Original subtitles

The only way that my dad is not going to kill us is if he thinks we're already dead.

- [Dee] What is that? - A glory hole.

A hole to stick your dick in?

What is the password? Orgy.

I'm gonna gun this car as fast as it goes directly into that wall.

[Tires Screech]

According to the Philadelphia Police Department, Mac and Charlie are dead.

I can't believe they're dead.

- You got any plans for the outside? - I got some big plans.

♪♪ [Classical]

Um, okay. Well, I guess this is probably... this is probably gonna be it.

So, we should get started. Uh, what to say about Mac.

Um, he certainly was...

angry.

- Burn the duster! - I'm not burning the duster!

Okay? I'm not burning the duster. All right? That's crazy.

That's like... That's insane. Why would I ever burn... I mean, come on.

I will continue to wear it in his honor. And I will burn some other things.

You know, maybe like these stupid, goddamn sleeveless T-shirts...

that he wants "retired" and hung up in the bar, I'll burn these.

But I am not burning the duster, okay? So forget it.

It probably won't even burn anyway. It's not supposed to. It's flame-retardant.

That's like the whole point. It's like a shield of armor.

So stop asking me to burn the duster. I'm not gonna burn it!

So, end of story. You know?

Let's just move on.

♪♪ [Classical Continues]

Okay?

So, yeah.

All right. Well, uh, thank you.

Come on. No. I'm not doing it.

Come on! No!

Deandra, get on that stage!

Before Mac and Charlie died, they made a slide show.

And, uh, we're gonna play a song that was a favorite of theirs.

Go ahead. Yeah.

[Man] ♪ It's all the same ♪

♪ Only the names will change ♪

♪ Every day ♪

♪ It seems we're wasting away ♪

♪ Another place ♪

♪ Where the faces are so cold ♪

♪ I drive all night ♪

♪ Just to get back home ♪

♪ I'm a cowboy ♪

♪ On a steel horse I ride ♪

♪ I'm wanted ♪

♪ Dead or alive ♪ [Frank] I'm gonna miss you, Charlie.

[Mac] This is bullshit, dude. No one's mourning me properly.

What are you talking about, man? There's nobody here.

Your mom's sitting right there, man. She's mourning you.

Yeah. She watched an entire episode of Mama's Family and fell asleep.

- Yeah. - And now I'm gonna give them the one-gun salute.

No, no, no, no. No, you're not. Okay. All right. I got it.

Oh, my God! Let go!

Wow. That was great and very touching.

Thanks so much for coming, both of you.

- Time to go. See you at the next one. - [Grunts]

Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie. [Sighs] It's gonna... be okay.

Tell you what. Why don't you go into the bathroom, go into the center stall.

I got a little surprise for you. It's gonna cheer you up.

That's okay, Frankie. I don't need to go potty.

No?

Oh, damn it.

[Exhales] Wow.

Can you believe it, Sis? They're actually gone. This changes everything.

I need a ride home. Ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

No, no, no. Can't do that, Sis. Gotta get back home A.S.A.P.

I'm meeting a couple of potential new roommates. Hot ones.

You know what I'm saying? [Chuckles] All right.

Hey, it's time to move on.

[Panting]

Would you mind not breathing directly into my mouth?

No thoughts on that? You're not gonna say anything?

You're just gonna stare at me? That's what you're bringing to the table.

That's great. I'm gonna... Could you excuse me?

Excuse me. Just for a second. Thank you. Okay.

Excuse... Excuse me.

Sir. Goddamn.

Thanks. I'm just gonna... Excuse me.

Excuse me. I'm just gonna... Okay.

Of course, let me do it.

Thanks.

Hi. Oh, my God. It's a freak show back there.

Ma'am, I'm gonna need for you to step behind the line. Yeah, look.

As you can probably tell, I'm not really a "bus person."

It's just a couple of dicks destroyed my car and forced me to lower myself to this.

So, if you could just cut me some slack because...

I don't know if you've been back there, but animals.

You're touching me. This isn't weird for you?

Ma'am, either you get behind the line or your ride ends here.

I'm behind the line. You're on the line.

On the line, behind the line, who cares?

That's it. I'm pulling the bus over. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Goddamn it! Don't pull the bus over. Really?

Okay, fine. You know what?

I will go back behind the line with the rest of the filthy degenerates.

But I am not happy about it, lady. Excuse me!

Oh, my God. Really? Oh, my God.

Oh, no. You stay put. I'll get it.

I'm on the floor of a bus. On the floor of a filthy bus. Excuse me for just a second!

Damn it. I can't believe Dee finally caught on and canceled her credit card.

This is really not good, dude. Now we don't have any beans.

We don't have any beer. We're shit out of luck. Tell you what.

We'll get back to the bar, get beer there. At least we'll have that.

That's not a bad idea. In the meantime, I need a popper.

I gotta get my head straight. I got bad news on the popper front. This is the last one.

Shit. Really? Yeah.

All right. Well, I think I should get it. No.

I gotta... Not going to happen.

Can I just have it? Can I just have it? Bro.

Will you let me do the poppers? I just want it.

I just need it, dude. Will you let me be the popper person?

Give me the popper, dude! I need that popper!

I gotta have the popper!

Oh, you son of a bitches! Hey, look out!

Look out!

Hey! Hey!

[Banging Window] Hey, you jerks!

Goddamn it! Move out of the way!

Hey, no! Stop the bus! Stop the bus!

[Woman] Shut up, stupid! You shut up, bitch!

Stop the bus! I need...

Sir. Sir. I need to pull the cord to get off the bus. This is my stop.

You're in my way. Can you get out of the way so I can pull the cord?

I'll get out of your way as soon as I get off... Oh, my God. What is wrong with you?

Goddamn it, you bitches!

[Gasps]

I hate the bus.

Good-bye, Mac's shit. Good-bye, Mac's shit.

Good-bye, Mac's shit. Good-bye, Mac...

Come on, dude. When were you ever gonna use nunchakus?

Are you kidding me? Jesus Christ. [Knocks]

Uh, yeah. Hang on one second.

All right.

Yeah, it's perfect.

Pow. Hello. Oh.

Uh, hi. Um, can I help you?

[German Accent] You're looking for a roommate, right?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, I was looking for two, actually. Female?

I believe I was pretty clear in the ad here.

"Male, 30, looking for Three's Company type deal.

Did Odd Couple thing for past decade. Looking for something new."

Yeah. I did the Three's Company thing once. Oh, yeah?

It was pretty cool, for like a week. And then I banged one of them.

Oh. Nice. Not nice.

Do you know what this is like, banging a chick that you live with?

It's terrible, man. Bah-bah-bah.

Every day you have to deal with this. Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah.

[Spits] "Get out, lady." Hmm, yeah. Yeah.

Wow, yeah. I guess I never really thought about that before.

You know, you're much smarter than my old roommate.

Yeah, look. I'm gonna be up front with you.

I run with a pretty wild crew.

There's probably gonna be chicks over here, like, all the time.

Yeah? I'm into some pretty crazy shit.

[Laughs] Here's the best part.

I don't even know most of their names. Oh.

Mm-mmm. Yes, it's like... Wow, yeah.

I've been trying to get into the anonymous sex thing lately. Oh, yeah?

Now are you, uh, European?

Oh, I'm sorry. What gave it away?

[Both Laugh]

Nice. Yeah, well... You know,

I could probably consider like a Perfect Strangers type of deal.

Hmm? Look.

I like this by the way. This is a sweet duster.

First he doesn't burn the duster, and now he's looking for new roommates?

Why did you want to burn that duster anyway?

Because he always wears it with no shirt and a shit load of cologne.

- It's totally ruined. - Hello, bitches!

Jesus Christ, Dee! Whoa!

You scared the shit out of me. I almost dropped all my beer.

I knew you two weren't dead. What are you doing popping out of our tent?

Not cool, Dee! Oh, not cool?

I'll tell you what's not cool. Crashing my car into a building,

exploding a grenade inside of it,

and then convincing your friends and your family that you're dead.

That's one of the cooler things you could ever do. Unbelievably cool.

I suggest you try it. Cooler than I originally thought it was.

I don't know why you're up here doing whatever. And I don't care.

What I do care about is my 1997 Dodge Neon. So here's the deal.

You two monkeys are going get me a new 1997 Dodge Neon.

Or I'm going to tell Frank and Dennis that you faked your own deaths...

and you're hiding up on the roof.

Now you're just talking crazy. You can't buy a new 1997 Dodge Neon.

You can't buy a new one unless you had a time machine.

New to me. Dee, you got bigger problems.

Because my dad just got out of jail, and he's coming to kill you.

What? Me? Are you sure? Yeah.

Kill you, kill us, kill everybody really. He's gonna kill everyone.

Why would you not tell me this news earlier? Oh, my God.

Get off our case, Dee. What's done is done. Mac and I are hobo drifters now.

- We don't dwell on the past. - Hobo drifters live in the present.

If you really want to get back at Frank and Dennis, you gotta fake your own death.

I don't want to get back at Frank and Dennis! I want to get back at you two!

Really? Is that what your plan was? Yes!

I tuned out during the whole tirade.

The 1997 Dodge Neon thing... It threw you for a loop?

No, come on! I tell you what. Here's the plan.

Why don't you fake your own death like us? Yes.

It really is the only thing you can do now 'cause you're in this too deep.

Look, you want to die? Okay.

Now, what's your bean situation?

Yeah. You got some beans on you? Or what's up?

Good-bye, Son.

[Chuckles]

♪♪ [Dance Rock]

Hey, Jan. Oh, man, I gotta tell you, this is awesome.

It's making me forget that Mac ever even died. Oh, yeah.

Just relax, roommate. I'm gonna relax.

I'm gonna relax all over the place in a second. [Knocks]

What?

Oh, shit. Jan? [Knocks]

All righty. I gotta get this.

Hey, Dennis. Really? What do you want?

Wanted to let you know I was gonna go for a quick jog in Fairmont Park by myself.

Great. Okay. Have fun. It's kind of dangerous.

I got it, Dee. Go jogging! I'm not wearing anything reflective.

What does it have to do with me? Just go jog! Just me out there...

in the middle of the night by myself. Goddamn it!

Sorry about her. She's a bag lady. I hate her.

Whoa, Dennis! Which one do you want first, huh?

Greta or Sasha? Oh, shit!

Why'd you do that, bro? Come here, man. What did I do?

You said their names. Oh, come on, man. That kills it for me.

Look, bro. Can I be honest with you?

This is great, but I was really hoping for more of like...

an anything-goes, crazy, European, sex-party kind of a thing.

Something a little kinkier? Kinky? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Kinky. Yeah, yeah, I like this.

You like this. We both, we like this.

Oh, oh! Yeah, let me make some calls.

You think you can put something like that together?

Of course I can. I'm European. Oh, man.

Huh? Oh!

That's... [Hissing]

[Both Laughing]

Wow. Yeah.

Looks like he's got a lot of new friends. Yes, I can see that.

Some of them are really pretty girls. Yes, they are very pretty.

Wow, that's tough, man. That's a tough thing to see, huh?

Shut up, dude. I'll bet you Frank is throwing a party too.

It's your turn to take the bedpan out tonight.

[Imitating Charlie] No, no, Frank! I did it last time!

No, Charlie. I got up in the middle of the night...

and I walked down the hallway with the bedpan.

[Imitating Charlie] All right, Frank! I'll do it!

Only because I like you so much!

[Crying] I like you, too, Charlie.

I like you, too, new Charlie. New Charlie.

You know what, man? I'm kicking it up a notch. We're haunting these bitches.

- Haunting's cool, man. - Boom! Coming back from the grave, bitch.

That's cool. What is this? What are you doing? Like Poltergeist or something?

Awesome, right? Craig T. Nelson! No, not awesome.

Craig T. Nelson is the best, dude. But Poltergeist? [Blows Raspberry]

Why? It's not scary.

It's all about psychological damage. Big deal.

Look at me. Psychological damage up to here.

Doesn't do anything for me. Physical damage, that's what's gonna irritate people.

What do you suggest? If anything, maybe we tie some knives to our fingers,

and we get a little more serious about this whole murder thing.

Haunting. We're gonna haunt. Haunting! I was thinking "dead."

You guys! I'm so happy to see you! Oh, God! I had the weirdest night!

It was crazy! As soon as I left Dennis's place, I realized I don't have a car.

So I do have to run home through the park in the middle of the night.

So I'm on Spring Garden Street and this big car full of gangbangers...

Gangbangers, that is an awesome story, Dee! That's the end of it, right?

Charlie and I are right in the middle of something.

We're gonna put some knives on our fingers and start murdering people.

- Haunting people. We're gonna haunt people. - Whatever.

- You're gonna do like a Poltergeist thing. - Shh!

[People Laughing] It's Dennis.

That's Dennis. Back office.

- [Dennis] All right! - Oh, yeah.

This is wunderbar! Ladies!

[Dennis] Pop 'em off! Start poppin' 'em off!

I love it, I love it. Hey, feel free to be free. No American judgments here.

The only rule is don't tell me your names.

I don't want to know your names, okay?

[Imitating Charlie] Hi, I'm Charlie. Oh, I love these girls!

Frank! What are you doing, man? You're freaking the girls out with this mannequin.

Get rid of it! Dennis, these girls are German.

German!

[Imitating Charlie] We're gonna have demented sex, right, Frank?

- Yeah! - ♪♪ [Dance Rock]

That is the greatest party I've ever seen. These sons of bitches!

Is he gonna take that stupid little mannequin everywhere? That is freaking me out!

They're hanging out with half-naked ladies and I just ran and sweated for nothing?

I don't sound like that. Goddamn it! Get past it!

Who cares about the mannequin? I care about the mannequin!

I look like a jerk in front of those girls.

I'm putting an end to this right now. Screw your dad.

Let him eat our asses. Let him eat my butt into smithereens.

I'm ending this. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's not be rash. I mean, come on.

If we're not gonna haunt them, we should have a little fun, right?

Let's scare the shit out of them. Yeah.

- We gotta make an entrance. - Oh, let's scare the shit out of them.

♪♪ [Continues]

Dennis! Jan, this is what I want, man.

You've given me what I want! Ja. Shh, shh.

Look, I have this very kinky surprise for you, my friend. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I've arranged for you to use... the glory hole!

[Laughs] I forgot about the glory hole. Ja. Ja, ja, ja!

I've just sent someone in there now. Yeah?

Totally anonymous. Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh!

Jan, there are no words, man.

That's right. I'm the boss. But I'm a good boss.

And I'm gonna allow you to watch. [Door Opens]

[Imitating Charlie] Okay, Frank, I...

[Door Closes] Shh! Somebody's coming.

Any minute now, the German broad is gonna knock on that wall,

which is my signal to go in my pants,

take out my penis, and stick it through the hole.

[Laughs] Then she can go to town!

[Dennis] Hey, honey. You want to take care of this monster for me or what?

There's no way I can picture that is a girl. Frank?

- Dennis! - What the hell are you doing here, man?

Jan sent me! Jan sent me too!

- This is bad. - Everybody out!

There has been a major miscommunication!

Get your European, sex, freaky asses out of the bar. Let's go.

Come on. Come on. Move it. Move it. That's right.

Let's go, ladies. Let's go, let's go, let's go. Get out!

Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Hey, you, too, Jan.

Hey, beat it! What did I do?

What did you do? Jan, you were gonna have him glory hole me!

Ja. Yeah, my ass! Get out of here!

Are you kidding me? You sex freak! You Americans are so uptight!

You ruined our glory hole. Beat it. And shut the door.

Sick freak. You didn't know anything about that? Weirdo. What?

Kaboom! Surprise, bitches!

We're alive! And it's blowing your minds right now!

[Cackling]

It is not blowing our minds at all. I knew you guys were alive.

- [Mac, Dennis] Huh? - I knew you guys were alive, okay?

- I figured it out right before the funeral. - How?

I could hear you guys rustling around in the vents. You were speaking at full volume.

Did you think you were being crafty? I could see you staring at me through the window!

I can see through my windows. I wanted to piss you off.

What about me? Did you want to piss me off?

Uh, you, I thought might've actually been murdered.

That's what I thought. So hold on a second. Frank, you knew too?

Yeah. I knew.

And some of the stuff you've been doing with this mannequin here, that's, like, um...

To teach me a lesson, or...

Yeah.

Did I see you bang that thing? All right, you know what?

Why were you guys pretending that you were dead anyway? That's a messed-up thing to do.

My dad got out on parole and he's coming to kill me and Charlie.

You got a letter the other day. He sent a letter.

- Who sent a letter? - I got it. I got it. It was sent to the bar.

"Dear Son, I asked you to leave me be." Yada, yada, yada.

"Forced me to do something that I hoped I'd never have to do." Oh, yeah. Here we go.

"I just got out of prison and I'm heading to Tijuana.

"I wanted to get as far away from you as I could so that I could learn how to forgive you.

"Please do not try to contact me ever.

"I promise that I'm not gonna hurt you. Love, Dad.

P.S. I still love you."

Hmm.

Oops. [Both Laugh]

Because we... This whole thing...

- We didn't have to do all the... - Yeah, yeah.

Sorry about your car, Dee.

♪♪ [People Singing In Spanish]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Continues]

[Voices Speaking Backwards]