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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:10,572 --> 00:00:12,332 GENE: Get out your Goat horns, folks. 2 00:00:12,365 --> 00:00:15,672 It's time for some Blue Mountain State football. 3 00:00:17,495 --> 00:00:20,998 The players report today, and I tell you, Dennis, nobody knows what to expect 4 00:00:20,999 --> 00:00:23,618 after last year's scandal-ridden championship season. 5 00:00:23,627 --> 00:00:26,118 DENNIS: Well, I can tell you exactly what to expect, Gene. 6 00:00:26,129 --> 00:00:28,663 Hard work, dedication, and at the end of the day, 7 00:00:28,673 --> 00:00:31,622 another championship season for Coach Marty Daniels. 8 00:00:33,803 --> 00:00:35,005 What's that, Dad? 9 00:00:35,055 --> 00:00:36,299 Oh, really? 10 00:00:36,348 --> 00:00:37,980 I'm not gonna amount to anything? 11 00:00:38,016 --> 00:00:40,550 Well, I'm the new mascot. So look at me now! 12 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:42,449 Oh, yeah. I'll mow the lawn when I get home. 13 00:00:42,479 --> 00:00:44,582 -Come here. -What are you doing? 14 00:00:45,023 --> 00:00:46,182 Alex? 15 00:00:46,942 --> 00:00:49,902 Sneak up behind me and smash me over the head with a beer bottle. 16 00:00:49,903 --> 00:00:52,350 What do you mean "sneak up behind you"? You're looking in a mirror. 17 00:00:52,364 --> 00:00:54,167 -Do it! -No way. 18 00:00:54,199 --> 00:00:56,690 I'm not smashing a beer bottle over your head. You're an idiot. 19 00:00:56,701 --> 00:00:58,333 -Come on, you owe me! -For what? 20 00:00:59,204 --> 00:01:01,050 For fingering Vicky underneath the bleachers. 21 00:01:01,081 --> 00:01:03,528 That was in middle school. Get over it. 22 00:01:03,541 --> 00:01:04,958 Oh, I'm sorry. 23 00:01:05,001 --> 00:01:07,492 I didn't realize there was a time limit on broken hearts. 24 00:01:07,504 --> 00:01:08,877 What was her last name? 25 00:01:08,922 --> 00:01:10,897 -Mmm... -Mmm? 26 00:01:12,425 --> 00:01:13,842 College... 27 00:01:13,885 --> 00:01:16,204 BOTH: College, college, 28 00:01:16,221 --> 00:01:19,556 college, college, college, college! 29 00:01:19,557 --> 00:01:20,630 (SCREAMS) 30 00:01:22,143 --> 00:01:23,775 Are you... Are you all right? 31 00:01:23,895 --> 00:01:25,441 -Yeah. -Yeah? 32 00:01:25,897 --> 00:01:27,014 Yeah! 33 00:01:27,065 --> 00:01:28,740 -(WHOOPING) -(KNOCKING AT DOOR) 34 00:01:30,235 --> 00:01:33,946 Hi. We're here courtesy of the Blue Mountain State Football Boosters. 35 00:01:33,947 --> 00:01:35,879 We're looking for Alex Moran. 36 00:01:35,907 --> 00:01:37,925 -Oh, I'm Alex Moran. -I'm Alex Moran. 37 00:01:43,832 --> 00:01:45,549 -Sweet Jesus, yes. -Oh, man. Look at this. 38 00:01:45,583 --> 00:01:46,656 Come in. 39 00:01:46,710 --> 00:01:50,462 MAN 1: The newcomer at camp is someone everyone is excited about. Craig Shilo. 40 00:01:50,463 --> 00:01:51,236 Yes! 41 00:01:51,289 --> 00:01:53,221 MAN 2: Absolutely. Anytime you have success... 42 00:01:53,258 --> 00:01:56,593 You hear that, baby? They're already talking about me. 43 00:01:56,594 --> 00:01:59,557 Of course they are, baby. You are gonna own this town. 44 00:02:00,265 --> 00:02:01,424 (BOTH CHUCKLE) 45 00:02:01,474 --> 00:02:03,406 -Okay, so here's what I'm thinking. -Hmm. 46 00:02:03,435 --> 00:02:05,324 We play here for three years, 47 00:02:05,353 --> 00:02:08,272 -then we get a Heisman... -Mmm-hmm. 48 00:02:08,273 --> 00:02:12,818 Sign our endorsement deals, turn pro, get married. 49 00:02:12,819 --> 00:02:14,579 Wow! I like where this is going... 50 00:02:15,238 --> 00:02:16,440 Uh-uh! 51 00:02:16,865 --> 00:02:18,367 Not until we're married. 52 00:02:18,408 --> 00:02:20,254 How many times I got to say it? Seriously, Craig... 53 00:02:20,285 --> 00:02:22,303 And that reminds me we better get married before you turn pro. 54 00:02:22,328 --> 00:02:24,476 Otherwise people gonna think I married you for your money. 55 00:02:24,497 --> 00:02:25,614 (KNOCKING AT DOOR) 56 00:02:27,125 --> 00:02:28,800 Hi, we're looking for Craig Shilo. 57 00:02:34,466 --> 00:02:35,581 Mmm-hmm. 58 00:02:35,633 --> 00:02:38,125 Oh, my God, Sammy, this is awesome! 59 00:02:38,136 --> 00:02:41,138 SAMMY: This is the best. You know what would make it better? 60 00:02:41,139 --> 00:02:43,157 -Let me in! -No! 61 00:02:43,183 --> 00:02:45,802 -Who is that guy? -I'm gonna be the mascot on the team. 62 00:02:45,810 --> 00:02:49,063 Well, I'm gonna try out. It doesn't matter. Just let me in. 63 00:02:49,064 --> 00:02:50,094 -No! -No! 64 00:02:50,148 --> 00:02:52,252 Come on! He's not even the starting quarterback. 65 00:02:52,275 --> 00:02:56,226 I'm the backup quarterback, okay? And it's working out great so far. 66 00:02:56,237 --> 00:02:57,526 Come on, man, just let me in. 67 00:02:57,572 --> 00:02:59,719 You know I'm not gonna do anything but watch. 68 00:02:59,824 --> 00:03:01,499 - GIRL: I think she broke my nose! - (EXHALES) 69 00:03:01,534 --> 00:03:02,951 Ugh! 70 00:03:02,994 --> 00:03:06,086 Damn it! Those bitches got blood on my shirt. 71 00:03:06,664 --> 00:03:07,953 (EXHALES DEEPLY) 72 00:03:07,999 --> 00:03:10,662 Oh, well. (LAUGHS) 73 00:03:10,668 --> 00:03:12,901 -At least they didn't get you. -Yeah. 74 00:03:12,921 --> 00:03:15,884 -'Cause you're mine. Right? -Yeah. 75 00:03:16,925 --> 00:03:18,256 (ALEX MOANING) 76 00:03:19,677 --> 00:03:20,966 ALEX: Yeah! 77 00:03:21,012 --> 00:03:22,214 (GIRL LAUGHING) 78 00:03:28,186 --> 00:03:29,259 Sammy! 79 00:03:30,188 --> 00:03:31,261 Hi. 80 00:03:31,314 --> 00:03:33,290 -(YELLS) -(SCREAMS) 81 00:03:33,316 --> 00:03:35,120 Yes! First one done! 82 00:04:05,723 --> 00:04:10,644 Once upon a time, some weak, pathetic pussy 83 00:04:10,645 --> 00:04:13,952 coined the phrase, "Winning isn't everything." 84 00:04:15,859 --> 00:04:19,337 Well, for most people in most situations he was right, 85 00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:21,912 but I'm not one of those people. 86 00:04:22,490 --> 00:04:25,625 And this is not one of those situations. 87 00:04:26,202 --> 00:04:31,790 Blue Mountain State has won 1 7 national championships right on this field. 88 00:04:31,791 --> 00:04:33,466 Six on my watch alone. 89 00:04:35,170 --> 00:04:37,703 Because we don't just beat our opponents, gentlemen. 90 00:04:38,464 --> 00:04:40,225 We crush their will to live. 91 00:04:40,967 --> 00:04:43,974 We suck the milk out of their mothers tits. 92 00:04:44,345 --> 00:04:45,891 And use it as mouthwash. 93 00:04:45,930 --> 00:04:49,065 We rip off their dicks and invite them to an orgy. 94 00:04:49,225 --> 00:04:51,587 Use their Vagisil as lip balm. 95 00:04:51,603 --> 00:04:54,308 - CRAIG: Shh. - You got something to say, son? 96 00:04:55,732 --> 00:04:58,523 No, Coach. No, I'm just studying the playbook. 97 00:04:59,777 --> 00:05:00,937 Where do you come from? 98 00:05:02,322 --> 00:05:05,929 -Cheyenne, Wyoming. -Wrong. Shilo, same question. 99 00:05:06,951 --> 00:05:09,055 Columbus, Ohio, sir. 100 00:05:09,078 --> 00:05:12,873 No, god damn it! Mountain Goats, where do we come from? 101 00:05:12,874 --> 00:05:14,849 ALL: From our fathers' balls, sir! 102 00:05:14,876 --> 00:05:17,195 From our fathers' balls. 103 00:05:18,630 --> 00:05:21,163 Most men think they just dropped out of their mothers' womb 104 00:05:21,174 --> 00:05:23,407 like some glorified jellyfish. 105 00:05:24,636 --> 00:05:28,587 But champions know they came from their fathers' balls. 106 00:05:29,224 --> 00:05:31,327 Now I want you to go home tonight and think about that. 107 00:05:31,351 --> 00:05:35,087 And think hard about what category you fall into. 108 00:05:38,858 --> 00:05:42,319 All right, ladies, bring it in on three. One, two, three! 109 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:43,350 ALL: Go, Goats! 110 00:05:43,404 --> 00:05:45,766 All freshies stay right where you are. 111 00:05:45,782 --> 00:05:47,198 Welcome to freshman hell week. 112 00:05:47,242 --> 00:05:48,530 (ALL WHOOPING) 113 00:05:49,327 --> 00:05:51,560 Welcome to my world. 114 00:05:51,955 --> 00:05:54,998 I want to see every one of you freshies as hairless as the day you were born. 115 00:05:54,999 --> 00:05:56,244 Boom-shaka-laka! 116 00:05:56,292 --> 00:05:58,396 We don't have to shave inside the crack, do we? 117 00:05:58,419 --> 00:06:00,137 Don't go near my crack, man. 118 00:06:00,171 --> 00:06:03,131 - I want you screaming for your mom. -This is bullshit. 119 00:06:03,132 --> 00:06:05,365 I was the national high school player of the year last year. 120 00:06:05,385 --> 00:06:09,079 Do I see armpit hair? Why did you not shave his armpits? 121 00:06:09,597 --> 00:06:11,529 -Are you looking at me? -I'm Alex, by the way. 122 00:06:11,933 --> 00:06:14,338 -Craig Shilo. -Yeah, I know. 123 00:06:14,686 --> 00:06:17,219 This is only the beginning, you pieces of shit. 124 00:06:17,230 --> 00:06:19,162 Pay close attention to what I hold in my hand. 125 00:06:20,191 --> 00:06:21,607 It's a notebook. 126 00:06:22,110 --> 00:06:24,257 Each one of you will be given one of your own. 127 00:06:24,279 --> 00:06:27,070 It contains secrets about each member of this team. 128 00:06:27,073 --> 00:06:29,779 You will protect these secrets with your lives. 129 00:06:30,368 --> 00:06:33,116 Any freshie who loses contact with their notebook at any time 130 00:06:33,121 --> 00:06:36,248 over the next week will be in a world of pain. 131 00:06:36,249 --> 00:06:37,622 Okay, hold on a second. 132 00:06:39,877 --> 00:06:42,239 This is freshman hell week? Really? 133 00:06:42,714 --> 00:06:45,377 First you ask us to shave each other's nuts 134 00:06:45,383 --> 00:06:48,689 and then ask us to protect each other's secrets. 135 00:06:49,137 --> 00:06:50,639 Have you got a problem with that? 136 00:06:51,764 --> 00:06:55,350 Can't you just beat us up or something? This just seems a little 137 00:06:55,351 --> 00:06:56,424 gay. 138 00:06:57,145 --> 00:06:59,464 -Gay? -Gay. 139 00:06:59,897 --> 00:07:02,603 It's called hazing, asshole. Look it up. 140 00:07:03,192 --> 00:07:04,309 Okay. 141 00:07:06,112 --> 00:07:08,001 And what about you? 142 00:07:08,031 --> 00:07:09,834 - I didn't say anything. -Oh, no! 143 00:07:10,867 --> 00:07:12,455 Top recruit? 144 00:07:12,493 --> 00:07:14,641 You think you're the captain of this team already? 145 00:07:15,413 --> 00:07:19,665 You think you've got the Heisman all locked up. 146 00:07:20,710 --> 00:07:21,954 Bromigo? 147 00:07:22,545 --> 00:07:25,680 You think you and your friend can come in here and say whatever you want? 148 00:07:26,257 --> 00:07:27,545 -No, I didn't... -Wrong! 149 00:07:27,592 --> 00:07:30,469 I'm the captain of this team and I get to say whatever I want! 150 00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:32,136 And I say... 151 00:07:36,476 --> 00:07:38,150 Party at the Goathouse! 152 00:07:38,186 --> 00:07:39,517 (ALL CHEERING) 153 00:07:42,565 --> 00:07:43,981 BMS! 154 00:07:44,025 --> 00:07:45,528 ALL: Go Goats! 155 00:07:45,568 --> 00:07:46,641 (ALL CHEERING) 156 00:07:46,694 --> 00:07:49,271 Yeah! Nice one! Sorry I'm late, everybody. Sorry I'm late. 157 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:50,997 Where am I going? What am I doing? 158 00:07:51,449 --> 00:07:54,326 -Late for what? -For the mascot tryouts. 159 00:07:54,327 --> 00:07:56,431 (CHUCKLES) I'm gonna love this place. 160 00:07:56,454 --> 00:07:58,171 There aren't any tryouts. 161 00:07:58,873 --> 00:08:01,020 We already have our mascot. 162 00:08:01,250 --> 00:08:02,495 Chester. 163 00:08:11,803 --> 00:08:13,734 No. No! 164 00:08:14,138 --> 00:08:17,808 Please, you've got to just give me a shot. I swear to God you guys are gonna love me. 165 00:08:17,809 --> 00:08:20,686 You heard the lady. Position's filled. 166 00:08:21,312 --> 00:08:24,576 Okay. Okay. I see what's going on here. 167 00:08:25,733 --> 00:08:27,537 You're afraid of me. 168 00:08:28,611 --> 00:08:30,715 You're afraid of a little competition. 169 00:08:31,197 --> 00:08:33,988 I'm 6'4". I ain't afraid of nothing. 170 00:08:34,450 --> 00:08:35,867 I'm gonna rip your ears off! 171 00:08:35,910 --> 00:08:37,025 (YELLS) 172 00:08:37,078 --> 00:08:38,494 (HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING) 173 00:08:38,538 --> 00:08:39,998 (PEOPLE CHEERING) 174 00:09:05,857 --> 00:09:07,960 (EXCLAIMS) 175 00:09:14,699 --> 00:09:15,901 BOTH: Yes, please. 176 00:09:19,078 --> 00:09:20,753 -No, thank you. -No, thank you. 177 00:09:23,833 --> 00:09:25,035 -No, thank you. -Yes, please. 178 00:09:25,084 --> 00:09:26,501 -Really? -What? Yeah. 179 00:09:26,544 --> 00:09:29,379 -She's like a mother of four. -I'll make her a mother of five. 180 00:09:29,380 --> 00:09:30,453 (BOTH LAUGHING) 181 00:09:31,132 --> 00:09:33,021 -Shilo! -What's up, man? 182 00:09:33,050 --> 00:09:34,810 -Let's grab a beer. -Oh, no, no, no, no. 183 00:09:34,844 --> 00:09:37,721 I'm not drinking tonight. I promised my girlfriend. 184 00:09:39,724 --> 00:09:40,839 (LAUGHS) 185 00:09:40,892 --> 00:09:42,524 -That's a good one. -That's really funny. 186 00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:44,621 -That's great. - I am gonna puke tonight. 187 00:09:44,645 --> 00:09:47,772 -Okay, so you have a girlfriend? -Yes. 188 00:09:47,773 --> 00:09:50,135 That's cute. That's cute. When's the wedding date? 189 00:09:50,151 --> 00:09:53,403 Ah, no, no, we've only been together a year and a half. So... 190 00:09:53,404 --> 00:09:54,521 ALEX: Oh, you're serious? 191 00:09:54,572 --> 00:09:56,117 -Yes. -You brought a girlfriend to college? 192 00:09:56,157 --> 00:09:57,702 -Yes. -Word of advice. 193 00:09:57,742 --> 00:10:01,119 Make sure this guy doesn't try to finger your girlfriend underneath the bleachers. 194 00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:03,268 -What? -Really? Really? 195 00:10:03,289 --> 00:10:05,823 Sorry. It's hard for me. 196 00:10:06,501 --> 00:10:08,862 -That's my roommate Sammy. -Best friend. 197 00:10:09,295 --> 00:10:10,883 -I'm his best... -Oh, there you are. 198 00:10:10,922 --> 00:10:12,510 -Excuse me. Hey, baby. -Oh, my God! 199 00:10:12,548 --> 00:10:14,910 -Mmm, can I get two? -Mmm, yes. 200 00:10:14,926 --> 00:10:15,998 (BOTH LAUGH) 201 00:10:16,052 --> 00:10:20,132 Okay, look, I want to introduce you to Al and Gary. 202 00:10:20,681 --> 00:10:22,742 They are accounting majors. 203 00:10:22,767 --> 00:10:26,561 (EXCLAIMS) So I thought maybe we could sit down to... 204 00:10:26,562 --> 00:10:27,635 Are you drinking? 205 00:10:27,688 --> 00:10:28,847 - SAMMY: I am. - Me, too. 206 00:10:28,898 --> 00:10:32,108 No, I'm not drinking. I just was talking to some of the guys... 207 00:10:32,109 --> 00:10:34,944 And drinking, but it's fine. 208 00:10:34,946 --> 00:10:37,948 You know, you guys'll just be all hung over tomorrow for practice, 209 00:10:37,949 --> 00:10:40,096 but I guess that's what champions do. 210 00:10:40,368 --> 00:10:42,772 That won't affect me much. I'm a backup. 211 00:10:43,079 --> 00:10:46,081 - Okay, you say that like you're proud. - SAMMY: I think it's cool. 212 00:10:46,082 --> 00:10:48,315 Backup QB is the best position in sports. 213 00:10:49,877 --> 00:10:52,153 Fact, I get drunk all the time, 214 00:10:52,171 --> 00:10:54,319 I don't have to show up to class 215 00:10:54,340 --> 00:10:57,300 and it's just like being a real QB, but without all the pain. 216 00:10:57,301 --> 00:11:00,470 Fact, you can't get a hot girl like this like that. 217 00:11:00,471 --> 00:11:01,759 -(LAUGHS) -Thank you, baby. 218 00:11:01,806 --> 00:11:02,836 Oh! 219 00:11:02,890 --> 00:11:04,866 Well, I will get all your leftovers. 220 00:11:06,060 --> 00:11:07,906 I call it trickle-down banging. 221 00:11:08,813 --> 00:11:11,347 -Trickle-down banging? -That's trademarked, by the way. 222 00:11:11,357 --> 00:11:12,559 -Well done. -Thank you. 223 00:11:12,608 --> 00:11:15,013 Ugh! Real motivated friends you've made, Craig. 224 00:11:15,027 --> 00:11:16,100 Thank you. 225 00:11:16,153 --> 00:11:18,515 If you want to find me, I will be in the pool house. 226 00:11:18,531 --> 00:11:21,322 -Discussing our financial future. -Baby, I barely even know these guys. 227 00:11:21,325 --> 00:11:22,398 -Sure. -See you later. 228 00:11:22,451 --> 00:11:24,555 -Baby. Denise! -I'm sorry. 229 00:11:25,121 --> 00:11:26,924 -Forget her. -Seriously. 230 00:11:26,956 --> 00:11:29,447 Forget her. You really think she's gonna risk you dumping her 231 00:11:29,458 --> 00:11:30,789 for a quickie with a couple of accounting majors? 232 00:11:30,835 --> 00:11:33,841 -Those guys were dorks. -No, she doesn't do that. 233 00:11:36,215 --> 00:11:37,589 She doesn't... She doesn't do what? 234 00:11:38,467 --> 00:11:40,658 - What, accounting majors? - ALEX: No, no, no! 235 00:11:40,678 --> 00:11:43,212 I don't think he's talking about accounting majors at all. 236 00:11:44,849 --> 00:11:46,394 What is it that Denise doesn't do? 237 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:50,894 -Have sex. -What? 238 00:11:50,938 --> 00:11:51,968 (SNICKERS) 239 00:11:52,023 --> 00:11:55,525 Are you freaking kidding me? You could get with any girl here. 240 00:11:55,526 --> 00:11:58,404 - I don't want to get with any girl here. - SAMMY: Help me then! 241 00:11:58,404 --> 00:12:01,865 Look, Denise just wants her first time to be special and I don't blame her. 242 00:12:01,866 --> 00:12:04,056 Wow, I don't know whether to pat you on the back or choke you out. 243 00:12:04,076 --> 00:12:05,708 - I do. -Come on, man. 244 00:12:05,745 --> 00:12:08,107 What's the frequency, losers? 245 00:12:08,122 --> 00:12:09,324 Puke session. 246 00:12:09,874 --> 00:12:11,462 Notebooks. Let's see 'em. 247 00:12:12,877 --> 00:12:14,852 Still think this place is gay, Shilo? 248 00:12:16,464 --> 00:12:19,883 -Actually, that's... That's really gay. -lt's two chicks making out. 249 00:12:19,884 --> 00:12:22,031 No, I don't think he's saying that's a bad thing. 250 00:12:22,053 --> 00:12:24,758 That's just actually gay. 251 00:12:24,764 --> 00:12:27,813 Yeah, and my face actually just looks like your ass. 252 00:12:28,476 --> 00:12:30,751 Hey, you can't talk to him that way. 253 00:12:30,770 --> 00:12:32,960 He challenges you to a game of beer pong. 254 00:12:32,980 --> 00:12:34,354 -No, I don't. -You're on. 255 00:12:34,398 --> 00:12:36,459 Beer pong right now. Let's go, Larry. 256 00:12:36,484 --> 00:12:38,674 -(WHOOPS) -Get off me, Larry. 257 00:12:41,614 --> 00:12:44,741 Hey, what the hell is wrong with you, man? You know I can't get drunk tonight. 258 00:12:44,742 --> 00:12:47,405 Dude, you won't have to get drunk tonight. I'm really good at this. 259 00:12:50,581 --> 00:12:51,869 Look out, Billy. 260 00:12:52,500 --> 00:12:55,678 -(LAUGHING) Look at that jackass. -What? I wasn't 261 00:12:56,087 --> 00:12:57,246 puking. 262 00:12:57,922 --> 00:13:00,882 -Oh, it's you. - I must've ate something bad. 263 00:13:00,883 --> 00:13:02,687 Yeah, probably a dick. 264 00:13:03,094 --> 00:13:06,014 Hey, this is my fight. I'll say the insults. 265 00:13:06,263 --> 00:13:09,270 Yeah, you probably ate a dick. Later, dickbreath. 266 00:13:10,976 --> 00:13:12,049 I'll kill you. 267 00:13:13,729 --> 00:13:15,103 (ALL CHEERING) 268 00:13:15,147 --> 00:13:17,896 Line it up and put some backspin on it. 269 00:13:18,109 --> 00:13:19,569 -Hold on. -Put it there. 270 00:13:20,236 --> 00:13:21,524 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 271 00:13:22,113 --> 00:13:23,830 I thought you said you was amazing? 272 00:13:23,864 --> 00:13:27,992 Congratulations, Craig. You caught me. I'm a liar. 273 00:13:27,993 --> 00:13:31,663 You want to see amazing? I'll show you amazing. 274 00:13:31,664 --> 00:13:33,682 (ALL CHEERING) 275 00:13:35,793 --> 00:13:36,823 Oh! 276 00:13:37,837 --> 00:13:40,585 That one's yours, 'cause you didn't put the backspin on it. 277 00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:43,416 -Drink, drink, drink. -I'm going to. 278 00:13:43,718 --> 00:13:47,368 Just say yes and mummy will make it all better. 279 00:13:47,972 --> 00:13:49,174 (MUMBLING) 280 00:13:49,223 --> 00:13:51,499 Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm. 281 00:13:52,435 --> 00:13:53,766 Yes, please. 282 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:56,753 -Hold that. -Dirty dog. 283 00:13:56,772 --> 00:13:57,845 (LAUGHS) 284 00:14:09,201 --> 00:14:10,704 (SNIFFS) ls that piss? 285 00:14:14,957 --> 00:14:16,460 ls that piss? 286 00:14:19,170 --> 00:14:20,672 That's... That's piss. 287 00:14:20,713 --> 00:14:22,731 That's piss. That's piss. 288 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:26,217 (VIBRATING) 289 00:14:27,595 --> 00:14:28,883 (GRUNTS) 290 00:14:32,391 --> 00:14:34,066 -Hello? -Sammy, 291 00:14:34,101 --> 00:14:36,162 I've got a little bit of a situation here. 292 00:14:36,187 --> 00:14:38,033 I pissed my bed last night or she did... 293 00:14:38,063 --> 00:14:40,124 I don't know. I have practice in 1 0 minutes. 294 00:14:40,149 --> 00:14:43,151 I need you to go in my room and grab my notebook, 'cause I can't go in there, 295 00:14:43,152 --> 00:14:45,213 'cause the cougar's still in there and it's under my mattress. 296 00:14:45,946 --> 00:14:47,750 Who is this? 297 00:14:58,542 --> 00:15:06,961 I know it was you. 298 00:15:09,261 --> 00:15:11,108 You came in here last night, 299 00:15:11,806 --> 00:15:15,456 you pulled out that little cock of yours and pissed all over me. 300 00:15:17,228 --> 00:15:18,945 You don't remember, do you? 301 00:15:22,274 --> 00:15:26,861 I've been waiting for a big strong man 302 00:15:26,862 --> 00:15:29,138 like you to come along. 303 00:15:30,783 --> 00:15:33,746 And put this naughty little girl in her place. 304 00:15:36,831 --> 00:15:37,903 (LAUGHS) 305 00:15:37,957 --> 00:15:39,072 (CLICKS TONGUE) 306 00:15:39,124 --> 00:15:42,174 No one is going to believe this. 307 00:15:44,255 --> 00:15:45,285 (COACH WHISTLING) 308 00:15:45,339 --> 00:15:48,258 - Go, blue 18! - PLAYER: Side, left side. Blue 18. 309 00:15:48,259 --> 00:15:49,374 Hike! 310 00:15:55,766 --> 00:15:57,483 PLAYER: Get that guy! Stop him! 311 00:16:01,438 --> 00:16:03,972 9/11 , baby! 9/11! 312 00:16:03,983 --> 00:16:05,314 Never forget! 313 00:16:08,737 --> 00:16:10,111 God damn it! 314 00:16:10,155 --> 00:16:12,947 I can't believe they're making us practice with these stupid notebooks. 315 00:16:12,950 --> 00:16:14,281 I don't even have mine. 316 00:16:14,952 --> 00:16:17,013 Wait till you hear this. You're not gonna believe where it is. 317 00:16:17,037 --> 00:16:18,326 - I was with... -Stop. 318 00:16:18,873 --> 00:16:20,032 I don't want to know. 319 00:16:20,082 --> 00:16:21,197 (COACH WHISTLES) 320 00:16:21,250 --> 00:16:22,323 Second team! 321 00:16:23,210 --> 00:16:24,842 I'll see you at dinner, sweet pea. 322 00:16:25,045 --> 00:16:26,118 ALL: Break! 323 00:16:29,091 --> 00:16:30,336 (WHISTLING) 324 00:16:31,218 --> 00:16:33,537 -Move back! Let's move 'em back! -Fifty-four is the mike! 325 00:16:33,804 --> 00:16:36,467 Fifty-four is the mike! Blue 1 8. 326 00:16:36,599 --> 00:16:38,831 Blue 1 8! Set! Hike! 327 00:16:46,275 --> 00:16:47,519 That a boy, Moran. 328 00:16:47,568 --> 00:16:50,359 You keep making throws like that, you'll be a starter. 329 00:16:50,362 --> 00:16:51,951 No, thanks, Coach. I'm good. 330 00:16:52,656 --> 00:16:54,116 What did you say? 331 00:16:54,158 --> 00:16:57,121 I said, "Thank you, Coach." Thanks. 332 00:16:57,745 --> 00:16:58,904 Run it again. 333 00:17:00,456 --> 00:17:03,032 -Right now? -(SHOUTS) Run it again! 334 00:17:07,338 --> 00:17:09,785 Blue 18! Blue 18! 335 00:17:10,215 --> 00:17:11,546 Set! Hut! 336 00:17:17,306 --> 00:17:18,894 PLAYER: What are you doing? 337 00:17:19,850 --> 00:17:20,923 Good times. 338 00:17:22,853 --> 00:17:23,926 (GRUNTS) 339 00:17:25,689 --> 00:17:29,025 "Darren Larson, my parents are first cousins." 340 00:17:29,026 --> 00:17:31,173 -(LAUGHS) -That's horrible. 341 00:17:32,071 --> 00:17:35,907 "Larry Summers, I've never been to Disneyland." 342 00:17:35,908 --> 00:17:37,926 -Lame! -That's not even a secret. 343 00:17:39,370 --> 00:17:41,044 "Chester Tam..." 344 00:17:43,165 --> 00:17:45,871 Oh, what is it, silly? Who's Chester? 345 00:17:45,876 --> 00:17:49,914 He's the soon-to-be ex-mascot of the Mountain Goats. 346 00:17:50,673 --> 00:17:51,961 Notebook. 347 00:17:53,008 --> 00:17:55,714 Hey, look, I'm gonna show Thad my notebook, 348 00:17:55,719 --> 00:17:57,093 then I'm gonna pass it to you behind my back. 349 00:17:58,389 --> 00:18:00,235 No! No way. 350 00:18:00,265 --> 00:18:03,143 I am tired of letting that prick ruin our good times, 351 00:18:03,143 --> 00:18:06,521 so I'm gonna tell the guy he sucks and I don't have my notebook. 352 00:18:06,522 --> 00:18:08,884 And then I'm gonna get my ass kicked, not you. 353 00:18:08,899 --> 00:18:10,875 Look, this is not a negotiation, all right? 354 00:18:10,901 --> 00:18:12,962 I listened to you last night and everything went to shit. 355 00:18:12,987 --> 00:18:15,306 Now I'm hung over and Denise won't talk to me. 356 00:18:15,781 --> 00:18:18,057 Well, you should be thanking me. 357 00:18:18,075 --> 00:18:19,234 That girls sucks. 358 00:18:20,077 --> 00:18:21,279 What'd you say? 359 00:18:21,996 --> 00:18:23,971 I said your girlfriend sucks. 360 00:18:23,998 --> 00:18:26,574 Look, she introduces you to a couple of accounting majors 361 00:18:26,583 --> 00:18:27,872 at your first Goathouse party 362 00:18:27,918 --> 00:18:30,022 and then gives you shit about drinking a beer? 363 00:18:30,045 --> 00:18:31,204 -Notebook. -Hold on. 364 00:18:31,255 --> 00:18:34,382 Plus, there is no way that that girl is a virgin. 365 00:18:34,383 --> 00:18:37,776 Virgins don't go to state colleges. Wake up! 366 00:18:37,928 --> 00:18:41,622 - I said "notebook," buttmunch. -Say that again. 367 00:18:42,391 --> 00:18:43,979 Say that shit again. I dare you. 368 00:18:45,060 --> 00:18:46,133 All of it? 369 00:18:48,188 --> 00:18:50,808 (GRUNTING) Yeah! Dog pile! 370 00:18:52,609 --> 00:18:53,639 Get 'em! 371 00:18:54,194 --> 00:18:55,740 No! Don't break 'em up. 372 00:18:55,779 --> 00:18:59,198 That Moran kid seems to have a problem that needs correcting. 373 00:18:59,199 --> 00:19:01,990 THAD: He was gonna punch him in the face! Come on! 374 00:19:05,622 --> 00:19:07,726 Yeah. (SIGHS) 375 00:19:09,793 --> 00:19:12,284 Well, at least they didn't ask for my notebook. 376 00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:16,214 I'm sorry. 377 00:19:16,967 --> 00:19:20,011 I know it's hard without me running off my mouth 378 00:19:20,012 --> 00:19:21,901 and with all the pressure and the scholarships... 379 00:19:21,930 --> 00:19:23,175 Forget all that. 380 00:19:23,891 --> 00:19:25,952 I just want to have sex with Denise. 381 00:19:26,810 --> 00:19:29,344 I've had blue balls for two years. 382 00:19:29,813 --> 00:19:32,648 Do you have any idea what that feels like? 383 00:19:32,649 --> 00:19:34,066 I can't say that I do, no. 384 00:19:34,985 --> 00:19:40,655 But Denise says that all the pent up testosterone makes me play better. 385 00:19:44,828 --> 00:19:46,202 Okay, listen. 386 00:19:46,246 --> 00:19:49,425 (CLEARING THROAT) All I'm saying is that you can be king of this school. 387 00:19:50,375 --> 00:19:53,510 But what's the point of being king if you can't enjoy it? 388 00:19:54,338 --> 00:19:56,613 Me? I'm gonna end up a middle-school gym teacher, 389 00:19:56,632 --> 00:19:58,650 just like my dad, and I'm okay with that. 390 00:19:58,675 --> 00:20:02,136 But I owe it to myself to get drunk and laid 391 00:20:02,137 --> 00:20:05,348 as often as possible over the next four years. 392 00:20:05,349 --> 00:20:07,324 And so do you. All right? 393 00:20:07,351 --> 00:20:09,584 Yo, you gonna cheat on your wife like your dad did, too? 394 00:20:09,603 --> 00:20:10,977 -See, I told you he'd show up. -(LAUGHING) 395 00:20:11,021 --> 00:20:12,653 -Here's your notebook. -Thank you. 396 00:20:12,689 --> 00:20:15,900 Hey, asshole! Get off the field, this is a closed practice! 397 00:20:15,901 --> 00:20:17,146 (COACH WHISTLES) 398 00:20:17,194 --> 00:20:19,083 Okay. Do you guys know where the trophy room is? 399 00:20:19,863 --> 00:20:21,323 What's in the trophy room? 400 00:20:21,365 --> 00:20:22,910 Trophies, Alex. 401 00:20:23,617 --> 00:20:24,732 And revenge. 402 00:20:39,758 --> 00:20:41,089 (MOANING) 403 00:20:45,430 --> 00:20:46,675 (MOANING CONTINUES) 404 00:20:53,188 --> 00:20:55,679 Whoa! 405 00:20:56,233 --> 00:20:59,318 I wonder which one turns you on more, Chester. 406 00:20:59,319 --> 00:21:03,698 The 1 982 men's basketball team trophy or the team photo? 407 00:21:03,699 --> 00:21:06,909 What are you talking about, idiot? I dropped my ring in my pants. 408 00:21:06,910 --> 00:21:08,112 Sure, you did. 409 00:21:08,412 --> 00:21:11,718 Page 26 of the Goatbook! "Chester Tam. 410 00:21:12,249 --> 00:21:17,003 "l jerk off in the trophy room every morning in full mascot gear." 411 00:21:17,004 --> 00:21:20,256 It's for good luck, okay? Some people carry around a lucky rabbit's foot... 412 00:21:20,257 --> 00:21:23,843 And some people jerk off in trophy rooms, I get it. 413 00:21:23,844 --> 00:21:25,304 I get it. 414 00:21:25,345 --> 00:21:28,094 Listen. I've drawn up your resignation, 415 00:21:28,098 --> 00:21:29,601 all you gotta do is sign it 416 00:21:29,641 --> 00:21:31,874 and we can forget all this ever happened. 417 00:21:32,394 --> 00:21:34,498 You think you can just blackmail me? Huh? 418 00:21:34,521 --> 00:21:37,982 I'm untouchable. I'm just gonna blackmail you right back. 419 00:21:37,983 --> 00:21:41,376 The camera's still on, bitch. I just videotaped you saying that. 420 00:21:41,862 --> 00:21:44,525 You also just videotaped yourself saying that you're blackmailing me. 421 00:21:44,990 --> 00:21:47,094 I'm gonna erase that part. 422 00:21:50,245 --> 00:21:51,705 (GUY SHUSHING) 423 00:21:52,873 --> 00:21:55,148 -Huh... -(GUY SHUSHING) 424 00:21:55,167 --> 00:21:56,540 (ALEX GRUNTING) 425 00:22:03,717 --> 00:22:05,950 -Oh, Shilo. -Go to hell. 426 00:22:05,969 --> 00:22:08,760 Gentlemen, we're assembled here today 427 00:22:08,764 --> 00:22:11,727 because these two pricks lost contact with their notebooks. 428 00:22:12,267 --> 00:22:13,727 What? 429 00:22:13,769 --> 00:22:15,272 I didn't lose my notebook. 430 00:22:15,312 --> 00:22:16,772 - Oh, no? ALEX: No. 431 00:22:17,314 --> 00:22:19,203 I know someone who would disagree. 432 00:22:19,566 --> 00:22:20,854 (PEOPLE MUTTERING) 433 00:22:21,944 --> 00:22:23,059 Thank you, Thad. 434 00:22:23,987 --> 00:22:28,866 As many of you know, I like to have sex with football players. 435 00:22:28,867 --> 00:22:30,241 (ALL CHEERING) 436 00:22:31,036 --> 00:22:34,214 I do it because I care about this team. 437 00:22:34,831 --> 00:22:38,954 A team is only as strong as its weakest player. 438 00:22:39,670 --> 00:22:43,105 And right now your weakest player is Alex. 439 00:22:45,259 --> 00:22:47,835 Alex didn't have his notebook with him yesterday. 440 00:22:48,887 --> 00:22:51,249 I know this because I had it. 441 00:22:52,933 --> 00:22:57,103 Alex was a bad, bad, bad, bad boy. 442 00:22:57,104 --> 00:22:58,263 Yeah. 443 00:22:58,313 --> 00:23:01,232 I think he deserves to be punished. 444 00:23:01,233 --> 00:23:02,348 ALEX: (GROANS) Okay. 445 00:23:02,401 --> 00:23:03,903 THAD: Grazie, Pauline. 446 00:23:06,697 --> 00:23:10,047 So, Thad, why am I here? I never lost my notebook. 447 00:23:10,784 --> 00:23:14,692 Oh, that's right, Mr. Perfect. 448 00:23:15,205 --> 00:23:17,266 You never lose anything. 449 00:23:18,083 --> 00:23:21,877 Well, let me introduce you to the first thing you'll ever lose. 450 00:23:21,878 --> 00:23:23,339 It's a chocolate cookie race! 451 00:23:23,380 --> 00:23:24,453 (ALL CHEERING) 452 00:23:25,465 --> 00:23:27,441 MASCOT: Yes! Yes! Yes! 453 00:23:28,302 --> 00:23:31,929 -Yes! Yes! Yes! -Who are you? 454 00:23:31,930 --> 00:23:35,881 I'm your new mascot. This is for you. 455 00:23:35,892 --> 00:23:37,996 It's Chester's letter of resignation. 456 00:23:38,020 --> 00:23:40,811 And this is for you. 457 00:23:42,357 --> 00:23:44,590 Who's fingering whose girlfriend now? 458 00:23:44,609 --> 00:23:47,229 -ls that my bed? -Yeah, and that's piss all over it. 459 00:23:47,237 --> 00:23:48,267 (ALEX AND SAMMY LAUGHING) 460 00:23:48,322 --> 00:23:49,394 That's sick. 461 00:23:49,865 --> 00:23:51,024 What's wrong with you? 462 00:23:51,074 --> 00:23:52,276 -What's wrong with you? - I don't know. 463 00:23:52,326 --> 00:23:55,160 -So you're the new mascot? -Yes, I am. 464 00:23:55,829 --> 00:23:58,836 -Where's your notebook? - I didn't get a notebook. 465 00:23:59,166 --> 00:24:00,325 You... Yeah, you need a... 466 00:24:00,959 --> 00:24:03,235 Get this guy a jockstrap and a cookie! 467 00:24:03,253 --> 00:24:04,799 (ALL CHEERING) 468 00:24:21,980 --> 00:24:23,697 Thad's racing with us? 469 00:24:23,732 --> 00:24:25,235 Wouldn't miss it. 470 00:24:25,275 --> 00:24:26,606 (LAUGHS) 471 00:24:26,651 --> 00:24:29,658 I am so sick of this shit. I'm winning this race. 472 00:24:30,364 --> 00:24:33,112 THAD: Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it, moron. 473 00:24:33,116 --> 00:24:35,092 -Okay. -Okay. 474 00:24:35,118 --> 00:24:38,120 The rules are we each put a cookie between our butt cheeks, 475 00:24:38,121 --> 00:24:39,925 then we race to the finish line. 476 00:24:39,956 --> 00:24:42,017 If you drop your cookie, you lose. 477 00:24:42,292 --> 00:24:46,888 Then the losers, a.k.a. you a-holes, will have to eat your cookies. 478 00:24:47,798 --> 00:24:49,258 This seems very gay. 479 00:24:49,925 --> 00:24:51,814 It's not gay! Stop saying that! 480 00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:55,051 Okay. 481 00:24:55,097 --> 00:24:56,385 On your mark, 482 00:24:57,599 --> 00:24:58,672 get set... 483 00:25:01,144 --> 00:25:02,346 Go! 484 00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:07,860 (ALL CHEERING) 485 00:25:12,114 --> 00:25:13,744 (EXCLAIMING) 486 00:25:20,288 --> 00:25:21,533 (ALL LAUGHING) 487 00:25:22,833 --> 00:25:25,925 I'm not winning. I'm not winning. I'm not winning. 488 00:25:27,629 --> 00:25:28,917 (SOBBING) 489 00:25:29,881 --> 00:25:33,703 Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? 490 00:25:41,143 --> 00:25:43,074 Why the hell is Thad racing? 491 00:25:45,313 --> 00:25:46,602 That's dedication. 492 00:25:48,525 --> 00:25:50,715 You want to do this? Let's do this. 493 00:25:52,529 --> 00:25:54,505 (LAUGHING) Come on! 494 00:26:14,217 --> 00:26:18,220 - SAMMY: Yes! I knew you were gonna win! - Enjoy that cookie, asshole! 495 00:26:18,221 --> 00:26:19,466 LARRY: Not so fast. 496 00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:23,102 I think you all forgot something. 497 00:26:23,894 --> 00:26:25,439 (ALL WHOOPING) 498 00:26:27,814 --> 00:26:30,219 It fell out your ass 1 0 yards back! 499 00:26:30,233 --> 00:26:32,037 I was watching the whole time! 500 00:26:32,068 --> 00:26:33,357 (LAUGHS) 501 00:26:34,029 --> 00:26:35,144 Yeah! 502 00:26:36,239 --> 00:26:40,621 Yeah! Yes! Yes! Eat it! 503 00:26:40,744 --> 00:26:43,063 Mess with the bull, you get the horns. 504 00:26:43,079 --> 00:26:44,196 Yeah! 505 00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:47,143 -Yeah! -What? Yeah! 506 00:26:49,044 --> 00:26:50,847 We had that asshole beat. 507 00:26:50,879 --> 00:26:51,994 ALL: (CHANTING) Cookie! Cookie! 508 00:26:52,047 --> 00:26:54,581 -Yeah, we did. -Yeah, we did. 509 00:26:54,591 --> 00:26:59,845 ALL: Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! 510 00:26:59,846 --> 00:27:03,098 - Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! -To college. 511 00:27:03,099 --> 00:27:04,645 -To college! -To college! 512 00:27:04,935 --> 00:27:10,606 ALL: Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! 513 00:27:10,607 --> 00:27:12,067 (ALL SCREAMING) 514 00:27:12,108 --> 00:27:13,611 (SCREAMING HYSTERICALLY) 515 00:27:34,965 --> 00:27:36,209 (SNIFFS) 516 00:27:49,312 --> 00:27:52,314 SAMMY: Tonight's episode featured music by Rev Theory, 517 00:27:52,315 --> 00:27:55,536 available now on bms.spike.com.38509

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