Original subtitles

[Mac] He really has an ugly face.

[Dennis] Mmm, he does. He is certainly ugly.

But you know what? That's not really what bothers me about this.

What bothers me is that he looks like an old woman. Right!

[Dennis] Yeah. [Mac] Well, he is wearing...

a lot of blush on those cheekbones. Right!

But I feel like that was the look of the times. It's not just that though, Mac.

It's not. I mean, a lot of presidents somehow end up looking like women.

I mean, look at Ronald Reagan. Right? Mm-hmm.

- He looks... - Why would you hang a painting like this on your wall?

It's the historical society, bro. They have to hang it up. Right. Yeah.

We gotta suffer just because some old dude who looks like Meryl Streep...

chopped down a cherry tree 10 million years ago?

It's just... He looks terrible!

You know what? Let's take it down.

It's just gonna distract us through the meeting. Yeah. Let's get it down, man.

Let's take it down. I'm gonna tear it down.

[Mac] It's gonna distract us. Unbelievable. It's bolted to the wall.

That proves our point, man. We're not the first people who tried to take that thing down.

Yeah, but we're gonna be the first ones to actually succeed. Let's tear it down, Charlie.

Let's just rip it off the wall! Whoa! Guys, guys, guys!

I got a pocket knife. Just cut it out of the frame. [Dennis] That's a good idea.

I've had enough of this dude. Just cut it right out of the frame.

What are you doing?

Oh. Uh...

Do you want this up?

Yes. Yes, I do. Really?

- Uh, may I help you gentlemen with something? - Yeah. Yeah.

Actually, we're here because we want to get our bar certified as a historic landmark.

We want tourists to be able to come by Paddy's Pub as part of the walking tour of Philly.

You know, they can come by, soak up some history, do some shots, get blasted.

In order to be considered as a historical site,

your bar would have to have some historical significance.

Trust us when we tell you that Paddy's Pub played an extremely important part in history.

Mm-hmm. And what part of history might that be?

The cracking of the Liberty Bell, of course.

So you're claiming that your bar...

had a direct role in the cracking of the Liberty Bell?

- Absolutely. - Then tell me about it.

Well, the year was 1412... Oh, ooh. Oh, ooh, no.

Really? Let Dennis... Let Dennis...

- Let me tell the story, Charlie. - Okay. [Clucking Tongue, Imitating Hoofbeats]

Yeah. The year was 1776. And Paddy's Pub, then known, of course, as Patrick's Pub,

was a hotbed of revolutionary activity.

Revolutionaries from all over the country had come together to gather at Patrick's Pub...

to speak of war and revolution.

Will you look at that? Sons of Liberty...

Patriots meeting in our bar speaking of revolution and freedom.

Can you believe it, dear Brother? We're witnessing history in the making.

I do not give a shit, Deandra. Now get me a flagon of ale.

Get your own ale, dick. Uh-uh! You are my slave.

You have to get me flagons of ale.

I saved you from being burned at the stake for being a witch!

You're the one who accused me of being a witch in the first place, Dennis!

Oh, well, what's done is done. That's all in the past now.

So you can either be a slave witch in the bar or you can be a burned-up witch outside.

Up to you! Flagon of ale now?

Guys, guys, guys! I've got some news. I've got some terrible news.

Oh, MacDonald, how goes it? Not good.

You know that chick I've been banging down at Independence Hall?

- Mmm, the fat one. - Well, she's not that fat.

She's pretty fat, dude. Good one, witch. [Laughs] Pretty fat.

Well, whatever. She told me in complete confidence...

that a bunch of old dudes down there are drafting a declaration...

A declaration of independence. Wait. Why would we want to be free from the British?

This declaration is gonna start an all-out war.

We have to make sure we are not on the losing side! Definitely.

Okay, clearly the British are gonna win this thing. Clearly.

All right. We have to make sure that the crown knows that we're on their side.

We have to make our own declaration. Yes.

Yes. We need to make a declaration of dependence.

[Chattering]

Buy your pelts here. We have raccoon. We have foxes.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Ho there, sir.

Now, my good gentleman, what says you of my fine furs here? Mmm!

Merrily, I be able to guide you towards some interest in some purchase?

I can't understand what you're saying. You wanna buy a fur?

Yeah! In July? No, thanks.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Not so fast now.

It's a nice-looking cart of pumpkins you got here. Mmm!

Uh, what says you we maketh some trade, hmm? All of my furs for all your pumpkins?

No. All right. I-I-I-I-I-I...

One pumpkin. Deal.

All right then! [Chuckles] Wait, wait, wait! Whoa, Charlie, Charlie, Charlie!

We're not traders, Charlie. We're thieves.

You want his pumpkins? We kill him and take his pumpkins!

This is 1776!

We'll get away with it! I can hear you.

Yeah, all right. Very good. This is how it will go down. I will beat the man...

about the face and the neck and maybe the chest area and possibly the groin...

Eh? until he's no longer consisting of life pulse.

And then you can collect up the man's cart. I shall findeth a stick.

Yes! Well, we'll need a stick to do the bashing. Sit tight, sir.

Pick a stick. Any stick you like. All right.

Methinks the rod to be the most suitable for our purposes. Ahh! Very nice rod.

Go with that rod. Okeydokey-dokey-doo! Uh-oh! He's gone.

What! He stole our furs! Yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

You shithead! Hey, look on the bright side, Franklin.

We got ourselves a pumpkin.

[Dennis] This is gonna work.

[Mac] I can't believe you dressed like that, bro. Excuse me. This is a good plan.

Okay? If we're gonna get this declaration into the hands of the queen,

we need to dress the part. That's not the way the British dress, bro.

They dress like this. No. British commoners dress like you're dressed.

British peons. Okay? I'm dressed like a nobleman, okay?

These people respond to royalty. [Dee] Hey. Hey, guys.

- Come on. Please help. - Just use your witch strength, slave.

Yeah. It's not that much further. God!

Uh, pardon me. Pardon me, good sirs.

Which of you gentlemen happens to be the highest-ranking military officer here?

That would be me.

Cricket. Colonel Cricket.

- Hmm. - What is your business, sirs?

Ah, well, Colonel, we are the owners of the fine local establishment, Patrick's Pub.

Ahh. Patrick's Pub. Yeah.

Yes, of course. Of course.

The liberty bar, huh? You harbor patriots.

Oh, whoops. No, no, no. No!

No, nayeth. Nayeth. Bad intel there.

Yeah, bad intel. Bit of a miscommunication. Yes. Yeah.

Actually, that is why we're here. Uh, we drew up this declaration.

We also included an illustration that we had hoped would illuminate...

our intentions towards the queen, huh?

This appears to be a rendering of the two of you...

sodomizing the king... Huh?

Whilst the queen is forced to witness. Oh!

Goodness gracious, no! No! No! Look. I'm holding homeboy's arms back.

Yeah. Dennis is ready to jam him in the face.

The queen is impressed. Yeah. That's a bad guy. That's not the king.

- We're doing bad stuff to the bad... - Give me this. You don't get it?

Let's get the ale. The ale. Wench, now the ale. Presenteth it.

Okay, set that down in front of him. And yes, good Colonel,

we present this ale to you and your men in hopes that it will fuel the British to victory.

Madam.

- Whoa! Hey! What the hell are you doing? - Come on!

- Get out of here! You're making things worse! Flee! Fly! - Get back to the bar!

I'm really sorry. That was huge. Yeah.

- That hit you right in the face, didn't it? Oh, man. - Yeah, you know what?

We don't condone that sort of thing, okay? No.

We're gonna tar and feather the shit out of her when she gets back. Don't worry.

I pray you, who is that fiery wench?

Her? Oh, that's just my sister, Deandra. She's our slave.

Yeah. And a witch. Yeah.

- You keep your sister as your slave? - Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Aye.

[Laughs] So are we good here now? What's the deal?

Gentlemen, you have both proven to me in the very short time that I have known you...

that you are both slanderous perverts...

lacking any semblance of moral fortitude.

However, I do desire to seek further counsel with the lady.

The... lady? Uh, the... the witch?

The same girl we've just been talking about?

You don't really think she's a... a witch, do you?

Yeah. Yeah, she's a witch.

I... Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Pretty sure.

All right, look.

I wish to court her in some manner,

and I could use your help, because I'm not, admittedly,

very good with women.

Good "with" women? You mean, good at women?

Like you can't catch them when they run away from you? Bro, it's 1776.

They don't have any rights. You can just take 'em and force 'em to do whatever you want.

I do not wish to take her. I would like to win her favor, like a gentleman does a lady.

That just does not compute with me.

I don't understand what you're saying.

Diggin' the accent but don't understand you. Are you saying you're gay?

All right! Escort them out!

Oh, no. We-We-We... Okay. Are you gonna drink the beer?

No. Leave it. Out. Just drink the beer.

Maybe you'll get some balls and you can take the woman. Yeah.

All right. Well, I'm just saying.

Higher. Ready?

Yes. All right.

Shoot. One, two...

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! three.

Do not shoot that pumpkin! What are you doing?

I stole a bunch of guns. I'm testin' 'em out, Charles.

This revolution is gonna make us a fortune.

All right. Well, leave the pumpkin out of it. The pumpkin's innocent.

[Frank] Shoot the pumpkin.

Do not shoot the pumpkin, please. Okay.

Give me the gun. Fine.

And why is the witch slave shooting at you anyway?

- Maybe she used her sorcery. - Sorcery? Your dumb dick partner walked into the bar,

said he stole a bunch of guns and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head.

Of course I did, so here we are.

Damn your necromancy, woman! Oh, my God.

Maybe if we shoot you, you won't feel it anyway, witch. Yeah. Shoot her.

You know what? Okay, you guys. I tell you what. You win.

I'm a witch, okay? I'm a witch, and I curse both of you and all of your stupid guns.

[Clicks] [Screams] Charlie! Goddamn it!

Give me that gun! It didn't work! She cursed the gun!

She cursed the gun. [Clicks]

She put a curse on the gun! Let's try this one.

[Clicks] Nothin'!

Try me! [Clicks]

[Chattering]

Man, those Sons of Liberty sons of bitches, Dennis.

Those guys are gonna get us in so much trouble. Let's do this.

No, no, no, no! You hang back. What? Me? Why?

[Teeth Whistling] Because we need to get as much intel from these guys as we can...

for that Colonel Cricket. Yeah?

This fop thing's gonna totally blow our cover. What's goin' on with your mouth?

I got some wooden teeth put in. Did ya?

Yeah. All the patriots are doing it, including Washington,

which is why it makes sense, okay, if we're going undercover!

Not this fop bullshit! No. The fop thing's good, man. I got a plan with it. Yeah.

Got an angle. Fine. Okay, listen.

You let me take the lead, okay? Yeah, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You son of a bitch.

Fellas! How you doin'? A couple of flagons of ale for ya.

[Chuckling] So I just want to say we love what you're doing over here.

I mean, taxation with representation, right?

So, uh, what's the buzz, huh? What are we all talking about, huh?

[Effeminate British Accent] Surrender maybe?

W-We speak of revolution.

Revolution? Revolution?

That's great! I'm completely on top of that! [Laughs]

Hey, fellas, who's taking the minutes here?

'Cause I feel like I could be an asset to you as a secretary. Yes.

Let's start by taking down all of their names, first and last, please.

- Son of a bitch. - Gentlemen, I think this meeting is adjourned.

Huh?

[Clears Throat] Son of a bitch, dude!

What are you doing with the accent and the Briti... Goddamn it!

No, I just decided to go a different way. The spy thing wasn't really working.

Yeah? What way was that? Your wooden teeth, whistle-y tooth thing? That was bad.

I think my teeth were a smashing success. We are in dire straits here.

We need a change of plans. I think the only way we're gonna convince these people...

that we're on their side is to become a hundred percent British.

Become British? We gotta commit to the fop thing.

That actually seems pretty sensible, Dennis. Yeah. No more S's for you.

[Mouths Words]

It's just so cramped in here.

I mean, you'd think people who came here so many years before the English...

You'd think they'd build bigger houses.

- Yeah, you'd think they'd have huge homes, right? - Yeah!

What is the sleeping situation in here? You think this father and son are sleeping...

on the same bearskin together? Probably. Where else are they gonna sleep?

What a bunch of losers! Oh, I'm telling you. It's a bunch of inbred savages.

I speak English. Oh, shit! For real?

- Yes. - Oh, that's not good. We didn't mean to...

Our bad then. Hey, so tell me. How much land are you gonna give away for a pumpkin these days?

W-Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Charlie, Charlie, listen. What we need is your magical powers...

Yeah. to lift the curses from our guns.

[Imitates Gunshots] Okay? We're gonna pay ya.

Oh, yeah. We gotta pay ya. We'll give you this.

- We brought this for you. - Booze!

Booze. Right? Makes you feel good. Helps you sleep.

Brings the tribe together.

[Speaking Native Language]

Ooh! Oh! That young Indian was fast with the tomahawk.

And he really lobbed a big hunk off your head up here. Oh, yeah.

It's gonna make me look deformed. Yeah.

You're gonna be deformed for the rest of your life. Gimme that skunk pelt.

I'll use it for hair. Don't push, don't push, don't push! [Dee] All right.

Does it look cool? It looks pretty good.

- Lady Deandra. - Yes? Can I help you?

Colonel Cricket.

We met the other day?

I was the one you delivered the keg to?

You spit in my face. Oh, yep, yep. There it is. Mm-hmm.

[Chuckles] Indeed.

Forgive my rather unadorned approach, but... Mm-hmm.

From the first moment I laid my eyes on you... Mmm.

I was smitten. Mm-hmm.

Perhaps my impatience has gotten the best of me,

but if you will have me, I would be most honored...

to call you my wife.

Oh! [Coughs] A simple "no" would have sufficed.

[Laughing] Hey, hey.

Okay. All right. That one got in my mouth. That's really not cool.

You listen to me, you pale-faced English dick-hole. You got a revolution coming.

And pretty soon all of the slaves are gonna be free, and I will be owned by no man.

I am a fool... Yeah.

Having allowed myself to imagine us back in my sprawling manor in England.

You on my arm adorned in magnificent garments, dressed in the finest jewels, and...

Whoa, whoa, Cricks. Back it up a little bit. You're talking about garments and jewelry?

But alas, my love cannot mend our differences.

Oh, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait! Your love... Your love can.

Your love is... Your love is currently doing that. So you just...

You didn't mention anything about the sprawling manor and all the garments.

That was stupid. I thought you just said that you...

Yeah, I di... I did, I did. But it's... Your love, it's like... [Grunts]

It's filling me up with all kinds of stuff, and... Is it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is! Let's do this! What?

Let's get married! Yeah! [Chuckles]

Oh, Lady Deandra. Yes!

You have made me the happiest man alive! Eww!

We're gonna have to work up to that, though, 'cause you are crazy ugly.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Keep your pants on, curly. Yeah.

You want the slave? You gotta pay for the slave!

What? I'm sorry?

We're not gonna give her to you for free. Yeah.

You gotta sweeten the pot. Huh? [Blows Raspberry]

How'd you like to buy some guns? Yeah.

Guns?

- I shall buy your guns. - [Dee] Yes!

I shall buy your guns! No, no, no, no.

Not yet. Not yet. Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey.

[Spits] [Groans]

Why does he keep spitting in my mouth? [Spits]

Who is this man? [Spits]

[Squealing] [Dennis] Ah, hello to you, sirs.

And to you, ladies. These heels are almost impossible to walk in.

Get over it, dude. You gotta walk in them, okay? Now let me hear the voice.

[Teeth Whistling] No. I don't think the voice is entirely necessary. I'm not gonna do it.

Bro, if we're gonna wipe away all traces of our colonial background and blend in...

with British culture, we need to walk the walk and we need to talk the talk.

Fine. How do you do it? Your voice needs to come off as elegant as your clothing, okay?

So try this. [Clears Throat, British Accent] Would you like a spot of tea?

You: Ye-e-e-e-es!

[British Accent] Would you like a spot of tea? Ye-e-es!

Draw it out more. Draw it out more than that?

Oh, yes. Ye-e-e-e-es. More than that. Ye-e-e-e-es!

Yeah, but... That's good.

You know what? Those wooden teeth are killing me. That lisp is stupid.

I think the wooden teeth are the whole thing that's saving this thing.

You sound ridiculous. No, I don't. I think it sounds pretty good.

I'm not losing the teeth. Let's just move past that. Let's keep walking.

Okay, try it again, try it again.

Ye-e-e-e-es!

Ye-e-e-e-es! [Laughs]

Ye-e-e-e-es! [Laughs]

Ye-e-e-e-es! Good, good, good. Now flourish the pinkie.

Flourish the pinkie. Ye-e-e-e-es!

Ye-e-e-e-es! Well, what have we got here?

A pair of poofs about town.

Sodomites in frilly lace.

Oh! No, no! No! Nayeth!

Oh, nayeth, nayeth! No! Nayeth, no!

We are simply two noble British men out on a stroll. Yes, yes, yes.

Good day, sir. Good day!

Oh, goodness. Oh. [Chuckles Weakly]

- Boys, get the tar. - [Both Chuckle]

Shit.

- [Gunfire In Distance] - Deandra, come and help me count my gold.

I'm not your slave anymore, Franklin.

I'm about to go live like the goddamn queen of England and never see you two bitches again.

Charles, I told you the revolution pays.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But look at this, huh?

Guys, there is a full-fledged revolution happening outside right now!

- It is a bloodbath! We have got to do something! - Whoa! Whoa!

What? Let's back up and talk about what this is.

No, this is not important right now! Oh, I think it's very important!

There's a war happening outside.

We were acting like British nobleman. Then he couldn't drop the she-male thing.

[Gunfire Intensifies] So we got tarred and feathered for being sodomites!

Well, it is not... [Stammers] a she-male thing. [Mocking Stammer]

It's about... Goddamn it! We don't have time for this!

[Gasping] Help!

- Help me! - Are you okay? Are you dying?

No, no! Don't die yet! Don't die yet until you get me to your mansion!

No. I'm unscathed, my darling. Oh, thank God.

This is the blood of my men. Yeah.

We suffered too many casualties. All our guns jammed!

Blame that on your witch wife. Let me see that.

Permit me to hide out here till British reinforcements arrive...

and massacre the entire lot of rebels.

Then shall we escape safely together, my darling.

Oh! Okay. I'm gonna go get you some water.

Hey, Cricks? When the reinforcements get here, Dennis and I are cool, right?

We're not on your shit list. Yeah. Like we got tarred and feathered for your ass. So...

Protect me and I shall make sure that all of you are safe from the mighty sword of Bri...

- [All Gasp] - Oh, shit!

Goddamn it, Frank! You just ruined my whole life!

Wait, wait, wait. Check his pulse.

[Dee] He doesn't have a head! [Mac] Oh, my God!

If the British come in here and find this body, we are screwed! Jesus, God, he's right!

We gotta get rid of this body! How are we gonna do that? Maybe we could bury it out back.

No, there's no time. We gotta burn that body.

Burn? It's gonna call too much attention!

Let's chop it up into a million pieces! I got an idea.

Careful man. Steady.

[Grunts] It's heavy.

- [Front Man] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - [Bell Clangs]

Shit!

Bro, we just broke the Liberty Bell.

I'll get you, my pretties! [Cackling]

Pretties! [Cackling] It's totally broken!

Stop... this... story!

- Okay? - We weren't quite finished yet. We were just climaxing there.

I've finished listening.

Have you now? [Both Groan Softly]

Uh, okay. Well, that's fair. Uh, the end, I guess.

Uh, so are we an historical landmark now?

- No! - You gotta be kiddin' me.

It's such a good story. Yeah.

Maybe she didn't understand the story. Maybe we skimmed too much.

Well, let's tell the full story this time. Let's... We won't leave out any details.

A lot more details. You know what? Sit back. Get comfortable.

This is gonna take a little longer this time. Okay.

You ready? It starts the same.

Okay. The year was 1776...

[Voices Speaking Backwards]