, shall we get your mother down? She loves a party.

Deborah's a lovely lady, isn't she?

Yes.

Such kind eyes.

Plus, she's the only person who can make a cup of tea the way my Audrey used to.

My wife passed away a couple of years ago, you see, so

I'm on me own now.

I wore this to her funeral.

Have you seen Hugo? Wandered off, has he?

I'll go and have a look.

Okay, thanks, Maurice.

She's amazing, isn't she?

She had very bad acne as a child.

As a child.

She basically went through puberty at about seven.

Who's taller now?

Hugo?

Christ.

Is it a hangman's rope?

No.

She's just having a nap.

And that is...

That's a snake, actually.

It doesn't look like a snake.

It's a magic snake. It's a secret family snake.

Nice family.

Yes. Good father.

I just got divorced.

Had a fight about which washing machine to get,

the seven kilogram load or the nine kilogram.

Then we realised we hated each other.

And that he was sleeping with my dentist.

As a medical professional, I just find you fascinating.

I mean, I almost want to take a mould just to mount on my wall.

Goodness, stop it, George.

You're making me feel like one of those glamour models.

Excuse me.

Cheer up, Barry! So serious.

You don't seem to be showing this lady much respect, sir.

The magic snake is very special.

It means that you're very lucky,

but you must never tell anyone you've seen it.

Or

you will be cursed.

Terrible things will happen.

Worse than divorce?

Much worse.

But if you keep it a secret, a wish will come true.

Will my daddy come back?

Yes, yes, he will, but only if you keep it a secret.

Now, off you go. And remember, secret snake.

Okay.

Mr Flowers, he love children.

Hugo is the perfect size for him.

He's quite small, isn't he?

He'll make him laugh.

There you are!

I wanna go home.

She is breathing.

It just...

Sounds a bit strange.

This lady is beautiful, kind, intelligent...

And probably very naughty in bed.

Now, stop it!

Maybe you should think twice before talking like that.

Yes, maybe you should think twice

before eating so many cakes, you fat shit.

Goodness, George!

All this testosterone flying around, I might get pregnant!

Fucking boring, mate!

Well, just keep your language down.

Does anyone remember the happy song?

If I play it, you can sing it!

Nobody can be cross with the happy song playing.

Fucking hell!

I know how to make Daddy come back.

Hugo, Daddy's not coming back.

The magic snake.

I think my mother's about to die.