Original subtitles

Oh! It's just so doggone thin!

- Oh, it's incredibly thin. - Yeah.

It's thin, sure, but, I gotta say, I don't care for it.

Charlie, the thinner the TV, the better the TV. I mean, that's a straight-up fact.

Guys, guys, guys! Check it out! We got a review in the paper!

Read it, read it! No way! Is it a good review?

"The first thing I noticed about Paddy's Pub is its charm."

- All right. It's a good review. Okay. - It's a good start.

- "It has none." - Are you serious?

"There was an ominous feeling that you could get stabbed at any moment."

That's good, right? How is that good?

That's the exact type of atmosphere I've been trying to cultivate.

But while danger may linger, I'm the levelheaded bouncer that keeps violence in check,

like Swayze in Roadhouse.

I'm the cooler. "In check"? There have been many stabbings in here.

Yeah. I feel unsafe here every single day. Oh, very often.

Look, stabbings have been down though. Read some more.

"When I ordered a glass of wine,

"not only did the surly, white-trash waitress refuse to make it,

but she proceeded to call me a word that I cannot print in this paper."

- Surly? - "I was forced to listen to the three classless boors...

"who call themselves the owners...

get drunk and yell over each other all night."

Classless boors? I am not a classless boor.

Well, I am not white trash. I am a kind and a generous and a good-natured lady.

Well, I... I do seem to remember you calling the guy a faggot.

I absolutely called him a faggot. He ordered chardonnay. What was I supposed to do?

"Having reviewed every bar in Philadelphia,

I hereby officially declare Paddy's Pub to be the worst bar in Philly."

- Hi. Are you Mr. Lyle Korman? - Yes. Can I help you?

Oh, nice to meet you. We're here from Paddy's Pub.

We have come down to give you the opportunity to give us another chance.

Yeah, here's the thing. We felt that your first review was just a tiny bit off base.

Yeah, as you can see, we're not white trash. Yeah.

Oh, really? Then in that case, can you ask your friend to put down that hammer, please?

Ah. Uh, don't let the hammer throw you, Korman.

We are classy, interesting people.

Okay. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Don't be rude. We just came to have a talk.

This is a private o... I'm gonna have to get security.

Okay. We can play it that way, Korman.

But you should know that we would have no problem suing you.

Suing me? What are you gonna sue me for?

Uh, libel, slander. There's two of the big dogs right there.

It's only libel if what I write is false.

You know what, buddy?

We will jam your asshole up with so many lawyers, you won't know what to do with yourself.

I'll have you know, we have a team of lawyers on retainer just to deal with people like you.

Really? Yeah.

Well, check this out. Oh! You're all out of time, bitch!

Boom!

You just got faced! This just in, poo-poo pants.

People don't read newspapers anymore.

Oh!

How's that for class?

Nice. Brand-new Blu-ray DVD player all hooked up.

Hey, all right. Where are we gonna put it?

We need, like, a flat surface. Hmm.

Here we go. You know what? We'll dangle it.

Yeah. That looks better. We're not dangling anything. That's very white trash.

What is the point of having all this expensive, new status-symbol stuff...

if we're just gonna make it look terrible?

- Hey, you guys want to see something? - What?

I did something.

- Holy shit! - Wha... You kidnapped Korman?

I don't really know what happened. First I was angry, then I was drinking.

Next thing, I'm following this guy home and forcing him into the trunk of his own car.

Jesus Christ, this is bad! Really bad!

Don't panic. Relax. I drove him around in a circle for a while, okay?

So he wouldn't know where he was or how far away he'd gone.

But then you brought him back to a place where he's already been!

And plus, he just heard everything you just said! He's right there, Charlie.

We can just release him. That way this won't be a kidnapping.

First, let's get him out of the trunk, into the bar, then figure out what we need to do.

How are we gonna get him in the bar without anyone seeing him?

- Easy. We roll him up in a rug. - No, no, no!

- Where are we gonna get a rug? - We buy a big oriental rug and we roll him up in it.

Do you have any idea how expensive rugs are? Especially oriental rugs!

No! No rugs! Just get him out of the car and into the bar.

We'll figure it out. Help me get him out of the trunk.

So we're really sorry about this, Mr. Korman. Watch your head.

We're gonna help you, buddy. It'll be okay. It's not a kidnapping.

Oh, goddamn it. Enjoy it.

We're all on the same page. This is not a kidnapping. No!

All right! But we need to keep him a couple of hours so he doesn't do anything rash.

Just borrowing him! Go to the police.

That being said, let's take a few precautions here. We need to cover our tracks.

Why don't we shoot over to Korman's place and make sure Charlie left without a trace?

Yeah. I'm pretty sure Charlie left with a trace. He probably did.

Okay. And I'll use my cooling abilities to smooth things over with Korman.

Jesus Christ. Are you still going on and on about being a cooler?

You gotta give that shit up! That cooler thing is not helping right now!

Just get into the bar and make sure Charlie doesn't do anything stupid.

Okay. But can we establish that I'm the cooler? Oh, my God!

Get into the bar. We're surrounded by idiots.

Look, this really isn't necessary.

You don't have to tape me. I'm sorry, man, but this is the situation we're in.

I just feel like this is the best thing to do here. Jesus Christ, dude!

You can't tape him up like that!

Come on, man! I mean, the guy gets my goat, man!

He sits around all day. He judges people with his words and his fancy newspaper talk.

- It's bullshit, man! - All right. What is it that you people want?

Well, I'll tell you, Mr. Fancy Pants Writer Man.

I was thinking maybe you could write a new review, you know?

And this time maybe add a few less lies.

How can I write a new review if I am taped to a chair?

Come on, man. See, he's twisting everything I say around!

He's making me look like an asshole, dude. Okay, look.

- Nobody has to write anything against their will, okay? - Thank you.

- I have to go to the bathroom. - Huh?

- I have to pee. - Okay. Sidebar.

How's he gonna pee if his hands are taped up? Let him piss in his pants.

He can't piss in his pants, Charlie!

I don't know why you're so in love with this guy. I'm not in love with him.

I just don't want to get arrested for kidnapping.

What if we just untie him for a second? Not gonna work.

I used the last of the tape. If you untie him, that tape's not gonna stick back up...

Fine! Go down to the basement, see if there's any more tape. I'll take him to the bathroom.

I'll defuse the situation. Fine.

Play it cool! Play it cool.

Play it cool!

I'm sorry I yelled at you, Mr. Korman.

I saw that!

I saw that! You're out of here, bro! You're out of here!

What are you doing?

What? I'm packing to make it look like Korman went on a vacation.

But you're all over the place. You just put in a tropical shirt and now two heavy coats.

I mean, is he going to Cancún or Canada? You gotta pay attention to the details.

This is how people get caught. Aw, shit. You're right. I'm leaving a trace.

No, no. Look, he's probably under a lot of pressure with the deadlines from the newspaper.

He should relax. Go someplace tropical?

Cancún then? Perfect. Tropical. We'll stick to the Cancún story.

I will put an outgoing message on his answering machine. That is good thinking, Sis.

We're pretty good at this. We are pretty damn good at this. We're learning.

Greeting one:

Hi, this is Mehar. Sorry I missed your call.

Please leave a message after the beep. Peace.

- That did not sound like Korman. - Mm-mmm.

Who are you people?

Friends with Korman. Yeah.

Mr. Korman lives across the hall.

Oh, does he? Does he?

Where is he? This is ridiculous.

I really have to pee. I hear you, bro.

Now back to the cooler conversation that we were having earlier.

I feel like in your article you missed an opportunity to mention my bouncing abilities, okay?

Now, it's really more about smarts than anything else.

For example, if there was an altercation in this bathroom,

I would blast in looking to neutralize! Yeah?

Now, I would check out my environment,

and I would look to see if there's anything that I could use to my advantage.

- Like this pool cue. - Here we go.

Okay, normally that wouldn't happen unless I wanted it to.

Right. 'Cause I could fire it right in your chest!

'Cause I got the skills to do that.

Dude, there's, like, no tape anywhere. All I could scrounge up was a bandana.

No, that's too small. Oh, I could wear it though! Uh...

I should wear it! I know, but I found it, so I sort of feel like...

I appreciate you looking for me and finding it for me and doing the Charlie work...

that got to the point of me getting the bandana.

Bro, now it's hurting my finger, bro!

Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Just please get me out of this bathroom before I vomit!

It is absolutely disgusting.

Well, excuse me, Mr. Man,

but I happen to think this bathroom is pristine, because I work very hard cleaning it.

In fact, it's so clean, I would say you could eat out of these urinals.

No. You absolutely could not eat out of these urinals.

Oh, really? What's this? Charlie, don't...

Oh, my God, dude. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Bro, I just pissed in there five minutes before you came in.

Don't say that now. You're gonna make me look bad. Spit it out, man.

You're gonna eat it? You're still chewing it. I have to prove a point!

All right! All right! Just let me go to the bathroom. I will write the review.

I'll do whatever you want. I promise.

Well, now that wasn't so hard, was it?

Right. Awesome. All right. Well, I think that we're in good shape then.

Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. How are we gonna do this?

Well, I think one of us is gonna have to help his... Whoa, dude!

I'm not touching his dick. Charlie, you're the one that used all the tape.

I was comfortable with letting him piss in his pants!

All right, fine! Then compromise!

We'll both do it. That way it's equally weird for both of us.

No, no, no. It's fine. Just... Just untape me, please.

No. Oh, no. No! No!

Can I bring something up?

Did he get a little bit hard on us? Aw, come on, man!

Can we not talk about this? I just felt like you got a little bit...

It wasn't. It was the motion. It was very weird.

- Why did it move? - Hey, guys! We got a problem.

We did something.

Oh, man!

- What happened, dude? - Well, there was a slight mix-up with the apartments.

This is Korman's neighbor, Mehar.

- What happened to doing this without a trace? - Well, it's a long story.

But the punch line is that he started asking questions.

- I asked one question! - Shut up! - You asked a lot of questions.

Well, let's not have him ask more questions, okay? Keep him in the trunk for now.

You can't kidnap more people to cover up the original kidnapping.

It's a classic mistake! Oh, I'm sorry!

- I didn't know there was a handbook on kidnapping! - - Help!

We gotta get him inside. He's probably very hot in there.

There's another issue, which is that I locked the keys in the trunk just now.

What? Are you kidding me?

Well, I didn't want to bring that up. Goddamn it, Charlie!

Okay, this is what we're gonna do. You guys deal with the situation out here.

Let's go talk to Korman. He's writing that new review.

Good. 'Cause I don't want to see that man right now because we had a whole thing, and...

- What happened? - Something happened. None of your business.

Thank you very much. We had a thing amongst the...

Guy stuff happened. Can you just please... Let's just go inside.

How long do you think we can hold that inside?

It's burning me up inside, man! It's burning me up!

There he is, our little typer. Tap-tap-tapping away.

Don't mean to disturb ya. Oh, you're not disturbing me at all.

- It's great to see you two again. - I get it.

I get it. You are too much, huh?

You're being a smart aleck. You are.

Glad your spirits are still up.

We wanted to come in and just let you know we're sorry about...

this whole tie-you-up- and-hold-you-here thing.

We didn't have anything to do with it. No. That wasn't us.

That was somebody else's idea. Not our idea.

You know what I'm saying? If there's anything we can do since we are in this situation...

Absolutely. Together we are. You want to let us know.

There he goes again.

Oh! I didn't know he was so funny!

I didn't know he was gonna... I thought he was gonna ask for food or something.

Is there something else we can get you though? 'Cause clearly, we can't...

All right. A glass of white wine. Maybe a chardonnay.

Now you're talking. You like white wine. I know that.

Um, also, do you want me to bring you some lipstick with that?

Oh!

Aw. Boom! You got faced again, Korman.

Hey, man. You can't just tee her up and expect her not to take a swing at you, right?

Can't blame her for that one. Can't blame her for that one.

Since you are writing a new review, is there anything I can do to help you out with it?

You want to fire a couple questions my way? Uh, no. I think I'm fine.

Okay. Yeah, hey, no problem, man. I just want to...

I just want to make sure you got the total picture on me. 'Cause I do drive a Range Rover.

Huh? Really? Gas guzzler.

Well, not on the highway. Okay? Yeah. Range Rover.

It's a very classy vehicle though. What do you want me to say?

What do I want you to say? Uh, I don't know.

"Dennis Reynolds, your car is awesome.

"Your flat screen TV, I took a look at it. It's very, very thin.

It speaks volumes about you as a person." I don't know.

Give me something I can work with, Korman. All right, Dennis.

Here's the deal. I didn't feel like opening up a bottle of wine.

So I brought you some scotch, 'cause I feel like that's what writers should drink.

- Hey, some top-shelf scotch. - Uh, I don't drink scotch.

Well, you don't have to be a dick about it. Wow.

Got a real chip on his shoulder, this one.

If I had to write an article about you, it would say that you're very negative.

The headline might be, "Most negative man in the world...

calls other people white trash to make himself not feel so faggy."

Faggy?

You mind if I just took a quick peek at your new review there?

Uh, but I haven't quite finished that review yet. That's okay.

I know you're not finished. I want to see what direction we're headed in there, buddy.

What's it say? It's, uh, pretty heavy on the kidnapping aspect.

Hmm. Is it?

You jam in further though. This is...

I'm at the bottom of, like, whatever's down there, and I'm...

It won't catch on to anything is the problem, man.

Damn it, dude! I feel like this should be easier.

People break into cars all the time.

A piece of me wants to chalk this guy-in-the-trunk thing up to a loss.

No! We can't do that, bro. We gotta get him out of the car.

Why don't you let me take the hammer and smash the window, and we'll just pop the trunk?

If we were gonna smash the window, I would simply do it with a roundhouse kick.

You're not gonna be able to break this window with a roundhouse kick.

Let's get serious here.

Charlie, I've never been more serious about anything in my entire life.

Help! Please let me out! I have to get home!

- I have a cat! - We all have cats we'd like to be playing with right now.

- We're doing our very best. - My cat is diabetic.

She needs her insulin shot. Please!

Ooh. So we gotta babysit a cat now?

Ooh, dude. I can't have a dead cat's blood on my hands, man.

- That's not good. - All right. Mac to the rescue.

Let me just back up. I'm gonna roundhouse this. You gonna kick it?

I'm gonna kick it. And then we can get in. Fine. Kick it, man.

Back up. I don't want the glass to shatter in your face.

- All right, go. - Guard your eyes.

Oh, no! Shit, dude.

Shit! Oh, shit, man!

There is a slope in the ground, and I didn't... I wasn't...

You just totally broke this mirror, bro! I wasn't calibrating that great.

Well, it's the bullshit street. We gotta get the zoning people out here.

I don't think it's the street, bro. That's an issue.

Don't touch the window. I'll do that when I get back.

I'm gonna grab his cat, with Dennis's car. I'll be back.

Learn how to kick. Take one karate class if you're so into karate.

That is a really, really nice setup.

Now, if he doesn't go for that, he's just a straight-up retard.

I mean, that's all there is to it. Hey. buddy.

Oh, hey, pal. Oh, check out this new setup, man.

This is gonna be our golden ticket, man. This is really gonna get us somewhere.

Do you see any hypodermic needles laying around? What the hell's that?

Mehar's cat. Diabetic.

Now a diabetic cat is in play? Jesus! We can't catch a break.

I know. Tell me about it. Nice and easy now.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Charlie! You broke the window?

-The guy had to take a dump. What was I supposed to do? -He's all tied up. How did you...

Let's not talk about how it happened, okay? Give him his cat.

- Dude, your cat's freaking out! - That's not my cat!

Whose cat is it? No, Dee. No!

What the hell you doing, Dee? What's Mehar doing here?

What are you doing with my cat? Your cat?

This is your cat? What is going on?

Mr. Korman, why are they doing this? Get him out of here!

Give him his cat and get him back in the office.

Jesus Christ! Oh, this is bad. Shut up!

This is really bad. You guys, this is bad. What are we gonna do?

We gotta come up with a plan. I don't know what to do!

Got it! Ready? Here's the plan. I've been thinking about this, okay? We give them amnesia.

It's so easy. Here's how you do it.

You smash them both over the head with a bottle. They go down like a ton of bricks.

Then we drag them back to their apartments! We put them in their beds.

We set their clocks back. We get yesterday's newspaper. We put it on their doorstep!

They wake up thinking it was all a dream.

Oh, that is so goddamn stupid! What?

It's so stupid! Mac, please tell me you got something.

I say we bribe 'em. We bribe 'em. A bribe.

- A good old-fashioned bribe. - No. That's not gonna work. You know why?

Korman's not gonna go for that. He's made of stone or something.

Oh, Mehar! Let's bribe Mehar! He'd go for it!

Mehar could work! But I did notice that the kidnapping has rubbed him the wrong way.

So whatever we bribe him with has gotta be worth a lot of money.

Yeah. He's gonna want something good. For sure. For sure.

Oh, Jesus Christ, no.

Hey, thanks a lot for taking home Korman's cat.

And good luck with your sick cat.

Goddamn it. This is bullshit.

All right. Let's go talk to Korman.

Whoa! Hold on there, Korman.

Where you going, buddy? Where are you going?

Hey, buddy. You're not going very fast.

You're wasting a lot of energy. Stop. Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Okay. All right. Listen, man.

We got a proposal for you, okay?

Now, we are willing to not force you to write that review...

if you are willing to do the right thing and not tell anybody that this happened.

I don't care. Whatever it takes to get me out of this bar, away from you people.

My man! There we go.

That is the attitude we've been waiting for this whole time. Was that so hard?

Where's this guy been? Now let's talk about the elephant in the room.

Let's talk about the pressing charges.

- We're gonna need you to sign something. - Fine. Whatever it takes.

I can't believe you guys are gonna try and cut a deal with this weasel!

The guy's a liar! He lied to us, man!

He said he was gonna write a review! He didn't do that!

I touched his dick! Mac, we touched his dick! You remember this?

Now is not the time to talk about that. Why were you touching his dick?

There wasn't enough tape, and he had to... So you touched his dick?

Let's just move past it. Let's plow through it. Okay, Mr. Korman.

Why don't you just go ahead and sign this, and then I'll fill in the blanks later.

And then that way we'll have a confession, and that'll be great.

And there you go. Okay, now. Let me get this tape off you, and you can be on your way.

Now, we won't charge you for the duct tape.

- That was a joke. - Holy shit, bro!

- I really don't like this guy. - You're an idiot!

We'll see who's the idiot when he wakes up tomorrow and doesn't remember a thing.

I don't think that's how it works, Charlie.

It's definitely not how it works. Oh, my God.

We may as well embrace the amnesia angle because we have no other options.

Well, now! Okay. I'll go get yesterday's newspaper.

- Okay, you guys ready? - Mm-hmm.

One, two, three.

♪ And I'll take with me ♪

♪ The memories ♪

♪ To be my sunshine ♪

♪ After rain ♪

♪ And it's so hard ♪

♪ To say good-bye ♪

♪ To yesterday ♪♪

♪♪

I ran out. I ran out of breath. Check it out.

What you got there, Ernie?

Oh, it's a new review by Korman. Oh!

Yeah.

"I woke up in my neighbor's bed with a head wound, yesterday's paper...

"and an empty bottle of sleeping pills,

"and my nightmare in that putrid shit hole of a bar, Paddy's Pub,

"finally, mercifully came to an end.

"The owners all deserve to rot in jail,

"though having to spend every day with each other in that vile establishment...

"is a decidedly greater punishment.

"That is why I decided not to press charges,

"leaving them to live in the hell on Earth they've created for themselves...

for the rest of their pathetic and miserable lives."

So rude. Ouch!

Really raked us over the coals there. Really jammed it in there.

- Not a good review. - No, it's not a good review.

He went right for the throat. He sure did.

Hey, listen. At least he didn't mention our names.

Yeah. And no pressing charges. No charges.

No names. No names. That's good.

I don't know why, but I'm a little irritated that he didn't mention my name.

You'd feel like he would mention our name, right? I work here!

I am incredibly annoyed that he didn't mention my name.

I wish I could live with this, but I can't. It's a story about us!

We gotta go talk to him again. We should talk to him. We'll be cool though.

We'll be civil. Let's just have one more conversation.

We're capable of being civil, right? Why are we wasting time?

Let's go talk to the guy. This seems to make sense.

Ooh! You know what I want to get.