Original subtitles

ah!

buddy.

Ah! Ugh!

Ah ah ah.

Ugh. Ugh.

This is because I stuck my finger in you, isn't it?

Oh, come on, baby, don't be like that.

Well, when are we gonna get together? When are we gonna meet up?

No, no, tomorrow.

It's just my ear. It hurts a little bit.

I got you, you little son--

oh!

Phew.

Fuck you!

And now,

Introducing that army charmer, that navy-baby,

The marine-queen, the lady who's middle name is 'ka-boom'!

whoo-hoo.

Yoo-hoo.

Huh?

Frau scheisse?

Rowr.

Bertie.

Bertie.

Keep calm, my son...

And carry on.

- Never surrender!

Fight!

ow!

hmm?

Huh?

Ooh!

Oh!

Mmm!

Ooh la la!

- Ooh! - Oh!

♪ why can't we be like this ♪

♪ every day?

- ♪ I'll make you

- ♪ so proud of me...

♪ we could be...

♪ so perfect

♪ you will see

♪ you will- will...

- ♪ you will...

Oh.

Ahh...

Ah!

god damn it.

None of this is working.

This is a fucking disaster.

Ok, that was good.

Ah, could you give me one more of those?

Just like less high pitched and more just like terrified

And kind of make it a little longer too, if you could.

Okay.

It's not my fault we got the letter 'q.'

- That's you being disrespected. - I know.

Did you see the press release? I was last!

Yeah, I saw that. You were even after nacho vigalondo.

Besides... 5 grand? How do they expect us

To make any kind of movie for five thousand dollars?

alright. So what are we going to do

To make our segment stand out?

What if our "a.B.C.S of death" short

Is the only segment in the entire film

To feature an actual on-screen death,

Like, like somebody actually dies?

Actually, that's a great idea.

Like we kill an animal or something?

Yeah, it wouldn't have to be a person.

We could kill an animal. Nobody gives a shit about animals.

But what animal could we kill?

- It's gotta start with a 'q'... - A 'q'.

...Or something to do with a 'q.'

A fucking 'q'.

Actually, he's kind of cute.

- Yeah, he is. - Hey, mr. Quackers, come here.

yes, yes...

ahhh, fuck!

Let's kill this fucking duck.

Juan, you might wanna back up just a little bit.

Alright.

Ok, so how do we wanna do this?

Well, we gotta make sure we pretty much kill it right away.

- We don't want it to suffer too much. - Right, right, right,

Yeah, yeah. This isn't a snuff film, this is art.

Ducks die all the time for food.

Ok... Yeah, yeah. This is what you eat, america!

You american pigs!

They're the real killers, not us.

That's right, yeah. Hey, juan,

We're gonna just tail-slate this. Is that cool?

Alright... So on the count of three?

- Yeah, that sounds good. - Alright.

One...

Two...

Thrrr... Hold on a second.

Can you just shoot the duck? I mean I--

I know it's my, umm, you know, thing...

But uhhh if you would shoot the duck, I'd appreciate it.

Yeah, yeah, I got it.

Ok... One...

Two...

This fucking thing, goddamnit.

- You got the safety on? - You know, I don't even know what side it's on.

Yeah, it's that thing sticking out the side right there.

Oh, oh shit!

Ugh.

Let go of me, you crazy assed bitch!

What you're trying to do, can't be done.

Hell's coming down on you. I'm just along for the ride, baby.

- Want me to shoot you? - You can't kill me.

Lucky!

Yeah, woo-fucking-hoo, it's my lucky day, you fucking psycho!

Enjoy the ride, bitch!

Fuck you! Motherfucker!

you'll never outrun him, you crazy junkie bitch!

- Shut up, bitch! - Fuck you!

- You fucking whore!

Close your eyes...

fuck.

for the first time in a long time

- I'm impressed. - Good. Now leave me alone.

Take her. She's given up and you know it.

You cunt!

Huh, na... It's not her time!

Please...

Leave me alone.

There's still so much I wanna do.

You gave me a run for my money.

Nobody's ever made me chase them that hard before,

But you can't run forever.

Fuck!

- It's showtime! - I can't understand

Why he's so afraid of the toilet.

well, for young boys the most common cause

Of genital injury is when the toilet seat falls down.

He's not gonna have that problem if he's going for a poo.

Loads of people have died on the toilet.

- Like who? - Elvis.

- He died on the bathroom floor. - Yeah! Died on the toilet and then fell over.

If I were him, I'd be more scared of those screws I put in. They're the wrong size.

Honey, you go do a poo poo.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

Danny glover had nothing to be afraid of in "lethal weapon 2."

- Shhh! - We might even have

A lethal weapon of his own in a moment.

Uh...

Whoa!

- Bleeding hell fire. That's odd. - Shh shh.

That's really odd.

Look at the state--

Whoa!

What on earth?

Call the plumber now. It's an emergency.

What?

Help!

Oh! You fucking bastard!

Huh?

Hey! Hey! Wake up.

He's finally using the toilet... About fucking time.

Stand back!

he's spitting. He's spitting! Hold him!

Get in!

- E nomine patris...

I've got hold of it...

don't! Nooooo!

Ah!

Be careful, man!

- He's in here, I heard something!

I can hear it breathing!

Come on, let's go!

wake up! Wake up!

I'll make you one promise--

Your children will never know how this ended.

See?

Father...

Finish it!

Geoff...

The world is dying. It's one of the reasons

We implemented the infant sterilization act.

Still, every citizen has the right

To earn back their fertility permits.

The fastest route has always been

Through service to propagation control.

Oh yes, sir, it's why I joined--

That and making the world a safer place, of course.

Of course. Why do you want children?

Propagation control...

You are charged with acts of terror through illegal propagation.

You are hereby ordered to surrender all contraband.

Please, you don't know what they'll do to him.

- It's not up to me. - I'm sorry,

There's been a misunderstanding.

You've already verified our permits.

A misunderstanding...

The illegals have escaped.

We're free to go.

...Free to go...

No!

Bad, nezbit, bad!

Calm down, officer.

Your nezbit unit simply auto-responded

To para-psychic activity.

Commander stoker...

Congratulations,

You've dispatched a rather dangerous group of mentals.

- Mentals? - Telekinesis, telepathy,

Mind control-- all very real...

- All valuable genetic materials.

"materials"? We just killed a child.

oh, it wasn't alive to begin with. Not by law.

Hmm. The rebels were delivering the child

To the vatic, "prophet" of all mentals.

With such power, his very existence threatens humanity,

But, once we've reanimated

And bio-vac'd every last bit of brain matter,

We may finally ascertain his location.

A fine achievement, officer.

You see, the agency has a far greater purpose than its...

"public position."

You've given ten years of service to your unit, officer.

Your records are excellent.

I'm pleased to say that your permits have been approved.

Sir...

- Yes, sir. Uh... - I'm not finished...

While your permits are approved,

There are biological factors beyond the agency's control.

Reanimate the infant.

I can't let you do this.

- Nezbit, officer lainey has clearly been compromised.

Arrest her.

I won't let you re-murder a child.

Oh, grow up!

Better a cruel truth than a comfortable delusion.

Sir...

Sir, the baby is...

Where'd he go?

Sir? Did you hear that?

It's a mental, idiot! Shoot for the head!

Oh, shit...

Oh, such vitality... Mmm!

I'll keep the corpse alive for weeks...

Wasn't taking him to the prophet.

Farm every burning neuron...

He is the prophet.

Feast on his pain.

- Take him... - Unite the mentals...

- Oh! - You're his mother now.

scream, witch.

- No-one will hear you as I harvest your intestines.

What?

Unhand her, witch!

- Willowford! - Wendy!

- Save me! - Now, warlock!

- What the fuck? - What's up, tommy?

- Where the fuck have you been? - Look, the thing's almost done.

- What is that!? - Well, um, it's for animated--

It's the last frame of the animation I've been working on, remember?

- Animation? - Yeah.

We weren't even supposed to have animation.

Well, I thought we talked about a bunch of different ideas, remember?

Look at this list of, err, 'w's I got here.

Oh my god, what the fuck is wrong with you?

We're gonna get this done. Hold on, it's a--

- Why do you do this? - Here's the thing, walrus,

It's like a godzilla-walrus.

It's a city-- people are being destroyed, you pan over, it's a walrus.

'w.'

- Ok, do you have a city? - No.

- Do you have a guy in a walrus outfit? - No.

- Can you do that by this weekend? - No.

well, what the fuck are you talking about then?

- Warrior. - Super hot chick.

She's just killed a bunch of, like... Trolls?

Alright, whatever, she's covered in blood.

Ok. Let's do that. Lets do that this weekend.

I'm not sure that I want to do that one. I'm just saying it's an idea...

W' is for wheelchair. It's an old man.

An evil old man. He's in the wheelchair-- everybody hates old people.

- He gets pushed off a fucking cliff.

I got it-- ummm... I got-- I got nothing.

You guys! You gotta come to the conference room. Come on, you gotta see this!

Nancy, I'm coming to you from downtown hollywood,

And I've got to tell you, some of the strangest things I have ever seen...

- Oh fuck, what's going on? - ...Are going on right now.

If you can see, over my head,

The most oddest looking colored gases.

Uh, they're like chemtrails, I guess,

And they seem to be followed by other planes and copters, and a general sense...

- 'w'! - ...Of panic seems to have hit the area.

Believe it or not, nancy, we're actually getting reports

Of people seeing clown zombies in the streets.

Fuckin' clown zombies? That's fucking stupid!

What are they looking for? Magnets? 'w'? I just...

Is that a 'w' on there? What's up with these 'w's?

Is this some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy,

As we watch the horror

Of our own minds

Pushing humanity toward extinction?

Can we live in a world

That is more immoral than our own brains,

- Our own ideas... - No! Don't open the door!

We live in a process that is already infested,

Already mutated, already over!

Already blank...

...From a wave of congealed confidence!

my elbows are untouchable!!

My elbows are sharp!!

I am transparent.

I am solid in the form of this new liberty reborn!

You are invisible in this new world!

I hover above you... Above as below.

I am legion.

A traced mindfuck of a billion bombs

Dropping on your fired synapses,

Your tired synapses!

You are inserted, digested, gestated!

Lie in the waste of your own vision,

Gutter punks to bigger words that you ate years ago!

That you tasted and shat upon years ago!

That you chewed and corrupted after the seeds were buried long ago!

I am the one with seven heads!

I am the thing that laughs!

I am the thing that waits... For you!

What the fuck?

ah! Ah!

♪ watch a horror movie right there on my tv ♪

♪ horror movie right there on my tv ♪

♪ horror movie right there on my tv ♪

♪ shocking me right out of my brains ♪

♪ shocking me right out of my brains ♪

♪ watch a horror movie right there on my tv ♪

♪ horror movie right there on my tv ♪

♪ horror movie right there on my tv ♪

♪ shocking me right out of my brains ♪

♪ shocking me right out of my brains ♪

♪ it's bound to get ya in

♪ get ya under your skin

♪ hit you right on the chin, oh yeah ♪

♪ it's bound to be a thriller ♪

♪ it's bound to be a chiller ♪

♪ it's bound to be a killer, oh yeah ♪

♪ watch a horror movie right there on my tv ♪

♪ horror movie right there on my tv ♪

♪ horror movie right there on my tv ♪

♪ shocking me right out of my brains ♪

♪ shocking me right out of my brains ♪

♪ the planes are a-crashin', the cars are a-smashin' ♪

♪ they come for a-bashin', oh yeah ♪

♪ the kids are a-fightin'

♪ the fires are a-lightin' ♪

♪ the dogs are a-bitin', oh yeah ♪

♪ watch a horror movie right there on my tv ♪

♪ horror movie right there on my tv ♪

♪ horror movie right there on my tv ♪

♪ shocking me right out of my brains ♪

♪ shocking me right out of my brains ♪

♪ you think it's just a movie on a silver screen ♪

♪ and they're all actors and fake all scenes ♪

♪ maybe you don't care who's gonna lose or win ♪

♪ listen to this and I'll tell you somethin' ♪

♪ it's a horror movie right there on my tv ♪

♪ horror movie right there on my tv ♪

♪ horror movie and there's known abuse ♪

♪ horror movie, it's the 6:30 news ♪

♪ horror movie, it's the 6:30 news ♪

♪ the public's waitin' for the killin' and the hatin' ♪

♪ switch on your station, oh yeah ♪

♪ they do a lot a-sellin' 'tween the firin' and the yellin' ♪

♪ you believe in what they're tellin', oh yeah ♪

♪ it's a horror movie right there on my tv ♪

♪ horror movie right there on my tv ♪

♪ horror movie and there's known abuse ♪

♪ horror movie, it's the 6:30 news ♪

♪ horror movie, it's the 6:30 news ♪

♪ and it's shocking me right out of my brains. ♪

what's wrong, kawabe?

For the first time in a long time

- I'm impressed. Good. Now leave me alone.

Take her. She's given up and you know it.

You cunt!

I can't let you do this.

Nezbit, officer lainey has clearly been compromised.

- Arrest her. I won't let you re-murder a child.

Oh, grow up!

Better a cruel truth than a comfortable delusion.

Sir...

Sir, the baby is...

Where'd he go?

Sir? Did you hear that?

Such vitality... Mmm!

I'll keep the corpse alive for weeks...

Scream, witch.

- No-one will hear you as I harvest your intestines.

- What? - Unhand her, witch!

- Willowford! - Wendy!

- Save me! - Now, warlock!

Me, with my cereal

I can manage my summer slimness.

Slimness, flat tummy...

- Get ready for the summer!

With low dye...

Say no to fat!

- Rich in vitamins...

My body loves it, as you can see!

It's a gift from our beloved,

- Nice country america.