Original subtitles

[Dee] What were you even doing in that crawl space, Charlie?

[Charlie] Well, for starters, I was minding my own business.

I was also trying to do a little light reading.

Then I was putting some cheese in the rat traps.

You were putting the cheese in the rat traps? Yes!

Can I smell your mouth? Why?

You were eating the cheese, weren't you, out of the rat traps?

No... Well, yes. I was eating the old cheese to test it,

see why the rats weren't eating it.

Why are you always doing such weird things? I do weird things?

Name another thing that you think is weird!

Well, I caught you stealing a bunch of coins out of the fountain at Logan Circle.

I was acquiring a little bit of cash to pay my spy, Dee. Why do you have a spy?

To spy on the waitress! Of course I have a spy! Is that normal to you?

Shut up and give me my book back please! No!

Hey, guys. What book you keep going on about?

- It's nothing. You don't need to see it. - Oh, my God.

Whoa. These are my... These are my memoirs. Charlie, you found my book.

I wrote a memoirs. Hey, guys! Charlie found my memoirs!

- Your memoirs? - I've been keeping track of all my sexual exploits,

and I was gonna unleash them on the world in a fiery blaze of eroticism.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down a second, Dennis. [Chuckles] You wrote a book?

Well, it's more of a tale of redemption told through my erotic travels.

- Giddyap, man. That's amazing! - That's good stuff, right? Yeah.

But then one day the book just sort of went mysteriously missing.

- Charlie, what the hell were you doing with it? - Well, since he can't read,

I'm guessing he was masturbating to your pictures.

God damn! Jackin' off to my... God, no!

That is not at all... What are you doing to me?

Why are you doing this? You've been riding me.

Now you're accusing me of things. You just don't get it.

You don't know why I do the things that I do. It's nuts.

You don't know how hard I got it. Got it pretty tough?

Your life is pretty hard? I tell you what. How'd you like to walk a mile in my shoes?

Try your old buddy Charlie on for size.

You want me to walk a mile in your shoes, 'cause I can't handle your big, tough life?

- I will. That sounds fine to me. I will do that. - Oh, my God! Shut up!

Dennis, what's the name of this book? Ah.

"Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life."

"I removed my robe and stood before her,

"taut, nubile, proud.

"She was much, much older than me,

"but her breasts were awesome.

I felt reborn, baptized in erotic majesty."

- Ooh! - [Laugh] Yeah!

This is some sweet smut! Yeah!

I'm all boned-up over here. Me too.

Dennis, we should try and sell this book. Personal memoirs are huge right now.

Yeah, yeah, no. I'm gonna sell the book, but I'm not gonna let you guys be involved.

Because every time you're involved you get all excited about something,

and then you give up the minute we hit the first speed bump.

You need us, Dennis. You're gonna need some legal help.

Legal help? What the hell are you talking about, man?

Bro, half the stories you just read us are total bullshit.

They're not bullshit. What are you saying?

Dennis, you were never the personal sexual adviser to Jon Bon Jovi.

And you never woke up in a rehab facility with the wounds of Christ...

miraculously appearing on your hands and feet.

Yeah, man, but I banged that girl in the fountain.

That story was true... the hot dogs, the oatmeal, everything.

Dude, you don't want to end up like that Million Little Pieces guy. All right?

Oprah made him look like a total dick. Oh, that guy was a turd.

I mean, come on. Just take some of those stories out.

No, see, Frank, he can't take those stories out. That's the rub. That's why he needs us.

Because the public loves those crazy celebrity stories and rehab shit.

Okay, so what are you thinking? I'm thinking we take some of the really good stories...

You know, the Jon Bon Jovi, the Christ-wound stigmatas... and we re-create them.

We make them true so that people can't prove that they didn't happen.

Oh, my God. Re-create some of the better stories in here and then we have proof.

Yes! Holy shit, man. That's a good idea.

Now, first things first. We gotta figure out how to get you in a rehab.

Charlie, do I really have to sleep here?

If you're gonna walk a mile in my shoes,

this is a pretty big part of that mile, don't you think?

Now here. Put these on. No. I don't want to wear one of your dirty sleeping outfits.

I'm sorry, but my "outfits," as you like to call them, serve a very specific purpose.

This isn't just for fun. I don't have any heating ducts in this apartment.

It gets freezing in here at night, all right?

Now, in case you have to pee-pee, I got this for you, all right?

Oh, my God! Goddamn it! Frank was supposed to empty that!

Charlie, no wonder it reeks in here! You have open cans of pee everywhere!

Well, I'm sorry. But you do not want to use that bathroom! Okay, now eat one of these, all right?

You're gonna wanna huff a little glue and drink some beer.

This is cat food, Charlie. Well, Dee, I can't explain it!

There's some sort of weird chemical reaction that happens...

when you combine cat food, beer and glue.

It makes you feel extremely sick and tired, and you're able to fall asleep.

Why would I want to make myself extremely sick and tired?

'Cause there's gonna be about 50 cats howling outside that window all night long,

and you have no idea how loud 50 cats can be.

Maybe there wouldn't be cats surrounding your building...

if you didn't have open cans of cat food everywhere!

I have 50 cats howling outside my window,

because I have 10,000 rats running around my building!

Okay? I'm not an idiot! Stop yelling. You're spitting cat food on me.

There's a reason to do the things that I... Oh. [Stomach Rumbling]

I don't feel good. [Cat Meows]

And it's starting right on time. If I were you, I'd start wolfin' that shit down.

I gotta go to sleep.

Oh, I'm not feeling good at all.

[Grunting]

[Cats Meowing]

[Stomachs Gurgling]

[Loud Meowing]

[Exhales Forcefully]

[Man, Woman Arguing, Indistinct]

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

[Man] ♪ You cast a spell on me I was blind but now I see ♪

♪♪ [Fades]

[Grunting]

[Women Arguing, Indistinct]

Come play with us forever and ever and ever...

and ever. [Screams]

[Urinating] Ocupado.

[Gasps]

Mmm. All gone. All gone. [Gags]

Wake up! Let's go! Time to start the day. What?

Time to get up! Charlie! Oh, God! Oh, God!

There's evil twins in the hallway and a twitching junkie...

What? How much of that glue did you huff?

- I don't know. As much as you did. - As much as me?

Really? [Chuckles] Well, that's probably way too much glue for you, Dee.

Hey, check it out. You just had yourself a glue O.D.

Those are pretty regular in my life. So you learned another lesson. Okay.

Don't do too much glue or your night sucks. Whoa, whoa. Hold on a second.

You're saying that your life is so terrible because you eat rat cheese and cat food...

and huff glue all day long? Uh, yeah!

Those aren't real problems, Charlie.

What do you mean, they're not real problems? You make those problems up!

You choose to do that stuff! Those are solutions to problems!

Oh, my God. You know what? Hold on a second.

We're gonna turn the tables here. You're gonna walk a mile in my shoes now,

and you're gonna see what it's like to live in the real world and have actual problems!

Okay. You got some glue on your face though.

You might want to wash that off. Oh, goddamn it.

Okay, plan is simple. You're gonna hang out at the rehab facility for a couple of days...

while we get the ball rolling with Bon Jovi. Uh, yeah.

I gotta say I'm a little skeptical about you guys...

being able to get in touch with Jon Bon Jovi.

What? What do you mean? He's from New Jersey. [Fingers Snap]

Piece of cake. Have a little faith in us please.

Plus, it's easy. We just get you into a room with him, snap a couple of photos, we got proof.

Bing, bang, boom. We're done. Now, let's talk stigmatas. That's it, huh?

Mmm. Uh, right. Do we have to do the stigmatas?

You know this publisher is gonna have a fact checker, right? Yeah.

You don't want to end up like the Million Little Pieces guy, do you?

I brought a nail gun. Oh, is that what that is?

Yeah. No, no. Look, you're not gonna shoot nails in me.

No. I think a couple of severe burns from the cigar is what's gonna do the trick.

What? No, you need deep wounds.

No, wait. This'll give you deep wounds.

Hold on a second! No! I can get these pretty deep.

Nobody's gonna burn me or shoot me full of nails! Dennis, calm down!

You focus on your art, okay?

Frank and I will handle all the business end of things. Hang on a second.

If you guys really want to do the stigmata...

Okay. Good work, Frank.

I think we should just probably leave the body right here.

Yeah, we can leave him here. In the morning they'll come out and find him.

All right, give me his hands. Yo.

[Man] I don't go to a therapist. I just go to bars.

If you walk up to the nearest drunk guy and bump him from behind,

he always turns around and goes, "Hey, man. What's your problem?"

[Continues, Indistinct] [Chuckles] This guy is great.

Do you come here every night? Every night, huh? This is great.

Hey, do they have food too? 'Cause I could go for some food. No, no. No food.

I don't eat while I'm here. When do you eat?

I don't. Why don't you eat dinner, Dee? You gotta eat dinner sometime.

Because when you perform your nerves make you dry heave,

and you better hope you don't have any food in your stomach. You're gonna perform?

All right. Now, this next lady y'all know, because she's here almost every night.

Let's hope she's got some new jokes this time.

Everybody put your hands together for Deandra Reynolds!

[Applause Smattering]

Howdy, howdy, howdy. How's everybody doing tonight? [Chuckles Weakly]

So, you guys, what's the deal with those hands-free headsets...

that everybody's wearing in their ears, right? [Gags]

It's like, "Hey, everybody, look at me! I'm one part robot and three parts asshole!"

[Gagging] [Man] Jesus Christ!

[Exhales Heavily] I mean, am I right, or am I... [Gags, Coughs] Screw it!

[Applause Smattering]

Wow. Well, at least it was short and dry this time.

[Laughing] Dee, what are you doing to yourself? That is terrible.

Why would you do that? You just gotta put in your dues, you know?

You gotta take it one step at a time when you want to be an actor. Just climb to the top.

What? This is about being an actor? Why in God's name are you still trying to be an actor?

Okay, we all have our hopes and dreams. You're still trying to get with the waitress.

I'm still trying to act. We just do whatever we need to do.

Oh, is it funny? You better get ready, guy, 'cause you're next. Huh?

Let's hear it for a newcomer here tonight, Mr. Charlie Kelly!

So, you guys, you ever eat cheese? Cheese is a funny thing.

Cheese is a strange thing. I always wonder, like, what is cheese?

Where does it... [Gagging]

We gotta figure out how to get you into rehab.

Let's talk stigmatas.

You need deep wounds. No, no, wait.

[Mac] Rehab... Rehab...

Yo, punk.

Wake up, punk.

Yo, punk! Ow!

Yeah, you in hell, all right! What?

You know what? My name is Sinbad! This Sinbad's house!

When you're in Sinbad house, you're my bitch! Listen...

[Sniffs] Yeah, you know who that is?

Huh? That's Rob Thomas. Matchbox 20! Sing a song.

Uh... Shut up!

Matchbox 20? Eww!

You the man, huh? You gonna punk him like that? No, no!

Stay back, man. No! Matter of fact, unleash the fury. Get his shoe! What?

Beat his testicles! Beat his testicles! No, no, no! Don't beat!

Don't, don't, don't, don't! Come on. Rob Thomas and Si... Sinbad.

Uh, look, man. I'm pretty confused about what I'm seeing here.

And I'm in a lot of pain. Just tell me what's going on.

It's the pain, huh? My bad. I didn't know you was hurting like that.

My bad. 'Cause I've hurt before. You've hurt before. We all hurt.

So I'm gonna just break it down now. Introduce myself right. That was wrong.

I'm Sinbad. There's my head shot. Autograph for you a little later on.

And this is Sinbad's house. [Shouting] And you're my bitch!

I'm gonna show you how... [Door Opens]

- Everything okay in here? - Hey, what's up, Jerome? Man, he keep throwin' his shoe.

- He crazy. - Let's go. Everybody should be in bed with the lights off.

We're tryin' to go to sleep. He keep throwin' shoes at us.

You're about to get me jacked up, man! Is that what you're tryin' to do?

Shut up! Man, I'll poke your eye out!

See this? This one on you, and this one on Rob Thomas.

I own both y'all!

Watch your ass, new meat.

All righty then. See you soon. Bye-bye. [Chuckling]

- Hey, dude. - I just made a date with that girlie rock star's people.

- Bon Jovi? Oh! - Yeah. He owns the Philadelphia Soul...

The arena football team.

- I just offered to buy it. - Awesome!

All right, I'm gonna pretend that I have terminal cancer...

and get him to do an acoustic set on my deathbed.

Wait. Why would you do that? You don't have to do that.

No, it's great, bro. Rock stars do the cancer-kid thing all the time. Look, Frank!

No! You got us into a room with Jovi's people, right?

I'm gonna get us into a room with Jovi himself! I'm sorry! That's a stupid idea.

I don't want you to do it. I already got a bald-cap guy and everything.

You're just confusing everything!

There's nothing confusing about it, Frank! It's very, very simple!

Shut up! Shut your big mouth right now!

I will put my foot down right now! You are not going in there with that cancer thing!

I don't care what you say! So get it out of your head!

Okay. Jesus, dude. I won't do the cancer thing.

Relax.

So, Mr. Reynolds, you're interested in buying our arena football team.

Big time! But I want to do business with Mr. Von Joni himself.

Bon Jovi? Yeah! Mr. Bovine Joni himself.

I'm offering $40 million for the team.

Wow. Well, that is a very generous offer.

But I must admit I'm a little bit confused about one thing.

What's confusing about 40 million? That's a shitload of money.

It is. It is. I'm a little confused as to why you've chosen to involve this gentleman here.

Uh... [Sighs] Well, if I may, I'd like to explain to you why I'm here.

Uh, ma'am, I am dying of very terminal cancer,

and I would like to request a private bedside concert from Mr. Bon Jovi.

Ahh. Now, Sambora's presence is not necessary.

But it would be nice if he was involved. Question: Is this a laser pointer?

Yes. Can I have it?

No. I'm gonna take it anyway.

Please don't listen to anything he says. No, no. No, Frank.

I'll give you $60 million for the team. Frank, you... I got it.

We're talking about cancer. We're negotiating!

You're not negotiating shit. We're onto the cancer thing now.

That is the way that it's gonna go from here.

Okay. I'm just gonna throw this out there. I don't think you have cancer.

What? What are you talking about? No, that's chemo. That's chemotherapy right there.

And for the record, when you go through chemo, your beard hair falls out too.

Are you sure? I asked a lot of people!

I asked my bald-cap guy! I told you not to do the cancer thing!

But it was working until you got in with the bullshit numbers! Goddamn it!

You know, I'm not even really bald. I have a full head of hair. Not like him.

Not only do I consider it magnificent, I have a sneaking suspicion it's pretty good.

[Slurping] Hey!

On his eyes. Shine it on his dick. Shine it on his dick!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - [Laughing]

Look at his dick! ♪♪ [Cell Phone Ring Tone: Country]

Oh, that's me. That's my phone. My phone is ringing. Sorry, that's me.

Hey, dude. Where you been?

I'm in rehab, dude! Oh, yeah.

Hey, that whole Jovi thing went south,

so I think we're just gonna scrap the whole book ordeal. [Slurping]

- What are you talking about? - [Beeping]

I got another call, buddy. No, no! No, don't...

Hello? [Man] Bill, what's happening?

Who are you looking for? Bill. Who's this?

Oh, this is Mac. You got the wrong number. Oh, my bad.

Yeah. No problem. What number were you trying to call?

- Shh! - ♪♪ [Cell Phone Ring Tone: Disco]

- Hello? - Frank, you gotta get me outta here, man!

Where are you? I'm in rehab, goddamn it!

Well, I'm in a movie, and this broad's about to get naked.

So I gotta go. No, no, no! Yeah. No, that's okay.

Yeah, I thought it was some chick. Who are you talking to?

I'm talking to Bill. And anyway, so...

No, I'm not Bill. I'm Terry. Bill?

I'm sorry. No, it's Terry. Sorry about that, Terry. Anyway, these cat people hated me...

Terry? What number did he want? 'cause I kept calling them over and over.

Will you please shut up! [Terry] Who's that?

I got some dick in a movie theater giving me shit. Why you turn around like that?

Yeah. Nice talking to you. All right. Call me back.

I'll talk to you afterwards. Bye. [Muttering]

Give me the laser pointer. What a jerk.

I know. Watch this. I'm gonna do it on the back of his head. [Chuckling]

Bro, you wore the battery down. Oh.

Well, how am I supposed to use it now? 'Cause you... Jerk!

I'm a jerk? Yeah. You're a jerk.

You're walking around with that bald cap on all day, and I'm a jerk.

It was expensive. I'm sorry. I want to get my money's worth. You're talking to a guy...

Will you please be quiet? Who talks like this in the middle of a movie theater?

Hey. Hey, you don't know how hard I got it, pal.

You don't know how tough it is bein' me. What?

It's not that tough to be you, Frank. What is so difficult about your life?

Yeah, try walkin' a mile in my shoes once in a while and then talk to me.

[Man In Film] Would you allow me to show you my...

[Thinking] Our eyes locked, our hands touched,

and she whispered in my ear,

"Dude, your balls totally rule." [Door Opens]

[Sinbad] What the hell you think you doing, man?

I heard about this shit! It's gonna stop! Take his book, Rob!

Whoa, whoa, wait! [Yelping]

Come on. I was just in the middle of some really erotic stuff.

Yeah, I heard about that shit. You trying to write memoirs and erotic shit.

Know what? You don't write it, bitch! I'll write it!

What is your problem, Sinbad? Think you Jesus? You think you Jesus?

Ain't no Jesus here 'cept me! I'm Jesus!

What the hell, man? You stole my thing!

No, no. My thing is bigger. Rule of the land. Big is my thing now.

Took it. Bam! Mine! Fine. But what does Rob Thomas have to do with any of this?

You know Rob... You know what he's got to do with it?

He do whatever I tell him do, because he's my bitch, bitch!

Let's get out of here. We're gonna read some smut. Come on, man.

Shut up. Give it to him. Give it... No, I'm playing! [Laughs]

[Door Closes] I gotta get outta here.

This is my day, and this is where I come at the end of the day...

before I head off to Paddy's.

Why do you come to the fountain? The fountain's my thing.

Well, I'll tell you why I come to the fountain.

I come here every single day to throw money into this thing to wish for a better life.

Money that you apparently steal for spies!

Okay, so essentially, Charlie, you're stealing my dreams!

- If you don't mind, I'm gonna get those dreams back now. - No, those are my spy coins.

That's my money anyway! You can't have that! How is that your money?

It's itchy. This is what I gotta go through to get laid. Frank, shut up!

You're just pissed off, 'cause I pull it off better than you.

You don't pull it off better than anything.

You better not lose your hair, 'cause you're an ugly bald man. Not as ugly as you, bitch.

Ah! What are we doing here?

This is the time of day when I come to the fountain. Why?

When I was a kid I used to swim in this fountain.

A bunch of bullies kicked me out.

So I wait until this time of day and come back and piss in the fountain.

I've been pissin' in the fountain for 50 years.

Well, why are you still pissing in it? To get back at their kids!

- Greedy, greedy! Greedy Dee! - You can't have a good life without your dreams!

Is that Dee and Charlie? Hey, guys, what are you doing? What the hell?

These are my dreams! They mean something to me! It's anyone's coins!

Yo, Charlie and Dee! Yo, Charlie and Dee! [Shouting, Arguing]

Deandra! What are you doing? Dee!

I'm taking my dreams back! What are you guys doing?

Frank's gonna piss in the fountain. I do it every day.

Hey, I like your haircut, man. What's going on up here?

You can't tell. Charlie, it's a bald cap.

It's not even real! You can't tell, huh? Oh, my God!

[Charlie] That's awesome! [Dee] No, you can you can tell.

- [Charlie] You say you were gonna piss in the fountain? - You're in it.

Hey, Dennis! What's up, buddy? Come here!

What you doing? Hey, guys.

Huh? I use this fountain for its healing powers.

Plus, it does wonders for my skin. [Gibberish] But that's not important right now!

- You're not gonna believe this. Sinbad was trying to kill me! - What?

Yeah, Sinbad the comedian. He was in the rehab center. He was trying to kill me.

And then Rob Thomas, the lead singer of Matchbox 20? He was in there too.

- Is any of that making sense? - No.

Uh, time-time out, time out, time out. Did you or did you not meet Sinbad?

Yeah. I met Sinbad. But... Can you prove that stuff?

Oh, yeah. This happened just moments ago!

Boom! Memoir's back on. Me!

Rob Thomas is a douche bag, but the public eats that shit up! Yeah!

The memoirs thing is done! We gotta go back to that rehab.

No, no! We can't go back there! That's too dangerous!

No, we have to prove it. We gotta take photos. We have to sign documents.

- Dude, I'm a huge Sinbad fan! - Sinbad is not the man that you think he is, Charlie!

We'll take care of you. We'll watch your back. I am not going back!

I'd like to meet him. I hope he's wearing something made out of windbreaker.

Okay, guys. This is it. [Mac] What the hell is this?

It's the rehab center. That's not the rehab center. That's the rehab center.

Well, this is where they brought me after you guys dropped me off.

Everybody, you gotta stay close to me, okay? You have to protect me,

because like most comedians Sinbad is very angry on the inside.

Come on. Come on! Do you think he'll, like, autograph my shirt? Or, like...

He will autograph your face until it is bloody to a pulp. Now come on!

So, like... like what is this place, dude? [Door Closes]

Hey! Oh, hell, no!

We told you not to come back here, freak!

Wh-Where's Sinbad?

Oh, you call me Sinbad one more time, I'm gonna knock you out.

- What the hell is going on here? - This dude broke in here,

and has been running around ranting and raving about memoirs and Sinbad!

So... So you lied to us, Dennis?

No, I didn't lie. No, I swear to God. This was all real.

- Sinbad was here, I swear! - That's it. I'm calling the cops.

You thought that dude was Sinbad. This guy?

Maybe that blow to the head did a little more damage than we thought.

That's not Sinbad, dude! I know that's not Sinbad!

Is this some sort of sick fantasy? No, it's not a fantasy!

I didn't make it up! Sinbad was here! I swear! Well, guess what, guy?

The memoir is dead again! I can't believe you didn't meet Sinbad!

Do you even realize how excited I was to meet Sinbad!

Sinbad's a hilarious comedian. Goddamn it. Son of a bitch.

That guy is like some dude in green pants.

I don't even see how this could be happening. It all seemed so real.

[Door Closes] I need to see a doctor.

Psst. No, you don't, bitch!

- Wake up! Yeah, you in hell all right! - Ow!

- Oh, what the hell, man? - Hell, no!

You call me Sinbad one more time...

Yeah. I should definitely see a doctor.

[Voices Speaking Backwards]