Original subtitles

[Lighter Clicks] [Water Bubbling]

[Coughing]

[Lighter Clicks] [Inhaling Deeply]

What the shit is this?

Cheech over here bought himself a bong.

[Laughs, Coughs] Deandra, this is wacky.

Go download me a hoagie off the Internet.

[Dennis Laughing] I'm sorry?

Those words don't make any sen... sense.

Oh! God, you guys. Oh, weird. I feel weird.

Rip another one. Say something else stupid.

My arm's kinda numb. Dennis, feel my head. Am I hot?

I'm not touching you. We're enjoying ourselves over here.

I'm serious, you guys. Something's not right.

- You think there's pigeons in the bar? - [Mac] What?

- Pigeons in the bar. - I mean, really serious. I need some help.

[Frank Laughing] [Mac] Good one.

God, what is her problem? I don't know.

- [Mac] So, heart attack. - Yeah. Yikes.

That's what I was trying to say.

The E.M.T. says I'm a ticking time bomb, 'cause it was just a little one.

I didn't know women could have heart attacks. It's crazy.

What's scary about this whole thing is that I have the same genes as her.

I'm concerned for myself and Charlie as well.

We lead a very rock-and-roll lifestyle. I know.

I just had a heart attack. Can we focus on me for two minutes?

I feel like we did talk about you. Dee, your ship has sailed.

It's time to move on to us... the people who are going to live on.

Guys, we gotta make sure that this does not happen to us.

That's the important thing here. We need to focus on ourselves. [Woman] Ms. Reynolds?

Doctor, thank God. Listen, let's just do all the tests you've got.

I feel like the big one's right around the corner.

Well, actually, Miss Reynolds,

first we need to discuss how you'll be paying for your stay.

Paying? This is a hospital.

- Yeah. Since when do you pay to stay in a hospital? - Since always.

No. I believe that is what taxes are for.

You don't pay a fireman to put out a fire. Or a cop to shoot a guy.

How do you not know how this works? You've been in a hospital before.

I guess I must've slipped through the cracks.

I do always give a fake name, 'cause I like to stay off the grid.

They usually give me a bunch of antibiotics.

The sores go away, and I walk out.

Shut up! Doctor, I have health insurance.

Yeah. We're on our father's policy.

You guys! Check out this cool gown.

Whoa. Really lets your ass breathe.

- Oh, my God! - Son of a bitch! - Why are you wearing that thing?

I'm gettin' a full body scan. I've been partying real hard lately.

Whatever. She needs to see the insurance card.

I canceled that shit when you were nine.

What, you canceled our insurance policy? What?

What, am I gonna carry that burden around?

You couldn't have given us a heads-up about that a long time ago?

Okay. Let me get this straight.

Miss Reynolds, you have no health insurance.

No, I don't.

Okay.

Well, get out.

- [Both Exhale] - Wow. Harsh.

Why is the government not providing us with health insurance?

What is this, like, some kind of socialist country...

or some kind of communist dictatorship?

This is insane. This is un-American. I don't know, bro.

You don't pay for health insurance. That's crazy.

We need to find insurance ASAP. We're gonna get sick eventually.

We just find a couple of side jobs. That way, we'll have insurance.

And when disaster inevitably occurs, we'll be covered. We'll be covered.

Okay, here we go. "Position available. Major sales corporation.

Motivated individuals. Good interpersonal skills."

You don't have to say any more. That's us.

"Salary and benefits."

Yo! [Mac] Jesus.

Hey. Why are you still wearing that thing?

Did you wear that all the way here? I let my ass breathe.

You keep saying that, but I don't know what it means.

Yeah. How does an ass breathe? Explain that to me.

Just leave me alone! I can't get worked up.

My doctor told me not to get worked up.

I'm under too much stress.

Yeah. That's a lot of pills, dude.

That's the beauty of havin' insurance.

You can get the top-quality antianxiety drugs.

Wow. You got a lot of 'em, huh?

Mmm. What are you doin'?

I'm takin' them because I can't sift through the duds.

I gotta take 'em all. I gotta get healthy really fast.

You're takin' them all at once? Yeah.

I don't think that's a good idea. It seems a bit aggressive.

I know what I'm doin'!

♪♪ [Background: Techno] [Dennis] This is great, Dee. This is perfect.

Getting in shape is, like, the best health insurance you can get.

You take care of your body, you don't need a doctor. I want that.

That's exactly right. You look good, you feel good.

It's all connected. You're talking about the mind-body-abs connection.

I would personally like to get some side abs goin'.

You wanna get some side abs? That's a good idea.

You know what I'm concerned about? I don't wanna get too bulky.

I wanna stay nice and lean and tight.

I wanna get that "Jesus on the cross" look. I see what you're saying.

I think that crucifixion must've been really good for your core.

Absolutely. Jesus had, like, the best abs. He had the right idea.

He knew. No pain, no gain.

He had good messages. I'm sure he started that.

Let's do some cardio since we're here.

Here we are. Let's get our blood pumpin'.

Let's hop on these treadmills and, uh, let's do this thing.

Let's do it. All right.

I-I... I don't know if I'm ready. I'm not feeling ready.

I'll tell you why. I feel a little low-energy. That's what it is.

We need to fuel up. I see people utilizing a lot of shakes and powders around here.

We should probably look into that.

You know what else we should do... get some new outfits.

Let's get some new outfits. That's a great idea.

You decided to rock jeans. I'm confused by that.

Yeah. I chose jeans. I'm not seeing a lot of other jeans.

I've never seen jeans in a gym.

Okay, look. That's fine. This is what we'll do. We'll dial it back.

We'll get fueled up. We'll get some sick new outfits.

And then we'll come back and work out. Boom. Let's go.

[Paper Rustles] [Man] "Official résumé of Mac and Charlie."

So both of you are... Well, gentlemen,

I've never seen two people share a résumé before.

Well, we thought we'd save paper, you know, go green.

Uh, "Work experience. Paddy's Pub management...

and duties that include ordering supplies and taking care of business."

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. T.C.O.B.

"Business coordinator. For several year"... I don't know who this is.

Coordinator. Okay. "For several years, I've been in complete charge...

of pretty much everything in my life."

I don't miss a beat. That would actually be him.

Not... Pretty much everything.

There are certain things that you just can't have control of, sir.

But I think you'll find that what we lack in formal education,

we more than make up for in street smarts. Mm-hmm.

Okay? So we can wheel. We can deal. We can oversee hostile takeovers.

Whatever you need, bud. You name it.

It's a mail-room gig. And there's only one spot available.

Mmm. Ooh.

Kind of a package deal. We sort of work as a team.

- What if we split the pay right down the middle? - You'd be willing to do that?

Oh, yeah. This has nothin' to do with money.

This is sort of a health insurance situation for us.

So, frankly, you don't even really have to pay us at all.

[Chuckling] Well, legally, I have to pay you something.

But, uh, minimum wage maybe...

Minimum wage. Are you kiddin' me?

That's great. That's a government salary right there.

Well, you drive a hard bargain. The job is both of yours.

Congratulations. Congratulations to you.

Bro. Yeah. Minimum wage.

Minimum wage. All right.

♪♪ [Background: Loud Techno]

Fat burner? I'm already on a nitric oxide energy stack.

But, yeah, sure, I'll take some fat burner. Why not?

All right, everybody.

Before we begin today,

are there any physical ailments that I should know about first?

- Yeah. I just had a heart attack. - Excuse me?

I just had a heart attack. Maybe you should turn this techno music down.

Yeah. I gotta be honest, buddy. I'm not really feelin' these tunes.

♪♪ [Stops] Boom. There we go. Ah.

What are you doin'? I'm riflin' through your music.

And it's pretty terrible. You know what? Put it down.

[Dee] Does he have any '80s? Doesn't appear to.

It seems like he's got a bunch of goddamn dance mixes.

Whoa. Hang on. It's all good. I got a Steve Winwood CD in my car. I'll go grab that.

Listen, don't-don't do that. Please don't do that.

What's wrong with Steve Winwood? Yeah, man.

- "Higher Love"? It's a classic. - I pick the music in this class, okay?

Oh. Oh. No, no, no. I apologize.

I had no idea that this was all about you.

I don't think you should even be here if you just had a heart attack.

Well, maybe you shouldn't dress like a bumblebee, bitch.

[Laughing] Oh! You just got dogged, bro.

You just got dogged.

Guys, please, leave my class.

[Laughing] Spin class. Come on. Bunch of hamsters on a wheel.

I'm gonna ride a bike hard, I'm gonna ride a bike fast,

and, oh, yeah, I'm not gonna go anywhere.

Then when I walk out, I'm gonna put a bunch of metal onto a metal bar...

and lift that metal over and over like a metal jerk.

I gotta be honest. I feel these supplements are doing a great job on their own.

Know what I mean? I got tons of energy.

My heart rate's up. Things are going great. Absolutely.

I feel good too. Look how vascular I am. Look how my veins are poppin'.

Holy shit. I look good, and I feel good.

I feel good, too, apart from the recent bouts of explosive diarrhea.

Oh. You been havin' diarrhea? Oh, God. All over the place.

You know what that is? That's probably your body flushing out all the toxins.

You think so? I do think so.

I, on the other hand, have not taken a shit in days.

Days? That doesn't sound good. No, it's good.

My body's working at 100% efficiency.

My body is absorbing every single nutrient, and it's not wasting a single thing.

Your body's taking its job very seriously.

My body is doing its job like it's never done before.

We're gonna start climbing just a little more.

Thirty percent more resistance.

Why don't we up the supplements, which we know work,

and eliminate working out, which we know blows?

That sounds like a good plan. I'm gonna take it one step further...

and propose that we start working on a muscle...

that we've been neglecting this entire time.

It's the most important muscle in the entire body.

Which muscle? The face.

♪♪ ["Higher Love" Plays]

That's a gift for you, bumblebee.

Come on. Enjoy it, Coach Dickenballs.

♪ Bring me a higher love Oh, oh ♪

♪ Bring me a higher love ♪♪

♪♪ [Fades Out]

Mr. Taylor... whose grandpa was a sailor.

There you go, Mr. Scott... Who drinks his coffee hot.

There it is, Mr. White... whose wife is not too bright.

There you go.

Dude, I'm trying to network by the water cooler.

And I'm doing both of our jobs here. Wanna help out, okay?

The mail doesn't stop down there, Mac. I need help.

This is Felix's pile. He receives for Eric. He receives for Janet.

Don't ever look Janet in the eyes, because she's a horrible devil woman.

I feel like you are taking this shit way too seriously.

Will you just help me out? This is Johnson's mail.

Now Johnson's gone AWOL for the week with the wife and kids down in Orlando.

I want you to keep a pile in a neat stack somewhere that's all Johnson's mail.

Whoa, whoa. Wait a second.

This guy's in Orlando for the week? Yeah, man.

Help me out here. Hold on a second, bro. This is a perfect opportunity.

I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the new guy.

Uh, I don't think that's gonna work, dude.

Uh, have you seen The Secret of My Success?

Uh, they're gonna catch on to you.

Uh, but before they do, I will come up with an idea that will save the company millions...

and they'll be forced to promote me.

Uh, are you sure? How's that movie end, dude?

Uh, I can't remember. Actually...

Oh, yeah. He bangs that old lady,

and they play that song from the '80s... "Day, Bow-Bow."

What the hell is "Day, Bow-Bow"?

♪ Day, bow-bow Chick, chicka-chicka ♪

Oh! ♪ Day, bow-bow ♪

[Together] ♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Day, bow-bow ♪

♪♪ [Beatboxing]

♪ Day, bow-bow ♪

♪ Beautiful ♪ ♪ Chick, chicka-chicka ♪

♪ Day, bow-bow ♪

No, Mac, seriously... ♪ Hello ♪

♪ Beautiful ♪♪

At least give him his mail.

[Murmuring]

Hoh!

[Thinking] Meds are kickin' in.

[Voice Slows, Distorts] Meds are kickin' in.

Whoa.

Jesus Christ, dude. What's goin' on in here?

I'm really behind the eight ball, Mac. The mail doesn't stop.

You're smoking now? Yeah, I'm smoking now.

You kidding me? My nerves are like... [Jabbering]

I'm trying to smoke. I'm trying to calm myself down.

Hey, we got insurance, so what the hell? Have a smoke.

Maybe you're right. I need to calm my nerves a bit.

It's a shark tank up there. Oh, yeah, is it? I bet.

Have some coffee too. That'll calm you down. Yeah?

What's your system here, bro? It's pretty complicated.

The mail goes into three sections,

according to how important I think the thing looks. [Mail Dropping]

The least important stuff, I'm gonna burn that.

If it's important, they're gonna send it again.

The middle important stuff, I put that back in the mail addressed to me.

I buy myself a couple more days.

The most important stuff, that gets delivered.

Although, you know something? I actually burn that, too, most of the time.

Okay, well, it looks like you've got this under control.

I'm gonna get back to my office. All right, man.

I'm just... Okay, sorry, buddy. The mail don't stop!

I'm gonna get back to my office, and then... I'll see you later.

All right, man. Okay, bud.

You're not gonna stop, are you?

Come on, Mac. Hit me. Come on. Hit me again.

[Door Opens] Look.

[Frank Murmurs] I found him wandering the streets.

No I.D., no nothing.

Figured we'd turn him over to you until someone claimed him.

Poor thing. Careful.

I think he crapped himself.

Oh, my. This way.

Right through here.

Hit me. Hit me again.

Hit me.

♪♪ ["Oh, Yeah" Playing]

[Man, Deep Voice] ♪ Oh, yeah ♪

[Ringing]

♪ Oh, yeah ♪ All right.

♪♪ [Continues] Hello.

[Man] Uh, hello? Hi.

Uh, who is this? This is Mac. I'm the new guy.

What are you doing in my office?

Huh? Who are you, and why are you in my office?

Who is this? This is Johnson.

Oh.

I-I... I thought you were in Orlando.

I am in Orlando. I'm trying to check my voice mail.

Oh. I could check it for you.

No, don't! Just... What is your name, sir?

Uh...

Why don't you just give me your name?

Your full name, sir.

♪ Chick, chicka-chicka ♪♪

This is gonna be great, Sis. We already got the mind, body and soul goin'.

Now all we need is to get our faces nice and tight,

and we'll be healthy as all hell. I know.

Uh, now, you're clear on these instructions, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, you know what you're doing?

They're in Spanish. Yeah, but, you know, if you know Latin,

you know, like, three languages, so...

- Far as I know, you don't speak Latin. - I don't speak Latin.

But there's pictures, so I think we're good. You're good with the pictures.

Can we get goin' with this?

Those supplements are givin' me the squirts like you would not believe.

I would kill for your bowel movements. I am so blocked up.

Gonna do your eyes first. Hold really still. Easy, easy, easy.

Seriously, do not move. Careful. Careful.

It's in? It's out.

It's out, and it's in. I did it.

Pretty good, right? Painless.

Let's just let that settle for a minute,

and I'll think about what I would like to do.

Number one, I'd like to get rid of these crow's-feet I have been noticing coming in,

which I do not appreciate.

And hear me out on this one. It's a little weird.

I'm thinking about doing something to my earlobes.

I've never really liked my earlobes. Oh! Jesus!

What?

How's that eye feel? Well, feels a little weird.

I'm having a little trouble seeing out of it. That's normal, right?

I don't think so. It's not? Really?

Now that you mention it, I do feel a fair amount of pain coming on.

God, it stings. Uh-huh? Um, uh...

Shit, Dennis. I think maybe I switched these up.

You switched 'em up? I don't know.

What the hell? Maybe I put some collagen in your eye.

You injected Mexican collagen in my eye? I'm sorry!

I can't handle this stress you're giving me right now.

My heart is very weak. It's a lot of pressure.

I think I'm going blind in one eye.

Hold on a second. I feel very weird. I'm going blind.

I-I... I feel like my heart might explode. [Gasps]

Are you feeling better today?

I like to hear that.

Now take your medication.

Good.

That's good.

Hello, Chief.

They're onto me, dude. Those guys are sharp as nails up there.

You can't put anything past them.

Oh, my God. I am freakin' out.

I am so stressed out. I feel like I'm having a panic attack.

You wanna talk about stress? Okay? I've stumbled onto a major company conspiracy.

How about that for stress? What the hell are you talking about?

This company is being bled like a stuck pig, Mac.

I've got a paper trail to prove it. Check this out.

Take a look at this.

Jesus Christ, Charlie. That right there is the mail.

Let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail, please?

I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day.

Pepe Silvia... this name keeps coming up over and over.

Every day, Pepe's mail's getting sent back to me.

Pepe Silvia, Pepe Silvia. I look in the mail... This whole box is Pepe Silvia!

So I say to myself, "I gotta find this guy.

I gotta go up to his office. I gotta put his mail in the guy's goddamn hands!

Otherwise, he's never gonna get it. It's gonna keep coming back down here."

So I go up to Pepe's office, and what do I find out? What do I find out?

- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ - There is no Pepe Silvia.

The man does not exist. So I decide, oh, shit, I gotta dig a little deeper.

There's no Pepe Silvia? You gotta me kidding me! I got boxes full of Pepe!

All right, so I start marching my way down to Carol in H.R.

And I knock on her door, and I say, "Carol!

Carol, I gotta talk to you about Pepe."

And when I open the door, what do I find?

There's not a single goddamn desk in that office.

There is no Carol in H.R.

Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up.

This office is a goddamn ghost town.

♪ Chick, chicka-chicka ♪

Charlie, I'm gonna have to stop you right there.

Not only do all of these people exist,

but they have been asking for their mail on a daily basis.

It's all they're talking about up there.

Jesus Christ, dude. We are gonna lose our jobs.

Calm down, 'cause here's one thing that's not gonna happen.

What? We're not gonna get fired.

We're not? 'Cause we've already been fired.

- We've lost our jobs? - Yeah.

About three days ago, a couple pink slips came in the mail... one for you, one for me.

What did I do? I mailed them halfway to Siberia.

Charlie, if we've lost our jobs, that means we've lost our health insurance.

Which means all of this was for nothing.

Goddamn it, dude. I am having a panic attack. I'm actually having a panic attack.

Will you settle down and have another cup of coffee?

I am, bro.

Fine. You know what, Barney, give this guy a cigarette. He's freakin' out.

- Huh? Who? - Barney.

He's the guy who tipped me off to Pepe Silvia.

Barney? Who the hell is Barney?

You don't see... Oh, shit. Where the hell did he...

♪ Oh, oh-oh ♪ You've lost your mind.

You've lost your goddamn mind, Charlie.

♪ Chick, chicka-chicka ♪♪

Jesus Christ! Will you forget the mail? All right?

Forget the mail? The mail's the most important thing in the world.

You're gonna give me another panic attack. Do you have a cigarette?

I hear Barney. Where's Barney?

Oh! How long is the wait at this place?

We have been here for hours and hours.

Goddamn Frank. Where the hell is he?

[Gasps] Holy shit.

Where the hell am I?

[Straining]

[Grunts]

Hey. Tonto.

Come here.

Come on, bub. Let's go.

Get up. You gotta help me out here.

Pick this up and throw it through this window.

Pick. Throw.

- [Metal Snaps] - [Water Pouring]

Whoa. That's it.

Yeah! Yeah! That's it.

One, two and three!

[Grunts] Beautiful!

Come on. Let's get the hell outta here.

Come on. You go...

[Grunts]

Why aren't you goin'?

[Voices Speaking Backwards]