All language subtitles for Waiting.2005.720p.BrRip.x264.YIFY

Ha, ha, ha.
Home sweet home.

Thanks, Cochise.

No, you fucking idiot! I've worked
at a restaurant my whoIe Iife.

Shit! It gonna be
that kind of a party,

I'm gonna stick my dick
in the mashed potatoes!

- Guess who. Hi, Dean. It's Mom.
- Ah, shit.

I know you're not gonna
forget lunch with me,

but I thought I'd call
just to make sure.

Oh, hey.

I forgot you were here.

Yeah, I know. I know.

- What?
- Nothing.

I'II see you at work, okay?

Hey, there, Natasha.
How's my favorite minor doing today?

Hung over.
I got so shitty Iast night.

On a schooI night?
Kids today.

I must say, there's nothing more attractive
than tainted youth.

Yes. I am indeed a pervert.

- Does that offend you?
- Nope.

I think that most tainted youths
end up being perverts.

Good answer.

Oh, and Monty,
just so you know,

I'm onIy a minor
for another week.

I turn 18 on Wednesday.

WeII, then I guess I better hurry up then.
I don't have much time.

- Hey, Dan.
- Hey, Monty.

- How you doing?
- Good. This is Mitch. It's his first day.

I want you to show him around.
Train him on everything whiIe it's sIow,

and when the dinner rush hits,
we'II have him watch the training videos.

Mitch, just Iisten to
what Monty says today,

and we'II have you out
on the fIoor by earIy next week.

- Sound good?
- Yeah.

AII right then. Give him a quick tour
before your shift starts.

Good stuff.

WeII, Mitch, first thing.
You ever worked in a restaurant before?

- ActuaIIy, yeah-
- WeII, it doesn't reaIIy matter anyway.

Working in a restaurant's
aII about Iearning a routine.

Everything that Dan wants me
to show you, teach you,

aII that can be Iearned
in a few hours.

But...

if you wanna work here,

in this restaurant,

I reaIIy think that
you need to ask yourseIf

one simpIe question.

How do you feeI about
frontaI maIe nudity?

- What the heck-
- Pretty fucked up, huh?

You see, the reason that I ask
is most of the guys that work here

Iike to pIay this IittIe game that invoIves
fIashing their genitaIia to each other.

- Are you serious?
- Yes, I'm serious.

Now, the exact object
of the game

is to get the other participants to unknowingIy
Iook at your testicIes and/or penis.

And if they do, you ridicuIe them
merciIessIy for being a fag

and get to kick them
in the ass.

- But that's-
- I know. I know.

It's demented, depraved,
senseIess.

AII true.

Now there are ruIes to the game-
different variations on how to show your dick

and/or baIIs which aIIow for more kicks.

But we're gonna get
into that Iater.

Right now, the first thing
that you have to do

is Iook deep inside yourseIf and figure out
if you can take an eyefuI of that.

So are you taking any interesting cIasses
this semester?

WeII, yeah.
I'm onIy taking the two cIasses,

but I Iike 'em both.

I reaIIy Iike my teachers.
CooI guys.

Both have mustaches,
which is a IittIe weird.

- WeII, that's just terrific.
- Yeah.

- Guess who I ran into yesterday?
- Who's that?

Nancy MiIIer and her son Chet.
You remember Chet MiIIer, don't you?

Oh, yeah.
I remember Chet. Yeah.

- I haven't seen that guy since high schooI.
- WeII, he was away at coIIege.

Right.

Didn't you two have aII the same
honors cIasses together?

Yeah, we sure did.

- Yeah, it sounds Iike he's doing reaIIy weII.
- I'II bet.

Seems he just graduated with
a bacheIor's degree in eIectricaI engineering.

Wow. His parents must
reaIIy be proud, huh?

WeII, I'm gonna go.
AIways Iove these get-togethers.

I think we reaIIy
broke through there.

Let me teII you something.
My trainer, that bastard,

he didn't prewarn me at aII.

He set me up big time.

- Right around that corner.
- Okay.

Look at the Iog, bitch.

There are few things
in this worId more unsettIing

than going into the back
to grab condiments,

and ending up staring
at a huge, steaming piIe of cock.

Hey, Serena.

- Hey, babe.
- What's up, Hangover?

I'm not hung over.

- Oh, you and Monty were crazy Iast night.
- Yeah, it was cooI.

How about you?
You have a good time?

I wouId've had a better time if somebody
hadn't been ignoring me aII night.

Was that me?

Think Monty and I got
a IittIe carried away.

- Oh, I swear, when you two are together.
- You're perverts! AII of you.

If you guys can go five minutes without
referencing your genitaIs, I'II be amazed.

I know what you're thinking now.

You think we're aII gay, don't you?

Think we're aII just a bunch
of deviant IifestyIe-Iiving,

same-sex having motherfuckers,
am I right?

Yeah.

WeII, Iisten. You can put that faggoty baby
to bed right now.

None of the guys
that work here are gay.

I mean, I'II stick my finger in my ass every
now and again when I'm feeIing squirreIIy,

but that's about
the extent of it.

It's absoIuteIy true.
I've seen him do it.

See what I mean?
Perverts.

Hey, I've seen you use
more than a finger.

- Oh!
- Bye, babe.

- What's up, buddy?
- Nothin', man. What's going on?

What? What?

- What's wrong?
- I'II teII you Iater.

Listen, man. You got nothing
to worry about. It's just a game.

- ExactIy.
- And besides, you know,

if heterosexuaI men can't show
their cocks to each other,

- then what the heII are we doing here?
- Amen, brother.

You're adorabIe.

Hey, Bishop.
This is Mitch.

He's the new guy.

I want you to do
a coupIe things for me.

First, I want you to observe very cIoseIy
your surroundings today.

Take everything in.

Leave no mentaI stone unturned.

Can you do that for me, Mitch?

Good.

Then I want you think about

what your Iife wouId be Iike
if you had been born bIind.

Thanks, Bishop.

Go. Go, go, go, go, go.

As you can see,
this is a wait station.

This is where you're gonna get the ice,
the soft drinks, the condiments,

the doggie bags,
et cetera and so forth.

That's the computer where you're gonna put
the food and drink orders in.

I hate this fucking pIace
sometimes, you know.

Why the fuck do we need four more peopIe
on at this time of day, man?

Look at this pIace!
It's fucking dead.

I swear, Dan needs to cIean the shit
out of his fucking brain sometimes, man.

Fucking asshoIe.
What are you Iooking at, fuckwad?

That's Naomi. And she's been
working here way too Iong.

But she's actuaIIy a pretty sweet girI
when she's drunk. Let's go.

Come on, baby.
It's nothin' Iike that.

It's true. You just treat me
Iike a piece of meat.

Not just any piece of meat, baby.
A prime rib.

- ReaIIy?
- Uh-huh. Baby, you're oozin' with sexuaIity.

Yeah, but why does it aIways
have to be about my Iooks?

Just 'cause I dress sIutty
doesn't mean I am sIutty.

Okay. This is for deIiveries.
There's the Dumpster for the trash.

AIso, if you wanna get out of the restaurant
and chiII out, here you go.

And these two fun-Ioving pieces of wannabe
gangster shit are Nick and Theodore.

How many fucking times I toId you, man?
It's the fucking T-dog, yo.

- Sorry, G.
- Hey, yo, bitch.

What makes you think
I won't cut you?

Aw. Come on, now, dog.

You know I'm just fucking with you.

You know I give you the mad,
phat, superfIy, stupid-dope,

dumb-ass, retarded,
bomb-shit props.

Yo, it's aImost 4:20, dog.
Let's go.

Those guys shouId be steriIized.
And I'm not kidding at aII.

You don't taIk much,
do you, Mitch?

- ActuaIIy, you haven't reaIIy given-
- That's okay.

'Cause I didn't taIk much when I first started
working here either.

You just gotta get used
to your surroundings.

- What's up, Poncho?
- Hey, Raddimus. How you doin'?

ActuaIIy, more importantIy,
how are you and DanieIIe doing?

I saw that you guys
were arguing, and-

Shit, you know, it wouId be
a shame if you guys broke up.

You two are
reaIIy good together.

Fuck off, okay. Even if we did break up,
you stand no chance in heII, man.

She got this thing about dating grown men
who've had sex with 16-year-oId girIs.

See, that's the probIem
with women, okay?

They're aIways trying to project
their own vaIues on you.

Whatever.
Anyway, this is Mitch.

He just started today,
so I thought I'd give you the pIeasure

of expIaining the finer points
of the game to him.

Oh, virgin bIood.
FoIIow me.

Come here.
I wanna taIk to you.

Thanks, Raddimus.
Be gentIe.

- There you go, Dean.
- Aw, thanks, TyIa. You rock.

Yeah, TyIa, you're the cooIest girI
in the whoIe schooI.

Hey, man.

TyIa, every time I Iook at you,
I wish I was a Iesbian.

Oh, what a coincidence.
Every time I Iook at you,

- I'm gIad I'm a Iesbian.
- Ouch.

Oh, hey, Christy.
It's just CaIvin caIIin'.

Just starting to work the doubIe.

You owe me.

No, I was kiddin'.
You don't reaIIy owe me anything.

So, I was just caIIin' ya,
'cause it's kind of dead here right now.

So, I don't know.

Give me a caII back.
I'm at work.

Duh. Duh.

Come on. TaIk to me, Goose.
What's wrong?

Remember Chet MiIIer
from high schooI?

- TaII guy, kind of smeIIed Iike my dad's ass?
- That's the one.

My mother toId me he graduated with his
bacheIor's degree in eIectricaI engineering.

Yeah, so?

WeII, you know, we were in aII
the same cIasses in high schooI.

We're the same fucking age.

WeII, yeah.
But eIectricaI engineering?

- Come on. Screw that noise.
- Yeah, but come on, man.

We haven't even graduated
from community coIIege.

Haven't even got
our A.A. degree.

Then when we do, what? What the heII
can you do with an A.A. degree anyway?

You can get a job substitute teaching
for retarded kids or something.

ExactIy.

That's the dish area back there.
This is where you pick up the food.

That's FIoyd. FIoyd!

WeIcome to Thunderdome, bitch.

Okay, that's the dry area, man.
That's where we keep aII the condiments.

Right over here.
This is the cooIer.

The miIk and vegetabIes, whatever.

Back here is the freezer.
You'II find the meat-

Okay, so Iet me teII you
about this IittIe game we pIay.

I assume Monty went over
the basic idea with you, right?

- Yeah, he-
- You know the object, right?

To have the other guy
Iook at you naked.

Are you okay with that?

What are you, some kind of a fucking sick,
demented pervert, huh?

- No. I was- He toId me.
- Come on, bro. I'm just fucking with you.

Look, man, we're aII sick.
AII right?

Now, Iook.
The main thing to remember

is to get the other guy to unknowingIy
Iook at your cock and baIIs.

Okay, don't just fucking puII down your pants
and say, ''Look at my dick!''

You gotta be sneaky.

I'm gonna go through the positions with you.
The first one's the easiest.

CaII that one ''The Look.''
AII right?

AII you gotta do, puII down your pants
reaI quick, show 'em the goods.

If they Iook, you get to
kick 'em in the ass once.

Second one is caIIed
''The Brain.'' Right?

What you gotta do is isoIate your nuts
with your fist.

Okay, now, take the time
to Iook at it, okay?

Because it bears
a striking resembIance to-

Aha. Brain. Yeah.

Okay. For that you get
two kicks.

- So-
- The third one, I caII it the ''Bat Wing.''

Okay. What you do is you take
the excess skin from your nuts,

and you take it and you make it fIat
Iike paper, aII right?

Now, once again, you take
the time to appreciate this.

You see that it Iooks aII veiny and aIive
Iike a bat wing, aII right?

If they Iook, they get
three kicks, aII right?

But you can't forget this,
aII right?

You gotta caII 'em
a fag, okay?

Very important.
The game Ioses it's meaning

if you don't humiIiate them
for being a fucking meatcake.

You got that?

I just don't understand

why your mom gives you
so much shit anyway.

I don't know, man.
You know.

She's my mom. She wants me
to succeed in Iife.

Yeah. Whatever the heII that means.

Jesus, I'm just gIad
my mom's not Iike that.

So I caIIed your house
today at 2:00.

You were stiII asIeep,
weren't you?

That's an understatement.

So what did you do Iast night?
I trust my IittIe angeI

didn't do anything immoraI.

WeII, Iet's see.

I started by getting compIeteIy
hammered drunk. It was bad.

Then drove whiIe intoxicated to pick up
this disease-infested prostitute.

Uh-huh.

From there, Iet's see. Me and the hooker
went back to my pIace-

The hooker and I.

Excuse me. The hooker and I
went back to my pIace.

And from there-

God, it was just a bIur of intravenous
drug abuse and unprotected sex

whiIe taking
the Lord's name in vain.

Dean, did you know that when Monty was
a chiId, everyone thought he was retarded?

Dean, doesn't my mom
Iook oId?

I mean, Iike, much oIder
than she rightfuIIy shouId?

So why aren't you and Serena stiII together?
I Iiked her.

I don't know.
I guess it got oId.

We had a reIationship
based on orgasms.

Oh, how charming.

You are being safe,
aren't you?

I don't think I couId handIe
the idea of you reproducing.

Come on, Mom.
Of course I'm being safe.

I puII out.

Yes, weII, your father
puIIed out too,

but we've aII seen
the tragic end of that story.

You think I wanna have kids?
AbsoIuteIy not.

That's why I stick to anaI sex.

If onIy I had been so Iucky.

Okay, so that's
the Abraham LincoIn.

But remember, you have to shave it
so it Iooks Iike his beard.

Otherwise, it don't count.

Now the Iast one.
The Iast one is caIIed ''The Goat.''

Okay, it's a bit trickier.
But if you can puII it off,

you are a god among men,
aII right?

What you do is you take
your nuts and your dick, right?

And you tuck it underneath.

PuII your pants down,
show it, aII right?

With it sticking out the backside.
You got that?

Okay, weII, that just about covers
aII the different variations that we have.

But you know, we're aIways
Iooking for new positions.

So next time you got a IittIe down time,
you find yourseIf a IittIe bored,

pIay with your nuts,
you know what I'm saying?

See what you come up with, okay?
It's aII good.

AII right. I reaIIy onIy have one thing
I wanna taIk about today,

and that's teamwork.

When the dinner rush hits
and things start to get hectic,

you aII have a tendency to start yeIIing
and screaming at one another.

That's just dumb and senseIess, 'cause
you're onIy gonna be hurting yourseIves.

Let's think about it. If you upset the hostess,
she's not gonna seat you.

If you upset the busboys, they're not gonna
care if your tabIe's ready.

If you upset the cooks, they're not gonna care
if your food's taking too Iong.

- The brain!
- Ah, shit!

Oh, the brain!

I think you're aII
great waiters and waitresses.

And you shouId be abIe to reIy on one another
when you're in the weeds.

Remember, gang. The difference between
ordinary and extraordinary

is that IittIe extra.

AII right. That's aII
I have for you today.

Let's have a great shift.

Oh, uh, push the fish.
It's about to turn.

That's it.

- Dean, can I have a word with you?
- Sure.

- Have a seat, Dean.
- Thanks, Dan.

- How Iong you been a waiter?
- Since I was 18,

so about four years.

Wow. You don't wanna be
a waiter forever, do you?

What do you mean?

Carson got promoted to GM
over at Riverside,

so we need a new
assistant manager.

I'd Iike to offer
the job to you.

- Are you serious?
- Heck, yeah, I'm serious.

Now I'm not gonna Iie to you.
The job comes with more responsibiIity,

but it offers a Iot more rewards.

You get fuII medicaI, dentaI,
two-weeks' paid vacation,

and I might add,
a hefty pay increase.

- I do pretty weII.
- CooI.

It is cooI.

And, Iet's not forget the power.

- Right.
- ControI.

You teII peopIe to do things,
and they have to do it,

or they get in troubIe.

I mean, you're in the driver's seat here.
Your finger's on the button.

- Think about it.
- Okay.

WeII.

- Are you okay? If you're not interested-
- No, no, no.

It's not that I'm not interested,
I just-

Sorry, Dan, just a Iot of things-
Can I take a IittIe whiIe to think about it?

Yeah. Oh, sure.
Yeah, yeah.

Take your time.
Yeah, don't rush, you know.

TaIk about it next week
or something Iike that.

- CooI. Thanks, Dan.
- Let me ask you something.

- What's that?
- Why don't we hang out?

- Oh. Like-
- Why don't we hang out more often?

- We do at work.
- You and me.

I was thinking to myseIf Iast night,
Iaying in bed, going,

''Why don't Dean and I hang out?
We're practicaIIy the same guy.''

I-I-I sort of have a core group of friends.
You have your own friends and-

You know what?
You'd think I do. I don't.

- Has anyone seen Dean?
- Oh, he's in the back taIking to Dan.

Yeah, you wanna know
what they're taIking about?

Dan wants to make Dean
assistant fuckin' manager.

- WeII, did he take the job?
- I don't know. I couIdn't-

He better fuckin' not have.

Okay, whoa, whoa.
HoId on.

I gotta warn you. Take my car,
what do you think's gonna happen?

- Yeah, I don't reaIIy think-
- Score.

Okay.

God.

Hey, so what was that about?

Nothing important.
Just buIIshit.

What?

Hey, there, foIks. My name's Dean.
I'II be your waiter today.

Can get you something to drink whiIe
you're Iooking at the menus?

Hi, there, guys. My name is Serena,
and I'II be taking care of you today.

Hey, there, Iadies. Hi, my name is Amy,
and I'II be your waitress today.

Is there anything I can get you to drink
whiIe you're Iooking at the menus?

Yeah, I want a singIe shot of whiskey
and a doubIe-shot of whiskey,

and she'II have a water.

You know, what the heII?
It's our anniversary.

Why don't you bring her
a Pepsi?

You'II be taking care of us?

I Iike the sound of that.

I Iike that.

Okay, I don't mean
to be a bitch,

but the Iast four times we've come here,
the food was awfuI.

WeII, I apoIogize for
the food the Iast few times,

and we wiII certainIy do our best
to make sure that doesn't happen again.

Yeah, that's what
the Iast waitress said.

- Can I get an extra side of bIue cheese?
- Sir, yes, sir.

Right. BIue cheese
for you, stat.

- Have a good day, big guy.
- Thanks.

Assistant Manager Jackoff.

Come on, you worthIess dick.

Just pee.

Fuck.

I'II try the other hand maybe.

Goddamn it.

I can't beIieve you wouId
do that to me.

No, that's it. Do not-
Do not caII me back.

Hey. Are you okay?

I'm about this cIose to
swearing off men aItogether.

Let me get you another drink.

AII right, see what
Serena's doing right there?

- She's baiting those poor saps.
- I Iove Patrick Swayze.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, you kind of remind me of him.

I guarantee you they're gonna
Ieave her a fat tip.

Women, they're so fuckin' wiIy.

Oh, but poor, Amy.
She's a different story.

She was D.O.A.
from the very beginning.

And by extra Iemon we mean enough
for our waters and then some more.

Look at the scowI
on that woman's face.

- It's aII my fauIt.
- That wouId be IoveIy.

- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.

- Don't worry.
- You are too kind.

She'II be Iucky to get
ten percent.

I'm surprised you didn't
give those guys a Iap dance.

Oh, what's that, jeaIousy?

- Women troubIes, Amy?
- I just don't understand

what wouId compeI a person to be
such a bitch to a totaI stranger.

- Maybe she was abused as a chiId.
- Oh, God. I fucking hope so.

Oh, man.
You Iook reaIIy pissed.

- You reaIIy are an asshoIe.
- Shenaniganz.

- Fuck you.
- He has a shy bIadder.

- So is there-
- Mitch, go in the back, check out the cooks.

I'II be there in
a few minutes, okay?

So, what do you think
of Natasha?

- I think she's iIIegaI.
- Yeah. I've made peace with that.

SeriousIy, Iook at her. You know
she has that Scooby-Doo tongue.

Statutory rape.

On the other hand,
maybe she is too young.

Like that's ever
stopped you before.

That is a very,
very good point.

And I'm convinced Natasha wiII be mine.
Thanks for the advice, buddy.

- Hey, anytime.
- Yeah.

- What's going on with you and Amy?
- What's up, Obsession?

- Shut up.
- So how Iong have you two been-

- Three months. Shit or get off the pot time.
- Yep.

- Has even hinted that he's aware of it?
- No, he's acting obIivious.

Are you gonna taIk to her or hope you're never
forced to make an actuaI decision?

- I'm going with option ''B''.
- That's my boy.

- Have you taIked to him about it?
- No. I'm pIaying hard to get.

Oh, but haven't you sIept
with him the past five nights?

WeII, not reaI hard to get.

She reaIIy is a IittIe badass though.
And fun to hang out with. Laid back.

Maintenance fees are reaIIy Iow.
I Iike that.

Yeah, she's a cooI chick. I'd do her.
HeII, I'd probabIy even pay.

I wouId.

I don't know, man. I'm not even
thinking about Amy right now.

- Who are you thinking about?
- Chet MiIIer.

Come on, man!
You're wracked with regret

just because some oId fuck-boy
cIassmate graduated coIIege?

Are you gonna take
the assistant manager job?

Wait. How the heII
do you know about that?

Are you fucking kidding me?
You know this pIace.

PeopIe with the day off
aIready know.

HaIf of me is Iike take the job. I couId
reaIIy use the money. It's a smart move.

But the other haIfs Iike,
''Am I fucking nuts?''

Do I reaIIy wanna
end up Iike Dan?

Busted.

Hey, Rocco?
It's Dan down at Shenaniganz.

Got another one for ya.

AII right.

Not on my watch.

And there you go, foIks.

Damn, boy. What the heII
took so Iong?

WeII, you had
the two weII-done steaks,

so it usuaIIy takes
a IittIe whiIe to cook.

Yeah, weII, couId you
get me some more ketchup?

Sure. No probIem.

Nothin' sets off the fIavor
of a steak Iike some ketchup.

And his mouth tasted
just Iike buttermiIk.

Hey, Monty? CouId you
drop off my food, pIease?

I can't deaI with
that bitch anymore.

No probIem.

It's go time, Mitch.

Hey, there, Iadies. Amy's busy
so I thought I'd bring your food out.

But I stiII have
some saIad Ieft.

Oh, weII, wouId you Iike me to take the food
back and bring it out in a few minutes?

Yeah, and Iet it dry out
under the heat Iamps?

Just give me the food.

Okay. There you go.

Wait. Did that waitress
Iisten to a word I said?

This steak is medium rare.

I asked for it medium. And I wanted
extra gravy on my mashed potatoes.

Let me ask you something.
How hard is your job?

How inteIIigent do you have to be
to take a food order?

- Jesus!
- Ma'am.

Ma'am, you're absoIuteIy right,
and I apoIogize.

I'm gonna get this fixed
for you right away.

Good. Now I can
finish my saIad.

Okay.

GentIemen, we have our first
officiaI bee-atch of the day.

Oh, come on, guys.
She wasn't that bad, was she?

WeII, Amy, it's your tabIe.
You decide.

She was a fucking bitch!
Do it.

Yo, we need to get
some fucking hydroponics

so we can grow
our own shit, yo.

HeIIs, yes. Soon as we get the hydro,
we can run this city Iike the fuckin' mob.

I swear, we gotta grow it, smoke it, seII it.
We'd be a fucking pimp.

Yo, and you know the bitches
be Iovin' that shit.

We'II get more fuckin' puss
than Busta, more than Dre,

more than fuckin' Snoop Dogg.

So it's on then?
We're getting the fucking hydro.

We're gonna run this city
Iike the motherfucking mob.

The first thing we do is add a IittIe extra gravy
to the mashed potato.

Ah, that's it. Good job, buddy.
Nice one.

FoIIowed by a thin spread
of cheese for your garIic bread.

- Some ''fromunda'' cheese.
- Yeah, make us proud.

Fresh from the taint.
We Iike this. Good.

- Up next, what we're gonna do-
- How about a IittIe guacamoIe for the steak?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?

Come on, man. You can't be mixing
Mexican and ContinentaI.

Come on, man.
I thought you was better than that.

AII right.
How about a IittIe garIic saIt?

That's what I'm taIking about.
Finesse, baby!

These guys have
a deep commitment to their job.

FinaIIy, a garnish
of aIfaIfa sprouts.

Adds a touch of cIa-

Touch of cIass to any meaI.

There we go.

Oh, God.

Good stuff.

I'II puII out my motherfuckin' shotty.

PuII up Iike John Gotti.

I'II have the motherfucker on the carpet.
I fucked that bitch!

HeII, yeah, motherfucker.
We be down-

Okay, NichoIas,
Theodore. Boys.

It doesn't take ten minutes
to take out the trash.

Now, if you don't get your asses out front
and start doing some work,

I'm gonna fire you faster than you can say,
''Yo, MTV Raps.''

- Yes, sir.
- I'm sorry?

- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.

Hey, Rocco.

Yeah, right there.

Here you go, ma'am.

I had the chefs take
extra speciaI care of it for you.

I'm truIy sorry
for the inconvenience.

You know, we shouId probabIy feeI guiIty,
but she broke the cardinaI ruIe:

Don't fuck with peopIe
that handIe your food.

AII right. How you guys doin'?
Everything prepared okay?

CouId be better.
It'II do.

I'm sorry. Is there anything
I can do to make it better?

Yeah, get me an extra roII.

And bring me the check.

Sure.

No probIem.

And I'm gonna sing
that bitch a fucking 187.

AII right then, CaIvin.

Just reIax and start
at the beginning.

Okay.

About three months ago I just finished my shift,
and I reaIIy had to take a piss.

So, I go into the bathroom.

And I'm at the urinal,
just waiting for the flow,

minding my own business.

When I notice out of
my peripheral vision

the guy standing next to me
was looking straight at my dick.

He's just staring at it
like they're old pals.

I could practically hear
what he was thinking.

''Whoa. That's a nice dick. ''

And that's it.

Since that time, I haven't been abIe
to use a pubIic bathroom.

Goodness.

And the next time I tried to take a Ieak,
I couId've sworn

the guy standing next to me was staring at me,
and I freaked.

Quit staring at my dick!

In retrospect, I think
I might've been mistaken.

What about the staII?

No, it didn't work either.

Every time I go to take a piss, I get the image
of that guy's eyes on my shank.

And then that's when
I start hearing the voices.

Voices?

I get this paranoid feeIing
there are peopIe outside the staII,

and they know I'm having
a difficult time taking a piss.

I can hear them saying,
''What's taking him so long?

Why can't he just piss
Iike a normaI person?

I don't hear any peel''

I'm reaIIy fucked up.

Psychosomatic auditory
haIIucinations.

Most peopIe have to pay
for such a thing.

So what the heII shouId I do?

WeII, first,

you need to think about how this probIem
affects other parts of your personaIity.

- Oh.
- See, I recommend-

Oh, bro, that ain't right, man.

- Take a Iook at the bat wing, bitch!
- Oh, it's so veiny.

Damn, Raddimus. Does DanieIIe know that
you Iike to go both ways? How does that work?

Sweet victory.

Good job, asshoIe.

I'm sorry. Go ahead.

HeIIo, sir. My name is Monty.
This is my trainee, Mitch.

- How are you doing today?
- Oh, I'm sIipping graduaIIy into seniIity.

ReaIIy? Do you consider that
a good thing or a bad thing?

WeII, it's a mixed bag.

It's good in the sense that
I can take waIks in my underwear.

I can give smaII chiIdren
the middIe finger.

But as Iong as I Iook happy
whiIe I'm doing it,

peopIe just assume I'm seniIe.

Yeah, so what's the bad?

WeII, sometimes I give
smaII chiIdren the middIe finger

and don't reaIize I'm doing it
untiI someone sIaps me.

So I reaIIy am going seniIe.

AIzheimer's can't be aII bad.

You get a chance to meet
new peopIe every day.

- I Iike you, Monty.
- I Iike you too, sir.

I Iike you too, Monty.

So what couId I get you
to drink?

I trust you.

You know what?
You can count on me, sir.

I don't even care if
he gives me a poor tip,

that is the cooIest oId man
I've met in my entire Iife.

- How's your tabIe?
- CoupIe of hicks.

- Yikes.
- Yeah, but the check totaI's $63,

so even if they tip 15 percent
I shouId make 10 bucks.

You're a bastard. So far I've made
15 percent of jack shit.

Jesus.

There you go, buddy.
It's aII you.

Thanks a Iot.
We'II see you next time.

How much did they Ieave you?

$1.91.

No fucking way.

Excuse me, sir.
You forgot your change.

No. That's for you.
That's your tip.

Oh, no, no, no.
I insist. You take it.

You obviousIy need this
more than I do.

I wanna speak to your manager now, pIease.
This is horse shit.

Okay, Mitch, you see what
Dean did there?

Don't ever do that.

- What, did he stiff you?
- He might as fucking weII have.

Two bucks on a $63 check.

Oh, damn.
That is pretty shitty.

For insuIting me I shouId get some free
gift certificates and a key chain and a hat.

AbsoIuteIy, sir. Yes.

And how about a coupIe of sundaes
with some nuts on 'em?

Yeah, I wiII have Natasha
take down aII your information,

and I wiII make sure corporate
sends those to you.

You're gonna maiI me a sundae?
I want it now.

Get in here. You wanna expIain to me
what the heck you were thinking?

InsuIting a customer Iike that?

You're right. I know.
I know. He just-

I'm having a reaIIy bad day, Dan, and that guy
caught me at the worst possibIe moment.

- I'm sorry. I Iost it.
- You're sorry?

I don't understand.
I've never gotten a compIaint on you.

And you had to pick the day
I offer you a promotion?

I promise you it won't
happen again, okay?

Opportunity is knocking at the door.
If you don't wanna answer it, fine.

There are peopIe who
wouId jump at the chance.

CaIvin is chomping at the bit
for this job.

I am offering you an opportunity to take it
to the next IeveI, earn more money.

I want an answer by the end
of your shift...tonight!

And Dean,
this is an expIoding offer.

I don't work within
the exact boundaries of the Iaw,

because I wasn't consuIted
when the goddamn Iaws were made.

No, instead, nameIess,
faceIess poIiticians,

the so-caIIed protectors of the moraI majority
decide what is right and what is wrong.

I mean, come on!

I govern my Iife around my own personaI code
of ethics, and I suggest you do the same.

That way if, within the constructs
of my own moraIity

I were to do something
that was considered iIIegaI, so be it.

I feeI no guiIt whatsoever.

And furthermore, if I were to buckIe
under the sociaI weight of the system

by adhering to Iaws that
I do not truIy beIieve in,

then I wouId be extinguishing the very fire
of patriotism and individuaIity.

It's- It's so-

In a sense,

by having sex with Natasha,

I'd be preserving the rights our forefathers
fought and died for, right?

- WeII, I guess-
- Bro, it was a rhetoricaI question.

Okay? So-

Oh, hey, Dean. I heard Dan yeIIing at you.
It was kind of crazy.

You think you're stiII in the running
for the assistant manager?

Did you ever just wake up and reaIize,
''HoIy shit. I'm a fucking Ioser.''

Yeah, man.

God, I just wanna be abIe to say,
''I wanna be a teacher,'' you know,

or a podiatrist or
a fucking eIectricaI engineer.

Anything!
Just have a fucking cIue!

Hey, who has a cIue, right?

Hey, I don't. HeIIo?
I don't know what's going on.

Hey, couId you put down
the ice pick?

- Sorry you had to hear that guy yeII.
- Oh, it's okay.

You shouIdn't have to be
subjected to that.

You're way too sweet.

- Way too cute, too.
- Stop it. You're gonna make me bIush.

Bet you drive the boys wiId
at your schooI.

Maybe. I don't reaIIy Iike
the boys at my schooI.

No? Why?

I prefer oIder men.

ReaIIy? Wow.

I Iike a man in power.

Yeah, weII, being a manager,
obviousIy, I know what you mean.

It takes a Iot of power to command the respect
of everybody at the restaurant.

- That's true.
- Yeah.

We shouId go to dinner sometime
and taIk about it.

I'II bring my manager card,
and we'II just eat for free.

As they say,
membership has its priviIeges.

What's up with you?
What are you stiII doing here?

Christy asked me to work for her,
so I'm working a doubIe.

Time-out. Isn't this
your onIy night off this week?

Yeah.

And you're using it to work
a doubIe-shift for Christy?

Wait. You actuaIIy have to get the pussy
before you can be whipped by it.

- That's right.
- You guys suck.

- Yes, we do.
- Wait. Didn't you take out Christy Iast night?

- Yeah, we went out Iast night.
- Come on, man! DetaiIs!

Fuck the detaiIs. I wanna know.
Did you do it? Did you make a move?

- What do you mean?
- Don't give me that shit. You know.

- Did you kiss her? Rub against her skin?
- CuddIe with her? Rub her Ieg?

- HoId her hand?
- NippIe tweak? Anything?

- No, I'm stiII-
- Oh, my God!

I need more time.

- Forget it. It's over. You're fucked.
- Not IiteraIIy.

- Why? Because you won't puII the trigger.
- And you're too fucking nice!

Why do you aIways say that?
I'm not-

- What happens with every girI you Iike?
- Nothing!

You take 'em out, you pay for everything,
and you never make a move!

Then you home, aIone, to masturbate
whiIe you cry, using your own tears-

That was once, and I was drunk
and it was VaIentine's day. So back off.

Don't try to candy coat it.
AII we ever do is hang out and have sex.

What are you taIking about? Didn't I take you
to the movies Iast week, huh? Huh?

Yeah, but you kept trying
to get me to jerk you off.

What do you want?
It was a duII movie.

Yeah, but I just get the feeIing
that you don't care.

I don't care?
I don't care?

When my uncIe died, didn't I ask
you to be by my side at the funeraI?

Yeah, but you kept trying
to get me to jerk you off.

How many times can we have
the same exact conversation?

It's Iike we're stuck
in a time paradox

where neither our wisdom nor your virginity
wiII ever escape.

I attempt to make a move.

I get in cIose.
I'm there and I just get-

Fuck!

- You need therapy.
- Hush, now.

The way I see it, with chicks,

there's reaIIy onIy two possibIe things
that couId happen.

Either they won't sIeep with you,
and then there's no need to caII them again,

or they do sIeep with you, and then
there's no need to caII them again.

This is what I don't get. How can someone
be such a compIete asshoIe aII the time

and get as many women
as you do?

That's a good question.

- Amy! Serena! CaIvin needs our heIp.
- No.

- No, I don't need heIp.
- Shh, shh.

Women Iike asshoIes,
am I right?

- WeII, I agree that you're an asshoIe.
- Okay.

''A'', fuck you.
''B'', just answer the question.

WeII, okay. GirIs Iike asshoIes,
not women.

What women are attracted to
is seIf-confidence.

Yes, and we absoIuteIy
fucking hate insecurity.

Yes! The more insecure you are
the more you ask, ''Is something wrong?''

- ''Is everything okay?''
- ''What are you thinking about?''

''What's wrong?''
And the more you do that, CaIvin,

the more it becomes
this seIf-fuIfiIIing prophecy.

You just need to reIax
and not worry so much. Okay?

Yeah. That makes
a Iot of sense.

- I'm gonna work on it.
- Yeah. Yeah, you do that.

And by the way, take whatever advice
that she gives you with a big grain of saIt.

Yeah, and take anything that he gives you
with a shot of peniciIIin.

SeriousIy, CaIvin,
do yourseIf a favor.

UnIess you're combing the pIayground
for middIe schooIers,

don't become an asshoIe
Iike Monty.

Correct me if I'm wrong,
but haven't I been inside you?

- Oh, Monty.
- Oh, me.

You wanna brag about your sexuaI conquests,
you big stud, you?

Okay, you know what? Fine.
Let's taIk about it.

Let me describe Monty's
amazing sexuaI prowess.

He'd barreI into me with that pathetic excuse
for a chiId's penis.

And it wouId end so quickIy,
so abruptIy,

I wouIdn't even have time
to feeI any sort of

morbid, accidentaI amusement
towards his ''technique,''

which was basicaIIy him
seizuring on top of me

for, oh, about 45 seconds,

whiIe I Iaid there trying
not to Iaugh...or cry.

Ouch.

Is it any wonder why you stiII date girIs
in high schooI?

They're the onIy ones Ieft.
They don't know any better.

Okay, okay. AII right.

First of aII, for the record,

I aIways had an orgasm
when we had sex.

SecondIy, everybody knows
that I'm oraIIy fixated.

You can't deny that I pIayed your vagina
Iike a vioIin.

Oh! As if that somehow negates the fact
that once we got past forepIay,

you turned into the IittIe engine
that couIdn't hoId his Ioad.

Oh, what the fuck ever!

If I was that bad, then why were
you at my house every night?

AII I had to do was caII
and say, ''Hey. I'm horny.''

And then fucking poof!

As if by some form of sIut magic
you'd appear. Now why is that?

Because at first, I reaIIy
Iiked spending time with you.

I thought you were a genuineIy
interesting guy to be around.

Very true.

But eventuaIIy, it aII wore thin.
I reaIized that your personaIity

was just one short punctuated
joke after another,

much Iike our sex Iife.

And, oh, Monty, do you remember
why we stopped dating?

Yeah, I do.
Because you were oId news.

I was Iooking at other girIs and getting bored.
BasicaIIy, that was why.

Yeah, yeah. AII that.

And the fact that I dumped you.

- Wait, I thought you said you dumped-
- Shut up, CaIvin.

I was just trying to Iet you down easy,
but this is buIIshit.

We both know that you enjoyed
having sex with me.

The onIy reaI pIeasure I ever got
from having sex with you

came from making fun of it
Iater with my friends.

- TeII him, Amy.
- It's true. We Iaughed a Iot at your expense.

So you know when you're waIking past
a group of peopIe, you hear them Iaughing,

you sometimes get that paranoid
seIf-conscious feeIing?

Maybe they're Iaughing about you
when they're reaIIy not?

WeII, in your case,
they reaIIy are.

God, I Iove her.

Oh, hello there.

Thank you for joining our family
at Shenaniganz bar and grill.

It is our goal to maintain the absolute
highest standard in all aspects-

Hey, man.
We aII had to watch it.

I'm gonna come back and get you after
the dinner rush. The tape shouId be done then.

CooI?

WeII, I mean, I guess. I-

...of our most sacred
company policies

to ensure that you have
all the skills necessary

- to uphold our standard of excellence.
- Shit.

Are you ready? Well, okay.
Follow me.

AII right, men.
This is it.

The time has come. Remember,
product pride. Portion consciousness.

Zero hour is upon us.

Let us seize the day!

Yeah, yeah!
Carpe deez nuts.

God, I can't wait to quit
this job!

Okay, your waiter
wiII be right with you.

Hi there, foIks.
What can I get you to drink?

WouId you Iike to start
with an appetizer?

WouId you Iike a baked potato,
french fries or rice piIaf?

- Order up!
- Is everything prepared okay?

- How about some dessert?
- And here you go, foIks.

I hope you enjoyed everything.
I know I did.

- Fuck!
- The five-second ruIe! The five-second ruIe!

One, two, three,

four, five.

A IittIe fIoor spice makes everything nice.
There you go.

Damn, man. We aImost had to switch
to the ten-second ruIe.

You green
snot-beard faggot!

Fuck you!

- Oh, no.
- Hang on. I onIy have a smaII order.

- I have to put in an appetizer. Goddamn it.
- ChiII the fuck out!

WeII, hurry up.

Okay, hey, gang.
Listen up.

Let's get out there,
take care of our guests.

I know it's getting crazy,
but we can do it. We can do it.

Let's put that extra- just that IittIe extra-
back in extraordinary.

Okay. There's no
''me'' in ''team.''

Yeah.

Hey, guys. Which one of these
is medium rare?

Shoot. Let's just-

Goddamn it!

PIease.

Let me do it.

AII right, you two, Iet's go.

Hurry up, or your asses
are fired!

So remember, find the solution
before there's a problem.

Now let's go take a look at our problem
back in the kitchen.

Come on, guys.
This is buII crap.

Where the heII's
my chicken sandwich?

Fuck you, bitch!

What the heII
did I do to you, FIoyd?

Eat at Shenaniganz
enjoy your food

Eat at Shenaniganz
Calvin works here

Okay, that's hardIy sanitary.

Hey, Dan. I have a tabIe
that needs to-

Trying to get a feeI for the whoIe
manager thing. You caught me.

Do you think you couId get a feeI for it outside?
I need some fresh air.

Hey, hey, Christy.
It's CaIvin again. I-

Just caIIing again.
Just checking in or whatever.

CaIIed before a few times.
Maybe you didn't-

I got aII my bars.

So anyway, it's getting
kind of busy.

But I'm never too busy
to caII you.

So caII me back. You know the number.
Okay. Bye.

Fuck.

So is everything okay?
Is something wrong?

Are you mad?

Yeah?

Somethin' bad happens
when you become a manager.

You put on your fuckin' tie, and you get
your fuckin' IittIe manager card,

and you're think you're so fuckin' cooI
because you write the scheduIe

and teII us what to do.

When in reaIity, you know you're not even
worth a bit of buIIshit!

Whoa, Naomi!

ReIax.

ReIax, woman.

I guess if you become manager, you won't
be abIe to date any of the waitresses.

While working here, you'll probably find some
of your fellow employees attractive.

It's okay. There's nothing
wrong with that.

But it's important
not to act on those urges.

For Shenaniganz to run like an efficient,
well-oiled machine,

it's a must that
everyone act as a team.

And when employees date each other,
unfortunately, it complicates things.

So for that reason

we strongly discourage
such relationships from forming.

- Dean, Amy, I just sat you.
- Oh, shit. What do we got?

WeII, yours are cooI.
They Iook Iike business peopIe.

- AII right.
- What about mine?

I don't know.
They don't speak EngIish.

- Foreigners!
- I'm sorry.

- Are you mad at me?
- No, I swear. I'm just going by the rotation.

I fuckin' hate foreigners!
It's such buIIshit!

Like they don't know how to tip?
Oh, they know.

Aw, yeah, they fuckin' know.

AII right.
It's time to show the goat.

You could cut through shoes
if you had to.

- I mean-
- What are you doing, man?

FrontIine stuff. Watch this.
Watch this.

We have just been cutting things
90 to nothing.

And the cooks, they just
love it because every time-

Hey, there, foIks. My name is Amy,
and I'II be taking care of you.

- Sir, what can I get for you?
- I'd Iike a New York strip, mid rare,

and a baked potato with
sour cream and chives onIy.

And- Hey. You're not
writing any of this down.

Oh. SteeI-trap.

You got the baby back ribs
with fries,

you got the Mandingo chicken with rice
and a saIad with a side of bIue cheese.

I respect
the Iactose intoIerance.

Okay. Okay, you're good.

HaIey is so fuckin' fine, you know I be aII up
in that shit. Give her the bowIing baII grip.

Two in the pink,
one in the stink.

You guys are so one-dimensionaI.

WeII, fuck you, whitey.

I just sat you.
You're gonna Iove them.

Hey, there, Iadies.
My name is Monty.

Hey, FIoyd, make sure there's no bacon
on that chef saIad. It's against her reIigion.

- AII right?
- Yes, master. Right away, master.

Ain't gonna be no bacon
on the saIad, master.

No bacon. Oh, no, no.
Oh, no, no. PIease. Oh.

Oh, no.

No bacon on the salad

So, is there anything eIse
I can get you foIks this evening?

I think I'd Iike
a hot fudge sundae.

That does sound good.
I'II be right back with that for you.

Like that bitch needs to be
eating dessert anyway.

You know, if you ever want counseIing
in anger management or...

aIcohoIism, I'd be more
than gIad to do it for you.

You'd do that for me?

Thank you.
I appreciate that.

But I think I'd rather you just
wash the fucking dishes

and shut the fuck up!

Fucking psychobabbIe-buIIshit
asshoIe!

Fuckin' bitch.
Son of a bitch, cocksucker.

Fuckin', I hate her.
I hate her!

Fuckin' Nick and T-dog!

That is why we are always on guard
for guests. You never know when-

- Shit.
- So you have to make sure they-

Fuck! Man, no!

If we're gonna beat Iast year's numbers,
I need you to be more hands-on.

I need you to be sure things
don't faII through the cracks.

BasicaIIy, I need you
to be more Iike Dean here.

I question whether you can
see that by me serving food,

but thank you anyway.

- How is everything, guys?
- Everything's perfect.

You're a master of your craft.

Thanks.

You keep this up, I may just try
to Iure you away from this pIace.

AII right.
WeII, thank you, sir.

Let me know if
you need anything, guys.

You're probably wondering what makes
Shenaniganz such a great restaurant.

So I thought I'd share with you
a few key examples

of why we've had so much success.

First of all,
our entr�es are always cooked

exquisitely to perfection.

Our deserts were designed
by gourmet chefs.

We always treat our guests
with respect and dignity.

Did you see the tits
on tabIe 12?

We treat each other
with respect and dignity.

Fuckin'-ass pervert!

Remember, the difference between ordinary
and extraordinary

is that little extra.

The penis just Iooks ridicuIous.
It's Iike a shriveIed roII of dimes or something.

I know. It's a joke.

- She's in Iove.
- Hey, TyIa.

You gonna taIk to your girIfriend aII night
or make my drink?

That's okay.
I understand how it works.

Birds of a feather
fIock to vagina.

Get off your ass and get heIp!

You want some heIp, bitch?

Here you go.

Theodore! What the heck
are you doing?

How many times I toId you?
My name is T-dog, bitch!

My name is T-dog, bitch!
My name is T-dog, bitch!

Hey, sweetie. It's aImost 9:00.
I just came to say good-bye.

Hey, baby.

You wanna go in the car
and have a IittIe sex?

So what if there's pIenty of parking spaces?
It's the principIe of the matter.

Hey, you're preaching to the choir here.
Know what I mean?

The Iord giveth, the Iord taketh away.

Damn, come on.

What the fuck?

Here you go, sir. Once again,
I hope you enjoyed everything.

- Thanks.
- See you guys.

Dean, I wanna teII you,
you did an extraordinary job.

Oh, thank you, sir.

- How oId are you?
- I'm 22.

WeII, you're obviousIy
a very inteIIigent young man.

Let me give you my card.

Ever get tired of this pIace,
you're Iooking for a new opportunity,

- you give me a caII.
- AII right.

Thank you, sir.
I honestIy appreciate that.

Great. AII right.
Have a good night, guys.

Thanks again. Thank you.

WeII, I hope he caIIs.

Mama said they's my magic shoes.

Mama said they'd
take me anywhere.

Of course, Mama used to beat me
with a rubber hose, caII me a retard.

Dude, pIease stop.
Stop. Okay?

I appreciate what
you're trying to do. I do.

But, dude, I'm reaIIy not in the mood
for smiIing, aII right?

Okay.

- What?
- The oId Iady at tabIe 37 wants you to sing

the birthday song
for her grandson.

His name is Timmy,
and he's eight years old.

I need birthday singers!

- Come on, peopIe! We need birthday singers!
- Fuck.

There he is.
There's the big winner.

- Yeah!
- Hey.

AII right. Attention, guests!

Today's a very speciaI occasion.
It's Timmy's eighth birthday!

Big round of appIause.
He's earned it.

He's got his whoIe Iife ahead of him.
The sky's the Iimit.

I don't know but I've been told

Someone here is getting old

Good news is dessert is free

Bad news is we sing off-key

Happy birthday

To you

- Look at the camera!
- Picture time.

- AII right. AII right.
- Cry it off.

WeII, we can't go
in the parking Iot.

Can't go anywhere
in the kitchen.

WeII, maybe we couId-

We are not having sex
in the bathroom.

- But-
- No. No way. Forget it.

Oh. Come on, baby.

Come on.

Okay.

- Okay, but this is the Iast time.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So where do you girIs
go to coIIege?

ActuaIIy, we're stiII
in high schooI.

You're kidding.
How oId are you girIs?

Sixteen.

Wow.

You Iook a Iot oIder than that.
I wouId've guessed 19, 20, maybe 21.

Yeah, we get that a Iot.

Here. Let me give you
a hand with that.

It's the stupid chiIdproof Iighters.

Hey, Bishop. Can I taIk
to you about something?

Yeah, sure. Have a seat.

Thanks.

AII right, so I went
to my mother's this morning.

You've been working here, what?
About a year and four months, right?

Yeah, I guess. About.

- But anyway, we have a good reIationship-
- About three years ago,

this restaurant went through
quite a Iow point.

Okay, I'm sorry. Did you wanna hear
what I was gonna say or-

PIease. See, the store moraIe
was beginning to sIip.

CIienteIe base began
dropping off.

That of course, Ied to Iower tips,
which in time,

Ied to an even Iower
store moraIe.

BasicaIIy, the entire restaurant was going
through quite a downward spiraI.

Okay.

Then Raddimus began
working here.

And with him came the penis-showin' game
you aII Iike to pIay.

Okay, I- Why are you
teIIing me this?

Restaurant began to improve.

EmpIoyees started having more fun at work.
They started joking around a Iot more,

which Ied to a raise in the cIienteIe base,
higher tips

and so on and so forth.

Yeah, I stiII don't understand, Bishop.

Point is,

the penis-showin' game
became a cataIyst

for the change necessary
to be made in the restaurant.

So, when things in your Iife
become stagnant.

You know, you're no Ionger happy
with what you're doing.

Then you figure out
what's important to you.

Then create your own
penis-showin' game.

MetaphoricaIIy speaking,
that is.

Okay. Okay, thanks, Bishop.

So do you think taking the assistant manager
job wouId be Iike my penis-showing game?

Is that what you're saying?

Okay.

Where the heII is it?
It's been over haIf an hour!

ToId you it'd be up in a minute!
Get out of my face or I'II Iose your ticket!

What? What do you want?
Get back to the training room, you ass cock!

Goddamn it! I hate these fuckin' cooks.
I hate them!

Twenty minutes for two medium-rare steaks?
This is buIIshit.

What the heII? They need to get rid of every
singIe one of these Iousy cocksucking mother-

So how is everything?

Give me a caII
when you get this.

Can you bring this to tabIe 75?
I gotta try to take a piss.

- Okay, good Iuck.
- Thanks.

Okay, so how wouId you Iike
your steak prepared?

Oh, Iet's see.
Medium, medium-rare.

WeII, I want a hot, pink center.

Don't we aII?

AII right. Do you know
what you guys want?

- I'd Iike a tossed saIad, pIease.
- Oh, you're bad.

Yo, girI, give me
the instant camera.

Yo, there's a birthday party in the kitchen.
We're gonna take a picture.

Bus tabIe 73 first,
and then I'II give you the camera.

Yeah, whatever.

Ma'am, I don't doubt
the steak was overcooked,

but did you have to eat it aII
before you compIained about it?

It's too bad chIamydia has to be a venereaI
disease. It's such a pIeasant-sounding word.

- ChIamydia?
- ChIamydia.

ChIamydia. I think I might
name my daughter ChIamydia.

Okay, he wanted the jumbo shrimp
with baked potato, and she wanted the-

Fuck. What did she order?

- I can't.
- Hothead.

Hi. Here's your change.
I hope you guys have a reaIIy nice evening.

- Fuck.
- Hurry up. Come on.

What's taking so Iong?

Shh. I'm trying to concentrate.

Somebody here?

Hurry up.

This is crazy.

Shh, shh, shh.

No, no. Stop. Stop.

- Here we go.
- Oh, God!

- My fuckin' man! Yeah, man!
- You Iike that?

Yo, give me the fucking picture back.

So, what are you doing tonight?

Oh, I'm sure I'II end up
at the party.

Oh, yeah?

Do you-

Do you think I-

- You wanna come to the party?
- WeII, yeah.

Those guys, they aIways seem to forget
to teII me where it's at.

Okay. As soon as
I find out where it is,

I'II make sure
to give you directions.

WeII, then. Tonight shouId be a good night
for both of us, huh?

OnIy 30 more minutes
to go, man.

We better not have no Iate-night asshoIe
comin' in here.

So how'd y'aII do tonight?

- I made about 70.
- 86.

I made 67 on a doubIe.

Oh, God.
How pissed are you?

- How much did you make?
- A biII.

I never make- How do you make
a hundred doIIars every night?

- You wanna know?
- Yeah.

You reaIIy wanna know how I make
a hundred doIIars every night?

- Yes.
- It's aII about that right there.

Yes!

Yes!

Monty with the assist!

I can't beIieve how many homos
we got working in here.

It's crazy.
Mitch, cherry-popping time.

Okay, Monty, my bitch.
Kick me a fieId goaI.

You know what?
I don't understand.

You pIot and you scheme on how to
get the other person to Iook at your goat

or chicken wing or whatever.

And then when he Iooks,
you caII him a fag.

It's Iike it's an exercise
in retarded homophobic futiIity.

You know you girIs Iove it.

So, seriousIy, Iadies,
why don't you wanna pIay the game?

I reaIIy think that we'd be wiIIing
to amend the ruIes for you.

- Oh, yeah. I bet you wouId.
- No girI wouId ever pIay that game.

Why not?

- You wanna know why?
- Yeah.

- You reaIIy wanna know why?
- I reaIIy do.

Okay. I'II teII you why.

- It's because of this!
- Oh!

Oh, yeah. Bang.
Pow! Pow! Pow!

It's so angry!

Oh, God.
Does that thing have its shots?

- Put it away. Put it away.
- Dinner is served!

Oh, my God.

WeII, it's officiaI.
Now my penis is just for show.

Mitch, you picked a fucked-up night
to start working here.

- Oh, my God.
- Bend over, boys.

Oh, it's Iadies' time.

- Spread 'em. Let's go.
- AII right. That's enough.

You Ioved it.

- Mitch, you're coming to the party tonight?
- WeII, yeah-

Great. Let's get
this party started then.

I gotta stop home first.
I'II meet you there.

Why do you have to go home?

Oh. Right. Sorry, CaIvin.

Okay, baby doII,
you're definiteIy coming, right?

If you do everything right,
I wiII.

Oh, God, Natasha, you're gonna have
to stop that. You're making it hard.

I mean, difficuIt.

Hey, Cochise, we're out.
I'II see you, okay?

Yeah. I'II see you there.

Okay, I am so ready
to get stupid.

OnIy three more minutes
tiII the baII drop, baby. Come on.

Come on.

- Oh, hi there.
- You're not cIosed yet, are you?

- Not quite.
- Oh, terrific.

- Great.
- Here you go.

And Dean wiII be
your waiter this evening.

Awesome.

Hey, there, foIks. My name is Dean.
I'II be your waiter this evening.

HeIIo, Dean.

Hey, Chet.

I'm sorry, guys.

Why? Why? Why? Why?

Okay, so I'II go ahead
and put your order in,

and maybe when I come back
we'II catch up a bit.

- Yeah, sounds good.
- CooI.

Oops. How cIumsy of me.

Oh, man, Iook what I did.
I'm aII thumbs today.

AII right, guys. Here you go, Chet.
You got a steak.

So, did you hear?
I got my bacheIor's degree.

Yeah, yeah.
My mother toId me.

- That's reaIIy cooI. CongratuIations.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, I heard you were working here.
- Yeah.

Anyway. Yeah. I just started my new career.
They're starting me off at 48,000 a year.

Wow. Wow.

Yeah, I've been Iooking at houses.
It's reaIIy exciting.

I'II bet.

- So what have you been doing?
- Oh, you know.

WeII, I've been working here,
obviousIy.

And I'm stiII finishing up at C.C.,
taking a few more cIasses.

I was actuaIIy thinking about
taking an assistant manager-

CouId I get some more tea?

Sure. Yeah.

Coming right up.

Hey, Dan, man, we outta here.

Okay, Dan,
I'm just Ieaving now.

But here are the directions
to the party.

What time are you coming over?

I shouId be out of here soon.

I'm gonna go home and change

and be right over.

Okay.

I just wanna warn you,
I might be reaIIy drunk tonight.

I hope you won't
think Iess of me.

No. No, I'm not.

I won't.

Okay. WeII, I'II see you there.

Fuck.

- Dean, reaIIy, it's-
- No.

It's what?

Here you go, Chet.
It was nice seeing you again.

Yeah, you too, Dean.
Listen.

You take care of yourseIf.

You too. Okay.

How much did he Ieave you?

He must have made
a mistake.

Chet, Chet.
I think you made a mistake.

- You gave me a hundred doIIar biII.
- No, it's aII there.

- We're straight.
- The check's onIy $31. That's Iike a $70 tip.

Look, I just thought maybe
you needed it more than I do.

Hey! Dean.

Have you thought about it?

You want that
assistant manager job?

- 'Weiser?
- No, thanks.

Look-

HeIIo? Hey, Christy.

What's up?

No, I'm not.
No, I was just-

Oh.

Yeah, I'II see you tomorrow, then.

Okay. Bye. Bye.

Bye.

- What's up with Christy?
- Oh, she's-

She's on a date.

That's why she wanted me
to cover her shift.

She's- She's stiII with him.

God, that's it.

I'm gonna-
I'm gonna change.

WeII, good.

You shouId start tonight.

- Go get one of those high schooI girIs.
- You think?

Mitch, I want you to know
that you did a reaIIy great job today.

And you didn't even cry once, which
is more than I can say for my Iast trainee.

So, honestIy, you think you can
handIe working here?

- Yeah-
- Hey, fuck off for a second. I'II be right back.

Hey, whoa. Amy caIIed,
she toId me what happened.

You know what?
Fuck Chet MiIIer.

Hey, man, reIax.

AII right?
ReIax. I'm okay.

You serious?

- I'd be ready to kiII someone.
- No, you know what?

I'm gIad he came in.
I reaIIy am.

Yeah, he was a prick, and at first
I was so fucking pissed off,

but it was weird.

In one second, it aII just kind
of snapped into perspective.

PIease, eIaborate.
Did you taIk to Dan?

Do you want
the assistant manager job?

No.

I quit.

What?

You know, I thought about it.
I thought a Iot about it

and I know I don't wanna
wait tabIes anymore.

This is aII temporary.

This is supposed to be
the in-between time.

If I become an assistant manager,

it's just one more step
towards permanence.

Fuck that, man.
No way.

So you've reaIIy...

What did Dan say
when you toId him you quit?

You're fIushing a goIden opportunity
down the toiIet.

And just so you know,
Hot Dog,

if you do come back,
this job won't be here for you.

- I hope you're right.
- I am right!

- You're fired!
- I mean, I aIready quit, so-

No, you're fired!

I write the book, okay?

Here's how it went down.
You waIked in-

You're fired!

AII right. Then, thanks for being
so mature about this and professionaI.

I was very professionaI.
You're fired.

AII right.

Get out!
Get out of my sight!

- That's harsh.
- Yeah.

He'II be cryin' himseIf to sIeep tonight
on his cock-shaped piIIow.

What are you gonna do now?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm definiteIy gonna do somethin'.

Fuck it.

Let's go out there,
Iet's ceIebrate,

Iet's just get totaIIy fucking annihiIated,
hammered-ass drunk

and then run the train
on Amy.

Fuck.

You reaIIy are
an asshoIe, man.

So I'm toId.

You're a good friend too.

Let's just keep that on the DL.
I'm aII about Iow expectations.

What, are you
fIirting with me?

Oh, by the way, CaI.

I've been thinking about
your pubIic bathroom phobia.

- Yeah?
- I beIieve I have a soIution.

ReaIIy? What is it?

- TeII me what to do.
- Okay, but first,

cIose your eyes.

CIose my- Okay.

Now...

envision yourseIf
at a bathroom urinaI.

With everybody you know
crowded around you.

They're cheering you on.

They're chanting your name.

Not only do they
want you to urinate,

they wanna see it.

- Proud of you, buddy!
- HeII, yeah!

- Fuckin' piss, man!
- We beIieve in you!

You can do it!

You pissing son of a bitch!

Now, see yourself
urinating, Calvin.

You can do itl
Do itl

Do it.

It's historicl

So, go ahead and visuaI that
for the next few weeks.

Start off at home first,
by yourseIf.

Then you can move to a staII,

and then eventuaIIy
to an actuaI urinaI.

Thanks, Bishop. I mean it.

That totaIIy makes sense.

Look, weII, you guys,
I'm feeIin' good.

You know what? I'm gonna go taIk
to one of those high schooI girIs.

- WeII, good Iuck with that.
- Thank you.

So, what grade are you in?

Oh, Iook at that.
A bedroom.

No.

What? What do you mean?

You start pIaying this weird, ambivaIence
buIIshit, and it makes me feeI psycho.

And I never get psycho!

I know.

So I need you
to do me a favor.

I need you to not be
such a pussy.

Wow, there's the sass
that I was missin'.

- You're a fIake.
- I know I'm a fIake!

- Fuck you!
- You can't even get a boner.

Whoa, sorry to interrupt.

Wait. Hey, Bishop.

I created my own
penis-showing game.

So you quit your job.

How'd you know I quit?

Wow.

Are you okay?

Is somethin' wrong?

Just checking.

Wait. Wait, wait.

What?

You turn 18
next Wednesday, right?

Yeah.

Okay, then-

Why don't we make this

a ''to be continued...

untiI next Wednesday''?

Why? Do you think
I'm gonna turn you in?

- You think you're going to get arrested?
- No, no, no.

I just- I feeI Iike
I don't wanna be-

taking ad-

- Let's just wait the week.
- Okay.

Okay.

But if anybody asks,
anybody at aII,

I fucked you.

Twice!

So, Mitch, how was
your first day?

WeII?

WeII, it was-

I remember my first day.

What a doozy, huh?
Bishop, you're gonna Iove this.

I was so nervous I dropped
this bowI of soup on a nun.

Hey, turn down
the music for a minute.

- Hey, wouId you turn down the music?
- Dude, chiII.

WouId you turn down the fucking music
for a minute! Jesus!

This is fucking buIIshit!

I have been here aII goddamned day
and you haven't Iet me say one thing!

None of you!

- WeII, damn, Mitch, I-
- Oh, no, asshoIe!

You shut the fuck up now.
It's my turn to taIk!

You're aII fucked in the head!
AII of you! I mean you-

Change your fuckin' tampon and have
another drink you crazy, fuckin' bitch!

And you! ''I don't know
what to be when I grow up!''

Join the fuckin' army
or something!

Goddamn!

Oh, and you!

You know what?
You're too easy.

And you.

Fuck you, Monty!

AIways gotta be right,
with your IittIe quips!

We get it, man.
You're fuckin' edgy and cooI. Yeah!

You're the cooIest fuckin' guy
at Shenaniganz!

That's Iike being the smartest kid
with Down syndrome!

Oh, and, oh, yeah.

Why aren't you in jaiI?
I mean,

what are you, Iike 13, 14?

She's aImost 18.

You know what?
Fuck this!

You aII suck. I quit.

Oh, yeah.

There is one more thing.

You.

You are the biggest piece of shit

in this entire restaurant.

And I hope you burn in heII.

Me? What the fuck
did I do to you, man?

SeriousIy?

Oh, shit!

The goat!
The goat, you bastard!

Fuckin' faggots.

That was the shit!

Mitch! Mitch!
Stop, pIease.

Look, Iook.
Stop, stop.

Okay, I am sorry,

and I hereby swear
my undying aIIegiance to you.

You are the fucking man.

Now, come back to the party.

PIease?

I swear to God, I'II never
underestimate you again.

- AII right.
- Okay.

AII right.

Dean, you've been repIaced.

Fuck!

AII right, everybody,
Iisten up.

From here on out,
Mitch is a made man.

Anyone who has anything different to say,
Nick and T-Dog wiII fucking fuck you!

Let's taIk about that T-Dog
one more time!

Shut up!

What's that?

Don't do that!

Yo, man, yo! Yo!
Beer run, man.

Why the heII
wouId you do that?

- He's a fucking manager.
- WeII, he asked, so, I-

You Iost major cooI points
for this.

What the heII
are you doing here?

Yo! What you doin'?

- What's up? How you doin'?
- Those Iook heavy.

No, I think you can make it.

- AsshoIe.
- Shenaniganz.

You bring my goddamn
gift certificates?

Is...Natasha...here?

Okay. Yeah. They got me.

AII right. Okay.

You- One week!

When you're struggling
Livin' off Ramen noodles

I'm in my Lexus
Finger-bangin'poodles

You call me a busboy
I'll bust you three times

Slice you three times
Slice you three limes

And make you squeeze 'em
on your own cuts

And, bitch, you best give thanks
before you eat my nuts

Yeah, who's that motherfucker
throwing pot in the ground

These bitches used to clown me
Now they surround me

My mom tries to ground me
I'm gonna slap her

I'll fuckin' cap her
Don't she know I'm a rapper

I don't care about love
Fuck amore

Fuck the dumb whore-ay
All day

And then suck my dick
all in its glory

Swallow my nut
This shit is gourmet

I'm hor-nay but you
fuckin' sluts bore me

So fuck you, bitch
I'll fuck your mama

Then I'll kill your papa
to top the drama

Then I'll rape a llama
to top that drama

I'll eat that pussy
like Jeffrey Dahmer

I got a gat in my hand
A pound in my tighty-whities

A hit on my shit
will make your eyes Chinese

My wallets are thick
and here's the thing, you dumb bitch

Even my come's rich
You fuckin' retard

I'll pull your fuckin' card
You ready, willin' and able

You call me fuckin' fake
just because I bus tables

Fuck you
I'll fuck your navel

Real thugs pop guns
You steal cable

I got more bush than High Times
More rhymes than LeAnn

Pull out my glock
Now you pee in your pants

It's your last chance, I'll cut your retinas
It's your last glance

Yo, bitch,
you're fucking worthless

And if you backstab me
I'll show you what a hearse is

You can't be fixed
by a hundred surgeons

I'll pull out my heater
and boom, bye-bye

Even when you're dead
I'm bustin' nuts in your eye

Sin, sin, sin
I'll stick a dildo in

While I'm hidin' in
the Shenaniganz' garbage bin

And with the other hand
I'll doodle on some napkins

Fuck you with a loaf of bread
and make you cheat on Atkin's

- Ah, yeah.
- Oh, motherfucker.

I work at Shenaniganz

Blow me 'cause I'm an OG

So get the fuck out my dome
before I split yours

I used to have spit wars
and now I split whores in two

I am the walrus
Koo-koo-ka-choo

- So back up, sonny
- We got mad honeys

- We make much money
- And don't you dare laugh

'Cause this shit ain't funny

Squeeze the trigger
Now your head's all bloody

- We got new rides
- Now we'll flip the switches

- No more dirty dishes
- I'll steal people's wishes

And clock mad digits

Pump on a blot
and have sex with hot midgets

I love when your cunt
is balder than Bruce Willis

Nick and T-dog, motherfucker
We the illest

Peace out,
bitch-ass motherfuckers.

Get the fuck out
of my fuckin' face.

- Get the fuck out of my fuckin' face.
- Bitch-ass motherfuckers.

Oh, yeah!