Original subtitles

I don't know what's going on. I didn't do any of this.

You can see this all unfolding behind us here.

The killer had, up until this point,

managed to elude identification...

- Excuse me. - Despite leaving behind...

Excuse me, please. Thank you.

Excuse me.

This is outrageous.

My client has no comment.

Step aside, please.

We need to get him in for processing.

Hold on. You got the wrong guy.

Whoa.

Chief.

That's right. I'm back.

Drink it in.

Who's this guy?

He's the chief of police.

Aren't you supposed to be rehabbing right now?

As long as I've got a police scanner,

consider me multitasking and on the job.

I will, sir. From here on out.

Now listen up, because this one's got a twist.

Your suspect has chest hair. Chest hair?

I mean, it's child's play compared to mine,

but our killer waxes.

Okay, but we have matching tire prints.

Right tires, wrong wear.

But he's got the same neck tattoo

as the ATM security footage.

Wrong side of the spine.

Chief, all due respect,

but this would require a frame job of epic propositions.

Which is why you need to arrest his lawyer.

What?

His own lawyer framed him. How?

It's simple.

You take an empanada, wrap it in a burrito.

Excuse me?

- Uh... - Gus, quiet!

I know it is not on the menu,

but an empanada-rito is not an unreasonable request

because they have made it for me in the past.

Nope. Nope. I won't do it, Shawn.

Their tortillas cannot support the filling and the weight

of a pastry shell.

I'm not gonna walk up to the takeout counter

looking like an amateur, especially when I only have

one more hole left on my punch card!

Gus, don't be Adrien Brody's last breath in "The Village."

I am trying to break down Lassiter's case here.

Will you kindly suck it?

- You suck it. - Suck it!

Did he just tell me to suck it?

- You suck it. - You suck it.

You flame-suck it.

Flame-suck it!

I think he told you to flame-suck it.

How dare you?

Wait a second.

Is this thing on when I press the button or when I let it go?

Oh, my gosh.

So how does this tortilla fit into the case?

Lass, can you hear me? Hello?

Um, it does by, um,

by virtue of the, um...

empanada.

Hey, that's a fun word to say. Empanada.

Uh-oh. He's improvising, Gus.

This could be trouble, and it's your fault.

It's not good.

Empanada. Emp-empanada.

It's not good. If you could've wait

five minutes, controlled your appetite,

five minutes, we could've order, like gentlemen.

- I have been waiting, Shawn. - We could've done this first,

and then everything would've been...

I have been waiting. I have been waiting.

Ah, screw it. You know what you did.

- What? - Book him, McNab.

On what?

Book him. Get him out of here.

Get that lousy sack of crap out of here.

Okay, well, he... he wrapped it up. He's walking away.

He must have pulled it off, no thanks to you.

- Suck it, Shawn. - Suck it, sucki-tavi.

- Suck it, sucki-tavi? - Suck it, sucki-tavi.

- Suck it. - Sick-tav.

- Suck it, suck it. - Tav.

- Suck it. - Suck-tav.

- ♫ Suck it, suck it ♫ - ♫ Rikki-tikki, tikki ♫

♫ Rikki-tikki, tikki ♫ ♫ Suck it, suck it ♫

♫ The mongoose killed the snake ♫

- Sss-ka! - ♫ The mongoose ♫

♫ Killed the snake ♫ - Sss-ka!

♫ The mongoose killed the snake ♫

Sss-ka!

- ♫ That mongoose killed the ♫ - Sss-ka!

Of course I want rice and beans.

- Get extra guac. - And extra guac, please.

I was so humiliated.

Oh, come on, Lass.

You're acting like we did it on purpose.

Look, we gave them more than enough

to think twice about the arrest,

and you cut a mean silhouette.

I mean, look at that pocket square

sticking out like a little hipster turtlehead.

Now, let's get you home, huh?

Gus and I have a long day ahead of us.

This thing really drives from either side?

You kidding? It's the Dualberry.

That means it's got two of everything.

Two steering wheels, two sets of brakes,

seven ashtrays, zero cupholders,

and exactly one working spark plug.

It's great if you feel like delivering mail

or pulling into a drive-through backwards.

Do you mind if I, um,

ride in the driver's seat?

Don't think we're having a moment.

Oh, no. No, no, no. You're having a moment.

I'm just watching, like Mr. Miyagi

at the very, very end of "Karate Kid 1."

Of course, if you're really feeling it,

we can hold hands.

I would rather wear those shoes that look like gloves.

All right.

Damn it, I miss this.

Look, Lassie,

you can drive Gus and I around any time you want.

Isn't that right, Gus? Shawn, you don't

interrupt a man when he's selecting napkin rings.

He's been a little lost in wedding planning lately.

Yeah, don't care.

How do you two want to handle tomorrow?

- Tomorrow? - Well, obviously,

there'll be a briefing on our case.

I need to know how I came up with all that stuff.

Nope.

Now, why is Gus just saying "nope"?

Tell him, Shawn.

Tell me what, Shawn?

Right.

Well, Lassie, I know this has been a big case for the SBPD,

and the last few weeks have seemed like old times,

but the truth is we can't keep coming down here

and helping you solve crimes from the bush.

But the good news is, you don't need us.

I mean, look at yourself, man.

Look at your beard.

You're ready to fly,

like an eagle or a shark, into the future.

My gut is telling me pewter.

But this brushed nickel has some real nice weight to it.

Nope. You're doing it.

Lassie, might I remind you that we live five hours away?

They're coming after my job.

What?

They're circling like wolves.

Who's circling? Buzz?

Buzz McNab?

He does have those little fangs.

Look, you don't need us, okay? You're Lassiter.

Hey, Dad. Hey, Shawn.

- Hey, Magic Head. - Hello.

- Dad, I've got some bad news. - What's that, honey?

You're gonna have to do my math homework for me.

I'm feeling kind of lazy

and Mom says it's too hard for her.

Aww.

Your mother's doing something clever, Lily, called lying.

Besides, Daddy's got a date with the police scanner.

You don't show tomorrow, you're dead to me.

Dad, we're not done talking about this.

- What do you want? - Whoa.

Pop, I haven't seen you in weeks.

Consider this a wellness check.

Can I come in? I'm busy, Shawn.

What do you need? Spit it out.

Okay, fine. I need you

to hide in the bushes and help Lassie solve cases.

I am too old to play Cyrano, Shawn,

and I told you this was a bad idea to get involved.

- He's not ready yet. - Really?

'Cause he tried to run over a squirrel on the way home.

He's plateauing.

He hasn't made significant progress in months.

Doctor says it could be a phase.

It also could be his new normal.

And he's terrified of never being a cop again.

You know that's how he defines himself.

You guys coming down here

to give him some hope, that's great.

But you can't give him false hope.

Do you understand?

Oh, no, I had no idea.

All right, look. I'll give him a call.

I'll talk him through bits of the case.

But that's it.

Anything else?

Yeah. Yeah.

As a matter of fact, I'm having a bit of a crisis of my own.

Oh, good luck with that.

Hey! What is this?

Ow, ow, ow!

I come by to talk to my father.

I'm reaching out.

This is the kind of stuff you live for.

Oh. Do you have a woman back there?

Smells like wood.

Do you have a wooden woman back there?

Wait, wait. Shawn, whatever you need,

you can say it from right here.

It's Gus.

It just feels like we're drifting apart.

I mean, lately I'll send him a text,

and he just responds with an emoji,

or by emphasizing my text.

And I'm like, "I know. I sent it."

All male friendships die at fatherhood, Shawn.

I tried to prepare you for this when you were younger.

I don't remember that.

That's because you have a very selective memory.

Well, sure, what's the point of having a memory

if you can't choose what to remember?

It's called America. All right, look.

Here's the thing: he is evolving.

And this next chapter in Gus' life

is gonna be like nothing he's ever experienced before,

and he couldn't be less prepared.

And I suspect he is gonna love every waking moment.

Well, guess what. I'm evolving too,

so how come we can't evolve together,

like NSYNC, when they opened that hot dog stand?

Go talk to your best friend. Tell him you love him.

Tell him you'll always be there for him.

And you'll figure it out,

even if it doesn't involve adjoining waterslides.

Shawn, we gotta bounce.

Guster?

Are you building a wooden woman?

Gus, I love you, man.

But we always said that if one of us starts acting crazy

about our wedding or looming childbirth,

the other one would speak up, right?

I love you, too, Shawn,

and you just made up that agreement.

I'm worried about us, man.

- Okay, what is this? - It's an explosive device.

- Why is it giftwrapped? - It's a gender-reveal box.

Didn't we use to make fun of things like this?

Yes, but not anymore. My baby's sex will be revealed

the way the good Lord always intended...

In a glorious nontoxic powder cloud

in front of 35 of my closest friends.

You don't have 35 close friends.

For the sake of my wedding, I do.

Now, please, unzip the wedding duffel.

If it starts to beep, take cover.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

Sorry, Shawn,

I just have so much on my plate right now.

But you were married before.

Shawn, I was drunk on dark rum, spiced rum, and wormwood.

I eloped. That nearly killed my parents.

And now I'm on the road

to having a child out of wedlock.

I can't do that to my sweet mother's soul.

She needs a church wedding and a baptism,

and that's what she's gonna get.

Fine. So pick a date already.

I can't! Selene hasn't gotten the divorce papers signed yet.

- Why not? - I don't know.

Let me help you. Give me this guy's name.

She won't tell me that either.

That doesn't strike you as weird?

Can we try the ice cream logs?

She says she wants to take care of herself.

She says she doesn't need some man to swoop in

to solve her problems for her.

- She said that? - She did.

- Aloud? - Yes!

Does she know it would be us swooping in,

and that that's not the same thing at all?

Shawn, I agreed to let her take care of it,

which is why I'm just trying to focus

on the things I can control.

- Like bouquets. - And an officiant.

I put a pin in Father Westley to perform the ceremony.

Father Westley specializes in exorcisms.

He does weddings, too, Shawn. He's also on Cameo.

But you are certain that she wants a divorce, right?

Stop asking questions that are freaking me out, Shawn.

I trust Selene.

I'll say it again. I trust her.

- Okay. - We're past eight months,

and that baby won't stop gestating.

I tried to respect her wishes and wait,

but the clock is expiring, and I got a wedding to plan.

I'm here for you, buddy.

Oh, crap. I gotta meet with the videographer.

I'll be honest,

I didn't think we'd have to take our pants off for this.

I didn't ask you to. You are like toddlers.

Well observed.

Here's a question:

can mine be parachute pants?

- You must leave. - Yep.

Hey! You're back early.

Just wanted to make sure I'm ready

for our couples dinner tonight.

Thought maybe we could spend some couples time

doing couples things.

That's so many "couples" for one sentence,

I'm immediately suspicious. What are you up to?

Nothing. Just being super sweet to my nighttime lover.

What do you say we crack a wheel of cheese

and maybe run a background check on...

Selene's husband? No.

You said you wanted to do things together.

Selene is our family now,

and you have to respect her wishes

and let her handle the situation.

The situ... So you know about that.

Of course I do.

She doesn't want to talk about it.

- It's strange, right? - It's not for us to judge.

You're wrong. We should be judging everything

- all the time. - Shawn. Shawn.

I finally have a real adult friend,

and you are not going to ruin my last shot

at being a godparent.

Godparent? That's something we want?

Of course we do!

What if the kid is awful or obsessed with crafts?

Shawn, Gus and Selene both have sisters in line

in front of me.

And their kids are the closest I'll ever get

to being a parent.

You know, now that we've decided that we're not...

You know...

Hey, if you're having second thoughts about...

Shawn, if neither of us can even say "having a baby,"

I think we know exactly where we are.

I can say it, and we can reopen those discussions

right here, right now.

Or much later, in the distant future.

Shawn, how old do you think we are?

Younger than James Spader when he did "Pretty in Pink."

And McCarthy. And Cryer.

Look, I know we agreed

that we don't have to define ourselves by kids,

and we have rewarding careers and a life we love.

It's just...

Just feeling really final all of a sudden.

Well, it doesn't have to. We can change our minds.

There are creams and balms and extracts

that will help us get pregnant.

Plus, they have electric wombs and such.

I gotta go, Shawn.

I'll see you tonight.

It's gonna be social thing.

Yo, Chief.

- No. - What?

I'm not running a background check on Selene's husband.

Jules already called you?

Yeah, the second you left her side.

Damn, that woman can compartmentalize.

Yeah. That's what's what we do.

Now, go away. I'm packing.

Are you joining a cult?

No, I'm going on vacation

for the first time in, like, ten years.

I've been working 60 hours a week since I got here,

so I deserve to go camping with my family,

far enough out in the woods

where cell phones can't track me down.

Karen... may I call you that?

I mean, in light of recent events?

I'm not changing my name.

I am trying to help my best friend get married

before he has a baby out of wedlock

and breaks his mother's heart.

So in a weird way, I am the hero of this story,

just like Phil Collins in "Buster."

They're waiting for you downstairs in the courtroom.

Oh, no. I am so late.

Could you call my husband

and just tell him that I'll be a little delayed,

but I still think we can hit the road by 6:00-ish?

- Okay. - Tricky Vickie.

- Stop it. - LL Cool K.

- Ooh, that's not happening. - Chief Nasty Taquanda.

Shawn, I'm telling ya no.

What if this guy is a deranged lunatic, huh?

And we're just inviting him into our inner circle?

Come on, Chief. I know you. I freaking know you.

And I can see that you're suspicious, too.

Mm...

I'm telling you no.

And I'm leaving my office unattended.

Do with that what you will.

Just don't get caught, or I will prosecute you.

♫ ♫

Huh.

What do you want, Shawn?

Hey, buddy. Just thinking about ya.

Making this reservation for dinner tonight.

How do you spell Selene's last name?

- Gilmore, as in "Girls." - That's what I thought.

I just thought it'd be fun to make it under her name,

you know, in case you two beat us there.

Will you repeat that? Just spell it for me.

- Gilmore. G-I-L-more. - Uh-huh.

Is there any chance she's an 86-year-old man

from Gwinnett, Georgia? You're being weird, Shawn.

I promise, I'm not being weird.

It's just, are you absolutely certain

that she's a human person?

I can't do this with you right now.

All right, fine. I'll talk to you tonight.

Whoa, before you go, how dead set are you

on dinner not being weird or uncomfortable?

Who are you, Selene Gilmore?

♫ ♫

♫ In between the lines, there's a lot of obscurity ♫

♫ I'm not inclined to resign to maturity ♫

♫ If it's all right, then you're all wrong ♫

♫ But why bounce around to the same damn song? ♫

♫ You'd rather run when you can't crawl ♫

♫ ♫

♫ I know you know that I'm not telling the truth ♫

♫ I know you know they just don't have any proof ♫

♫ Embrace the deception, learn how to bend ♫

♫ Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end ♫

♫ I know you know ♫

♫ ♫

And... he's not here.

Oh.

Hold on.

Woody, you should be here by now.

Oh, don't be a Karen, Karen.

Have you ever heard the term "fashionably late"?

- You're the defendant. - Class is class.

Even when the state is trying to prosecute you wrongfully.

Okay, get here now.

You have a little reprieve

because your public defender still hasn't arrived yet.

Well, of course they aren't there, because they are me.

Ta-da! I have decided to represent myself.

Wait. Wait, what?

- No. - Hear me out.

This way, I can pocket the money

they had earmarked for the public defender.

I figure I can drag out the trial for six months,

build up a nice little nest egg for myself,

and then plead out insanity.

Woody, I carved out 90 minutes for this hearing.

And you can't just decide that you're an attorney.

Chief, I wasn't born yesterday.

I passed the Bar.

Is the judge going to be wearing this?

I don't want to step on his toes.

I sent all the pertinent information to your assistant.

I think you'll find it all checks out.

They're ready for us.

Woody, leave your house now.

I will stall, okay?

And on the way, go over your statement.

Stick only to the facts.

You were not impersonating a doctor for fun.

You were working undercover, for Chief Carlton Lassiter,

who was in imminent danger from the people

who were working at the rehab facility.

And don't mention the surgery that you tried to perform.

Oh, please, it was a small outpatient surgery,

and I underbilled the insurance company.

Okay, Woody, I have another call.

Be here in ten minutes, or you don't have a character witness.

Oh, I need an hour. I just shaved my armpits.

I need to bronze...

Hey, honey.

Yeah. Yeah, you were right.

Looks like we're not getting out of here today.

Just take the stuff out of the ice chest,

and then we'll leave early tomorrow.

Yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

Uh, maybe you two go on ahead, and I'll meet you there.

You're talking about Kool & the Gang?

Yep. I can't hand-carve a Kool & the Gang mobile

for my baby's crib and not include

all the current and former members of the band! Come on.

All I'm saying is, a couple of those brothers

are gonna have to share a string.

- Nope. Nope. - So is it a nonstarter

to maybe make a few of them a little smaller than Kool?

- That's a good idea, Juliet. - Not happening.

Have you all ever played the game

"What's My Social Security Number"?

It's super fun. Selene, why don't you go first?

- Don't pay him any mind. - So help me, Shawn...

I'm simply initiating an amusing table game.

You're doing exactly what I asked you not to.

I have new information.

The chief is tangentially on board.

- You dragged Karen in? How? - I can't tell you that.

Also, she's gonna change her name.

She's not going to change her name.

It's been especially hard on her daughter, Reba.

- Her daughter's name is Iris. - It was a test.

- You passed. - Shawn.

- Oh. Ooh! - Let me see.

Tonight is going to be the godparent ask.

- Tighten it up. - Ouch!

You've created an "ouch!" situation.

I'm gonna go to the little boys' room.

And why don't you stay there until you grow up?

Ha, I'm never gonna grow up, Jules.

Doctor.

All right.

♫ ♫

Whoa.

What the hell are you doing?

Okay. I know this looks bad.

You stole my fiancée's purse.

You are perfectly right to be upset in this moment.

But there is upside.

One, I created my own forensic science,

and it just might have worked.

Two, Selene, as it turns out, does not exist.

- She what? - For you. For you!

I selflessly did a little check on the police database.

No. Nope.

Shawn, you're not going to do it this time.

You accuse every woman I date of being some sort of criminal.

You did it to Chelsea, Rachael, Emmanuelle,

Ruby, the lady with the statue.

Okay, but from that list alone,

I was right more than 50% of the time.

Wait. Who's Ruby?

Shawn, drop it, or face the consequences.

- Is that a veiled threat? - It's a naked-ass threat.

You've crossed the line, Shawn.

Okay, show me the line.

That's clean.

You must be out of your damn mind! Stop it.

- You stop it. - Stop it.

Do you think the guys would

like a nice bottle of wine? Oh, yeah.

Gus is really stepping his sophistication game up.

Mmm. What do you have in a grenache?

A grenache? Well, that depends,

how sophisticated are these two gentlemen?

Let it go.

Let it go. Let it go.

I need this purse, Gus.

It's for your own good.

♫ ♫

Wait. Wait.

No. No. No.

Just let me do what I do, and you can have this back.

I came to say "good night," Shawn.

Good night.

- Stand down. - No.

Jyess.

Well, would you like to hear the specials?

- We love a special. - Yeah, for sure.

Right. Well, we have a certified organic algae bowl,

served family style in a cast-iron cauldron

or for one drenched in an edible sea sponge.

We should go on.

We also have a gluten-infused cuatro quesos dos Fritos.

That's served on a bed of warm sand.

Not too hot, just warm.

- Does it burn? - What do you think?

I'm sorry I sprayed you with Jyess.

But, you know, we really should consider the possibility

that her plan is to take off and steal this baby...

We also have a sauerkraut gramble

that comes with a side puddle of Salt Lake City fry sauce,

which is perfect for people who like to dunk things.

Get in there.

Get in there. Get in there. Get in there. Get in there.

It's a very loose sauce,

and we just put it on a flat plate.

- No. You wouldn't do that. - Yes.

Yeah. No. You wouldn't do that.

Does it seem like they've been gone for a long time?

No, it seems about right to me.

Oh, you know met these days.

They're just in there for so long, always primping.

Um, no. Our men don't primp.

You are a monster. An absolute monster.

I am sorry for lip-sticking your face.

But that's all I'm sorry for,

because you never listen, Shawn. Ever.

And I know you're only doing this

because you're afraid I'm gonna disappear.

But let me remind you of the African proverb/bumper sticker

that taught us it takes a village to raise a child.

You're in my village, Shawn.

Well, thank you for saying that.

But the reason I couldn't find Selene's husband

is because she's not in the police database,

or any database.

I'm sorry, but she doesn't exist.

She does exist, Shawn, and I'm marrying her,

and she's carrying our child.

Which is exactly why you should be more concerned

than I am.

Dude, let's just ask her.

Oh, no. She will never know about this.

And the only person to ask is me.

Gus and Selene both have sisters in line in front of me.

Wait.

Doesn't Selene have a sister? Haven't you met her?

Yes. Whitney. I've been to her house once.

Gus, that's it. I beg of you, let's pop by.

We'll ask one probing question. That probably gets us

to the husband, which gets us to your wedding.

Come on, man. We'll be stealthy, like jackals.

Unless your jackal switch is broken.

- What did you say? - Huh?

Oh, I said unless your jackal switch is broken, Jack.

My jackal switch is never broken, Jack.

I'll do the Jack-tagging around here.

Fine. And I'll do the overnight jackal upgrade,

since it's been a minute.

- Fine. - Fine.

Just... come on. Just...

And I think she thought about it,

but no, she's not gonna change her name.

I like Janet.

Janet Vick?

- Hey. - So... we doing appetizers?

Oh, I can share something.

What are those?

These are invitations swatches, Shawn.

Gus, it doesn't feel like you're giving

this investigation the attention it deserves.

It's not an investigation. It's a formality.

Whitney's gonna clear up this whole identity nonsense

in two minutes. Now be quiet.

I have a more pressing issue.

I have to get a wedding band booked.

Ha! You're calling Curt Smith?

He's not gonna play your wedding, dude.

Warning: Guster calling.

Warning: Guster calling.

Warning: Guster calling. Warning...

I haven't decided yet, Guster.

Yes, you have.

Of course you want to be there

for the most special day of my young life.

Well, for starters, you're firmly ensconced in midlife,

and if you don't mind me saying,

you're acting like a bit of a groomzilla.

There were 11 calls on my phone last night,

and you tried to access my doorbell camera.

I just need a verbal commitment from you now.

We're gonna clear up this one issue

with my wife getting divorced, and then the ceremony's

gonna go into overdrive. I can't wait any longer.

Look, I'm not supposed to tell anyone this,

but I have a potential conflict.

I'm at the top of a very short list

to join Andrew Ridgely's newly reformed Wam.

What? Ridgely's putting Wham! Back together?

Is he allowed to do that, like, legally?

Of course he is. He cowrote "Club Tropicana,"

for Christ's sakes.

That seems like a legal minefield, Curt.

No, he's taking the "H" and the exclamation point

out of "Wham!"

It's a totally different band name.

Tastefully understated. No punctuation at all.

Curt, you know that's never gonna fly.

And this wedding is a guaranteed gig.

Let's get down to business.

Have you learned "Thong Song" yet?

Don't ruin this for me, guys.

I've got to be ready to pounce if I get the offer?

Curt, I really need you.

Would it make a difference if I threw in an extra 35 bucks?

Actually, it would.

My Man United bets haven't been working out lately.

Done. I'll send over the rehearsal info

the second we get this marriage dissolved.

Quick question: how are your videography skills?

Hello?

Hello, kind sir. My name is Shawn Spencer.

This is partner, Birdindahand Anddabush.

- My name is not Birdindahand. - Anddabush.

My name is Burton Guster,

and this is my partner, Potential Spam.

- I'll call later. - We drove out

from San Francisco to quickly clear up

a small understanding we have about...

There she is.

Hey, baby girl...

My bad.

We just have a few questions. Shouldn't take long.

Uh, you need to leave, whoever you are.

Is this a joke?

It's me, Gus. I was here in August.

I accidentally broke the lamp and ate all the macadamia nuts.

She said she doesn't know you.

You need to hit the bricks.

Sir, I'm Selene's future husband.

Who's Selene?

Okay, I feel like this is going sideways.

Can you bring Whitney back out here, please?

- Who the hell's Whitney? - Gus.

Who the hell is Whitney? She's my fiancée's sister.

And I don't like what your words are doing

to my head right now.

My words are the least of your head's problems.

- Gus. - What?

- She's on the move. - What the...

♫ Oh, yes, it's ladies' night ♫

♫ And the feeling's right ♫

♫ Oh, yes, it's ladies' night ♫

♫ Oh, what a night ♫ ♫ Oh, what a night ♫

What is happening?

Why's she pretending not to know me?

This one's a head-scratcher, Gus.

But I do have a theory. I think she and Ke'Brian

are being held in that house against their wills.

- Who's Ke'Brian? - The guy, Gus.

The guy who answered the door. Please.

That dude was clearly an Arthroponos.

What? No.

You saw the way he was rocking that pumpkin shirt.

That means big "K," little "e," plus an apostrophe.

Something unique... or Glen.

Dude, she is not gonna make that turn.

I think you're right.

- Damn! - Oh, my God!

If she went limp,

she's probably fine?

Oh, my God, Shawn. This will rue the day.

Uh-oh.

Oh, hey! Hey!

Are you okay?

Well, I just rolled my car! How do you think I feel?

It's a mixed bag. The launch angle was epic!

Leave me alone!

We have some questions for you!

Yeah, well the less you know, the better.

Selene's carrying my child!

Damn.

Yeah. Well, okay... okay, look.

She hires me to be her sister.

And, actually, Selene is one of many names she uses,

and you're not the first person she's brought over.

She pays me 600 bucks every time.

I pretend to be somebody

who can validate one of her fake identities.

- So you're an actress. - Yes, I am.

Have we seen you in anything?

Uh, do you have the Peacock?

- What's that? - It's a streaming service.

Ah, there's so many streamers.

You know what she's talking about?

No, she's making that up.

Anything else?

Do you ever watch USA Network?

Not since 2014.

And the last few seasons of "Suits."

Okay, okay, she said if anyone finds out

about our arrangement, I am in extreme danger.

This woman is not who you think she is.

- Is she Prince? - She isn't Prince, Shawn.

- Whoa, where you going? - We can still see you.

This plan is weird.

Why don't you let us give you a ride?

Please let me go.

I'm scared. And I can't help you.

Answer one more question.

Do you remember her talking about living in Santa Monica?

Uh, that's...

where we met.

Can you fill in three numbers and five letters

in an address, please?

Can you call my boyfriend?

Of course we can. What's his name?

Glen.

- Hey. - Hey.

Do you have a minute? It's kind of personal.

Yes. Yes, I do.

Do you want to... do you want to ask me something?

Yes, I do. It's just that...

Oh, actually, I'm gonna sit down for this.

Okay. So...

No, I want to stand up.

- Okay. - Okay.

All right.

Gus missed his appointment with the wedding fire-eater.

- They have those? - Apparently.

But the thing is, is he never misses anything

in regards to planning this wedding.

And now I can't get ahold of him. Have you seen him?

I'm having a serious déjà vu right now.

Um, I'm sure he's with Shawn. Yeah.

That's what I thought.

And then I found this.

They went through your purse?

If they're doing what I think they're doing,

they're in grave danger.

And worse than that, it's my fault.

We're gonna need backup.

You think Meghan Markle invited the entire cast

of "Suits" to the royal wedding?

Nope. She did not.

- Phones off, Shawn. - What?

Selene and I have the Find My Location feature

on our phone... If we're gonna do this,

we have to be stealth mode from here on out.

Gus, Jules and I trust each other implicitly.

I would never do anything to violate that oath.

Then again, I can't tell a lie if my phone is off.

Hello, ma'am. My name is Shawn Spencer.

This is my partner, Burton Guster-Rodriguez.

- Rodriguez? - It's always been there, man.

Oh. We want to ask you a few questions about this woman.

Oh, hell, no.

If I never see that woman again in my life, it'll be too soon.

Her and that charismatic, smooth-talking husband

of hers up and damn disappeared.

Middle of the night. And left all their junk.

No notice, no nothing.

I see. And, uh, when was this?

- A couple years now. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's... let's go back. How charismatic are we talking?

On a scale of you to Daniel Kaluuya,

he's... Harry Belafonte.

- Holy sh... - Stay focused.

Look, a whole gaggle of shady characters

have already been here, and you're late to the party.

You cops? I'm her current fiancée.

And I have a few questions for you.

Firstly, what is her name?

You don't know your fiancée's name?

Not her real one, no.

- It's not Prince, is it? - Ignore him.

It's not Prince, is it?

Listen, I don't want anything to do with this.

Those two were toxic. Magnets for trouble.

And you need to beat it before I call real cops.

- All right. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Shawn, we can't just give up. What are we doing?

I'm starting to get worried here.

I need a logical explanation.

Gus, don't be all the chalices

that Indy didn't choose at the end of "Last Crusade."

There is a showing of Selene's old apartment

to a prospective tenant in 45 minutes.

- So? - So...

there's a thrift store, a Party City,

and a Halloween Spirit pop-up across the street.

Meet me back here in 20

with a disguise that does not pale to my idea.

It is a competition.

Okay, I think it's up here.

How are you? Are you okay? How are your feet?

You need a LÄRABAR? I got a LÄRABAR.

I'm fine. I mean, my bunions are flared up,

and this may be the swan song for my left nub of a pinky toe,

but this is bigger than me, Juliet.

Yeah, it's bigger than both of us.

- Oh, I guess... - Oh.

What I wanted to say

was thank you.

Thank you for trusting me, for believing in me

when you don't know the whole story,

for not judging me.

But, mainly,

thank you for being my friend.

And now you're stuck with me.

And you know what that means, right?

I do?

I mean... I mean, I do.

I mean, I hope I do... oh!

Karen?

O'Hara?

Oh, please tell me there's no zombie apocalypse.

That's right.

Willie Tyler, the greatest ventriloquist in the world.

And Lester.

I accept your concession of defeat.

I, for sure, beat you. Willie Tyler's almost 80.

Shawn, need I remind you what doesn't crack?

We're in Hollywood.

If people actually believe I'm Willie,

that's instant street cred.

We're in Santa Monica. Lester's passable.

And your ceiling is Lamont from "Sanford and Son."

Says the guy who threw on a gray lady wig

"and a fake beard."

Are you kidding me right now? Look at my face, Gus.

I'm the spitting image of Rob Zombie.

Pfft, please. You don't look anything like...

Oh, my gosh.

Did you know you look like him?

I didn't.

Not until I put on this wig and added the side buckle.

It's weird, right?

- Super weird. - Yeah.

Well, it's just part of my reality now.

Should we slow-walk it?

Shawn, don't ask stupid questions.

♫ ♫

- That was quick. - Yeah.

I didn't realize we were so close to the unit.

- Well, we can finish strong. - Let's do it.

♫ ♫

We have an appointment to see an apartment, dummy.

She's not the dummy. You're the dummy.

I don't have my hand up a puppet's ass.

Whoa, language. There could be kids around.

Which kids?

I hate LA.

Bryn, show these two idiots apartment 336.

Takes one to know two, Beowulf.

Beowulf?

I saw your lips moving.

I can see your lips moving.

And two.

No, you can't.

Psst.

- Psst. - What?

She's on to us.

Act natural.

I'm... I'm sorry. Hi.

I know I'm staring. I just have to ask.

Are you really him?

Pfft, don't joke on that crow, son.

I'm just such a huge fan, Mr. Zombie.

I know "31" wasn't for everybody,

but it was definitely for me.

Oh. Thank you.

You bring so much more to the picnic than potato salad.

Just to be clear, you recognize me, right?

- Not him. - No, sorry.

I am not familiar with your friend

and his Urkel puppet, but he seems very nice.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Urkel? Urkel?

Name one time that Urkel ever wore a hat.

Name it. One time.

Okay. I can see that I have offended you.

I apologize.

I am still learning basic social protocols.

I was raised on an ashram.

My mother was a tree.

He wore jeans, suspenders, sometimes he had ice cream.

It's very simple... Excuse us for one moment.

I need you to reel it in.

- I know Urkel, Shawn. - I know you do.

But she is sympathetic to our needs.

Keep your eyes on the prize.

She might be able to give us something we can use.

- I'm calm. - Good.

Now start calling me Rob, or Whitey Z.

- Pfft. - And for her sake,

why don't you make the puppet say, "Did I do that?"

I will not undermine the integrity of the puppet.

I will not. Fine. That was my bad.

Bryn...

I can't tell you exactly why we needed to see this place.

I'm under a strict nondisclosure agreement

with my record label and Meg Foster.

What I can tell you is that we have to be extremely thorough.

You understand. Totally. That's cool.

Oh. I mean, that's not...

Usually, that's not really allowed.

- I'm sorry. - That's okay. I love it.

I'm gonna be honest with you.

I'm not Rob Zombie.

How did you know that was gonna be up there?

Because, Bryn, I'm a psychic.

And as, you saw with your very own eyes,

I'm also a master of disguises.

We're tracking the couple that lived here two years ago

and the likely owners of whatever is in this box.

Anything that you can remember about them

might save lives.

Oh, okay.

Well, I remember they were really cute together.

Whoa, whoa. No need to editorialize.

She had shortish hair, I think.

Whatever. It doesn't matter. Him. Oh, my God.

He was beautiful, inside and out.

Although I did kind of get the feeling that he didn't really...

Care about her?

No, that he didn't really live here.

Like, he would disappear for days at a time

and then just move right back in.

S-H-A-D-Y.

- Gus! - What?

I need you stop it.

And get this thing open.

Anyway, so, one night, there was this loud skirmish, right?

And then, they just bolted under the cover of darkness.

Like the old Cleveland Browns.

The old Cleveland Browns.

That's not gonna work.

You're gonna use...

Trust it. Trust it.

You have it.

Very impressive.

Happy to lend a hand.

Okay, no. I'm sorry.

He's just speaking normally

with, like, regular lip function.

Whoa.

♫ ♫

Thank you so much for your help.

We'll be taking this box and its contents.

But... ah! Ah!

I am getting a message from your mother.

Really?

She wants you to water her roots...

on Arbor Day.

Tell her that I will.

I'll tell you what,

these forgeries are top-notch.

This is not some random con artist.

Whoever did this is into some serious stuff.

Great.

Oh, Guster. Not again.

There's gonna be a perfectly good explanation.

And this gun with the scraped-off serial numbers?

Maybe it was a gift. Maybe she found it in a dumpster.

Maybe you should consider that your lady picker is broke,

and move on.

Dad, whether or not Selene is an international spy

or a serial killer, it's irrelevant.

What we need right now is police assistance, okay?

Lassie's not happy with us.

Yeah, well he's not talking to me either.

He says he wants nothing to do with all Spencers.

Just insist that he take your help.

I'll give you my earpiece.

Oh, my God!

Gus, get in here.

Shawn.

He's having a kid. Dad, you're having a kid,

at your age? Shawn, stop. Stop.

I will not share my inheritance

with this demon spawn.

On behalf of me and my potentially jail-bound wife,

let me be the first to say, congratulations to you.

Stop! I am not having a baby.

This crib was for you, Shawn.

Oh, Dad, that's very sweet,

but I sleep in a big-boy bed now.

Guster told me you and Juliet were having a baby.

What?

Oh.

I might have been hopped up

on hallucinogenic ice chips at the time.

Did I never clarify that it was actually me?

- No. - Oh.

But, fortunately, I figured it out,

after nine weeks of Shawn saying nothing about it.

You guys have some serious communication issues.

Says the guy who turns off his phone

so his wife can't track him.

So once I got over feeling left out,

I decided to finish what I had started.

You two nitwits never do anything without the other one,

so I figured it's only a matter of time

and you and Juliet will pop one out.

Yeah. Uh, Dad,

Juliet and I have decided not to have kids.

Well, obviously, you'll have to reconsider.

We talked it through.

We're both very happy. We've got a good thing.

Shawn. Shawn, this is a big deal.

Not just for me.

But also for me.

Okay, Dad, I can't do this with you right now,

because today is all about Gus

and his soon-to-be wife, who is leading a double life

that has something to do with that gun we found.

Also, we finally are on to the husband.

She's married?

Dad, please, try and keep up.

Gus is losing hope and feeling slightly incontinent.

Most of that is true.

We need to track those fake IDs and retrace their steps.

- That won't be necessary. - Why not?

Because one of those IDs isn't a fake.

- You take this one. - I want you to have it.

- No, this is all you. - It's your journey.

This is a no-look alley-oop. Slam dunk it.

Both: Which one?

Chief, I am so horrified to meet you here.

It's just that your assistant said you were the last one

to see Shawn, and he is now missing,

and we need to know what he told you.

Sorry to ruin your family vacation.

Oh, you know, there is no family vacation.

I guess we're going to reschedule.

Yeah, where is everybody?

I missed them. They went back home.

Yeah, I got here early this morning

and realized they didn't want to do another trip without me.

So they just left you alone?

No, hardly. Hardly.

I left them alone...

a hundred times.

Working until I couldn't.

I let them down.

I mean, Iris was kidnapped

and taken to Alcatraz, for God's sake.

You saved her, Karen.

Yeah, well, barely, and it never should have happened.

Well, I guess this is where the rubber hits the road,

so welcome to the aftermath, ladies.

Take good look.

Do you need a hug?

No, right now,

what I think I need is something I can solve.

But all I got from Shawn is that he was concerned

that you, Selene, were not being completely honest

with Gus about who you are.

He was right.

You need to tell us exactly who you are.

Down to the worst detail.

Can we eat first?

Well, this is "Kiakos,"

so you can stop staring at that guy's driver's license.

I think this dude is wearing a wig.

- He's not wearing a wig. - You don't know afros, Shawn.

Great. Another fake address.

Unless he lives in a water tower,

which would make him one of the Animaniacs.

He's here, Shawn. I know it.

There's only 2,692 people in this town.

We could knock on every door, if we have to.

Don't be a negative frittato, Shawn.

We're detectives. Let's detect.

I appreciate the effort, Gus. I really do.

But adding a pun to a "don't be"

just feels like a hat on a hat.

I don't care, Shawn. I'm talking about Selene.

I don't care if she did all those things.

I don't care if the police want her, if she robbed someone.

I don't even care if that baby isn't mine.

- Ooh. - I love that woman,

regardless. Do you understand me?

Let me ask you this.

Okay, I do care if the baby isn't mine.

Why does a decommissioned water tower need a mailbox?

And why is there mail in it?

Good news, man.

Whoever lives here has a telescope pointed at the road

and at least five security cameras,

all of which we are on.

Gus, what if someone's home? What are you doing?

I'm jimmying the lock, Shawn.

What is that? Why are you doing it like that?

I'm making myself inconspicuous.

I promise you, it's having the exact opposite effect.

What do you think it looks like to the rest of the town?

The rest of the town can suck it.

No. Keep that thing away from me.

Shh.

I'm not saying any, Shawn.

I knew it.

He's a creepy stalker dude.

This is "Sleeping with the Enemy."

Check his towels.

Try again, Gus.

This is "Sicario."

That doesn't help me, Shawn.

You know I turned my back on Benicio after "The Wolfman."

All right. Who's the ginger?

He's in every single one of these photos.

Eyes forward! Eyes forward!

You're dealing with a desperate man

with a couple of very itchy trigger fingers.

Oh, don't you move.

I knew she would have moved on.

Anyone would have.

All right. Y'all can turn around.

These aren't even real guns.

Those aren't even fake guns.

Who are you?

My name is Shawn Spencer.

This is my partner, Black Jack Arnold.

I can roll with that.

But my real name is Burton Guster, damn it.

And Selene Gilmore, or whatever her Christian name is,

she is my fiancée and she's carrying my child.

And I'm here to remove her from your kung-fu grip, sucka.

- Kung-fu grip? - Yeah.

Does it look like I'm calling any shots here?

I don't have indoor plumbing.

Look, don't let that water tower fool you.

So why are you here?

And who's this guy you've been stalking?

Well, that monster

is the reason boo and I had to split up.

- She's not your boo. - Yeah.

She's my wife.

Gus. Gus.

Let the man bring us up to speed.

That's why we came all the way to "Cuyacas."

Caya... Cayu... I haven't heard it both ways.

I haven't heard it at all. Where are we?

Look, it doesn't matter.

That's Ronald Coe... excuse me...

CEO of eco-friendly microbrewery

Pacific Mountain Brew Works,

a hero to the environment, but to us,

he's nothing but a drug-smuggling arms dealer.

Now, you think you can handle the whole story?

I was made for whole stories.

He calls himself...

Wait. Time out. Is it weird that I'm standing next to you?

Like we're gonna tell the story together?

I mean, I don't know what you're...

I'm just gonna go stand over there.

Mm-hmm.

Here I am, next to my pal.

Please continue.

He calls himself...

both: The Bull.

But nobody knows that, because he's the last person

anybody would think is running guns and drugs.

CEO criminal. Okay.

So we're basically talking about Victor Maitland.

You talking about the villain from "Beverly Hills Cop"?

Gray-haired gentleman, very dark skin, Capricorn.

Nothing like that at all.

Maitland owned a gallery and lived in a city.

Sure, but he was selling drugs.

- On the side. - Okay.

Does it have to be a movie character?

You want us to understand? Yes.

- It would help us enormously. - Okay, fine.

Victor Maitland.

So I was an investigator at a private security firm.

I was working for an insurance claim company.

I get sent out to take photos of a worker's comp claim.

I stumble across this smooth,

swole brother named Alan Decker.

He's hiding across the street, watching the same complex.

She got pictures, I got pictures.

We pooled our stuff together.

So we working in close quarters.

Mm-hmm. Under the specter of danger.

- Mm. - Sparks start to fly.

Tale as old as time.

And we couldn't deny the heat any longer.

You can skip this part. It's disgusting.

It was exciting and sexy.

We felt like these moral crusaders, you know?

So we about to tail a delivery van,

and one of his muscle heads is about to make a drop.

Talk about a serious crime.

Something goes wrong. It's a gun fight.

One of the goons leaves a gun at the scene.

That was it. We had a literal smoking gun.

But nobody wanted to believe anything bad about this guy.

The cops were more concerned

how we found a gun with missing serial numbers.

That's when we knew we had to do it alone.

And we were intoxicated by it.

Yeah, that was the night I asked her to marry me.

Gotta strike when the iron's hot.

I got caught up in the moment and said yes.

His cousin, Nipsey, is ordained and drove up from Bakersfield.

I still owe her an engagement ring, a honeymoon.

We figured there'd be time.

But no matter how careful we thought we were being,

his goons would always find us.

That's when I realized:

the only way we'd stay alive is if we split up.

One of the toughest decisions I ever made in my life.

He broke up with me on a Post-it Note.

No.

Like when Berger broke up with Carrie?

- "I'm sorry." - "I can't"?

- "Don't hate me"? - Yes.

So I realized I had nothing else to lose,

so I came back to finish the job.

And here we are.

Enough. You've painted a pretty picture,

but you forgot one thing.

- Shoot. - What is her real name?

- Is it Prince? - Ooh.

Yeah, it'd probably be best if she told you that.

Nah. You need to tell me! Right now!

You are very close to my face.

Tell me,

or things are about to get weird.

They're not about to get weird, Gus.

They're weird.

It's time for you and I to take a very short

but meaningful walk.

Fine.

We'll be back.

I didn't even know if he was even still alive.

I realized the whole thing was

just the intensity of the moment,

and I needed to get on with my life.

And I did.

I met Gus.

And I cannot lose him.

So we need to find him and stop him

before he realizes what he's getting into.

Okay. It's fine. I'm gonna change.

Selene, you douse the fire.

O'Hara, you're driving,

because these men are not gonna save themselves.

- Hey. - Damn it, Henry.

I've been ignoring your calls on purpose.

I know.

But you're not gonna out- "Gran Torino" me.

Just watch.

Oh, wow.

New grill, huh?

Infrared burners.

Holy mother.

They released my suspect.

It's entirely my fault he's back on the streets.

Oh.

Well, it won't be for long.

Just have to build up the result of the case, together.

I looked like such an idiot.

Well, we all do sometimes.

McNab asked for motive.

I ordered a combo meal.

- That's good. - That's not funny.

Oh, come on, man.

Look, Shawn is working on something pretty important.

Not interested.

He found this gun,

but the serial numbers have been scratched off.

Now, I know that you're a master

at recovering this stuff.

Oh, yeah?

Well, it turns out recovery's not my thing after all.

Well, maybe I'll just leave it here.

Hey, Mr. Spencer.

Hey, Lily.

What a surprise.

You know, don't bother, honey. He's just leaving.

Don't worry, Dad. I got the expired stuff.

- Lily, what did I just say... - Wait, my phone's ringing.

You don't have a phone.

Shut up.

You know, sometimes I think my kid's more intuitive than I am.

Welcome to the club.

Losers.

I can assume this isn't for me.

Nope.

And I wouldn't shake that if I were you.

Well, you're not me.

Look, man, I'm just trying to make things right

for my unborn child.

I'm a decent man,

and you seem like a decent man too.

Yeah, this one is tough.

Seeing her like this.

And you, all forehead.

It's like this is supposed to be my life.

Then I realized, I don't have a life.

All I do is hide and wait.

So I'll make you a deal.

- I'm listening. - Look, I'm close.

If you two help me finish this,

I'll let her go.

Forever.

Help me get some time of version of my own life back,

and I'll step out of hers.

You'll sign divorce papers?

- Yeah, I will. - We're in.

Whoa. You haven't heard the plan yet.

The plan is to marry my fiancée

before her water breaks.

We have a deal.

Y'all want to split a Moon Pie?

First of all, I'm not in until there's a foolproof plan.

- Since when? - Secondly,

anything less than a whole Moon Pie

is a nonstarter, for both of us.

- 3/4. - You or us?

You.

What's the math on that?

We get 3/8 each.

That's more than two whole Moon Pies.

We accept.

It's just semantics.

It's not semantics, Shawn.

All right, Johnson. Have fun, buddy.

You're a maniac.

Mom's calling!

How is Marlowe doing?

I'm sure none of this has been easy for her.

Yeah, my wife believes in me so much

she's taken out a loan and gone back to school.

I know you don't believe that.

Night school? Come on, man.

That's no walk in the park.

Mom's on her way home,

and she says don't forget to take your Keppra.

I'm not 11.

- Neither am I. - Yes, you are.

And she's picking up Brophy Bros for dinner.

Ooh, I love that place.

It's Dad's favorite. You should stay.

Okay.

But you'll have to watch us eat.

- What are you doing? - You got a text from Mom.

And you left your reading glasses inside.

How do you know my passcode?

Why wouldn't I know your passcode?

Touché.

"My darling lover."

Gross.

"I just couldn't wait to tell you

I got us Ted Nugent tickets for the 27th,"

with three exclamation marks for some reason.

"I love you. Home soon."

♫ ♫

You okay over there, Carlton?

You might be the first person

I've ever seen cry over Ted Nugent.

Kleenex. On it.

My girls have seen me at my absolute worst

and haven't blinked. Not once.

God, I'm such a fool.

Oh, come on. You're not a fool.

Your life's dreams were stolen from you overnight.

I got news for you.

You are so much more than just being a cop, Carlton.

Am I?

Look.

I know this may not seem fair,

and you may not have everything you want,

but you gotta believe you got everything you need.

And take it from me, you do not want to spend the next 20 years

sitting on this porch

trying to make up for lost time.

I don't know if I'm ready to let go yet.

Marlowe will be home in 20 minutes.

Show me the gun.

Yeah. Hey, great.

All right, look.

What's it gonna take to lift these numbers?

It's an acid compound.

Where would I find something like that at this hour?

In the garage, under "A" for acids.

Seriously?

That's my girl.

- Hey, Dad. - Yeah, Lily-bunny?

Ted Nugent's not the guy with the crossbow, is he?

He sure is, honey.

This is supposed to be me, right?

Well, yeah, it's supposed to be you.

It looks like Anthony LaPaglia now.

- My marker was running out. - It's fine. It'll have to do.

All right!

I got the plan.

We already figured it out.

Guys, I've literally been studying the ins and outs

of this place for months.

We know, and it's very impressive.

But before you launch into hieroglyphics and string theory

and whatever else you have on that corkboard, just...

You're gonna want to hear our plan.

Make it quick.

We dig a trench and tunnel under the brewery,

resurfacing on the inside.

You, Alan, free climb the barley vats

and wait up top, next to the thermal exhaust port.

There is no thermal exhaust port.

Gus reaches out his hand and pulls you through.

Where am I? I'm on the flank,

serving up "look, it's me, not a stuntman" realness.

There's a confrontation with a man holding a wrench,

and we're all chased by motorcycles.

You grab the evidence.

We escape through a hole in the wall.

Then, I find a house of windows.

- What? - A house of windows.

- What? - A house...

Of windows.

You realize I'm not who I appear to be,

yet my hair remains unchanged.

We end up right back here, in this cottage,

where I start to throw myself against the walls.

Then I stop for reasons unknown.

- And Gus weeps. - You weep.

What you just pitched was essentially the plot

from the "Take on Me" video.

Wow. He really knows his stuff.

That's not possible.

Would you have gotten it without the illustrations?

- Never looked. - Okay.

What's your garbage plan?

Okay. You guys will be the distraction.

No. Boring.

It is excitement that you're looking for?

Point taken. Carry on.

Thank you.

Today is Sunday. Coe doesn't brew on Sabbath.

It's a skeleton crew, and the empty kegs get delivered.

- We're keg deliverymen? - Is that a problem?

Like, I literally just cut a deal with the guys

that usually make the delivery. It was a big undertaking.

All right, fine. What do we get to do?

Okay. Hear me out. Hear me out.

You guys get to shut down the auxiliary power grid,

disabling the alarm system.

- Yeah! - It's an olive branch.

- Feels like table scraps, Gus. - Let's hear him out.

All right. I will go to the safe room.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm the one

who does the safe-cracking around here, okay?

There's no safe.

It's simply an office with fortified windows.

Like a panic room.

You're not making it sound any less cool.

The safe room has a time lock.

If the doors activate, you're locked in there for two hours,

and you're dead meat.

- We don't want that gig. - No, we don't.

Okay, you've sold us on not being the safe room guys.

But... and this is not open for negotiation...

When we tell the story, we reserve the right to say

that it was either of us who was the safe room guy,

and you were running around with kegs, and whatever.

Okay, fine.

Look, I just need the system down long enough

to get The Bull's ledger and leave with my heartbeat.

Look, I know exactly where everything is.

Except the thermal exhaust port.

Are you guys ready to pick up the delivery van?

- This is where we make our... - Move in.

He has to say yes, 'cause he doesn't have anybody else.

I'm telling you.

Make it a Wienermobile.

No. both: Damn it!

Yeah, I guess we're in. I mean, we're here, right?

All right. Hands in the middle.

Morten Harket, the lead singer of a-ha, on three.

- One. - Do I...

Two. Three.

All: Morten Harket, the lead singer of a-ha!

- Yeah! - See?

You just commit to something, it feels nice, doesn't it?

And then the psychic made this, 'cause he had, like,

seen that there was, like, a box up there or something.

And then the ventriloquist, who just talked normally,

used the puppet as a skeleton key,

and then the psychic told me that I have to water my mom.

That story is ridiculous.

And very on-brand.

Did they say where they were headed?

Yes. I gave them directions to a DQ.

Mm-hmm.

- Henry? - Yeah, hey, Juliet.

I thought you might like to know

that your husband and his partner

are on a wild-goose chase looking for Selene's husband,

and in the middle of all that, no surprise,

they have managed to involve themselves with a gun runner.

- Gun runner, yes, we know. - Yeah.

Lassiter traced a gun they found in an ammo box back

to a cartel in Cartagena.

Wait, how... How do you have the gun?

It was in a box along with a couple of fake IDs

and one legit one from a city called Cayucos.

Where is Cayucos?

I know where they are.

He went to our first hideout.

I know what they're doing.

And your father-in-law has the first piece of evidence

that could put The Bull away.

How fast can we drive?

As fast as we want.

Hey. Your gender-reveal box is showing.

Oh! Oops.

You guys are early. You got the work order?

Does Kim Basinger have an Oscar?

Seriously, do you know?

Because, um, it seems like something that happened.

You aren't the regular guys.

No. No, we are not. Good eye.

Jeremy has a sour guncle, so he called in sick.

And then they gave Bruno the day off, too,

'cause he's got all those kids.

Yeah, uh, I don't know what a guncle is

or how many kids some guy named Bruno has.

My boss does not like surprises.

I gotta call this in.

Let 'em through!

- What was that? - Nothing.

Did you just say "let them through"

without moving your lips?

First of all, thank you.

I've been practicing...

with this.

Did I do that?

He...

Dude!

I saw Jeff Dunham in Vegas a couple years ago.

And then at a Hardee's on New Year's Eve.

That's sad.

Well, that Jalapeño on a Stick is so funny, man.

"On a stick!"

It's epic, yeah.

- But quite racist. - Yes. Yes, it is.

All right, look, just make sure

you send the regular guys next time, okay?

Will do. Thank you, sir.

This is work time.

He's so funny.

See? So much easier this way.

- Well, we don't do easier. - Nope.

- Our brand is crisis. - And Blue Sky dramedy.

Just get the alarm off for me.

And don't die.

Okay.

Okay. I get it.

You get what?

He's everything you've ever wanted to be,

minus the ponytail.

- I could rock a pony tail. - No.

I could jump that high if I had springs in my shoes.

You think he has little springs in his shoes?

I think he has big springs in his shoes.

Or there's a trampoline out there.

Like a little baby trampoline?

Right outside the loading dock? Yeah.

Yeah. The one with a bar on it. Uhhuh.

- We should get going. - Let's go.

Okay, man, according to this,

should be right up on the right.

Nope, left.

Did you really need to bring the bag in?

This has every detail of my wedding in here, Shawn.

I'm not letting this thing out of my sight.

Left.

Bingo.

This is my burden.

I'll go inside.

Hey.

If that lever, switch, or whatever it is

ends up being bigger than we thought,

I'm right here.

I'll pull it with you.

Shawn,

thank you for being you and investigating Selene,

even though I expressly told you not to,

which led us to fisticuffs. Gus.

I'm proud of you.

No, I'm proud of you.

I appreciate that,

but in this particular instance,

I think I'm just a tiny bit more proud than you are.

No, I am the undisputed proud champion

of the world concerning you.

I think I'm proudest of the two of us.

- I'm prouder than proud. - I'm the most proud.

No, if I was climbing Proud Mountain,

I'd be on the peak of Mount Proudness.

Good.

♫ ♫

So this is The Bull's hideout?

It's a microbrewery.

But really, it's a front.

It's just, you kind of sold it as something deadly.

- You sure they're here? - Yeah.

Their car was parked outside of Alan's place.

We all saw it.

So that means they're here,

altogether, and about to do something stupid.

Dude! You did it!

- Let's go! - Okay.

♫ ♫

Uh-oh.

That guard just left his post.

Something's going down.

O'Hara, let's go in.

- Selene, stay put. - No...

Try not to give birth.

And call the local cops for backup,

and let's secure this perimeter.

Did you follow the diagram

and switch the blue wire with the green wire?

I just cut everything attached to the main switch.

Good call. That won't look weird at all.

Nah... Dude, someone's coming.

Winter Soldier.

What? What?

That sounded like gunfire.

You think that could have been anything but a gunshot?

- Maybe it was Tap-Man. - Tap-Man?

Dude, you're Tap-Man. We... we made that up.

I don't know, Shawn. Maybe it was The Catch.

What? I'm the Catch.

Oh, shoot.

- It's a ninja. - What happened to

"nobody's here on a Sunday"? Go that way.

I'm supposed to just sit here?

- Come on. - Shh, shh. Shh, shh.

All right, all right. Let's just lay low, hide out.

Hope that Decker made it to the safe room.

- Uh, Shawn? - What?

There's a dead guy here.

What?

Is it Decker?

No. It's some random dude.

What, were you just openly disappointed?

I'm indifferent, Shawn.

Gus.

That's not just some random dude.

That's The Bull.

Power system shut down.

We have a security breach. All units, report in.

How many more of you are there?

- How did this happen? - What is he even doing here?

Hey! Decker! Hey!

Oh, no, no!

No! No!

Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't look at us.

We stuck to the plan and shut the power down.

Yeah, and then we heard a gunshot

and saw what might have been a ninja

holding a gun right outside.

Then we realized it couldn't be a ninja,

because no self-respecting ninja would be holding a gun.

So then we came in here to hide.

Not hide. Regroup.

- Reset. - Reassess.

- Reassess the situation. - Like men.

And as you can see, The Bull is no longer with us.

- May he rest. - Uh...

Well, uh, the good news is I made it to the safe room.

Congratulations, man. It's been a long haul.

What's the bad news?

Bad news is that he's dead for real.

And you two are the ones who killed him.

Now, believe me, if I didn't have to absolutely do this,

I wouldn't.

But, wow, does the two of you guys being here

tie up a lot of loose ends for me.

You were never gonna sign divorce papers.

That wasn't even necessary.

My cousin Nipsey wasn't ordained.

His name is Nipsey.

- That wasn't a nickname? - No, it wasn't a nickname!

The marriage wasn't legit. I couldn't tell her that.

That's how she stayed connected to me.

So I can marry Selene.

Technically, yes.

If I wasn't about to kill you.

Do you honestly think

Selene's gonna get back with you

after she finds out you killed her baby's father?

Well, they're gonna think The Bull killed you.

And probably Shawn killed The Bull.

And it's gonna be hard

to sort through the pile of dead bodies.

Look, anyways, they find you dead, everyone wins.

Well, I guess that's subjective.

- Nah. - Gus.

- Hell, nah. - What are you doing?

I'm not gonna stand here, counting the moments

till my impending death.

You ready to kill somebody who's not a warlord?

Huh? You man enough for that?

With your gun and your little man purse?

You see my bag?

It's not about the size of the bag.

I love Selene.

And I've co-solved over 130 murders

while maintaining a full-time job

and finishing no less than 9th out 12

at the annual County Fair Pottery Throwdown.

Except for that year I was disqualified.

So take your best shot, motherfu...

Alan.

Put that gun down.

Special K, is that really you?

K? K for what?

That's not important right now, baby.

If I'm gonna die, I need to go knowing

what your real name is... At least give me that.

Kareem.

You... your name is Kareem?

How are we spelling that?

My name is Selene,

now and forevermore.

Just not legally. Yet.

Oh, I knew it. I knew it. I knew I would see you again.

Oh, man, I knew... Okay, okay, okay.

Right, now is not the ideal time,

but, boo, I got everything...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I got everything worked out.

- Put the gun down, Alan. - Sorry, sorry.

I'm sorry.

I know you.

You're not a killer.

Uh, the Bull here might beg to differ.

He was a monster.

You've suffered enough.

It's time for you to be happy.

Go. Run before the cops show up.

Come with me.

I can't.

Gus is my happy now.

It's time for you to find yours.

I'm sorry.

But nobody takes my girl...

Gus, did you try to take me out with a tiny present?

'Cause you ought to do better than that.

Oh! My eyes! My eyes!

- No... - Oh...

I killed him.

What? No. You didn't, Gus. He's just unconscious.

I'm talking about my Lester.

Oh. Yeah.

You did do that.

We're having a boy!

Oh... oh, my gosh!

- Oh, my gosh! - Oh, my gosh!

- Oh, my gosh! - Oh, my gosh!

- Oh, my gosh! - Ahh!

It's no biggie. It's just a contraction.

It's okay. We have time... ooh!

Okay. Shawn, Shawn, get the kegs off the dolly.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Come on. Okay, take your time.

Take your time. Take your time.

All right, my love. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

- I got you. I got you. - Okay.

- Ooh! - Right there.

You're going back for the bag?

Shawn, we've been through this!

Get her on the dolly! Okay, okay, okay!

Watch out. Watch out. Okay.

Okay, here we go.

I think that's everyone.

Okay, one more sweep.

- Find your husband. - Mm-hmm.

It's all right. Just relax.

What do you think, left or right?

- I don't know! - All right, let's go right!

Shawn, how do we get the hell out of here?

I don't know. I don't know.

Maybe we don't. Maybe we're lost.

Stop. I'm sorry. No. I just... I just need a minute.

Yeah, take a breather. Take a breather.

- Okay. Okay. - Gus.

Gus, that's the... That's the safe room, right?

There's a sofa. Ooh, sofa sounds great.

Yeah, and the back wall is the ship from "Alien."

- The Nostromo. - Was it the Nostromo?

What's Prometheus then...

Guys, I just... I would really like to get in there.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, come on, come on.

- Okay, thank you. - Here we go. Here we go.

Plenty wide. Right this way.

Right this way. You're doing great.

- Here we go. Okay. - Doing great.

Look at that, huh?

Whoo! Okay.

- Ah. - Ah!

- Ooh! - Okay.

- Okay. - All right. Okay.

- Okay. All right? - Good, huh?

Oh, yeah. That's plush.

Oh, oh, oh! Hold on. Hold on. Oh, okay.

Thank you for getting here so quickly.

We've got one shooting victim, but I don't think

the paramedics are gonna do much good.

But let's go ahead and scour every inch of this place, okay?

You go that way.

It's a burrito with an empanada inside.

Now, it's gonna take us a little while to get there,

but you are going to thank me forever.

It sounds delicious.

And I know I said I thought I had about an hour or so,

but this baby's coming right now.

- Gus. - Oh.

- Gus. - Oh!

- Gus! - Oh!

- Gus! - Okay, don't worry.

Don't worry.

I know exactly what to do.

Why are you leaving? Why would you do that?

Okay. Okay. How can I help you?

Get these boots off of me, Shawn!

Okay. All right. All right. I can do that.

Now, look, we're just gonna distract ourselves

for a little while, until Gus comes back with the paramedics,

'cause they're medically trained, aren't they?

- Yeah. - Yes, they are.

Now, are you good? Is your water still intact?

Honestly, it broke three hours ago.

Why would you keep something like that a secret?

I didn't want the ladies to leave me behind.

Plus, I didn't want them to think I was... weak!

Gus!

Listen, this is fine, okay?

We're just gonna improvise for another 30 seconds or so.

Now, do you have a stick or a leather strap

or a knife that you can bite down on for the pain?

You want me to bite down on a knife?

I saw it in "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves."

Worked like a charm. Have you not seen the film?

- Here we go. - Thank God!

Where are the paramedics?

And why are you Zooming with... Father Westley?

- Wedding first. - Hey!

Gus, where are you going? She's in labor!

Oh, there's the bride.

Uh, she looks lovely.

Father Westley, is a Zoom wedding ceremony even legal?

As far as I know.

It's fine. No, this is for God's eyes.

You and Gus are crazy people.

Well, this is a wonderful but unexpected surprise.

I had an exorcism scheduled at 2:00,

but they canceled.

Unlucky for them.

Serendipity, right?

Where we you getting all of these laptops?

Is that...

Curt Smith? You're alive!

Oh, hey, Selene. Hi, Guster.

Do I have time for a soundcheck?

Wow.

We need to start the ceremony right now!

Yeah. Let's go. Let's go.

The power of Christ compels you!

The power of... Father, that's an exorcism.

Oh, sorry. Force of habit. Force of habit.

This is the police.

The building you're in is an active crime scene.

Please evacuate the premises.

Much better.

No, Gus, that's a time-lock door.

We're in the safe room. Why would you do that?

It was loud, Shawn.

But now we're stuck in here!

Yeah.

You're doing great, though. Just keep breathing.

Yes, you are. Breathe.

Okay, look, I'm really in labor.

Like way far down the road. It's, like, bone-grinding.

Jules! Oh, God.

Thank God, Jules. You have to help me.

You have to help me. It won't open.

You have to come in here, because I can't get out there.

Jules, you have to come in here,

because I can't get out there!

You have to come in here, because I can't get out there!

Shawn? Shawn!

What? I mean, what... what, Father?

If we're gonna finish the ceremony,

you're gonna have to be the one to deliver this baby.

No. I can't do that.

Are you gonna give me my dream wedding or not, Shawn?

This is your dream wedding?

Yes, it is! Get over here!

On this peaceful day,

we are here to wed these two in holy matrimony

and, as a bonus, witness the birth of a new baby.

Now, I have known Gus ever since he was a young child,

and I have always suspected that his wedding

would be a day for all to remember.

Shawn, I'm gonna need you to make sure you avert your eyes.

From what?

You know, the business.

Gus, how am I supposed to deliver a child

if I can't use my eyeballs?

Val Kilmer, "At First Sight."

- Damn it. That's fair. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

All right. Let's twist this.

No, let's not twist this.

No. No.

No, no, no.

Father, you're slipping back into that Latin.

Oh, this is way harder than it looks. My bad.

Upside, the baby's gonna be relatively demon-free.

- Okay, speed it up, Padre. - Yes, ma'am.

You have prepared some vows?

Both: Skip 'em.

Where is it?

Ah.

Do you, Selene, take Guster,

in sickness and in health...

And all that other stuff?

I do! I think he's crowning.

Oh, I don't even want to know what that is.

- Shawn. - Oh, sorry. Push.

- No, no push. - No push?

"Push" is the only birthing instruction I know!

- Father. - Ah, here we go.

Do you, Burton Guster...

Oh, hey.

- Hey, O'Hara. - Hey.

Sweetie, are you crying?

Oh, I always cry at weddings.

- Weddings? - Mm-hmm.

- Hey, is that Father Westley? - Mm-hmm.

Yes.

And she's in labor.

- What? - Yeah!

Okay, why is he throwing Holy Water at his laptop screen?

Out! Out!

Father, seriously?

Oh, sorry. Again.

Whatever you just said, I do.

Perfect. Perfect.

Now, Mr. Smith, do you know Corinthians 13?

No. Do you mind if I do "Previous Holiday"

from my new project?

Oh, wow. Dude, you got the gig.

No. They gave it to Jerome.

You know, the guy that holds the mirror in The Time.

Doesn't mean I can't do my own Wham!, though.

Expect I'm gonna pronounce it "Whahm."

What are you talking about right now?

You guys are welcome to be in the video.

- Ooh! I'd like that very much. - Fine. I'm in, too.

No video! Ahh!

- Without me. - What?

Fine. You can all be in the video.

Ah, that's pass for me. I'm more of a crooner.

Okay. Pull!

- Pull? - Is that not a thing?

- No! - Okay!

All right! Okay!

What if we just skip the interlude?

As long as the check clears.

Oh, God. Oh, Go... oh, God.

Oh, I... I... I... I... I can sense that there is a human coming.

I mean, I'm not looking! I'm sensing.

- He's coming. - I'm like Luke Skywalker

with his targeting computer off.

By the power vested in me by the State of California

and those good people at State Farm insurance...

Don't ask... I now pronounce you...

- He's coming! - No, he's not!

Husband and wife.

Okay, push.

Give it everything you got, woman!

Come on, son!

- Ahh! - Ahh!

- You may now kiss the bride. - Okay!

Ahh!

All right. Let's do this!

Push!

Ahh!

Both: Push!

Push!

Pu...

Oh, Gus.

Gus, I think this baby is coming AF!

Avert your eyes, Shawn! Avert your eyes!

Avert your eyes! Oh, my God! It's in my hands!

It's in my hands, Gus! Somebody take this baby!

All: Ahh!

Avert your eyes!

Avert your eyes! Avert your eyes!

Someone take this baby from me! Oh, God!

I'm married!

The miracle of childbirth is horrifying!

Oh, Jules. Oh, thank God you're here.

I'm gonna be scarred forever. Oh, pat my back.

That feel good? You're okay!

Oh, God!

- Use your nails. - My baby.

- Oh, God! - Oh, my baby!

- Oh, I know. I got you. - Oh, God.

It's okay. It's okay. I'm here to scratch you.

- It's our baby. - Oh... oh, hi, Chief.

I didn't see you standing there.

Oh, please tell me you have Decker in custody.

- Huh? - Decker. Selene's ex.

He should have been on the floor on the tasting room,

covered in blue powder,

his pants generally around his knees...

next to the dead ginger CEO, who's also a kingpin.

I saw a dead CEO, the severed head of a dummy,

and plenty of blue powder, but that's it.

- This is not good. - No.

We're not gonna tell them that he got away right now.

Yeah. Yeah.

I need three officers with me right now.

Look at that baby.

His head was so heavy, and his body was so light.

Aww, but you're okay.

And he bit my finger right there.

- He didn't... he didn't bite... - If you look very close,

you can see that he bit my finger.

He did not bite your finger.

Would you like to meet your godbaby?

I'll meet him from over here.

Oh! Oh, gosh.

You already met him.

I'm gonna meet him!

Yes!

Thank you.

Yes!

Oh, hello.

Hi. Oh, my gosh.

Can I tell you something?

Whoever wrapped him up in that...

In that little cloth napkin,

that's who the real MVP is.

Ugh!

I have a son.

♫ ♫

WAM UL.

Not UK.

That's WAM without an H.

Or an exclamashe-un point. Let's go!

♫ ♫

♫ Curt Smith, man myth ♫

♫ He's a salt and peppa, hot steppa ♫

♫ This song is not to be confused ♫

♫ With other works of art ♫

♫ Any similarities are purely coincidental ♫

♫ It's unique in every way ♫

♫ Every single way ♫

♫ This is "Previous Holiday" ♫

Happy Holidays.

♫ Did I just say that out loud? ♫

Whoops.

♫ Didn't mean to specify ♫

♫ Which holiday I was talking about ♫

♫ Gotta keep it vague ♫

♫ Could be a bank holiday ♫

♫ Or the Feast of Guadalupe ♫

♫ Point is, an incident happened last year ♫

♫ The details, I'm advised to steer clear ♫

Use your imagination.

♫ Let's just say someone was sad, and leave it at that ♫

♫ And then this will be independent ♫

♫ Of every other work of art ♫

Even sculptures and stuff.

♫ Light-years away ♫

That's really far.

♫ This previous holiday ♫

WAM UL.

Not UK.

U-to-the-L.

Different in every way.

Let's go!

Let's go!

♫ If you think this sounds familiar ♫

♫ Then sadly, you are wrong ♫

It's okay. Nobody's perfect.

♫ It's worlds away ♫

♫ This previous holiday ♫

♫ This song is very different ♫

♫ From every other Christmas song ♫

In the history of time.

♫ It's worlds away ♫

♫ This is "Previous ♫"

♫ Hol-ol-ol-ol-ol-oliday" ♫

♫ In between the lines, there's a lot of obscurity ♫

♫ I'm not inclined to resign to maturity ♫

♫ If it's all right, then you're all wrong ♫

♫ But why bounce around to the same damn song? ♫

♫ You'd rather run when you can't crawl ♫

♫ I know you know that I'm not telling the truth ♫

♫ I know you know they just don't have any proof ♫

♫ Embrace the deception, learn how to bend ♫

♫ Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end ♫

♫ I know you know ♫

♫ I know you know ♫